How do you get rid of guilt? I am guilty that I had an EA/PA with my cousin's husband during the early part of my separation with my STBXH.

I have been separated for six years now. On the 5th year of separation, I found out that my STBXH is having an affair with our common friend for the past nine years with 2 OC already. STBXH begged for another chance. I was also considering a reconciliation that time. So, I decided to admit my own EA/PA. It was one year of trying to work on US, but to cut the long story short- it did not work out. He is now living with OW and OC for good- I will be filing for annulment soon.

On the other hand, three years after the EA/PA had ended, my cousin and husband divorced; without us admitting to the EA/PA up to now. I have spoken with my cousin twice since her divorced and seen her once just recently- but never had the courage to admit my sin and ask for her forgiveness. We never even talk about her divorce or anything personal.

How do you get rid of guilt? I am now 42 and leading a straight life and commit to the Lord that I will never, ever enter into bad R again. Just devoting my life to my pre-teen adopted daughter who felt abandoned by her father. I am not even sure if I have the courage to enter into another R even after my annulment is final. STBXH was my first and only BF prior to marriage. But I sometimes felt like because of what I've done- nobody will love me and accept me anymore. It's been five years now since the EA/PA has ended. I know I am forgiven by God... But, inside I still feel like a trash---

Thank you for listening...

God bless,
Someoneout_there

When you honestly confessed this sin to God and repented, you were forgiven. You confessed to your husband, but he is apparently marrying OW. Your cousin's marriage is over. You have done what you can do. Allow God to heal your heart. Guilt is a wonderful thing, up to a point, in that it helps keep us from cheating, stealing, having affairs, committing murder, etc. But it is the devil who benefits when you continue to suffer from guilt, once the reason for guilt has been cut off. I will be praying for you to have peace.

Amen, Setfree.

Thank you Setfree & Believer for your encouraging replies and for your prayers... I needed that.

God bless,
Someoneout_there

someoneout_there
What you're guilty of here is not believing that God's forgiveness is enough.
God freely forgives's in the face of repentence, and this is somehow contrary to what we are capable of, as humans.

You need to accept God's forgivenes, to do otherwise, is an affront to God's capacity of mercy and forgiveness.

All blessings,
Jerry

Hi Jerry,

"You need to accept God's forgivenes, to do otherwise, is an affront to God's capacity of mercy and forgiveness."

Yes, I agree with you. I have accepted God's forgiveness and grateful to His unconditional love to sinners like me.Thank you for the reminder...

But, there are times like this, that I feel so bad thinking of what I've done- the betrayal and lies- to my STBXH, my cousin and my entire family & friends as well. None of them deserved what I've done, even my long time unfaithful STBXH. I am just venting maybe.

God bless,
someoneout_there

No, you are not feeling the conviction of God, but rather the confusion of Satin, who has vowed your destruction.

Listen instead, to god and His mercy, and put the influence of satin aside. He will mess with your mind and heart as long as you let him.

All Blessings,
Jerry

"Listen instead, to god and His mercy, and put the influence of satin aside. He will mess with your mind and heart as long as you let him"

Thanks for your help- I will remind myself of this everytime I feel this way.

God bless,
someoneout_there

It is much easier to beg God for forgiveness than your cousin. Your cousin has the right to know what happened to her marriage and the role you played in it's demise.

Cymanca,

I know it is very hard for me to admit the A and ask forgiveness from my cousin and my family. I am scared to tell them the truth...

Someoneout_there

I agree with Cymanca that it is the cousin whose forgiveness you should ask.

Melody,

I know I should do that... but I don't have the courage yet...

Someone

Well, courage comes from doing the right thing even when scared. Feelings follow actions, not the other way around. Allowing fear to dictate my actions keeps me fearful, weak and uncourageous. And guilty.

And convicted.....

Melody,

You're right. I am weighing the pros and cons of my confession at this time to my cousin and family. Is it just for my own sake? To get rid of my guilt? How about their feelings? The relationship within the family? Right now, I am suffering alone, what will happen if I will confess? I may feel better- but how about them? I maybe wrong thinking this way- it's been five years ago and I still can't tell the truth.

