Marriage Builders
Posted By: Dagger Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 05:30 AM
Alright. Me(22 yrs old) and my wife(20 yrs old) have been married for 4 years. We got married when she was 16 and I was 18. We have had 2 handsome boys together ages 2 and 4. In the first year of our marriage I had some issues being faithful, but since then everything has changed. She, as well, had a few incidents, but have eventually gotten out and we officially began our family. We still had issues within eachother like trust and comminication but we worked with what we could and made the best of it.


(December 10th 2008 - December 31st 2008)
Early December 2008, she decided she wanted out, and had packed some of her things and went to stay with her father. I quickly found out that she had been getting close with another guy(28 yrs old), whom I work with. He has a pregnant long time girlfriend at home, along with his kid from another marriage and her 2 kids from other people. I work with him and were acquaintences with him, and know that he sleeps around on his girlfriend with countless women, but he has recently "charmed" my wife, and she has given in.

They started out as just messing around with eachother, sexually. Things began to get more "serious" between them, as I tried my hardest to help her realize what kind of guy he is and what his intentions were, but she would listen to what I had to say. Weeks go by, I get my kids whenever I'd like, which is good on her part, and good for me during this time.

She found out that he had been sleeping with other girls, while they were suppose to be "together", so she finally realized what I had been saying all along. One day later, I heard some news from others, and decided to confront her about it. She is pregnant with his child.

She regrets everything with him, and NOW wants to work on us, but I am so torn and beat up emotionally through out all of this time, and to hear this now just crushes me. I know I'm still young, I love her like no other, and now since her head is clear about him, she wants to work on us.

I have no clue, or idea what to do or how to do it. I believe I cannot be with her if she has this child. I cannot keep raising my kids and someone else's child that she had an affair with.

Any advice would be appreciated...

Posted By: bigkahuna Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 06:05 AM
You might want to click on notify and ask a moderator to move your post to GQII where you will get many more replies.
Posted By: DNU1 Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 07:38 AM
Read, read, read and read more information posted on MB.com and for forums. Your situation seems like it's unique, but I'm sure someone out there has been down the same road.

Repeat, read, read, read, and read more. Take time to decide what is best for you! Not best for your children (this sounds selfish, but if you stay in relationship for childen it's doomed to failure).

Take your time. Examine your thoughts, your feelings, the situation. Read some more, then call Harley's and talk to counselor.

This is YOUR life...only YOU can decide what's best for you.

When I first posted here I was afraid of the "you should do this..." posts. And got them. It's easy to judge from afar, looking only at words on the screen. It's much harder to stand in someone's shoes and live their lives.

Take the time to examine your life and see where you are and want to be. D.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 02:29 PM
dagger

"I believe I cannot be with her if she has this child. I cannot keep raising my kids and someone else's child that she had an affair with."

Some men can and some can not have anything to do with raising their WW's OC, other child.

You can only do what is right to you. At this point your life is so upside down you can not make decisions clearly. Best to let some time to pass. Then after weighing the situation you will know what it is and how it will have to be done regarding the marriage, COM, OC.

The first thing that needs to be done is that this affair needs to be exposed. You must tell OMW/GF, work, WW's parents and siblings.

Exposure is needed to bring about NC, no contact between OM and WW.

Do not have SF with the WW until she has had STD tests done.

Also being that WW has stepped out before you should have DNA test done on the COM, children of the marriage.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 05:56 PM
Thank you all. I just have no idea what to do. I feel like decisions need to be made now before all of this gets even more out of hand. Seems to me like time isnt on our side, and decisions need to be made.

Both of our familys have seen this marriage tarnished before, and I wouldnt want them thinking even worse about it if I were to tell them what is going on. I just have NO IDEA what to do.
Posted By: Verve Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 06:01 PM
Though you worry about what your families will think, they still need to know. Do they know that she is pregnant? If so, do they think that it is yours? They will find out sooner or later, as she starts showing. I know that it's a difficult decision and you don't want your family to think badly of you or your wife, but lying/hiding the truth is never good.

OM's girlfriend needs to know immediately! She needs to know everything. Do you have any way to contact her?
Posted By: miriam123 Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 06:09 PM
You can't control what your families will think, so give that one up. Plus, the truth will out anyway, eventually; the only one that will suffer in the meantime by holding it all in is you.

AND. The only way to really knock the A off its tracks is to expose, expose, expose. No guarantees but it makes it MUCH more difficult to continue.

Re: the pregnancy - there are at least (potentially) three lives involved here. Are you able to afford a session with the Harleys? If not, is there a pastor/rabbi/priest/other that you trust? Or access to a counseling service? You are going to need support to sort through your feelings about her pregnancy and your choices - and that's in addition to whatever couples work you do.

I know it feels like there's no time, but there really is. If she decides to terminate the pregnancy she has until the end of the 1st trimester - may have longer depending on the state you're in, and finally there are always options such as adoption. The two of you DO have time. Don't add to the tremendous pressure you're already under by feeling you have to make a decision today, tomorrow, or this week.

- M
What does your wife want to do?
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 08:50 PM
She is currently out of town until the end of the weekend with her parents visiting family. Tonight I will get her side of everything and what she thinks or wants to do. I personally believe terminating the pregnancy is what would be best for myself, her, and our 2 sons. She has her doubts on that. I know that would have an effect for the rest of her life, however, I think thats what needs to be done to ensure we can carry on and have a successful marriage.

I read above that she has the chance to end it, but it has to be withing the 1st trimester, is that true? I had the impression it had to be done with weeks on conception.

For the time being, I'm trying to keep this topic only between me and her. The other man knows, as well. Not going to tell anyone else just yet, until we sort things out. Everything will come out tonight, and we'll see where we stand from there.

Posted By: keepitreal Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 10:17 PM
If you do not want to raise the child, I strongly suggest giving it up for adoption.
It would be cruel to kill an innocent baby die to your wife's terrible choices. There are many, many people who would be delighted to have a healthy newborn to call their own.
Posted By: Verve Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 10:25 PM
Originally Posted by keepitreal
If you do not want to raise the child, I strongly suggest giving it up for adoption.
It would be cruel to kill an innocent baby die to your wife's terrible choices. There are many, many people who would be delighted to have a healthy newborn to call their own.

I agree with that. However, if she does decide to terminate, make sure that it's HER decision. It's a terrible decision to have to make for a woman and, for myself, if I had a man pushing me to do it, I would resent him. If she does decide to keep it, you have to respect that and decide if you can deal with it.

