Hi All,

I hope you can help. A simple question you may think, but one I'm having difficulty with when my WW keeps coming to our home to drop my boys off as our home hasn't sold in almost 4 months of being on the market.

I haven't posted for a long time but read numerous posts now and again. To give you an update of my situation. My WW told me of her feelings for someone else 6th March 2007 and has gone from an EA to PA and I've never been able to get any answers. I was told the same as others in that we should never of got married blar blar blar. I love you but not in love blar blar, you get the idea. After finding this site I tried Plan A and am still in it to some degree 12 months later. July last year we split our time at the house so our boys had some stability, but after coming back from holiday in October last year with my WW's family missus WW I moved back home. January this year the house when on the market, where I hoped to move to plan B, but due to the decline in the housing market I'm still no further forward.

My WW keeps on about a separation agreement where she gets to divorce me on a no fault basis after 2 years but I'm still not ready for a D and she won't agree to D in 5 years. The courts in the UK don't care about who's at fault so if I fight I'm likely to loss as she is the main carer. I'm struggling financially since she moved out and I feel like giving her the house, but can't subject my boys to be with OM in their home which they have known to be safe and secure. I don't talk to my WW on a daily basis but do need to keep in contact with her because of the sale of the house. However as she is still named on the mortgage she can come and go as she pleases. She has only moved around the corner from where we live which also makes it difficult. During our brief discussions she told be she was depressed about the house. I told her she was no different from any one else that has an A. I asked her to read SAA, which she agreed. Roll on Saturday when she phones to speak to the boys and she tells them she met friends of ours at a local football match, where she was with OM. I later find out that her sister and parents have met OM. I have stayed in contact with her family but not like I did. Her sister told me my WW turned up at a party with him but she only said hello and didn't speak to him. Her parents met him at her house, but weren't impressed. I feel like I've come a long way since it started, but Saturday makes me feel like I'm back to square one.

Thanks in advance
HAF

Twelve months is much too long to be in Plan A. I suggest you go to Plan B. Sounds like your laws are the same as here in the US. Usually the spouse can't be kept out of the home unless there is a divorce or separation agreement.

What are you doing to make yourself more financially secure?

Anyway, I suggest you write a Plan B letter and post it here. You should get an intermediary for house/financial/kids related matters. You need to be certain that you are not meeting any of her emotional needs.

Hi Believer,

Thanks for replying. I know 12 months is too long and that wasn't my intentions but it has been a struggle to agree on the house and the house market has declined which has just added to everything. I couldn't have been in Plan A fully for this time had we been seeing each other on a daily basis, but as we have had very little time together it has gone on longer and this is something I agreed with Steve Harley.

I have separated my financies from my WW for some time and I only pay money for the boys activities, which comes straight out of my account and doesn't go to my WW. I have agreed with her that any other costs regarding the boys will be paid for between us both. If I change jobs then I will give her more money. The courts won't allow me to get a child minder if I need someone to look after them ,but that I should use my WW or their Grandparents, which would be my in-laws.

Until the house is sold I can't make myself any more financially secure. I have agreed any communications should be done through her sister and I have created a handover book for when we exchange the children. I have informed my WW I don't want to see her or talk to her. I wrote a Plan B letter some months back and we had spoken on the phone so she understands how painful this is for me but I'll write another and post it to her.

Hi Believer,

Can you point me to some good examples of Plan B letters.

Regards
HAF

Believer, if you want I can find mine and let him see get some ideas?

Hi,

Please read my Plan B letter and let me know what your thoughts are.

Dearest WS,

I found I needed to write to you again for the last time. I know I have wrote numerous letters to you in the past, but that appears to be the only I can tell you how I feel and how your affair has caused so much pain, not just for me but for the boys and both our families. Throughout your affair I have tried to show you I am willing to change so that we could have a better life and a happier family. I understand that I’ve been unable to meet your needs, but you have never allowed me since you met OM and for that I apologise as this has only allowed your affair to continue.

I have tried to sort everything out but I can no longer do it any more. I was unable to meet your needs and you mine, so we will all suffer because of this. I am so sorry for causing so much pain for everyone, but I didn’t know what you really wanted and I still don’t.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for all of us that will meet your needs and those of the family. But I can’t do that until you end your affair with OM once and for all.