Someone

Well, of course you wouldn't "feel" better after telling her. That is why you are terrified. But it would be the right thing to do for her. It would be in her best interest to know the truth, s. This is information about your cousin's life to which she has a right to know. Not telling her is tantamount to lying. And leaves you convicted.


And yes, you can tell the truth, you WON'T tell the truth. Big difference.

Melody,

I know that telling them is the right thing to do. And I hope telling them will bring more positives than negatives. To build up the family and not to tear down... Not just a selfish decision on my part to get rid of my guilt and pass on the pain to them.

Thank you Melody, your words are taken seriously. I know the right time will come...

God bless,
Someone

Well, if you don't tell her, you will continue to self distruct, because you will never be able to forgive yourself.

And at least you will no longer be a hypocrite. I mean how can you look her in the eyes knowing that you were screwing around with her husband, her life, her family?

And at least she will have some more of the pieces of the puzzle that she is missing. At least she will be able to make a little bit more sense out of a marriage that probably makes no sense to her.

I believe that you are sorry, but I also believe that your fear stems from not wanting to be seen in a negative light. Too bad, this is the price paid for what you did.

Do what you keep saying is what you know is the right thing to do, and then get back to the business of making a good, and noble life for yourself.

Your relationship with her is a wash, consider it over as it will be, but gosh darnit give her at least the respect to tell her who her back-stabbers are.

That is what it means to come clean, and this is the first step in self-forgiveness, which is the only forgiveness next to God's you need to concern yourself with. Any other forgiveness you ever get the grace of receiving is up to the forgiver, not you. As it is for all of us who have wittingly hurt another. And believe me, you are not alone in that department. But we do what we need to do, and become better people from there.

I would advise against telling your cousin. #1 you dont know what the reason was for her divorce (at least that has not been communicated). So you dont know if in fact it was your fault.

This is something that I would come to terms with the almighty.

If things have settled down with her, why add salt to a wound or kick a sleeping dog?

Just my thoughts. I think the fact that you recognize the error and have been carrying this around with you for such a long time reflects on your good nature and wishes to do things right. You cannot change the past. Let it go. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Do you honestly believe what you are saying here knowing what we know about affairs and their dynamics?

My WW once told me that she did not want to tell me the truth because she did not want to hurt me. That was the one of the most disrespecful thing she has ever said to me. Who is she to judge what I may feel regarding infomation that I have a right to know about.

Your cousin needs to know the truth and you will never escape the guilt by with holding this information from her. Whatever she decides to do with that information should be her perogative.

That's a tough one. If you still speak to her (even sporatically) then I think you owe it to her to tell her the truth. The guilt may be coming from the fact that everytime you talk to her you're continuing to lie to her by not telling her.

OTOH-- I don't recall anywhere in the Bible where Jesus said, "Go and sin no more... after you confess to the people you've hurt without their knowledge."

According to other posters, if you ARE supposed to confess to her, then it shouldn't stop there. You should confess to EVERYONE you've ever hurt without their knowledge.

Like I said, tough call.

Yes, this is a tough call. And sad to say, I am not ready yet. I know I will be... in the future.

Thank you for all your replies,
someone

The right thing to do is to tell her the truth, of course. She has a right to know that you slept with her H and were instrumental in the ruination of her marriage. It is in her best interest to know you betrayed her.

Part of repentence, OF COURSE, is confessing your crime to your victim and asking for forgiveness. Continuing to lie to her and keep her in ignorance is not a demonstration of repentence, IMO, much less remorse. I shudder to think that you go around her while she remains in complete ignorance of what you have done to her. That is cruel, IMO.

If I were in her shoes, I could forgive you for sleeping with my H, I could not forgive you for being CRAVEN enough to come around me and act like nothing happened.

Someone, you say you are not "ready." Well, you will never be "ready" if you are waiting for a feeling to magically alight upon you. That will never happen. Righting this wrong is a DECISION you have to make, not a feeling you wait for. I don't believe you will ever recover from this until you make this right with your cousin and confess to her.

I don't know, but I think I agree with LTK here.

I too have a WW that didn't want to hurt me with further new info about an A that was over, but the big difference as I see it is that we are still in R, while both of these marriages in question are over.

What benefit is it to anyone to reveal these details NOW. It will only serve to transfer the pain to an innocent, and I see no valid reason to ease the pain of the guilty by passing it to the innocent, when that knowledge will do the innocent NO GOOD AT THIS POINT.

Well, I hope none of your family members ever sleep with your wife, and then keep it from you... while they look in your eyes and make small talk.


Unbelievable.



Well the innocent will know exactly who she is dealing with, and what they have done to her, while she passes her the turkey platter.

And if she has any doubts in her mind about her divorce, any regrets, this truth will help her.

weaver,

I'm all for radical honesty ... its our biggest stumbling block at the moment. I am also all for making the guilty pay. However, in this case, it seems more like the guilty wanting to clear their own conscience, at the expense of the innocent, rather than simply doing the right thing.

Also, I got the impression that this wasn't a particularly "close" cousin, so I guess I assumed that they wouldn't be sharing Thanksgiving dinners together. If it was a close relative, I may reconsider my answer, but it still strikes me the wrong way to comfort the guilty at the expense of the innocent.

Now if the guilty party is willing to expose herself to the entire family and take her lumps, then I say go for it, because she won't be simply transferring her guilt, but accepting the full consequences of her actions.

It's not about making the guilty pay, it's about righting a wrong.

She wronged this woman, and this woman deserves the truth.

Someone will not heal, she will not be able to forgive herself, and she will self-destruct if she does not tell her cousin that she was effing her husband.

And someone does deserve the opportunity to heal, and to forgive herself, doesn't she, as well as her cousin deserving to know what someone did to her.

To not tell, would only be about a misquided notion of protecting herself..

I can't understand though, why you think the whole family should be told and not just the party involved. Why do you think they all need to know, if the cousin knows?

I cannot understand why so many on this thread think that the cousin will be hurt by the truth. Since when did the truth hurt anyone? It's the lies that hurt.

Wow, I just can't for the life of me believe that anyone would think that the cousin not knowing is better than the cousing knowing.

That blows my mind.

So, if the neighbor's bookkeeper embezzles money from him you would advocate not telling your neighbor because it would "cause him pain?" huh? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Does that sound logical to you?

Why in the world would adultery, a much greater crime, be any different?

People are not made happy by lies and illusions. What it comes down to is that her cousin has a right to know the truth about her own life. She has a right to know what her cousin did to her. And if someoneoutthere wants to demonstrate true repentance, she will tell her cousin what she did to her. THAT is repentance, not continuation of lies and deceit.

It is irrelevant if the marriage is in tact or not.

The cousin won't be hurt by the TRUTH, she will be hurt by the adultery and five years of LIES. Every day she is not told the truth is another lie added to the mix. The truth is the solution to adultery, not more lies.

I don't understand why folks apply that WARPED logic to adultery and nothing else. Can you imagine refusing to tell your neighbor his bookkeeper is robbing him because the truth "might hurt him?"

Only a very FOGGED OUT WAYWARD could have produced the logic that telling an adultery victim the truth [so he can protect himself] will "hurt him." <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> Unfortunately, people have bought into that flawed logic.

Only the cousin is qualified to decide what the benefit will be. This is information about her life that is being wrongfully and cruelly withheld from her. Someoneoutthere is not qualified to decide how or if it will benefit her cousin.

It matters not a whit WHY someoneoutthere tells her, only that she does the right thing and does tell her. Her "guilt," or lack thereof is irrelevant. Even though this is WHY she feels guilty. Her moral obligation to tell her cousin supercedes her motivation.

It is in someoneoutthere's and the cousin's BEST INTEREST for the truth to come out. Continuing this FRAUD is in NO ONE'S best interest.

If all you see here is "black & white", then I think I see the difference in our perspectives, because this situation is surrounded by areas of "grey".

