An crusty oldster writes an open letter to MBers - 07/07/06 03:03 AM
Every once in a while, some old fogey (like me <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />) comes along and decides to post some nuggets of info they've gathered over their years at MB. As you will see by my sig line below, I have been here for... uh... awhile. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
I decided it's my turn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />I rarely begin posts anymore but for a couple of nights a week I read here for an hour or two because my H works late... and I post.
My thread won't be deep or profound - at least I don't think so. Consider it a conversational deal... I'll talk for ... like... an hour or so... and then you can talk, if you'd like... and then I'll talk again, and then you.
Feel free to tell me I'm full of air, or crap, or daisies... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />.
So, here are my thoughts/nuggets/road apples (in no particular order):
And finally:
I decided it's my turn. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />I rarely begin posts anymore but for a couple of nights a week I read here for an hour or two because my H works late... and I post.
My thread won't be deep or profound - at least I don't think so. Consider it a conversational deal... I'll talk for ... like... an hour or so... and then you can talk, if you'd like... and then I'll talk again, and then you.
Feel free to tell me I'm full of air, or crap, or daisies... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />.
So, here are my thoughts/nuggets/road apples (in no particular order):
- The following words should be banned when speaking of Former Wayward Spouses: "All" and "Every".
Not all or every FWS is waiting, pining, or hoping for another contact from the affair partner. In fact, some FWS's will never forget the damage they did to their spouse, their family, or themselves. Some would rather die than 'go there' again. Some will NEVER again in their lifetime be unfaithful. - There comes a point when FWS's need to move forward and REclaim their integrity.
Time to rejoin the human race as a RECOVERED person, knowing that you will never travel that road again...
You have exposed and made amends to absolutely everyone the affair touched. (Pssst: this includes forgiving YOURSELF) - For FBS's who feel they cannot move on, even with amends, remorse and the FWS having done everything asked of them (my heart goes out to you!) -- there is no shame in seeking help.
See your doctor, your minister, a therapist, go on a spiritual quest, do SOMETHING: Tell someone or many someone's about your pain. Don't hold it in - it leads to resentment. Like JL is fond of saying (and he's quoting an older poster from years ago): Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die. - Don't lie to yourself.
Try this exercise, no matter how dumb you think it is: Go to your bathroom mirror - under the brightest light - and look at your face - especially your eyes. Pull your hair back if its long. You want to see your face.
Tell the reflection what you see, what you think of him/her; the good, the bad, and the ugly. Notice how hard it is to lie to yourself while you watch yourself (it really *is* hard, try it!). - Hold yourself to a high standard.
If everyone were watching your every move, what would you do differently?
From the little things (you got too much change at the A&P) to the big things (cheating on your taxes) to the biggest things (you were an infidel)....
Remember that someone IS watching you - your children, your spouse, your God, and your gut. If you screwed up before, now is your chance to make things right from this point forward. - Forgive yourself.
Two little words, but very difficult to do, especially for people like me, who (for some unknown reason probably related to my mother <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" /> ) enjoy beating themselves up for years and years.
There really is a lot a value in another two little words: Let go. - From where you've taken, give back.
Hey, that's why I'm still here... though at times, I still take. And I laugh. And cry. And pray. - BS's, it is never, ever, ever, ever, ever your fault that your spouse cheated.
- WS's, you made a choice. Not a mistake: a mistake is putting too much salt in the stew. A choice is having an affair.
- "Remorse" and "Repent" are not the same word and don't have the same meaning. Feeling bad is not the same as turning away from. A true recovery (for the WS) will include repentance. It will go a long way toward recovery for the BS, too.
A few parting thoughts:(aka - some things I have done over the years to make me feel better around here) - Look for posts that have 0 responses and answer them. You never know who's day you will brighten or who's heart you will lighten. Some days you will be in a better place and someone else will be in a bad place. Being ignored is one of the worst feelings out there - especially for someone who is being ignored by their spouse.
- Find junior members and welcome them to Marriage Builders. I used to have a whole welcome message, but NSR and OneGoing crafted a much nicer one. But my little one wasn't bad either, and people felt welcommed, which is what matters.
- Don't think that you have nothing to contribute. If you don't understand, ask questions. If you disagree, say so. If you agree, say so. If you're a praying person, you can always say a prayer.
And finally:
- Today might be the day you were suppose to talk to someone. You just might make a difference.
Last week, LA said that I said something to her that only I was suppose to say... like it was meant to be! What a cool thought!
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