My FWH wrote a letter to the MOW in July 2006. The PA ended December 2005 but he still had some PC in January 2006. It wasn't his idea to write the letter and he even used some of my phrases. Anyhow, I tried to deliver it back then but her H was home so I didn't. I have tried on other occasions as well until we moved to another state at the end of July. My 20 year old daughter went back to visit friends and tried to deliver my letter again, but it looks like they or just she may have moved. I still have the letter and I think I need her to read it. I don't want her to see where we live now, but I want to know for a fact that she has read it. Should I hire a PI to give it to her ?

BW - me 39
FWH - 40; EA 10/05-1/06; PA 12/05
Married 1987
DD1 12/11/05
DD2 12/17/05

I'm curious why you want to write to her. You must know that she cares nothing about you, or she wouldn't have had an affair with your husband.

How is your recovery going?

The letter isn't from me - it's from my FWH. I guess I want her to read it because he tells her how the A meant nothing to him and so forth.

As far as my recovery, well I have good days and not so good days. I thought that by now I would be better.

Bella, can you find her address and just send it?

You have been in recovery for about a year, so your experience with good days and bad days sounds pretty normal. Do you feel it is any better today than it was 6 months ago?

Is it his no-contact letter?

from everything that i've read, your H should have put all of this effort into delivering his own NC letter to show that he is sincere about meeting your emotional needs and is committed to recovery

trying to have your daughter deliver it isn't a good idea at all in my opinion

I have her address, but I don't think she lives there anymore. I would send it certified, but then she'd see my new address. I would also just send it through normal mail and hope she is having her mail forwarded, but then I wouldn't know for sure that she read it, and I think I need that. Is it bad that I want her to read the terrible things he says about her?

Yes, things are better today than they were 6 months ago, but I swear that I can't even watch TV without something making me feel horrible. Are you truly recovered? I like the thought that it can happen to others, so maybe it will eventually happen to me.

If it is a NC letter, then send it. If the letter is for any other purpose... just live your life and don't worry about that HO any more.

I suppose it is his NC letter, but he doesn't care if she reads it or not. I think the letter is for me more than anything. I NEED her to read that he doesn't care what happens to her and that to him she doesn't exist anymore.

My daughter has helped me so much through all of this and she suggested taking the letter to OW. I would rather she didn't deliver it either, so should I hire a PI?

Eav, the WS is not supposed to ever contact the OP again so he couldn't deliver it himself. Usually the letter is written together, approved by the BS and either mailed together or by the BS.

Bella, is there some reason you can't just mail it?

Why? The NC letter is to let her know she is not welcome to contact him... don't think for a minute that the letter is going to reach her beyond that. So, why do you NEED to know that she read it? Is it that you are concerned that your H still has feelings for her and this is a way to short circuit them???

I still think a NC letter should be sent... I am just concerned for you based on your NEED to have her know something. The only NEED you should have concerning that hO is that she never contacts your H again.

No! I don't think so at all. I would want her to read his letter too. Perhaps a PI can deliver it?


yes! True recovery really does happen. I don't think about the affair anymore and we do have a great marriage. But Bella, I was also in a BAD place when I was one year into recovery. So please don't give up hope.

you can have it delivered to her by the mail... you can send it resricted delivery and SHE would need to sign for it.

mel

i wasn't suggesting that HE deliver it, just that he be the one putting some of this effort into getting it mailed to her.

it just doesn't sound like he has much invested in the letter as described by Bella in her first post.

perhaps it wouldhelp her to feel better if he understood the importance enough to help with this.

Thank you all so much. I guess I need her to read it so that she doesn't think she has any part of him anymore. My FWH wrote the letter, but I did approve it and he used things I have said before. If I send it restricted mail does it have to have my address on it?

Melodylane - it's good to hear that I still have a good chance of recovering. I was starting to feel like if I didn't feel a lot better by this point that maybe I never would.

Understand, Eav. I would imagine that she DOES have more invested in delivering it, which would be understandable.

Bella, is he invested in the recovery of your marriage? It certainly sounds like contact has ended. Have you explored what led to the affair and taken steps to correct that? Do y'all have an active program of recovery?

Bella,

could you call her local post office from the last address you have and ask them if her mail is being forewarded?

If that doesn't work, i'd try peoplefinder or zabba.com (i think that's the other site) to try to get her new address.

I'd at least try those things before spending the money on a PI.

ps
it IS nice that your daughter is so invested in your recovery

Yes he is very invested into the recovery of our marriage. It took him a few months but he is now working hard towards making things right. I went to counseling from January 2006 through June 2006. My husband came with me to a few of the sessions. We have explored why and/or how the A happened and we've made positive changes to remedy those problems. The thing is that sometimes I am just so sad.

Thanks eav. I'll try the post office. I've tried the "free" people finder sites, but not zabba.com so I'll try that.

I'm confused as to why a NC letter should be sent when there hasn't been any contact in over a year. I did read it correctly that Jan 2006 was the last contact, or did I miss something else?

