I'm planning on executing a well thought out a Plan A on my wife …staying with it for a short time and then going to plan B.
We're separated, she's cheating and I know it... she doesn't know that I know. She’s an alcoholic.
My understanding about plan A is that it’s kind of a two pronged attack. (The Carrot and the Stick) The carrot being that you have to show them what the marriage "could be" by meeting their emotional needs.
The stick being the total exposure of the affair to everyone who would might influence the ending of the affair.
My question is about the carrot… before exposing the affair should I be doing anything to meet her emotional needs?
Right now we don’t even talk. The last time we talked was two days ago and that was only because she needed to get something from the house.
Should I do anything like send her flowers to work?
I think one of her emotional needs is conversation… When we first met we would talk on the Internet for hours… and literally fall asleep talking on the phone. Should I try to have any conversations like that with her before exposure?
Honesty and openness may be one of her other most important emotional needs. Should I come clean on any lies that I’ve told her recently…like…. Before she moved out I took one of the pendants that I gave her…. Should I give it back?
Any guidance would be appreciated.
Chuck
What do you think talking to a WS would accomplish? Have you read SAA and HNHN? How about Love must tough?
Prior to plan A, you s/b reading..... securing your finances and creating your support group.
While in plan A, you s/b exposing, going to the doctor, work on your personal self-improvements. Work with an MC who will help you develop a good plan A & B, identify your personal and M boundaries and execute them when your mind and heart are in sync.
What do you have left t/d?
L.
I've ordered SAA and HNHN for parents but they haven't got here yet. Love must be tough? Is that another book by Dr. Harley?
My finances are secure and in order.
My family is very supportive but I haven’t made any contact with hers out of fear that they won’t be supportive or keep their mouth shut…
I haven’t been to the Doctor… Its on my to-do list…I’ve made a commitment to go to the gym and get back in shape… did 4 ½ miles on the treadmill Monday. I figure since I’m loosing weight I might as well help it along… I’ve lost 12 pounds in about 2 weeks.
I went to a counselor 3 times last week. But my next appointment isn’t until next week. I may have to find another counselor… I was refereed to this one by my insurance and I’m not sure if she’s pro marriage or if familiar with Dr. Harley’s books.
Thanks for the advice orchid.
CG
How long should I wait before I expose? Right now I'm an emotional wreck and don't think I can talk to her about it withought crying... I need to be strong but I'm not right now. I've been to the doctor, counselor, etc... I don't want to epose before the PI is finished.
I've been looking for a pro marriage counselor who is familiar with Dr. Harley's books but I haven't found one yet...
Everyone who has posted thanks for everything... I really need this place for the support and understanding.
Chuck
Call Steve or Jennifer @ MB for some phone counseling. Info is in the Counseling Center info above.
Reading will help you calm down, regain your composure, control and help you refocus.
Take a look at my links about reverse babble, the 5 stages of grieving.
Remember you can't teach a WS anything so don't waste YOUR valuable time. Instead spent that time working on you. Make yourself shine.
Know that the WS' aim w/b to discredit and depress you. Keep that to a minimum.
You should already be in plan A.
JMHO,
L.
I'm not in Plan A yet... I'm waiting for the PI to finish and for me to be stronger before I expose the affair. I think I'm doing better everyday. I read you're reverse babble... That's Great!
10ft, Plan A is not called for in the case of an alcoholic. It is impossible to meet the needs of an alcoholic and she will only view it as an opportunity to EXPLOIT you. Plan A is tantamount to ENABLING when it comes to an alcoholic and that is the worst thing you can do.
My suggestion would be to, instead, go to Alanon and get help for yourself. They will teach you how to protect yourself from her. Here is a good article written by Dr Harley about addictions:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5048a_qa.html
p.s. you may want to peek in on ImJustJulies thread. She is also married to an alcoholic and there are other Alanons over there posting to her.
Love Must be Tough is by Dr James Doctor. The cd's were invaluable to me on my darkest days. I could listen to him in the car and get some clarity in between crying.
You are doing great by getting out and exercising. Get those endorphins movin!
This is one of the worst time periods since you just found out. Keeping a journal helps to. You can gripe and moan, write to God, plan your next "moves", get out your feelings good and bad, cuss her out if you must - however just on paper.
~Free
Melody,
As far as I know.... She doesn’t know that I know she's having an affair. (Is that confusing? LOL) At some point don't I need to tell her I know what she's doing?
