Marriage Builders
Posted By: Heartsore22 LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/05/06 07:00 AM
This thread has been created for those familiar with Heartsore and Olive's story to send direct correspondence to Olive. WWs and FWWs are especially encouraged to post here to help Olive understand that she isn't alone in her circumstances, that even when all hope seems lost, it doesn't have to be... and that it is possible to refind a great marriage after these circumstances (no matter how impossible it may seem right now)........
Posted By: Heartsore22 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/06/06 05:55 AM
Dear Olive,
Over seven years ago (almost eight now) you and I were wed and began the "they lived happily ever after" part of our fairytale story. We both have learned that the "lived happily ever after" fairytale isn't a sound one to rely on... as marriage requires work. Sometimes hard work. You and I started with a strong love... one rivaled by none of our friends. For years others envied the depths of our love. At your work, you were well known as being the woman most in love with her husband... and you were proud of this. Somewhere along the line, as we started having children, we lost our way and stopped meeting each other's needs. Eventually you started your affair with you know who and now, after 8 months of oscilliation, you say you want a divorce. Olive, I know that you and Mr.BigPants are still active in your Affair... and as such I also know that you will not be motivated to work on our marriage until it ends. I wish that you would take the time to read and post on this website, because there are so many women, just like you, that have made similar choices and are now living and recovering from similar consequences. Almost every one of them has also declared their Affair partner as their "soulmate", but in every case the "fairytale" eventually ends. Those that have experience with our types of circumstances can see the writing so clearly on the wall. It is clear to most that Mr.BigPants is controlling you right now... and you are glad to follow his lead - ironically, the very same reason you say you can't stay with me now... (you give up control of your own destiny).

Olive,
We can find a better place. One that is fulfilling and intimate. It won't happen while you are engaged in an affair. It won't happen while you continue to lie and deceive everyone around you (especially yourself). It will only happen with an understanding that IT IS POSSIBLE and A COMMITMENT to TRY... REALLY TRY USING AN EXPERT DEVELOPED recovery plan (Dr. Harley)...

Our children deserve so much better than what they are about to be dealt... I cannot imagine how they will react when they learn that the five of us will not be a family anymore... and what will they think when they are old enough to understand and ask, what really happened to our marriage... I'd say if we can't be proud of our actions, then we need to stop doing them. If we aren't comfortable telling our children what we've done then we probably aren't setting the example that we should. A lot of water has crossed under the bridge of our marriage and certainly plenty of damage has been done. But with professional help, and I don't mean, local amateurs... but PROVEN PROFESSIONALS THAT SPECIALIZE in marriage recovery plans... may be able to help us find our way.

In the meantime, I will continue to pray. I will pray that you will open your eyes and see the world around you. To see the light in our three beautiful children's eyes and consider what Mr.BigPants is asking you to really do... and what pain his request is going to cause these three beautiful children... gosh Olive, don't they deserve better than what you and I got as children? I think so and for that reason I am committed to find out if we can find a better place...

My request to you is that we meet with the Harleys and see if a recovery plan is possible/feasible for our situation. If there is a possibility... and if you are willing to put the needs of your family ahead of your obsession with Mr.BigPants we may have a chance. But at the least I'd like us to learn more.

Heartsore
Posted By: Resilient Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/06/06 03:39 PM
Bumping up.

Any chance we can get some FWS to post to Olive. Tell her what she's headed for with Mr.Ego-Driven BP. How this will affect her children, if she even cares anymore.

Jo
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/06/06 07:22 PM
I will GLADLY post to Olive if she will just give me some clue that she will actually read it...In fact, I would be more than happy to speak with her VERBALLY and listen, answer any questions and share ALL...I will lay bare all that I have to offer, but I would like to know for sure that she is reading...I don't dig "ghost posting"...

Olive, you are MORE than WELCOME to email me...My email addy is in my signature...I hope you will reach out...I KNOW firsthand what you are feeling right now and how confusing all of it is...

Sincerely,

Mrs. Wondering
and we can even talk over the phone if you prefer. My story is WAY more complicated than yours is at this point, I have a child with the other man (yes, you read it correctly!) and like you I was on the brink of destroying my family for what I thought was my "soulmate". But here we are today after only a few months of having been on this site and I can honestly tell you my marriage TODAY is better than it ever was and I KNOW it is going to be even better with time. Just last night my husband (who I hurt so deeply in this horrible mess) put his wedding ring back on as a sign of his committment to our marriage. So trust me, it CAN and DOES happen. PEople can become better after this ordeal and Marriages CAN BE SAVED!!

Please at least talk to one of us before you make a final decision. Trust me, you will never regret it. Your children will thank you one day.

