My husband knowingly walked in the room I had just asked him to wait outside of because my sister-in-law was naked after just having given birth. When I noticed he was in the room, I asked him to leave but he refused saying my brother said it was OK. (He and my sister-in-law are both in the medical field and do not think much of seeing the human body.) I feel like he cheated on me right before my eyes! I do not know how we can ever be in the same room with my sister-in-law again knowing my husband has seen her naked. I feel so betrayed. I just lost my Dad and have very little family left. Any advice?

I think you're way over-reacting.

Do you suspect your husband of an affair with his SIL?

There has to be more to this story you aren't telling us...

annabell7 has there been any affair history with your H? or you?

Emotional or Physical affair doesn't matter either... cheating is cheating

A bit more back ground would help immensely so as to give posters an idea of the situation and how this incident fits into the scheme of things and enable yo to receive advice relevant to the issues

Rather my thoughts too.

More info would be good

No - I do not suspect my husband of having an affair with my sister-in-law or anyone else but he did cheat on me twice since we have been together. Also, he is addicted to porn. He has been in recovery for some time, even going to a support group but anytime there is a scantily clad woman around, I get very nervous and wonder what he is thinking about?

You sought out and posted on an infidelity web forum though.

How long since your Husband's affairs?

Well, speaking from experience, a woman's body is not exactly is not exactly taut and in its best shape immediately after giving birth.

That said, I do think it was extremely disrespectful of your H to barge in after being asked to wait outside. It doesn't matter if your brother told him it was OK; and, if your brother did tell him this, your brother doesn't have much respect for his own wife and her privacy.

I would probably be ticked off, too, but not thinking of it as being cheating...unless, of course, your H has a prior history of cheating or being some kind of voyeur. I would be ticked off over the lack of respect he showed.

My husband is a recovering sex addict. He can not be in situations where women are dresses provocatively (let alone naked). I am always having to be on the look out for things, if he sees an image, it stays in his mind for weeks. We do not go to public pools, dance clubs, etc & we have a filter on our computer. I asked my husband to wait outside the room because my sister-in-law was naked but he just walked right in anyway. Then when I told him how uncomfortable the situation made me, he actually yelled at me.

There was no- my husband saw my sister-in-law naked forum , and anyway I do consider what he did cheating.

He cheated on me 16 yrs ago but this situation has brought back all the old feelings of worthlessness.

that's just it- my husband is a sex addict. He reacts differently when put in situations like this. I have to worry whenever there is a improperly dresses woman around and now I can't even be in the same room with my sister-in-law for fear my husband is picturing her naked.

He was going to meetings but hasn't for awhile. I think this may be why he slipped - in a big way!

Surrender your need to police your husband in his addiction.

I would have simply left with the car and let him find his own way home from the hospital, given the porn addiction and disrespect of your request.

Once home, I would have packed his things and moved him out of the master bedroom, with a note that says, "respect me and respect that I'm not going to stand by while you play out your addiction in front of me - I'm headed to 90 meetings in 90 days; you are welcome to join me or not, but it will let me know where our marriage stands compared to what you did by disrespecting my request at the hospital."

When was the last time you went to an S-Anon meeting?

I can not stop the obsession to police my husband, as you say. I love my husband so very much and I want more than anything for this marriage to work. I am a fairly attractive woman but I keep thinking at any time he is going to find someone more attractive and leave.

My husband was attending men's integrity groups weekly through our church but hasn't gone in 4 mo.

Then why are you posting here?

You know the answer - you say you cannot stop the obsession? Then you are as powerless over the addiction TO HIM as he is to porn and your life has become unmanageable - you have to start somewhere.

If you don't want to take that first step and surrender the obsession - and take the second step - then all you want is the drama that being married to a sex addict can provide.

I know.

I'm married to a sex addict.

In recovery? Most of the time.

Massage therapist. Knows what happens LEGALLY if he crosses the line - and I won't bail him out. He never has crossed those lines. And he won't work on women who want him to.

