How awful is the OW in your situation?

Since the A first started and WH left, I have had the feeling that the OW was deliberately torturing me by stealth. Paranoid, I know – but it really feels like it sometimes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Just little things at first really – things she’d said to the children when they were over at WXH’s place that she knew they would repeat to me.

For example, she told DD6 that she and WH wanted to have a baby. This was before we were even divorced! Another time, she and WXH took the girls into a shoe shop and let them look at all the different styles. After the girls had found some they liked, OW told them sorry, she and WXH couldn’t buy them for them because they didn’t have any money, that mommy would have to buy them instead (WXH have over $110,000 PA between them; I am on welfare).

Last spring, due to my illness I ended up in hospital for five days. The children stayed with WXH and OW, and were only allowed to come and see me once. When they called me on the phone, OW was in the room with them each time, so they couldn’t have a proper conversation with me. Each time DD6 was talking, OW was making silly faces at her and making her laugh, so her attention was completely taken away from me. When they did come and see me, OW came up the ward and stood outside waiting. It was like having Death itself lurking outside! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

Over the summer, WXH and OW took the girls to visit his parents for his father’s 60th birthday. WXH's brother and sister in law, and their little son were there too. WXH’s brother is a former BS, by the way – his first wife left him for the OM. OW spent the whole time talking about me to my Ex IL’s (who still care about me, by the way) about how much I hate her but I still want her money. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Everyone just sat there with their mouths open, absolutely astonished, but unfortunately did not defend me. I was told that she acts as if she is the children’s real mother, as if I am dead or never existed at all. She is very authoritative with the children, and makes them call her ‘Step-mom’.

I have been in strict NC with WXH for more than a year now, although I have sent him letters regarding the children and visitation. A few weeks ago, I received a letter that was co-signed by both WXH and OW – about my children! I was amazed. She signed a letter to me about my children as if she actually had some kind of legal right over them.

I wrote to my solicitor, telling her that any further correspondence I received from my former husband’s girlfriend regarding our children would be returned to WXH and OW without further consideration. My solicitor passed this on to WXH.

This morning, I received another letter, once again jointly signed by WXH and OW. So I sent it straight back by return of post, with just a short note saying I would not deal with the OW regarding my children, only with their father.

Sometimes she still really gets to me – like today! But most of the time I think, well – she’s a horrible person and at least she’s showing her true colours now. As far as I can tell, the whole of WXH’s family hate her, but they are just too scared of upsetting WXH to say anything.

I wish that any one of them had said something right at the beginning of the A – I was the only person who made a fuss so of course the OW thinks she's well in the family because no-one ever said how disgusted they are with her and WXH. It’s like my Ex-SIL said on the phone the other day: we all stayed silent about the affair and now we have to live with the OW.

At least I don’t have to. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Hi Alphin,

No, it is not you being paranoid it is her insecurities showing their ugly selves. I love you sending the correspondance back. Until your idiot xWH actually marries the homewrecker, I certainly would not give her any credence and her having the kids call her step-mom? Good grief, she really IS insecure about where she stands with your X. Sheesh, maybe you should just pity her.

Hi Faithful!


I was very restrained. I actually wanted to shred the darn thing and send it back that way, but I didn't. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Another thing I forget to mention. When we were married, we used to often spend Christmas with MIL & FIL, BIL and his family at MIL's guesthouse. It's WXH's turn to have the kids for Christmas this year, so they are going down there. But get this. OW (a woman of nearly 30) has never spent Christmas away from her family, so she wants MIL to put her parents (from Spain) up in the guesthouse instead of BIL and his family (including DD's little cousin).

Have you ever heard anything so selfish?

IL's have never even met these people before (and OW's parents don't speak English), and IL's so love having their 3 grandchildren together at Christmas. OW is willing to wreck it all for everyone - just so she can have Christmas the way she likes it.

Ah well. Again, at least I won't be there. But it will be a freaky Christmas for the kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

One more thing...

As someone who is so determined to spend each and every Christmas with her mother, I wonder if it has occurred to the OW that, thanks to her, this is the first Christmas that my children are forced to spend without theirs?

Probably not <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

nah, she is too self centered to think of that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Alph

Its a DESPERATION to attain legitimacy for their relationship. I see it a lot.

They are DESPERATE for the world to forget their affair and just accept them as a legitimate "couple".

You are a permanent reminder that whatever happens to them it will just be an affair built on lies and deliberately broken hearts.

Do all you can to remind them of the illegitamcy of their relationship. Sending the co-signed letters back is a wonderful idea.

