The latest "brouhaha" from Down Under got me to thinking. How many in a relationship, marriage, recovery, whatever, are actually "just settling" for their partner? How many, in their view (or that of their significant other), are the "lesser of two evils", "sloppy seconds", the "peni$ w/a paycheck", or "nanny w/a nookie"? No need to "out yourself" here (unless you want), just something to ponder...

BTW, I'm selling hats and T-shirts in the lobby. The hats are of the Shelrock Holmes "deer stalker" variety - one side reads...Entertainment Director, the other reads GPS patrol. Shirts are available for both gender and are adorned with colorful graphics (use your imagination) and multiple sizes ('cause one size don't fit all). Purchase for yourself or that special someone in your life!

Nanny w/a nookie LOL I guess that would be me!

When I, as a FWW, decided to seek reconciliation, I carefully examined whether I was "settling". And I am 100% sure that there was not a fiber of my being that felt like I was "settling".

Apparently, that was not the case with my BH. He has said that he only reconciled because he was scared to be alone, then he met OW and knew that he wouldn't have to be alone. So he had an affair and left.

I don't hold out much hope for reconcilation now, I don't know if I could ever believe that he wasn't settling again.

Personally, I think many (maye all) BS's "settle" to a certain extent if they stay with the WS - I don't really mean forever, but initially - right after the A.

I think we settle during that period because we hope our feelings will change and that it will not be settling forever.

Maybe I am wrong, but that's how I feel right now and I have a feeling many other BS's do too.

Hi 19...(saw someone else refer to you as "digit dude", sounded cute (but didn't want to sound too familiar),

I realize that "early on" there's "settling". It's an inevitable part of the process. It's afterwards, I suppose, that I'm pondering. I know for myself (projecting here), for years (unbeknowst to me) I was simply being settled for. I was the "penis w/paycheck'. I was, literally, fed "sloppy seconds" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> (not exactly my "cup of tea"...yuk, sorry, bad metaphor) It's only now, after the fact, that I realize all this. Coupled with KiwiJ's sitch, I'm wondering, to myself, how many others (of either gender) fall into the category.

Ron - I knew you meant long term - I did think the short term part needed to be mentioned too.

A little different too - don't you think all BS's "settle" to a certain extent even long term? You are "settling" for a WS who did one of worst things someone can do to someone - can't take it back - it happened - isn't that sort of settling too?

I know that's different from what you mean and I too would like to know how many people do ultimately just "settle" for their spouse?

Even if there is no A.

Personally, I think that could be an even worse thing to do to someone than have an A (maybe not, I don't know). In that situation you are essentially wasting years of someone's life - maybe their whole life. If a person wants to do that to themself by "settling" that is their business, but what a crappy thing to do to the other person - who wants to wake up when they are 75 and realize that they were "settled for" for their entire life?

19,

Don't know about 75, but it sure sucks at 55!!

Re. long term "settling", I suppose my "rosey glasses" view would be that the adultery had caused a catalyst for change, and that neither party would have to "settle"/compromise their vision of "happily ever after" [shrug].

My hunch is that the "happily ever after", really isn't; and that one (or both) parties simply won't admit it.

I think you are right about the "not admitting it" part - and that sux too.

I am sure it does suck at 55 - but that's still young - when I said 75 I basically meant an entire life wasted ...

And it sux at 41 too.

Hi Ron !

I've talked about this a lot, for example :


Settling fr an imperfect marrige

the picture on the puzzle box may not match the puzzle inside!

In truth I think we all , BS and FWS 'settle' for less than a perfect marriage because we are starting with our existing spouse, who may not be 'perfect' material. I know I'm certainly not 'perfect' material !!

And also ( just to get this out of the way ) BS settle because we know we are working to accept a person who betrayed us back. Who would call anything that follows perfect ?

But doesnt EVERYBODY, infidelity or not, settle for an imperfect marriage ?

I do not think either of us settled. My husband moved out for a short time. I did not have to let him come home that was my choice and he did not have to come home.

We have both stepped up to the plate, raised the bar, or whatever you want to call it. We have both improved for the better and neither of us will settle for anything but the best.

When we can no longer give our best it is over.

In regards to Bob's post I said the best not perfect.

My view of the "Best" might be diferent from someone else.

I think that means I am agreeing with you Bob!!

