There is a theme on these boards of late to just "be still." Bull puckey!

Don't just be still...act. Act with a purpose for sure...but don't just sit back and let life happen to you. ACT.

Too many people just sit still waiting for God to do something....does God lock your car doors? No. Does God put your seat-belt on? No. Pray...have faith...but take responsibility for your life and stop letting others mistreat you without defending yourself.

So many people on here just sit back...day after day...watching their lives sink deeper and deeper into [censored] and repeat over and over...just be still.

Get off your butts and do something to improve your lot in life.

I second that whole heartly...

Remember the story about the man in the flood and what God asked him when the man got to heaven?

God said will I sent you a boat, and two other things, what else did you want me to do!

You have to help yourself...the opportunities are there...live beyond your fears...

Your post reminds me of a popular scripture. Jesus is at the door but there is only a knob on our side.

Jesus at the Door
Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him, and will sup with him, and he with me. Revelation 3:20

In a revelation given to the Apostle John, Jesus said, "Behold, I stand at the door, and knock: if any man hear my voice, and open the door, I will come in to him" (Acts 3:20).

Jesus wants everyone to believe in Him and receive the blessings that come to His righteous followers. He is ready and waiting to help everyone. He gives people the opportunity to learn about Him and accept His teachings. Those who have faith in Jesus can open the door to Him by repenting, being baptized, and living righteously. These faithful followers will receive the great blessing of eternal life with Jesus and Heavenly Father.
Summary

Jesus stands at the door ready to help us, but we need to invite Him into our lives. By having faith in Him, repenting, being baptized, and following His commandments, we open the door to the great blessing of eternal life with Him and Heavenly Father.

I read the "just be still" post differently. I agree with you wholeheartedly to take action, correctly and right away. However, the whirlwind that goes through the mind of a newly betrayed BS is overwelming. I thought "just be still" was refering to quieting the storm in your head and your heart so that you could be able to act. I too believe that God helps those who help themselves.

Agreed, I think the 'Be Still' phrase really means don't act on your emotions. You have to act, you can't not. That's what Plan A/Plan B are all about. You just need to act not react.

Tabby, I agree with your interpretation.

But I do think that when we throw out this phrase without explaining our intent behind it, many BS's who are already paralyzed with fear, may use it as an excuse to do nothing.

Some BS's find strength in their fear. But many are paralyzed by it.

Be still to me meant be still in my heart and in my head. It meant not letting the craziness of WS's actions and babble in to disrupt my stillness. It did NOT mean being still in my actions. In fact, being still in your actions WILL LEAD you into MORE chaos.

However, I have seen a FEW (very few) BS's here that are so quick to act that they seem to run around with their heads cut off, doing this and that, without any clear plan, purpose, or intent. In THAT case, YES be PHYSICALLY still until you can sort through and formulate a plan that has a purpose. But once the plan is set, you still have to MOVE.

This phrase is taken from the Bible verse: Be still and know that I am God. Be still in my heart knowing that God is still in control. That does NOT mean He doesn't expect me to do some footwork.

Just my silly .02. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Thank you guys for the clarafication...I have to agree that you can not act on your emotions and it's been so long since I have been in that place that I have forgot...

I strongly recommend thinking before you act on your emotions and it may take a long time to learn to do exactly that...in my case that was very true...

I took "be still" the same way....but also to keep my emotions in check when WS is pushing buttons and fogspeak....
And not react irrationally when you do find information...

not2fun

I think our emotions can stir us to act in healthy ways . so long as we are not over reacting

Not2...I think, IMHO, it is time for you to get to plan B.

ACT.

IMHO, you are being led down a road by some people that have coached others to remain in Plan A far too long. I have seen on these boards the damage that has been done both to marriages and individuals following the advice of these people. I would suggest that you not "marry" yourself to any one person or mindset here but that you inject a bit of common sense into your plan.

ON MY WAY CAPTAIN.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I think you might have hit the nail on the head. My Plan A/Plan B will not work for you, just as your Plan A/Plan B will not work for me. Elements might be similar but we are dealing with people not machines here. (Which is what makes it challenging.. I can re-program a machine :-) )

SO, I might have a 6 month Plan A, you may go 2 weeks. Depends on the circumstances and the people involved.

I'm also with Tabby on this, "being still" meaning finding peace in your heart not a place on the couch.

I have always seen the “Be Still” phrase as referring to the poise and inner control required when dealing with the wayward pig farm. I have never viewed it as an instruction to be a doormat. But I agree at times it seems to be used that way.

It’s the sort of quality you would like to think is in a SWAT Team sniper for example. He knows how to act and he knows when to act and emotions do not sway the decision for decisive action. Poise, control and the knowledge and willingness to employ decisive action precisely when required if required. Unfortunately there is no advanced tactical training for betrayed spouses. If there was it looks like the class would be pretty full up.

During my time in the adultery trenches I kept the following quote tacked by my desk:

"Passion has helped us; but can do so no more. It will in future be our enemy. Reason, cold, calculating, unimpassioned reason, must furnish all the materials for our future support and defense."
-- Abraham Lincoln

Can you come over to my thread and read my situation? I could really use some help today.
I don't want to be a doormat and I am having a hard time not doing anything while WH carries on with a woman I think is the new OW. He's done this before and I feel I have enough proof to expose.