That's right - you read right.

I'm not obsessed with my husband's addiction.

I surrendered that many years ago.

My own sanity and my own worth of what I bring to this marriage lets me know that I can walk away easier than he can. And I'm worth NOT walking away from.

I'm 100 pounds overweight. I'm not worried about what he sees or doesn't see, what he touches and doesn't touch.

You want recovery? Pay attention to what you are paying attention to and why.

And put that in perspective.

Because your reaction at the hospital says more about YOU than it says about him.

He can make it out like your obsessed and over-reacting.

And he's right because you're not sober or in recovery for yourself.

You're an anon.

And if you want serenity you're going to have to turn him over to a power greater than yourself because you can't make him stop.

Nothing you can do can make him stop.

And the more you try, the more you get in God's way.

Think about it.

I agree with most of what you say. But my husbands addiction puts me in a bad place. He has me look through magazines before he does, pick out the movies we see, hold the remote when we watch TV (for fast necessary channel changes), make sure the computer is filtering everything properly, etc

When I see a "real life" situation like one of many women who show too much cleavage or expose their G-sting panties in public - how am I supposed to ignore it??? It makes me crazy.

We live in a somewhat wealthy area and the women hear go to no ends to look perfect - and flaunt their perfection.

I have not had all the procedures most women have had (breast enlargement, tummy tuck, etc)in this area but if I had the money and wasn't such a baby - I would, just so I could compete.

Hmmm, my first reaction is to agree with BigK... if he's a physician, are you jealous of his female patients?

But then I read this:


and my gut reaction is to say, *WHAT*????? AND HE'S ALLOWED AROUND PATIENTS?????

Please tell me he's an ENT... nope, they listen to your chest... a podiatrist... never mind, there are folks with foot fetishes... a proctologist? They mostly see men, right?

Does he see women patients? Are they ever in less than street clothing? Are they ever sedated?

you miss understood, LOL. My brother is in the medical field - he told my husband to come in the room with his naked wife. He BTW does not know of my husbands condition.

Ooooohhhhhh...

Well I have to say that I understand some people being lax about nudity, especially in the medical field... after several months in a teaching hospital with a gaping wound down my belly, I no longer had any modesty. "C'mon in! Take a gander! Poke, prod, discuss amongst yourselves!" LOL And my H was almost always right there in the room. Well, of course not during surgery... or CT scans... but usually.

But if your H isn't in the medical field, that's different... yes he should've honored your wishes... but I still agree with BigK and Kayla. Them's purty smart folkses.

How did your SIL feel about it?

(I did feel like I was cheating on my H when I had to see an emergency OB/GYN who was a guy. I asked H if he was ok with it, since I was traveling and H wouldn't be there. Probably silly of me though. )

KaylaAndy has given you the BEST and perhaps only workable answer here.

Your H is an addict... it needs to be treated as any other addiction ... it means YOU cannot continue to be his policeman if you want improvement ... hasn't worked yet has it?

Listen to experience annabell7 .... you don't have an easy way out of this so do it the right way .... your H should be back in treatment as well... however you can't make him do that

It's like your his mother and he is using you to filter out all the "bad" stuff instead of relying on himself. This seems odd to me, but, please, if I am wrong and that is what she should be doing, someone please correct me.
It's like he is giving you all of this power, but making you crazy because of it. He has to be able to deal with his addictions himself, right? I understand leaning on your spouse during a trying time, but this seems so intense.

Maybe I'm wrong.

Isn't there a group like AlAnon for loved ones?

I'm unable to speak to your husband's motives in going in the room, nor what he has thought about it since. I will speak to the nakedness, however, based on 40 years of nursing--30 of it spent in labor and delivery.

Very few women are totally naked while delivering. Uncovered, yes. Naked? Not so much. And what is exposed (and I could get more descriptive, but why get censored?), while it is generally related to sex, is not in any way SEXY! Not to any normal male fantasy that I've ever heard, at any rate. Blood, amniotic fluid, bodily excretions of all types, both mom's and baby's...I've cleaned this stuff up a thousand times and more, for decades, and at times the delivery room looked like an abattoir.

Can your husband get some good sexual fantasies out of seeing that? I don't know. I think it would be some work to do it, at any rate. But he did disrespect your request, and that bothers me. It also bothers me that you have to act like the presidential advance security team, and secure an area before he's allowed into it. How old is this man? And when is he going to take a little personal responsibility? You have given yourself an impossible task to perform, and as I look at it, I'd be WAY less worried about this one-time look at some unattractive and uncovered parts, and more concerned about his regularly trying to make me mother/police/guard/conscience to protect him from himself.

No, he didn't cheat. Unless your SIL was spectacularly and uniquely displayed, post-delivery (which I'm having a hard time imagining), he didn't see anything to get turned on over. But he was rude to you, and he's making YOU be the responsible one, while he skates, in your day-to-day life. Focus on that, I think, since it is where the problem lies, and where the changes need to be made.

tl

I'm also confused in that I'm wondering if these things you do for him, sanitizing life around you, is that something he requested you do for him or is that a role you've assumed to protect yourself, him or both?

T

In addition to your husband getting help to try to curb his addiction, you may be able to do things at home to help.

It sounds like one of his most important emotional needs is sex (if not the most important) and that voyeurism is a big facet of what turns him on. Maybe try to find out what he likes to look at and why, and see if you can emulate that at home. Some guys, like myself, just like the thrill of variety, and seeing different women fulfills that. So when my wife would want to really get me going, she'd buy new underwear, or put on a sexy outfit that she hadn't worn for a while, or even suggest sex in a place or a way that was not typical for us. Some guys have a particular "thing" that they like to see. Part of the body, pose, etc. If you can begin meeting his need for sex in the way that pleases him most, it will help him not feel like he has to go outside the marriage to have it met.

And discuss with him your need to feel safe from having his eyes wandering. Unfortunately in today's world you won't be able to get away from half-naked (or naked) women no matter how hard you try. All you can do is ask him to respect your need to feel like he only has eyes for you, and to try your best to give him something that he looks forward to putting his eyes on.

No, No, No.

Her husband has used sex to self medicate. This isn't an issue of her meeting his needs. It's an issue of her husband having used sex to numb himself from feeling. He's used women to get high. Just like a drug addict uses coke to get high. Your suggestion would be like telling a wife to make sure she's got a good supply of dope at home so her husband doesn't have to buy it off the streets.

Besides S-Anon, there's also COSA. CoDA might work well for you too.

Online, there's recoverynation.com and no-porn.net

I've gotten the most mileage out of seeing a sex addiction counselor, myself, to learn to process/deal with my husband's addiction.

OK - no matter how many times I explain to my husband how what he did makes me feel, he refuses to apologize. He new my sister-in-law was naked, I asked him to wait outside the room till she had a chance to cover up - he went right in anyway. In our marriage we have a boundary - we do not see others naked. My husband purposely crossed that boundary right in front of my eyes. I can not just continue on like nothing happened. I have no idea what to do from here. Any ideas?

Have you tried the suggestions you've been given?

Find an S-Anon group - live or on-line. I happen to know of a closed meeting that is by invitation only. You're welcome to contact me through the moderators and I'll send you a link where you can sign up if you'd like.

Have you picked up a copy of an Al-Anon basic text and started your first step inventory?

Have you found a sponsor?

Have you recognized that your addiction to him and his drama is as spiritually caustic to you as his addiction is to him?

Why do you demand an apology from him when you won't admit your own wrongs and do something about them? (You excuse yourself from setting boundaries that are healthy for you and place responsibility for his recovery on him, admitting you are obsessive but unwilling to do anything about it!)

Another good anon study is "Boundaries" by Cloud and Townsend. My S-Anon sponsor had me read that book.

Do you really want suggestions for recovery? Or do you want more of the same, with validation that he's a bad guy?