maybe something someone else says can help me decide to want to meet an EN i don't like.

truthfully i'm not even sure if this the importance of this EN but i am guessing he would like it...

my DH likes to watch TV, i really hate how much the tv is on so i generally find something else to do. during the school year it was homework. now it is cleaning or if everything is good, sudoku puzzles (done in a different room, i could do it on the couch next to him but i find myself choosing to go in our room instead, because it is more comfortable there... at least that is what i tell myself)

i don't like how much my DS watches tv. i think it is bad for him. but that is what he and dad does together.

even when i do watch tv, i don't like the majority of the programming out there and that it's hard to not say so.

today i have been forced to look at my lack of desire to meet an EN of my DH. and it has lead me to look at an even more general thought.

because of my reaction to the tv thing, i'm now left wanting to look at myself a bit harder. because i'm not really so sure i really care about meeting DH's ENs anymore.

i'm worried i'm going downhill and i want to address it. why would i not be wanting to meet any of my DH's ENs?

thoughts?

FL,

Have you considered that your H may NOT like to watch TV so much as it is his way of decompressing and turning off his mind? Does he have favorite programs or does he just sit down and channel surf until he finds something that sort of catches his fancy? Ok, I KNOW about sports <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but seriously think about this.

I am not sure how YOU would meet his EN to watch TV, since it does not involve you other than you want to be with him. It is a habit, just as reading is, but it can also be escapism as well.

I would bet money he does not find many of the shows that good either other than sports and "how about that US Open?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My point, consider this from a different perspective. If you want him with you rather than watching TV he may need something that decompresses him. Oddly, most women don't seem to need this as much, could be a guy thing, I don't know. But, I will say my thumb is in excellent shape, as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Consider some other form of recreation, one thing I know is that often I don't want to talk when I get home from work. I've had more than my fill of conversation, so just sitting, reading the paper, having the TV on, whatever is decompressing for me. W and I will share watching a game show or Dr. Phil on the nights we watch it, AND talk about it, but most shows really are poor. I tend to hang in sports, history channel, discorvery channel and such.

Oddly, this seems more social than reading a book, because I don't really mind being interrupted by my W and talking with her or even doing chores as she finds them for me. When I am reading I usually am pretty focused.

So just some thoughts to consider what is really bothering you. Consider what this is "doing" for him. Then consider if there are ways to both relax his mind AND meet your EN's. It seems to me that here it is YOUR EN that is not being met.

What do you think?

God Bless,

JL

Just an idea, but I use H's TV time to met my EN of Affection! I'll put my head in his lap and he'll play with my hair or rub my back and arm. Could you use this time to do the same? It makes H feel like I'm doing the whole TV thing but I could care less, most of the things he watches is not interesting to me. I can sit there, read a book, and tune out the whole world. How's your LB balance?

that's just it i feel like i'm disconnecting myself.

this is what was first being discussed with FF, and as i wrote to her about how i feel my DH is trying to meet my ENs i thought to myself... "and how are you doing in regards to the same thing" and that made me think... maybe i'm not.

it's very confusing!!!

jl, my post to you didn't make it, i got some funky error.

obviously the next one worked just fine....

of course the one that was lost was the longer one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i'll try to reconstruct

How do you know it is an actual EN?
If it is an EN how high is it rated?
I don't think it is required that you meet every EN with the highest importance if it is not that important to him.
If watching TV with you is a 1 for him then I would say give it a 1 effort.
I think concentrating on the most important EN's gets you more deposits into the LB.

I would say if you didn't care to meet the most important EN's then you would need to take a look at yourself like you are doing now.

jl, as always, thanks for the response.

this is going to be a shortened version cuz it is time to go home soon...

he surfs, normally on the golf channel. (he thought tiger would win us open, in memory of his dad, but tiger didn't even make it to the final round! i didn't see who won)

remember he has a different schedule than most. if he is not on a photo shoot, he is home. he averages 2 shoots a week. sometimes more, sometimes less.

during school year, he had kids to get off by 8am and be ready for their return at 3pm. about 20% of the time, i get kids to school either because he is gone early on a job, gone early to golf or to let him sleep in.

he does more of the shopping/cooking than me. he is usually the one to do laundry, although i'll help put it away.

during the summer the kids DS12 and DD16 are home a lot.

if he does not like tv, he is doing a good impressio of someone who likes tv!!! i don't like tv, therefore, i turn it off and put on music instead. seems logical, you only watch tv if you like it.

we no longer play backgammon on a regular basis, he got sick of my lucky rolls.... (i should of purposely lost more!!)

he has not actually mentioned anything about wishing i would watch tv more. this is just all based on my own thoughts.

so you are telling me to find alternatives for him....

but i don't think that will be appreciated...

when i watch with him, if i talk or asks questions, it bothers him (same goes for when he is reading paper).

the more i look at this the more it think it really is more about me and my needs then him.

which just leaves me feeling selfish <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

we have never done the EN questionaire...

Hi FL_G

Squid loves TV too. I don't. More to the point she loves ME to sit with her while she watches TV. I tried for a long while but I couldn't do it.

The way I see it TV watching is an action, the EN must be for something other than Eastenders and reality TV.

I try to offer lot sof alternatives to TV where Squid and I can spend time together and its been fairly successful if tiring. Also there ARE shows we both enjoy and watch together. I think its easy companionship that Squid appreciates not me staring at the goggle box with her. I hope so anyway !

not his fault by the way. i have mentioned it, he has said he would. I have not followed thru and printed them.

ok, actually i have printed them a couple of times.

i've never followed thru by giving them to him.

cuz then i will have to fill out too

and it looks hard to fill out

and i fear if mine don't say he is doing everything perfectly he will be offended.

and that will just make things worse.

bob, DH loves tv. he has never really given me the impression that he would love for me to sit with him.

companionship does not seem to be a high EN of his.

of course, now we all know, i don't actually know his ENs now do i?

"when i watch with him, if i talk or asks questions, it bothers him (same goes for when he is reading paper)."

This is a universal truth for all men. Do not ask a question when it is in the middle of a sporting event or a T.V. show. Thats why there are commercials. LOL. My FWW does this when she misses part of a show. She won't wait for a commercial for me to explain. I told her it doesn't make sense to me. You miss a part then ask me what happened. Now we both miss a part while I explain. Who is going to fill us both in? LOL. Wait for the commercial.

It sounds like you want him to do something other then watch TV. Play other games. There are a million of them out there. My wife won't play backgammon with me either for the same reason.

Just my 2 cents

ok, i'm leaving for now....

i'm just feeling more and more like a failure and my mood is taking a major dive.

i'll come back when i get a grip of my emotions so i can make this be productive instead of what is happening to me right now.

ok, that made me seriously laugh. thanks for that.

Ermmm...you want to come to MY house and try to talk during Squid's soaps ! I think its a universal truth for folks engrossed in TV , not just men ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh bOb you just hit the other universal truth my friend.
It is different!!!! When you do it to the female of our species.
The female is doing it for the right reasons. The male is just being rude.
If I interupt Mrs. Hurting during her shows I get the look of death possibly with a finger in front of the mouth telling me shush.
I have been dumb enough to tell her she does it to me only to receive the it's different reasoning.
So far I have been unable to wrap my mind around what is so different but I am sure it is true. Because she told me so. LOL

I am not being facetious, but how can TV be an EN?

Is it coming in under recreational companionship? Because to me, that should be two-sided, as in something you both like to do together.

It doesn't feel right to me that you have to amuse yourself for long periods of time, while he does something you don't like. If it were just an hour or two to decompress, that would be one thing, but if it's all the time that seems like a problem.

Neak - Dr Harley says Peanut Butter Sandwiches can be an EN. Not that I disagree with your other points.

ok, cute comments about the whole talking during tv, but lets move on now... the initial laugh helped but now i would like serious help again.

remember, DH has not told me he would like it if i would watch tv with him more. but i do believe joining your spouse to watch tv can be an EN.

maybe it is a balance thing.... i'll have to think on that more.

even if it is, how do i fix it?

" i do believe joining your spouse to watch tv can be an EN."

Ok so you believe it but:
Is it really one of his needs?
If so how important is it to him?

My first MC put it like this as far as needs are concerned.

You may think that you are doing something really good but if it isn't that important to your spouse then you are not getting the points you think you are.

For example I thought my FWW liked getting flowers. She liked them but not as much as spending the same amount getting her hair or nails done. I thought that by getting her flowers this I was making some nice deposits when in all reality they were small ones. Now I get gift cards to nail or hair place and for the same amount of time and less engergy I get more points.

If you are looking for a fix that is up to you. Can you sit and watch some TV with him? I like needings idea she laid there and didn't watch TV she just spent time with her H.

I hate going shopping at the mall. My FWW loves going to the mall. I go just to spend time with her get myself a pretzel and consider it exercise. Problem solved.

Maybe he needs some time to decompress. Then you go off and get busy. He thinks you are busy so he keeps watching. He keeps watching TV so you keep busy. It could be you think he would rather watch TV and he thinks you are to busy so he keeps watching.

Communicate with him and find out. Then you can plot a course of action

BigK, I guess that makes sense in a weird sort of way. Which is why I asked for clarification. It had never ever crossed my mind that TV might be an EN. Interesting.

of course the answer is a can. but i have not choosen to now have i? i think i need to fight off the unenthusastic feeling and just do it.

during the school year i had homework duty to blame. and house keeping.

but lately, it has been obvious to me, i don't really try to engage in being with him enough. i hide behind activities.

i'm going to have to
a) just knock it off.
and
b) try to dig a bit to figure out why i've been hiding.

regarding if it really is one of his needs or not...

i think it is a fairly safe assumption. i know for a fact
giving him a foot rub at the same time is definitely something he likes.

FLs - How about planning the TV time instead of surfing the channels for ages. Can't you get some kind of TV guide and make a list of the shows he likes to watch. There must be some you also enjoy.

My WH's idea of heaven would be watching TV with cups of tea being served and having his feet rubbed. I often used to sit and watch programs I'm not interested in to be with him. Also, he likes TV on just for the sake of it whether he's watching it or not. It was/and is the same in his house growing up. TV was always on and his dad was in charge of the remote.

Maybe make a note of exactly how much time he watches the TV for a week. You never know, it might shock him into realising he is a couch potato. Personally, I'm guilty of too much time at the computer. I don't know the answer FLs but I do understand your frustration. TT

This hit a real chord with me. I don't know if H started watching more TV when I started using the computer a lot more but he and DS spend HOURS in front of it. If there's nothing on they go and get a dvd. I find TV totally boring. I used to like it but now the programmes are so crappy I just can't be bothered.

I'm also not allowed to speak or ask either of them what's happened before I arrived in the room. It's sort of funny but it isn't. He watches movies, the History channel and that sort of thing. DS enjoys the same sort of thing and they sit in companionable silence. Silence is a foreign word to me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Part of the problem is our schedules. He works on a Saturday which is my blob out day so by Sunday I'm ready to do something. Sunday is his blob out day and the TV goes on first thing and stays on most of the day. By Monday, when I'm back at work, he's ready to do something.

I'm sure he'd be happy to do something on a Sunday if I suggested it. I've also noticed that I just have to wink at him and say I'm going to bed (when DS isn't there) and whatever is on TV suddenly becomes very boring to him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

I also think TV watching is a completely passive thing to do, unlike reading. I'm sure it's used a lot to avoid communication (in a lot of cases). I'm certainly guilty of spending too much time on the computer.

I am going to lean more toward watching TV being a habit than being an EN. But that is me. I was raised on TV. Night and day. It was a really bad habit. I bet I used to watch TV at least five hourse a day. Now I don't watch much at all - if any. I am not sure why either.

I will say that WW can listen to music all day long. I can't. I find I need something to occupy a lot of my senses. This is why I don't find reading very interesting. I get more sensory saturation with TV. So part of it may just be how your husband's mind works. I found that I had to trade TV for something equally as challenging to the senses. So I found certain behaviors that were good substitutes and adopted them.

I also make rules for myself for watching TV. I record programs at night and I put a TV and VCR in the garage where my Bowflex is and I only let myself watch TV when I am working out. I just watched a movie and can barely lift my arms.

I guess my point is that maybe you could think of helping your husband find alternatives to his need to watch TV. I love to play golf but I find watching it to be fairly boring. If I find myself starting to watch golf, I force myself to go to the driving range, for example.

I admit I turn the TV on at night to help relax before going to bed. The TV has been on every night this week and I haven't watched a single program. I usually end up talking to WW or fighting with DDs so they will go to sleep. Last night WW was watching the world cup and actually kicked me out of bed when Ukraine scored a goal. DD1 came in and told her to be quiet because she was trying to sleep.

If husband is addicted to TV, it is hard to just stop. It is easier to divert a freight train than to stop it cold.

an EN i don't want to meet.
You haven’t told us which emotional need of your husbands you do not want to meet.

but i do believe joining your spouse to watch tv can be an EN.
Being with the spouse is the key here. Watching tv is not an emotional need.
In the 15 hours a week of undivided attention a week, TV does not count, movies (even on date ) almost never count.
Interactionis the key. Sitting in front of the TV and even making a few comments are NOT undivided attention.

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3300_needs.html
Affection
Sexual Fulfillment
Conversation
Recreational Companionship
Honesty and Openness
Physical Attractiveness
Financial Support
Domestic Support
Family Commitment
Admiration

Watching TV "with me" can be just as much of an EN as going for a walk "with me" or bike riding "with me". EN's are, as bigkahuna pointed out, in the eye of the beholder. For some, it can fall in the category of a habit when he/she can't find something prductive to do, and sometimes (like with my two teenagers) it becomes a bit like an addiction when you just can't stand to NOT find out what happens on your favorite soap/drama/sporting event. Most people don't *need* someone sitting next to them to partake in the brain drain of television (sorry, my prejudice is showing), but there are people for whom it truly is something they consider recreation that they want to share with a companion.

My FWH has never filled out any of the questionairres. He never identified EN's as such, but he has told me very specifically that one of the things the FOW "did" for him was to sit on the couch and watch TV with him. I believe my not-so-LB-free response had to be something to the effect of "You have GOT to be KIDDING!", because I literally had no idea that planting myself down in front of the tube with a bowl of popcorn was something that could ever be "constructive". To him, it is. It ranks up there with sitting on the back of his motorcycle for a long ride. There is no interaction other than body contact--no conversation, no undivided attention, not really any active physical affection other than having an arm rubbed or something that doesn't require any real thought. However, another one of the things my H said he'd love to do with me was scuba diving. Nothing "shared" there other than the experience. And that, apparently, is the draw. Being there with him as life is being lived. Or, as in the case of TV watching, as little brain cells die off and are replaced with yet another stupid line to quote. NOT my idea of marriage building, but it means *something* to him. I suppose the trick is finding shows/movies that we both would be interested in without ending up in a catatonic state!

FLs, you haven't really said whether or not TV viewing is something you have discussed with your H (in a nonthreatening way when he's not trying to watch it, that is), but I think judging by your intensifying frustration level that it may be in order. You really need to let him know that it is bothering you, and it's pretty important also to find out if it's something he actually wants you to be part of or if he's just sitting there vegging out by force of habit and lack of "anything better to do". If necessary, kidnap the man and take him to a quiet restaurant where the two of you can talk! You'd probably not feel so jilted if there were other things you were doing together as a couple that would qualify as recreational companionship, right? An hour or two of having time for yourself wouldn't be so much of an issue if you knew you could count on that undivided attention, correct?

Chris,

i do think joining him to watch TV can really be filling an EN of his. I think it would fall under recreation companionship. I agree it does NOT qualify as being counted toward the undivided attention time. that is not what was being discussed. or are you meaning to say that ENs are only being filled during the quality time?

however, you do bring up a good point. we bearly spend 15 mins a day of quality time.

to all those that had good advice as to how to curtail the amount to TV my DH watches... i don't think he would see it as doing him any favor.

yes we have talked about it, i have asked (at times when the tv was off) if we could have 1 evening a week were there is no tv and he has agreed but then it does not happen. if we are home, the tv is on, usually before i even manage to get my shoes off and walk into the living room.

i'll be away from the computer all day today. going on a "fieldtrip" with my daughter (dressing up as alphaba from Wicked, green face and all, and going to a sing-a-long celebration). it should be a lot of fun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> this is quality time, (this is why my DD and I have such a great relationship).

FL

You gotta do a ENQ. The process is as useful as the knowledge of a spouses ENS is IME. Forces all parties to think actively about their ENs and also their fulfilment of their own and their spouses ENs.

Ghost,

Could it be that you suffer from the same malady as I do? The technical name for it is:
"follow-through-phobia". <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Translation: the fear and/or apparent inability to follow through.

As long as you've been reading and posting here... you've never filled out the EN questionaire? And your husband even said he's willing to do it? See what I mean.

And what happens is... you know you should just do it. It bugs you that you haven't. You come here and blow off some steam about it... get it off your chest... then just let it slide. But the matter doesn't get resolved.

As for the TV issue, here's what I see: Your husband's constant TV watching bugs the living daylights out of you because you'd like to be getting some of that attention. You know... putting aside all the MB jargon about meeting EN's and avoiding LB's and all that... I think it's okay to admit it when one or more of your spouse's habits drives you nuts and makes you unhappy.

But don't stop there... (she said, thinking she should take her own advice).

Tell me if I have this right, okay? You did initiate a conversation with him, asking him for one TV-free night a week... but the two of you didn't pick a specific night... and when HE didn't follow through on it... neither did you.

You come home each night and the TV's already on... so you think, "Well, maybe tomorrow". Or worse yet, you think, "Maybe he didn't really mean it. Another disappointment. I give up." But maybe... he's just waiting for you to take the lead.

As in...

"Mr. Ghost, remember we said we'd spend some time together once a week with the TV off? I was wondering... would you like to do that tonight? Maybe after you've had an hour or so to watch and unwind? Or was there something specific you really wanted to watch tonight? If so, maybe tomorrow night...?"

Whadda ya think?

Hope you had an AWSOME time on your daughter's field trip!

Hugs,
--SC

FL,

I think you have gotten some really good advice here. I agree that the ENQ should be a priority to you.

As I stated before sometimes one partner believes that doing something for the other is filling a big need and it is not. Why focus your energy and attention into something that won't get you the deposits you want. He may not even consider you watching TV with him a deposit. Or again it may be a 1 on his emotional needs.

As you said he likes footrubs. That will get you a deposit into the LB. That may take say 15-30 minutes and in return you have made a big deposit. You can watch TV for 2 hours with no deposit.

Look at the ENQ as a blueprint or path into getting the biggest return on your investment. It will let you work smarter not harder to earn those deposits.

To be honest if my FWW watched TV with me I wouldn't think it was all that great nor would I consider it a deposit into the LB. Unless she was laying down next to me cuddling or massaging my feet.

IMHO TV creates a distance between two people it does not bring them together. Can you talk and actively listen?

One last thing instead of saying I want one night without TV why not try saying. You know I really enjoy spending time with you. On Thursdays can we take a nice walk after dinner then play a few games. Or make thursday night Icecream and game night.

Instead of pointing out what you don't want point out what you do want.

Dr Harley says Peanut Butter Sandwiches can be an EN
Where does it say this? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

but there are people for whom it truly is something they consider recreation that they want to share with a companion.
Sitting there is not sharing anything.
If you were to acknowledge each other, discuss the plot & the characters, and what the writer was trying to get across, it would be something.
If you are not interacting with your spouse, or doing something the spouse will benefit from (such as making dinner or having a job to pay bills), then there is no emotional "need" component to it.

he has told me very specifically that one of the things the FOW "did" for him was to sit on the couch and watch TV with him.
That is because he was in lust at the time.
Also in his brain, he is rewriting what he felt at the time, because he was in lust, sitting next to her made him giddy.

In my M, I'm the TV watcher. My FWH, like Pio, grew up in front of the TV and hates it now. I grew up with no TV, except football and the news, so I'm addicted.

Plus, if your H is mostly watching sports, he's probably tied to these far more than one would be if they just watched sit coms or reality series. I'm truly hooked on watching sports (btw, the ending of the US open was truly memorable, too bad you weren't sitting with your H during that one...he would have HAD to talk to you then). When the 18th hole with the final pairing came up, I had to hush my children, who were constantly asking questions, too.

If your H likes sports, it's tough to get him to break away long enough to answer dozens of questions. I hate it when newbies interrupt me with basic questions, but I love talking about details with knowledgable audiences. Honestly, I get nervous when my H joins me on the sofa. I know he tsk tsks the idiodic shows I watch, and I don't want to hear his condescension.

BTW, I LOVE backgammon, play it all the time. Ideally, I love to play backgammon while watching football on TV. My H doesn't play board games, either, and that's a big EN of mine. My dad said it would probably be a source of problems down the road in our M, and I dismissed him. Dad was right. I wish H would play board games, but I can't expect him to change just for me.

As a TV addict, I'd have to say

Don't take it personally.

If he happens to be the type who likes it when you snuggle up and collect some affection points while he's tubing, then great. If not, I wouldn't LB him about it. When ever my H gives me grief about my TV habits, I get defensive and aggravated. Not exactly good for happy times around the house. Try not to be too judgemental, and focus on the stuff you can both enjoy.

Only 2.5 months before NCAA football season starts. I can't wait, but FWH is dreading it, I'm sure!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />
Actually, my “h” is non-existent.
(You replied to me)

Chris, I never attempted to say that sharing the couch for two hours of boob-tubing was undivided attention or that there was anything "gained" by sitting there with him. HOWEVER, like I said, my H also equates motorcycle riding (certainly no possibility of "sharing" anything other than a seat) and scuba diving with togetherness. It's not the ability to engage in ANY conversation that he is interested in. It's the need to have a warm body next to him. No, it's not useful for our marriage--but it's something he had wanted from me for years, and because I had equated TV watching with the likes of a slow, painless lobotomy, I didn't think it had any importance. To *ME*, it has no importance, but to *HIM*, it does.


Actually, the lust FOLLOWED the long hours on the couch. The EA developed as a result of the time the FOW had to sit on the couch and do nothing, whereas I couldn't stand it. I'm not sure why that's so incomprehensible, really. You know, not all humans think and feel the same way. Something that seems unimportant to one person may be a huge deal to someone else. And to my H, it was important that he have somebody sitting next to him while he was vegging out in front of the TV. That was quite literally the ONLY "recreational companionship" that they shared. No, they didn't discuss plot twists; I'd actually be surprised if she could do that at all. They watched Jay Leno and David Letterman and the comedy channel. Very little to discuss, but having someone take the time to sit there and "veg out" with him made feel important. It's something I'm still learning how to do.

My H, on the other hand, has learned that if he can somehow find a way to pass on a little affection to me while I'm sitting there with him watching TV, it becomes MUTUALLY fulfilling. I don't feel so bored and dejected. He does NOT want me discussing things with him while he's watching TV, but conversation is high on my list. This is a balance we have still not figured out. But I know he decompresses by watching TV, and I know he wants me sitting there next to him for at least some of that time, so I'm not going to begrudge him.

Oh, and as for the peanut butter sandwiches....I consider myself a pretty accomplished cook. I can think of maybe three times in our nearly 17-year-marriage that my H hasn't liked something I made (and one of those was my only attempt at low-carb baking for his benefit...NEITHER of us liked it), and I very rarely prepare meals that are bland or boring. However, on more than several occasions, he has all but BEGGED me to make him a PB&J sandwich, because he loves them. I never even considered PB&J something you'd want if you had *better* options available. But every now and then, we all need to be babied, right? Did you ever read the thread (I don't remember how long ago it was) called "No more hamburgers"? It spoke of continually offering someone far more than what they were needing--giving them hamburgers when what they really needed was a drink of water. Sometimes what someone "needs" is far more simple than we may believe, and we often discount their "needs" as ridiculous. It's dangerous (especially in marriage) to TELL someone that what they believe they *need* isn't really a *need*, but that it's just something they *want*. I believe Harley calls it a disrespectful judgment. Take someone at their word. When they say they 'need' something, it's obviously something they consider a high priority.

FL's may not add any love units into her H's account by sitting and watching TV with him, because she doesn't know yet if it's something he likes to do alone or with someone sitting there with him. She DOES know that he likes footrubs. That's something she can do for him. But again, it all comes down to knowing what your spouse's EN's are and how he or she prefers those EN's to be met. Can scuba diving be recreational companionship? Can motorcycle riding? If they can (and I believe there are MANY who believe they can be), then so can watching TV. In fact, watching movies and TV are even on the Recreational Enjoyment Inventory. They may not be Emotional Needs in and of themselves, but even Dr. Harley acknowledges that some people want to do these things WITH someone else. That makes them ways to meet the EN for recreational companionship.

When you first started this thread, I hesitated to point out that Harley specifically addresses television, I just can't remember exactly where.

The main trouble with Television is that it discourages true emotional connection/conversation.

It's good for quiet time together, in a healthy relationship, but I have seen literally dozens of bad marriages where the couple was completely disconnected but were able to spend time in front of the tv every night. All that TV time did nothing to enhance their relationship.

Here’s a good link which talks directly to the point of watching television.
How to Overcome Independent Behavior
“I'm sick of my husband's addiction to television. He's a sports addict, which I understand. When he was single and wanted to get married, one of his chief complaints was that he was tired of being alone watching TV and having no one to talk to.
“ (click above to read the rest...)

Another... (yes, I know this speaks to undivided attention as opposed to ENs but it is relevant)
The Policy of Undivided Attention
“When you see a movie together, the time you are watching it doesn't count toward your time for undivided attention (unless you behave like the couple who sat in front of my wife and me last week!). It's the same with television and sporting events.“