...and I have to call BS on "Since when did the TRUTH hurt anyone" ... what a stupid statement. Let me tell you, on July 25, 2007, when I learned the TRUTH of my WW's A ... the TRUTH hurt like ******. The lies also hurt, but the TRUTH cut to my soul.

In this case, I see 2 relevant points that cause me to feel as I do:

1. This happened over 5 years ago, and most importantly,

2. All four parties to these 2 marriages (both BS & both WS) have now divorced and gone their seperate ways.

The two waywards didn't wind up together. None of these people, including the cousins, have "regular" contact. Will the "benefit" of the truth to the innocent cousin be greater than the "pain" this new information causes?

We have experienced success in following the MB principles, but some of you appear to think they are carved in stone with no deviance allowed for specific circumstances. These are human beings we're discussing, not programmed machines, and they will respond differently to new information and circumstances. IMHO, this is NOT a one size fits all circumstance.

Feel free to differ, but don't expect everyone to agree.

I'm sorry, but this is not a valid analogy. When the truth is revealed, the neighbor can get monetary restitution for his losses from the bookkeeper, but someone can't "UNSCREW" her cousins XWH.

It simply "is what it is" and IMHO, I think there is a reasonable chance that dragging up dirt from this far in the rear view mirror will cause more pain than any perceived benefit for the cousin.

...And at this point, for what purpose ... both marriages are dissolved and all parties have gone their seperate ways.

In this case, it appears that someone is simply wanting to transfer her guilt (******, look at the title of this thread) to her innocent cousin, and that to me is much more WRONG.

But you miss the point of the analogy entirely. We tell a person a crime has been committed against because they have a RIGHT TO KNOW and so they can protect themselves from the perp. If someone's child is molested do we not tell the parents because it would "cause them pain" and because "there is no monetary restitution?" Do we not do it because the child cannot be "unscrewed?"

C'mon, that is ludicrous. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

The cousin has a right to know the truth about her own life and someoneoutthere has a moral obligation to tell her and ask her forgiveness. Guilt is a warning signal that the conscience is troubled. Someoneoutthere has been getting warning signals for years and probably will until she does the right thing by her cousin.


First off, she can't "transfer guilt" because the cousin has done nothing wrong. What is wrong is to screw someone's H and then lie to them about that. THAT IS what is wrong.

Thank you all for your replies. Thank you for your time and concern. I am at work but I will read and reply later.

God bless,
someone

I was WRONG in my post to you. I'd like to back up and recant my statement yesterday where I said:

“I don't recall anywhere in the Bible where Jesus said, ‘Go and sin no more... after you confess to the people you've hurt without their knowledge.’”

I was reading RLT’s thread this morning and Johnstwin (waving at Johnstwin – hope you don’t mind!) so eloquently stated this:

“I just wanted to respond to something your F(?)WH's friend said about not bringing back past sins because "God had forgiven". It's been bugging me all day.

It isn't that simple-and it isn't what the bible says. These aren't my ideas. They are Jesus' teachings.

He was talking to his Jewish audience and, once again, He was clarifying the difference between following the "rules" and actually living out one's faith. He said that if any of them was in the temple with an offering to God (to ask for forgiveness) and remembered an offense against their brother, that person was to leave the offering and go to the brother they offended to ask forgiveness. Jesus instructs us to go to those we have sinned against and confess and then ask forgiveness of God. (Matt 5:23-24)

Yes, God forgives true repentant hearts. But God is also interested in the offender owning what they did. Because that is what repentance is, confessing and then turning away from the behavior.

In the parable of the Prodigal son, the son had to "come to his senses" and then come back. He was prepared to ask forgiveness and then to say to his father he wasn't worthy of being called his son anymore. The Prodigal was willing to become a servant. The interesting part of this is, in the parable, the Prodigal makes his confession "Father I have sinned against God and you..." but that's as far as the father lets him go. The Prodigal had to own what he did, and then the grace of forgiveness restored him. (Luke 15:11-24).

God will forgive us if we ask, but He doesn't let us shrug our responsibility in the process.”

I think this says it all.

