Help my FWW, please...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...e=0#Post3121591

Bump

Thanks for the bump, Marshmallow <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

My FWW has posted here before, but she was disappointed when she didn't get any answers to some of her questions. When she told me over MSN Messenger about this latest post of hers (I was at the office and she was at home at the time), I had a look at it a few minutees later and noticed a few replies, so I messaged her back to let her know. I expected her to be happy about this. I didn't expect the angry outburst I received in return <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />. Yet another example of her assumptions about what I'm thinking or doing leading to angry outbursts.

BTW - We read through the "Disrespectful Judgments" section of LoveBusters last night. She kept nodding her head and pointing out where the description seemed to match what I was doing. I guess I have been resorting to using DJs, if that's what she thinks they are. But most of her issues with anger seem to stem from assumptions about what I'm thinking or doing, rather than what I'm actually thinking or doing. I'm having a really hard time trying to deal with that. It sometimes feels like the only solution is to withdraw and not say anything to her at all.

MIM,

Hang in there dude. It's tough. Patience grasshopper! When you can grab these stones......

LOL It does get better. Have faith and hope.

MiM:

Yes, she has had some response. But I would recommend that you stay off of her thread for awhile. Might make it easy for your to post/explore what she needs to find out.

The only thing to insure responses, is to repost, answer and respond to what happens on your thread. Or start a different thread with a different problem. Some threads last a long time, because the topic is good, or the poster keeps it alive.

I even think that you efforts to add responses to her thread and to let her know that you noticed, may have been a good thing.

Glad to see your Spouse here. Maybe your M can start progressing and move that "Recovery: US: Who knows? to "US: Going strong!"

I do plan to stay off of it, period. The only time I might interject is if I get the impression that she's misrepresenting any interaction between us - though I'd likely discuss that personally with her, rather than bring it up in her thread.



I do hope so <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I think that talking to other people who've gone through similar situations will help. But this is a big, BIG step for her. She usually does not share her feelings with anyone. Doing it anonymously over the internet - that's likely going to be very tough for her, at least at first. Even now, at times when I try to find out how she's feeling about something, she subtly tries to change the focus of the conversation to how _I_ am feeling. Now that I recognize this, I subtly try to change it back when I sense that happening. It does lead to some "interesting" conversations between us <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

You're welcome, MIM.

Yes, assumptive thinking is a HUGE DJ. I thought the gestures you made in encouraging your W to post, starting this thread, and also letting her know that she had replies on hers were all loving acts. The problem w/ assumptive thinking is that loving actions are put through the "I know what he/she is thinking filter" and they get twisted into something bad. My guess is that she felt pressured by what you told her.

Anyway, it will help you to recognize when she does them. For one thing, it will help you not to get into a bigger argument if you can see where your comunication broke down, b/c you will be able to stop it right there and point it out.

Old habbits die hard. But, w/ patience and a willingness to change die they will.

Hang in there.

~ Marsh

Great to see your wife here MIM. I may decide to post on her thread. I picked up a couple of clues.

Larry

MIM: My wife's participation in Email contact with other FWW's, here and on another private board was a HUGE turning point for her and hence our recovery. The value of her engaging here is inestimable IMO. KEEP OFF HER THREAD regardless of what she posts. I would advise you to not even read it.