My best to you if you are reading this.
Becca
my email: ctvjcv@yahoo.com
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> McBecca, I'm SO GLAD that you are HERE!!! You are rockin' girl! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W
This gave me HOPE....
I hang on to every good word my husband says to me.....
Thank you for being here.

Quote
and we can even talk over the phone if you prefer. My story is WAY more complicated than yours is at this point, I have a child with the other man (yes, you read it correctly!) and like you I was on the brink of destroying my family for what I thought was my "soulmate". But here we are today after only a few months of having been on this site and I can honestly tell you my marriage TODAY is better than it ever was and I KNOW it is going to be even better with time. Just last night my husband (who I hurt so deeply in this horrible mess) put his wedding ring back on as a sign of his committment to our marriage. So trust me, it CAN and DOES happen. PEople can become better after this ordeal and Marriages CAN BE SAVED!!

Please at least talk to one of us before you make a final decision. Trust me, you will never regret it. Your children will thank you one day.

My best to you if you are reading this.
Becca
my email: ctvjcv@yahoo.com
Mrs. Heartsore,

Think back to a year ago....

Do you remember how you looked forward to the arrival of your new baby? Do you remember the future you pictured for them? Did you imagine that you would be filing for a D a year ago? Did you imagine you'd have had an A?

Having a new baby, having an A, getting a job promotion, ending and restarting R over and over again, are all highly emotionally charged events/choices to have made in a VERY short time span.

Your feelings have gone back and forth many times in the last year. How do you know how you will feel tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?

Oh, you say, "I know what is in my heart towards Jay."

Is there something wrong w/ Jay?

Or did you harden your heart against him?

How does that hard heart feel to you?

Does it feel cold?

Do you feel that same coldness towards your children?

Do you think by "getting rid" of Jay, you'll be able to feel warmer towards your children? Better about yourself?

It is my belief that if you break up your family and leave Jay, a big part of your heart will always remain hardened.

Every time you see your children suffer, it will remind you of what you choose to do to them. You will NOT be able to comfort them. You WILL resent them. You will harden your heart against them a little bit every day.

If you stay, and try to recover your marriage for THEIR sakes...the process will soften your heart again. You will seek and find true forgiveness from Jay and from yourself.

And if after trying, you find that your marriage can't be saved, then at least you will have tried. You may be able to save your heart and soul IF you try.

The A was NEVER about Jay. Jay will be OK w/ or w/o you. He has a clear conscience that will enable him to comfort the children. He will be able to move on w/ his life and find a woman who understands what real love is. His heart will remain soft...he'll be able to embrace another.

Will you be able to?

Will you be happy a year from now?

Will your children be happy next year? The year after?

~ Marsh
Quote
Mrs. Heartsore,

Think back to a year ago....

Do you remember how you looked forward to the arrival of your new baby? Do you remember the future you pictured for them? Did you imagine that you would be filing for a D a year ago? Did you imagine you'd have had an A?

Having a new baby, having an A, getting a job promotion, ending and restarting R over and over again, are all highly emotionally charged events/choices to have made in a VERY short time span.

Your feelings have gone back and forth many times in the last year. How do you know how you will feel tomorrow? Next week? Next month? Next year?

Oh, you say, "I know what is in my heart towards Jay."

Is there something wrong w/ Jay?

Or did you harden your heart against him?

How does that hard heart feel to you?

Does it feel cold?

Do you feel that same coldness towards your children?

Do you think by "getting rid" of Jay, you'll be able to feel warmer towards your children? Better about yourself?

It is my belief that if you break up your family and leave Jay, a big part of your heart will always remain hardened.

Every time you see your children suffer, it will remind you of what you choose to do to them. You will NOT be able to comfort them. You WILL resent them. You will harden your heart against them a little bit every day.

If you stay, and try to recover your marriage for THEIR sakes...the process will soften your heart again. You will seek and find true forgiveness from Jay and from yourself.

And if after trying, you find that your marriage can't be saved, then at least you will have tried. You may be able to save your heart and soul IF you try.

The A was NEVER about Jay. Jay will be OK w/ or w/o you. He has a clear conscience that will enable him to comfort the children. He will be able to move on w/ his life and find a woman who understands what real love is. His heart will remain soft...he'll be able to embrace another.

Will you be able to?

Will you be happy a year from now?

Will your children be happy next year? The year after?

~ Marsh

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/ooo.gif" alt="" />
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

Well here is my $0.02

I am in jamaica and a BS,now my wife,my love, has strayed after 10 years, IN a nano second all that i held dear was vaporized and replaced with desolation. The one who i trusted even MORE than myself...betrayed me.

The mother of my child, the one i gave my virginity to, the other half of my soul.

The reason given? I wasnt meeting her needs so she went to someone who could. I was painted as evil, didnt care, and even said that i "abused" her.

I had to get counselling, from the shock and awe of this "marriage history" devastated was an understatment.

eventually i clawed myway back with friends here, who i descovered by accident. In my desperation i typed "marriage help" on the net and found here.

This is not a "gossip station" This is a place where we spoused come,seeking in desperation......hope, something to keep our world together.

We found it..conpassion, understanding of ourselves and more important how to change. To find the strength of compassion,understanding and the will to make CHARACTER changes.

Then we build these "muscles" to become better spouses,parents and individuals. Permanently.

We seek to understand what part we played in not meeting our spouse ENs and strive to do so. We fight with LOVE, COMPASSION and determination to protect our loved ones. (A mother bear has NOTHING on a BS who knows that their family is at risk).

How can one justify an affair? no.....adultry, affair is such a nice word that rips family apart and murders another spouse innocence in the institution of marriage.

Can you justify it? in any form? Its no less brutal than daily putting a gun to a child / granchild's head and pull that trigger.See their eye gloss over and grey out, see their chirpiness fade and insecurity becimes their best friend. everyday when they cant say but they KNOW that mommy / daddy is tearing their world apart....everyday.

is there any indignation?

is 15 / 20 mins of sex or wordings of "i am so in love with you" justification to hurt another living human being? the one betrayed?

WE seek to change, out of LOVE no more no less. love of God was given, some respond some dont. some justify, some cry. God sent his son..is that manipulation? He acted out of love then said...It is there, if you come to me i will forgive ...and love you".

This is not hard for a BS to understand....we do this daily in hope and understanding. Yet it is called suspect.

PLease understand Olive/Daddy. Jay will have faults.(show me who doesnt)but are you WILLING to give up on a man who is still faithful NOW? and showing CHRISTLIKE tendencies,who from the sound of it want to protect your children/grandchildren, in one fell swoop? for what again?

Ah yes. YOUR NEEDS , not the children. not faithfulness, but your needs. I am so sorry if you go through with this.

In war the civilians are always the first casualties, in this case, its the children.

Its not too late......

Do what God would want you to do.....

Look your children in their face and try telling them why you have to go and destroy their world. Tell them that despite daddy's changes you wont forgive him amd you want what you feel NOW.

At least tell them before you go. Oh yes Tell them why you had to go to hotel rooms and secret places to make it exciting, not in the light of day of pure love. then say to them "You will survive".....

See them crying and tell them "Man up".or "go after your feelings.damned the consequences"

then run to your "true loves" arm(s).

Then tell God to bless your union.

then again....you do not like to be "told" what to do.

make sure that you can live with yourself.

last thing.....Do you honestly think a man is going to take you up if you did this to someone else? What will you do him 10 years from now? when your kids are grown?

please for what its worth,stop and think.

I love you Olive....so does your H.

Give it time.

I will pray for you.

I hope you read this. You too Pops.

Greetings from Jamaica.
Posted By: Heartsore22 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/08/06 09:52 PM
Dear Olive,

I wish there was a magic word that I could say that would help you to brake this curse that has come over you and drawn you to lead your family potentially over a cliff, Leema style. The damage to the children that is about to be unvailed will be lifelong and will effect not just them, but likely generations of Heartsores to follow.

I asked you two weeks ago whether you would stay married just for the kids and you said no. I then asked you if you would make a sincere effort to refind our love and restore a great marriage together for the kids. You didn't answer this question and still haven't.

Would you Olive? For the children, would you be willing to try? Or are the children not important enough for you to try? Or is your adulterous relationship with Stumpy just too strong right now to consider the possibility?

You told me less than a week ago that you are just "following your heart". Whether you realized it at the time or not, you were telling me that you and Mr.BigPants are back on again... which is why you felt you were "following your heart" to be with him. When we follow our heart it is usually towards someone... and in your case we all know whom that someone is. So this is what it has come down to for us? You won't work on our marriage because you're addicted to Stumpy BigPants? You're willing to take the children down a crash course because you are addicted to Stumpy BigPants? You're willing to toss aside your morals, values, ideals, and self-respect because you are addicted to Stumpy BigPants?

And you'll be choosing a man that has already proven that he will only remain faithful to himself and his own whims and fancies... he targeted you early on Olive... and he got you! He manipulated you into spending time with him and then he manipulated your thoughts and feelings so that you would turn against your marriage and into his single arm (and stump). Even when you tried to end things, he made life difficult for you and it became clear that if you were going to succeed at work you would have to work with him... he used this to keep you engaged in the affair.

For us to have a chance, we will need to put an end to the fantasies that have been guiding us. Your fantasy about Mr.BigPants being perfect for you is just that...a fantasy ... his own wife of 26 years is tossing him to the curb and his daughters won't speak to him... so the three most important relationships that he's ever had with women in his life..... all to garbage. That should be a big warning sign Olive! Don't ignore it!

Your fantasy about a perfect divorce is just that, a fantasy. Because of what you have done to me, we will never be friends outside of marriage. Only through our marriage recovery will I be able to accept you and truly forgive your betrayal and bad choices.

Even god says he will forgive all, but only once one repents... If you proceed with a divorce, I won't be able to stop you, but I will have to fight for the family, its integrity, and the children's needs.

Your fantasy about me not being right for you needs to be put to the side as well. Dr.Harley holds the key to rekindling love in marriages and he can help us get there again... even though you think it isn't possible........ perhaps he understands marriages and love much better than we do? He's saved many marriages that were far more difficult than our situation... and it all begins with dropping Stumpy BigPants and then committing to exploring the possibility of marriage recovery with the Harleys. I've told you most of this in person, but wanted to write you here as well.

Your Husband, patiently waiting with two open arms,

Heartsore
Posted By: mrskahuna Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/08/06 11:20 PM
Dear Mrs Heartsore
I am a FWW but did not proceed to divorce. My H and I were able to recover our marriage. We had been married for 23 yrs when I had my A and we have 3 teenage sons.

Here are some extracts from a letter I sent to a WW of a friend which might help you. I and others here know how you feel now but please trust us, this thing you are in right now is a DECEPTION...

What I COULD NOT SEE at the time (which I couldn't because I had rose-coloured glasses on) was how SELFISH I was being...my WHOLE motivation for what I did was so I could feel BETTER about MYSELF. ALL the PAIN & SUFFERING that I was to put bigk and the boys through, (also OM & his family) was because of ME and my poor self-image/esteem. I felt entitled to this 'happiness' after giving of MYSELF to bigk & the kids for nearly 20 yrs. Twenty years of putting everyone else first, cleaning up after kids, putting bigk and what he wants first, doing all the 'good wife & mum' stuff. Now its MY turn for some happiness, I DESERVE IT.

I Had everything worked out in my mind, knew how everyone would react to the news and how OM and I would live happily ever after...all in my rose-coloured world. It looked ok, I thought. My 'self-pity-party' was going to end.

and....

WW, my point in writing all of this to you is to try and make you see that this 'new life' you are wanting is just a dream...more like a nightmare really that you and your family is living as well. Even if the 'new life' you want happens, it will not last as its foundations are lies and deception. Then where will you and the children be??? Yes it hurt my pride to go home. I was wrong, had made a monumental mistake with a huge ripple effect and was not sure what the future held for bigk & I. Would he change?? Would we get help for both of us to save our marriage so our family could have a better life in the future??

ITS NOT TOO LATE for you & WW'sH to save your marriage, regardless of what either of you have done. Yes you both will need to swallow some pride and make some big changes. You will have good days and not so good days but wouldn't it be worth it to have your family back together again?? What values to you want to pass on to your children who are similar ages to ours??? What about commitment, trust, forgiveness.....What will they learn about that stuff from this situation from either of you???

Your family's wholeness IS worth FIGHTING for...and you BOTH will have to fight and fight long and hard, but it would be worth it. Yes, I do feel REALLY strongly about all of this because there are NO WINNERS, just heaps and heaps of pain & suffering that is TOTALLY unnecessary.


Hope this Helps......

Mrs K
Posted By: Iamforgiven Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/09/06 04:10 PM
Mrs. Kahuna:
Thank you for sharing....this is so encouring...that your and your spouse have recovered and you are inspiring others...myself included.
Posted By: Heartsore22 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 01:29 AM
: <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />
Posted By: Heartsore22 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 06:02 AM
Olive,
This isn't the right thing to do. You know that this is not good for the children. You know that this is not good for your career. Why have you allowed this to spiral so out of control? Why are you so unable to see Mr.BigPants for what he is... a user... a predator... a narcissist.
You will be in my prayers tonight especially.... may the lord send the holy spirit to place a hand on you and help you come to realize God's Plan for you....
Heartsore
Posted By: Marshmallow Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 06:16 AM
Dear God,

Thank you for listening to me
the sorrows that bind my heart; the fears that circle endlessly in my mind
the memories that make me yearn for yesterdays long gone.

Thank you for listening to me
my constant pleas for relief; my quest to understand
my insecurities and self-doubt about unknown tomorrows.

Thank you for listening to me
as I struggle to regain life's balance;
as I cautiously take each step as I seek to create a sense of now.

I only ask that you grace me with your patience
to be still and hear your voice; to trust the fleeting beacons of hope;
to know with a deep knowledge that all will be well again.

Thank you for listening to me.

Help me to listen to You.

Amen.
Posted By: Marshmallow Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 06:19 AM
Mrs. Heartsore,

I copied this from an old post on here somewhere. I apologize to the poster who wrote it, b/c I didn't copy their name w/ it.

But, here it is....



my old sunday school teachers back home...a lovely couple in their seventies...taught young marrieds for at least 30 years...had much experience with this...as our old church back home was in an affluent part of town where affairs and money squabbles were the stuff of marital demise. My teachers said this to me when I called them crying on the day I found out judge really signed the papers. S emailed me, "honey. do you know what their life will be like? Lemme tell it to you. It's like what the Children of Israel did...they didn't want to trust God and follow Moses, their real leaders...they wanted instant gratification. They wanted the promised land now. NOW. and since they couldn't get it until a later time, they created idols out of stone and gold and worshipped these things. Darth's affair has become HIS IDOL. He worships it...and he WILL SACRIFICE NOW TO IT...HE WILL SACRIFICE ALL TO IT NOW...and so will the ow. we've seen it time and again. and one day, there will be nothing to burn...nothing to give to the idol. and it is that sad day when he will see what he lost. you worship the true God and you keep your faith. You show your ds who loves him and who is there for him. You won't be alone forever. but your H, darth, will be lonely in this affair marriage. It's days are numbered. we've seen it happen quite a few times sadly. THEY NEVER LAST."

~ Marsh
Posted By: bigkahuna Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 07:14 AM
Well the name Darth gives it away somewhat Marsh. It's JustPeachy.

BITE THE PEACH
LOL
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 07:33 AM
Marsh...The post you quoted is by a Georgia sweetie called JustPeachy...

Olive...

If you are reading, there is so much that I would love to impart to you...Many things that really words will fail to express...I'll try...

I promise you this, if you walk out of this marriage for OM, you will lose so much that is so very dear...NEVER again will you find someone that is willing to walk through fire for you, as Jay is willing to do...Seriously, NEVER...There are so many memories that will not translate into what you believe will be a new start for you...Even little silly memories will be lost to you forever...There will be no one to say "remember when" with...Your history will be GONE...ETERNALLY...Your wedding day, the birth of each of your children, the worry over each child's first illness, the joy over each child's first steps, the private jokes, the knowing looks...ALL of those shared experiences will be DUST IN THE WIND...Those can NEVER be recreated...No one will EVER be able to give you a single glance that you completely understand even without explanation...Make no mistake about it, leaving your marriage will be the single worst decision that you will ever make...A decision made entirely of selfishness that will DESTROY so many...Your children will NEVER, and I mean NEVER recover from this...Don't delude yourself into thinking that they will, they most certainly will NOT...

My heart breaks for you and your family...you have no idea just what you are willingly throwing away...Something so very PRICELESS...It is the saddest of sad stories...

Again, I would be so very glad to talk with you...I will listen with no judgement...I hope that you will email me and allow me the chance to share with you things that I can't even begin to express in writing...

With Many Prayers,

Mrs. Wondering
Posted By: Shaden Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 03:19 PM
Hi Olive,

I am very sorry that you are at this painful point in your life. It is a difficult time for you... my Wife also came to this point and had some difficult decisions to make. I will not judge you, but I do want to understand... because it will help me understand more of what my Wife went through.

I remember many times in my life when I was about to make a tough decision, and in most cases I was given advice (generally from my Father) which I ignored. Don't move away to University, it will be more difficult to apply myself... I moved and dropped out. Don't buy the new car right now... it is too expensive... I bought and have regretted it ever since. Don't get married too young... I got married too young...

My point is that my words or anyone else here relaying there experiences will not change your mind. We think we know what is best for you based upon our own experiences but that is something that you need to find out and figure out on your own.

I could talk about how there is medical proof that an extra-marital relationship is mostly a chemical reaction in your brain which stimulates fantastic feelings... like an addictive drug. But this will not register as truth to you right now.

I could talk about all the positive things I've learned about your Husband... how confident and loving he seems. How intelligent and funny he is. How he is so caring for his children. How strong he is emotionally... and how loyal and compassionate he is to fight for his marriage. I can even talk about how patient he is. But I know that none of this will mean anything to you right now. You will see him as arrogant, controlling, selfish, manipulative... and the list goes on. Is that the man you married?

I could tell you about the devastation to your children that a divorce will cause. But this is not relevant... we have all heard about how kids can be great in these situations as long as both parents show them the love they require. I'm sure you know a bunch of these kids... they must all be in your neck of the woods, because I don't know any. I have only seen pain and loss, and hidden wounds which develop into painful behaviours in the future. But of course, your kids will be just fine... they have a loving father to take care of them. And you will still be in there lives of course with all the love that your lover will shower on them. I'm sure that he will want to be like a father to them. Your kids will understand why you left their Daddy for this new man. They will be better off with two fathers, won't they... and two mother's when your Husband eventually finds someone else.

Everyone is judging you. We don't understand how you could possibly feel. Let me try for my own sake.

You have lived your married life with the wrong man. He has not supported you or loved you exactly how you wanted him to. He has been busy with his career and now, with three kids, your life has been just running and feeding, and cleaning, and working. When do you get time for yourself? When do you get to be number one? When do you get the love and attention that you... that everyone deserves?

You have met someone else and it is different. He understands you. He listens and cares about you. He has all the qualities you admire that your Husband doesn't have. You have tried to follow everyone's expectations and stay with your family, but you cannot stop thinking about him. Am I right so far? He fills your mind, your heart and your soul... what is that famous saying from Tom Cruise...He completes you? No one understands that you have not just run out on your family. You have spent a lot of time agonizing over this. You have cried and prayed. You have looked at all the pros and cons. You have searched for answers. It feels right to be with this new man and you deserve to be happy. That is what life is about, isn't it... to find happiness. That is what God wants for each of us?

I am in the position that your Husband is in, so you might think that I am just belittling you or covering up my judgement. The fact is that because I am in this same situation, I have done my homework. I have read and read and read. I believe I do understand a little of what you are feeling... and you know what... I believe your Husband does as well. That is why he is being so patient and willing to fight for his family even though he has been so hurt by all of this.

Are you hurting?... of course you are. Probably just as much or more than your Husband... but in a different way and for different reasons.

I think I do understand a little of how you are feeling.

But I just have a couple of questions...

You will not remember it clearly, because it has been blurred by time, but didn't you feel a similar way when your Husband and you were deciding to be married? I know that things have changed over the past 8 years... life has got in the way and both of you have changed. But wasn't it a similar feeling... you couldn't stop thinking about him and you couldn't wait to start your life together?

What happens in your new life with your new lover when life starts to get in the way? The days of romance will turn to days of working, bills, juggling schedules for visitation of your children, business trips away... but this time apart from each other. You will always wonder when your new husband is away on trips... will he be with someone else like he was with you? My MIL married a second husband in a similar situation as yours... I saw the mistrust from both of them. She could not leave the house without him phoning to check on where she was... and likewise for him. What happens when this honeymoon is over? Where will your life be? How will you feel then? What will your children think? Will you just live with the consequences of your choices then and continue on amidst the devastation?

I know... this won't happen to you. You can make it work because you love each other. Like I said at the top of this letter, we often choose to go ahead with decisions which are bad for us amidst advice to the contrary, because we believe it will be different and that we need to experience it ourselves.

The problem here... it is not just you that is experiencing it. Your children, your husband, your family, your coworkers, your friends, and you... you are all experiencing it. You will all be affected by it.

It hurts too much to stay? I can promise you that it will hurt far worse if you leave.

Will it be easy if you stay? He!! no! But you can be proud of the person you will become walking up this mountain, getting past every peak and valley with your family as opposed to the person you will be if you take the easy road and leave your family.

You may not feel that you love your Husband enough right now, or that he will never get over this. But there is hope on both counts.

Have faith and patience. Choose well for your future... not just what feels good right now. This is a lifetime to get through and your choices now will forever change your life.

Are you willing to live with your choices?

Good luck.

You have a good man waiting for you. And three kids who need you. They will learn from your choices... teach well.

Shaden
Posted By: nc007 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 03:25 PM
Olive,
Hello. I am writing to as a hurt spouse whose Wife has no idea up to this point of the devastation that she has visited upon our family.

Although i shouldnt try to reason it out ........i do.

The funny thing it all boils down to her. What she wants ,needs and desires.

The funny thing is that these are not bad impulses. How we carry them out though can be the deciding factor.

I never really knew how much i loved my wife till this incident and even now willing to hug her tightly with open arms.

She is precious to me and it has nothing to do with the PA or RA that was done, it has to do with the promise i made before God to protect her and honour her, love and cherish.

Jay may not be the best thing to happen in your life and he may not be your ideal. But stop and think for a moment.

Your children......your husband......your life as you know it.......gone.

For what?.....is it worth it?........can you smile with satisfaction at this accomplishment?

the funny thing is i now hurt MORE for my wife than i do myself. The torment,the agony of indecision, these must be overbearing. She has to own her "stuff" eventually, the actions she chose.

I am hurting for you now...i am no prophet....but a few years from now, either you will be very greatful or very,very lost,in pain,defeated.

Before you go though, please tell your childern the truth, they deserve it. let it come from you and not a third party.

I know that jay loves you enough that he will not say anything to them in this regards.

will be praying for you.....

i have already cried for you both.....it pains me to see something so special,never being given the chance to work.

God be with you.
Posted By: MrsRob Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 03:41 PM
WOW, Mrs W, I cried!

Olive- I have struggled with writing to you, as I would give almost anything to have a husband who is as willing as Jay is to recover your marriage.

It is said that most people "affair down," that is, have affairs with people they never would give the time of day to otherwise. I didn't. Neither are you.

But as I felt the feelings that came with my A- the excitement, the "rush" of our phone calls and emails- checking all the time for a new message, planning and talking- I knew it was wrong.

And if you had talked to me of my marriage, I could have given you 50 reasons why my husband wasn't filling my needs and how OM was so much better and how we were meant to be.

But looking at my daughter, who want' quite a year at the time, I knew that I wasn't doing what was right. I knew I wasn't doing what my Heavenly Father would have me do. I knew I was killing my spiritual self in pursuit of worldly pleasures. But those pleasures were soooo strong! And OM knew just what to say! "Of course your husband doesn't understand you! I am here for you! We would be so good together! It's fine that you have children. I am the one to make you happy."

But it wasn't true. And luckily, my BH found out and went into nuclear mode. Threatened divorce, threatened to tell my first husband so he could get custody of my older children, threatened to go for complete custody of the baby.

Now, I knew that he couldnt' do all that, even if he really wanted to,but it was the wakeup call I needed.

It has not been easy. It's been almost 8 months of NC, struggling with that and crying for what I "lost," 8 months of this rollercoaster of does my husband want to stay married or not, 8 months of not knowing what my life is going to be like.

But it's also been 8 months of being with my children with an intact family. 8 months of repentance and becoming close to God again. 8 months of trying to show my husband that I truly love him and doing whatever I can to make up to him for what I did. 8 months of looking inward to myself to see what it was that made me vulnerable to an A. 8 months of becoming a stronger and better person, so that no matter how this turns out I am a better person.

I know the turmoil you're going through. I know you feel like you can never go back. And you're right. You have killed your old marriage. But you can build a NEW and BETTER marriage! One with mutual love and respect and one where you can stand together as a strong and faithful family.

I hope you do not destroy your family. The damage you will do to your children is unfathomable. I know where you are coming from, I know how hard it is to break free, but I also know how worth it it is and how much personal growth you will gain from the journey.

You know we have all been there- Marshmallow, Mrs W, McBecca, me- and we are all in various stages of recovery and discovery. Please join us, we welcome you with open arms.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 08:00 PM
This thread just takes my breath away...It makes my heart hurt to the core...So many wonderful people trying with so much empathy to help lead you back before it's too late Olive...

I'm not usually a "song poster", but as I read through all of these posts today, a song, by Lonestar, that has continually touched me through our journey and even through my own fog came to mind and I am compelled to post it...Here's hoping that it touches you in the same place that it still does me...

So, for Jay and Olive...

Let's Be Us Again

Tell me what I have to do tonight
Cause I'd do anything to make it right
Let's be us again
I'm sorry for the way I lost my head
I don't why I said the things I said
Let's be us again

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I don't wanna ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reachin' out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again
Us again

Look at me I'm way past pride
Isn't there some way that we can try
To be us again
Even if it takes a while
I'll wait right here until I see that smile
That says we're us again

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I don't wanna ever see the end
Baby please, I'm reachin' out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us
Ohhh

Baby baby, what would I do
Can't imagine life without you

Here I stand with everything to lose
All I know is I don't wanna ever see the end
Baby please I'm reachin' out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Oh here I am I'm reachin' out for you
Won't you open up your heart and let me come back in
Let's be us again
Oh, let's be us again...


Sending knee mail up for the Heartsore Family...

Mrs. W
Posted By: 213601 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 08:36 PM
quote:
"This thread just takes my breath away...It makes my heart hurt to the core...So many wonderful people trying with so much empathy to help lead you back before it's too late Olive..."

