NewLife07...Resentment and Intimacy - Marriage Builders® Forums

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LA,

I don't wish to threadjack here so not quite sure how far to take this.

I have struggled and am struggling greatly with the lack of intimacy I feel with H. He is not one who "chooses" to let me know what is on the inside. I want to know what goes on deeper in his head and heart.

From all you have written, I am feeling like that is a DJ to think his efforts are shallow most of the time. I want MORE.
[quote calling the interaction superficial, instead of only judging YOUR part...your half)

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Your agenda may be inside-out...what you're really saying is that each time you share something with her, you're lying...because you're really wanting to say...

"Because I hurt, I crave your remorse as an act of love. I crave your ILYs because I hear love, that's how I feel it. I crave to know your thoughts, because I'm believing that if you share all of them with me, I'll be safe. I'm discovering my own places of fantasy inside. My manipulation, cruelty, control and fantasy. I feel a lot of rejection most of the time. I want to see our connection more than focus on rejection. The more I uncover in myself, the closer I feel to you."

This says so well what I feel when I try for some kind of interaction with H.

How did you figure this all out, LA? This is some good work you have done sorting this all out. My head is spinning trying to put it all in place and role playing it all out with H and I as the players.

I am on the cusp of getting it, but there is so much I would like to clarify with you.

But I don't want to completely TJ Sad's thread.

NL

I copied your post...hope that was okay.

I'm here...I remember the cusp.

LA

As for that DJ about why he doesn't share with you...

Yeah, that's corrosive to you, your admiration of him and your love. Not a healthy assumption.

My DH didn't share his stuff...would not allow himself to speak of his feelings, especially anger and pain...he was just a silent guy, and when he talked, it was about sports, or work (work mostly), sometimes the family or kids.

He listened. He listened a lot. And what he heard was "fix me, fix me, fix me." He didn't want to share so I heard "fix me." I heard it anyway...and worked on him like project...fixing.

Such disrespect. I feel shame right now in sharing that with you. Enmeshment is real...and the overlap is rough, hurt-filled.

Growing up, I was told what to feel, when to feel it, how to feel it and why I should feel it...same for thoughts and beliefs. And I remember most all the instructions on what not to feel/think/believe/perceive. I had no second thoughts about telling my DH what he should and shouldn't for all that, as well...nor my sons.

I carried it on...didn't understand the distinction between others' stuff and their actions...what to judge and what to accept...nor was I set on understanding first.

My DH talks a lot now, NL. That's not me changing him...that's me changing me and him doing a heckuva lot of work himself...and he shares...and shares...and it's abundance to know...

Doesn't make me any safer...doesn't protect me from anything or change who DH really is...he shares to be intimate, that's his goal...and I listen, listen, listen.

Delightful. Incredible. And I believe I wouldn't be experiencing this without doing my resentment work.

My resentment made him my enemy; the cause, control and cure for my own stuff...my pain, anger, fear.

As much a fantasy as believing the other person makes the marriage...that it's all about finding the right partner, not being one.

Hope this helps.

LA

LA...my soulmate....

ME TOO, ME TOO...Your post coulda been me talking...

Mimi...who everyday finds it truly AMAZING....how my changes have led to my H's changes..as I sit back and LISTEN and he TALKS..and TALKS..and TALKS....OMG, about his FEELINGS...