Marriage Builders
in the same thought of the lines spoken (OK YELLED) by the daughter in the movie Poltergiest...

when she pulls up home to find her house being sucked away...

WHAT'S HAPPENING!!!!!!!??????????????????????????

I am having a hard time indentifying any true plan A'ers round these parts....

and not so sure what's going on....
who or how to help

and then of ourse there is the other old issue where plan B means NO CONTACT period...no need to discuss or muse that one....but......

I personally hate the terms plan A and B...
fodder for the OP

belief that it's a game...

but really it's a road map.....and a place to be grounded amongst insane things......

so for lack of better terms....plan A and plan B it is....

but they are both much much much more....

those that stick to them...
ROAR in their once missing and flaying belief's in purpose and value....

regardless of the actual marital status outcome....

so just kindof curious where exactly are people lining up on this continuem of chaos...

or are people mired in the bogs of debate....

ARK
I'm past the bogs of debate, and in Plan D...but if you define Plan B as simply being dark, I'm doing that, too. Even though the D was WH's idea, not mine, I am playing it smart, and taking care of myself with integrity and strength....and thru my attorney.

Although I have only spoken to WH once since Plan B started on March 3, I took a good five months for my own fog to clear and I began to feel like recovery was actually happening. During that time, I was probably in the "limbo land" you described.

And honestly, that one conversation did much to clear up for me where WH was....and it is not a pretty place. He knows what he is doing is wrong, but he's doing it anyway. Wow. What a way to live.

It has been a long, long hard road since d-day 15 months ago.

So where am I? Clearly not in Plan A. I am dark, but I now see my darkness as a CHOICE that I am making for ME, not as a strategy for marital recovery.

There is a major distinction, IMO. If I categorize myself as being in Plan B, then I sort of feel like my "status" is defined by WH; that I am behaving in response to WH's choice to end our marriage and/or continue his A. Living in response to WH's choices is not living my own best life.

RIGHT NOW, being dark protects me from potential hurts that WH can hurl my way. The few hurts that do get lobbed over the fence (via WH's scumbag attorney) don't affect me nearly as much as they would have six months ago.

My plan now is Plan LS. I am living for me and my boys. I am not waiting on WH to change. I am not waiting for my marriage to be resurrected from the ashes. I am CHOOSING to be dark because I do not wish to be attacked; I want to keep myself safe.

In the other areas of my life, I am seeking the light--joy, happiness, friendships, family. An Anti-Plan B. I have turned my face to these things, and away from the ugliness that lives in Affairland.

It is all I can do...if I ever want to feel joy again.

So if it is a continuum of chaos, then I am beyond Plan B.
Ark

I am in a definite Plan B--designed totally to recover for myself (not the M--WH is too far gone for that and I've decided to cut my losses). If WH does not pull any stunts I'll be divorced in the summer of 2008.

Since we have no children and most of the martial property has been divided, I've been in a DARK Plan B since 7/17. While I have my good and bad days (which I was warned to expect), Plan B was key to me moving out of the BS fog, looking at my marriage clearly, making positive changes for me, and deciding the best thing for me was to divorce and hopefully find love and partnership with someone else in due time.

My sitch may be different from many other MBers because now my Plan B is not for the recovery of my M and so it is no longer tied to whether or not my WH would do what was needed to recover our relationship. He can do as he pleases--as long as my assets are protected. I just want as much peace, healing and clarity as I can acheive as I journey through this loss. Interacting in any way with WH would only interfere with that process.

Each day (even on the bad days) I see a little more progress. Baby steps, baby steps...

LilSis--

Just wanted to let you know that I have followed your journey since I joined MB. Like your XWH, my WH is well aware that his cheating and living with OW is wrong but he will do nothing to correct his actions. You are an inspiration to me. You've done so well and come so far. I hope to be in a similar place by this time next year.

Smartiepants
My D-Day was only 8/26 so in the timeline I -should- be in Plan A.

She's out of the house though and completely emotionally detached.. so I -should- be in Plan B

I'm in the middle of her Plan D, and fighting a custody battle.. I can't afford a Plan B letter to damage my case, so what I'm up to right now is... well.. as they said to me on the radio show.. a Modified Plan B

I'm pleasant to her.. small talk, and stuff about DS but nothing more when I have no choice but to be in contact with her (transfers and such).. but I'm not initiating any more contact and not going to allow myself to get sucked into R talk etc.

I think I can work that plan.. it's allowed me to detach and work on me.. and still gives her glimpses in to see what changes I'm making.. and more or less insulates me from the A.. I guess.

I'm a little anxious about what's going to happen when she gets the answers to the questions her lawyer sent over.. but am already coming up with what I need to say/do to deflect her..

Honestly I'm getting to the point where I know I'm going to be just fine without her if she doesn't come back. I love her, I love my family and want more than anything to give this a go and provide a stronger marriage for us, and a loving mother/father relationship for our children.

Besides.. I got God on my side.. what's to worry about right?
limbo land for sure

Still trying to figure out the road map.

