Hi Everyone:

For those of you who used an MC or IC, what was your first experience like? Rewarding? Frustrating? Was there anything that you did to prepare yourself for the meeting?

Our first MC session was 2 days post d-day so I was still in major shock. We were both very nervous to say the least. However, it was very rewarding because the first thing our MC said to us was "God wants this marriage. You can get through this and have a better marriage because of it." We both came away from that first session with a lot of hope. I have looked forward to all of our sessions since then.

MiM,

I set my mind to listen and be open. First thing he asked was what was my goal? Then he asked my WH the same question. We had different goals. That was okay. He put clarity first.

I was terrified, emotional, and told myself to be still and be led.

And to be in my utmost honesty.

In my prayers, Mim...

LA

Hi MiM--

I posted this sometime back when we were in counseling, but I'll summarize (as if that's possible for me)....

Marriage counseling was mandated by me after D-Day of renewed contact with OM#2 and EA#1 (different guys).

Through my wife's infidelities I did not have a close friend or confidant with which to confide/vent/mourn/etc. (My closest friends were involved in/sacrificed to her first affair.)

My wife had resisted all counseling to this point.

We had four sessions with this counselor due to his view of divorce and my abuse of the sessions.

My abuse of the time and the caution I give to you was using the time to vent.

Since I had no one to talk to or vent to about the emerging truths/realizations of the deception and actions of my wife, I did so to the counselor with my wife sitting beside me. He never stopped me -- he let me rant, rage, accuse, embarass, cry with very little redirection or advice.

My wife began quickly to see these sessions as my time to "tattle" (her words) on her and make her look as bad as possible. In my (weak) defense, I really thought some of the details were important to give the counselor the full scope of how deep and total the breach of trust was between us. Each example showed another aspect of my wife I could not trust.

After the counselor made us promise each other that we would each choose divorce before we would choose infidelity, I had decided that he wasn't the right choice for counseling. I wasn't there to have the counselor give my wife "his blessing" for divorce (to prevent infidelity) -- I was there to fix our marriage.

So, I caution you to share the burden of relating the events surrounding the infidelity. If I had been smarter (quite a leap) I would have had my wife share her account or at least relate some of the events so it didn't seem to me dumping on her. I could have been more controlled and not let my passion about the infidelity choose my words and incidents to relate.

We should have both been able to view the counseling sessions as a "safe harbor" in which we could talk about what has happened between us, not target practice.

Blessings

I've got a number of goals (apart from the obvious "fix my M" goal). I thought I might think them through and discuss them with my FWW before heading off to MC, just to make sure that she doesn't feel blindsided by anything that comes up during the sessions.