As a FOW who has had NC w/ my FOM for a year and a half, if I received such a letter from him or his W I would trash it w/o opening it. If it was sent with a signature required, I would refuse it. I don't want them invading my life, just like I am not invading theirs. People can and have moved on and don't want to revisit, especially after a year has passed.

I hope my FOM and his W invest their energy in rebuilding their marriage and not waste energy wanting me to read a letter similar to the one suggested.

If she hasn't contacted him, she most likely feels the same way your H does and could easily write the same letter to him.

I know, honey. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> But it will get better and better. I felt this SAME way at 1 year and even 18 months. Then one day around the 2 yr mark, I was explaining to a friend about the reasons why I should dump the "bum" and she looked at me and said "Mel, you are just LOOKING for grievances." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

I realized then that my H had done what he was supposed to do, now it was time for me to let it go.

I am not saying you are at that point yet, I don't think you are, just that this will not go away over night, Bella. It will take what it takes. And some day, you may realize, as I did that it is really ok to move on, tht my grieving is done.

I think I was so accustomed to being SAD and devastated that it took me awhile after I had recovered from the affair to RETRAIN my mental outlook to a positive one.

Come here and talk to us about your recovery, Bella. It will be easier to bear if you let others here support you through this long process.

lc, she did not "invade" this woman's life, the OW invaded HER LIFE by having an affair with her husband. Bella has not "moved on." What is important is Bella's feelings, because she is the victim here, after all. It is important to her that the OW read a letter from her H indicating the affair was a dreadful mistake and those feelings should be respected.

My point is, sending it isn't going to make her read it or care what it says. Why set yourself up for potential disappointment? Doesn't seem worth it to me.

There has been NC for over a year, why initiate contact. I don't understand the reasoning behind this.

First off, you have no way of knowing if she will read it or not. Nor will Bella ever have any way of knowing. There are no such guarantees about any letter sent. It apparently is worth it to Bella, and that is what counts.

The purpose of the letter is much more than initiating no contact, its purpose is to convey a strong message that the affair meant nothing and was a terrible mistake. This is an important step to many betrayed spouses.

I have another thought,

"It is important to her that the OW read a letter from her H indicating the affair was a dreadful mistake and those feelings should be respected."

Where does MOW H fit into this? Isn't he also a victim and doesn't want contact? Does anyone care about HIS feelings? If MOW hasn't attempted contact she already knows it was a dreadful mistake and feel the same way Bella's H does. IMO, a letter like that sent to me would be a bit pathetic at this stage of recovery. It would make me think FOM and his W were not recovering well.

I am just trying to give an honest opinion as to what the MOW may feel and what is suppose to help Bella may make things worse for her. How will she feel if MOW returns the letter unread or sends one similar to her H? There has to be a much more healthy way to deal with something like this that won't have potential for causing more problems.

"The purpose of the letter is much more than initiating no contact, its purpose is to convey a strong message that the affair meant nothing and was a terrible mistake. This is an important step to many betrayed spouses."

Do BS's really believe former affair partners don't already KNOW this? It's usually a two way street and both AP's are well aware what a HUGE mistake it was.

I think you are trying a little too hard, lc, and seem to be grasping about frantically for various reasons why she shouldn't send this letter. There is absolutely nothing "unhealthy" or 'pathetic" about sending this letter. What is "pathetic" and "unhealthy" is having an affair. So lets try and keep some perspective here.

Dr. Harley recommends sending such a letter as a sort of absolution, there is nothing unhealthy about it at all.

The point is that it is important TO HER and she should send it if it makes her feel better and helps her move forward in her recovery.


But, she will never know if the OW feels this way and its doubtful that the opinion of the OW would have much value to Bella. It certainly shouldn't.

I understand the need for the letter early after NC, but does Dr Harley recommend sending such a letter a year after NC is established? Doesn't that break NC for life, which I do believe Dr Harley also suggests?

And for the record, I am not grasping at anything, I could personally care less if the letter is sent or not. I'm just trying to understand why at this stage in the game it's even being thought about. I know what I would do and that would be ignore the letter because my FOM and his W mean nothing to me. Those are the facts and like I said *I* would think it was a pathetic attempt on my FOM's part. I never said I was speaking for anyone else, just stated I was giving my opinion on the matter as to what potentially could happen.

Bella's H's FOW may be more receptive or she may feel as I do. I guess it's a 50/50 on that one.

Bella, two questions for you, How will you feel if the letter is sent back to you unread? How will you feel if you never know if she read it? Is simply sending it and never knowing going to be enough for you? These are possibilities you should consider before you decide what you feel you need to do.

lc, Dr Harley does discuss sending a letter of nc along with a statement of absolution, there is not a time limit on it. Sending the letter is not considered breaking contact, as it is closure. This letter is very important to Bella and would be important to most betrayed spouses as a statement of absolution.

And yes, you do seem to care very much that Bella not send this letter and seem profoundly unempathetic to the feelings of a betrayed spouse. I suspect this is because you are a wayward spouse and have never experienced such a traumatic betrayal. Bella has stated that it is important to her and her feelings deserve respect. She is the victim here, after all.

Secondly, the OW can't send the letter back since she won't know her address. Not that you have any idea that would even happen. If it did, so what?


This is a non-issue since there won't be any follow up. Bella would never know how receptive she was or wasn't. It is irrelevant.


But why would this opinion have relevance to Bella? The affair is what is pathetic and anyone who wouldn't see that is nuts. The OW's judgment on what constitutes "pathetic" would not be a concern.

Again, what is important here is what Bella thinks she needs to further her recovery. She is the victim and she is in the best position to decide that.

I guess I feel like I need to try. If it comes back to me then I will know she wants nothing to do with my H, and that's a good thing. She started the A, I know this as she told me so, but I also want to know that she never "conquered" anyone - neither me nor him. The last contact she attempted was in February, which she denied, but phone records don't lie and I answered the phone. I think it just boils down to I want her to hurt, and I know she has in a different way, but not from anything I or my H has done, and this is pathetic, but, oh, I don't know. I thought I would be further by now.

I don't want to hurt the MOW's H which is why I wasn't able to deliver it in July. When he and I found out about the A we were going to meet, but my H didn't want us to. My H thought he would convince me to leave. At that time, the OW's H didn't know the half of the A. I don't want him to hurt anymore, because I know how it feels. I wish I didn't want her to hurt, but she can definitely have all the hurt I have.

OW's H will hurt longer and more if he doesn't know the truth. Lack of truth is the breeding ground for future A's.

The letter isn't necessary at this point, completing the exposure is more important. Anything less would be a disservice to the other BS (ow's H).

L.

Bella, what does the OWH not know about the affair? Does he know about it or not?

p.s. I suspect the real reason is because he didn't want you comparing notes. Teaming up with the OWH is a great impediment to the affair.

Bella,

I understand the need for closure. You sound like a sweet woman and I can feel your pain in your words. I was just trying to point out to you that the closure you are seeking by doing this might not happen because of the time factor. As long as you accept it is a possibility you won't be disappointed if it you don't get the closure. I know MB doesn't put a time limit on this sort of thing, but I don't see the point in sending it now since NC is established.

I once had a very wise woman, who happens to be an BS, tell me that closure comes from within. A person could send 100 letters of closure but until they start to look inside themselves closure won't happen. What that means is knowing she hurt and knows your H didn't care for her w/o having proof of it. That is how closure comes about.

If the FOW hasn't made contact in a year, IMO she knows she meant nothing to your H. Anyone that knows about the A fog knows this. Do you really need proof that she hurts? Don't kid yourself for a second and think she never did. No one comes out of an A unscathed, even if they put on a front that they don't. They are damaging to everyone. You said that you feel you or your H haven't hurt her, don't fool yourself in thinking that either. You have both hurt her more than you could ever know.

Let's put another twist on this, say FOW gets the letter and decides it's OK to contact your H. Now she is in violation of NC for life, yet you initiated contact. Does that make sense? I realize this is a hypothetical situation, but it is a possibility.

From what I have read, I don't see that Dr Harley has a grey area or disclaimer in his NC for life recommendation. The way I am seeing this is it's NC for life unless the BS wants to contact the FAP.

Unless someone can explain to me how this isn't breaking NC, that is how I see it.

Of course my opinion is just that, my opinion. You do what you feel you need to do and if sending the letter is it then do it.

It still makes me sad to know that I was a part of causing pain like you are feeling.

I wish you the best and I do sincerely hope you find what you are looking for. I would also recommend IC if you don't already go. If you can find the right counselor, the can really help clear your head of some of this stuff that is very hard to take your focus off of and help in your healing. It's a tough road and one I wish I didn't put us on by being so selfish.

This is one of the concerns I've brought up several times about ANY kind of contact after NC has been established for a good length of time.

I guess the real question is this...is Bella willing to risk that? Is getting the 'satisfaction' of sending this letter worth taking the risk that it could renew contact? Or does she truly believe that there's no risk to her marriage if she sends the letter?

What's your thought on this, Bella?

at least tv makes you just "feel horrible". I discovered affair Jan. 2 - Happy New Year Honey _ and I SWEAR I scream and yell s (sometimes cry) because the content is so often painful. HINT - Avoid LIFETIME channel and baseball bats. Your reactions , based on my own reactions and what I have read, are completely normal. Wish you the best, keep in touch. ( I also have a big issue with the no contact letter - see me on Just Found Out Board - "stalled in the process".

Wow. I think after reading all of the posts I may rethink sending the letter. I don't want to reopen the past, and maybe the OW and her H are trying to recover and this letter could set them back. I wish now that I hadn't deleted a voice mail she left for me a week after I found out about the A. I think she trying to tell me she was sorry but the second I heard her voice on my phone I deleted the message.

Thank you all so much for your words.