Others may not agree with me, but I feel that it is the woman's choice. She would be the one to live with the fact that she killed her child for the rest of her life.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 10:54 PM
If she wants to keep it, and I believe she does and has made up her mind out it, theres no way she would give it up for adoption or anything like that, so I think now I have to find it in myself to deal with this and raise it like my own, but I don't know how I will be able to handle that, knowing that the person she had an affair with is still in the picture.

(What do all these symbols mean like WW, OC, etc..)
Posted By: Verve Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 11:01 PM
WW = Wayward Wife
OC = Other Child

Here is a link to the list of acronyms and abbreviations smile

Acronyms, Abbreviations
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/01/09 11:03 PM
I have never been able to figure out why a mother couldn't "give up" a child for adoption, but could kill it in the womb.

You are the one who needs to support her decision to keep it if that is her desire, and I hope you find a way to come to terms with that. Personally, I would have a hard time staying with a man who would allow me to abort a child.

The easy way out isn't always the best way. Prayers to you and your family in this hard time.
If you decide to stay in the M, pregnancy and all I advise you to consult a family law attorney immediately. Some states do not allow the interloper (OM) to file paternity unless the H denies paternity. If you decide to raise this child as your own, the OM may have no rights over the child. (please no usual arguments about father's rights from the usual crowd, we have BTDT).

I would also suggest you call out to a poster named pops. He is raising his W's OC and the OM does have contact. On the pregnancy board we have a couple of FWW's that would be willing to talk to you or your WW about their situations. They are raising their OC with their H's as the father. In all these cases, the H was able to overcome their trepidation about raising another man's child.

Take your time. Work on the marriage. Consult an attorney. You do not have to decide today. Find out how long your state allows a married man to deny paternity. In my state it is two years. You have time.
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 01:39 AM
Pushing her to terminate when she doesn't want to is a recipe for disaster. She will hate you for it if she does it.

You have to decide whether or not you're ok with raising another man's child.

Adoption is a perfectly liable alternative.

Otherwise you're in a terrible and tough position.

But be advised that if you don't renounce this child as yours you will be responsible for him till he's 18 and will be paying CS on a child that isn't even yours.

The law will do this to you.

So you have to protect your rights as a father of your current kids and protect yourself from being slammed with 18 years of child support for a child that isn't yours.

It sounds to me like you are two people who were never mature enough to handle marriage. But you're there now. And the consequences of HER choices are now weighing on both of you.

But you have to make a choice. Save your marriage and raise this child as your own. Save your marriage but give up the child for adoption.

Or finally, divorce. Divorce with an arrangement that lets you be a part of your children's lives but that frees you from paying for and raising another man's child.

I personally know I could not raise another man's child if it was the result of cheating.

You know how stressful parenthood is as it is. Now imagine all the challenges of parenthood with a child that isn't yours.

I personally couldn't do it.

But that's a call you're going to have to make and all your choices suck.
Posted By: Verve Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 01:58 AM
Oh, I forgot to ask; are you sure the child is OM's? Could it be yours? I know you said that weeks went by, but you weren't specific, so I thought I would ask. Is there any possibility that it could be your child?
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 02:03 AM
Well yes, is it a possibility it would be mine as in this 4 weeks time, we did have intercourse 2 times, but she is sure it is his, so she says.

Thank you all for the advice. It has changed my outlook on many things, and am considering different options, like raising this child as my own, but we are still in discussion because she is so confused on this. She hasn't said it, but to me it seems like she is having a tough time deciding between a guy she's been with for a month(OM) versus a guy she's been married to for 4 years(me)d I don't understand that. Like I said, she hasn't said that, but thats what it feels like to me.
Posted By: Bryanp Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 02:09 AM
I think you should think long and hard about this. She sounds very immature. She walks out on you and lives with this loser and does not even sense enough to protect herself and now she is pregnant. I don't mean to be a downer but you must consider the possibility that you will get back together again and she will leave you again with another fast talker. The problem is that then you will now be financially responsible for another man's child up to the age of 18. Are you willing to accept this? I wish you luck.
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 02:46 AM
This is the future I forsee for you:

You decide to stay with her. She stays with you out of convenience.

The child is born into your marriage, therefore the child is considered a "child of the marriage" and you are legally responsible for the child.

She get fed up with the responsibilities of being an adult and a parent down the road.

She strays again (as she has several times since you've been married) but this time she really wants out.

You deal with a divorce, separation from your kids, and the burden of paying CS for a child that isn't even yours.

I'd say the odds of this scenario playing itself out are about 90%.

Sorry to be a downer, but your WW sounds like an immature child who is caught in a situation where she has to make a tough choice and choosing you is the safe, short term solution to her problems.

You guys have MUCH to work on together if you hope to survive as a marriage. An OC won't do much to help you guys.

Ask for the advice of others in your shoes and who have lived it. Some men are able to handle raising an OC. Many can't.

But the scenario I see for you is due to her age. She's awfully young and so are you and you have both strayed.

Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 02:54 AM
For the most part, she is a great woman. She's the best mother to our current children. We had our own issues at home, which were alot my fault, but none of them involved me cheating on her. So she ended up leaving and let this fast talker, which he is known for, charm her into things, and thats how all this happend. Yes, there is a possibility it could be mine, but she truthfully believes it is his. Yes, I have great resent for her in letting herselp be so selfish in the time with OM, and even during that time I busted my rear end to help her realize everything and what he would do(cheat on her), and he did end up doing that. All if this in one months time. Did I mention he has another pregnant "girlfriend" right now, I believe she is 5 months along.

I'm willing to raise this child as my own, however, I'm still stuck in a limbo with W and OM. I feel like they should end all commumication and not talk or see eachother during this pregnancy so that me and W can work on us, and prepare for this OC to be born. I believe that he will try to charm her once again, and it will end badly, but I'm not 100% sure on that.

But, yes, she is very immature for her decisions. We have stepped out on each other before, but none of them have been to this extent and out of control as this one.
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 02:58 AM
You really need to let the girlfriend know about this. Then he will most likely drop your wife hard. That would be in the best interest of your marriage.
Originally Posted by Dagger
For the most part, she is a great woman.

Her actions CLEARLY indicate otherwise.

Put yourself in an observer's shoes - would you characterize her choices as those that a great woman would make?

