Hi all! (this is also posted at EN...I need opinions!)

You don't see me here very much lately. My marriage is fine (just celebrated my third anniversary)but as usual, I need some advice on how to understand my Husband.

In a nutshell, we haven't had a "serious" discussion since Christmas. I think I posted about our Christmas issue and it was settled nicely. Unfortunately, I was faced with the same issue this week, except I really had to be proactive about settling it.

My Husband has become quite obnoxious about telling EVERYONE we know how much my Mother annoys him. He doesn't hold back--he's mentioned it to my Sister and her boyfriend, my Brother, my friends, my Sister's friends--just about anyone who brings up my Mom has heard how much she annoys my Husband. Strange thing is, in all these situations, the other person was mentioning how sweet and kind my Mom is...so, instead of just saying "yes, she is sweet, but my gosh can she annoy me"....he says "i can't STAND her"....which is a stronger comment and gives quite the negative vibe....

My Mother knows that my Husband is annoyed by her and has asked me what she can do to be less annoying. Unfortunately, the things that my Husband finds "annoying" are things she can't change. He hates the fact that she's interested in ghosts and alchemy, he hates how she speaks loudly (she's partially deaf) and numerous other things that annoy all of us.

My Husband feels that since we (my siblings and I) are also annoyed by her from time to time, that's it's ok to proclaim how he "can't stand her" all the time. The unfortunate part is that we appreciate my Mom's good points...she's just a sweet person who would give you the shirt off her back....

I understand that my Husband doesn't know my Mother the way the rest of the family does, so I respect that he doesn't enjoy being around her. In the past, I have given him the opportunity to stay home when I visit my family (he always opts to visit with me) and I have given him the opportunity to tell me when he wants to leave and we leave my parent's house prompty afterwards. This doesn't stop my Husband from showing his displeasure with my Mom for the duration of the visit. He doesn't smile when he's there. He broods. He watches what he wants on TV and if my Mom suggests something else, he'll get up and say "let's go home"...

He's been doing this for so long that my family approached me and suggested that I speak to him. They feel that it isn't their place to say something to him because he would have the right to be angry at them. They have suggested that I visit alone if he's miserable so that they don't feel uncomfortable. I thought his was reasonable and although I didn't look forward to it, I decided to speak to my H....

My problem is, I can never have a conversation with my H without him getting extremely angry at me and not speaking to me for days. When he asked me what was wrong on Tuesday evening(I was thinking about how to tell him all this) I told him that I would share what I was thinking, but he had to promise not to walk away and end the conversation. He said "well, then you'd better not tell me". Knowing that he wasn't open to the conversation, I didn't tell him.

On Wednesday night, I asked him to tell me when he was free to have a conversation so we could discuss what was bothering me. All the while, I was thinking about the best way to approach this. I decided that he would't walk away or feel defensive if I began the conversation with "I love you" and explained how much I cared about him. I thought it would put him at ease and allow him to actually hear what I was saying.....

The conversation went something like this:

Me: You know that I love you very much and.....

Him: CAN you just cut out the BS and tell me what's bothering you?

Me: Ok...here's what is bothering me....

So, my H just wouldn't accept me starting the conversation that way. I felt that I was behind the eight ball after that because he was already angry at me for even HAVING an issue in the first place.

I calmly explained that it hurt me when he spoke poorly about my Mom. I told him that his feelings are his own and it's ok to feel that way, but it was hurtful to me when he told this to everyone we know. He didn't agree and said "well, you say your Mom is annoying, too"....*sigh*...it's like he doesn't get it--when I come home and say "argh, my mom drives me nuts"...it's not the same as telling my friends and family that I can't stand my Mother....

I mentioned to my H that he knew I was close to my family before he married me. I used the example that I spend my free time with my Mom(sometimes H works on holidays and I'm home alone. I choose to spend time with her, so it's obvious that I don't feel as annoyed by her as my H does. My H said "you spend time with your Mom because you have no friends". This actually isn't true--my H usually gets upset if I spend time with my girlfriends when he's home, so I don't go out with them anymore. I told him I choose to see my Mom on the days that I can because she's always happy to go out with me (my girlfriends don't call me anymore)....So, I felt that my H was implying that I spend time with my Mom because I'm a loser with no friends....It felt like he was trying to tear me down....

SO, fast forward to Thursday...my Husband is angry. He's not speaking to me. He hasn't spoken to me since we ended our conversation last night. When I went upstairs to ask if he wanted a snack, he said "I'm up here because I'm avoiding you"...I asked him why...he said "because you're annoying me"...So, having a civilized conversation is "annoying" to him. This morning, he said he didn't want to hug me and he may consider it "later"....He withholds affection when he's angry...but what can I do to make sure he's not angry?

SO...any suggestions on how to make my Husband feel love for me again? I'm at a loss (as usual...)

If anyone needs any clarification, please let me know--this is a long post, so I left out some details..

I think this went all wrong when you said: "I asked him to tell me when he was free to have a conversation so we could discuss what was bothering me." Then you started beating around the bush, which would send my H to the moon. [and me too] That sets him up to feel defensive and lets him know you are getting ready to [censored] him out. Saying "I love you" in front of it does nothing to erase the fact that he knows he is going to be nailed. So by the time you do have this "serious discussion" he is extremely defensive.

See, men don't LIKE having "relationship" talks in the first place, so when you tell him he is bothering you, it just compounds the defensiveness and causes a wedge. They also don't like all that beating around the bush. Just say it in a respectful way STRAIGHT OUT without all the drama.

Here is how I say it to my H and it works for me. I never ask to have a "discussion." That would get his back right up. I just calmly and pleasantly say it out right:

Me: Dear, it really upsets me when you trash my mother. I know she can be a PIA but it upsets me when you do it.

Him: I had no idea! I will stop that

ME: THANK YOU, DEAR! BIG KISS!! [And you might even let him cop a grope here and you could reward him with a grope too! ]

Then if he continues, you will know it is his intent to upset you and that means you have a bigger problem.

To clarify though, it is important that you tell him the things that bother you so you are on the track there. Just be straight with it and be respectful.

Yes, I know that was wrong, ML....it's just that I tried it the other way (just coming straight out with it) and he reacted the same way (angry, withholding affection)...I thought that if I began the discussion with something positive, he might not feel as defensive.....I guess I'm two for two on that...neither approach was effective for what I was trying to avoid, but next time I'll definitely get right to the point....In fact, next time I won't even ask him when he has time. I only did THAT because he'll just tell me he has no time to talk about it if I don't "schedule" something in....

Thanks for your advice---I appreciate it!

what a crock of crap filled to the brim by your husband....

quit playing games...

state the FACTS and walk away....

like this

SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE

tell your family to tell him every time he says something nasty about the women...
tell them to immediately say

SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE


fact I'd encourage my husband to deck the guy in his pie hole next time he said something to me about MY mom...

who drives me as crazy as I surely drive her....

but I'd be DANGED if I'd [censored] foot round any one putting her down for no reason...except that she's breathing

just as I'd be DANGED if I'd [censored] foot round any one putting down my spouse...so atelast tell him when they say mean things about him you tell them to shut up as well....

next time he says the first tid-bit bout my mom...

I'd say

SHUT UP

and walk away...

and I wouldn't care if he didn't talk to me...


there is nothing to discuss tell him to shut up each and every time.....

unaceptable behavior...
that he gets away with cause no one wants to upset him...

him not talking for days...

sounds like nervana to me...

he has NO excuse for his disrespectful choices...and hides behind passive aggressive bullying punishment....

there's no excuse....

he needs to keep his crappy thoughts about his mom cause NO ONE on this planet is interested or CARES what he thinks about her...

no one asked him....

watching my husband mourn the loss of his mother this month....

this crap makes my blood boil


don't give him a second to defend the indefensible..

tell him to shut the $%^%#$#$ up...

I am so serious bout this...

this is nothing to discuss or powerstruggle...

