I am in a terrible quandry right now. I have read several times from those who are recovered that they still dont fully trust their spouses and that they will always be checking up on them...

I feel so closed off from my H. I can't seem to open my heart up to him. I finally after a long time became the nice wife and tried to really put this behind, and two weeks into it i find out about EA #2. I am so afraid to put my heart out there again only to find out down the line there is someone else. How can you have a good relationship if there is no trust in your spouse? He has turned to these women because they are "nice". I don't know how to be nice anymore there is too much scarring.

just wondering how everyone got past their pain to open up to their spouses

Hi Tiger, long time no see.

A good relationship develops trust because both parties are showing trustworthy behavior. Your husband needs to be totally open and honest with you, and a good counselor would be helpful in putting in place a plan to get your marriage on track.

Don't put your heart out there yet. You can behave in a loving manner toward your husband without putting yourself all the way out there to possibly be hurt again.

While he is showing himself to be honest and trustworthy, the two of you need to have fun together. Not wild rollercoaster fun, but just being together and doing something both of you enjoy. This will begin to give you positive feelings toward him, and give you something to focus on besides resentment.

tiger,

Each affair makes it harder to allow yourself to be vulnerable. It is the fear that holds you back. Real trust is not about him however....because no one can really be trusted. That doesn't mean I'm jaded....but I've learned to trust myself....and that's the healthiest kind of trust that I can have. I wrote a post about fear recently....and I'm going to repost it here. I hope it has some meaning for you.

It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limbic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our identity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.

Excellent post, starfish. Even Harley agrees that not all marriages are salvagable. That is what you have to decide, tiger.

From Dr Harley's article Coping with Infidelity: Part 4 Overcoming Resentment:


Quote:
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

In fact, when a couple goes through a recovery after an affair, and then experience another affair, the resentment is often more intense and more persistent after the second recovery. With multiple affairs and recoveries, resentment is almost impossible to overcome. But then, in those cases I usually feel that the emotional reaction of resentment is not irrational at all. Emotions are telling the person that it's not a good idea to continue the relationship, and I would agree.

Thank you all. Hi neak, hope all is well...i have been away from the boards for awhile.
Starfish i agree with Mel excellent post...yes i am living in fear...i am going to try to work on that
Mel, nice to hear from you...reread the resentment article trying to take it all in

thanks again