Funny, I was thinking about the same subject bc of the other thread. Unfortunately, Kiwi's thread is closer to my sitch than not. My WH told the OW he was only staying with me for financial reasons. Now, one could throw this out as fog talk during the A, however, there is much to support his just being in the M, instead of participating in recovery. In my sitch WH has had several A's, so it is difficult to trust him at this pt.. I believe that he has stopped his flirtatious behavior, for now, I believe that he somewhat understands that he had deep seeded issues from childhood that he was acting out in current time. That is, he felt abandoned by his mom and older sisters (8, 10, and 12 years older than him). I am not convinced he has resolved this issues, or works to safeguard me and our M from future A's.

I asked him a question last night due to Kiwi's run-in with the OM. I said that I knew he wouldn't run into her as we live in another state. I knew he didn't speak to his former co-workers due to not wanting any contact, even indirectly, with ow. I also know that he doesn't e-mail them or her anymore. So I asked him if OW called him on his cell phone, what would he do? I tried very hard to ask him w/o emotion and in an open and non-judgemental way. His response was surprise and then he said part of him would want to answer it out of curiousity, to see what she wanted, the other part would hope that he would respond to her that that she shouldn't be calling him. I hate to say it, but he looked excited and pleased about the prospect, his eyes lit up. I am very sad. I now feel settled for. I know all the MB jargon about the A is a fantasy, it is romantic love that isn't in real life with real life problems. I believe this to be true, and on some level, at least a logical level, my WH does too. But yet, there is still something there. I don't know what to do right now
:-(

I think long term we all settle.

Lets face it there is no perfect person to marry. Everyone thing has some negative character or personality traits. Even us. LOL.

I think the important thing is to find the person you have to settle the least for and the things you settle for are not that important to you.

I think when we settle for the big things is when things go bad. I have always known my FWW was not a good cook do I think I can marry a perfect cook sure. But her not being able to cook is not that important to me. If it was I would surely feel like I am settling.

I don't think there is any single person on the planet that can fill all of my wants, needs and desires. I just want the one person that can fill my most important needs. Then the things I am settling for won't really bother me.

nab - that would bother me a lot too - sorry. Sort of like when my W tells me she still considers OM to be a "friend" - just like a dead friend she can't talk to anymore - while I hate to say it, I wouldn't shed a tear if he were dead.

Years - You are right. No one is perfect and no one is the perfect person for anyone.

What I think sucks is if a person really wants someone else, but can't have them for whatever reason and then they settle on the next person all the while pining for the person they really want - that is wasting someone's life.

BP,

I know you have!!! Am VERY familiar with those threads (and so many others). The "perfect" mate is a mirage! Outside of science fiction (weird science comes to mind), none of us can create (or become) what would be perfection for our significant other. All relationships are a compromise (for both parties) to some extent, it's the "oh, $h!t, "what the he!!'s the use", "I give up" "settling" that I fear is all too common.

LU,

THAT'S how it should be! Congratulations to the both of you.

Just a question if I may....would you consider your marriage an exception to what is generally found? Not just in those marriages touched by adultery, but of marriages in general. Both parties "stepping up to the plate", "compromising"...yes, "settling"...NO.

I am not a settler. Despite all the garbage I still have to go through, every day FWH reminds me of the good man he has become - so much better even than before.

My FWH is not a settler. I was always the best choice, and That Woman is not even close to being in my league. No comparison. I could let my ego run on at length. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

If any of you feel settled for, that is an indicator NOT that your marriage is unworthy, but that you have some work to do in order to bond with each other, and to MAKE it the kind of marriage you want to have - not perfect, but at least harmonious and loving. Then nobody feels settled for.

To me it depends on what you mean by "settling". If you mean that we settle for something imperfect, I would agree that we all settle becasue perfection will not be attained.

If, however, you mean we settle for what we have because we're to scared or insecure to go after someone else, I disagree. I choose to stay becasue I want to. I feel that my wife and I, with all of our faults and mistakes, are divinely ordained to be together. At least for now, I can't see it as settling when we are both trying our butts off.

Now if behavior changed to a point that is unsatisfactory, things might slip back into "settling." We "settled" a long time before A occurred and I'm sure there will be occasional periods of "settling" in the future. At least now I have some tools to recognize that and change the course of the marriage before it drifts to far. As long as we are actively seeking to make things better, we are not "settling."