Its your job to make your your girls see ONE righteous parent.

All blessings mate

Let me be unrestrained for you.

Yes, virginia... OW is a vicious h*ll b*tch dog in heat usurper who thinks her panties around ankles policy entitles her to your children just as much as to your H...and not because she loves them...but because she wants to make YOU irrelevent.

It is ALL about control and in todays society...since you can't KILL the offspring of the previous spouse you must at least make them call you Mommy.

Any questions? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

By the way...Bob has it nailed dead on.

I've done that, but I used it to wipe my armpit, first. I know, not classy, but I was OK with it <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

Sorry you're still having to deal with the skank. She's an OW who took and kept another womans H. What she's doing to you NOW is small potatoes, comparitively. Skanky is as skanky does. Hang in there - Dru

LOL at Dru <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Do you think its very nice to insult a dog with that damning comparison? The dog is supposed to act like that, the OW is not! Quit insulting dogs, you meanie! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

tsk, tsk, tsk, I fear we are going to have to send you back to PC camp for some training. I am reporting you to the American Kennel Association for HATE SPEECH against dogs! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Hey, Alphin!

I’d ask how things are going, but no need to, huh…well, I will anyway.

Are you still going to move (Exeter was it?) Maybe it’s time. Get away from the old haunts. Make OW and X work a little harder by having to bug you from a distance. It would attenuate a lot of this torture.

And you would be living closer to your family, as I remember. That would be good, IMO.

Has X anted up what he owed you yet?

How is potential BF coming along?

And how is your health?

OK, I’m done bugging you, but it was with the best of intentions, lol.

I think the other posts are correct, BTW. She is doing it intentionally. You are her greatest enemy. She is very insecure about X, isn’t she?

It can’t last. Promises me you will be far, far away when it detonates, OK?

With prayers,

ed: Do you talk openly with your girls about this kind of stuff? I think you should. They deserve to know. No stoic martyr stuff for their sake. They will benefit in the long run from knowing the age appropriate truth about all of this OW crap.

I totally agree!

Are your In-laws going to entertain her parents at Xmas? My WH tried to pull that one on his parents and MIL told him they would not allow her to stay under their roof while he was still married to me. He got no support whatsoever from his parents, I'm glad to say.

Alphin

Sorry to hear about this, but I think it's something you're going to suffer for a while to come. The upside is that it tells you that the OW is insecure and is continually pushing her anxieties outwards onto the only available target - you. After all, no-one on the planet has opposed the relationship except you!

Both your xWH and Omelette come across as being people with significant levels of spoiled entitlement. The trouble with that is that such a partnership depends on them both wanting the same thing at the same time...and that ain't gonna happen, is it? And when one of them becomes subliminally aware that they're not getting what they want, they feel angry, and because being angry with the other would blow the illusion, they have to get angry with someone or something else. Count the likely targets. Duck.

Your IL family's attitude is all too familiar to me; my own IL family met the last of our OWs and essentially pretended not to notice. My H learned that he could do what he liked and no-one would say a word. Your ILF's distaste for the Omelette's actions is also likely to result in resignation - don't depend on them to suddenly turn on her, because the chances are they will keep smiling and tolerating because that's what they've always done. The important thing, it seems to me, is to firmly emphasise to the girls that their grandparents' attitude is not entirely honourable, without spoiling the relationship.

Keep your chin up. This is going to be much worse for them than it is for you. It will be the union from h*ll, whatever front they put on to the world.

{{{Alphin}}}

TA

So your CA'ing IL's will either have to put their feet down and say no, you can't oust our family to put your parents in the guest house, which will cause all kinds of trouble between X and OW, or they will let the POWs stay in their cottage while steaming and stewing about the injustice of it, which will cause trouble between X and his family, which will cause trouble between X and OW.

Win win, except your poor girls.

{{{{{Alphin}}}}}

TA, I think it is already the union from h*ll - everyone can see it except unfortunately WXH and OW. Ex-SIL said the other day that they have nothing in common, and that their relationship seems to be based on WXH letting OW run his life whilst she in return flatters his ego and compliments how clever he is all the time. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

EX-SIL said that no-one thinks the relationship will last, but I still think that it might, simply because neither of the affairees are the types who can admit mistakes.

And you are also right about the raging entitlement - it's still raging! He was always a very entitled person, and I was the only one who never let him get away with it (when we were married). EX-SIL said I was really, really missed at family gatherings now, because I was the only one who knew what WXH was like, and wouldn't take it from him!

