My H started an affair in early November. He left me shortly after Christmas to be with her. I found out a week after he left. He expressed a desire to make it work with us, and sounded like he regretted making the decision, but he had to take some time to decide what he wanted. I started plan a immediately.
One night after spending the day with WH, I got a weird feeling that he was with her. (he had told me he would not see her until he made his decision.) I drove to her house and his truck was in her driveway. I started to drive off, but I realized that maybe he was over there to end things with her, and I should not overreact. I decided to knock on the door to see what state they answered the door in. She answered in a robe with a mess of hair. Mystery solved.....

I just walked away without a word when she answered and went home. He called me 4 hours later, and I basically gave him a plan B letter over the phone. I told him I could no longer subject myself to his affair, and I wanted him completely out of my life until he made a decision one way or another.

He begged me to be reasonable, to please give him a little more time to end it with her. I agreed to give him until the weekend. (3 days)

Well, today we established no-contact. Empty feeling victory at best. The only problem is, neither one of us- especially me- wants to move back in together. We really are not interested in anything other than a 'dating' relationship. It is a mutual feeling. I cannot imagine having him back home after all this, and he needs some time to figure out why in the hel he went there....

All that was said to ask- how do we do this, and is this recovery? Or a sad attempt to reconcile something that is irretrievably broken.

Has anyone else tried this??? What steps should I take to protect myself. I already plan on being a little spy until I have plenty of proof that the afair is truly over for good. I do not expect her to just 'go away'.

Suggestions??????

anybody?

I think you are on the right path. I don't blame you for not wanting your WS to move back in yet. What a shock. And you were a class act the way you responded to that. Kudos to you.

Keep snooping and Plan A, in my humble opinion.

Be cautious, as I think your WS might have done the no contact to calm you down. I don't think you are unreasonable. As Orchid would say, keep plan B in your back pocket. Have you done a good plan A?

Just my opinion.
(((((HUGS Liz)))))

Weekends can be slow so be patient. Other people will be there to help you out.

Love in Christ,
Miss M <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Hi Liz
Affair to move out in two months is very fast! Was this an old girlfriend?

The empty feeling you have right now is pretty normal. How were things between you before the A started? Does he get on ok with your children?

and your question:

I would ask myself, if I were in your shoes, whether your WH has done this before - for instance how did his first marriage fail? It might give some insight to whether you have something worth fighting for and how to fight for it.

Sorry for firing questions but the more you tell us, the easier it will be for you to get good advice.

How was the "no contact" done?

I agree... this has moved really fast. From discovering the affair, moving out and now all the sudden it's over? I'm thinking not.

Are you in MC? I don't know how you can recover if you're not living together because Dr. H recommends 15 hours a week (at least) for just the two of you. I'm not saying let him move back in just yet, I just think it's going to be harder.

Can you call the Harleys? They can help you with a plan. Sounds like there's lots of work to be done and that can't be accomplished just by dating.

They worked together during the beginning of our marriage. He admits they talked about her failing marriage, but nothing happened. That was 3 years ago, and I do believe him on that. He owns his own handyman business, and she called to "have work done" He claims she told him on the initial conversation that her marriage had ended a year ago, and she had always had feelings for him. The phone records show that they had absolutley no contact until she called the 1st time, and then it was EVERY SINGLE DAY 5-10 times a day until he left.


Our marriage was seriously the best it has ever been before the affair began. When the affair began, it went down fast, and he kept finding reasons why we should not be together. I was frantic, plan aing him even before I knew about the stupid affair, because I could tell he was falling out of love with me. We went to a Halloween Party, and our friends commented on how happy and in love we seemed. On the way home from the party, we discussed the statement and both agreed about how happy and blessed we felt, and how we could not wait to spend our future together. That was 9 days before she called.

He struggles with my children. I have 2 active boys, and he yells at them daily, which is a source of contention with us. THat was one of the reasons he gave for leaving me.


His first marriage ended the same exact way. He always said how devastated he was with the choice, and how he could not imagine ever doing that again, etc. Should I just give up efforts in light of that?

His first marriage ended the same exact way. He always said how devastated he was with the choice, and how he could not imagine ever doing that again, etc. Should I just give up efforts in light of that? [/quote]

Liz, you have given us tons of information. I'm new here so can't answer your question but one of the vets will. You are in a great place!

Anyone have any advice??

Hi liz-

Things can get a bit slow on week-ends and holidays around here.

Have you read the Most Popular Links on the website? Another book that might help is Surviving An Affair by Dr. Harley. It is a detailed "battle plan" for both Plan A and Plan B and the purpose of each.

Let me make sure I understand this-your WH's 1st M ended because he had an A? I agree with PM, that you might want to get an appointment with the Harleys for this situation, especially if this is his second A.

Hang in there!

I just wanted to try to 'bump' this one more time. Does anyone have anything to offer?

Thanks!

Liz, just to add to what has already been said; yours is a really difficult situation because you are married to a serial adulterer and you have a blended family. That's why you are being advised to counsel with the Harleys.

This is as tough as they come.

Not that you can't recover your marriage, just that it is much harder.

My WW left 2.5 years ago and you could call what we have done is "dating". I would strongly advise against it. It is definately not recovery. To me, this is basically a strategy for a "soft landing" on a divorce.

It may seem like "dating" would be a less stressful way to work through the issues, but in reality it's just a way to avoid them.

When "dating" there is a strong desire for both the WS and the BS to keep the interactions happy and positive, since there is so little time together. The conversations are pleaseant, but superficial and safe. Unfortunately, recovery involves some unpleasant, deep and risky conversations. One always means to bring up the tough or painful topic, but then why ruin a nice evening. If one does bring them up too often, then the amount of "dating" declines. So in the end, you just keep avoiding the issues.

Avoiding issues makes one withdrawn from their spouse and resentful towards them. Eventually one (or both) just says let's end it.

I agree that counseling with the Harley's would be helpful. But just as important is for you to decide do you want to stay in the M or not.

Just my 2 cents.