Hi JCP,

"Settling" is not working on the relationship...not "working your butt off" as you put it. Just the opposite. As long as both parties are working for the betterment of the ralationship, neither party is "settling". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I read somewhere and I don't know if it was here that marriages are not 50%-50% and shouldn't be.

Marriages should be 100%-100%. Both partners giving 100%. At times what someone can give is 100% of what they can give at that time. Maybe there is a lot going on and the 100% they can give now is less then the 100% they could give 3 months ago but it is still 100%

Now what if your 100% is always more then their 100%. Maybe then we feel like we are settling. In our lives I can handle more then my FWW and she admits it.

Maybe they are not being selfish maybe they know our 100% is more then theirs and thats ok with them. That is what they have come to expect. Maybe we brought it on ourselves.

MAYBE yearsofhurt, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

BUT neither of you said "the he!! with it" and quite trying (or moved on to Plan D)! Each of us carries a "load" commensurate with our abilities at any given time. That's part of our "uniqueness".

It's when one (or both) quits giving, that REAL inequity begins...

Ron

I should be on plan Z right now. I keep thinking I should say the he!!!!!! with it.

The freaking "load" of cr!! I carry is real heavy right now.

You are right when one or both quits giving is when it does begin.

The only thing we can control is when we stop giving.

I can't tell you how many times I have said the He!! with it then said ok one more try. One Million, five hundred and fifty thousand one more tries later. LOL. I am still here.

Now when i get to One Million, six hundred thousand I am abslolutely done with this. Ok maybe One Million, six hundred thousand and one.

What sucks for me is my FWW will never move to plan D. I will have to do it so I can take the blame for the M ending.

YOH,

I think I see from your "bio" why you'll continue giving "just once more". Two young ones are always a strong incentive to try again...

Aint that the god's honest truth.

If it weren't for them it would have been over on D Day.

In my entire life if a girlfriend ever so much as kissed another man I dumped them.

Heck I dumped a girl when I thought she did something wrong and found out later she didn't. Oops.

Sooner or later though if it doesn't change. We insulate them pretty well but little ears.

Sad thing is that the older one knows what happened.

I think that if a person really wants to have peace and long term happinnes in their lives they have to settle.

For reality.

I don't give 100% in my marriage and neither does my H.

We love each other 100%..but sometimes we don't have it to give.

We make every effort for our marriage to be high priority..yet relationship issues do have to come second to survival and unless ya'll would like to just start sending me checks [if so I'll send out my address! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />]..the demands of meeting our responsibilities render us unable to consistently at every turn give the other person what they want/need precisely when they want or need it.

I think it is often when a person begins to buck and struggle against the "daily grind" that they begin to DESIRE a fantasy to drift off into.

When they lose track of their long term goals..not just financial goals..but goals in life..and start to have their head turned by the easy party..they are very vulnerable.

Reality is about committment even when you DON'T feel like it. No one said it was gonna be fun..but you can't get where you want to be, unless you are willing to do what needs to be done.

There is always context and perspective to be considerred.

I think that you have to find happiness in your minutes as well as the epic big picture of your life..there has to be a balance between the two..they have to be in agreement with each other.

The alternative is entropy.

noodle

I covered the not giving 100%. Depending on where you are your 100% might be less then it is at other times but it should be 100%.

Sorry to be redundant..I haven't read all the posts..just responded to the initial one.

N-O,

Spent lot's of time reading (and digesting) what you had to say. My first impulse is to say I'm sorry for your situation...the multiple affairs, the spouse that doesn't quite "get it", the feeling you're being "settled for"...I'm afraid I know it all too well! A hug {{{nabohio}}} is all I can offer.

As you indicated, the eyes...the body language...they give away the lie. Why do you suppose he doesn't "get it"...doesn't see the pain and damage...doesn't see the illusion/delusion of the OP for what it really is?

MAYBE someday he will "get it". Is that why so many hang on in spite of what their instincts tell them? They're hoping for some epiphany on the part of their spouse? [shrug]

Humans are such stubborn, silly creatures...

Noodle, <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> are you pushing buttons again <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Reality...a realistic assessment...VERY important!

Is it easier for the "realist" to say, "oh well...this is my situation...my lot in life...live with it"? I get the suspicion, sometimes, that the "rosey crowd" is less inclined to "settle". They have a "vision", through their glasses, that's different than ours. Perhaps their "vision" makes them LESS inclined to settle. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />