So when I first found out about FWH's EA, I immediately tried to contact the OW's BF through MySpace. I never got a response, and cancelled my account about a week after I sent the messages. I recently discovered his cell number (verified it was his by calling it - voicemail picked up). I tried to find an address on him (all I have is a first name and cell #, unfortunately). So instead I texted him and told him briefly about the affair and I had proof if he needs it. A few minutes later OW called me from his cell, and I hung up on her, then I get this text (supposedly from him) saying that he knows everything and to leave them alone. I said I thought he just deserved to know the truth, and I wished him the best.

Obviously I have no way of knowing it was really from him or if she's just completely blocking contact (likely). Any words of wisdom, or should I just leave well enough alone since FWH has had zero contact with her?


ETA: I was hoping I'd feel somewhat better, but all it seems to have done is re-opened what little scab had started to heal.

I know a lot of people on this site will say EXPOSE, EXPOSE, EXPOSE. While I am certainly NOT a Phd and I have zero formal training in the subject, I disagree that exposure is the right answer to every situation.

D-day for me was mid-June. I found this site mid-August, 2 full months later. The day after D-day my WW stopped contacting the OM. Their A was 3 - 6 weeks, pretty short. I never knew about exposure and if I found this site the next day, I would have gone that route. However, 2 months later, my WW and I were on the road to recovery. Things were going well and I had my EP's in place to make sure there was NC. The only thing exposure would have done at that time would have been to set us back or possibly ruin any chance for recovery. I don't care about OM's now ex-wife and her "right to know". That is not my concern. My concern is rebuilding a strong marriage with my wife. I don't care about revenge, OM's family, kids, job or anything else. I was on the roller coaster but once my emotions became stable, I stopped focusing on the A and started focusing on what I could control.

I posted elsewhere that exposure could ruin a recovery. If you exposed to someone like my mother, my WW would have to endure a lifetime of hearing "Oh, here is my son with his wh*re wife" and shots like that. I am not saying that my mother is right in the way she would act; she would be wrong. But she does not have the forgviveness in her that I have. After hearing that for 5 or 10 years, my WW would probably just explode or have a breakdown. Again, some people will say the WW brought it on herself. That may be true but for how long must she pay?

The bottom line is only YOU can assess your situation. Only YOU know the people involved. If EXPOSURE worked every time, broke up every affair and saved every marriage, I would agree that you should do it....but it doesn't. I do not know of any statistics being kept where exposure prevented recovery but I am sure that has happened.

Best of luck to you.

Jim, I think you are confusing the principles behind exposure. And here are the general principles:

1. expose to selected key people in the family, friend circle, if need be, to END THE AFFAIR

2. expose to the OP's spouse in ALL cases whether the affair has ended or not

The poster is not suggesting exposure to the WS's mother, as in your analogy, but to the OP's BF. That would be a suggested practice in ALL CASES, because a) it increases the odds the affair stays ended and b) the OP spouse has a right and a need to know. It is the MORAL thing to do.

It has nothing to do with revenge, it has to do with decency. It is the right thing to do and your feelings about it are irrelevant. Nor can it ruin a recovery. A wayward who is in recovery would never resent such a thing. Only a wayward who was not in recovery would be upset about informing her victim of her actions.

Dr. Harley recommends exposure to the OP spouse in ALL CASES. It will not interfere in recovery. It will interfere with the AFFAIR. BIG DIFFERENCE.

not exposing the affair to the other BS is a horrible thing to do. You wouldn't want to live in the dark and you shouldn't hold back the truth from a BS just because your little wifey might get mad.

p.s. exposure DOES work everytime. Its goal is to EXPOSE the affair and put pressure on it to end. [or to inform the direct victim, the BS] It achieves that end. No one ever said it will put an immediate end to an affair or "saved a marriage," so that is a false standard you have applied yourself. What it does do is make the affair much harder to carry on. Affairs thrive on secrecy so concealing them enables them.

Dr. Harley: "exposure is like chemotherapy to cancer...."

I too am in angst about telling oPS about the affair because OPS is alcoholic and has a history of suicide attempts. I would not want that over my head if indeed that was a result of my information. I agree it is the moral thing to do but in this case the risk is very high that OPS will go over the edge.

he deserves to know....period.

who gave you that tidbit of info that he is suicidal???

