Hi all. They always say hindsight is 20/20, and I often look back and see many mistakes that I made.

The first thing I would change is that I would have invested the money to call the Harleys. I did check it out, and it seemed kind of expensive for "phone counseling". Even the idea of phone counseling seemed a little odd. Little did I know a divorce would cost me a thousand times the price. It now seems almost like my marriage was not worth the price of a session.

The next thing I would do differently is to FIND OUT what was going on. I knew that something was wrong, and was so upset and stunned, that I let the affair continue undisturbed. My WH started cheating around December 02, and D-day wasn't until July 03. That gave the infidels time to cement the affair. Precious time was spent listening to his excuses, trying to follow him, and denying that anything was happening.

The better course of action would have been to hire a PI or install a GPS. But that seemed too expensive. LOL, looking back, it would have been a bargain.

Anyone else have any changes they would make?

Sometimes, I lie awake into the wee hours pondering this very question.

First off, believer, kind of like you, I wish I had not been so meely mousie in the beginning. He was acting sooo strange. In 25 years, I'd never seen anything quite like it. I went into "he's having a midlife crisis mode." I found myself on a midlife forum. At the mere mention of the word "affair," I balked. I think I even laughed. NO WAY was my husband having an affair. I knew he was going through something, but I trusted him. An affair? That was just out. Not even in my vocabulary. Looking back, and knowing everything that I have learned on MB, I feel sooo very stupid about now. So, in the end, I wish I wasn't so trusting, and so dumb. I will never be that way again. Unfortunately, this whole thing has jaded my outlook on just about everything.

On discovery, I wish I had been on MB. I found it, but didn't know there was a forum. I didn't have Plan A, Plan B really down. So when the infidels returned from their month long vacation, I basically gave him an ultimatum--leave the OW and come home, or divorce. I had even had divorce papers drawn up while they were gone. Sometimes, I wish I had not done that. Sometimes, I wish I would have just gone into a dark Plan B and let the stupid affair ride out. Who knows, it may have saved me from the following six months of pure agony while he waffled back and forth in his head over what he really wanted.

I wish I had been stronger. I was sooo weak, such a wimp. I don't think I set a good example to my kids as I wallowed in self-despair, didn't eat for weeks, ate nothing but crackers and zoloft and sleeping pills. I never, ever got dressed. I just sat in a stooper in my pajamas while my mother consoled me. I wish I would have set a better example to my kids about hanging tough when things go south.

I wish, when he came back, that I had not pushed my kids into accepting him back and forgiving him right away. He didn't deserve to be forgiven. I forgave too soon. I wanted the kids to do the same. I just wanted normalcy. I learned, in those months, that there was not way that was going to happen. As it turned out, I learned that I, indeed, was nowhere near forgiving him then. And truth be told, I am still working on it.

I wish, sometimes, that I would have talked to OW, given her a piece of my brain. As it turned out, not a word was ever exchanged between the two of us. And so, I sit here often and wonder, what the he!! was she thinking? And what does she think now? Is she sorry? Does she think she won his love, but I ruined it for them?

I wish I didn't have SF with him so soon after he came back. It was not good for me emotionally, or physically, as I ended up with an STD. How stupid was I??? I just longed for him. I wanted so badly to show him that I was his wife, I was the one to fulfill those needs. As much as I hated him for what he did, I missed him.

I wish, sometimes, that I would have Plan B'd sooner, and longer. But, like I said, I was so weak, so vulnerable, so much in shock. I just wanted my life back.

Lots of things I wishd I'd have done differently. But we can't turn back the clock, can we?

I would have never even gone out with him on that first date.

I would have dumped him before I married him. I saw several red flags but ignored them because I so was so traumatized by other events.

I would have exposed to PBR's H and not worry about any drug cartel. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

L.

I would have started smoking the wacky weed so I could be in a better mood during plan A <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> (just kidding)

Never married my x-husband.

I wish I'd have found MB within days of D-Day, rather than 4 months after. That was 4 of the toughest months of my life. Not that the next 2.5 years were a picnic, but after finding MB, I knew I wasn't alone, and I knew I wasn't crazy, and I knew I had a plan.

Secondly, I would have hired a PI, and got all the low down in a manila envelope, instead of stalking around for a couple of months trying to figure out what was going on. Would have saved me $$$ in gas, and $$$$$ in mental health.