Neak, I really wonder what X-MIL is going to do about the POWs. I really wish she had the guts to say 'If Alphin's girls can do without their mother this Christmas because you destroyed their family, then I'm sure you can manage it', but I doubt that will happen. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />

I would love to be a fly on the wall if the POWs did spend Christmas with the EX-ILs. Ex-IL's are lefty-liberals; OW's father is a retired Captain from Franco's army. A truly heavenly Christmas gathering, I think!

But again, I feel very sorry for the children. Whatever happens, it is going to be a bizarre Christmas for them.

Me, I'm off to Berlin with someone who loves me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smirk.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

Jerry Springer Goes to Britain

Aphelion,

It was Norfolk I was thinking of moving to, and am still thinking about it. The main problems are a) the girls have both got important exams at school this year and I am loath to move them mid-year and b) the original reason for Norfolk was to be nearer BIL & SIL and I'm not sure that such a good idea any more.

Wherever I eventually decide to move to, I will have to get onto some kind of social housing program, as I can't work and therefore can't afford my own place. I can't even afford rent. I have asked my parents if we could perhaps move in with them for a while, so we can at least set up residency in another area and get our names down on some social housing lists.

On the plus side, WXH is finally paying CS, after months of squeezing! I bet OW is mad as h*ll. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Potential BF is actual BF, but wants much more from the R than I do. I really wish I hadn't been so hasty. He wants to marry/move in together, but domestically we have nothing in common, and I don't think living together would work out. Of course, he thinks it would be bliss - the man is fog-bound and I don't know what to do about him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Health is ooookaaay at the moment, but only because I've been on massive doses of steroids. I had a bone scan the other week as the docs were afraid my bones were dissolving because I've been taking steroids so much. I have an appointment with my specialist next Tuesday and I expect them to put me on immunosuppressants instead. Hopefully these will do it for me, though the potential side-effects are even scarier than the steroids.

Ho hum.

Alph.

Oh, and WXH is drinking more heavily than ever, if his performance at X-FIL's birthday is anything to go by.

And I now know that Omelette is a very heavy drinker too.

I thought for a while that WXH had curtailed his drinking under her influence, and for the sake of his contact with the children. Now it seems it was only temporary, and the Omelette is just as bad as he is.

So I no longer feel any guilt whatsoever about removing my children from the influence of these people.

Alph.

"So I no longer feel any guilt whatsoever about removing my children from the influence of these people."

You never should have felt any such guilt in the first place, IMO.

IMO it is dangerous for them to be around the stb stepmother who is evil even when not drinking. Keep a paper trail of all incidents, however small.

Norfolk, right. Your previous discriptions convinceed me to see it next time I am over there.

Please take very good care of yourself.

With prayers,

PS: I think you are right to take it slow with BF. Minimum two years personal recovery, you know.

Maybe not, but despite the way that he's behaved, the girls still love their dad and like to be with him.

They are in great schools, and who's to say that moving schools, not to mention counties, isn't going to have a harsh impact on them, particularly DD13?


I would be moving them away from everything they have ever known.

It is going to be very tough on them. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

I would be moving them away from everything they have ever known.

The good stuff, but also their drunk, dysfunctionally entitled father and his slut trying to leverage the girls to legitimise their evil cradling.

Dear Alphin,

I hope you have (had) a good time in Berlin.
You need some serious battery-recharging I think !

It might help you to keep in mind that whatever happens..
Whatever evil tartzilla concocts out of fear of you and the impact you have on X and DD's..
It will always be temporary.

Here's a 5-year forecast for X and OW:
In 5 years' time, your DD's will both no longer be children.
They'll have a mind of their own, and know pretty much about what OW is about.
It seems tartzilla is rather controlling and that's a bad mix with a teenagers' hormones <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />.
In 5 years' time, your X will cheat on her because of all the same reasons he cheated on you, since he hasn't changed himself.
In 5 year's time, you'll still be a puppy (hey, I'm 45 right now so don't start!).

I do hope your body will have been healed by then.

I think it's always a good idea to voice to your children what you think is the right way to do things.
They're smart - they'll correct you if you don't do it yourself, and they will certainly know if other people aren't living up to this standard.

My mum was scared of my dad's reaction if she didn't agree with him, so she simply complied all the time.
That way I never got any "standards" except that I needed to be a "good girl" and "not upset others".
That made me a big time conflict avoider, unable to voice my inner self or my needs..
Not so healthy.

If someone had told me about how to
- treating others with respect (POJA for example, as far as possible with children)
- not letting others hurt you if you can help it (setting boundaries and self respect)
- no DJ's, no LB's..
- radical honesty..
- acting responsibly (meaning no drinking/getting drunk)
- not promising things one can't fulfill (like OW did with the shoes, taking them to this store and letting them choose = a promise to a child)..
...
I would have stayed FAR AWAY from X1 (alcohol problems) and X2 (repeated cheater) !!

I think that's pretty good stuff for any personal relationship and that it's a good standard for kids, too.
It will give your DD's something to "measure" OW's behavior with.

(((((Alphin))))))

It might, it might not.
But she'll survive and make the best of it, as we all need to do in life.

But think about this also.
If you stick around and let this whole situation drag you down for as long as it will go on..
What example are you setting to your DD's, who will one day choose a partner modelling after mom and dad ?

They might be upset about moving..
Sulk..
"Hate" you..
Think dad is so much "easier" (read: push over)..
But they will come around and they will learn that a person should not just sit and swallow everything (CA).
That is a present you are giving them for the rest of their lives.
And you'll feel better - you'll heal better.

I suggest renting "Freaky Friday" (with Jamie Lee Curtis) for info on the subject <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.
(dealing with sulking teenager stuff, that is)

Hang in there Alphin. It is already getting better.

I think you should move. It feels scarier to you than it would be for the girls. But I understand your reluctance to uproot them. I had the same feelings re DS when I was planning to move away from here during the separation and Plan B after D-Day 2.

But there are good schools, I suspect, there too. And family. And new frineds.

A new adventure.

With prayers,

We moved three times when I was a child. One time was to a foreign country.

We moved the final time when I was 10 and my sister the same age as DD13.

My family now all agree with what my sister has been saying for years - that this had a detrimental affect on her emotional and academically. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

And this was with the support of a complete parental unit around her. She didn't come from a broken home. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Since WXH left, the only solid foundation for DD13 has been me and DD6, and her friends at school. I do feel that moving may be one trauma too far for DD13.

I know - kids adjust. I know - I have to think about myself and not just the kids. I know that WXH and OW are drunken bums and it's probably best to limit their access to the kids.

I also know that moving is not the easy option, and it could really blow up in my face.

My sister is a recovering alcoholic, with a history of pain and resentment that she is only now (thanks to her 'steps' program) coming to terms with.

I dread pushing DD13 any further in that direction - WXH has already fractured her future enough as it is.

Alph.

Your D is 13. Respect the fact that she is older and is entitled to receive and give support. Have you asked her opinion? She may want to move if it means it w/b better for you and the family.

Ask for her support and see what she says. My family moved a lot. Yes, it could have hurt me emotionally or it could have made me stronger. I vote for the later and it works. I never wanted to move but learned to adapt. She can also.

JMHO,
L.

Alphin,

I live half a world away. I have never met you and I never will – I know almost nothing about you, your needs, your loves or your hopes. But I know you wrote this:

“Stupid how I am afraid to let go of this dark and self-destructive bitterness inside me. It's like I feel I'm afraid that if I do a) the affair will last forever and they'll be happy for the rest of their lives and b) they'll never accept that they've done anything wrong and all my hurt and betrayal - the absolute h*llish nightmare I went through - will be as if it never was.”

I think “as it never was” is exactly what you need. And it does not matter how you get there. You need to get to where it is as if it never was.

Then you will be ready to be happy again.

I felt the same way as you for a long, long time. I did. Not until I decided to have a great life anyway, and started acting on it, did I start moving away from this utter bleakness. It took me a while, but I no longer care that they got away with it in the end.

Bitterness can become an addictive drug. Use it for too long and it becomes all we have left to feel. (Imagine what the eternal he11 must be like, huh.)

Do whatever you need to do to stop using the drug of bitterness.

So, IMO moving could be part of the cure for you. I know, the geographic cure rarely works for alcoholics. But Harley claims it works for NC. And you need some NC with your bitter feelings for WxH and omelette. You need a new start.

Leave the adulterers behind. Take your children and leave the adulterers behind.

With prayers,

Thanks Aphelion. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I had one of my regular Crohn's hospital appointments yesterday. Though it was not so 'regular' as I was getting the results of a bone density scan and discussing beginning a different course of treatment as the regular drugs I take don't seem to be doing it for me any more.

The bone density result showed 'significant' deterioration in the density of my spine bones, due to the high levels of steroids I have been taking since WXH left. I am only 37, but my bones are beginning to crumble.