In my view, though it might be hard for you to walk away now, if you don't, you're likely signing yourself up for a lifetime of misery - at least until she walks away from you again.

And the thing about our lives - there's no "back button" to regain the years, if not decades, that you chose to spend with someone who is clearly not relationship material. Once they're gone, they're gone, and you might find yourself at 40+ or 50+ just as miserable as you're feeling now, if not worse, and wishing that you could only get those years back...



Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:01 AM
I never really thought about it that way, but yes, I think I will do that, and see where it goes, but will it cause more problems between W and myself? I have no idea on that one, but OM dropping my W would be the best thing to protect myself.
Posted By: Verve Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:02 AM
I am by no means an expert on this situation, I'm telling you this up front. All I've got in my opinion. I've read some of the threads dealing with an OC and from what I've read, your wife doesn't have to have any contact with the OM AT ALL during her pregnancy. I would suggest you definitely seek those who have been through this, they can help you so much.

Good luck. hug
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:04 AM
Your wife will be furious, so just do it. Don't let her know that you are going to. It will be easier to recover from her anger than ongoing contact with the other man.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:07 AM
Well yes, her actions on this have been poor, without question, but in general she has been good to this family. The first year was both of us stepping out on each other, but from there it has been great. Yes, we havnt been married long and we are both young, but we have had to grow up as adults, and I see her going backwards right now, but hopefully that can be turned back around.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:11 AM
Yes, she doesnt have to be in contact with him period, but he insists on calling her and asking "hows she doing", like he cares or something, and maybe he does, but I think he should concentrate on his current family and stay out of mine.

W is saying that it wouldnt be fair to keep him out of OC life, and I told her right now during this pregnancy OM should have no contact, but I'm not real sure where she stands on that yet, but days time will tell. That is my biggest fear right now, that they will continue to talk and he will continue to "charm".
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:12 AM
You are in a fairly good position - your wife isn't. Her affair partner already has a longtime girlfriend, and one child, and maybe two on the way. YIKES!!!! I hope he makes good money.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:15 AM
He doesn't make good money, I work with him amd I make more than he does in his field. He has one child from another marriage, raising his longtime girlfriends 2 kids, and she is pregnant with their child as we speak, and now my W child. I guess this is karma for him, but I could careless about his feelings or anything in that area.
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:20 AM
"W is saying that it wouldnt be fair to keep him out of OC life"

Oh, please, you're not buying that crap are you? The OM is cheating on his PG longtime girlfriend, your wife may be pregnant from him, he is threatening your family, and it wouldn't "be fair" that he is left out?

Who gives a sh*t about him?

Your wife is still in the wayward frame of mind. What about what is fair to her husband, to her children, to her family, and to the OM's girlfriend and family? Oops, I guess she forgot about everyone else.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:26 AM
I absolutely love this site. My sister mentioned it to me. Yes, I never thought about it that way, and I will persue that. I learn something new by every single new post from everyone, it's just amazing.
Originally Posted by Dagger
Well yes, her actions on this have been poor, without question, but in general she has been good to this family.

Dagger, years ago, I found myself making the same assumptions about my GF at the time that you are making about your WW now. You're thinking that they're basically a good person that made a mistake. I thought so about my GF too back then - we were what I thought was a pretty close couple, but it took only three weeks of studying overseas for her to give up her virginity to someone else (she'd told me that she didn't want to engage in SF until M'd, and I thought she was worth the wait). In fact, I actually found out recently that she had SF with OM1 on the night before returning to me (something she conveniently left out on that first DD so many years ago). She told me that it "didn't mean that she loved me any less", and I, like a fool, thought that she was still a good person, that it "just a mistake, one that she wouldn't make when we were M'd".

Yeah, right.

In truth, it was a foolish mistake on MY part to continue our relationship, and I paid for it with 20+ years of my life that I'm not going to get back, and on top of that I had to go through the agony of knowing that she was scr*wing around with another OM IN OUR HOME for over a year before disclosing same to me, only after he lost interest. With two kids, a mortgage and a long M involved, there is no option open to me that's not painful.

There's no rewind button for life "Dagger". You will NOT get back those years spent with someone that's obviously not worth it. Your WW's actions indicate a very flawed character, one that only SHE can work on. And if there's no sign of that happening, prepare for a life of misery if you choose to stick with her.


Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:36 AM
I cant find a way to contact "pops" through personal message, but I have read his old stories about his situation, and others as well, and its helping me a great deal.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:40 AM
Yes, I agree there is no rewind button. I have made my options and choices clear to her as of now, but she is currently out of town with her family, and in person is a better way to discuss this, and that has to wait until Sunday. But, yes, if she doesnt understand where I'm coming from and the sacrifices I'm making then it will for sure be over. I'm still young, and have alot of years ahead of me, but this marriage, OC, and the possibility of a divorce is too hard to deal with.
Originally Posted by Dagger
I'm still young, and have alot of years ahead of me, but this marriage, OC, and the possibility of a divorce is too hard to deal with.

Yes, it might seem hard, but I can GUARANTEE you that it will feel much, much, MUCH worse if your WW doesn't deal with her issues and ends up straying on you again when you're much more "entangled" and you've given up years of your life to your relationship with her. In the scale of things, the sense of betrayal I felt back at DD#1 wasn't anywhere near the level I felt on DD#2.

Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:51 AM
It is hard. I got married one month exactly after my 18th birthday, and W and our family is the only thing Ive known for. I live in the home we created together, by myself right now, as she is staying with her fathers family. I've never lived on MY OWN before, she was always there to do it with me. Just alot of variables in this situation.
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 04:07 AM
You really need to take your time and think all of this over. There are many repercussions, whatever you decide. And I would tell your parents, her parents, and the OM's girlfriend.

I guarantee he will drop your wife like a hot potato, because he can't AFFORD another child to support. He will scramble like the coward he is to fix things with his girlfriend. And he will stop calling to see how your wife is doing.

Your family needs to know so they can help you get through this. It is a HUGE strain. Her family needs to know so that they can help her get herself together.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 04:44 AM
Her mother and father know. I actually am talking to my sister about it right now, whom has been married for 10 years and recently gone through marriage trials with her husband, but like me, this website created new hope for her, as I believe it will me from all of everyone's responses to this, i greatly appreciate it.

I am not going to tell my mother or father yet, because they are not real supportive, however, my sister is, which is why I kind of turned to her.
Posted By: Verve Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 04:49 AM
I think it's very important that OM's girlfriend knows whats going on. She deserves to know the truth and she deserves to know from someone who will NOT lie to her...which is you. She needs to know what she is in for so she can decide what she wants, just as you are doing now.

I wish you luck.
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 06:42 AM
Dagger,

You're going to get very real and hardcore, raw responses on this site.

There's no sugar coating or romantic notions here about the reality of what you're facing.

She's 20. That is very immature under normal circumstances.

Telling us that she ran around in your first year of marriage, when she was 16, isn't surprising.

16 YO is a child. A 20 yo, is a child. You, my friend, aren't done developing your brain (early 20's for men).

You guys have made some monster decisions and have 2 children now.

She cheated on you early one. Has now cheated again.

She may have been "great" for 3 years, but your standard for "great" is suspect due to your lack of life experience.

Trust me, I had my head up my butt through my 20's. I see now how short sighted I was.

I could have saved myself a lot of pain by not being so short sighted.

That's where you are.

Imagine telling a 12 year old all you know now and you may understand.

Yet the 12 year old isn't going to grasp it. He just hasn't had the life experience.

I forsee a very painful future for you.

But there has to be a way to leave paternity in the hands of the OM if this child isn't yours. You will otherwise be stuck with child support for this child that (likely) isn't yours until they turn 18.

Believe me, it's hard enough when the children are yours and the system really gets you to pay out the nose to support your ex and her lifestyle.

I can't even imagine what I'd feel if the kids I was supporting weren't mine.

You have no easy choices in front of you. Life experience (and this goes against Marriage Building) tells me that your odds of divorce years from now are a near guarantee.

We're all about marital recovery on this site, but some situations look irreperable from the start.

You're in a situation that looks so broken that our life experience tells us you're doomed to divorce years from now if you don't do so soon.

So you can do it now, when you're still young enough to get your life together, protect yourself from paying for a child that isn't yours, and focus on being a dad.

And you should absolutely tell the other girlfriend.

You want to end this affair, and exposing to the gf is a huge step.

Best of luck no matter what you choose.
Dagger,

I've been around this site for a long time. There are many people who have been in your position. Pops is one, RunnerBoy is another going through it now. K is another man who was in your position over 10 years ago. There are some others that have been in your W's position Autumn Day is one.

All would be good to talk with. I don't think K posts here any more. The others might be around after the holidays.

I have read the posts to you and I think you have gotten good advice from all. Let me offer you my personal take on your situation.

First, listen to ManinMotion. Often what he has said is exactly is what happens. And the reason it happens is that WS doesn't learn or change their perspective on life. It is often also true that the BS often doesn't see reality until much later.

People have mentioned your age and their comments are right on. I will tell you with absolute certainty, you will NOT be the man at 30 that you are now. However, what is happening will age you quickly. Your W is very immature as well. These are not good things really, but they are what all of us went through in our lives. In my case I am probaby older than your parents.

Here is what I recommend you concentrate on.

1. Realize that you have 3 months for any decisions about abortion.

2. Nothing you decide NOW will make much difference, your W is still in the affair emotionally if not physically.

3. You will take at least a month and probably 2-3 months to come up with a good plan for moving forward, so take you time and learn as much as you can from this site and Dr. Harley's articles.

4. Take good care of your children and yourself. Often the BS lets their live slide and with children you cannot afford to do that.

5. RELAX, I know this sounds stupid given your situation but you need to be in a relaxed condition to properly fight this thing. You need to be able to pick up signals from your W, yourself, and your kids and you cannot do this when you are tight.

6. Realize that YOU CANNOT CHANGE YOUR w. No matter what you do, you cannot. You can only change yourself, which will influence her thinking but any changes she has to want and decide to make.

7. Given that she had the affair while you thought things were going OK, and she allowed herself to become pregnant as well, suggests that you need to tune up your radar. Do so.

8. You are in a marathon not a sprint, set a comfortable pace, learn all you can, and do more listening than talking. You will be amazed what you will hear and learn. We have heard most of it before. WS seem to read from a script. Come here if you need help interpreting what she is saying.

9.. If you can afford it consider good pro-marriage counseling, it will help you and your W even if you decide to not remain married to her. Please also note that as long as she is in contact with him, the affair will continue to some level or another and thus counseling won't help her much. it will help you.

10. Try to save the marriage. You won't regret it, even if in the end you decide to leave (note that in some states you cannot divorce while the W is pregnant seek legal advice on this NOW). If you try, and you learn, and you develop better communications skills through this huge trial, YOU will be a better man, a better father, and a better husband to your future W. Consider the work as an investment for your children and for your future.

There is soooo much more to say, but I think I have said enough.

hang in there.

God Bless,

JL
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 01:23 PM
Alright. Nothing is set in stone, as of yet, as like I mentioned she will not be back in town until Sunday, and then we will have more solid discussion behind all of this when we talk face to face.

My stand point right now is this. I am going to contact a family law lawyer, and get things going with one of them before I make an official decision, but right now I will take this child in as my own, and hopefully continue our family that we had started, however, like some of you have said and I believe that she is very immature right now which is leaving her in a limbo. The biggest thing I WILL stand my ground on is that she nor talk or see OM in ANY WAY what so ever. If she cannot do that, then this will be a done deal.

With all of this going on and being pregnant, it causes emotions and thinkings to go crazy, as I'm sure some of you females out there would know. Just from reading everyone's responses and concepts on the website itself, I've learned a whole great deal and to be quite honest I wish I would have known about this site years ago, as if that was the case I don't think either of us would be in this position from the jump.

I cannot afford a counselor on here, as of right now, but I do believe if everything pans out smoothly that we will attend Dr. Harley's March seminar in Minneapolis, MN so that she can see first hand what marriage is all about. Now, I know it's more of an actually doing it than hearing it from someone else, but I believe once she has a better understanding of this all, she will realize what life is and what she has to do. Like I said, I thought we were great for the last short 3 years, but I had no idea about marriage and the possibilities until I started here.
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 01:42 PM
Originally Posted by Dagger
With all of this going on and being pregnant, it causes emotions and thinkings to go crazy, as I'm sure some of you females out there would know....

Now, I know it's more of an actually doing it than hearing it from someone else, but I believe once she has a better understanding of this all, she will realize what life is and what she has to do.

A few thoughts for you:

Being pregnant doesn't give you license to be an idiot. Yes, the hormones can cause a little whackiness in the emotions, but they are anomolies and not the norm.

