Lets see who gets plan A...

Plan A is a series of actions and philosophies that ground a person who is trying to traverse the murky emotional affair waters after discovery...

the rules are in fact quite shocking...

the more we list...
the more people who don't know...
just might get it...

here's two of them that seems in my opinion to throw people off...

1. Only the BS does Plan A...it is not discussed with the WS
there is no "WE" are in plan A...

and the one that stumps a lot..

2. Plan is done inspite of continued contact between the WS and OP...there is no holding back of plan A because of anything the WS does or doesn't do..

anyone want to play?

other wise I will have to ramble on and on in my usual arklike tedious fashion...

ARK^^

Go for it ARK^^!!!!!!!!

2.a expect contact, do not be flabberghasted, shocked or otherwise when contact occurs. Expect it. The affair is not over...yet.

2.b. "Obstacles are those frightful things we see when we take our eyes off of the goal" ~~Henri Ford

Otherwise stated by Ark as "...there is no holding back of plan A because of anything the WS does or doesn't do.."

So begin with the end in mind, and keep your eye on the end goal.



3. Plan A done correctly will restore a sense of self-respect in the BS.

3.a Avoiding DJ's is a very good way to restore self-respect.

Here's one of my rules for plan A.

NEVER, EVER, NEVER have SF with a WS until they have been tested for STD's. If you have already unknowing have...get yourself tested and do not go back until you are sure you are having monogamous safe sex.

No marriage is worth losing your life to a STD.

Learn how to babble back, as taught by Orchid.

for instance, and this is my favorite -

Calling someone a bold faced liar is a DJ, even though they ARE lying right through their teeth, a much better way to respond and stay in Plan A form is to -

1. Say something to the effect of "Wow, my eyes must be playing tricks on me or something, because your nose seems like it is growing.

2. "OMG, your pants are on fire" and then just walk out of the room.

These types of responses to a bold faced lie will allow you to not engage in fruitless battle dialog with a wayward. I found the more I called him a liar to his face, the more ground I lost. And it was absolutely pointless in getting him fess up.

To do otherwise...to make a game out of the different fun ways you could respond will start to confuse him.

Become the best person you can be regardless of the sitch...be the person that anyone would want to be with!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

To thy own self be true...

Find that person that you have given away...bit by bit!

Gag order on ALLLLLL relationship talk..

never ever say..

you need to commit to working on this marriage

Plan A still does not CONDONE or AID the affair. It doesn't just accept that contact. It continues to put pressure on the WS to end that contact, by allowing the WS to suffer any and all consequences of the affair. This includes the effects of exposure, any financial impacts of decisions to fund the affair, dealing with the emotional trauma created by the affair to other family members and/or friends, and also not being shielded from the pain and suffering the BS experiences as a result of continued contact.

Plan A is NOT being a doormat.

Plan A focuses on making yourself the more attractive choice between the BS and the OP, by meeting the WS's emotional needs and by making PERMANENT changes in the behavior patterns of the BS that contributed to the state of the marriage.

Plan A makes the affair no fun by forcing the WS (and collaterally the OP) to deal with the ramifications of having the affair exposed to all those people who would not approve and will put pressure on the WS/OP to end the affair. It takes the glory, the illicit thrill, and the excitement out of the affair and forces it to be recognized as what it is...an unhealthy, immoral relationship between people who should not have started it in the first place.

And by all means make sure the OP has been made aware that the WS is married. Often times they have been told lies about the state of marriage, and even that the WS is single.

And in some cases the OP will drop the WS once they are aware of the pain of the BS and the children involved.

Expect from the beginning as a BS, YOU are NOT going to receive respect or praise for your Plan A efforts. View Plan A as self improvement.

Ditto Ditto Ditto!

The most obvious and glaring hole in plan A!

All Blessings,
Jerry

pick an end date to plan A..
prepare for plan B mid plan A

Ark,

You already said "gag order" on relationship talks, but I think that needs to apply to the expectations of the BS as well. During Plan A the WS will not be, likely to commit to repairing the relationship, so when they don't, the BS should not be surprised.

and...

BS must understand that every WS has found their "soul mate," is "madly in love," has found the perfect person...etc. Please just ignore that and do the next part of the PLAN. The better you become at ignoring the alien-speak fog-babble blah-blah-blah the better you will be able to remain focused on what YOU need to do next. Because it isn't dependent on what the WS does while you are executing Plan A.

Don't confuse this with attempting to glean information the WS might have about any real grievances that you may be able to self adjust in order to remove those as excuses for continuing the affair. This is how you determine what the ENs of the WS are without doing MB exercises with someone who is not willing to work on the M. So when they talk about you, examine what they say to see if it is something you can work on, but when they talk about OP and how much in love...blah-blah-blah...ignore it.

Good topic, Ark!

Mark

Do all of your exposing at once so that 1) WS won't have time to cook up a rebuttal story and 2) it will have greater impact on the affair.

Protect your marital assets: 1) file a divorce action or legal separation if necessary to stop WS from squandering $$; 2) open your own separate bank account until or if WS straightens up; 3) start squirreling money away just in case; 4) see an attorney and find out what your state requires to protect your assets.

in furtherance to what you said Mark, it is very important that the BS has no expectations during Plan A. Plan A is all about the BS and the end goal. The focus has to be on the BS because -

When the BS allows themself to focus on the WS, they become lost in a sea of alien induced confusion. Obstacle, obstacle, obstacle.

Women seem like they have a much harder time with this, and I think it must have to do with our not being goal oriented until recent times. Now women are learning how to set goals, plans, etc without getting sidetracked by the obstacles that pop up along the way. IE, the WS acts rude, they find out about another contact, the WS acts nice, the WS acts mean.

Graycloud described the alien WS behavior as the crazy making machine. And I thought that was a helpful way at looking at it while you are in Plan A.

Don't put your plan in the hands of the crazy making machine...they'll just make a mess of it.

Plan A components for a BS to know and understand...

* Offer a genuine apology for your shortcomings in the marriage, and make it your duty to change those shortcomings for the better.

* Exposure is critical in stopping the affair, however, it should be done (as stated above) to the extent to impact those closest to the wayward spouse, to gain their support in coaxing the WS to end the affair. Exposure should be done without warning the WS it will take place...it should just take place.

* Plan A does not include begging, sniveling, whining and continued confrontations. It does include (although you may be crumbling inside) a strong show of confidence in the future of the marriage, and a series of actions that prove the confidence is for real.

* Plan A means taking complete charge of child rearing responsibilities, because a Wayward is so deep in the fog they are not likely capable.

* Plan A does NOT mean you have to be a full-time babysitter, absolving the Wayward of parenting responsibilities while the Wayward is cavorting with the OP.

* Plan A does not mean protecting the Wayward from the consequences of their choices.

* Plan A means offering unconditional love, without expectation of receiving anything in return.

* Plan A requires understanding that in most cases the BS has to do the lions share of work to save a marriage, unfair as it seems.

Good topic, Ark

Mark, you already said this...


This blah-blah-blah talk may also include how they have NEVER loved you and marrying you was a mistake. This is what we call "rewriting marital history" and pretty much all WS do it. But as Mark says, don't completely discount a WS' grievances... just understand the difference between a justifed grievance (on which you can improve) and rewriting your history.

Copied from the second post on my Musings thread:

TO ALL BETRAYED SPOUSES:

You can’t MAKE anything happen.
There is NO magic bullet.
Recovery will NOT be instant gratification.

The fog does NOT usually go away until NC has been established and has gone on for quite a while, sometimes it may take as long as the A itself lasted.

ALL YOU CAN DO IS:

Make changes to yourself that show the WS what you can be and what is possible.
Make the home, with the BS, a safe place for the WS to be and a better place than the A.
Request, not demand that the A end.
Exhibit care, compassion and concern for WS’s well being.
Protect the rest of the family from WS’s actions as much as within your power.
Protect your and family finances as much as is legally possible.
Expose the A to anyone within the circle of influence of WS and OP, including OP’s BS.