I'm in the same boat of HS, as you know my WW filed for D.

i hope she is still reading here, I wish she would understand, how much I understand her. and how much I want her to make the right choice.

thank you guys for responding.

Tony
Posted By: Marshmallow Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 10:15 PM
Thanks Big K and Mrs. W for letting me know who wrote that post. Just Peachy was before my time. But, THAT post struck me to the core when I read it. Truth has a way of doing that. LOL

Anyway, I just wanted to read what others had written here, and give it a bump up for Olive and others to read.

Like Mrs. W said, it is very moving to see how much love is being poured out on here.



Olive,

Many are praying for you. Please consider my sig line.


~ Marsh
Posted By: NeverToLate Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 10:57 PM
Marsh, the love and support comes from people who have been there and have been hurt by that, as you well know....We are all just trying to help. I could never forgive myself if I would not have at least tried to help someone in need.
Posted By: nc007 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/10/06 11:07 PM
Ditto NTL.

You know.....We are hurting to one degree or another,yet i will put mine aside to help Jay anytime.
Our fight is right, noble and PURE.

Its not control but compassion.
ADULTRY(affairs are such nice words) does not make it right for the offender to destroy a family.

The choice to FORGIVE and LOVE can only come from GOD and to see jay trying to do such deserves anyones help.

Let it never be said that we never gave our best to support BOTH OLIVE and JAY during this challenging and traumatic time.

Olive .........love God , the rest will flow.

I love you.
Posted By: Heartsore22 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/11/06 02:41 PM
Olive,
None of these people have ever met you, but they know you better than you think. They have been in our situation, one way or another, many of them from both perspectives. Most of them have recovered because of the Harleys... there's a reason why he has so many successful books on affair recovery... they are also the best marriage counselors... we can still turn this around. I know that for you to do this you will have to swallow a lot of pride, especially after the spectacle you've fabricated at work... but our children are worth every ounce of our effort, don't you think?

Your Husband (for at least another 12-14 months),
Jay
Posted By: Heartsore22 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/11/06 06:36 PM
Olive,
Last night you were nasty to me, but not sure why. I understand that you are caught between what Mr.BigPants is asking you to do and what your children's eyes and smiles are asking you to do. But this situation you are in has nothing to do with me... even though you think it has everything to do with me. I also understand that you wish I would just roll over and let the family dismantle. You understand that I will not give up on this family or marriage. I promised you I never would and I promised your family that I never would. I married you for life and I took vows accordingly. I have the character to honor my word, as I have done throughout our marriage (and prior). I know that THIS ISN'T YOU, but that THIS is WHAT YOU have done. The question now is what will you do next? When you're ready we can put the past behind us and we can build something new, something better. If you need us to move to have a fresh start, we can....

Your Husband,
HS
Posted By: KaylaAndy Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 11/12/06 12:00 AM
When I was a child, a church that my mother had attended from birth was going to be torn down. It was a beautiful old church, but for whatever reason, there were people in power bound and determined to have it torn down.

My grandfather served on the council of that church and refused to attend the meeting where they "decided" to tear it down. He knew he would be expected to vote a certain way, and he didn't want to vote that way. So he stayed home. My uncle loaned the business truck to the church crews to remove the stained glass windows from the church, and the gold-edged paintings that their ancesters had painstakingly built into their beloved church 100 years before...

My uncle reasoned that they could come to their senses and put the windows and the paintings back in place.

On the morning that the wrecking ball was due to fly, my grandfather stayed in the barn to milk the cows; he couldn't bear to look across the valley at the scene - my uncle says that it was when they started knocking out the bricks around the cornerstones that he says - well - they can't put those back - the building's going to fall.

Olive - you are fast approaching the point of no return on the destruction of your marriage. Your husband has been kind, and patient with you beyond what you expected and beyond what anyone would expect. But you are approaching the point of pulling at the primary supporting bricks on your life's structure - not just that of your marriage, but the supporting bricks on your children's tender fabric of life. You are about to scar their innocence for the rest of their lives. That structure - that safe family structure will never be there for them again if you proceed with what you have set in motion.

Jay praises your intelligence and I really want to give you credit for having it. But this behavior, (for a daughter of a divorced, unfaithful father and a mother who married a beast afterwards) is less than worthy of such praise.

Please turn the wrecking ball away. I hope you find peace in church tomorrow, because I don't know how many more commandments or beatitudes you could break with any sort of conscience. But then again, I can't imagine a woman of conscience could look in the faces of her children and do what you have done and continue to escalate. God bless you with a renewal of conscience!
Posted By: Heartsore22 Re: LETTERS TO OLIVE / MRS. HEARTSORE - 12/04/06 01:18 AM
It isn't too late Olive!
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