ARK

Ummmmmmmm....what ARK said!! ITA!! (*WHOA!!*)

Charlotte

Hi Ark...

Thanks for your comments....

I'm kind of mad at myself for NOT reacting that way the first time he started with this BS. I wish I had just told him to shut up...but I guess I understood what he found annoying and assumed that it was something that would work itself out. I feel SO guilty now...I really should have said something then...

I think your approach is a good one, although he has agreed not to broadcast his thoughts about my Mother any longer....

Thanks again....

*sigh*...

You're so right...I should have dealt with this head on in the beginning...I don't know what the heck I was thinking....

I have to say...when I read your story it reminded me SO much of an ex-BF that acted very much the same way.

He wanted to marry me but he cheated on me (he was a serial cheater, probably still is,) which is a GOOD thing because I didn't know how to get out of the situation with him. I was scared.

So YEAH, nip it in the bud!!

Charlotte

I think you try your best to be so respectful to him that it results in you being disrespected in the process.

You fear his emotional blackmail tactics. I would rather have someone in my face with issues than have them ignore me. He knows how to push your buttons in this regard.

Also, I think that his behavior comes from FOO. It worked with them, he expected it to work with you, and unfortunately it has.

I say it isn't too late to retrain his type of behavior toward you.

When he makes those comments tell him...

"STOP RIGHT THERE...you are talking about MY Mother and I won't accept that kind of talk about MY Mother. You wouldn't want people dissing yours....you are NOT gonna dis mine."

I would do it in front of people too. He's rude ....put him in his place...call him on it.

You are gonna have to stand firm and when he starts the silent treatment I would behave normally.

I would chatter around the house...and be sure to insert "I sure do Love you" when he starts sulking. It is almost like shaming him into behaving better. Dance through the house...make comments about the weather....go about life just as happy as you can be. He will soon realize that his bahavior is causing him to miss out on the good stuff.

JMHO

committed

Hey, while we're kicking his [censored] and humiliating him in front of the family, why not make it complete and knee him in the groin and say "take that you pansy!!" If we are going to repay obnoxious behavior with abuse, why not get it all in and get a bigger bang for your buck!?

Give me a break, y'all. How will disrespect SOLVE disrespect? It will only ESCALATE the problem. She can't very well ask him to respect her if she won't treat him with respect. I am not inclined to behave respectfully to anyone who is in my face telling me to shut my PIE HOLE. Those are fighting words!

If my H told me to "SHUT YOUR PIE HOLE" when I trashed his momma, which I did, there would have been World War III. No way in he11 would I tolerate that abuse and neither should her husband. Talking down to a man and purposely trying to humiliate him in front of other people is not the path to marital bliss. And I should know, I have been married 3 times!

sheesh, you crazy chicks!

aeri, you can help your H become LESS DEFENSIVE about your complaints if you train him to believe that complaints will actually HELP your marriage. I told my H that I WELCOMED his complaints because that way it gave me an opportunity to stop doing something that makes him unhappy. That makes him much less defensive about recieving complaints since he knows the point is to protect love. I taught him that UNSPOKEN complaints are a big threat to marriage, because they have the potential of eroding love when the spouse does not have a chance to correct it.

And the main goal should be to make the other person happy. That is how I would approach with him and maybe he won't be so defensive if he understands that the goal is PROTECT THE LOVE IN THE MARRIAGE:

sorry melody

I wouldn't waste a precious moment on this earth powerstruggling with a grown man who doesnt' have the common decency to not put his spouses mother down
to everyone

to his spouse
to his inlaws
and the icing on the cake...
to the women herself when he is a GUEST in HER house...

in fact I thought under Texas law...that warrants taking the said "gentleman outside behind the shed with a little introduction to a branding iron"

this is a GROWN man....
who is choosing out of NO good reason to be hurtful.
like a school yard bully....

So you better be clear that if one my brother in laws were to consistantly say NASTY things about my mom to me or my family that I or they would certainly make it clear that we are NOT interested in his opinion about her....

AND

that while telling one to shut one's pie hole is an underated saying...I would without hesitation tell my spouse I don't CARE that he thinks such bad things about my mother...my expectation is that he keeps them ALLLLLLLLLLLLLL to himself in words AND actions

PERIOD>>>>>

be very clear that I wouldn't waste an ounce of breath on discussing this insane behavior with my spouse but would tell him to keep it to himself....

and if he is such a victim to diarrhea of the mouth and has not control over NOT saying nasty things bout her...
well lets hope the screen door doesn't hit him on the way out...

this a grown man
this is immature cruel actions
with NO excuse...

totally in his control


Too bad if feels humiliated when an in-law says

hey bozo shut up bout my mama...

he should feel humilated...

it is inexecusable....

what excuse could he have...

sorry honey I wanted to kick the dog but thought that was mean so I just said nasty things about your mother....

I can not imagine you pandering to someone disrespecting your mother for sport....

there isn't anything that he can say that justifies such disrespect....


ARK

Three???!!! I thought it was 2!!

Charlotte

(sorry for t/j!)

What the heck is FOO????

not2fun

Sorry, Ark, I ain't buying it. It is not a federal crime to be thoughtless and insensitive. Getting in his face and being a [censored] is worse than thoughtless and insensitive, though, and is unlikely to solve the problem. It will escalate the situation. That will cause more problems than him trashing her momma.

I said a few unflattering things about my H's momma to someone once. I thought it was FUNNY but my H was very offended. All he had to do was just tell me and I stopped doing it. But I assure you if he had got in my face and told me to shut my pie hole, he might have been nursing a bloody nose.

Telling someone to shut their pie hole is FIGHTING WORDS and this doesnt have to be a fight. Why pick a fight when the problem can be resolved amicably?

I think it means someone is big FOO when they spend good time and money sitting in a counselors office bloviating.

Charlotte, yep, 3 times, baby!

melody..

here's what I would say..

I am not interested in all the bad thoughts you have about my mother...
I am only interested in you keeping them to yourself and NOT disrespecting HER in HER home...

I wouldn't waste my time calling him insensitive
I wouldn't waste my time if worrying he would think I was a [censored]....
I wouldn't waste my time worrying if saying don't do it in word or action causes an escalation...

cause the next escalation would be escalating him out the front door....

he chooses this behavior
he has total control over it
he knows better

she has told him probably over and over and over and over and over...

he reacts like a sulking two year old and punishes her....for days

there's no defense for it....
your husband told you it hurt him and you stopped
she has told him the same...
and he hasn't stopped...

period

no love busters
no threats
no name calling

just the facts

ARK

Yeah!! I wanna know, too!!

FOO = Family of Origin

A quick acronym to say the family you grew up with, distinguishing it from the family you made when you married...like immediate family? Gets confusing...some say "extended family" after marriage means parents and siblings. Until you're married, though, they are your immediate family, aren't they?

MelodyLane...

I don't understand, either. You've been married three times? How did I not know this after these years on MB? Were you married to a Texas rock star for a minute before your previous, 20-year marriage?

Did you shoot him?

LA

Yep, THREE times! I was married for 6 months when I was in college and then got divorced. Hopefully the third time is a CHARM.

Thank you, LA!! The mud is much clearer now!!

And LOL on the ML comment!!

Charlotte

Oh..my.

She has tried to explain it to him in private. He isn't getting it. While he makes comment about her mother to others...why can't she tell him to stop?

I'm saying to call him on it while he's doing it. Talking about it later ain't working.

People generally behave poorly in front of others because they KNOW that the person won't say anything to embarrass themself. I would think it would be more embarrassing to sit there and say nothing while he goes on and on about how he hates her mother, her mother is this or her mother is that.

Stop it while it is taking place. Others won't be embarrassed by her speaking up...they are generally embarrassed when someone doesn't.

committed

You know what, I wonder if there are not more serious problems here if she has told him several times to stop and he won't stop? That reaches a level of very purposeful DISRESPECT that needs to be addressed in a more serious manner, IMO. If he is that disrespectful about THIS, he surely is about other things. That is the kind of behavior that quickly erodes love.

aeri, he is normally disrespectful to you?

FOO...Family of Orgin


Whenever aeri has approached him about issues when they are alone, he will 'poo poo' her concerns...call her overly dramatic...and then subject her to the silent treatment.

He honestly thinks it is ok to trash her Mom...not just to her...but to anyone standing there.

Since he won't acknowledge it when they are alone, I suggested doing it in front of others. Maybe someone else will pipe up and say..."yeah, man, that's like uncool to trash her Mom like that". He needs a reality check.

committed

Do you know this for a FACT? Because I don't see where she says this.

This would make a critical difference in my response, of course. It would mean he doesn't CARE about her feelings, so it would be useless to tell him it made her unhappy and render my advice irrelevant. If he doesn't CARE about her feelings then it is pointless to tell him.

I think I posted about our Christmas issue and it was settled nicely. Unfortunately, I was faced with the same issue this week, except I really had to be proactive about settling it.


faced with the same issue this week...

he chooses this behavior
he has total control over it
he knows better

I state those as fact...

unless he goes around putting every other human being on earth down including his boss at work....he knows better
has control over it
and
chooses it....

sociopaths and pyschotic people may at time lose control of their actions be victims...thankfully they are put away for their and ours safety...

that's only the tiniest percent of the population thank goodness..



there are huge red flags in this post...

dealing with any conflict by punishing her by not talking for days....

This doesn't stop my Husband from showing his displeasure with my Mom for the duration of the visit. He doesn't smile when he's there. He broods. He watches what he wants on TV and if my Mom suggests something else, he'll get up and say "let's go home"...

interesteing that other family members fear too much to confront him on his own crap...nicely meanly....whatever however..

My problem is, I can never have a conversation with my H without him getting extremely angry at me and not speaking to me for days

ridiculous...

ark

See, that is what I think is happening...to a certain degree.

aeri usually posts on EN and I believe that a few times she has posted about these kind of issues. It's just a different topic...but the same behavior.

She wants to treat him with the utmost respect in her requests but he shuts her down when he perceives her comments as "negative" AGAINST him.

He will withhold affection for days...and will give her the silent treatment for days when she approaches him about her concerns.

I have no doubt that she is respectful in her comments to him...because she wants to avoid his normal response to her. She hates the cold shoulder....shoot, anyone would hate that.

I think his behavior is related to cultural differences too. He isn't a good ole boy from Texas. A good ole boy from Texas wouldn't diss anyone's Momma.

(He is Scandanavian...I think. She can correct me if I am wrong.)

I realize that bad manners shouldn't have cultural borders, but I cannot help but wonder if it could.

edit: He is what my family would call "petted". When he was young, he almost lost his life (not sure of the particulars) and his family doted on him during that time..and continued to do so after he survived. When he subjects her to the silent treatment, I see a child holding his breath til he turns blue, because someone hasn't been "nice to him". I think he has carried on this type of 'spoiled rotten' to his marriage.

committed


Aeri..hope you don't mind that I added some info from previous posts. If it's inaccurate...let me know.

He is Scandanavian...I think.

what Scandanavians don't have enough sense to know when to shut their pie holes...

I ain't from God forsaken Texas either...

but I wouldn't hurt my husband over and over and over and over by dissing his family to any and everyone......
and I wouldn't go to someone elses home and disrespect them there.....

Arkie

Aeri, do you think your husband might have a little abusive streak?

Why are you trying to figure out ways to make you husband feel love for you again. All you tried to do was tell him that it hurts you and your family the way he treats your mom, and even then you worried about how to say, even beginning with "I love you" so he wouldn't get angry.

Do you think he could possibly losing respect for you, not love.

It is pretty mean to tell someone they have no friends. I think that is a very hurtful thing to say to your wife.

I think regaining his respect by not putting up with his immature meaness, and sulleness may go along way.

If my husband treated my mother that way, well it would only have happened once. Me, I gotta big mouth, so I probably would have said "don't you ever badmouth my mother or treat her poorly again" end of story. Nothing to discuss. Your family is way kinder than mine to come to you and ask you to speak to him. My siblings would have stopped him immediately. Mel, (who is more diplomatic than me) appreciated her husband telling her nicely, yours didn't. Big difference.

How he handles other peoples reactions to his very poor and hurtful behavior is his problem. That's part of growing up.

edited to add: a tad bit abusive is probably not the right word. maybe immature is a better word.

Well, if he acts like this all the time, then I reassert my suggestion to KNEE HIM IN THE GROIN when she tells him to SHUT YER PIE HOLE!

aeri, why did you choose such a thoughtless oaf for a husband? And why do you tolerate it? By tolerating that abuse you are training him to mistreat you.

I'm not sure if it has anything to do with it or not...I'm just saying.

Some cultures are very curt and cold people. I lived in a few different countries and I have traveled to 6x times that many and some people are downright rude, and when you question them it's like..."what? what did I say"?

What we consider rude or brusque...they consider honest.

Still, there's a line and since he won't acknowledge her line in private, he can damn well acknowledge it in public. It would make no nevermind to me.

committed

What about this: the next time he pulls that crap in your momma's house, STAND UP, FACE HIM and say with your iciest voice:

"I BEG YOUR DAMN PARDON?"

And then escort him to the door.

Whew....now here's the Mel that I know on this board.

I thought someone had taken over your body there for a few minutes.

A podperson or sumpin....

committed

Aeri,

I don't think you should get in the habit of allowing him to stonewall you either. Stonewalling is very cruel (refusing to speak to you, withholding affection, etc).

I get in fights with my husband, and I won't let him stonewall me. That hurts me more than anything.

Me, I'd be right there in his face until he talked to me about it.

Sulking is for cats. My cat sulks, and I let her. We had a dog that would even turn completely around and face the wall when he was sulking. That's okay. But husbands aren't allowed to do that. (my daughter isn't either) Me, I could never, ever sulk silently when I am angry, but everyone else probably wishes I would.

No doubt! She was even making me feel guilty and start retracing my actions in the last few disagreements I have had. I was even starting to wonder if I acted bad when I told my husband to shut up about my drunken, obnoxious little sister. (who, by the way, was drunk the whole weekend, but only I can say how gross she was)

Didn't he ever hear that saying "I can say whatever I want about my family, but you better keep your mouth shut about them"?

Why would a person even HAVE a useless CAT except for snipe hunting??

If you want to know the truth, Mel, it's because she won't take a hint.

No matter what I do, every single, blessed time I open the door, there she is back again.

What about this: the next time he pulls that crap in your momma's house, STAND UP, FACE HIM and say with your iciest voice:

"I BEG YOUR DAMN PARDON?"

And then escort him to the door.


I hope mamma sends some ghosts to haunt him..
and casts a spell that makes frogs leap from his mouth every time he starts to say something mean....

arkie

Thanks for your insights, Committed...I can always count on you!


I've been doing this.

Last night, I cut up some of his favorite cheese and went upstairs and told him that it was there if he wanted it. I kissed him before I went to bed. I did all the things I would have done if he hadn't been giving me the cold shoulder.

In the past, I've asked my H to be radically honest about me as a Wife. I believe that he should tell me what's bothering him so I can change any annoying habits. Well, he says that he doesn't have any complaints, but he's very good about telling me what he dislikes as he goes along. For instance--he wants the bed made before he comes upstairs in the morning so that he can get dressed...fine--the bed is always made. I have taken a page from his rulebook and just casually mentioned that dissing my Mom wasn't cool....but, to no avail...it's like he didn't hear it.

MelodyLane--thanks for your help....

Normally disrespectful? No...normally, he treats me very well. He's a good Husband...

I told him to stop this behaviour at Christmas, but it only got worse....



Hi again, Committed...I don't mind you adding some facts...all are correct except he's not Scandanavian--he's Dutch.

Hey JosieJones--I remember you when you were weaver!


I don't know if it's abusiveness or immaturity. Others have suggested that he's controlling. Sometimes I question why he can be so cold to me...for instance--he promised that I could have a cat when we moved into our house. I waited 2 years and when we finally bought the house, he flat out refused to allow a cat into the house....no reason except that he doesn't want a cat. I've negotiated every way I know how (even suggested one of those ultra-ugly hairless cats) to no avail.


How do I stop him from stonewalling me? I've tried pursuing it, not allowing him to walk away and it doesn't work. If I stand in front of him, he'll move me. If I keep talking he'll watch TV and completely tune me out...AND, the longer I keep it up, the longer he'll stonewall me in the end. It's a never-ending circle....

Oops..my bad. I kept seeing the upper left part of Europe when picturing him.

committed

I am serious about not powerstruggling the disrespectful behavior with him about your mother...

you can't change him...

so don't try...

instead change yourself...

tell him once and for all..

I understand that you may entertain thoughts about my mom but I do not want to hear them ever at all...

period...

tell your family members that you expect them to speak up and say that they do not want to hear anything negative about their mother (in law)/in law to be....and they have free reign to say what they will...tell them though if THEY choose not to say anything to him...do NOT come to you with it....

DO NOT invite or take your husband to your mothers EVER again
period....

go alone over and over and over again...
and be done with discussing this behavior ever again...

NEXT about the cave thing...

meet him in YOUR cave...

don't follow him around when he is ignoring
don't invite him in to doing/planning things but make sure you inform him.....
I am going to the book store
want to come
he will ignore..
say no

but you go alone...


don't bring him food ,drinks..but say I made blah blah it's in the kitchen....
help yourself if you like....


ignore him right back
AND
make a life without him...

the first times you do this...
mark my words carefully he will push you and escalate this...
he will try to hold out but don't YOU give in...

do not engage, talk, approach...on any type of intimate level..but

do not ignore...
make sure you say goodmorning
hello
goodnight
be bright
kind
but not in his face...and act like you don't care what or where he is or is doing...
etc...
do not expect answers to
hello
goodmorning
goodnight
etc

expect the first time you do this he will turn it on you..
he will accuse you of ingnoring him
deny and say...
no I'm not..
I talk to you
I cook for you
I invite you places
I haven't done anything to you....
except give you what you want....

and then walk away...

the first times plan for this to be a long long time...

but do not give in

I have experienced this in relationships...

it made me nuts
it made me escalate
it made me irrational

then I got it...

and I quit engaging him at all when in the cave..
and went on my merry way...

and guess what eventually he realize that his cave is a pretty damn lonely place....

and life is going on all around....

this is conflict avoidance at its best
this is passive aggressive...turn all issues back on to you..
play the poor innocent one who only wants peace...
play the poor hard bread winner who has to go out and face the world and then be bombarded with an emotional wife...who went give him peace...

give him exactly what he thinks he want...

cavedom or bust...
and let him bust first...

it's hard...
lots of tongue biting...lots of good workouts in the gym
lots of screaming if you get a minute alone..
but don't you break first....

this is not game playing...
this is taking yourself out of the comfortable role that YOU usually engage in when he does this...
he clams up...
and you escalate...even to the point the negative attention is better than none....

and when he comes to you you tell him that you are growing very weary of living with someone who can ignore your very existance...and tell him that each time he retreats this way it slowly convinces you that he doesn't want to be with you in good times and bad......and that you are giving that some serious thought these days when he does it...

ARK

"he wants the bed made before he comes upstairs in the morning so that he can get dressed"

Let him make his own bed. What are you, his personal slave???

That's very good advice Ark has given. I hope you do this Aeri, I know for me, I am going to try like the devil. I know I handle things in the worst possible way because I will engage in a fight before I am ignored, but that is all wrong.

Thanks for all the advice...

I didn't abandon the thread, I just didn't get time to come online during the weekend.

As it turns out, I did make some changes during the weekend and I also spend lots of time with my family and this morning, my H was back to his normal self...no more silent treatment.....

I have to learn how to deal and I'm getting there, one step at a time...wish me luck!