I have been married for almost two years. From the very beginning of our relationship, I was treated like a queen. My husband loved me more than I loved him. But everything changed when we got married. My husband is a Minister and spends a lot of hours at the church. The long hours at work became an issue very early in our marriage. He would come home around 10:00pm every night. This led to constant fighting and even longer hours away from home. I found out that on some nights when I thought he was working, he was actually spending time at the strip clubs. My concern is that he is a Minister and that is not setting a good example to the members in the church if they were to find out. He says that he does not care about his reputation and enjoys going to these clubs.

I asked my husband if he thought that he was assuming the roles of the husband that are listed in the Bible. He said that he was probably not but did not feel any remorse for this. He feels that he has made every effort and that a marriage should not require a whole lot of work. It should be a natural thing and we should intuitively know what the other person’s needs are.

When we were dating, we always enjoyed each other’s company. We had such a strong connection in the beginning. Lately my husband has said that we are not right for each other. He thinks that he made a mistake when he married me. He told me that I was not nurturing the way that he needed me to be. He said that I should just know what he needs when he needs it. Over the last year, he has formed an ally with a good friend of his. She was also having problems in her marriage and they started having lunch together twice a week. Then, they started exchanging suggestive text messages. He swears that nothing else happened.

About 2 months ago, my husband told me that he wanted a 30 day separation and I agreed. During the separation, my husband had an affair which he denied at first. It has been 2 months since the separation and we are living under the same roof. We have been seeing a spiritual guidance counselor at our church who knows us also on a personal level. She has committed to help us restore our marriage. She feels that my husband is going through a spiritual rut. The first week of our counseling, the counselor asked my husband if he was asking God to guide his path and his answer was “no”. He stated that he was not going to make a decision to stay in the marriage based on what the Bible states. He wants to make the decision based on what he wants. I am really concerned with his rebellious attitude towards God.
At the suggestion of our counselor, we have started praying together every morning but there are days when my husband says he does not know what to pray for. In week 6 of our counseling sessions my husband told the counselor and his best friend that the last month of our relationship has been very good and even better than the beginning of our marriage. However, I noticed that during this last month, my husband has been emotionally unavailable so I asked him what was wrong. He stated that he has been pretending over the last month. He says that the relationship has been peaceful but the euphoria is gone. He really does not think he wants to be in the marriage anymore. The only reason that he agreed to try to work on the marriage is because he felt he should try to honor the marriage. I truly love my husband and don’t want the marriage to end but I am not sure what to do at this point. I feel that we have lost our rhythm.

Have you read "Surviving an Affair" by Dr. Harley? If not, buy it today and start reading it immediately. Also buy "His Needs, Her Needs" and read it too.

Have you read the articles on this web site? Read all of them and people on here will help you. You are doing the right things, mostly, but you need to read Harley's method of doing this. Have you told the other woman's husband about the affair? If not, do it today. It's scary at first, but gives you power like you wouldn't believe.

Don't pay any attention to what he is saying. He has no clue, and is rewriting the history of your marriage to make his adultery justified. This is written about in Surviving An Affair. You won't be sorry. Go get the book right now and if you can't find it at your bookstore, order it by clicking on the button on this page called "bookstore." You can read the articles here on the website while you wait for the book to arrive.

Your spiritual counselor sounds like he/she doesn't know what to do to save a marriage that has been damaged by adultery. Dr. Harley does. Read what he advises, and do it.

Best wishes.

Doesnt sound like a spirtual rut to me. Sounds like sex addiction.

Have you read Jim Dobsons "Love Must be Tough" yet?
I think your H has gotten into a deep sex addiction, and now he is making up excuses to justify his sinful behavior. If he says that his M to you is just a "mistake" then, in his mind, he is not breaking his vow. he is just trying to correct a mistake. of course you know better than that. But your H would like to convince you otherwise.

Frankly, until he can commit to the biblical plan for M, your H is headed down a very bad path.

What other support do you have for yourself? Family? Friends?

I'm sorry honey but your WH is off his rocker!!!! The things he is saying are blasphemy. Does the church where he pastors know about his other life? If not they should. He is not only hurting you and destroying his marriage but he is pretending to be a man of God and is misleading a church congregation. This is wayyyyyyyy out there and needs to be addressed immediately by church elders/deacons/etc.

I don't know what others would do but I think its time for some tough love and including exposure to the church body. He has lost himself (many waywards do). He sounds as if he may have a sex addiction too (unfortunatley pastors are not immune, remember the recent events with Haggert). He needs someone to remind him that God loves him and so do they but that his behavior is unacceptable and carried consequences on both in this life and in then next.

Best of luck to you.

You must immediately go to the head pastor and/or elders. They will know what to do and how to help your husband.

The Bible tells you that you must do this. Please dont be like your husband! Help lead him back, by being obedient to the Word.

Do it today!

(((((kmmw)))))

kmmw - I hear your desperation, but I need to ask you a direct question, one Christian to another.

Do you want Scriptural advice or secular advice?

If your answer is secular, I can't help you.

If your answer is obedience to God, then I'll do what I can to assist you.

For now, let's get something straight, though. From what you have written your husband is either extremely young and naive and not a true Christian, or he has taken "liberty in Christ" as an excuse for willful sin against GOD. Either way, the "problem" will not be "fixed" without God. Not for you. Not for your husband. Not for your marriage.

If you believe your husband IS a Christian, then give us some details about the church, the belief structure, doctrinal structure, how your husband fits into the governing structure of the church, etc.

There are many who SAY that they are "Christians," but as James points out....the "proof" is in the doing and the WHY they are doing.

God bless.

** Post Deleted **

If you are for real, then you may have a narcissist on your hands.
Check out;
http://groups.msn.com/NARCISSISTICPERSONALITYDISORDER/home.htm

Thanks to all of you for your advice. To answer your question, I am seeking scriptural advice. My husband and I are in our 30’s. He is an ordained Minister who has a Masters in Divinity. 85% of his job in the church is spent on the business side (non-profit and business development) and the remaining 15% is divided between weddings, funerals, counseling and teaching for the Men’s ministry.(which helps to support men to be the fathers and husbands that God wants them to be) and he serves as a teacher for the Boy’s ministry (this group helps boys to transition from young boys to men through the building of character through spiritual discipline). Also, he is occasionally invited to preach at other churches.

We are of the Baptist denomination. We have the traditional Christian values. Our church believes in building strong families. The church believes that there are severe consequences for not being obedient to God. Our church believes that God requires total stewardship of our personal selves and it is our duty to walk the way God would want us to.

And so??? Is your husband doing this?

The added problem here is that he is in charge of advising other men on how to be husbands!!! Right now, unfortunately, he is a hypocrite.

I am not saying this to be mean! But I am saying that the way to get right is to take him to the senior pastor and/or elders. They know how to deal with this and lead him back.

kmmw-

I have been in your shoes somewhat. My husband was a second career minister when his attempted EA was exposed and he lost his ministry position.

What I see as a parallel from my experience is that when my WH began full time ministry, he pulled away from his family and also from men who could hold him accountable.I also saw a spirit of rebellion towards God that I had never seen in my Wh before.

I believe the whole process that lead up to his EA was a subtle attack from the enemy to destroy his ministry. First, he was convinced that he didn't need to be accountable to anyone. Then, after D-day, he was convinced that he had messed up too bad to come back to his M or his calling.

I am not saying that there were no other issues that contributed to the climate in our M that made this door easier to open. I just can look back and see how intense the confusion and disconnection was for both of us.

You are in a fight for your husband's heart and mind as well as your M. Continue to seek scriptural advice and enlist the help of prayer warriors who will keep your WH before the Lord. As a friend told me "God will deal with him much more creatively than you ever could."

One thing I have learned in all this is that patience is a skill and one that I never really worked on until now. It's alternately frustrating and empowering to rest in Him.

I found encouragement from Rom.8:26. Just knowing that the Holy Spirit is praying for me and my WH before God helps me hope in Him.

Hang in there.

The spiritual advice in this case is far easier to give than the recovery advice.

You already know what you have to do here. You have to take him in front of the elders and make them aware of what's going on. That simple.

He needs to repent. End the sin, make amends (to you, the church, and her H if she's married), and take steps to ensure that this sin is in his past.

No rocket science here. The first step is to go to the elders.

minwife – Thank you for this information, it is very helpful. Before I get into responding to you posts, let ask you something to think about. You stated that you have been married about 2 years and are both in your 30’s. How much do you know about your husband’s “past?” Do you know when he accepted Christ as his Lord and Savior? Were there any previous relationships for either of you that ended in divorce? If so, on what basis did a divorce happen, as there is only ONE valid reason to end a marriage between two believers?


Okay, let’s turn to “heart of the matter.”

Assuming all that you have said about the beliefs of you and your husband, and of the church you attend, your husband is in extremely dire circumstances. Obviously it can, and probably will, have a negative impact on his employment, but his danger goes far beyond that. He is a leader, an elder of the church, and is directly responsible to God for his actions in that role. He is willfully sinning directly against God first, you second, and the church and it’s people third.

The Scripture is quite clear about all of this, and if you need Scripture references I’ll be happy to provide them.

But let’s turn the “most operative” part of Scripture concerning your situation for the moment. You’ll find it in Matthew 18:15-20 and it pertains to discipline for a sinning brother or sister in Christ. The FIRST avenue of approach is “one on one,” where the sin is confronted in love by someone who is aware of it, in this case, for example, it could be you who is doing the intervention, based upon what the Scripture says, not on what you “feel.”

If that doesn’t work, then you involve one or two others who are trusted and firmly grounded in the Scripture, perhaps the senior pastor and/or elder. If their intervention continues to be met with resistance and a refusal to repent, the circle widens. The PURPOSE of this disciplinary intervention is NOT to punish the sinner, it is to hopefully gain repentance and full restoration into the body.

This situation is complicated by the fact that your husband IS already a minister and in a position of leadership. His statements to you and his actions of adultery make him unfit for such a position at this time and you may well have to face the fact that you cannot “look the other way” and allow him to continue in a ministerial and teaching position when his actions, and apparently his beliefs, are heretical to God’s revealed Word. This sort of “wolf” cannot be allowed to function within the body or others WILL wind up getting hurt, perhaps even damaging their own faith, especially so with the youth of the church.

So let’s get into some specifics for a minute or two.


My husband is a Minister and spends a lot of hours at the church. The long hours at work became an issue very early in our marriage. He would come home around 10:00pm every night.

This is, unfortunately, a very common experience. In a “zeal” to be “working for the Lord,” they justify actions that cause problems with other commands of God and excuse it on the basis of “they are doing the Lord’s work.”

Here is the “proper” order of things for prioritizing one’s time.

God first
Spouse second
Children third
Extended family fourth
Fellow believers fifth
Employer sixth
Everyone else a distant seventh.

Now I don’t want to “argue” about personal preferences in the ordering, but without exception, the first two I listed are in that order always. One CANNOT be putting God first if one is disobeying God’s commands and attempting to justify that disobedience because they are “doing the Lord’s work.” An example, God has COMMANDED husbands to love their wives. If there is NOT love in a marriage it IS the fault of the husband. Remember that “love” is first an action verb. “Feelings” of “in love” come after “acts of love” that one chooses to do. That love may not be returned by the wife, but God does not command a wife to love her husband. God has other commands for the wife that are predicated on the husband being a “biblical husband” even if he is not himself a believer. For a Christian husband, the “threshold” of the wife’s responses to God’s commands to wives is predicated on the Christian husband fulfilling his role according to God’s commands to him.

So let’s get very specific. “Thou shalt NOT commit adultery.” Nothing ambiguous there. A person “suitable” for leadership in a church must either be single or the husband of but ONE wife. That is clear Scriptural teaching and NOT subject to interpretation or twisting to “accommodate” a desire to sin and certainly not subject to any “spiritual rut.”

But let’s get to the most serious issue, the Scripture is equally clear that unrepentant adulterers WILL NOT be in heaven. If they will not, then they NEVER were saved. Remember that even Jesus responded to many who claimed to be “Christians,” [color:"red"] “Away from me you evildoers, I NEVER knew you.” (emphasis added) [/color]

All of the other issues, as serious as they are, don’t hold a candle to the peril of his soul in eternal separation from God.

THAT is what must be addressed BEFORE anything else.

I don’t mean to hurt you with what I am about to say, but you need to “get your mind around this” in order for you to approach saving both your husband and your marriage. Your marriage is already over. It ended when he chose adultery. YOU can forgive him. YOU can choose to attempt to rebuild your marriage. But only if, and when, he repents and turns from sin back to God and to you.


This led to constant fighting and even longer hours away from home.

This may have been partly your fault and may have lead to an “atmosphere” where he might be vulnerable to an affair, but it is no “excuse” for a choice to commit adultery.


I found out that on some nights when I thought he was working, he was actually spending time at the strip clubs. My concern is that he is a Minister and that is not setting a good example to the members in the church if they were to find out. He says that he does not care about his reputation and enjoys going to these clubs.

They will find out, so let’s get that out now. The question I would have is whether or not he was going to the strip clubs alone, or did some other member(s) of the church also attend and may be enablers of his activities. His reputation may not be of concern to him (obviously) but it is, or should be, to the leadership and membership of the church.


I asked my husband if he thought that he was assuming the roles of the husband that are listed in the Bible. He said that he was probably not but did not feel any remorse for this.

As a minister this answer is very revealing as to where his heart is. Such is the power of sin and is also indicative of the “hardness of his heart.”


He feels that he has made every effort and that a marriage should not require a whole lot of work. It should be a natural thing and we should intuitively know what the other person’s needs are.

Fogbound justification. Again, as a minister, he should KNOW the fallacy of this since NONE of us a “mind-reader.” He is attempting to shift the blame for his choice to you and make you the “bad girl” in HIS choice to commit adultery. Marriage takes work, plain and simple. At the very least it takes communication of needs so that the other spouse can know what is “needed” or “important” to each spouse.

Let’s just cite one glaring fallacy in his statement; marriage is for LIFE, not for 2 years. Suffice it to say that he has NOT “made every effort,” if for no other reason that 2 years can’t hold “every effort.”


When we were dating, we always enjoyed each other’s company. We had such a strong connection in the beginning. Lately my husband has said that we are not right for each other. He thinks that he made a mistake when he married me. He told me that I was not nurturing the way that he needed me to be. He said that I should just know what he needs when he needs it.

More justification and fog-speak. More attempt to shift blame to you.


Over the last year, he has formed an ally with a good friend of his. She was also having problems in her marriage and they started having lunch together twice a week. Then, they started exchanging suggestive text messages. He swears that nothing else happened.

And if you believe nothing happened, given the other things you know did happen, then “swampland” turns into prime real estate with no need for improvement.


About 2 months ago, my husband told me that he wanted a 30 day separation and I agreed. During the separation, my husband had an affair which he denied at first.

Separation is just a means many a WS uses to be able to “do whatever they want to do” (read: have an affair without someone constantly looking over their shoulder).


It has been 2 months since the separation and we are living under the same roof.

So why did you let him move back in without repentance and without commitments?


We have been seeing a spiritual guidance counselor at our church who knows us also on a personal level. She has committed to help us restore our marriage. She feels that my husband is going through a spiritual rut.

Forgive me for saying this, but I disagree with this counselor. Your husband is in no “spriritual rut,” whatever that might mean or how it might try to attempt to justify outright sin. Your husband is in direct disobedience of God and that’s a CHOICE, not a “rut.” This counselor is playing in the arena of “feelings,” and feelings are NO justification for willful sin, nor do “feelings” excuse or justify adultery. Either we stand on the Scripture as the revealed Word of God, or we don’t. I would personally question the competency of this counselor and would strongly recommend you seek out a counselor who is trained in Nouthetic Counseling. I can give you a link to the National Association of Nouthetic Counselors if you’d like it, and you can search the counselor database for counselors in or near your area.


The first week of our counseling, the counselor asked my husband if he was asking God to guide his path and his answer was “no”. He stated that he was not going to make a decision to stay in the marriage based on what the Bible states. He wants to make the decision based on what he wants. I am really concerned with his rebellious attitude towards God.

You are right to be concerned about this. For a Christian, let alone a Minister, to say that he is NOT going to do what God says is not just “troubling,” it strongly indicates that the person was never truly “born again.”


At the suggestion of our counselor, we have started praying together every morning but there are days when my husband says he does not know what to pray for. In week 6 of our counseling sessions my husband told the counselor and his best friend that the last month of our relationship has been very good and even better than the beginning of our marriage. However, I noticed that during this last month, my husband has been emotionally unavailable so I asked him what was wrong. He stated that he has been pretending over the last month. He says that the relationship has been peaceful but the euphoria is gone. He really does not think he wants to be in the marriage anymore. The only reason that he agreed to try to work on the marriage is because he felt he should try to honor the marriage. I truly love my husband and don’t want the marriage to end but I am not sure what to do at this point. I feel that we have lost our rhythm.

He is still in his affair. It’s probably just gone “underground” for now.

If you would like, I can email you a pamphlet that our MC gave us when we began counseling. It’s called “What Do You Do When Your Marriage Goes Sour.” If you want it, send me an email at mbforeverhers@yahoo.com and I’ll email it to you. Just be sure to tell me who you are on this system so I’ll recognize you.


God bless.

minwife - just thinking of you and hoping you are doing okay.

This season SHOULD be impacting your husband greatly.

Do you have an update you'd care to share?

God bless.

Here is a quick update of what's going on. The spirtual counselor spoke with the Pastor of the church last week. I'm not sure if he has spoken to my husband yet because of the holidays (the church is closed except for Sundays until January). However, the other day we were at an event and I was waiting for my husband while he was on the phone. He accussed me of being in his personal space and in his conversation. So, we talked about it and he was very defensive. When we got home, he decided that he wanted to leave. I asked him to at least stay until the morning. So, he is planning on leaving again. But this time, I am not asking him to stay. I am letting him leave. This is probably the best Christmas gift that I could ever give him. So, I am asking God to direct my steps and help deliver me from this situation. The intersting thing is that my family is hurt because of what has happened but they really believe that my husband has some mental and spiritual issues that are causing him to be like this. They really don't feel that he is in his right mind. My husband mentioned going to a convent for a few days this week to reflect but not necessarily on what he should do about the marriage. He sees this as a separate issue. But, I wish him well and will continue to pray for him because I love him and care about his well being. I know that God has something very special planned for my life and when God leads me in another direction, I know that I can say that I did everything that I could to save my marriage. Merry Christmas to all!!!!!

"HE see this as a separate issue". Come on, do you really believe he believes this? He knows that sinning against God cannot be compartmentalized. I am going to a convent to work on me to reestablish my relationship with God, to find out why I have been separated from him, to see what's wrong with me, to find answers...etc.... BUT don't get your hopes up because I have no desire to do what GOD commands regarding our M.

Do you see how stupid and out there this comment is? You WH has fallen away and is separated from God by his SIN. No, not just his sexual sin and other sins but the the same sin that fell Lucifer.... the sin of ME!! I want what I want and I want it now, not later, I I I I I I I I I I I I....Everytime we are all about I or ME we are never about God. That's your WH's problem and he doesn't want to hear it because he already knows God's answers he just doesn't like, trust or believe that they will lead to HIS happiness.

God bless you and remain strong. I think you are doing the right thing be letting him go. Send him off on a good note and move on with your life letting God deal with him. As tough as it is this season please try and have a Merry Christmas

minwife-

You have taken a courageous step and I just want to encourage you: You can do this.

I was in the same place as you not that long ago and I cannot begin to tell you how God has guided my steps. My children and I have been so blessed by our growing relationship with each other-I can't believe how much of a blessing it has been.

It isn't easy. But, God will give you moments where you will catch a glimpse of His guidance, His involvement in all your lives, and His great love and mercy for you.

Merry Christmas to you. Feel free to email me if you need to-my email is in my profile.

In His gracious Grip-

My husband returned from his spiritual retreat on Wednesday night. I asked him how everything went. He stated that he asked God to reveal to him what he should do about the marriage. The last time he asked God, the answer was for him to work on his marriage. This time he said that he wasn't sure what God's answer was but he was going to do what he wanted to do anyway. He felt that God did not bring this marriage together since it was not working out. He also stated that the marriage was the reason why he lost his way spiritually. I asked him to continue to pray and wait on God to turn the situation around. He said that he did not want to wait because he doesn't believe that it can work. He said that he was afraid to wait on God but he was not sure why. I have gotten to the point where I am begging him to turn this over to God. I told him that if God revealed to him that he should walk away from his wife, then I will support him 110%.

My husband and I are scheduled to meet with the Pastor of our church on Tuesday. I am not sure what the outcome of this will be. The Pastor is very hurt by this situation and I am not sure what direction he will take us. I told the Pastor that I would do whatever he thought was best for the situation.

Please pray for our situation.

Happy New Year!

This guy is speaking Blashpemy!!! I would tell the pastor what he has said and is saying.

NO MORE BEGGING!!!! IT WILL NOT WORK!!! STOP IT!!!!

HE is wrong, he is living in sin, he is changing God's word, making a mockery of a divine institution and his vows to God. Doing all of this as a minister is bordering of mocking God and will be terrible dealt with, wait and watch.

DO NOT Support anything he does that conflicts with God's word. YOU are allowing yourself to be dragged down to where he is.....You said he said "I am going to do what I want anyway..." Well, this God like attitude is what got Lucifer a one way ticket to ****** and exclusion from heaven and separates man from God now and today...

BE Strong, call on your faith, your church, friends but do not encourage or support anything this man says or does at this point. He is so spiritually lost I am worried about his soul.

Minwife,

How do you know he actually went on a retreat? He was away from you for a weekend, does not care what God's will is - only his own, it sounds like he was away with OW sealing the last nail in your marriage coffin.

Hang tight to your faith in God, you will need every ounce of it. This experience will change you but pay attention along the way. This is not just about God and your husband, it is about God and you as well. There are changes and growth ahead for you - pay attention to the signs.

I wish you all the best. I am so saddened by people who present themselves as religous leaders and do this stuff. I understand they are only human, but after only 2 years of marriage? Come on. They should have a little more will power in that line of work. What is wrong with the world today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Happy New Year MW and be strong.

minwife - Let me get a grip on my "righteous anger" for a minute...... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />

Whew!

Okay, let's get back to basics and hopefully YOU will not be afraid to stand for the Lord.

You should NOT "support him 110%, or any percent for that matter, in any action that is in willful disobedience to God's commands and God's will. God hates divorce and ONLY grants the "right to a divorce" to the faithful spouse of an adulterer. HE has no rights and his attempts at twisting things to "get what he wants" are pathetic at the least and blashpemous at worst.




IF you were both saved, then God unquestionably was a party to your marriage. He (God) entered your marriage as a COVENANTAL PARTNER. And God is faithfull to ALL of His covenants. Your husband does NOT get to "blame God" for his own sinful choices.




This is the first truthful thing I have heard him say. First, God does NOT hear the prayers of a willful sinner, so it is not surprising that your husband "isn't sure" what God said. Silence is deafening sometimes.

But whether or not God heard him, your husband has made it clear that he WILL NOT submit to God and WILL do whatever he feels like doing. That is the issue in it's entirety, and if your husband thinks that is how a Christian is supposed to live his life,....well, you can make that assessment as well as I can.




This is just another lie from your husband. He doesn't want to wait on God because he KNOWS that God is NOT going to tell him it's "okay" to commit willful sin, much less the forbidden sins of adultery, covetousness, etc..

He doesn't want to wait on God because God's answer is "NO!" and he wants to go ahead and do whatever he feels like doing regardless of what God, or anyone else, has to say about it.




Okay, then here's a couple of suggestions. email me immediately for the pamphlet I mentioned earlier. I also include a second one called "Marriage, Who's Dream?"

Read them BEFORE you meet with the Pastor and take them with you.

If your Pastor is NOT willing to stand for God and your marriage, then ask him plainly if he believes the Bible is the Word of God, inspired and inerrant. If he says anything other than "yes," then find another church immediately, because you do not need to be in a church that purports to believe in God, but not what God has revealed in His Word.

If he answers "yes," then tell him that you think it is time for him to implement Matthew 18:15-20 as ADULTERY is a gross and willful sin against God, as well as against you and your marriage.

minwife, this battle is for your husband's soul. NO unrepentant adulterers will be in heaven. God has plainly stated that. This is the "first" battle that must be engaged. Your marriage is second. It will be up to you, if your husband repents, whether or not you want to remain married to him, but it is NOT his choice.

Tuesday will be a "crisis intervention" time. Be prepared. Read the pamphlets. Read the Scripture. Pray for calm and steadfastness in standing for the Lord. Pray for your husband that he may have a softening of his heart and a receptiveness to the Holy Spirit that leads to conviction and repentance.

In the meantime, be assured that several here on MB will also be praying for you and your meeting on Tuesday.

God bless.

minwife-

I will be praying for you tomorrow. I know exactly how you feel-fighting for your M and for your H's spiritual restoration. But, you can't save a M by yourself any more than you can applaud with one hand. All you can do is be accountable for yourself.

A friend said this to me when I was trying so hard to get my WH to see his sin and get back on track (last summer) "God will deal much more creatively with your H than you ever could" (remember Jonah?). Keep praying for your H. Pray that God's Holy Spirit will work in your H to expose, convict, and restore. Then, let that part be. That's the HS's work anyway.

Also, don't ever accept your WH's statements about God not wanting your marriage to stay together because things aren't working out. It is never God's will to end a marriage.

In Malachi 2:14-15 God tells the people of Judah why He isn't responding to their prayers " It is because the Lord is acting as a witness between you and the wife of your youth, because you have broken faith with her, though she is your partner, the wife of your marriage covenant. Has not the Lord made them one? In flesh and spirit they are His..so guard yourself in your spirit and do not break faith with the wife of your youth."

Please know that many here are lifting you up in prayer and God's promises are true

Prov 14:26 "[S]he who fears the Lord has a secure fortress and for [her] children it will be a refuge."

You are in my prayers today-

minwife - how did things go with the meeting with the Pastor?

It sounds to me that your husband has a sexual addiction. This is type of issue is especially difficult since you are minister's wife and the both of you are expected to have a loving and happy relationship. I am sure that you have been praying. The only way your husband will change is if he wants to change. I know you want to save your marriage, what about saving yourself. If I were you I would separate. He really shouldn't be ministering at your church with this issue, that needs to be exposed as well.

He wants to honor the marriage......He should be honoring you.

I am currently separated from my husband. I left home Dec. 28 and have not spoken to my husband since then. He has left me 4 messages including one on New Year's Eve to make sure that I am okay.

I had a private meeting with the Pastor earlier this week. The Pastor was very disturbed by everything that is going on. He had no idea that any of this was going on in our household. My husband has been making him believe that everything was fine. Unfortunately, I do not have any new information yet. The Pastor and my husband are both away on a business trip. The Pastor is planning on talking to my husband while they are on this trip. I will not know the outcome of this until the end of the week. The Pastor wants to schedule another meeting with us once he has a chance to talk to my husband. I will keep all of you posted on how that goes. Thanks so much for your prayers and advice.

Do you go to a Christian church?

minwife,

We will pray for you.


I completely agree with ForeverHers. Gods will would be to fight FOR your marriage 110%.
Your husband wasn't sure of God's answer because he does not want to listen to what God has to say, which is remain married. God is not going to tell him to get divorced.

God Bless
live4JC

minwife - Something doesn't "smell" right.

On the 31st there is NO mention of you and your husband being separated, yet on Jan. 5th you state that you "left home" and separated on Dec.28th?

On Dec. 31st you speak, with NO mention of any separation, of having a JOINT meeting with the Pastor on Tuesday, Jan. 2nd, AND you say that you have NOT spoken with your husband since Dec. 28th?

Then you say that YOU had a private meeting with the Pastor "earlier this week," (maybe the aforementioned Tuesday Jan. 2nd meeting), yet that shouldn't have been since you previously mentioned that BOTH you and your husband were meeting with the Pastor that day?

Then, to "compound" the seeming inconsistancies, you stated in the Dec.28th post that " The Pastor is very hurt by this situation and I am not sure what direction he will take us. I told the Pastor that I would do whatever he thought was best for the situation." But in the current Jan.5th post you stated; "The Pastor was very disturbed by everything that is going on. He had no idea that any of this was going on in our household. My husband has been making him believe that everything was fine."(ostensibly the Pastor's "1st clue" that anything was "wrong" was the solo meeting you had with him earlierthis week)

I'm afraid I don't "get it." You OBVIOUSLY had spoken with the Pastor in December, informed him about at least some of what was going on, and set up the JOINT meeting with the Pastor as a result of that conversation. In THAT conversation, enough was said to the Pastor that he was "very hurt" by your situation, not sure "what direction he would take you," and that YOU told him that you would "do whatever he said."

NOW, in the current post you say that the meeting was just you and the Pastor and that the Pastor had "no clue" that ANYTHING was going on.

Forgive me, but I am having a LOT of trouble believing your story at this point.

Unless you can provide sufficient clarification of these glaring inconsistancies in the story, I am going to have to reconsider my participation in this thread. I understand how "mixed up" adultery causes one's thoughts, so I want to afford you the opportunity to clarify this issue and provide sufficient detail to indicate that this situation you have written about is real.

I apologize for any confusion. Maybe I should have said that on the 28th I left my home. When I left, my plan was to only stay gone for the weekend. Now that I have met with the Pastor, I am not sure if this will be a temporary or permanent situation. The Pastor wants to save my marriage but we both realize that I cannot do this on my own. If my husband chooses not to work on the marriage, there is nothing that I can do. The Pastor's plan was to talk to my husband while they were out of town.

The original meeting with the Pastor was schedule for both of us. When I left on the 28th I told my husband that the Pastor wanted to meet with us on the following Tuesday and would be contacting him. The pastor was unable to confirm the appointment with my husband. I was not aware of this until the morning of the meeting. I am not sure if my husband got the Pastor's messages because I chose not to communicate with my husband during my time away. The Pastor said that he would continue to try to reach my husband. When I arrived at my appointment, the Pastor still had not talked to my husband and I ended up meeting with him on my own. I do not want to jump to conclusions as to why my husband was not there. In this case, there may have been a legitimate reason. He does respect the Pastor and the Pastor is also his employer.

When I said that the Pastor had no idea that this was going on in my household, I mean prior to me informing him last week. The Pastor sees my husband every day and always asks about me. My husband never mentioned that this was going on. So, when I told the Pastor my story, he was very surprised.

Dearest Mimwife, I want to to tell you that I am a wife of a minister that has had an affair.

You can survive, but you have to decide that Jesus is first for you! Then from there regain your strength and intimacy with HIM.

Foreverhers is wealth of knowledge and caring, good questions are asked, ponder them. Ask questions that you really wanted answered here.


Remember, you are living out the choices. It is a time to gut out some issues, look in the mirror, take off the veil of what life should be and look at what is there.

I will pray for you that God is able to break through the hard shells of life and take you into the warmth of his arms.

My husband and I met with the Pastor yesterday. My husband was very arrogant during the meeting. My husband has decided that he does not want to work on the marriage. He does not see the marriage getting any better and does not have faith that God can turn this around. He told the Pastor that he wanted to dissolve the marriage. He also told the Pastor that he felt that God was leading him in a different direction. The Pastor told him that God would not direct him away from his wife. My husband admitted to the Pastor that from the beginning of the marriage, he never put forth an effort to be the husband that God wanted him to be. My husband also told the Pastor that he felt that he was not capable of ministering to others in the church. At the end of the meeting, the Pastor reminded us of a couple who went through the same thing and were able to restore their marriage. The Pastor prayed for restoration of our marriage. The Pastor is still very hopeful that we will be able to reconcile.

After the meeting, the Pastor walked me out. He was very upset with my husband and told me that he was not finished talking to him. I think there were some things that the Pastor wanted to discuss with him on a spiritual level and also man to man. I am very afraid of my husband's state of mind. I told the Pastor that I really don't have any choice at this point because even though I love my husband and want to work on the marriage, my husband has free will and if he decided not to work on the marriage, there is nothing that I can do.

As I was leaving the church, my husband called me and asked to see me. I saw a completely different side of him. He was very sad and showed some humility. This was not the same person who was in the Pastor's office five minutes prior. He wanted to find out why I had not been returning his phone calls. I told him that I did not want to talk to him because there were so many times that I wanted to talk to him and he did not answer his phone because he was too busy with work or other activities. He also asked me if it was okay for him to call me. I asked him why he wanted to call me and he stated that he wanted to check in and make sure that we were okay.

At this point, I feel like I really don't have any other choice so I am meeting with the spiritual counselor next week to figure out my next step. I have an attorney lined up. So, between the two, I am hoping to make a decision within the next few weeks.

By all means line up an attorney. You need to protect yourself financially. But there is no hurry to divorce.

Is the other woman married? I may have missed that.

This man is in a spiritual battle and the soul level. He is completely lost and caught up in ME ME ME ME ME ME ME just like all WS are. SELFISHNESS beyond belief.

minwife - be vigilant and be patient.

The meeting with the Pastor was a good first step.

While it sounds as though your husband was being convicted of his sin, his actions will tell over time.

The "way back" is not often easy either. Remember that the enemy does NOT want reconciliation or a return to submission of one's life to God and will fight, so pray for your husband during this time.

God bless.

Hello Minwife-

ForeverHers is right. The way back will not be easy.

God has been showing me a lot about the enemy's pattern lately as He has been shaping my prayer life and it's helped me see where my WH started to fall into the enemy's plan to distract my WH from his ministry.

Here's the basic plan: get us to doubt God's word, then doubt God's character (that He truly wants the best for us etc., and then exalt the individual (my needs are most important, I don't care about my responsbilities) and that we are exempt from the consequences of our choices.

It's as old as the temptation in the garden.

It is good that you saw a glimpse of your real Husband, some real emotion and sadness. That means his heart is still open to the conviction of the Holy Spirit. But, be prepared for the alien to return after those moments as the enemy changes tactics and starts accusing him of being a total failure...( a man's greatest fear).

I know with my WH, initially he was remorseful and seemed willing to work at our M. But, once the real work of MC started he "turned off".

I realize now he had initially believed those lies (you don't have to be accountable to anyone-you are entitled to your feelings-you can handle this-it's not wrong if it feels right-I deserve to be happy) then when it was exposed the enemy turned it into accusations: "You failed, you can't go back to ministry." My WH has actually said that he won't go back to ministry. He has even tried to close off his real self to be in this stale place he has chosen for himself.

You do need to protect yourself financially and legally. A legal separation is not a dissolution. It also may give you some breathing space to continue to seek counsel, and to let God continue working.

In my state a LSA is good for 14 months and can continue to be renewed. Your lawyer will know more.

Keep praying for your H. Pray for this battle for his mind and his emotions. I will pray the same for you.

You are in my thoughts-

From the very beginning of this journey, my plan was to stand for my marriage. I truly believed that this was what God wanted me to do. Now I am more concerned about saving my husband. I have never experienced anything like this before. I have received so much support from his family and they are all very concerned about his spiritual well being. They see how lost he is and really don't know how to help him (with the exception of prayer). He also is not telling them the entire story. They all want him to work on his marriage but he feels that everyone is ganging up on him (including the Pastor). I believe that God can turn my situation around. However, I am starting to think that my husband may be able to find his way back to God quicker if I granted him the divorce. Maybe I am the roadblock. I know that he started to lose his way before he ever met me but I am thinking that the marriage complicated things even more. I am very concerned about his spiritual and emotional state of mind right now. I feel that if I let my marriage go, then he would be able to possibly get his life back on track. And of course, I would never stop praying for him. Any thoughts?

In my church, we believe that the BS also has a convenant with God. I stayed and tried to work on the marriage for 3 and a half years. Sadly, my WH continued living with the OW.

It is so strange, because WH was very active in our church for over 20 years. In one of the last letters I received from WH, he said he had been convicted of his sin, and was paying the consequences. He was still living with the OW at that time. It is so strange the way they turn everything around.

(((((minwife)))))




For those of us who have been faced with a similar situation let me say that I understand what you thinking. It IS correct to have the condition of your husband's soul as the "higher priority" simply because our relationship with God (saved or condemned) through Christ IS the highest priority for all people. It places the "eternal" over the "temporal" and "transitory."

At the same time it IS also your command from God to STAND for your one flesh marriage with the help of God. God DOES give you the right to divorce if YOU cannot forgive AND continue living with the spouse who committed adultery. God "hates" divorce, but He also recognizes that adultery is a severing of the marriage covenant AND that the sin is "so offensive" to human emotions that a loving marriage that honors and glorifies God may not be possible for the Betrayed Spouse who may be "weaker in the faith." I personally believe that this is because of the promises a BS makes when they forgive a WS, but then tries to live up to the promises inherent in forgiving without trusting in God to provide all the resources and strength.
When we DO rely on God (as in God's promise of Philippians 4:13), God is faithful to all of His promises to us. We have to get our "emotions" out of the way, as real as they are (and God knows them and how hard they are for us to deal with), and place our trust in God and His omniscience and omnipotence.




I fully understand the enticing appeal of this sort of thinking. I have had similar thoughts, as I am sure many have had. BUT, this is NOT "God's way." "God's way" is to not presume to act for God. If your wedding vows were similar to mine, there was a commitment before God to each other "for better or for worse," etc.

With little objection I am sure that ALL Betrayed Spouses, believers and unbelievers alike, will tell you that adultery IS "the worst." Just as Israel's adultery from God was terrible, yet He endured to death in order to make salvation possible, so God tell us that marriage is, or should be, "like Christ and His bride, the church."

This situation of adultery brings us "face to face" with sacrificial love. Not just "simple" sacrificial love, but sacrificial love "to the death." The death of your covenantal marriage is "at stake." So my advice would be to persevere in the face of the real sin and the real emotional impact. Submit your emotions to God.

Recognize that NOTHING that we do, or that anyone can do, SAVES anyone. It is an act of God. Substituting your actions that could be based in understandable, but incorrect, reactions to your emotions for God's sovereignty is NOT what God wants. God wants your TRUST in Him to KNOW what your husband needs, and the timeframe needed.

Understand that I am speaking in the assumption that your husband IS a born again believer who is backslidden and caught in the snare of adultery. For believers, God has made it clear that they ARE saved and cannot lose their salvation. God has also made it clear that the indwelling Holy Spirit will NOT fail to convict a believer of their sin and bring them to repentance. Yes, we CAN run from God for "a while," but not forever. There is no place we can go where the Holy Spirit does not go with us. Therefore, a believer WILL repent of their sin and begin the possibly long process of being led back to the safety of the "fold."

If your husband is NOT a believer, AND he wants a divorce, then Paul has made it equally clear that you CAN "let him go." Believers should not be unequally yoked and God is also a "God of peace" for believers who are yoked to unbelievers who will not live "as if" they godly husbands.

So the "key question" right now is whether or not you believe that your husband had a saving faith at some point whereby he became "born again" in Christ?




Thougts? Yes, I am thinking of the Prodigal Son. The father did NOT sever the family relationship. He DID release the son to God to "do his thing," trusting that God would reach the son in God's time. In effect, the father "Plan B'd" the son, leaving him to his own resources and in God's hands. The faithful brother also had to be reminded that forgiveness with God, and restoration of relationship with God and family, IS what "should be done" for those who have remained faithful, despite any seeming human "inequity." No, it is not easy. But God really doesn't ask us to the the "easy." He tells us to "take up our cross and follow Him."

At this point in time I can only offer you the hope that is in God. I can offer you my own example that God IS faithful to His promises and He has restored my marriage and both my wife and I have grown immensely in our own walk with God. We are not perfect, nor do we have a "perfect marriage," but we DO have a marriage where our love for each other has been reestablished stronger than ever and that is centered in God. Both of us have taken different, and at differing rates, paths back. But God's "marriage triangle" is faithful and true. With God as the head, the "distance" between husband and wife MUST shorten as we each "get closer to God" in our individual walk. There is NO WAY that it cannot happen when we both submit to God's Lordship and humbly submit to God in obedience to His commands.

So there IS hope. It is the hope of God's faithfulness to His promises to His children. That is the "essence" of Romans 8:28. God promises that He WILL use all the circumstances in our lives to work good that brings Him honor and glory, for those who are walking with Him in love.

God bless and grant you His peace and strength to rest in Him and to do His will in your life.

Thank you so much for all of your advice and prayers. I sent my husband a "good bye" letter. My faith in God is so strong right now. I know that God is going to bless me. I also look forward to how he will use me to help other people.

I decided that as much as I love my husband, I cannot make him want to stay in the marriage. We both know what God wants us to do but he also has free will. Everyone including the Pastor, his mother and father, his best friend, etc. has talked to him and he is still making the same decision. So, if he chooses to turn his back on God and on our marriage then I can't stop him. He just does not see any other way because he does not feel that the relationship is going to work. I will continue to pray for him.

This is the KEY point. He continues to place his "feelings" ahead of his humble obedience to God regardless of what he might be feeling. In essence, he believes God is a liar, just as Satan told Eve.

NO ONE coming out of an affair, or a decision to put their feelings ahead of God, "feels like" there is "hope" or a "light at the end of the tunnel" initially, not the Wayward Spouse nor the Faithful Spouse. They DO what is required out of OBEDIENCE simply because the LORD has commanded them. We do NOT have to "like" what God commands, but as His servants we only have the right to obey, not to disregard and/or disobey.




Of course you can't. "Wanting" to stay in the marriage is an emotional response that FOLLOWS the decision to obey God regardless of how one might be feeling "now." In short, your husband does not trust God.



Yes, we do have "Free Will." But "Free Will" that is innate in all humans is NOT capable of choosing God or doing good. When someone is brought to belief (by God) in Jesus and acceptance of Jesus as Lord and Savior, God CHANGES ("new creation") the person, and their "Free Will" to ENABLE them to choose godly obedience. It is one of the reasons I contend that one who has been truly saved CANNOT run indefinately from God, because they have the indwelling Holy Spirit who WILL convict them of their sin.

If your husband truly "KNOWS" what God wants done in your situation, then he has no option other than to submit to God. God does NOT give His children "rocks" to eat, He gives them His unbreakable promises AS WE walk in His Lordship of our lives. It is a PROMISE of God to His children, and God is faithful to ALL of His promises.

That DOES NOT mean that obedience "feels easy." It often does not. But again, the "feeling" is NOT the issue. Obedience is the issue, to THE ONE who DID NOT FEEL LIKE DIEING ON THE CROSS FOR MY SINS, the one who pleaded with the Father THREE times to NOT have to endure the Cross, yet who submitted HIS will to the Father's will, out of humble obedience to and love for the Father, and US. Your husband's "feelings," if you'll pardon me, PALE in comparison to what God has already done for him (and for you and me and for all believers).



No, you are correct, you cannot stop him. That is God's "job" if your husband is one of God's elect. I told my wife that SHE would be the one to have to file for divorce because I would not. You may not "feel" a similar level of commitment to your marriage or think that your husband has responed "quickly enough," and YOU HAVE THAT RIGHT. Jesus gave you that right, the right to a divorce for adultery.

Remember, too, that a Matthew 18:15-20 intervention MAY NOT be met with repentance immediately. It is but "one way" that God "turns up the heat" on a willfully sinning believer. But it does make it crystal clear the COMMUNITY of believers stands on God's principles and not the "world's principles" that the "I" is preeminant and "above God."

IF he is not a believer, then you also have the Pauline "permission" to "let the unbeliever go" if they WILL NOT (there's that Free Will that is incapable of 'doing good') stay with you AS IF they were a believer, fulfilling God's commands for husbands, even though do not share your faith.




One last time, it is NOT about feelings. It is about obedience to God. Period. As a Christian, there is no other "good" option.

YOUR "option" is one of perseverence and "waiting on the Lord," if you choose that option. That is because you DO have the option of divorce, but in my humble opinion, you may not have given it "enough time."




There is nothing wrong in a "good bye" letter. But I do wonder how strong your faith in God is and your commitment to YOUR wedding vows. It does not appear to me that you have "given it enough time," or "done all that you can do." It appears to be more connected to an emotional reaction (i.e., the desire to 'throw in the towel'). I understand those feelings INTIMATELY because I "got close" to tossing in the towel several times during our 4 years in recovery, starting with a realization that you articulated earlier; "I cannot 'force' a change in her heart, that is up to God." What kept me "in the game" was God's promises to "be there" through it all, to trust Him to know what is needed and when it is needed and how long the whole process will take.

I would urge you to "take two steps back from the precipice" and "wait on the Lord." Your husband now knows that you are "willing to cut him loose." It wasn't until I reached that same point with my wife that SHE began to really feel and see the impact of her CHOICES. The same may be true for your recalcitrant husband, but "only time will tell." Will you give God "some time?"

(((((minwife)))))

God bless and keep you in His arms.

I am considering moving back into my house. I have not discussed this with my husband yet. I know that I just sent him a good bye letter but the stress of commuting and living between two houses is getting the best of me. If he decides to move out that is fine. I have decided that I need to make things easier for myself. I have not decided what I am going to do about my marriage yet. I am meeting with my spiritual guidance counselor and my attorney this week just to weigh my options.

I spent this weekend praying and fasting and God has not told me anything different. He has not told me to file for divorce. I asked him again to intervene in my situation. I'm not sure what he will reveal to me. I feel more at peace and whatever the outcome, I am ready. My attitude has changed about this situation. I realized that I can't let this get the best of me. It has really taken a toll on me and I had to release it. I have completely turned this over to God.

The WS is babbling and your H is scared for his life. You can see that he isn't being himself.

The A does strange things to our loved ones. Mine told our elders (they came over within 24 hours of d/d), he told them he knew it was wrong (obviously) but that he wasn't sorry for what he was doing and would not stop.


I was shocked and quite upset. The elders who knew H from his teens were equally shocked and disappointed. Yet they knew the pattern and while their objective was to help, they refused to help the WS. They only choose to help H who at that time wasn't around. So in our case, H was disfellowshipped and his return/recovery is still a work in progress.

My point is like yourself, you have to realize that you do not need to give up your life for the WS. Instead move back home and protect what belongs to you and your family. That's right protect it from the WS who is a ragin maniac.

Protect it and if your H chooses to return, he will have a family to return to. If you decide to protect it and have the D, that w/b your choice and no one would fault you for it.

You will continue to see sightings of your H. His actions will confuse himself and others around him.

It is good his family is providing you with support. Work with them and tell them you appreciate their support for you know it is hard to know how to deal with a WS. Let them know about what you have read and if they want to come here and it is ok with you, we can help them also.

Right now I am working with H's family who is providing support to BIL and NOT H's WS sister. So I understand about family's supporting the BS.

I would also let my supporters know that I will listen to their suggestions and then ask them to respect your decisions because you are not able to tell all to all. RE: Not all can handle all info and you shouldn't be telling all to everyone anyway. Even so, they can know enough to provide you with support.

Hope this helps,
L.

I called my husband yesterday to let him know that I was thinking about moving back. We decided to meet tomorrow. He said that if we are going to get a separation or divorce then we need to make a decision. I asked him why he said "if" because I thought that the divorce was what he wanted. He said it was and that we just needed to talk about it. Are there any thoughts on how I should prepare for this meeting?

minwife, the "best" advice I can give you is to prepare yourself with Scripture. Do not argue and fight with your husband, let the clear Word of God speak for God. The FACT that is clear from the Word of God is that unrepentant adulterers WILL NOT be in heaven and are therefore destined for He11 and NOT saved. Prepare to tell him that your primary concern for him is the "condition of his soul" and that you will continue loving him despite anything that he does, but you will not live with someone who is defiantly sinning against God.

Make it clear, in a loving way, that the "line" is WITH God or WITHOUT God for you as the PRIMARY concern and that if it requires you to sacrifice your marriage, you will still stand with God simply because you have no other choice that honors the sacrifice that Jesus Christ made for us.

God bless.

Thanks again for all of your support and prayers. My marriage has come to an end. I met with my husband today and told him that I was standing for my marriage. He said okay if that's what you want to do. I am filing for divorce. He is seeing someone else. He says that it is a different person from the original affair. This person is a member at our church. She also asked me a few months ago if I knew of any men that I could set her up with. I was so naive in trying to help her find a mate when she already had her eyes on my husband.

I am absolutely, positively certain that this is what God wants me to do. This man apparently has never loved me and obviously does not have any respect for me. I deserve so much more than this. He said that he has been praying but his attitude does not reflect that.

I am moving back home until the divorce is final. He will probably move out and that is fine with me but I could never have imagined that someone could be so mean. It hurts to know that there are so many wonderful people who are praying for spouses who don't appreciate them. I admire the people who have the strength to keep standing for months and years for a spouse who could be so cruel. I pray that these wayward spouses will realize the pain that they are causing their spouse. It is so disappointing to know that people walk away from their spouses and children because of their own selfish reasons.

After what God has revealed to me today, I am certain that this is the right decision for me.

Thanks again to all of you!!

You should expose this OW at church and let the church deal with her and WH both from a christian/church "standpoint". Both should get help from the pastor, deacons, etc and if they will not give up their active affair should be asked to leave the church.

You sound so much better than you did when you came here. Regardless of how this ultimately turns out (and it isn't over even though it seems that way) God is going to stand by you and protect you.

(((((minwife)))))

How well I understand the pain and the way you feel. I would venture that all Betrayed Spouses have felt the same way and been tempted to remove the source of the pain from their lives.

However, if you also truly believe what you said in the above quotation, then you must STAND for ALL of God as has been revealed to us in the Scripture.



Here is where I get "righteous anger" and tell you that you are REQUIRED by God to involve the leadership of your church in this matter. Matthew 18:15-20 is NOT a suggestion. It is a command from Jesus to believers. It begins with the one who has been "sinned against," and it progresses to the "full membership of believers" as part of their accountability to each other and to God.

While you have the God granted right to a divorce because of your husband's adultery, I would urge you to "not get ahead of God." As painful as it may feel, WAIT on the Lord, wait for the entire process of Matthew 18:15-20 to work on your husband, wait even beyond that if you believe that your husband is a backslidden believer and never did truly believe in Jesus Christ as his personal Savior and Lord.

You can, and it is consistant with Matthew 18:15-20 and Titus 3:10-11, establish a "Plan B" separation from your husband to both protect yourself and to give God time to either convict him of his sin or reveal him as a "false" believer who NEVER was saved.




Be certain that this IS God speaking to you and not Satan whispering in your ear that "God didn't really mean what He said."

God bless.

I will wait on God. However, my husband is in the process of filing for divorce. He is certain that he does not want to be with me. He is so mean to me and for no reason has so much anger. I am very kind to him and he talks to me like he never knew me. At this point I feel that I am just waiting until the divorce is final. He told me that the marriage is over and he has not changed his mind about how he feels for me. He does not want to be with me anymore and he does not know why I don't understand this. He does not feel any remorse for what he is doing. He feels justified in what he is doing. He thinks this is the best thing for him. He even says that he is praying. He has this book of God's promises that he has been reading every day. Apparently the other woman is helping him to restore his relationship with God. He obviously does not need me for anything.

I have to suffer the pain of seeing the other woman at church on Sundays. No one else is suffering but me. My husband is happy with his life and has moved on. It seems like the longer I stand the more I have to suffer. Does God really want me to suffer like this?

Why does your church allow admitted adulterer to come to church and act like everything is great and right with the world? AND why do you choose to attend a church that would allow this without confrontation?

(((((minwife))))) - The obvious answer is "no." Sometimes God allows things to happen for reasons that are not apparent to us while we are going through them, and sometimes we may never no the "why" until we are with the Lord in heaven. BUT we do know that God is not the author of sin and evil and that we have His promise that He is with us even as we endure the evils that befall us. This is the "attitude" that Job "modeled" for us, in that no matter what happens in our lives God remains the same God who DIED for us while we ourselves were lost in our own sins and totally separated from Him.


You did not really respond my last post to you, so I am going to reiterate some of it because this IS part of God's plan to help you through this time of trial and tribulation in your life.




That "No one else is suffering but me " tells me either the other "brothers and sisters" in your church are unaware of the affair (seems unlikely if both you, your husband AND the OW are attending the same church) or the "culture" of your church is decidedly NOT one that believes in the Scriptures. If it is the latter, then you need to leave that church and find one that does.

In addition, it is OBVIOUS that the leadership of the church, beginning with the Pastor, do NOT believe in the authority of Scripture either, or are so "weak" that they should not be in a position of leadership.

A church leadership DOES NOT ALLOW willful blatant sin against God's commands to go "unanswered" and "tolerated" within the body of believers. FAILURE to confront blantant, willful, sin with God's clear commands is DANGEROUS for both the sinner and the body.

Let me make it perfectly clear. God's COMMAND for "church discipline" is contained in Matthew 18:15-20. As with all of God's command, "ignore them at your own peril."

Revelation speaks about churches and includes warnings to them that they really need to heed, and it sounds as though your church is in need of some warning.

That your husband wants to "reinterpret Scripture" to allow him to sin is "understandable" because Sin and Scripture are incompatible. Those are God's commands, not suggestions. Those are God's rules, and God, not us, is Sovereign. It DOES NOT MATTER if we "like" something that God has said or not, our ONLY responsibility as a believer, saved by the GRACE of God, is to OBEY God's commands.



For a Christian to NOT feel remorse when they are made aware of blatant sin that they are committing against God is indicative that they DO NOT have the Holy Spirit indwelling them. IF they do not have the Holy Spirit, they are NOT saved and ARE a child of SATAN, not a child of God. It IS that "plain and simple."



Justified by whom? Certain NOT justified by God. "Thou shalt NOT commit adultery" is God's "position" on adultery in general and in your husband's actions in particular. So his "justification" is NOT from God. A Christian who is not justified by God is NOT justified. Period.



The mind of man. Here is the "best" thing for him no matter what he "thinks" or "feels."

Jesus replied, [color:"red"]"If anyone loves me, he will obey my teaching. My Father will love him, and we will come to him and make our home with him. He who does not love me will not obey my teaching. These words you hear are not my own; they belong to the Father who sent me." [/color] (John 14:23-24, emphasis added)

Someone asked him, "Lord, are only a few people going to be saved?"
He said to them, [color:"red"]"Make every effort to enter through the narrow door, because many, [/b]I tell you[/b], will try to enter and will not be able to. Once the owner of the house gets up and closes the door, you will stand outside knocking and pleading, 'Sir, open the door for us.'
"But he will answer, 'I don't know you or where you come from.'
"Then you will say, 'We ate and drank with you, and you taught in our streets.'
"But he will reply, 'I don't know you or where you come from. Away from me you evildoers!'
"There will be weeping there, and gnashing of teeth, when you see Abraham, Isaac and Jacob and all the prophets in the kingdom of God, but you yourselves thrown out. [/color] (Luke 13:23-28, emphasis added)



That may make him feel better, if he REALLY is praying. But God does not hear the prayers of the wicked. God hears the prayers of the faithful who pray for God's will to be done in their lives, not for God's "blessing" of evil and outright contempt for God's commands and teaching. THEY are deluded and will be found "knocking at the door," thinking that they "earned" a place in heaven by "going through the motions" of what "looks like" a Christian should. The "action, or act, of prayer" may impress other human onlookers, but it does nothing for God. God does NOT need our prayers. We are commanded to pray for our own benefit, not for God's benefit. God looks into our hearts for truth, not the vile twistings that spew from our mouths when we are wrapped up in unrepentent sin.



It's wonderful that he has such a book. But God's promises are ONLY for the faithful, not for the faithful, unless it is God's promise that the unsaved, unrepentant, followers of Satan WILL be in eternal punishment in He11 and WILL NOT be with God in heaven.




Let's get this straight, a woman who is an adultress and actively involved in adultery with your husband is going to try to help someone "restore their relationship with God?" Are you kidding? How insane and ludicrous is that?

The "blind" attempting to lead the "blind!"

Here is how you help some who IS a Christian that has fallen into sin to restore his/her relationship with God...repent of the sin and leave it. This is precisely WHY Jesus gave us Matthew 18:15-20.

As Cain asked God, "Am I my brothers' keeper?" Yes we are, and we cannot turn a blind eye to sin that endangers our brother.

minwife, have you met with the Pastor and the Elders of your church and exposed what is going on with your husband and with this other woman in the church? Have you asked for the leadership to take a stand for God and for the body in upholding church discipline as instructed in Matthew 18?

If not, do it immediately. If there is any response other than "As for us and our house, we will OBEY the Lord," leave and find another church that does not "play" at being followers of Christ.

God bless.

Minwife-

Your thread confuses me sometimes. Its probably me, but it does. My wife had an affair with a minister who did work in the church. Once discovered, I went to the pastor and the wayward minister was put on probation by the higher authorities in the church with a directive to work on the marriage or lose his ministry. Eventually, the church authorities recognized that things were not getting better and they, without warning, de-ordained (if that is the right word) him.

The church leadership made that decision and no one has questioned it other than the de-ordained minister. Obviously, this is not your situation and I do not want to say that what happened in my situation was the only correct action. But, I am still confused by what is happening in your situation and church.

Maduro

minwife - here is something you may want to print out and give to your husband to read as he prepares to pray to God for guidance.


"My son, pay attention to my wisdom, listen well to my words of insight, that you may maintain discretion and your lips may preserve knowledge.

For the lips of an adulteress drip honey, and her speech is smoother than oil; but in the end she is bitter as gall, sharp as a double-edged sword.

Her feet go down fo death; her steps lead straight to the grave. She gives no thought to the way of life; her paths are crooked, but she knows it not.

Now then, my sons, listen to me; do not turn aside from what I say. Keep to a path far from her, do not go near the door of her house, lest you give your best strength to others and your years to one who is cruel, lest strangers feast on your wealth and your toil enrich another man's house.

At the end of your life you will groan, when your flesh and body are spent. You will say, "How I hated discipline! How my heart spurned correction! I would not obey my teachers or listen to my instructors. I have come to the brink of utter ruin in the midst of the whole assembly."

Drink water from your own cistern, running water from your own well.

Should your springs overflow in the streets, your streams of water in the public squares? Let them be yours alone, never to be shared with strangers.

May your fountain be blessed, and may you rejoice in the wife of your youth. A loving doe, a graceful deer - mayh her breasts satisfy you always, may you ever be captivated by her love.

Why be captivated, my son, by and adulteress? Why embrace the bosom of another man's wife?

For a man's ways are in full view of the LORD, and he examines all his paths.

The evil deeds of a wicked man ensnare him; the cords of his sin hold him fast. He will die for lack of discipline, led astray by his own great folly." (Proverbs 5, emphasis added)

Minwife:

Let me address the "secular" side of what you're suffering.

Your husband is having an affair. Biochemically speaking, an affair triggers very powerful brain chemistry that mimics the high (and low) of drug addiction. Simply put, your husband is acting like an addict. And being married to an addict is no picnic either---it's a rollercoaster. The addict will seem sweet and loving one minute, repentant the next, and then a monster that you don't recognize. In dealing with affairs, you must be aware that it will be an emotional rollercoaster for you, and you do your best if you "act", and not react. Be the thermostat, not a thermometer.

You need to figure your "fight" for this marriage is going to last a while. More than a month. Or two. Probably you should figure on 6-12 months. You need a plan---and Marriagebuilders offers a very good one (and the Harley's are not only terrific behavioral psychologists and marriage counselors, they're devout Christians as well). You have essentially exposed the affair to your husband, your husband's coworkers, and hopefully to his family as well. That's good---it's part of the MB plan. There are other issues that you might want to consider addressing---and I would suggest that you call or email the Harley's for phone counseling (888-639-1639 for appointments, if it's still the same...).

I would certainly suggest that you stay in your home. That you read about Plan A (and B) in Surviving an Affair, and learn about specifics from the phone counseling. I would offer that you should be in a plan A right now---even though your husband isn't responding the way you would like, he needs to see that you are committed to the marriage and a safe haven for him. His affair is likely to end badly (affairs are based on fantasy and rarely survive long after exposure to the light of day). As with any addict, he will crash after his drug of choice has been taken from him. He will lash out at you, and he will be depressed beyond belief in those moments of clarity where he can see what he has done himself. At some point after, he needs to realize what he has done---and he may come back to you if he realizes your steadfast, faithful, non-reactive love for him and your willingness to stand for the marriage under these tremendous pressures.

God loves you very much. He doesn't enjoy your suffering, but he sent his son to us in part to demonstrate to us how to deal with suffering, pain, and injustice. You need to use Jesus's faith and love as a template for your actions right now---you can be loving to your husband without condoning one iota of his behavior. It's a difficult path that you're on now. I believe it will be more difficult for your husband, eventually. You're a victim in this, he's the perpetrator. But you can get through this---this is no different a situation than the millions of affairs before this.

Give the Harley's a call. They will be very helpful. And as a practical piece of advice, I would suggest not educating your husband with scripture right now. Let your church elders do this, but your educating him will come across poorly. He's not ready to hear the word of God.

(((((minwife)))))


Has the pastor been told about this new person? has your husband and this woman been taken before the church? Whether you want to end the church or not, you do have a duty as a Christian to report this!!


Report her.


God does NOT hear prayers from those in rebellion to Him. He does not hear your husband! He can pray all day...but it will do him no good. I will say it again...God will never hear prayers from those in rebellion to Him. He only hears the prayers of those that follow Him and live in obedience.

On is divorce what God wants. Minwife, please listen to me. God does not want you to divorce your husband. He doesnt. God said in Malachi "I hate divorce." All divorces. For all reasons! He is the God of reconciliation, of second chances.

That being said, He does understand where you are at. And He has "allowd" you to divorce if you choose. But I want to tell you something someone told me early on in my situation. He told me that if I was waiting for God to tell me to divorce my wife, I would be waiting a long time. Because God will not tell me to divorce her. It is my choice to do so...not His. He does not choose divorce. And God will never tell you to divorce your husband. He will allow it. You will not be held in violation of His law because of it. But a divorce is NOT His will!

I found that I could have divorced my wife at any time during my mess...and I would have been okay. God would have provided me a new life. But by divorcing, by taking the easier and wider path...I would have also missed out on many blessings that He had for me if I would just trust Him and follow the narrow path. Sure, it has been hard. Extremely hard. I have made it half as far as Hosea did. And I have found many, many blessings that I would never have gotten if I took the easy way out. And...He also rewarded my obedience and suffering with my wife returning.


It is. Please do not give up the prayers here for your husband. And please do not hesitate to to take all of this to the church and ask for church discipline to be enforced. God has a way of dealing with all of this. He outlined it in Scripture. Please make sure you continue to follow what He has said.


I think God may be telling you to separate. That is Biblical! He may be trying to get you out of the way, as He begins to work on your husband. To save you from the pain that he is inflicting upon you. And to save you from the pain of seeing what God is about to lay on your husband. it aint gonna be pretty!

But, again, I do know that God does not want divorces. He allows them, in your case. If you cannot make it, then its okay. But I wouldnt be in a rush to divorce right now, if I were you. Separation and letting the Lord do His work may yield results you never thought of.

But if you rashly head out and divorce, you may miss out on many blessings that you will receive from Him by going thru this valley with Him.

And you also will be helping to save a man who is in a seriously bad position with God. Your husband is in grave danger. God is deadly serious about these things.

Please think about these things, Minwife. I will continue my prayers.

How can she restore his realtionship with God. God is against both of them!! They are having NOTHING to do with God!


No you do not!!! Go to the church leadership and give them the info and make sure they start doing Biblical discipline as outlined in Matthew. If they dont? Then they also will be in violation of Scripture and the Lord will not be pleased with them.[/quote]

No one else is suffering but me. My husband is happy with his life and has moved on. It seems like the longer I stand the more I have to suffer. Does God really want me to suffer like this? [/quote]

He doesnt want you to suffer. But unfortunately, due to your husband's choices, you must. Even if you leave and divorce him, there is suffering. But God promised you that He would take care of you. "Sometimes He calms the storm...sometimes He calms His child in the storm." You have to trust Him, Minwife.

My husband filed for divorce on Feb. 1. This was the most emotional day for both of us. He apologized for everything that he put me through. He said that he feels numb and is having a hard time processing his emotions. He is not happy but hopes that he will be happier as time goes on. He does not understand how I could still want him after everything that he has done to me. I told him that God has allowed me to forgive him. It seems that he is taking this harder than I am. He said that this whole experience has been very difficult for him. He said that he just did not want to work on the marriage. He did not give any other explanation so I left it at that. I have done everything that I can do and sometimes God's answer is "no". So, by April 1 I will be officially divorced. I am looking forward to what God has for me. I do not regret the stand that I took for my marriage. I will walk away knowing that I tried everything to save my marriage.

I suggest you talk to your pastor about the adulteress attending your church. Someone needs to stand up to this sin that is going on right during church services.

Minwife,

In addition to believer's suggestion (they definitely need to be outed at church), I would suggest that you continue to stand for the marriage. This affair is going perfectly according to script---and the bottom line is that if you are willing to forgive and work in recovery, this marriage is more than salvagable.

1. Call the Harleys. They will help you with a plan.

2. Your husband will call the Harley's. That's always part of the plan.

3. Wait it out. Do nothing to assist with the divorce. Your husband is looking for the lowest energy way to deal with this mess of his, and you should "help" him to exert the most energy possible to "earn" his divorce. Not to slither away.

I'll pray for you and your marriage. God bless.

I'm not sure what has happened with my husband and his ministry. I know that he is still on staff but my husband is also very good at downplaying his involvement with the other woman. He has probably told the pastor that it is not as serious as I am making it seem. He probably told the pastor that they are just friends. I have mentioned it to the pastor but I have not heard anything else about it since then. He may be doing something behing the scenes with my husband that I am not aware of. My husband would never tell me that the pastor has talked to him. I have been very low key lately because I don't want to be embarrassed by all of this. The key people have been informed of the situation but I'm not sure what has happened. I know that he still has his job but I'm not sure if he still has his ministry. It is very exhausting to continue to fight this battle. I am trying to focus on healing myself. My husband's mind is made up and now that he has initiated the divorce then there isn't anything else that I can do. I have received the copy of the divorce papers and a waiver that needs to be signed so that I do not have to be served papers. My next step is to sign the papers and have them filed at the courthouse. I will comply. My husband thinks that he wants this and there is nothing else that I can do. I will just have to go along with the process.

What I have realized is that no matter what I do, the end result is going to be the same. If God wants me to be with my husband, he will put us together. If God takes my husband away then he has a better plan for me. I continue to pray for my husband and our marriage. I pray that God's will be done. I know that God knows what is best for both of us.

Listen to K. He is an expert. You will feel much better if you continue standing for your marriage. Do not be embarrassed. God HATES divorce.

minwife - If you don't want to be married to your husband, then sign the papers and be done with the marriage.

BUT, if you really would like to see your husband repent and return to the marriage do NOT sign anything. Make it as hard as you can for your husband to divorce you.

I get the sense that you don't like conflict and that you place "embarrasement" on too high of a level. It is NOT you who should be embarrassed, it is your husband.

You need to STAND for God, and that includes opposing your husband's attempts to deceive everyone and willfully sin against God.

If you want to save your marriage, then your focus needs to shift from "self" to your husband's soul. If you love him, will you let him slide into perdition without a "fight," a "struggle for his soul?"

Now is not the time to fold up your tent and go home. Now is your time to prepare for a pitched battle with Satan over your husband's soul. Don't you think that Mary might have felt a little "embarrassed" to be pregnant without first having been married to Joseph? But she knew that "embarrassment" was a "small price to pay" for humble submission to God's will and for standing in obedience to God's commands and teaching.

Be willing to stand for God and to enlist the aid, not just the sympathy and prayers of others who know Christ. God's Word gives you the "sword" and God's strength gives you the ability to "do everything through him (Christ) who gives me (his) strength."

Meet with Pastor. Get all the facts and ask him to stand on his obligation to God in Matthew 18:15-20.

Make it plain that your husband needs to repent to God and that forgiveness awaits him.

God bless.

Go above your pastor, its a shame that this happens in a church

Minwife - in addition to what FH has said, let me add.....

1. God HAS ALREADY put you together
2. God Hates divorce and does not have divorce in his plans for you.
3. God does have something better - a loving marriage with your husband.

It is within your rights to divorce him - but this needs to be your choice, not you feeling like you are forced to do it. And please spare me dressing this up as God's will - it clearly isn't.

What exposure of this affair have you done in your church? I would say almost none if he is still working there.

You are not powerless in this. You can turn this around by taking positive action. Lying back and letting events overtake you is not goingto get the job done any better now than it has in the past. This is a time to exercise your faith, gird your loins and FIGHT!!

Minwife,

You have said that your H is very good at downplaying his involvement w/ OW. But I have to ask...what reason is he giving the leadership of the church for his filing for divorce. Scripture is very clear that there is only one valid reason for divorce and even then, God would prefer that things be restored instead.

Please, Minwife, heed the advice you are being given here. Do NOT just lie down and wait for all of this to be over; the outcome will not be very good if you do. Go to the leadership of the church and make a fuss. Create a scene that must be addressed. If you do not expose this to the church, you are not only giving up your marriage, but also allowing an adulterer to be in a position of authority in the church.

BTW, when I say "make a fuss" and "create a scene" I mean to do so in a calm, calculated manor that leaves no possibility for misinterpretation on the part of those present. You don't need to be a screaming shrew, but please don't just roll over and let this pass.

Mark

Minwife,

To reiterate: God has already put you and your husband together. God has brought you to this site. Take advantage of the advice and techniques offered here, and fight for your marriage.

And from a practical view---you would do very well to get coaching from the Harley's. It is worth every penny---they will help motivate you, explain and clarify the situation you face, and be with you on this journey. It's so important to have a coach who cares, who knows, and who understands the situation and can help develop a gameplan with you (is the Super Bowl on today? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />).

Seriously---I worked with Steve many years ago. It was one of the best decisions I ever made in my life.

God bless you...

((minwife))

I feel for what you are going through.

I do agree with those here who say you need to go to the church leadership and let them deal with the fact that your WH has filed divorce papers. They need to be able to follow through biblically to keep their church aligned with God's teachings. You aren't doing anything wrong by letting them know.

Sometimes the things we need to do to obey God are scary.
But His promises are true. You won't do it alone.

I understand your hurt and confusion. I cling to the truth that God gave us free will. He didn't make this happen to us, but He allows others to make their own choices. Sometimes those choices cause others pain. His promise is that He will make all things "work together for good" if we turn it over to Him.

God hurts for you too.

minwife,

The up and down feelings you are having are very normal. One day you have the strength to stand up and say "NO, I will not let the enemy rob me of my M." The next you are ready to give in and quit fighting. I felt like this a lot at first. I feel like I am more even now, but there are still those "days".

I want to encourage you to BE STILL! WAIT! God is still in control. He does desire for restoration to take place. Just because your WH is driving down the wrong road does not mean that you should pack his bags and give him gas money for the journey. STAND FIRM! God is faithful.

God is also a BIG God. We often forget that He created the universe. Nothing is too difficult for Him. We often don't realize that we are settling for a drop of water when God has the oceans at His command. He can do MIRACLES.

Do not give up...STAND FIRM!

You are recieving very wise counsel here..don't let it pass you by.

IHC

Hello all,

Just wanted to update you on what has been going on in my life. My divorce will be final this month. I have had very little communication with my husband. He cannot even look me in the eye when he is speaking to me. He is still living with his mother and I am in the process of moving to my new place. Even though I have gone to the Pastor of my church, nothing has been done. I don't even think that anyone has even tried to minister to my husband. I continue to pray for him everyday because I feel that if I don't then no one will. My husband is still dating the woman that he left our marriage for (even though he says that is not the reason we were having problems in our marriage). She is a member of the church and to people who know me, it is very obvious that something is going on. She is always around him, she tries to sit with my husband's family during service and has also tried to be friends with my friends. I think that my husband has pointed her to the key people so that they can approve of her. I found out that my husband preached last Sunday on salvation. When I heard that he was preaching, that help me confirm that I was making the right decision to leave the church. I am very disappointed in the Pastor of my previous church because he allowed a known adulter to preach in his church. I don't think that my husband has been convicted. I don't think that he has asked for repentance. Actually, I'm not exactly sure what conviction looks like. What I do know is that he does not see anything wrong with what he is doing. My friend told me that he looks happy and there was something strange about that to her. I am so afraid for my husband. It scares me that he thinks all of this is okay and just a part of life.

I am still feeling sad about the divorce but I have been working with a support group that is helping me get through the infidelity issue. I have days when I feel like God has forgotten about me. I feel like I have been suffering for so long and it doesn't seem like the pain is going away. Then I hear about how happy my husband is. He makes me feel like I was standing in the way of his happiness.

So, I am taking one day at a time. I hope that the hard part is over and now I can look forward to how God will use me to help other people.

((minwife))

Thanks for the update. I think you are absolutely doing the right thing by praying for your WH, switching churches, and seeking support.

By tolerating someone who is actively involved in unrepentant sin in a ministry position of any kind, your former church is showing that they are unwilling to follow God's word outlined in 1 Timothy 3 for church leadership. That's a place you don't want to be. Whatever their reasons, it isn't biblical.

As far as any one reaching out to your WH, you may not ever know how many have tried. Perhaps your WH is ignoring them. Perhaps God is setting things and people in place for when that time comes. I know how frustrating it is when your WH has a call from God and you know they have willingly walked out of God's will. I'm in the same place with my WH. Just when I had given up hope that my WH's heart was open to God's leading, I learned through my BIL that another former minister who is now back working construction for the same reasons had a talk with my WH. WH told this man he couldn't forgive himself. The former min ended up at a jobsite where my BIL was superintendent and let him know what he had said and heard. Even though my WH refused to hear what this man offered him (a reminder of God's forgiveness) I was reassured that God is still putting people in WH's life even though he has cut himself off from all family and friends who knew him before.

The biggest thing to remember is that your WH is God's Prodigal, not yours. Even Jonah got spit back up on shore.

Keep praying for him. Pray that God's will be done in his life. Let God decide what that looks like. Once I got to that point in my prayers for my WH I was able to release him to God's capable care and discipline.

Two books that really helped me when things were so hard for me were When He Leaves. It's written by two Christian women who have been through this too. Another one that helped was In Every Pew Sits a Broken Heart by Billy Graham's daughter.

I too will be D this week. I've also switched churches. My DS15 was ready to go to a different youth group. It's the church where I went to DivorceCare so I already know people there.

I'm glad you are looking forward to letting God use this experience to help others. He will. I've seen that already in my life. Even before all this chaos had calmed down, I invited to women from my old church to the support group with me.

A verse for you as you look towards the future.

"Praise be to the God and Father of our Lord Jesus Christ, the Father of compassion and the God of all comfort, who comforts us in all our troubles,so that we can comfort those in any trouble with the comfort that we ourselves have received from God." 2 Cor 1:3-4

Blessings on you.

Good Morning Minwife -

I don't think I have posted to you before, but let me say that I have read your sitch and I am so sorry to hear of what you are going through.

My XW and I were heavily involved in our church and active Christians, having raised our kids in a conservative Christian home. It was her who lead me to the Lord some 30 years ago.

Of her 2 EA's, the first was with a man in our church.

Let me say that the power of denial can be much, much stronger than one would imagine. The justification of why it's okay...and the denial that anything is wrong with the actions of the WS can be mindboggling.

With me....I had always trusted XW so much that I began to believe that she was right..there was nothing wrong with her actions and I was the one wrong. I began to take on her warped sense of reasoning....

It is for this reason that I am writing to you today. You say:

"Then I hear about how happy my husband is. He makes me feel like I was standing in the way of his happiness."

Don't believe it for a moment and don't allow your foundation to be undermined. You have been a faithful and supportive wife to a man who said he was called by God. If he is happier now it is because he is validating that Satan comes to us as an angel of light....hence the beauty of temptation. However...you and I both know (as Christians) that his new-found happiness will be temporal and the mortgage payment on his new lease on life will come due...and he will not be able to sustain his facade in the long haul.

Don't allow yourself to be sucked into his illusion. Let him own it...you stand firm on your solid ground.

I think my XW is now fairly miserable as (it seems to me) most WS's end up.

Keep the faith...

Georgia