Working on MY issues with the help of some great folks here!

Praying the WH wakes up and sees serious help is needed for our M. Seeking advice, counseling or whatever, but finally acknowleding he HAS to be part of the solution.
I'm in limbo and will be until WH finds another job. He had an "interview" (I use the term loosely because the job is not yet available and he has worked for this employer before), this morning for a potential job beginning the end of November. We have searched endlessly for jobs and nothing has come about.

However, WH FINALLY has figured out that no matter how sincere he is, how much he proves his love, intentions and all that jazz to reconcile our M, that it will not be fixed until he no longer works with OW.

That's where we are...
I'm in my tenth month of Plan B (as dark as it can be given that I have two small children who go back and forth quite a bit). There's a divorce meandering through the process--WW hasn't been pushing it.

I'm increasingly ambivalent about recovery of my marriage. I would still like for the biological parents of my children to be in love, but that seems less likely all the time.
I could never plan A

just me

Max
Ark,

I was in Plan A from Feb 2007 to July. Went to Plan B July 17th.

Completed Plan D Oct. 4th - not my choice.

I am staying focused on me & my kids. I am feeling a bit of "transition" right now from a dark Plan B to what is going to be (like LilSis) Plan Bugs. I don't feel like I am in "limbo" really, just at the point where I need to set what will work for ME long term.

I found Plan A the 'easiest' in many ways. Having learned so much here at MB and through the books, etc, it made sense to me in order to do the best I could to save a M that I truly wanted.

I am still sad it didn't work out the way I had hoped, but I am ever so grateful for what I have learned here, for the friends I have found, and the support I continue to receive.
Went to plan B March 06 have been totally dark since then even though we have 3 children only one sees him.

Plan D completed 1 Oct H filed

It has been a long two years and I am looking forward to the next phase in my life whether it be with H or not.
Good thread Ark. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

My additional question is why are plans A & B so often misunderstood and misapplied? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

L.
Ark -

I am in limbo, wanting to continue with Plan A, but have no real opportunity and just setting up things to I can move into Plan B.

This pain and sadness is beyond belief and though I completely get he is in an addiction, I just am so hopeless it will work out.

Great thread and my heart goes out to all of you who are hearting as deeply as me. I wouldn't wish this on the OW.

Skinsgal
Hi Ark,

I was in PLAN B for over two years (since July 2005) ...working on me, protecting me, healing me, all the while holding on to the hope that WS would find his way back home....

Some of WS's choices recently confirmed this would not be happening any time soon if ever....

I initiated D proceedings.....for additional 'financial' protection...

....in the meantime....reality seems to continue to 'hit' hard WS in laland.....because given the ages of my boys...after two years of one week/one week... they have asked that they stay with me full-time and this time, knowing that WS could not legally force it to be otherwise, I did not refuse ... as WS has not been able to establish the kind of relationship with them that makes it 'living out of suitcases' worthwhile just to see DAD (which I guess may not be too surprising).... they will now only see each other 'by choice'...

I do hope that WS wakes up soon.... if by choice he gave up on our M for a R he thought he wanted more..... now, one of the 'unwanted' consequences is the damage it seems to have done to his relationship with the boys... ..... if my unwillingness to do friendly co-parenting and going dark with PLAN B hit WS hard.... his boys not 'choosing' to continue to go to his place seems to be hitting him even harder....

I do still care very much about S/WS... and I am very sad for the place he is at....as is the case for all other WS's.... because I know he is not happy.... but then.... he is a grown man.... and he has been making the choices that have placed him there.... he thought he was choosing his 'soulmate'.... he is NOW being forced to see that it comes at a very high price...

I, OTOH, as a BS I think I saw the high price of the A at D-day... being punched over and over again and being kept 'down' on the floor... does not even compare to the pain I experienced when faced with the loss of my S and my family..... I was DEVASTED....

After working really hard for over two years... today, inspite of the loss, while not necessarily 'overjoyed' ..... I do appreciate the peace and lack of chaos from no longer being part of a triangle, I am proud to have chosen PLAN B and stuck with it and so did the best I could to minimize the damage to my soul, if initially I did the best I could to maintain some normalcy and 'strucuture' the week the boys were with me inspite of being emotionally drained.... I have now reached a point where I KNOW I am more available for them...emotionally.... as all parents should be.....

I enjoy my work, the people I work with, I know my FOO (even though far) care and love me, I am surrounded by good friends I can count on, the boys are 'home'.... I did my best at being the 'lighthouse'.... but WS is just too lost or too far.....

....I am grieving my losses.... but in a quite way... filling the void with other 'positive' life experiences....

....life is good.... I will look forward to the 'quite' joys of life that the loss of innocence will allow.... because the pain has been a 'handleful' these last few years.....

Thanks Ark....for being there for us.....

You are OUR 'lighthouse'..... and know that I for one.... appreciate you very much....
© Marriage BuildersĀ® Forums