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Posted By: Alrey2 I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/27/06 08:21 PM
Well, what do you do now? My WW filed for D, she has a restraining order on me that she will drop if I agree not to move back in the home and she says there is no hope for us to reunite....ever!

I catch much fog talk from her when I discuss our failing marriage and that I still want to save it, but she sounds so very convincing and committed to getting the D. It feels like I am the one in a fog not her. She will not back down at all, not even to entertain the thought of starting over in the future after the D.

She still says she loves the OM and not me. She will not try to save the M for the kids or for the reward I tell her is out there for us if we both give it a try.

She does not want to see or talk to me anymore. She wants everthing to go through other people. Every since the exposure and me moving back home to Plan A her, she has acted like she hates me. I think everything I have tried to do has pushed her away from me and towards him even more.

This D is going to go through. I am going to lose my family, home, much income and my happiness. All because my WW is having an A.

Now what? It is hard to plan A if you are not seeing or talking to the WW very much. I have many people telling me to leave her alone and give it time, but all time will bring is the D. My WW does not see me as her H anymore, only someone she wants to get away from. This is killing me.
Have you exposed your WW's A - especially to family? What do you know about OM? Who is he? Do they work together? If so, have you exposed at their workplace? Could you counterfile and seek custody of the kids? Do you have an attorney?

Posted By: Alrey2 Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/27/06 09:50 PM

Yes, I have exposed this affair to many people. Our families as soon as I knew about it back in June. Her Workplace and friends about a month ago. OM's mother, who he lives with, last week. She was furious at the exposure to her work and things have gone down hill from there it seems. She really hardend her heart to me then.

The OM, I finally know who it is! WW said all along it was a security gaurd at her workplace. As it turns out it is one of her employees. She is his boss. Or was until I told her boss of her A and he transfered the Om to a differant position. He still works there though. OM is 23 years old, WW 35. OM left his GF and 6 month boy to be with my WW. WW is set on divorcing me. I have actually met and been around OM since A started but I did not know it at the time. WW actually took me out with her friends, one being OM and his GF, one night. I feel so dumb. Did she get a power trip off this or feel like she was in control of him and me that night?I can still counterfile and seek custody, but WW says if I try to take custody she will go all out to take everything. If I go joint custody she will not even take child support, she says.

Yes I have an Attorney. He is preparing our side of the paperwork. I have told him to stall because deep down I think my WW will still come to her senses. She says no way....ever will she get back with me.

I do not know how to put a link to my 2 other treads on here. One was my original story, the other about the restraining order.
Posted By: philc Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/27/06 10:44 PM
Don't stall your attorney, get on with what you can do and work hard to defend your position. She is out to move on no matter what you do, so you may as well get someone on your side prepared to battle. Any threat she can make can be countered on some way by a sly enough lawyer, make notes and work diligently with the lawyer to get this finished.
Posted By: ark^^ Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/28/06 10:58 AM
how did the restraining order appear..

how old are the children

are you seeing the children...

you need to get legal counsel asap and seek FULL custody of the children....

Posted By: sbmmal Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/28/06 11:46 AM

Don't count yourself out of this one just yet. Continue to do the unthinkable in the face of "conventional wisdom" - love your enemy - the WW. Plan A and put yourself in a position to be her parachute when the heat of the A cools off, which it will in due time. I am exactly where you are, including the restraining order. Fortunately OM ditched WW after a short while from the pressure of having to meet WW's needs. Remember that they "affair down" and that all of them end sooner or later. Delay, delay, delay. Time is on your side. Expose OM to everyone in his circles and fight for your marriage using unconventional MB wisdom.

If you are a person of faith, cling to that and pray a lot. It works and will help you fix your issues so that when she's ready to fix yours, you'll be ready too.

Hang in there. It's not over yet.

Posted By: Alrey2 Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/28/06 01:15 PM
Thank you all for the responses.

I still love my WW but do not know how I would Plan A her if I do not see her much and with a D marching slowly to finality it almost seems time to just get out of the way. She does not act like she will ever even think of working this out with me.

Does this seem normal? I read alot of other posts and it seems that most WS's are thinking of the marriage even while in the A. Most seem to still want the M or at least are not sure what to do and therefore fence sit. Mine has given no indication of wanting to save this M. She seems more sure of her actions and choices than most of the other posters WS's I've read here.

Anyway, ark, yes the restraining order. I went back home to plan A my WW about a month ago. She did not like this at all and wanted me out of the home. She would get mad at me because she did not understand why I did not seem angry over the A. I would tell her I was hurt and angry but I was trying to save our M because I still loved her.

Anyway, she started flaunting the A in front of me. Talking on the phone to him in front of me and telling me their plans for an evening. One day my WW and I were having a good day of conversations and I tried to kiss her good night. She did not want my affections. The next day I said I would respect her boundary, but had one of my own. I did not want her to disrespect me by talking to him in front of me. Next day she takes his call while we are cooking dinner. He makes a comment about my boundary and they have a laugh at my personal boundary. I finally let go of some anger. I tell her to tell him he is going to get hurt. She gets off phone and we yell at each other. I call her a few choice words and we LB each other alot. Finnaly I go call my sister to calm. Next day I have a restraining order and am out of my home. She says she felt threatend but I have never and she knows I would never raise a hand to her. She simply wanted me out of the home and got it done this way.