I understand that Plan A doesn't work for alcoholics... However, In order for plan B to be effective shouldn't the last thing the WS remembers about you before you go dark is how you were meeting their emotional needs? I may be in somewhat of a gray area here because she already moved out… it would be difficult to meet any of her needs…
Funny you say something about Just Julie… I was reading her story just a few minutes ago…
I don’t see myself as co-dependant… I can’t tell you how many times I left her in a bar because she wouldn’t stop drinking…
Here’s a short story… you tell me if you think I have those tendencies.
The last time she got drunk (October 3rd 2007 the day she was supposed to go to court for her DWI but it got postponed.)
I came home at 5:30. She called at 7:30 and said she was at the bar (with her male friend from work… should have been a clue along time ago… DUH…) and was going to come get me and go back to the bar… we went …I drank 2 or 3 beers and then we left at about 9. I wasn’t drunk and I didn’t think she was either. On the way home we decided I was going to drop her off at the house, she was going to make us some tea and I was going to get milk from the store then come right back. I went to the store, then came home. When I got home she was having an argument with her daughter… I went to the bedroom and got on the computer…about 10 minutes later she came to the bedroom and I asked her if she was making tea? She said “Oh yea”… and left to go make tea… after about 10 minutes I hear a crash in the kitchen… I didn’t think too much of it… she must have dropped something. She falls down the stairs to our bedroom and she’s pissed her pants… At this point I know she’s drunk but I can’t understand how she got SOOOOOO drunk. When I dropped her off she seemed fine. (It’s been about 30-40 minutes since I she got home.) She stumbled into the bathroom and I went back to the computer. A couple of minutes later I hear a crash in the bathroom… she’s drunk and I figured she knocked something over. 5 minutes go by and she calls my name from the bathroom. I go in, she’s on the floor and there is a puddle of bright red blood the size of a paper plate on floor. Since she’s cooter brown drunk …she’s got the blood everywhere… on her clothes, on the toilette, on the sink… it looks like bloody murder. (I think she fell and hit her head on the corner of an open drawer.) I’m in the military, I’m certified in combat first aid… but this is enough blood that it scares me and I know that I have to do something quick. I find out where the blood’s coming from…she’s got a knot the size of a golf ball on her temple and theres an itsy bitsy cut too…(I’m still amazed that much blood came from that little bittty cut.) I get her cleaned up… get an ice pack for her head, get her undressed and get her in bed.
It gets worse from there on… but here’s the short version. She tries to talk to me in this drunken state about our marital problems. I try to be patient but there’s no reasoning with a drunk and she just ends up pissing me off… I go to the sofa… she follows 10 minutes later in a skimpy thing wanting sex and continuing to try and talk about our problems… My exact words were…”You have a drinking problem, you’re too drunk, and I’m not having this conversation with you right now ”… Her drunken response… “You ownt eber have dis conservation ”(Yes that right…CONSERVATION)…. My response…. “You’re so damn drunk you can’t even say conversation”… Then she attempts to go back to the bedroom… Crash bang boom…. She falls down the stairs and is on her [censored]… Now I’m hot… I get up, go to the stairs and say… “If you don’t think you have a drinking problem then you are exactly where you need to be right now.” When she woke up in the morning with a golf ball size knot on her temple and couldn’t remember how it got there, she suddenly decided she had a drinking problem and started going to AA. As far as I know she hasn’t had a drink since.
I asked her how she got so drunk and she thinks she had 3 or 4 shots of liquor after I dropped her off.
She got her DWI in our driveway… I could have saved her by making her go in the house… the officer would have had to get a search warrant to come in and get her… by that time she would have been sober. BUT… I didn’t…Mostly I let her make her own mistakes but when it comes to her bleeding to death I think I had to do something.
I find it somewhat humorous now but at the time it wasn’t. (Feel free to giggle if ya want… its OK) Sometimes people have to hit bottom before they admit there’s a problem… I thought the DWI was it…but it wasn’t
Anyway enough about my drunken wife….
I know I should probably go to some AL-ANON meetings but right now I’m kinda pissed off at Alcoholics Anonymous. I feel that my wife went there to get help and was preyed upon when she was most vulnerable by an alcoholic vulture. It might not be too productive for me to go there right now.
I got my books today…. It’s late and I need to read.
Sorry if I vented but I feel better now…..LOL….
Chuck