Chrisner,

LOVED the analogy. Reminds me of my basic training. For me, I always like the saying, "Speak softly and carry a big stick; you will go far." I have carried this with me all along.

For me, be still helped me to calm those emotions and think more clearly. To ACT, no less, but to act upon reason.

My interpretation of "Be still" is to not allow yourself to be drawn into the fog -- to accept blame for the affair or to think less of yourself because of your spouse's choices. Someone once gave the three "C"s of Alanon, which as I recall is something like "You didn't cause, you cannot control, and you cannot cure". The person who had the affair has to take personal responsibility for those actions.

I've had a lot of advice from a lot of people over the years, and perhaps the best advice I got was from someone who gave me a makeover. She said, "If my husband had an affair, I'd stand back and see what he does."

That's what I see as "Be still".

Cherishing

I think it is being overused a little, but the intention is to get those who got those who are not clear on their purpose for acting to slow down until they do. Sometimes though it is being used as an excuse not to act, which is not the intention. Be still, but only until you know what your next action will be, then act on it.

Exactly...AND that is being enabled at times too.

I like that one... I agree, not acting is a form of enablement. It took Mark, Mrs. W and MyRev to make me see this but when I did, it made all the difference.

There's Marriage Builders and the related materials... only most of us never find it until after D-Day.

Very true cipher.

Could you imagine a "do-over" going back to D-Day knowing what you know today?

I don't know how many times I've imagined that very thing. It woulda been a whole different ballgame.

I actually love that post of ark's. The people I send to read it are newly betrayed spouses who are in a panic. Many betrayed spouses go through a kind of "manic" phase where they are trying everything all at once....hoping that one of them will make a difference. They are all over the place, acting irratically and inconsistently. One minute they are in Plan A and the next they're filing for divorce. "Be still" is the right message for that stage of betrayal. It's about "acting" instead of "reacting". The opposite of "be still" during a panic attack....is "thrashing about aimlessly in fear". It's about all the things other people said about being grounded and rational. Righteous anger and indignation are okay, but rage and chaos isn't.

When you go to fast on a merry-go-round, it's putting a foot down and getting "grounded" so the spinning stops.

But you're right medc, once folks get past the chaos and confusion of the early betrayal...."be still"....can be interpreted as "be quiet" or be meek....and in the context of this thread the opposite of "be still" is "you don't have to take it anymore".

It isn't just the interpretation that gets me...it is the support that no action gets from some of the MB regulars.

Rage has its place and usefulness...but only very short term. Righteous anger which drives action is a valuable tool. The biggest enemy of the BS that I see is being too passive. That does more damage than anything else that I see on these boards.

When an A occurs it is the worst event of your life.

Being still for awhile after an A makes sense. The key word being awhile.

An A is an attack on you, your family and everything you stand for. Being still and generating a plan is an important step but it can't take too long. Consistent action of your plan is your key weapon on this attack.

It is a message that more need to hear. Because it is such an attack and is so painful, often BS's only want to hear things that make them feel good to lessen the pain and they get stuck being still. Action and continuing refinement of their plan is what they need.

agreed...awhile.

Yep, what Star*Fish said. I was manic. I was out of control. I was traumatized. Heck, I got 5150'd and put in the psych ward for 72hrs. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> I was a mess! Being still and reading that post at that time really helped.

Now I'm better and I am planning my strategy and the rest of my life intelligently and rationally.

the anatomy of an affair...brought to you by ark^^
:eek: eek
crazy
confused
mad
sick
shocked
tired

in any order of your choice....

hope all are fabulous

arkie^^^^^^^^^

trying to play devil's advocate here... what's wrong with being still and waiting out the affair? Because 1) we've been told time and time again the affair DOES end, 2) we can't MAKE WS do anything anyway, so why not sit back and let the whole nasty situation play out?

I wondered that too Serenity. But they don't have any reason to stop cheating if they know we are sitting back waiting on them. I think that's why I have been advised to go through with Plan B and the legaal separation because they think we are not going to do anything about it. I don't know, I have heard all affairs end too, but some of them dont end, especially if we let them have their cake and eat it too. It will just stay that way forever. We have to take ourselves out of their lives so that they can see what they are losing and then maybe they will show us what they are going to do to change and become better. I don't think they will ever do that if they know we are just going to sit it out and wait it out until they are done playing with their OW's. Then they have no respect for us and we probably will not even want them either after seeing so much disrespect and having so much pain because of their A's. Maybe that's why we have to go to Plan B and protect ourselves.

I am just learning and reading and I have some good people in my life like my sister and the advice I am getting here is helping me to see that what I have been doing hasn't been working.

while you can't MAKE WS do anything, you CAN make the affair uncomfortable by taking action. YOU CAN take care of yourself and set some reasonable boundaries that allow YOU to protect yourself and become whole. No one needs their spouse to end the affair...life will certainly go on if they don't come home..or if you decide that you don't want them home.

My whole point of this thread is that people should be doing something, other than sitting back...hoping that the affair might end, to improve their lot in life. Why not sit back and let the nasty little situation play out??? Because life is slipping by.