Until that happens I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will ask that we both continue using the handover book for the boys regarding any school work etc. I have asked your sister to help in any communications between us so that I don’t have to see or talk to you any more, as she is the only person who understands what I am going through. I ask that you only call me direct if there is ever an emergency regarding the boys

I ask that you respect my decision to maintain our separate this way as I find it very difficult when I see you knowing I have tried to help you understand our situation and it is thrown back in my face. As you are aware I simply can’t suffer any more and the pain this is creating is tearing me apart. I simply can’t be with you any more knowing that all you want is him ahead of the happiness of others including our children. I still love you and I probably love you more now than I ever have.

As soon as you are willing to separate from OM and commit to rebuilding our life and that of our family, with the help of Dr. Harley I am willing to discuss our future further.

I want us to be able to rebuild our life some day and I want to be able to meet all your needs and hope some day this will happen. I want you to be my best friend, lover and wife and I never want to hurt you again. I want me to be your best friend, lover and husband.

I loved you when we first met and I have grown to love you more each day we have been together, and I still love you to this day regardless of what has happened. I just can’t help you or be with you while you are with OM.

With all my love

XXXXX

Regards
HAF

bump

There are a lot of LB's in it. You need to eliminate those, and also tell him that you are having no contact to protect your love for him.

Read it over carefully, and get rid of anything that is critical of the way he is treating you.

Hi Believer,

I have added a line with regards to protecting my love and have changed some of the original. If you believe there are still LB's in it could you please point them out.

Dearest WW,

I found I needed to write to you again for the last time. As you are aware I have wrote numerous letters to you in the past, to tell you how I feel. Throughout all of this I have tried to show you I am willing to change so that we could have a better life and a happier family. I understand that I’ve been unable to meet your needs and for that I apologise as this has only allowed your affair to continue. I am so sorry for causing so much pain for everyone, but I didn’t know what you really wanted and I still don’t.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I’ve made in the past and create a new life for all of us that will meet your needs and those of the family. But I can’t do that until you end your affair with OM altogether.

Until that happens I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will ask that we both continue using the handover book for the boys regarding any school work etc. I have asked your sister to help in any communications between us and I also ask that you only call me direct if there is ever an emergency regarding the boys

I ask that you respect my decision to maintain our separate this way as I find it very difficult when I see you and this is the only way I see of protecting my love for you. As you are aware I simply can’t suffer any more and the pain this is creating is killing me. I still love you and I probably love you more now than I ever have.

As soon as you are willing to separate from OM and commit to rebuilding our life and that of our family, with the help of Dr. Harley I am willing to discuss our future further.

I want us to be able to rebuild our life some day and I want to be able to meet all your needs and hope some day this will happen. I want you to be my best friend, lover and wife and I never ever want to hurt you again. I want to be your best friend, lover and husband.

I loved you when we first met and I have grown to love you more each day we have been together, and I still love you to this day regardless of the situation we find ourselves in. I just can’t help you or be with you while you are with OM.

With all my love

XXXXX

Regards
HAF

bump

You did not cause the affair. WW chose to have one.
Do not be wishy washy, be direct, be a man.
Eliminate the pleading.

Dear WW,

It is to painful to see you while you are having an affair. Until it ends I can no longer have contact with you. I have asked your sister to handle and screen all communications between us. If your sister verifies an emergency then I will call you direct.

I ask that you respect my decision for no contact, NC. As I find it very difficult when I see you and this is the only way I see of protecting my love for you.

Once you have NC with the OM I am willing to have direct contact with you and willing to rebuilding our life and that of our family. I am going to you use this time to rebuild myself for the future.

With love

Hi TheRoad,

Thanks for the reply and I see where you are coming from. First, I'm told there are too many LB's now I'm too wishy washy. I thought the idea of a Plan B letter was to show a kind side before you depart so to speak. I'll have another look at the letter, but I will keep in the point where she can call me direct in case of an emergency. These are my boys at the end of the day and I won't wait until it has been verified by her sister.

HAF

Bump,

More opinions would be helpful please.

Regards
HAF