Second, your idea that if she "hears it from someone else" shows that you don't quite understand what you're being told. No one can influence, change, or say the things which will make her suddenly think differently.

You can't count on the fact that she will "realize" anything.

Your actions at this point have to be dictated by what is, not what you want things to be.

What "is" is that your WW is pregnant and likely pregnant with another man's child.

You're young and have to decide if you want to raise another man's child on top of staying with a woman who is a repeat cheater.

That is what "is".

3 years of "good" isn't long. And the odds are high she hasn't seen things as "good" for a while. Hence her cheating.

Then again, her age doesn't let her see what is good and what isn't. She might have fantasy images of what marriage is. The reality is very different.

So let go of any notion that some third party will help her realize anything. They won't.

The realizations come on their own and in their own time. All you can do is help expedite this by making the fantasy crumble and it starts with exposure.
Dagger,

You are VERY young and inexperienced ... I KNOW because I was basically where you find yourself right now 25 years ago and it didn't turn out well and neither will your situation.

LISTEN to what ManInMotion told you ... it is the TRUTH and a glimpse into what your future WILL be.

You are both very young, there has been multiple adulteries on both sides, and now your WW is pregnant with OM's child ... what you refer to as a M has absolutely ZERO chance of long term success ... it just doesn't work that way. A successful M is tough under good circumstances, and damn near impossible under these.

It took me 15 years to climb out of the emotional and financial hole I had dug for myself with my poor decisions in my early 20's. If you have any type of relationship at all with your father, seek out his WISDOM on this before you make any long term decisions. If I had done this one simple thing, instead on "THINKING" that I knew what I was doing, I would have saved myself a ton of grief.

You will find that conventional wisdom (from hard earned experience) here is that multiple A's or an OC are deal breakers for MOST BH's and you are looking at BOTH without the benefit of maturity and the wisdom it brings. PLEASE don't even consider attempting the impossible.
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 02:25 PM
Originally Posted by Dagger
I cant find a way to contact "pops" through personal message, but I have read his old stories about his situation, and others as well, and its helping me a great deal.

I know pops. I will holler to him on another site for you.

(((Dagger)))

Truthfully, does your ww really BELIEVE that OM is a GOOD father?

(where's the puking smiley?...ah... puke)

Men (and women) that traipse OPs in and out of children's lives CREATE other men and women who cheat on anyone and everyone.

sick

Seen it happen and it ain't purdy.

I wouldn't wish a parent like that on ANYONE.
I put a call out to pops and Autumn Day on the pregnancy board. Unfortunately, our other site is down and no other way to contact pops. Hopefully he will check in. In the meantime, you are getting good advice to think things through but remember once you know the laws in your state you can relax and take your time deciding what you want to do. In the meantime, your WW needs to go NC with OM.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:39 PM
Thank you all, once again!

I dont know her TRUE feeling about the OM as a father, but I can tell you from the blue print he has made in his life, he is a piece of sh*t. Not to mention, He has spent plenty of time in prison for drugs, but has put that behind him. Not saying that because he is ruining this, as is my W, but because of his track record.

Thank you all for trying to contact pops for me, I think he will help me out immensely!
Originally Posted by Dagger
I am not going to tell my mother or father yet, because they are not real supportive, however, my sister is, which is why I kind of turned to her.

Dagger,

A sign of maturity is seeking input from different perspectives. You seem intent on ONLY considering advice from those that AGREE with you.

Are you even considering anything that pom, ManInMotion and I have posted to you ... we have all BTDT yanno!!!

PLEASE TALK TO YOUR FATHER!!!
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 03:57 PM
Dag,

Is there any way you guys could move away from the OM?

If you decide to stay with your ww, I don't think he should be in your lives AT ALL. The man is poison walking around in pants!

I wouldn't want him near my TURTLE, much less a child.

Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 04:06 PM
I have seeked help from a few male adults who have been through mistrials of marriage. My father alone has been through 4 divorce's, but I don't have any intention on taking that route. Yes, I am considering what others are saying that I don't want to happen, but I am taking this all in to look at everything more clearly to protect myself.

Dealan- I have made it clear to her that if we were to continue on with eachother, he will not be in her life what so ever! That is one point I will stand my ground on. And yes, we may move away to another city or state to have a fresh start, but that is all still up in the air.

One of the main things is before all this happened, I was selfish and not a good person to her. I didn't cheat on her by any means, but emotionally and such. So that is where the OM came in, but that is no excuse to be make the choices like she has been in this. She afraid to be hurt again by me, which I can understand, but NOW I'm afraid of the same thing, so I have to protect myself to the full extent, as well.

I understand I'm young, and have many things to learn. I've seeked help from male's who have been in divorce and mistrials. I guess it all just takes time, but to me her decisions need to be made so I can either leave this, or continue on.
Originally Posted by Dagger
I have seeked help from a few male adults who have been through mistrials of marriage. My father alone has been through 4 divorce's, but I don't have any intention on taking that route.

I kind of thought you had already made up your mind ... MARRIAGE AT ALL COSTS ... you KNOW what you're doing.

I did too (at your age) ... you see, I have the advantage in that I've now lived long enough to realize that I don't know shi!t about things that I've never personally experienced.

That's why when I first suspected by W of having an A, I went to work seeking knowledge from many sources ... one of those sources led me here ... and I learned from those who have travelled this path before me how to snoop to gleen the information I would need to find out the truth, and then how others reacted initially and further along in recovery. Obviously, none of us can act on every bit of advice that comes our way, but you evaluate the advice on whether or not it would work in your situation and with your personality.

I see where your father has been around the marital block a time or two ... so have I ... let me ask you a question about your father. Has your father learned from his relationship mistakes or does he keep making the same ones over and over again? BTW, you can learn a lot from BOTH scenarios.

One thing I've learned is that I'm more than capable of making new mistakes, but I try to learn from them and not make the same mistakes again. I tend to define people NOT by the mistakes they've made, but by how they react and move on from those mistakes.

Your father may or may not be a good resource, but my guess is the reason he is "not supportive" (as you put it) is because he sees through your WW's BULLSHI!T and sees her for what she truly is, NOT what you "wish" she was. Somewhere in his experiences, he has probably come across a woman who was just as selfish and self-absorbed as your WW and has learned through hard earned experience that not all M's are worth saving and not all W's are worth having.