YOU SHOULD NOT: (as much as is within your power)

Finance the A in any way. (This includes rent at another place, car payments or paying for babysitting so the WS can meet with OP)
Allow the children to have any contact with OP.
Discuss the state of the relationship and expect a commitment from the WS.
Attend MC as long as there is contact between WS and OP. (WS often considers this as a “good faith” offer that absolves them of responsibility for the break-up of the M since they can say “I tried MC and it still didn’t work)
Trust the WS to tell the truth about anything.
Attempt to use the threat of exposure as leverage. Exposure is a good thing but it should not be used as a threat and must happen without warning to be of any real value.
Leave the marital home or ask the WS to leave before the beginning of Plan B.
Threaten divorce or file for divorce unless you wish to end the M. (except in the case of having to file as a means of protecting marital assets from an actively WS.)
Make threats, attempt to coerce or belittle the WS.
Attempt to implement any MB practice or principal other than unilaterally. (You can’t make him/her do what is right while they are wayward.)
Simply sit around, worry about the A and wallow in pity for yourself. (Do something with the kids and ask WS to join you or go out with friends)
Beg, plead or cry to the WS.



Mark

Well ther you go MEDC,
this post has already gotten 5 stars <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />
But no one will talk about that gaping hole in plan A re STD's.

Good luck( and it will take alot of that) to all,

All Blessings,
Jerry

SF was/is a primary EN of my H's which I had neglected, which was the initial impetus for his A....

I do not feel there's anyway that we would be in MARITAL RECOVERY if I had not had SF with him during PLAN A...NO WAY...it really, really hurt him that I REJECTED him so often for many years..

I'm not advocating this for anyone else.

But, I do wonder how you are recommending for this issue to be handled if PLAN A involves meeting your WS' PRIMARY ENs...

It is a major hole in plan A. It fails to take into account a BS safety when it comes to SF. Anyone that has sex with a WS is playing Russian Roulette and is nothing more than flat out lucky to come out of the situation alive and well.

SF as far as an EN cannot be safely met with a WS. It just can't happen and any suggestion that a BS should sleep with their WS even at the risk of their life (and I know you are not suggesting this for anyone else, only merely again, pointing out what worked so well for you) is simply wrong. Any WS that would put his spouses health at risk by doing so may not be worth getting back in the first place.

STD's kill people....they make BS, dead spouses.

What if you felt like you weren't living anyway without your spouse?

What if you didn't want to live a life without your spouse?

Certain death or a RISK of death?

If that is how someone felt, I would suggest they see a psychologist to help them deal with a very big issue that is impacting their life.

does this post have to turn in to a debate...

does it really?

when in plan A keep emotions in check as much as possible...

WS will use emotions like a weapon...

see you are too angry
too upset
too emotional...

it solidifies their thought that things are too far gone to get better we should just break up there's too much damage..

or they use it as fodder with the op..
my spouse is crazy
my spouse is too depressed
my spouse is too emotional

ark

I recommend that a person definitely see a psychologist during PLAN A..which I did.

I had been with my H since the age of 18, had never been with another man. I did not want to live.

I personally feel strongly about this issue so won't continue to TAINT this WONDERFUL thread.

But I do want to add that, most importantly, I HAD FAITH that the LORD would take care of me. HE was MY SALVATION. I trusted in the LORD with all my heart...

I turned to HIM in the midnight hours and I recommend that more importantly than seeing a psychologist....

Plan A will not convince the WS to end the affair. Expect the WS to reciprocate....nothing.

act in ways the WS does not expect...

it get their attention...
and plants doubt...

ALSO

men who are BS be very very very wary of being set up for restraining orders...

never ever lose control so that they can try to do this to you...
it's awful

ARK

ha ha ha..I found the search button..
AND
my eight year old didn't have to help me...

ha ha ha..

bumping up this one...

ark

and return with a fire extinguisher

Ding ding ding and why exposure is key during plan A.

*BUMP*

Bump

I am trying to hold on to plan A and sometimes its tooo difficult

This part hit home for me in terms of trying to show a stong confidence even though I am crumbling inside. Trying to maintain my actions that prove and help build confidence is very difficult to stay with and seeing this in print is reinformenet that I need to keep at it . Its a constant struggle to stay motivated to keep working and not allow the crumbling feeling to weaken your knees and fall on the floor.