This is exactly how I see it, PM. Jesus was real clear about repentance, and continuing to lie about this is not repentance. Nor is it in someoneoutthere's best interest. It is in no one's best interest to keep this a secret.

Melody, Weaver, My Revelation, Hope, Princess:

Thank you for your time and advice.

It is not my intention to pass on my guilt. Yes, I want to get rid of it. But not to comfort myself at the expense of others. That is my question- How?

Yes, we came from a close-knit family. Though, in the past 15 years we're living in different countries and have seen twice since then.

And yes, confessing to my cousin would mean confessing to my entire family... and family friends. I know that is the consequence of my sin---

Aside from my pastor, I had the courage to confessed only to my STBXH and my 3 very good friends. And to share with all of you here in MB.

I had the chance to come clean, when the talks about the A came out five years ago and I was questioned by some of our family members. But I denied it. I know, it made it worst.


someone

Princess,

You're right- that's why I feel convicted everytime I go to church or being part on any church activities and organization. When people acknowledge my effort & contribution- I feel bad because I know I am rotten...

Someone

You are NOT rotten. Stop that. You sinned. I've sinned. In fact, most of us sin daily. The important thing is to recognize the sin when it happens and ask for forgiveness... from God and from others that may be affected.

Will your cousin and family hate you or never speak to you again because of it? It's a possibility. But that should not even be a consideration at this point. You're not doing it to win a popularity contest. You're doing it because you want to go on in your walk with the Lord.

You need to confess to your cousin and family so you can truly have a clean slate and start living your life without guilt and remorse.

And don't you think God will honor your confession? You may not see it immediately, but He will. Pray before you do this and ask for mercy and favor from those that you have harmed. Have you thought about writing out what you want to say before you do it? Or asking your pastor to go with you?

When this is done, you'll be able to lay your head down at night knowing that you have nothing to hide anymore. You'll feel clean... and be truly done with your past... finally.

Telling them the truth is not harmful to them, someone. The truth is therapeutic. It resolves, it soothes, even though it hurts. Even though my H's affair HURT, I was glad to know the truth. Most people hate being lied to and appreciate the truth. You already know they suspect; they just want the truth.

But even so, the way they handle it is entirely their business. You have no control over that. Your only obligation is to tell them the truth and apologize for your actions. The way they handle it is up to them. It doesn't matter if you are telling them to relieve guilt, what matters is your obligation to tell your cousin the truth and ask her forgiveness. THAT is your obligation and the matter of your guilt does not invalidate that.

Princess & Melody,

Thank you very much. I will talk to my pastor.

God bless,
Someone

You are advocating dishonesty.

You think it is better to keep secrets, to practice deception, than to tell the truth about what you have done to someone.

The truth did not hurt you, the act did. The betrayal. The deception.

And you are right, I see no grey area in this sitch. None at all. And I am so thankful for that. I know what is right and what is wrong, and dishonesty is wrong.

And it hurts both the deceiver and the deceived.

I totally agree with Weaver and Melody. I also think that Jesus's instructions on forgiveness have been clearly stated on this thread. Dr. Harley also believes in telling the truth to the betrayed, even years later. He said so on his radio show.

Someone you will only have peace when you do the right thing. Repentance is not saying I'm sorry, it's making up for your wrongdoing and telling your cousin the truth will help her understand what happened to her marriage.

You can't wait for the "right feelings" because they will never come You have to decide to do it. I will pray that you have the courage.

What's up Someone?

In my humble opinion - look at this five years from now. What if you develop a better relationship with your cousin. What if you ARE at the thanksgiving table in coming years. If the truth comes to your cousin from a source other than yourself - then you will have been living a lie for five or ten or fifteen years. If you confess now - then you will have to deal with the issue now -with the whole family watching - but great healing may very well occur between you and your cousin. Or it may not. But you will have done the correct thing before God - and that is important.

One other thing to consider - what if your cousin already knows. And is just not saying anything.

What you have to loose is the relationship with your cousin. Yes, she will experience pain. But with pain comes healing.

Are you ready to loose the current relationship you have with her? (and begin having a real one?)

just my .02. might only be worth that.

foundareason