I was shocked by this. I knew that steroids might have this affect, but I didn't think it would happen to me. Strong bones run in my family. My paternal grandmother, bless her, who died at the age of 99, used to wander about her nursing home in her final, confused years, regularly falling down stairs but never breaking a bone.

My mother has great bones, too, with no sign of thinning - she is in her mid-sixties.

The doctor said I should be taking calcium suppliments now to help replace the lost mass. I have been taking them since I first went on steroids - about a year ago - and this has still happened.

I have to go back in two months to discuss the new treatment with immunosuppressants. Apparently they can reduce your life expectancy by up to 20 years. He was reluctant to start me on them immediately, but if I have another flare up between now and then there will be no choice.

I know I need to break the cycle of bitterness, but when I get news like I got yesterday, it all wells up inside me again. WXH and OW didn't cause my illness, but WXH left me knowing full well that I had the illness and how bad it could become, and lo, because of the pain and stress he caused, it became much, much worse.

I feel that they have destroyed my life and health. I hate them for it. It's something I can never get back - the damage to my insides is done, and irreversable - I am scarred and twisted. The damage to my bones is done - even if I continue to take calcium suppliments (or some other treatment) they will never be built up to what they were.

I'm sorry. All I seem to do is moan and complain about my lot. I know that many have it worse than I do. But my situation was so preventable. If only I hadn't been married to such a selfish, selfish man. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Alph.

{{{{alph}}}}

Alphin, my WH was EXACTLY like yours - so full of entitlement and so unwilling to apologise for his terrible behaviour. It is only his illness that has made him humble. I'm so sorry about your health problems - it makes things so much tougher for you. (((Alphin))). x

Dear Alphin,

Sending you an {{{MB Hugz}}} from the middle of the big blue. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

As for the OW and WS....well..... they are stupid. You realize that you have support, love and care they will never have and no one can take that away from you.

The world may not make things look good for you but you have what will last a lifetime in the joy that comes from you as a persona radianting the inner beauty that only belongs to those who truly love what is right.

The OW and WS live in a fantasy world that will not last. It was never real and will never be real.

Btw, the OW stinks like poop. LOL!!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

L.

Thanks for the hugs, b0b, TT and Orchid. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

TT, I wonder if anything on this plane could possibly make my ex humble. Perhaps only losing his kids, though I hasten to add that my moving has nothing to do with wanting to 'punish' him.

Orchid, I've never gotten close enough to inhale the essence of the OW, but she certainly looks and acts like poop! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Feeling more positive now - I'm not beaten yet!

Alph.

Alphin

One day - and this happens with pretty much every WS that I have seen - WS looks in the mirror and the full horror of what they have become is revealed briefly, just before they recompose their veneer of justification.

THAT must be very very humbling indeed.

(((Alphin)))

Oh I know how you feel. I got my cancer diagnoses 6 weeks after WH left. Then, after a good post-surgical diagnosis (hadn't spread to the nodes) I was told I'd need 6 months of weekly chemo. I know that my treatments will end, and yours is chronic-but getting slammed with more to carry is so hard.

I understand that feeling of knowing the WH (and with you-psycho OW) brought on the destruction of your health.
It has been hard for me not to wonder why I got cancer when WH walked away from us. Also, sometimes I wonder why he didn't get it.

You AREN'T moaning or complaining. You feel like a huge dumptruck of mud was dumped on you, and just as you climbed out from that muck, another one dumped on you again.

As my FIL so eloquently put it when he heard my news (not from his son mind you, but from me) "S*#T"

That sums it up <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Here's a verse that carries me sometimes-
Ps.31:15 "My times are in Your hands"

I will be praying for you

johnstwin,

You were one of those I was thinking of when I said that many have it worse than me... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Thank you for your kind and sympathetic words.

I was also thinking of a friend of my mother's whose husband left her when she was pregnant with their second child.

He was self employed, and for a while managed to wrangle it so that she had absolutely nothing. He blamed her for the break up, though it was obvious to everyone that the marriage ended because he had an affair and moved in with another woman. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> She lost her home; she and the kids had to move in with her parents, all the time he was trying to take the kids off her saying that she shouldn't have them if she couldn't support them! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Eventually, though, she got enough money out of him to buy herself a new house! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> And now she is remarried to a wonderful man.

It took her a long time to get where she is, though - her ex wasn't going to give her a cent. She had to fight for everything.

I think those who leave when their spouses are most in need of love and protection - pregnant, seriously ill - and then show no remorse or regret (in fact, blame that needy spouse) are beyond redemption.

Alph.