Undoubtedly the affairees gave him this info. They would prefer to continue the affair, so they say that the the OM's wife is suicidal. Makes it nice and easy.

A person who is that fragile emotionally has an even greater need to know so he can protect himself from his abusive spouse. His cheating spouse is likely contributing to his shaky mental state with her abusive behavior and he won't know exaclty how until he knows the truth about his own life. He is probably wondering if he is crazy. I couldn't live with myself if I DIDN'T tell such a person.

Of course, your information about this OPS is a lie that came from liars. It is almost a rule that a WS will lie about their spouse in order to justify the affair. Lies are what liars do.

I'm really struggling here...I feel like I've been sent back to day 1 and I'm having trouble coping tonight. I have no idea if OW's BF really does know, or if she just intercepted the text. I'm guessing he saw my messages on MySpace, but I have no way of proving that, either.

I'm consumed with pain and anger tonight - at the OW and at my FWH. FWH appears to be open and transparent with everything (and I've been watching) - he doesn't know I attempted to contact the BF though.

This sucks. I'm sick of feeling this way. I wish I could close my eyes and make all this bullsh*t go away.

Saying the OP is "suicidal" is probably meant to scare folks away from tellng the spouse in order to protect the affair. Apparently the OP was not concerned or he/she would not have the affair. And who knows the OPS best? I say if the OP is not concerned, then you shouldnt be either.

if you have his address send him a RESTRICTED letter. Only he can sign for it.

That was enlightening to read. I am glad there are others out there that feel not ONE solution works for everyone.

Gdar, the "solution" of informing the betrayed spouse that their WS is having an affair DOES work for everyone. I have NEVER seen a situation where it DID NOT work. While exposure targets may be different in every case - in which exposure is necessary - exposure to the spouse or SO is always THE solution. There is no other solution and no one can rationally defend not telling the BS. That is just a cop out.

I completely appreciate your POV here. I just believe in life, there is not ONE answer, ONE solution for every situation. I learned never to say never years ago. I have not exposed to the OW's H, and unless I have reason to believe the EA is continuing (which I do not), then I won't. If they were sleeping together, or had, or the EA had been on going (it was 4-6 weeks at best), then I would have exposed. At THIS point, I do not see how ruining two families will help. Again, I WILL, if the circumstances change. Not every situation is the same.

He has the right to know what has happened or is likley still happening in his marriage. I am pretty sure if he had this info and you were clueless your opinion would differ. And since in your case they still work together it is really only a matter of time.

Gdar, doing nothing is not a solution; it is a weak rationalization. And sure, it is an "alternative," but it is not another solution. I can see why you are emotionally invested in defending the indefensible; this is what you have done yourself so you feel compelled to defend it altho it makes no sense.

Nor can you rationalize doing nothing by saying you will "ruin 2 families." That is not logical. It is the AFFAIR that harms the families, not the knowledge of the affair. Knowledge of the affair would give the participants what they need to solve the problem and take steps to protect themselves.

If my bookkeeper is embezzling money from me, it is not the TELLING that harms me, but the STEALING. Knowing the truth enables me to protect myself.

You have no reason to say I have done nothing, just because the one thing I havent done is expose. I have done plenty, just left this out. You are trying to tell me what I have and havent done and that I will fail.

When I say you have done nothing, I am referring to exposure to the OWH. We are talking about exposure to the OP spouse.

WOW....just....WOW.

OW BF just called me. He saw my number on his phone and didn't know who I was - so I told him everything. He said he had known, but wanted to hear from me what I knew. He was SO nice and thanked me for telling him. I told him I felt he had a right to know the type of person he was involved with, because she KNEW my husband was married and had children. He said "I appreciate that - it looks like I may be getting taken for a ride here." He promised to let me know if he saw any signs of contact being made, and I promised to do the same. I told him I wouldn't bother him otherwise, but he was free to contact me at any time if he had more questions, wanted to talk, etc.

A HUGE weight has been lifted.

Awesome. I am happy for you, Broken Soul

That is the exact same quote and feeling I had when I exposed in January of 07. Good job.

Fantastic news, I am glad it worked out!

Thanks all. Man. I can't believe how much better I feel. I was so glad to hear him promise to keep in touch should anything happen.

