hey people, how's it going?

i have an issue which is eating away at me before i get married next week. i found this forum and hope you can all help me.

basically, i've been with my fiancee for a few years now, and we're due to marry next saturday. one of the main things that attracted her to me early on was the fact that i told her i was an excellent former rugby player (it's an english sport - hopefully you guys know it?)

anyway, i'm really not, but the lie soon snowballed and my mates are in on it too, and it's gone beyond the point where i can tell her the truth. i've lied about the clubs i played for and the level i played at, and i sort of feel that i'm living a lie.

what should i do?? it's killing me now that we're so close to the wedding...! i'm not sure i can go through with next saturday having lived such a lie...

help!!!

Tell her the truth. There is no way around it.

Charlotte

there was a sitcom on just last week with this very scenario...except the sport was basketball.

Tell the truth. If your fiance is so shallow that she would leave you over this...I say...let her walk.

She may decide to leave you for lying to her. That I could understand.

Most likely though...you two will have a bit of a laugh over this and learn a valuable lesson about telling the truth and being true to who you really are.

Perhaps you are in need of some counseling since you seem to feel the need to make up stories about yourself to appear more interesting.

thanks for the reply, charlotte - i'm not sure i can though. you don't think i could bend the truth a little?

No. And take medc's advice above as well.

Charlotte

Tell her when you saw her you thought she was too beautiful, smart, funny, together ect... to ever want to date you...that you thought she was out of your league entirely.

And you stupidly thought if you made up the rugby stuff, it might give you an opening w/ her, you otherwise wouldn't have.

Tell her you hoped that once she got to know you, you would tell her the truth. But, instead kept lying, in part b/c you still think she is out of your league.

Hopefully, she'll appreciate how difficult this was for you to come clean about.

Let's see.....


You don't think she will ever find out on her own?


Which would you rather have happen?



Because when she mentions this at the wedding reception to one of your family members or one of your friends who ISN'T covering for you, and it all hits the fan right then and there, how do you think the honeymoon will go?


Gosh. I don't see this being such a big decision now. You are pretty much running out of time, Danny. Better get over to her house and confess, with the whole truth. Quick.

And no, there's no bending it. The truth is the truth, it stands alone unafraid.

Sheesh.

SB

she has hit me in the past though, and i'm scared she might do it again... if i tell her, it'll ruin everything, but if i don't, we may still have a chance.

You're afraid she's going to hit you? Again???

This has got to be a joke.

no joke. it hasn't happened too often. she just gets a bit crazy sometimes - last week she threw a bucket of fried chicken at me.

Yeah, I'm leaning towards Marsh on this one.

But since I'm posting to you again (for now) I'll add:


Why are you going to marry someone who physically abuses you?

And:


No, you have this backwards.

Charlotte

Sounds like another marriage "made in heaven."

Go right ahead with the plans. "Right and wrong" behavior doesn't sound all that important to either of you.

sorry guys, this is coming out all wrong. i wouldn't say she "abuses" me - it's just been the odd occasion that she's gone a little over-the-top.

we're not bad people, and we do know the difference between right and wrong - no one's perfect though.

"we're not bad people,"

OK, but it is confirmed that you are a liar and she is violent.

"and we do know the difference between right and wrong"

So you're not 'amoral' merely 'immoral'?

"no one's perfect though."

The favorite excuse of those knowingly doing wrong.

BTW why did she hit you and throw a bucket of chicken at you?

Did she catch you in a lie by any chance?

Ok, assuming this is not a joke - as others have mentioned...

Between this and your Chinese food post, you are going to marry an abusive, controlling person. Think twice. Think three times.

Tell the truth about the rugby and let the chips fall where they may -- with the exception of getting abused! (How did she end up being your fiance and never once attend one of your rugby games or meet friends from the team? That's odd)

you said: "it's just been the odd occasion that she's gone a little over-the-top"

Ummm... its ok if she only hits you now and then? Throws food at you now and then? Doesn't let you eat what you want?

That's not ok.

Imagine if the gender situation here were reversed, and say your sister or a female friend said "I'm going to marry this guy who only hits me occasionally." ?

is everyone on here so judgemental??

no, she didn't catch me lying. the bucket of chicken thing was because i'd forgotten to buy her some milk from the shops, and the other times were just when we'd got a little drunk - silly little things. i wouldn't say she was violent though.

those are all valid points...

she never saw me play rugby as i told her i'd been injured and had to quit. it was before i met her that i told her i'd played.

Let's get this straight, you solicit opinions from everyone, they respond (having seen these sorts of things for years, and many having lived through marriages with the sorts of issues you are describing) and you want to accuse the respondents to your inquiry of being "judgmental?"

