My wife a lesbian? - 02/09/07 01:07 AM
I met my wife-to-be in a lesbian chat room of all places. Yeah, that was stupid thinking back on all this, but I did it just out of curiosity, and simply just for fun. Heck I was single! In any case, I started talking to a girl and we became friends. There was no ulterior motive on my part. Heck she was supposedly a lesbian, so I didn’t even give it a second thought. But, I thought she was a great person otherwise, so we struck up a friendship. The feeling must have been mutual because she wanted to be friends as well. In any case, as our friendship progressed, she started to open up and started telling me that she does in fact like men. This peeked my curiosity. Now, I have to clear something up. This friendship was purely long-distance. We only talked via telephone and email because she lived out of state. This continued for several months until she had to go back home. She was from another country and was here in the US only for a job. I guess what brought this friendship together in the first place is that I’m also from the same country. So we had some cultural things in common. I’ll try to make this as short and thorough as possible, because it is a long and complicated story.
The relationship started changing between us after she left. She started telling me that she felt less and less attraction for women and was no longer feeling comfortable with this. I visited her several times after she went back home and on one of those visits friendship turned in to love. She actually lived with her parents and when I visited her I stayed in their house. We fell in love. Heck, her parents were even crazy about me as well. Since our relationship now grew into something much deeper, she no longer had any feelings or desires for women. To make a long story short, several months later she came here to the US and we got married. Everything was great until about six to eight months after the marriage. I have read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts in great detail, I almost know it by heart, so NOW, I know what went wrong and why, but at that time I had no clue that things were going to ******. Thinking back this was classic! Everyday life just got to us. We didn’t know how to manage our marriage correctly. Poor communication, spending less and less time with each other, not willing and even knowing how to address each others emotional needs, etc…..we fell out of love.
I suppose this all started because of my ever decreasing libido. My sexual desires started dwindling. Before, sex was almost everyday, later it was less and less frequent. Being a young and energetic woman, she needed it more and I was not giving it to her. I know now that it was stress related. But not knowing the problem then, or trying to live in denial, hoping that things will somehow fix themselves, the situation got worse and worse, until I started to discover that she was having an EA with another woman. An internet affair. The girl was from our home country, so because of the distance there was no threat of a PA. I obviously was angry and very disappointed. I started trusting her less, but forgave her. Things were not changing between us, our problems were not being addressed still. That summer we went to visit her family back home. Due to work constraints I could not stay long, but she was in college (still is), so she had the summer off. She stayed an additional week. About a month after the trip, I later found out through her sister that she used that week to visit in person that OW. This devastated me, but I did confront her. She did not deny it but said that nothing happened. Both her parents and that OW parents actually got involved as well. They confirmed that it was impossible for anything physical to happen because they were always in their presence. Regardless, whether it was a PA or EA, it did happen. A line was crossed! I almost threw her out. It was an intense time. She promised not to do it again. I somehow got over it. Never forgot it though. There was now very little trust left. But we continued to live our lives, not much changed. She continued to blame me for our problems saying that it’s because she was not getting any sex. I was ashamed of the situation because I thought that I could not satisfy my wife. I kept thinking that it was almost justified what she did. But for some reason, I could not snap out of it. I kept living in denial, doing nothing to help our situation. So, this was about two years ago…and that’s how we continued to live until the present.
My wife frequently expressed interest in the military. Even in the beginning she said that she would like to join the ARMY at some point. I was not comfortable with this, especially with all the crap that’s going on in the world. The issue kind of died for a period of time until she joined the ROTC program at out local University. This was last Fall semester (Fall 2006). Things were so bad now that she was very egotistical about her feelings and all her decisions. My opinions no longer counted. We were so withdrawn at this point that I became accustomed to all this and even accepting of the situation. But divorce was never in our conversations. Well, the ROTC recruiters must have done a nice brainwashing session on her because they convinced her to join Army Reserves. On January 9, she left for Basic Training. She will not be back until end of May.
And here is the latest problem…On January 22, I had to pay her cell phone bill (I actually pay all the bills). The bill was unusually large. Since she was not available anymore, I could not talk to her about it. But I noticed that there was many reoccurring numbers. But she has many friends so it was almost impossible to figure out. However, what stood out is the number of text messages sent and received. Over 900, between early December to mid January!!! I could not think that it was humanly possible to do something like this. I guess you learn something new every day. In any case, that’s where I caught her! One number in particular stood out. About 80% of all these text messages were from one number. Knowing my wife’s past I already know what this meant. She actually was able to take her cell phone with her, but can only use it on Sundays for 10 minutes. I guess the Drill Sgt. takes them away. In any case, I know she could not use it now, so I was able to check her voice mail. I knew the password. What do you think I hear? A very sexy voice with a British accent telling my wife how much she misses her, how she can’t stop thinking about her, and how she frequently thinks about the great few times they spent together. She also said that she is a fantastic girl and that she hopes something more happens when she returns. Well, we all know what that meant. I called the number right away and confronted the girl. She denied everything – of course. Said they just met recently and that they were only friends and that she was actually engaged and getting married soon. Wow! Doesn’t that put a nice twist on the whole story? In any case, I subsequently pushed that girl for more details and information and after one conversation, she admitted that it was only talk and no action.
When my wife called one recent Sunday, I told her everything. She did not seem very shocked that I found out. I later discovered that this was because before she called me, she called the OW. So, she found out about the situation ahead of time, and was prepared for the inevitable. Everything came out in the open, I talked again with her this past Sunday. She got the letters I sent her which explained my anger, my disappointment, my pain. She told me that she is very confused and that she is not sure whether she is a lesbian. She said she loves me, but you all know that this does not mean much. She also say that right now she cannot see herself with me sexually, or any man for that matter. But she does see herself with a woman. After reading Dr. Harley’s guide on how to survive infidelity, it all makes perfect sense. All her current feeling confusion, etc. are classic examples, regardless whether this was a PA or EA with a man or a woman. Since then, I have written about three letters. I stated that I do love her and want to work things out, that I realized my mistakes and faults. I have been going to therapy and feel much better about who I am and what I need to do. When I found Dr. Harley’s website, however, it was like an epiphany. Whatever doubts, uncertainties or confusions I had on why it happened and how to fix it, finally disappeared. The fog was lifted. I printed out every page of the Basic Concepts as well as the guide to surviving infidelity. Since she is in another state and we hardly have any communication it makes it this more difficult to try to work on this. She said there might be hope yet for us. Whether that was the truth or whether she was saying it out of guilt, or because that was something I wanted to hear, I don’t know. I guess the only thing I can do for now is to wait for her letters, her calls, and hope that she reads all the information I sent her. So, this is my story. Sorry it’s so long but I just didn’t know how to make it simpler. I guess I also needed to get this out of my system as well. Any suggestions, opinions or advise would be greatly appreciated. There is still a lot more to this story and I’m sure I might have left out some parts, so please ask.
The relationship started changing between us after she left. She started telling me that she felt less and less attraction for women and was no longer feeling comfortable with this. I visited her several times after she went back home and on one of those visits friendship turned in to love. She actually lived with her parents and when I visited her I stayed in their house. We fell in love. Heck, her parents were even crazy about me as well. Since our relationship now grew into something much deeper, she no longer had any feelings or desires for women. To make a long story short, several months later she came here to the US and we got married. Everything was great until about six to eight months after the marriage. I have read Dr. Harley's Basic Concepts in great detail, I almost know it by heart, so NOW, I know what went wrong and why, but at that time I had no clue that things were going to ******. Thinking back this was classic! Everyday life just got to us. We didn’t know how to manage our marriage correctly. Poor communication, spending less and less time with each other, not willing and even knowing how to address each others emotional needs, etc…..we fell out of love.
I suppose this all started because of my ever decreasing libido. My sexual desires started dwindling. Before, sex was almost everyday, later it was less and less frequent. Being a young and energetic woman, she needed it more and I was not giving it to her. I know now that it was stress related. But not knowing the problem then, or trying to live in denial, hoping that things will somehow fix themselves, the situation got worse and worse, until I started to discover that she was having an EA with another woman. An internet affair. The girl was from our home country, so because of the distance there was no threat of a PA. I obviously was angry and very disappointed. I started trusting her less, but forgave her. Things were not changing between us, our problems were not being addressed still. That summer we went to visit her family back home. Due to work constraints I could not stay long, but she was in college (still is), so she had the summer off. She stayed an additional week. About a month after the trip, I later found out through her sister that she used that week to visit in person that OW. This devastated me, but I did confront her. She did not deny it but said that nothing happened. Both her parents and that OW parents actually got involved as well. They confirmed that it was impossible for anything physical to happen because they were always in their presence. Regardless, whether it was a PA or EA, it did happen. A line was crossed! I almost threw her out. It was an intense time. She promised not to do it again. I somehow got over it. Never forgot it though. There was now very little trust left. But we continued to live our lives, not much changed. She continued to blame me for our problems saying that it’s because she was not getting any sex. I was ashamed of the situation because I thought that I could not satisfy my wife. I kept thinking that it was almost justified what she did. But for some reason, I could not snap out of it. I kept living in denial, doing nothing to help our situation. So, this was about two years ago…and that’s how we continued to live until the present.
My wife frequently expressed interest in the military. Even in the beginning she said that she would like to join the ARMY at some point. I was not comfortable with this, especially with all the crap that’s going on in the world. The issue kind of died for a period of time until she joined the ROTC program at out local University. This was last Fall semester (Fall 2006). Things were so bad now that she was very egotistical about her feelings and all her decisions. My opinions no longer counted. We were so withdrawn at this point that I became accustomed to all this and even accepting of the situation. But divorce was never in our conversations. Well, the ROTC recruiters must have done a nice brainwashing session on her because they convinced her to join Army Reserves. On January 9, she left for Basic Training. She will not be back until end of May.
And here is the latest problem…On January 22, I had to pay her cell phone bill (I actually pay all the bills). The bill was unusually large. Since she was not available anymore, I could not talk to her about it. But I noticed that there was many reoccurring numbers. But she has many friends so it was almost impossible to figure out. However, what stood out is the number of text messages sent and received. Over 900, between early December to mid January!!! I could not think that it was humanly possible to do something like this. I guess you learn something new every day. In any case, that’s where I caught her! One number in particular stood out. About 80% of all these text messages were from one number. Knowing my wife’s past I already know what this meant. She actually was able to take her cell phone with her, but can only use it on Sundays for 10 minutes. I guess the Drill Sgt. takes them away. In any case, I know she could not use it now, so I was able to check her voice mail. I knew the password. What do you think I hear? A very sexy voice with a British accent telling my wife how much she misses her, how she can’t stop thinking about her, and how she frequently thinks about the great few times they spent together. She also said that she is a fantastic girl and that she hopes something more happens when she returns. Well, we all know what that meant. I called the number right away and confronted the girl. She denied everything – of course. Said they just met recently and that they were only friends and that she was actually engaged and getting married soon. Wow! Doesn’t that put a nice twist on the whole story? In any case, I subsequently pushed that girl for more details and information and after one conversation, she admitted that it was only talk and no action.
When my wife called one recent Sunday, I told her everything. She did not seem very shocked that I found out. I later discovered that this was because before she called me, she called the OW. So, she found out about the situation ahead of time, and was prepared for the inevitable. Everything came out in the open, I talked again with her this past Sunday. She got the letters I sent her which explained my anger, my disappointment, my pain. She told me that she is very confused and that she is not sure whether she is a lesbian. She said she loves me, but you all know that this does not mean much. She also say that right now she cannot see herself with me sexually, or any man for that matter. But she does see herself with a woman. After reading Dr. Harley’s guide on how to survive infidelity, it all makes perfect sense. All her current feeling confusion, etc. are classic examples, regardless whether this was a PA or EA with a man or a woman. Since then, I have written about three letters. I stated that I do love her and want to work things out, that I realized my mistakes and faults. I have been going to therapy and feel much better about who I am and what I need to do. When I found Dr. Harley’s website, however, it was like an epiphany. Whatever doubts, uncertainties or confusions I had on why it happened and how to fix it, finally disappeared. The fog was lifted. I printed out every page of the Basic Concepts as well as the guide to surviving infidelity. Since she is in another state and we hardly have any communication it makes it this more difficult to try to work on this. She said there might be hope yet for us. Whether that was the truth or whether she was saying it out of guilt, or because that was something I wanted to hear, I don’t know. I guess the only thing I can do for now is to wait for her letters, her calls, and hope that she reads all the information I sent her. So, this is my story. Sorry it’s so long but I just didn’t know how to make it simpler. I guess I also needed to get this out of my system as well. Any suggestions, opinions or advise would be greatly appreciated. There is still a lot more to this story and I’m sure I might have left out some parts, so please ask.