This is also why she says she will drop it if I agree not to move back in. She knows she is not in danger.

I am thinking of talking to her about letting me stay at home 2 days a week to see the kids, at least until the D is final. Then maybe if she stays home too, I can plan A her 2 days a week. My fear is that all of this is just pushing her away even more. She even says as much. It seems as soon as I started plan A'ing her things got far worse. We went from DD on the A, to a small seperation to me moving back home to plan A to her filing D papers, all in 3 months. Much faster than other posters here. She seems to set in her choice.
Posted By: worthatry Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/28/06 04:18 PM
Alrey - have you discussed with your attorney having the restraining order lifted?

These things are given out with little threshold.

You should try everything in your power to have it lifted so you can move home.

This affair has all the hallmarks of being one that fizzles quickly. Your wife is on high doses of dopamine that cannot be sustained by her brain. Drag the divorce process out.

Do not take marriage advice from your attorney. Do not take legal advice from your paper boy.
Posted By: Cymanca Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/28/06 05:32 PM

She says no way....ever will she get back with me.

Perhaps you should agree with her?

Hope for Couples in Crisis
Posted By: Alrey2 Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/28/06 06:39 PM

"Perhaps you should agree with her?"

NO... Why would I wish to agree with her on this? I do not feel this way, and I do not want this D, she does.

Besides, I can feel it in my gut that she still loves me and we will work this out. I don't think it will happen soon though. She is very convincing when talking about how she is done, has no love for me, loves OM, wants D and never will she get back with me. This is why I feel like I am the one in the Fog. Could I be wrong to have this feeling? Maybe I am in a fog and she is not.

WAT, Yes I talked with my attorney on this temporary restaining order. We go to court Aug 31 to see if it will be upheld. My attorney says our courts uphold these in almost all cases of a person saying they feel threatend. Why? Because if they lifted it and I hurt her, which I would never, then they look liable. My WW did tell me she would drop it if I agreed to not move back in though. I think this is what she will shoot for in court, an agreement to this. If my attorney could beat the thing I would not agree to stay out of the home but I do not think he can. Besides, it seems that since I went home a month ago, my WW has started to withdraw even more from me and flaunt the affair. Seems it just pushes her away. Is this normal?
Posted By: Alrey2 Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/28/06 06:47 PM

Also, I know it would seem as if this A would end quickly because of the age differance of my WW and OM. I don't know though. She became friends with Om a year beforre the PA started. They got to know each other though conversations. I would say the EA began picking up steam 6 months before PA. This makes it an EA/PA of 14 months or more already. Plus if you add in that my WW has conviction, always has, she may stick with it just because she made this choice.

I do hope it ends before the D is final. I want so desperatly to save my M and protect my family. If we D and we lose the home to this it will be a tragedy.
Posted By: Cymanca Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/28/06 06:55 PM

It was a rhetorical question.Please read the URL on my last post. It will answer the question you have asked.
Posted By: Alrey2 Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/29/06 10:10 PM
Just got back from a meeting with my attorney on the D papers and the restraining order. We have counter filed the D petition and gone for joint custody with me as the primary care giver. WW will be steamed at this one.

On the restraining order we are going to request a hearing and fight the thing. He says it is border line as to how it will go since there was no physical contact, only an argument. I told my attorney I wanted to go home and take care of my kids. If it is upheld we are filing a temporary custody petition, but I will be out of the home and can not speak with WW for a year. So, in 2 days my WW and I are set for the first eye-to-eye court proceeding. Should be interesting to see her in court and how this will start to effect her thinking.

I still love my W and family. Everyday away from them is a slow torturous death. I can only hope that she comes out of her fog sometime soon and sees this A as it is, unsustainable.

On the bright side, I am headed out to get my kids and go to dinner with them tonight.
Posted By: Alrey2 Re: I was served the D papers...Now what? - 08/31/06 05:20 PM
Well today was court on the restraining order my WW had on me. I won!!!!!! The restraining order is lifted. The judge said there was not enough to issue it since I have never harmed her, never tried to and never will.

My WW was not very happy. I am happy because the ball is back in my court. I am torn, however, between moving back in and giving her space. I think the wisdom here is to move back in and Plan A her until the Divorce goes through and I must leave.

My issue with this is that she really does not want me here and if I just move back in she will hate me even more. She is already so withdrawn from me that she can't even look at me anymore, she won't talk to me other than to say "We ARE getting a D", she even tried to get a bogus restraining order on me so I could not contact her for a year.

It would seem that me moving back in a month ago only served to have her withdraw even more. So, why would it help this time? I would like nothing better than to move back if it would help my marriage but I don't see that right now. Can a WW come out of the fog when they are so far into it that they see only D as the answer? Could it be that she is not in a fog and truely wants a D regardless of the A?

Even though I won today I fear that I am losing the main battle of saving this marriage. Any input or hope is appreiciated.
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