You aren't hearing what you wanted to hear when you initiated the posting, so you are not going take any of the advice.

As I said previously, go ahead with your plans, you were always going to do so anyway. And that's a CONCLUSION gained from what you've posted, not a "judgment" as you are trying to classify the responses you've received.

ok, fair comment. i apologise.

Apology accepted, at least as it pertains to me.

Now here's the "issue" that you have ONE week to reflect upon...


Do want to "married" or do you want to be MARRIED?


If it's the former....stop seeking answers to your questions and just go ahead with the marriage plans.

If it's the latter, then you need a crash course in what "being married" really means.

Have you and your fiancee had any "pre-marital" counseling?

Are you two of the same "faith?"

Why do you think that ANY marriage can survive even "little white lies" rather than Openness and Honesty that is necessary in a "one flesh union?"

Let me ask you another question, have you considered that it's harder (usually both emotionally and financially) to END a marriage than it is to postpone or end the "marriage ceremony" itself?

Marriage is SERIOUS business. If there are serious doubts, then they need to be addressed BEFORE the "official ceremony."

Here's another little thing for you to chew on and think about:

If you are always honest, you never "have to" remember.


Think about it.

Danny,

Here's the deal.

Your lying is going to catch up with you, and when it does you better duck from the next bucket of chicken.

You are emotionally abusing your future wife by manipulating her into thinking you are someone you are NOT. When someone lies to us, it makes us hurt and angry and sometimes we don't know what to do with that anger. In your future wife's case, she threw a bucket of chicken at you. In time, this might escalate.

For one, your fiance needs to set some boundaries with you, like not accepting lying from you. If you cross her boundary, she needs to have consequences in place for that that are healthy for both of you. For instance, if she catches you in a lie, she should leave you, or not trust you, instead of throwing the bucket of chicken. Because when she throws the bucket out of deserved anger, she'll be considered abusive, when you abused her first. Then she'll start to believe everyone that she is abusive and she'll internalize that and it'll make her sick.

When she was angry at you for forgetting to get milk, she had every right to be angry because you said you would do something and then you didn't. You inconvenieced her. Now granted, she needs to not let the small stuff make her so angry. But my guess is that she was not just angry over the milk. You have probably done this kind of stuff before and it just errupted in her that time.

If you really love her, please tell her the truth. She is going to be angry that you manipulated her the way you did, and she has every right to be angry. Show her that you love her by reading about boundaries so you can both benefit from it.

Neither one of you should take this kind of abuse from each other, where one is lying and the other lets there anger out in innapropriate ways. If she does throw a bucket of chicken at you, it's because she knows no other way right now. She needs to learn to not let anyone step on her boundaries, and she needs pre-planned consequences in place so that she doesn't react in a way that will be thrown back in her face later for being "abusive", like you were to her.

You both need to seriously learn what your boundaries in marriage are, ie lying, flirting, etc and tell each other what the consequences will be for those things, to PROTECT your love for each other and your sanity.

Also, go out and buy the book "His Needs, Her Needs" and give it to her as a wedding gift. It'll be the best gift you could ever give her. You can read about some of that here in the articles on this website. Also get the book about "Lovebusters" which you can learn about here in the articles as well.

You may not think this is a big deal, but it is. It is HUGE.

Start your marriage out the right and let her know exactly who she is marrying so that she can make her decisions based on truth and fact.

Good luck, I wish you well.

Danny,

Do you plan on having children with your fiancee? Picture when they're 2,3, or 4 years old and forget to clean their room or eat their meals...how is your (future) wife going to deal with that...is she going to throw something at them or hit them?

Danny, you REALLY need to be honest about this.

And, your fiancee needs some anger management counseling.

Please remember, it is far easier to be embarassed and to cancel the wedding at the last moment than it is to end a marriage 2 weeks or 2 years later.

If your fiancee is willing to marry you after you break the bad news that you have been lying all this time, great. If you are willing to marry her after her physical displays of anger, that's not so great.

Either way, both of you need to change your ways. You can't go on with these behaviors if you want to have a successful marriage.

Now, why, WHY would you ever have thought it was ok to lie? And, WHY would she ever have thought it was ok to throw food at you? Do you not see a whole lot of sickness going on in this relationship? Is this the way you want to start a marriage? Is this the sort of life you want for yourself? For this woman you say you love? For any children you might have in the future?

OK guys, I've read both the threads started by this clown. We are being played, I would bet the farm on it. Someone is having just a little too much fun at the expense of MarriageBuilders.

OK - something really isn't adding up to this being normal:

From Danny's post on Emotional Needs: