Jack wakes up with a huge hangover the night after a business social function.

He forces himself to open his eyes and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins next to a glass of water on the side table. And next to that, a single red rose!

Jack sits up in bed and sees his clothing in front of him, all cleaned and pressed.

He looks around the room and sees that everything is in perfect order - spotlessly clean. So is the rest of the house. He takes the aspirins, but cringes when he sees a huge black eye staring back at him in the bathroom mirror. There’s a note on the table:

“Honey, breakfast is on the stove. I left early to go shopping. Love you!!”

Jack stumbles to the kitchen and sure enough, there is a hot breakfast and the morning paper. His college student son is also at the table, eating. Jack asks, “Son - what happened last night?”

“Well,” he replied, “you came home after 3 a.m., drunk and out of your mind like a frat boy. You broke the coffee table, puked in the hallway and got that black eye when you ran into the door.”

“So, why is everything in such perfect order, so clean, and I have a rose and breakfast waiting for me?”

His son replies, “Oh, THAT! Well, Mom dragged you off the bedroom and when she tried to take your pants off, you screamed,

“Leave me alone, you $lut! I’m MARRIED!!!”

Broken table - $200.00
Hot breakfast $5.00
Red Rose - $3.00
Two aspirins - $.25
Saying the right thing at the right time - Priceless!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT

bwahahahhaaaaa <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LOL!!!!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LOL !

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> LOL! {hehehe}

WAT,

LOL

Oh how I like that one, lol.

I love this more every time I see it.

very funny!!!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

L.

OK, Dokey....Just sprayed coffee on my keyboard...What a lovely!
Thanks.

This joke is going around the world, WAT. I told it to several people (including my aunt, who is a 79 year old nun <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />) and there has been LOL in Belgium - all your "fault" ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Not my fault - because I got it from someone else!

I did change a few words to "track" it though - e.g., I added the "frat boy" description.

If you see this version from another source, yep - my fault. Or more correctly - the fault of whoever sent it on. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT
--------------------
Enamortization - to have an affair and end up paying for it for the next 30 years.

Hi WAT, what does to "track" it mean in this context ?
(sorry, I'm not English but a silly furriner as you probably "read" here <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

OK -

"Track it" in this context means that I made a small change to the story in order to be able to identify this version if it comes around again via another source. If the same change is present in the version from another source, I know it most certainly originated from here at MB - since I didn't post it anywhere else.

Just a game I play.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />
WAT

I give it one week to end up in my email box at work or home.

Silly WAT...now I have to come back to MB when it arrives!

BTW how are things on your side of the world?

you know those "win this car" contests in the mall?

well

I like to fill in the card with one of my pets' name and wait for all the credit card offers to be mailed to Simba

~meow~

Pep

Aha... a tracking device !
ferry James Bondy ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />
Smart idea, really.

Haha Pep.. good one !
But what if Simba starts buying things with them..? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Hi Knewj - things are terrific with me! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

No complaints!

Cherry tomatoes are coming in gangbusters. Yummy!

Big maters and peppers close behind.

Gonna smoke a brisket on Sunday. This will give me about 8 hours of lounging on the patio with Coronas and Jimmy B. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

How are you? Who Knew? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

WAT
------------------
Flabrication - the weight on your driver's license.

Simba's first purchase would be a whisker-controlled can opener .... or opposable thumbs ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Pep - yea, I used to have a roomie - years ago - who filled in the name Antonio Puerto for junk mail solicitations. Antonio got all sorts of stuff after that.

shhhhhhh - I get cc aps for my XW. Want any?

FWAT

We're doing good!

All the kids (pets) are doing well. The allergy season is not going well for the pups and one of the cats. Two legged kids have to be cheaper then pets!! In the next year or so (I hope for later) Aeon will have hip surgery. He's already had 2 knee surgeries.

Yep we named one of the dogs Aeon Blue! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

In November we'll celebrate 9 years. I am still amazed we made it this far.

Send me some of those tomatos. Mine are only doing so so this year. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

ever since I have been doing this ... Simba's self-esteem has skyrocketed !

Please don't tell me his self esteem was low before...

I can't imagine a cat with low self esteem....

That's oxymoronic!

I put all the junkmail I can fit into one of the prepay envelopes with junk mail and send 'em back once per week or so.

That is SO funny!! What a genius idea! I swear, I'm gonna DO IT. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I take all the cc apps we get for our X's and leave them in malls and bus stops <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

NOOOOO.. we dont do that, much, anymore <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

What did the Buddist monk say to the hot dog vendor?

Make me one with everything <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

A nice old lady is sitting outside her house, on a bench, watching children play.
Suddenly a fairy appears.
"Sweet lady, because you have been so good unto others all your life, you are granted three wishes - but you cannot wish for others. This time you HAVE to wish things for yourself."

The old lady thinks for a moment.
"Then make me young again, so I can be strong and healthy and enjoy life longer."
And it is done - she is 20 years old again.

"And please fix my house - it needs a lot of repairing."
And the house is shiny and new again.

"And I would like some company - perhaps you could turn my sweet old cat Simba into a nice young man for me?"
And it is done.

The now young woman sits on the bench, hand in hand with her handsome young friend.
He smiles at her, gently, and asks:
"Aren't you sorry now that you got me neutered?"

stop it

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

LMAO!!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

BEER TROUBLESHOOTING CHART

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Feet cold and wet.[/color]
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......Glass being held at incorrect angle.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Rotate glass so that open end points toward ceiling.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Feet warm and wet.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......Improper bladder control.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Stand next to nearest dog, complain about house training.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Beer unusually pale and tasteless.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......Glass empty.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Get someone to buy you another beer.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Opposite wall covered with fluorescent lights.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......You have fallen over backward.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Have yourself leashed to bar.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Mouth contains cigarette butts.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......You have fallen forward.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....See above.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Beer tasteless, front of your shirt is wet.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......Mouth not open, or glass applied to wrong part of face.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Retire to restroom, practice in mirror.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Floor blurred.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......You are looking through bottom of empty glass.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Get someone to buy you another beer.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Floor moving.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......You are being carried out.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Find out if you are being taken to another bar.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Room seems unusually dark.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......Bar has closed.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Confirm home address with bartender.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Taxi suddenly takes on colorful aspect and textures.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......Beer consumption has exceeded personal limitations.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Cover mouth.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Everyone looks up to you and smiles.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......You are dancing on the table.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Fall on somebody cushy-looking.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Beer is crystal-clear.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......It's water. Somebody is trying to sober you up.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Punch him.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Hands hurt, nose hurts, mind unusually clear.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......You have been in a fight.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Apologize to everyone you see, just in case it was them.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Don't recognize anyone, don't recognize the room you're in.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......You've wandered into the wrong party.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....See if they have free beer.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Your singing sounds distorted.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......The beer is too weak.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Have more beer until your voice improves.

[color:"green"]PROBLEM..Don't remember the words to the song.
[color:"blue"]FAULT.......Beer is just right.
[color:"red"]ACTION.....Play air guitar.[/color]

Hey - I'm not so thunk as you guys drink I am !!

Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie
went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95-year-old
grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied,
He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear,"replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our
advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church
bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow
and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the
Dong."

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued, "He'd still be alive if
the ice cream truck hadn't come along."

Best use of church bells I've ever heard of. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

WAT

Mr Rich, who is 93, goes to his doctor for his annual checkup.
Doctor: Hello Mr Rich, how are you doing?
Mr Rich: Wonderful, Doctor! I have found the love of my life, a beautiful 23-year old woman. I feel like my life has only just started. And you know what - we have just found out that she's pregnant!
Doctor: I see !! Well, then let me tell you what happened to one of my patients. He went bear hunting, but he's not very young anymore and gets a bit confused sometimes. So he went hunting with his umbrella instead of his gun. When he ran into a bear, he aimed with his umbrella, tried to shoot and guess what happened?
Mr Rich: No, tell me !
Doctor: The bear dropped dead in front of him.
Mr Rich: But that's impossible! Someone else must have taken that shot!
Doctor: Yes, well, now to get back to your situation...