Third, I would have gone with a scorched earth EXPOSURE, leaning on folks here to help create the list. It still sticks in my craw that my FWW's family views/viewed me as a black sheep of the family, when their precious daughter/sister was living a life that would have been WHOLLY unapproved of by a very religious family.

Fourth, like Believer, I probably would have called the Harleys to help me stay on course, focused on the job at hand, with fewer mistakes.

And if anyone could have convinced me the pain would be so intense, and last so long when I was in the process of discovery and the first few months after D-Day, I may have packed my stuff and started over without her.

SD

SD

Should have waited on marriage. Like Mel, I saw red flags but chose to ignore them, thinking things would change.

Should have tried MB after the first D-Day.

c'est la vie

I would not have let my fear of being left behind at 19 pressure me into saying 'yes' to the first (and I thought possibly only) guy to mention marriage a week after we'd both dated others.

(Shoulda said "How 'bout we 'go steady' for a while?"....or whatever term we used for being GF/BF back then.)

Ace

How nice it is to hear someone else ponders this question in the dark hours..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" />

I KNOW I would have been a better husband in the first place -- I would have recognized her needs I wasn't meeting and helped her see my needs she wasn't meeting. I would have contributed to a marriage that would be "Affair Proof" in the Marriage Builder's tradition.

I KNOW I would have come to this site after discovering her first affair and actually worked through the issues / causes / recovery instead of burying it like we did. I don't believe either of us really came to closure on reasons and remedies. I would have followed "Plan A" and "Plan B" instead of "Plan S" (Swallow all the pain and hurt) and "Plan P" (Pretend things are better).

I KNOW I would have been more agressive in getting her to change jobs after her second affair.

I KNOW I would have researched marriage counselors better instead of relying on "Christian Marriage Counseling" as a reliable credential. Our counselor sucked.

I KNOW I would have divorced her after her third affair. As much as I still love her, I see myself living the rest of my life in fear of affair number four.

I KNOW I would have been more liberal in exposure. Allowing her first affair to be a "secret" (at the advice of our pastor) was a mistake in the bigger picture. Limiting exposure has had benefits in the short term, but in the long term, it has only facilitated more wayward behavior on her part.

I KNOW I would have trusted my children to be stronger and able to cope with life and God's protection over them and not let my fear of the damage a divorce would cause them keep me in my marriage after her third affair.

But, that being said, I don't regret putting my children first -- their well-being and protection are my motivation through all of this.

Then there are the list of things I sometimes think I should have done, but glad I didn't do:

1. Beat the living sh#&^ out of each of her OM. Even if it meant getting on a plane and flying to their town to do so.

2. Kicked her out -- let her see just how much her OM "loved" her.

3. Taken the NUCLEAR approach to exposure -- friends, family, church, work, school, billboards, TV spots, newspaper.....

4. Did I say I would have hunted down her "other men" and physically changed them into "other women"?

Blessings

Hey Believer.....how many "do-overs" did you have in mind?

Artor, I hear you. IF we had called our new/old MC (that H didn't want to call due to embarassment b/c of their 20+ year friendship) instead of the most expensive Christian counselor in the area, we probably could have avoided D-Days #2, 3, & 4. (New/Old MC is a strong Christian, too, but has even tougher standards than MB principles.) <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />

IF I had gone online and found MB sooner, we could have avoided tons of 'needs for the reverse button' events.

I have a question for you Artor that I posted on a new thread to avoid TJing Believer's thread.

Thanks,
Ace

I would have stuck with MB when I first found it -when I needed it the most.

I wouldn't have pushed him out the door to force him to address his depression.

I wouldn't have used SF as a weapon.

I wouldn't have LB so much.

I would have prayed more.

I wouldn't have taken his good points for granted. Instead all I saw was the 'bad stuff' (which was pretty bad).

But I do believe that everything happens for a reason - if I'd not been through what I've been through, I don't think I would have the perspective I have now. After all, if I did, I wouldn't have these regrets now.

JinGA

Pre-A, I should have gone to mc when his behavior was so hurtful rather than withdrawing in hopes he would “get over it” with the help of Ads.

I should have respected him more and been more of a wife than a manager. (His words).

I should have spent as much time and energy researching marriage skills as I did parenting skills. I wish I had found MB in the year BEFORE his A.

I should never have trusted so completely, so blindly.

Post D-Day – I would have exposed to my best friend so I could have had some support and comfort from a friend. I never did expose to anyone other than my sister – DH had agreed to NC the day after D-Day, I didn’t find MB until a month after D-Day and I didn’t understand the purpose of later exposure.

And what I should do TODAY, looking at the present with clear eyes? I should request that we attend an MB weekend together and really work on employing the principles in our daily lives.

I would have picked a better partner and bought Microsoft at $5.

I should have immediately stopped the "friendship" when I sensed that it was changing. I should have said no when he invited me to coffee "just to chat". I should have told my husband when the OM confessed his feelings to me, rather than contemplating my own feelings toward him. I basically let the OM talk me into a relationship with him.

If I could do it all again I would have protected my marriage instead of nearly destroying it.

I have laid awake in the wee hours of the morning pondering this question. I still dwell on it from time to time and feel shame at my behavior when I look back.

I came home from deployment after falling very deeply in love with my now ex while I was gone. I was ambushed on day one.

In retrospect, I would not have been the weepy, clingy, appeasing man that I was. I would have cut her off financially and told her that she could fund her own cell phone and pay for her own clothes and outings to night clubs if she wished to continue acting like a WW. I would have cutoff her bank access completely, taken the new car's keys and used it for myself. I would have sent the nanny back to Europe or kept her to help me. I would have made moves to kick ex out of house. I would not have given her a no contest. I would have fought tooth and nail for every item in the house that was marital property.

I would not have been weak. I would have done a great plan A with a prep for plan B and would have never left the AF.

I think we are dealing with at least two questions here and possible a third...

1) What BS hasn't examined themselves to see what it was that they may have contributed to the climate in which the affair began?

For me, I probably did the most damage by thinking that when she pulled away, it was a sign of wanting to have distance between us to deal with some looming issue. What I discovered was that it was her efforts to avoid the guilt that resulted from the choices she was making. (All before the A) To prevent having to look me in the eye and lie, she began to avoid me and even to do things that would cause me to withdraw from her as well. I still wonder what I might have done a different way that might have stopped us from traveling down this road to separate lives.

I might have attacked the little things that broke intimacy only a tiny bit as each came alone. While these were not giant love busters individually, they were cumulatively a catalyst that moved us slowly further apart. Once the "system" had inertia, it continued as if it was impossible to stop. Knowing what I do now, I'd have attempted to "fix" the little problems before the tiny stones turned into a wall that left her emotionally detached (divorced) from me and our marriage.

2) The second question that comes to my mind is what would we have done differently in the early period after Dday?

For me, I might have exposed more. I might have let more people know what was going on, but I can't really say that I would have been better off than by limiting exposure to those that mattered. I let MY support system know what was going on. I let HER close friends know and her step-mother (next door to OM and the supposed reason she was even in that state), our pastor knew within a short time, and much of her family knew. In fact, it was SIL2 that helped me piece together my evidence I confronted W with. It was ironic to me that HER family and friends all gathered around to help ME because to them, we had become nearly an icon for marriage.

3)The third question I think we all deal with is this, "If I had to do it all over again, would I even bother with this person?"

This is a dangerous question IMO. It is dangerous because it can harbor resentment and fuel entitlement on the part of the BS. We start to contemplate what we might have done if we'd KNOWN the A would happen, back when we had not married and consider that our life might have been better with someone else. The truth is that the other person we might have married may have been a serial killer waiting for just the right trigger to set them off and the argument we had over dirty socks on the floor could have been that trigger.

The bottom line is that we have NO idea what we would have done if we started over and we likely would have done the exact same things because we would have known only what we knew then, not what we know now. While it sometimes seems impossible to avoid the "what might have been" it is the ability to move beyond them to the "what might be" that is a sign of personal recovery.

As long as we dwell on mistakes, ours, our spouse's, other's, we cannot move forward. And no matter how badly we want it to happen, we cannot change the past. We cannot prevent the A from happening or make it never to have happened at all. We can only deal with the aftermath and go into the future.

That future for many will be with the unfaithful spouse and for many others it will be without them.

The question you really have to answer is this..."what is my spouse doing (and myself as well) that will ensure that it will not happen again? I can't say that my wife will never have another affair. I CAN however tell you that we will never again go through the effort of recovery.

Would I do it all again? In the past, probably, but in the future, not gonna happen...not again.

Latin (Roman?) Proverb..."It is not permitted in war to blunder twice."




"If ifs and buts were candy and nuts we'd all have a marvelous Christmas."

Mark

I'm not sure.

Sometimes I wish that I had started actively looking for proof sooner.

But then again, I think that even if I'd had it sooner, I don't think that it would have worked out the way it did. Had I confonted sooner, I don't think that she would have been able to see so clearly what she was doing wrong. I don't think she would have been ready to fly away to live with him...and so when he told her not to come, that seriously damaged their affair relationship.

I think that God had a hand in the way the whole situation played out. A bunch of factors all came together at the same time so that the affair ended, she HAD to see what she was doing was wrong, and it all not only triggered changes in our marriage, but triggered some much needed behavior changes in my wife as well. She (and I) LEARNED from this. I don't know if the lesson would have been as effective if it had happened sooner...before they were "in love".

I was way too "clingy" for the first two weeks after d-day. I would change that...but I caught on pretty quick and quit that about week 3.

Other than that, I don't know what I'd change. Our marriage is great...I don't know what impact any changes might have had on our recovery to get us to this point now.

Great Question.....and one that I have a far different answer to than even 6 months ago.

First, Before he even contemplated an A, I would have agreed to go to MC with my FWH to address the serious issues in our M that made FWH so terribly unhappy. I was doing fine, so I chose to ignore that he was not.

Second, since I was oblivious to the A while it was ongoing, I guess that I couldn't do anything different there.

Third, look harder for a good MC immediately following d-day instead of just wanting FWH to perform some unrealistic miracle and undo the whole thing.

Fourth, and IMHO, the most important thing. Once I found MB (15 months post d-day) immediately schedule a MB weekend or begin counseling.

Since FWH and I have been counseling with Jennifer we are as close to being completely recovered as we have ever been. I know this because I suddenly realized just the other day that the things we do each and every day to meet each others needs and avoid LB's are all about building a better marriage and not about the A at all.

For me it was like a lightbulb going on, we are recovered and things are getting better every single day.

Who

I would STILL marry my husband. He has given me many good years, and I am currently striving for many more, even better, years.

In terms of pre A, I would have listened more to what he was saying, and not taken it as a slight. We had ONE real argument, about sex, after our DS was born. He told me he wanted more, I became angry and began JUSTIFYING WHY I wasn't more into it, putting BLAME on him. I would have been more affectionate, instead of withdrawing. So much more that I would do, no time to list them.

In terms of Post Dday#1, I did not expose the A to the OW's husband and family, or work. I should have done that, but I did not have MB then. I didn't find MB until nearly a year later, after the A had died and we were in false recovery. I should not have asked him to leave.

Otherwise, I took care of my financial security, always, and my DS.

I have no regrets, and will have no regrets.

Pre-A: I would have taken him seriously when he asked me if I loved the dog more than him. I would have gone dancing with him that night.

Post-D: I would have let him go and worked more on myself rather than coming unglued at the seams. I didn't find MB until we were well into recovery.

I have no regrets either because even though I took the longest darkest route back to recovery ('cause I didn't know about MB) my experience has made me a better person. I can relate to others who are going through the fire now much better because I've walked in their shoes and felt that soul-wrenching pain.

I thought perhaps qualifying my answer might be helpful for those that don't know my sitch. I completely without question believe in MB principles and methodologies. I've seen them work countless times.

I answered "I would have never married my ex-H" only because I know, for me, the MB Principles could not have saved my marriage. My ex-H is a serial cheater (his picture in the Dictionary under SERIAL CHEATER). I think we could have continued recovering from each one of his adulterous affairs only to wait 5+ years later for his next repeat performance.

I regret the time I lost trying to repair something that was innately broken, but I don't regret the things I learned that help me grow personally.

Jo

It depends on where you want to go back to.

For me I would have still married my FWW because of the two beutiful children, one on the way, That I couldn' imagine my life without. So I wouldn't change that.

Pre A, I wish we stayed in the counceling to deal with her desire to move and never discuss the ramifications.
I would work on not beind a codependent, enabler with conflict avoidence issues.

I would change, living with an alcoholic. I would have put her out on the street if she kept drinking.

I don't know what I could have done pre A to stop the A because she made moving her number one need and as long as I didn't fill that need her LB was empty.

During the A I wish I would have not trusted her so much. Even though I was 3000 miles away I knew something was wrong, just not what.

I wish I would have taken all of the money out of the accounts. So she would have had to work, Like she promised so we didn't have the financial problems we have now.

Post A, I wish I got over being a codependent, enabler with conflict avoidence issues sooner.

I wish the night she got thrown in jail for abuse I would have left her there, instead of bailing her out.

I wish I would have come to plan FU sooner. I wish I found this place sooner.

So there are a lot of things i would do differently but since I can't I will learn from those mistakes and make today the best day I can!!!!!

I'm pretty happy with what *I* did...and since this is a fantasy anyway....I'd love to change what *he* did!!

* I wouldn't have gotten married at 18, first of all. A wife at 18, a mom at 21...that's a lot for a kid to handle.

* I would have put as much focus on being a good wife as on being a good mom.

* After his A#1 I would've gotten counseling for myself, and maybe my self-esteem and health wouldn't have ended up in the toilet. And it probably would have kept this next one from happening at all....

* I never would've given the OM I had a revenge A with the time of day.

Lori

hmmmm...

#1 Ignoring red flags before the marriage.
#2 Taking a firm stand when I found out about the affair. Exposed immediately.

Other than that I do not regret anything...and really I do not regret the above. I did the best I could do under the cirumstances. Am I happy with the outcome (divorce)? Not particularly...but I am happy that I have custody of my child and financially did not get crushed and that may be different if I was not such a nice guy to the ex throughout the process so that is why I do not have regrets.

I assume if we get to go back on a do-over we get to go armed with everything we have learned here.

I would be very confident that pre A or very early EA, a strong Plan A and fulfillment of her missing emotional needs would have ended it. A strong commitment to the 15+ hour plan and it probably would have just been a bump on our long road.

If I only could go back to D-Day but knew all I know now I still think I would have had a great chance of saving the marriage. I lost the first 2-weeks after D-Day existing as a babbling pathetic mess. And during those 2-weeks her contacts with Gollum increased. I did not find MB until 3-weeks after D-day.

I made my share of mistakes but I still am very proud of my Plan A, as short as it was, and I know it had an impact. But every day critically mattered and I did get into too many R talks.

Of course my evil twin occasionally looks back at missed possibilities too.

I would have loved to have exposed to her workplace with a tap dancing singing telegram.

Maybe to Swanee River:

Wayzilla have you told your bosses
of your affair?

Tippity tippity tap

I know that you are doing Gollum
You two are one sick pair.

Corporate phones and corporate email
You both have pushed your luck.
And you chose to consummate with your solemate
In the back of a company truck.


Or maybe come driving up into a parking lot during one of their make-out sessions, wrap on the window with a high-beam Maglite and ask, “Wayzilly poopsie pumpkin? Could you pick up some mayonnaise on the way home after your done here?”

Oh yeah, and woodchippers.

Hmmm... I picked the right man, I know. But I didn't take care of him. In hindsight, I wouldn't have let his work ALWAYS take precedence. That was my number one mistake. I always stepped aside in the name of military duty. I won't make that mistake again. *I* will ALWAYS come first, even though his job is a sacrifice.

I would have acted sooner. I would have put a stop to it... somehow. But I don't know HOW I could have. I saw the signs. I had even confronted to repeated denials. I'd have attacked the FIRST one (who was my friend) and clawed her demon eyes out. I would have at least confronted that one.

But as for the #2? Once I discovered and confronted... I know I did everything right. And that, my friends, was allllll due to MB and tons of prayer. I exposed. Should have exposed SOONER, but when I did a month later... boy did I EXPOSE. But it was all perfect timing.

Hmmm... don't know how I could have done anything much different. MB helped save my marriage.

I would have insisted on MC after the first A, I was too young and clingy.

Second A, many many regrets on that one. I which I would have faced the A head on when I knew deep down what was going on. While A was an EA in the fall of '02, I should have put boundaries and insisted on either MC or an end to it. I wish I would have stood up for myself more, and went along with FWH less. I wish I would have exposed to their work...I wish I would have been stronger for myself and sons.

I allowed him to use me, he couldn't do that without my permission. I did that to me, and I have to work through that and protect myself. I think I sold myself at a cheap price, my love, my commitment, financial support. I didn't empower myself, I looked to him to change his behaviour instead of saying if you want the M, then x,y, &Z.

I regret not telling the MOW husband, deeply regret it. I may someday, not out of spite or revenge, but out of caring for another person and to let him know, maybe, that he wasn't crazy, something was terrible wrong.

I regret that I lost myself to grief and pain and wasn't the best mom my sons deserved.

Pre-A I regret not trying to find out how to have a good M and how to handle conflict. I regret complaining about things and not doing anything to improve the sitch. I don't know what I was thinking, complaining never fixed anything!

I regret not having the best 25+ years of my life with either FWH or someone else, my issues were there throughout this period, not bc of the A...

I also regret the time of my friends and family who supported me during this long ordeal, enough with the drama!

I most of all regret not being honest with myself about lots of things, instead rationalizing things away...

Hey, it's not over, I can only go from here forward, and try to help others along the way <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

nab

Plan A would have been two weeks, not three months. At the end of two weeks a commitment to come home, stop working with OM, and commit to no contact and counseling with the Harley's OR there is the road (straight to my attorney seeking custody, CS, et al)

this is all good stuff!

I too play the "what would I do different" game. At this point in my life, I am newly married to a great man, so I am hyper sensitive to all this stuff, and what I can do better in this marriage. I have looked back through my 18 year 1st M for clues from the beginning, signs of trouble. I wish I could come up with a fool-proof advance warning kit. Perhaps I could wirte a book of "100 red flags to look for when choosing a H". But frankly, at the end of the day, there is no way to predict with 100% accuracy which marriages will fail.

But - I do make sure that my new H knows he is loved, and appreciated. when we have problems, I try to deal with them head on instead of hiding my head and waiting for it all to blow over.

during my Ex's A - I wish I had been stronger. I fell apart, numerous times, in front of him, and in front of the kids. I completely forgot that I am a human being, and I have VALUE! Someone told me early on that I had a lot more power in the situation than I realized. I didn;t agree with him - I figured he just didn't understand the whole sitch. I realize now that he was right, all along. The BS does have a lot more power than we realize, and the sooner we use it, the better.

My Ex was spending mony on OW right out of our joint checking account, and I did not say a word for fear of "driving him away"! Heck! The man was living with her - he was all ready away - there was nothing more I could do to drive him futher away. I wish I would have stood up to him right away.

I also wish I had done a good plan B. Not because it would have "won him back" but it would have been good to show him that after a D we would NOT be friends. After our D was final, I was no longer his friend, and that was a shock to him. I was accused of being bitter, and he tried to attack me, via the kids, for awhile. In reality, I was not trying to attack him, I was just finished with him. I have no interst in talking to him - he is not the type of "friend" I need in my life.

I think the message I would give to a newly betrayed spouse is this: You HAVE VALUE! You are a good person,and do not deserve this. Stand up for yourself. You made mistakes in the past - learn from them, move on. do not dwell on them.
Admit your faults, put them behind you, and then be done with them.

Pre-affair, I would have loved him overtly the way he needed to be loved. So he knew that I loved him, adored him, and wanted him sexually.

I would have opened my thoughts up to him without fear.

I would have praised him as a man, hailed him as my hero, and jumped his bones once every week or so when he least expected it.

I would have kept my body looking good, dressed well, and smelling sexy every single moment he was around. Because he deserves a beautiful, sexy woman around, and I deserve to feel that way.

I would have made it a point to explore his mind, and his interests as well.

I would have spent more time with him, doing fun things together, making every day count.


I would have insisted that we spend more time just talking about things - whatever they might be - to keep in touch with the changing people we are. People change every day, we ebb and flow. Our ideas move on everything from politics, to what color we like, to our favorite ice cream flavor. We need to stay wrapped up in each other, and allow movement in who we are, and rejoice in the changes and growth - it is only because we stopped looking that we thought the other stopped growing and changing. We "stagnated" because we stopped exploring one another.

If I could go back and do all that? Well, there never would have been a d-day.


And now that WE are doing this every day, there never WILL be another one.


Schoolbus

Hindsight is definitely 20/20.

First time around, I would have chosen a partner who was suitable for marriage and recognized that the person I married was NOT. Instead of trying to mold a person and "fix" a person who was not willing to remain in a committed relationship, I would have cut my losses early on and let go. I would not have ignored the dozens upon dozens of red flags flaring up time and time again even before we got married. I would have paid close attention to the very obvious character flaws that existed in my ex-WH and would not have made excuses for his behavior. I would have been honest with myself and with my friends and family when they detected that something was wrong instead of clinging ever so tightly to my rose colored glasses and pretending that everything was just "fine".

Thank goodness I have learned a great deal from my past and now have been blessed with a wonderful husband who is God fearing and we are equally yoked. We are also equally committed to having a great marriage and look forward to many years to come. God is good.

CHRISNER,

You are a RIPPER RIOT!!!!

The Suwannee River Song, OMG, I thought I was going to bust a gut.

I am with Resilient in my do-over thinking. My husband is/was abusive and a serial cheater. I do not believe if I went back in time that there is any way I could have saved my marriage. My husband is/was broken and no amount of self-improvement on my part could have prevented his affair or changed the way he treated me. My do-over would focus on how *I* handled things. In retrospect I would go NUCLEAR on exposure and handling D-day. I could have handled exposure a lot better. WH avoided a lot of consequences because I treated him with kid gloves about exposure. I would CALL EVERYONE, I would take out ads in the paper, hand out flyers, book radio time, whatever it took. I would have set up a meeting with his Lieutenant and showed him all my evidence. Furthermore, I would have hired a PI and documented him meeting with OW while on the job and showed the police department what kind of man they were employing. I would have also forwarded this evidence to OWH back in Nov 06 when it would have done some good.

On the other hand, I did a lot of really smart things after I discovered my husbands affairs. I separated our bank accounts immediately, and orchestrated a home refinance that put my name on our home mortgage (prior to the affair it was not) and cashed out equity which I used to pay off all our debt and kept a portion for my legal fees. In hind sight I could have been tougher. I was just so emotionally weak after discovering the depth of his betrayal, I was in shock really. I would have done Plan B immediately and not bothered with Plan A. Plan A made me bitter and allowed my husband to continue to cake eat and take advantage of me financially for 4 months.

My fondest wish in retrospect would be to leave my husband when I first suspected what he was up to back in 2004. I was pregnant at the time and just couldn't face what he was doing. I was in denial. I honestly thought that the birth of our daughter would change him. Boy, was I naive. I would be in a much better place right now if I had trusted my inner voice. I will never make that mistake again in my life. I have learned so much and am much better off without WH in my life. He continues his affair and his wayward selfish thinking and now I am free of his poison. MB has shown me that I am a good person and my husband's infidelity is his mistake and no fault of mine. I can now focus on figuring out what I need from a HEALTHY relationship and finding someone who is a better match to spend my life with. I have been given a second chance, for that I am grateful.

I would have spent more time, energy, and money on Today.
I would have taken the time to go places and do things together instead of letting life and children and house take over our time to laugh and love together having fun.
I would have gone hiking and camping and fishing.

I would have lived in the moment more, more, more

FTS

I wouldn't have married him.

I would have done exactly what Schoolbus said. Everything she said I said a hearty "AMEN" after. I took advantage of the fact that he would never stray and although it was an EA only, it was enough for me to see that although he should not have strayed, I should have been a better wife so he would not have. We have applied to 40 plus jobs in and out of state with no response and are putting the house on the market Wednesday. WH still works with OW. I want to be where Schoolbus is... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

SB

This was beautiful!!!! I'm going to print this out and keep it by my bed.

I have to say ditto to everyone's posts.

There were a million warning signs from the moment we met but I ignored every single one. We started our M with a mountain of resentment and it just kept building from there.

We may not be able to turn back time and do things differently but we sure can use what we've learned and build that wonderful M now.

Thank you again SB, for such a wonderful post. If only every married couple could heed those words of advice before it takes such a painful lesson. That's what makes me saddest of all, it took an A for my H and I to truly open up and love each other.

Schoolbus nailed it (*gasp*).

In terms of aftermath things, I would have insisted that WW stop working with the OM right from the outset and started a good Plan A sooner.

Well, I am a FWW so the major regret is an obvious one.

The second regret is not confessing to BH earlier, and not telling OMW sooner.

The third is telling OMW that OM really did love her and to try and work it out with him (a serial cheater.) I was fogged out, it was none of my business, and I cringe when I think about it now. It still haunts me to this day.

KM

I would have stuck with my decision to call off the wedding a month before our wedding date. I saw all the signs, but chose to ignore them. One thing I have learned...adults rarely change without God's intervention. Truly what you see is what you get. I learned not to fall in love with a person's potential. WAIT until someone comes along that has fulfilled some of that potential

ran like heck in the oppsite direction

This is a good thread!

I hear a lot of my own thoughts in it.

My irony is that now that I'm divorced, after all the dust settled, I've realized that my XH is still the great love of my life. I really want to reconcile, he hasn't opted for that yet, and perhaps he never will, but our relationship - friendship is probably better than it has been in many years.

I'm doing as many of the things now, that I did before, and then some. I'm taking better care of myself, physcially and emotionally. I'm doing things for me, for the kids- things that I allowed to go by the wayside. XH could be a part of all of that if he chose to be at this point, but for now he's on the outside - and yes he is looking in just a bit. I've let him know that the door is open - at least for now - but I also let him know it won't remain open forever. I'm making the most of my life, but I do lament that he isn't in it in the way I'd like him to want to be.

He may come around - he's still got some bad stuff going on with himself and the fallout from his slow-dying relationship with his GF... I do wonder if that, once that's done with once and for all (which is inevitable at this point), will he open his eyes again and see what we could have?

We have come out of this a bit more "ok" financially than many - we own a business that is a bit of a burden these days, but personally we're both OK - not flush, but OK. If we were to get back together, we could have the stability, financially, emotionally... we could take the time to do things we'd put off - although we did make some great memories with our family. I'd spend more time on him, meeting his EN. I'm doing that now - meeting whatever EN he allows me to, and I've seen positive feedback in response to that. It's like he's so close to taking that next step, yet so far away, because his heart is still tangled up with the woman that left him 4 months ago to move back to her home state - yet for whatever reason they both seem to be hanging on - staying in touch by phone/internet... right now he has nothing - lives alone, considers himself "attached" but he has no one to come home to, no one to do things with except our kids when he has them for a weekend - although we both work the business on the weekend -we both have to be creative with our free time to do things with them.

I don't know how I'd get through this without my kids - at times when I felt like crawling in a hole, I couldn't because I had to look after my kids - and they've been the greatest source of joy in my life.

I think - fantasize sometimes about what it would be like if XH would just give us one more chance, and I think about all the things I would do differently - or do *better*. Then I think about *why* because I think that's very important. It's no good going through the motions if one doesn't want to. I *want* to. I'm armed with so much more knowledge and understanding now, and if I could just get another shot at it, I would *show* him in all the ways I fell short before - because I lacked skills, maturity, insight - and yes, I even took him for granted.

I value him a lot more now. We see each other almost daily (except he's been gone since Saturday on vacation - he was originally going to see GF but plans changed - he's gone to see his family back home now). I miss him. I look forward to his stopping by the shop - even if it's just briefly, to see him, to hear what he tells me about his day, about traffic, about whatever. I miss that right now, more than I thought I would.

I find myself wondering if he's missing me even just a little bit? He hasn't contacted me since 3 hours after he left on Saturday evening - and I'm going to remain dark unless he contacts me - I find myself hoping he's doing some thinking and I wonder if he ever thinks about any of the same things I do?

I'm trying not to "what if" the situation - trying to just let go and ask God to guide me - that's a big struggle for me.

I believe that God restored my love for him, and I believe He did it for a reason, although I'm puzzled by that because XH thusfar has not reciprocated - at least not in words. When I approached him to explore reconciliation he turned me down - not harshly, but kindly. He wouldn't say "never" but he did say "unlikely". That was 2 months ago. I have not mentioned anything to that effect since - just carried on with Plan A/180 and carried on with my own life, and the part of it that includes him. If it's God's will for him to 'come around', then He will work on XH and I just need to be patient.

If God has other plans for me, then I need to be ready... I guess I need to be ready for any eventuality, so I'm just doing my best each day to work on me and do the things that are within my grasp, and try extra hard to let go of those things that are not within my ability to control. That's been the hard part - but I'm working on it.

Thanks for posting this thread - it has been very validating to read all points of view. Glad to know I'm not alone in my tormented thinking at times <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

JinGA