Something has been gnawing at me a bit, and I wanted to get you guys' input. It may be irrelevent, but I think I'm too close to be able to see that, so I need a little perspective. Don't kick me in the rear *too* hard though, k?

As a quick recap - FWH had a long-distance EA for about nine months or so - no PA even though they met twice (she has a BF - long story). Exclusively cyber sex, and she sent a nude pic of herself to him. He sent one to her but you couldn't see anything (just his shirt off). There's been absolutely NC since 7/4/08 on either side (I've been monitoring). Affair was exposed to my brother, FWH, OW and her BF.

So...what's always bothered me is his refusal to call it "cheating" or an "affair". He's very remorseful for what he's done, has apologized repeatedly, says he feels horribly guilty, and really has done an amazing turnaround that I honestly didn't think he was capable of. To me it seems like by him refusing to use those words (uses "the incident" instead), it's minimizing the seriousness of it and the devastation it caused, and I'm afraid that he'll be at higher risk of repeating the behavior, or worse, eventually having a PA. We've been working at meeting each other's EN, both of us are happier than ever, etc. but that's always bothered me.

So am I worrying over something inconsequential? If so, how do I let go of that?

Will he read a book? If so get him the book "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass. She does a good job of calling an EA an EA.

I'm not sure...he might. Might be worth a shot anyway. We're in MC and I plan on bringing it up when we go Thursday...but I was just curious to see what you guys had to say about it, too.

You might ask him how he would feel if you had a one night stand with another man (only sex). To me an EA for a man is the same as a PA for a man because men show their love through sex and women through emotion. If you had a PA, he would feel like you with his EA. Just my take.

The His Needs, Her Needs book explains how all this work, so you might both read it. He could gain insight into how you feel.

I have...he seems to have trouble imagining how he might feel in that situation. To some degree I can understand that because you never *really* know until you're there, but I would think that he could at least imagine feeling hurt, etc. He understands that he's caused a tremendous amount of pain, knows that it's the worst thing I've ever been through, apologized repeatedly...just seems like that's one piece he doesn't "get" or something...He equates cheating with sex, and since they didn't have sex, just thinks their relationship was "inappropriate and wrong, but not cheating."

broken_soul,

See if this link helps you and your H to understand"

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8501_fft.html

Those Harleys are smart people.

All Blessings,
Jerry

Ahhh....I had seen that before but forgot about it! Thanks for that Jerry. I re-read it and also sent it to my FWH.

ITA - those Harleys ARE smart people.

I would try not to get too hung up on what he calls it. Give it any name you want, it is an affair. As long as he acknowledges it and sticks with NC. Some WS's will not even be remorseful but that can be normal too.

Jim, I'm definitely grateful that he's remorseful. I feel like he's made a LOT of just compensation by working as hard as he's been (and I know you're not suggesting I'm not grateful). I guess the fear is fear of trusting him again.

Had a nice conversation with FWH last night. He made an excellent point by saying he could tell me anything I wanted to hear, but felt that I should be able to tell how he feels about his EA (guilty, etc.) because he's made such drastic changes, and that actions speak louder than words. He asked if I thought he would be trying so hard if he didn't understand how much damage and hurt he'd caused. We're under a lot of financial stress right now, and I commented how normally that would cause a lot of friction between us, rather than bring us together. Things have been really good between us, and I'm afraid to trust that at this point. Before d-day I was completely caught off guard by the EA and how unhappy FWH was in our marriage, and I'm afraid of being caught off guard like that again. So, I know it'll take time.