I hope I can really begin to heal now. FWH has been doing so well with his end of recovery, but I felt stuck.

Great job, BS! They are always so grateful that you cared enough to call them. While it is heartbreaking, they are so happy to know the truth. You did the right thing, bs, and i applaud you for being such a caring person.

Gdar:

As I mentioned, I was 2 months past d-day and one month into Plan A before I learned about exposure. Exposing at that point would have set us back so I chose not to.

Knowing what I know now, I would have exposed on d-day. If there is ever a d-day #2, I will expose that day. But, with R going well, now 3 months past d-day, all it would do is set us back.

There is NC and my EP's are in place so I know the A is over. If exposure is to bust up the A and the A is already "busted up", no need for it. The OM in my case is divorced now anyway.

I don't think you can make a blanket statement that exposure breaks of the affair every time. I exposed, yet my WstbxH is still living with OW a year and a half later. However, if you read through the stories here, those that exposed the fastest and most furious were more likely to stop the A in its tracks. Check out Runnerboy's thread - he exposed the A before his WW and her OM could even put their clothes on (he threw them in the yard). The A was over before the sheets cooled down.

On the other hand BS's who wait lose the opportunity for the maximum impact of exposure. In my case, OWH knew a few weeks before I did. He tried very hard to expose to me but he didn't know who I was and OW and WstbxH put up every roadblock they could. His only lead was that his 6 yo DD knew Wstbx's first name and had seen his last name on his name tag. Unfortunately, she thought the W was a V, so OWH phoned every single name in the phone book with the wrong initials. He would have found me if he had the correct information. (interestingly, WstbxH removed all the personal voice mail recordings around this time and had them set to the factory installed robot-like voicemail. I had asked him why and I forget his excuse but the reason is obvious now) I believe this delay in exposure allowed OW and WstbxH to make their plans and come up with even more excuses and even put the finishing touches on snowjobbing their families.

Exposure did have great benefit to me, even if it didn't break up the A. It got the truth out there so that people were supportive and it nipped gossip in the bud (no need for gossip if the truth is readily available). Also, when OWH and I finally did connect, we were able to sort out the truth of what was going on, including a much closer estimate of the true length of the A. The lies we were led to believe are unfathomable and too numerous to rehash here. We were also able to pass information to prevent being further screwed by our WS's who were by that point resorting to breaking in and stealing things from us.

It is for these reasons that I strongly urge newly betrayed BS's to expose. Yes it can be embarrassing and yes you risks cranky old relatives never living it down - at least until someone else in the family screws up and they harp on their new "victim" (if your cranky old relatives are anything like mine ;)). But the benefits far, far outweigh the risks. Just read the stories here -who has exposed and who waited - you'll see with your own eyes.

Thank you. I felt bad because he sounded like SUCH a nice guy, but the thought of him not having the whole truth really bothered me. She made such a big effort to try to scare me off yesterday that I felt sure he DIDN'T know everything. I'm really glad he called me.

I'm a slow typer - this came while I was posting. WAY TO GO!!!! This guy is your ally - you'll be able to help each other stop this A and prevent it from happening again. Good Job!!!!

CJ, there is always a NEED to tell the BS about an affair. That exposure is not contingent upon the state of the affair. The BS needs this information regardless of the state of the affair, even if it is YEARS LATER. This would not effect your recovery.

Is the OM divorced because of the affair with your wife?

I understand. My Dday was several months ago, so exposing at this point seemed pointless to me, as well - as the EA is no longer continuing. I appreciate your comments.

My exposure did not end the affair but it crippled it badly and I think it remains mostly on life support a year and a half later. But, I will never regret letting Gollum's wife know what was going on. I was told by Wayzilla that OMW was in her own affair and simply did not care what he did. LIE. I had met her twice and knew this could not be true. I felt so much better after I talked to her (we talked for over an hour) and knowing I had done what was right and not what was easy. It did not save my marriage (although it helped give it it's best chance) but it was the right thing to do.

No. The D was 90% done when the A started.

As I said, if it were d-day, I would go ring her doorbell and tell her all about it. After all OM and my WW were "just friends" according to WW. So what's the big deal if I tell her about the "friendship", right? I just did not know about exposure until our R was going very well. Doing it now would hurt our R and I really don't give a rats @$$ about the OM's now ex knowing.

I disagree that telling your wife's victim would harm your relationship. It would help your W's recovery and most of all the OMW. If you have to help hide your w's crime against this woman to keep the peace in your marriage, then you are not in recovery. That is not recovery, that is collusion, IMO.

It may very well be that this affair is what led to the divorce and knowing this information, which is VITAL information about her own life, would help her in many ways. It might explain the collapse of her marriage and/or help her and her children in her legal defense. I know that I would consider it an act of kindness if you told me.

I have had to tell a BS about an affair and they were extremely grateful.

Yup. OW's BF was very grateful and said "yeah, I'm not into that, either."

I'll be honest and really hesitated telling him because it's been almost 3 months since d-day, but I felt like I didn't have closure. I also felt like he had a right to know, because IMO someone who's willing to get involved with a married man and have an EA (AND send a NAKED PIC OF HERSELF TO HIM) would also have a PA - and in this day in age it's dangerous to mess with someone's health that way. I know he's really hurting right now and I hate that for him, but I also feel like I saved him from further heartbreak, and maybe even from getting an STD/AIDS.

Thank you all for the comments. The OPS is a wife and I appreciate the comments. In this case, however, I know she was suicidal in the past and is alcoholic. I feelas most here, tat I am morally bound to tell her but dread the possibility that I may be responsible for some thing bad to happen. My wife has stopped the encounters and is remorseful and we are trying to recover. Why stir the pot.

Thess, you are not responsible for the affair, nor anything anybody else does because of it. If the OPS commits suicide, it is because of the affair, not the information. I know in my own case finding out the truth of the affair is what set me free. I was not suicidal, but I was a train wreck waiting to happen.

I wish, wish, wish someone would have exposed to me a long time ago. My WH told my best friend he thought she was attractive repeatedly years ago - before we had kids. Her H knew about it too, how I wish he would have told me . . .life could have been so much better. . .

If I had known then, our M would have had a better chance of recovery, or ended in D w/o bringing kids in to the picture. So many people knew more about my M than I did, and there I was making major life choices w/o the benefit of the TRUTH.

ML is right, exposing is the only MORAL thing to do. I can understand how a BS doesn't care much about the OPS - but think about COMPASSION. If OPS was the one that knew, would you want them to tell you?

Have some compassion for the OPS, they deserve to know the TRUTH about their marriage that the OP is hiding from them.

fade

ITA w/you.

The OW BF sounded like such a nice guy and I could tell by his questions that even though the skank "confessed" to him, that he didn't have the whole picture. I got the distinct impression she downplayed the whole thing and then probably made out like I was some overly-jealous wife that flipped out about their "friendship". He sounded so sad but was very appreciative of the info.

Plus, I think like ML said in another post (??) it could potentially be a life and death situation as well. I wouldn't put it past this individual to sleep around on her BF, which could potentially expose him to STD's/AIDS.

My FWH didn't feel it was my "place" to tell him, but I'm still glad I did. I would want to know if the shoe was on the other foot - otherwise, I would just be living a lie (as was he). An added bonus is I finally feel at peace rather than being consumed with pain/anger that the OW is walking around scott-free after being an interloper in my marriage and family.

It is comforting to see what efforts that strangers here are putting forth in trying to help me. I appreciate the comments and it validates my thoughts when I put all your comments together to help me decide my course of action. Thank you and hugs to all. I am still bewidered that I am here at all.

I called OM today and asked him if his W know about the affair. He said "No". I asked him to tell her so I could get this poison out of me. I don't know what to do. Has anyone counselled over the phone with Steve Harley?

You're going to count on that? You need to go straight to the horse's mouth and tell her yourself.

Charlotte

thess, that is probably not going to be very effective in getting the news to the OM's GF. He would have no reason to bust himself, especially if he believes you are too scared to rat him out. I would call her directly or drive to his house.

Firstly I don't want the guilt of potentially breaking up their marriage. I talked this over with my wife, about the need to tell OS and she thinks it's not our business (naturally).The guy is somewhat prominent so it would be very scandalous. I drove to their house yesterday and was tempted to walk in but lacked the courage, so I phoned him instead. I called him at home and he asked me to call him at his work if I wanted to speak with him so I suspect he is worried. This is tearing me apart because part of me wants to "punish" him for taking my W from me and part of me feels "compassion" for the unsuspecting spouse who has a moral right to know, but is it my place to let the cat out of the bag. I hope he takes that opportunity to fix his marriage by admitting the affair and start to fix it,becuase I suspect it's a matter of time before I take that step. I would prefer it comes from him and she calls me to confirm she knows. Thanks for the counsel folks. Also, we told our adult boys that we were having marital problems and had a "heart-to-heart" last night but W and agreed ahead of time not to bring up the A. They still don't know and I don't want them to know. I gave W a copy of "Surviving an Affair" as it parallels our experiences, but I suspect she is in withdrawal and not receptive to it's messages.

First, if their marriage breaks up, it will be because OM cheated on his wife - not because you outted him. The responsibility is all his. The guilt is all his.

As a FBS, OMW has every right to know that her H is a cheat so she can decide whether she wants to remain in the M or not. By not telling her, you are not doing her any favors. Every BS has a right to know the truth. You would want that courtesy and yet you deny OMW? What have you learned?

Whether she knows it or not, her H is a cheat and that affects her M. She may not know the cause but she suffers the result.

IMHO it is your obligation and moral duty to ensure she knows the truth.

Thess, you are protecting the OM so he can do this to another man's family. How is that in anyone's best interest?

Why is it NOT your place to tell the OM's GF since you KNOW? Wouldn't it be the "place" of anyone who knows? If your neighbors bookkeeper is stealing money from him would it only be the "place" of the bookkeeper to tell him? Wouldn't that mean that my neighbor NEVER gets the truth? How will the OM's GF get the truth if no one tells her?

The OM's GF is being exposed to STDs and may end up defrauded into marrying a man she doesn't know. All because it isn't your "place" to warn her? Does that sound very compassionate?

Two sets of eyes, friend. Let this woman become your ally. The A can go underground if you don't have both BS's being vigilant.

GF

Thess, would you think it compassionate if your WW was screwing OM, people knew, yet no one thought it was their place to tell you? Would you really think, "hey thanks for looking out for me" or would you feel like a fool for being the last one in on the joke? Not to mention being exposed to STDs and the possibility that a child could be born of an affair to complicate a BS's life a million times more. I can understand that you feel bad for OMW but she deserves the truth. I had the same reservations myself when I contacted OPS but it was the best thing I could have done. OM is NOT going to admit anything to his wife and you know it.

It still amazes me that people are willing to swerve to avoid hitting an animal in the street, yet they can turn a blind eye to a person getting abused because it's "none of their business." Very, very sad.

Thess, I understand that you feel like by exposing, you would be causing pain to the OPS. You know how much it hurts, and you don't want them to experience that hurt too - that's compassionate. But what you need to understand is that the pain won't come from you telling, it's from WS's behavior. YOU aren't causing the pain - you're sharing necessary info. Look at this this way - somebody posted this example in another thread, which I really liked - if the OPS had a flat tire and didn't know it, would you tell them, to keep them from getting into an accident, or would you keep your mouth shut thinking it isn't your "place" to say anything? Wouldn't you hope someone would be kind enough to let you know your tire was going flat? Would you be angry at that person for sharing that information? I realize that's a really simplified way of looking at it, but all you're doing is sharing important information - what OPS chooses to do with that info is up to them and you aren't responsible for.

I think you'll also find a surprising amount of peace comes from doing it too - because like a pp said - you'll have two pairs of eyes watching to be sure the affair isn't re-started. Plus it'll make the situation so uncomfortable for both WS's that it isn't likely to re-start.

Truly grateful for all the wise counsel. Much food for thought and I appreciate your welcomed support.

You did the right thing. I'm glad it worked out!

In my sitch, I contaced the OW's H and together we exposed the details of the affair. We were each asking questions on each side and emailing each other what we found so no more lies could be told. Sometimes I still wonder though, but at least most of the details were exposed. I still consider him an ally in all of this. Together we made sure there was no contact.

She probably feels suicidal because she feels the distance from her spouse from the affair. I was an emotional MESS the entire time of my H's A, but in the dark and I am so disgusted that no one exposed. Exposure is the only way to GIVE strength to the betrayed spouse. It is a GIFT.

And like you, I questioned the idea at first. And my H of course discouraged me from "hurting their relationship". He was just trying to protect himself and the A.