In 10-20 years you will look back on this time as a true life changing point. Considering that you only get one shot at this life, I don't think it is wise to be disregarding the WISDOM that EXPERIENCE provides, because you can never get back the time that was WASTED from bad decisions ... "This message is brought to you by the VOICE OF EXPERIENCE."
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 05:11 PM
Thank You!

Me and my father aren't really close. As a child we were, but he has since been a truck driver around the U.S. so I dont get to see nor talk to him much. He doesn't know the full extent of the marriage through out the years because it's hard to stay in contact with him. Which is why Ive turned to other older males with experiences. I'm not sure that my father learned from his mistakes, as he's a pretty hard headed person and changing his own ways nearly never happen.
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 05:32 PM
I must caution you from someone that has decided on staying with their former cheater...if your wife decides on contact with this man and you knowingly stay...you are in for a heckuva rollercoaster ride.

Very few OPs have the child's best interest at heart.

It is hard a h-e-double-hockey sticks to see them STILL playing games with the children YEARS down the road.

Take the kind of person HE is into consideration if you cannot sway your wife into going NC with the dna donor.

It is a hard and long row to hoe.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/02/09 11:22 PM
Yeah, and thank you. There's just alot of variables for myself to figure out and for her to come to truths with. We will be able to sit down Sunday night and talk about it all. Until then nothing is certain, but I have my worries. We're calling each other and talking through that and I'm trying to explain to her how is really is. One month of time is nothing compared to 5 years of being together. She was on the verge of working it out, then she found out she was pregnant, then she started to push me away more because of it, and now she's just lost with so many things to think about, but by no means am I letting my own guard down just to work this out. I have my own limits, as well. Just have to see what happens on Sunday! crazy
Posted By: tigger4jdt Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 12:19 AM
Dagger,

As I see it, you have 3 choices, and only 3. First one that ALWAYS comes to mind is divorce. Of course, if you love your WW as you say you do, that's not in the running. Second is to stay in the M and raise this baby as if it were your own. Third is to stay in the M and have OM pay CS but then you also open up the door to constant contact due to visitation and such.

Here's how our sitch has turned out so far, I had OC almost 8 years ago, we never told xom as he was literally psycho, that I was even P, and so never have done DNA and DH had full decision making as to what we were going to do.

Our little Abbi will be 8 in March and is the apple of Daddy's eyes. Occasionally we have twinges of "what if", but are totally happy with our decision. It's taken work every day as will what ever your choice will be.

You are both SO young, no matter how much you say you've grown as adults, your WW's actions are proving otherwise. It doesn't just take raising a child to help you mature, you have to act like the adult as well. Your WW is being a totally selfish brat. She's not seeing what her actions are doing to not only you and your M but your sons too! She needs a 2 X 4 upside her head which could just be you telling OM's pregnant GF what's been going on. So what if it pisses off your WW, she will need to face it at some point. Also, notifying her family and your work what is happening will open those eyes too. If she really does want to work on your M, she will see that you were right to expose and change her ways.

Just as someone else recently said, DO NOT TELL HER OF YOUR INTENTIONS OF EXPOSURE!

Good Luck!

Tigger
Posted By: pops Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 12:27 AM
posted by pomdbd"""""""""'I had my head up my butt through my 20's. I see now how short sighted I was.""""""""

when one has their head in this position it is easy to be short sighted. it's really dark in there.

sorry i couldn't resist

dagger my man,,, you have recieved some pretty sound advice from a lot of very good people. bet it feels good to know you are not alone in this wacky situation.

i will 2nd the ideas of slow down and calm yourself so you can make sensible decisions, set up a consultation with the best family attorney you can find and outing the whole situation to om's pg gf.

the 1st thing i think you need to do is ask yourself one very important question. do you "love" your w? and what are the real reasons you want to save your marriage?

ok 2 questions

at 1st glance they may seem like easy answers. but "oh contrare mon frare". (ok so i spelled that whole thing wrong, so shoot me) from your own posts i see several reasons why you may want this marriage to succeed.

1st - you said you have never lived on your own. you may have an inner fear at your age of doing this.

after my w's A i had the same fear of being alone after all those years of M.

2nd - since you are so young and have been with your w virtually since you left school (and probably longer) you may just be having that feeling of dependency rather then true love.

3rd - although i know a lot has been thrown at you in the last couple of days you seem to be still in the totally confused state of mind. you have no idea what to do, then i am willing to raise this child as my own, then nc is the deal breaker, then you don't know what to do, to i think i will do that (expose to om gf)

once you can answer those 2 questions then you can start making a plan for recovery.

you can always end a marriage and protect yourself from legal financial obligations to the oc, so don't make any hasty choices right away that will be a thorn in your butt for years to come

i must admit i found it quite a chuckle when you said you were turning to your 4 time divorced father for advice. no disrespect meant. just that he surely has had a lot of experience in the marriage arena and may have seen many many different female personalities. but has he learned how to recognize the good ones?

again no disrespect meant.

i do think you have the right idea of waiting until you and your w can sit down face to face and discuss this. just make sure you get as many facts (legal) and as much knowledge (from this site) as you can before

another thing that may be useful is if you can get your w to post here.

i hope i can help in some way.
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 12:29 AM
I agree - the idea of keeping the OM in the picture at all is a bad one. It might be different if he had no children, but this coming child is 3rd in line for any support. And his girlfriend with whom he is living has 2. In my mind, the child support would be so little it is not even worth any contact at all.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 12:47 AM
POPS! Man I've been waiting for you, you have no idea lol.

OK... I didnt turn to my own father for advice. I actually turned to W father, who is a great man, and he usually sides with her on alot of things, but in this situation he has openly admitted to me several times that she is messing up bad. I havnt spoke to him about the OC just yet, he has his own issues to deal with, but I will very soon.

Yes, I honestly do believe I love her. We have gone through many mistrials, both equally stepped out on each other in the past. After coming to this site, I realized alot more about marriage in general, than I ever thought I could, and I've only been on here for 3 days, so I'm sure alot more good will come of it.

Yes, I do have some fear of living on my own, but I don't think I need her to survive. I want her here with me, to do with this with me, do to this family right, and accept this new addition. Not because I feel like I need her here to pay the bills or anything like that, I already pay all the bills to begin with.

I have contemplated divorce, several times. The one thing I will stand my ground on is that if she cannot end all contact with OM, then I will file for a divorce. I cannot have him in the picture in any way. Yes, fearing he will "charm" her once again and relive this nightmare, but also for the sake of this OC. Like someone said, he has poison walking around in his pants. He's a complete loser. I'm trying to get OM gf contact info so I can expose to her what is. Some of are saying its not my place that OM needs to tell gf, but the way I look at it is it wasn't his place to step in on my marriage when he knowingly knew who my wife was and that we were married. Honestly, I could careless what he feels or anything, as I have that right.

I have told my W about this site. She will be taking a look at it with me, and hopefully after that she will continue to do so, and talk to many of you for advice like I have. I firmly believe if she does that, she will see alot more good with our marriage than with anyone else, but its all in action of her, so we will see.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 12:54 AM
tigger- I've made it perfectly clear to her that I would make this marriage work and raise this baby on my own, as if it were my own, but OM cannot be in the picture, period. She doesn't think its right to do that to him, to erase him out of his kids life, in some ways I understand that, but from my point of view... he has a pregnant girlfriend at home that he could careless about! What makes my W any different? My W does have her head up her butt in this one, and not sure if it will come out in time.

When I mention how this all is affecting our kids, she gets all p*ssed off because I'm trying to tell her what to do.
Dagger,

AGain, I will remind you that you will learn much more if you do very little talking and a great deal of listening. Women cannot stand silence, and if you are quiet, she will start talking. You listen and you listen very carefully. Ask a question if something said doesn't sound right and then go back to quiet.

One of the largest love busters and certainly the most deadly to a marriage is the disrespectful judgement, DJ for short. It is an assumption about what the other person did/thought/said without data to support it. What makes it deadly is people make an assumption and then take actions.
"I didn't think he loved me so I went out with ****" YOu get the picture.

You will make many fewer DJ's if you listen a lot, and talk less. I know I know the advice is for us guys to speak up, spill our guts, show out emotions, etc. The reality is that women don't like us to show our emotions, unless they are harmless such as crying at a sad movie. Anger, fear, frustration are all emotions and they don't want to see them.

IF she asks you something you answer her honestly. But for the most point you need to hear her point of view. You need to evaluate this point of view. Because if it does not change, the the advice MIM, MyRev and others have is dead on...get out.

You need to see growth, you need to see her accepting responsibility, you need to see her finally care what you think and feel, you need her to see the emotional effort it will take for you to rear another mans child. You need her to ask, and inquire, you don't just jam it down her throat.

If her perspectives on marriage and her boundaries don't change and a clear clue will be seen in the following example
Quote
Dagger I am really sorry for hurting you and our marriage, BUT...

That BUT/HOWEVER just negated everything she said before. It negates everything you said before it. "Yes But..." is a disagreement. If you hear these things, she has not changed.

I told you before what you will need to see from her, and that is a plan to protect you, your children, and your marriage, a plan with action items, ways to check things, ways to detect problems and improve them, ways to effectively communicate, and ways to evaluate how everything is going.

Pops, Tigger, and Kimmy are really good resources for your choices.

You say you love your W. I wonder if you do. You see love is action, it things you do, it is things you say, it is care given. It is NOT A FEELING. If you just FEEL like you are in love, then you are in infactuation, not in love. I would say from what you have said there has been precious little love in your marriage,although I am sure there has been desire, and feelings from time to time. Marrying someone you have "feelings" for is a huge mistake. You marry someone you are willing to love as in the verb to love.

Take your time, gather legal advice, and listen, listen, listen, and then occasionally speak. Be honest, but avoid the dreaded DJ.

God Bless,

JL
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 02:30 AM
Alright. That I will do when she comes over and can talk face to face on Sunday. I guess I get pretty upset about alot of things between W and OM because she has been so dishonest about everything, and when it comes to light, its everything that I did assume and I get mad because she doesn't see the same picture as I do, and that is probably selfishness on my part. She also has said me getting worked up like that, in return makes her get worked up and then results in her not wanting to talk to me. That tells me that she isn't willing to understand my side of it and only wants to understand her own, I may or may not be wrong, that's a question to some of you. I know I need to relax, but how can I when I know what has happend in the last month?

I think I have to relax and listen, but i dont know how because of the dishonesty in the last month. On Sunday though, when we're face to face I will let her speak for the most part, which is actually the best thing because I don't understand her actions or her thinkings.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 02:34 AM
Another question is this...

I asked her to check this place out and She has said on Sunday she will be coming onto this forum. Should I have her read this whole topic and reply to it on this topic, or should she start her own? Either way, I want her to read this topic, but I also think she should send her true feeling out in her own way on here like I have done.
The usual advice given is that spouses should start and stick to their own threads.

However, I wouldn't be so quick to invite her here. Depending on your choice of action, she could use what you write here against you.

BTW, from the comments you made in your previous post, I'm more convinced than ever that you'll be making a huge mistake trying to stay M'd to her. It's plainly obvious that she's only really interested in herself, her feelings and her needs, and that's likely not going to change.
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 02:42 AM
JL has it exactly right. Just listen to what she says Sunday. You will find out a lot.

I would not have her come here Sunday. Wait for that. And when she does come, she needs to have her own thread.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 03:05 AM
I dont think there is anything I've said here that she could hold against me that I havnt already told her.

Egh! I'm just so worked up in every way about this and i DO need to relax, it's just tough.

And yes, I will listen to what she has to say on Sunday, rather than tell her everything I already have 100x more
Posted By: pops Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 03:11 AM
""""Alright. That I will do when she comes over and can talk face to face on Sunday. I guess I get pretty upset about alot of things between W and OM because she has been so dishonest about everything, and when it comes to light, its everything that I did assume and I get mad because she doesn't see the same picture as I do, and that is probably selfishness on my part. She also has said me getting worked up like that, in return makes her get worked up and then results in her not wanting to talk to me. That tells me that she isn't willing to understand my side of it and only wants to understand her own, I may or may not be wrong, that's a question to some of you. I know I need to relax, but how can I when I know what has happend in the last month?

I think I have to relax and listen, but i dont know how because of the dishonesty in the last month. On Sunday though, when we're face to face I will let her speak for the most part, which is actually the best thing because I don't understand her actions or her thinkings. """""""""""""""''


PLEASE reread what you wrote here. This is exactly the problem with youth. she tells ou something, you get angry, say something out of haste and she replies the same way and the arguement is on. nothing ever gets accomplished.

dude,, you said multiple times in this post and in others that you BOTH HAVE stepped out of the marriage. you BOTH have created this mess and you thinking you can now lay down th elaw and fix it will never work.

now you want to point the finger at her like she is thismajor sinner. reread your own words on this. what kind of marriage have you both practiced for the last 4 years? what boundaries have either of you set for each other?

you both cheat on each other many times and now that "you" feel "you" have turned the corner "you" are upset that she is still living the same life that you (the 2 of you) have established throughout your entire marriage.

and the big deal (not that it isn't) here is that she is pg. all the past cheating from each of you is supposed to be put aside because she is pg.

dagger listen to this very carefully. YOUR MARRIAGE HAS SOME SERIOOUS PROBLEMS AND THE PREG IS NOT THE BIGGEST OF THEM.

you need to listen to what her thoughts on tis and listen close. and keep your mouth zipped unless you need some clarity on an occasional point

also stop trying to tell her what a piece of trash the om is. all that will do is push her closer to him. she doesn't care about your opinion of him anyway. she has to see the real him and you can't show it to her.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 04:01 AM
You are right, I guess I cannot magicly fix it knowing our past. I do realize that me talkin about OM drives her away more, but I just feel like she isnt seeing it, and she isn't, and if I dont show her she won't find out in time and our marriage will be over by the time she does realize that. I feel that in every aspect of this situation, that I need to show her whats real and what fake. It's probably wrong because no matter what I say, she will have her own decision about it. I will stop talking about OM and focus more on our marriage, which is more important than OM. I guess that is probably one of my main problems is talking to her about OM.

I guess as of right now, I don't see this ending good. Choices she's making, things that are happening. Yes, she isn't to fully blame as we have a past full of disgrace.

And yes I am young, thats why I am turning to you older "folks" for advice smile
"OLDER FOLKS?????"" I resemble that remark. I'll have you know Pops is at least a decade younger than I. smile

Dagger you said
Quote
guess I cannot magicly fix it knowing our past. I do realize that me talkin about OM drives her away more, but I just feel like she isnt seeing it, and she isn't, and if I dont show her she won't find out in time and our marriage will be over by the time she does realize that. I feel that in every aspect of this situation, that I need to show her whats real and what fake. It's probably wrong because no matter what I say, she will have her own decision about it. I will stop talking about OM and focus more on our marriage, which is more important than OM. I guess that is probably one of my main problems is talking to her about OM.

You just confirmed what Pops said. Further, step back and reread this. Let me tell you this and in this I AM SURE I AM RIGHT. You don't want to be married to a woman that YOU have show how to live. No woman wants to be married to a man she has to show how to live. That is exactly the point of you listening. Until her perspective changes, there is no reason to remain married.

You are right she may not see it in time, that does happen. But you cannot "SHOW" her anything. You can simply be the best man and father you can be. YOu "show" her by your actions that you are growing into the man a woman wants and needs. You show her by your actions your love.

Let me tell you something that is obvious to all of us. You are not unique, when we were your age we thought pretty much like you do. This will change. But, consider this, when you two married and you said your vows who did you promise to love/honor/cherish/ and be faithful too?? Your thought it was your W right? Well you are wrong. You made the promise to yourself. You promised yourself you would protect her, love her, be faithful to her. After all only you could make sure you kept your promise.

Now listen to this carefully. YOu promised to love her in sickness and in health, etc. Do you know the love you promised??? It was not that you promised to "feel in love with her" through all of this. It was that you would always act loving toward her. No one can promise what their feelings will be a week from now, a year, a decade, many decades. But we can promise to take actions and that is why the love you promised is/was an action.

Until she takes responsibilities for her promises, her failings, how she sees things, you have no hope of having a good marriage. That is why we are telling you to listen and not talk. This is not a debate, this is a process and the purpose of this site and marriage building is to offer a processs that allows people to see hope, and see the merits in changing their perspectives. However, YOU cannot change your W, you cannot argue her into being who she doesn't want to be, you cannot out "logic" a wayward spouse. She has to do those things to herself.

All you can be is the best you can be, and that means learning, listening, and changing your own perspective on things.

Dagger, I cannot tell you whether or not your marriage will survive, I cannot tell you if it should survive. I do know you will be happier, your children will be happier, if you give things a chance and you do the work on yourself that this site recommends. You cannot be your W's conscience, you just cannot do that. So the need to talk is really minimal. What you say to her about her actions, about OM, don't matter. You can only speak with authority about yourself. And until she asks, anything you will say will fall on deaf ears.

God Bless,

JL
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 01:49 PM
A lot of words have been written on this thread. Things are being made way to complicated.

If you want to recover your marriage that's good.

If you don't want to recover your marriage that's good.

If you can raise the OC as your own that's good.

If you can't raise the OC then WW will have to give up the OC or you will have to divorce.

If you want and must have total NC with the OM and WW does not you need to divorce.

If the OM won't give up custody, and or the WW won't keep him out of the OC's life, and you must have NC for the WW, OC, and you. You will have to divorce WW.

If you chose to ignore any deal breakers they will come only to bite you in the butt for the rest of your marriage.

Posted By: pops Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 02:09 PM
you may be right on the age JL but i bet your golf score is a good decade or "more under mine. faint

Dagger again i will use your words. """"""""""I do realize that me talkin about OM drives her away more, but I just feel like she isnt seeing it, and she isn't, and if I dont show her she won't find out in time and our marriage will be over by the time she does realize that""""""""'''

so what are your choices here? you drive her away with your mouth or she takes herself away with her choices.

either way she is gone.

NOW IT DOESN"T HAVE TO BE THIS WAY. let me give you an exampple from my own disfunctional past

when my w had her A it was partially due to the way "I" was in our marriage. NO her choice of infidelity was NOT my fault. what was my fault was that "I" did not protect my marriage by doing all i could to meet my w's EN (emotional needs).

this gave my w (as with most waywards) the excuse/need to seek those EN's elsewhere. whether consciously or not.

then once i had realized the slippery slope she was walking on just prior to her A turning physical, i started telling her of the om's weakness's. whining to her like a lost puppy of why, how could you throw "all this" ( confused, all what) away, blah blah blah.

i was showing her that i was weak and that is not the man she had fallen in love with. i was actually driving her away by trying to tie her closer to me.

so i started backing off. stopped talking to her about om. when she would tell me things that he did to upset her her i just shrugged my shoulders with indifference.

i stopped begging her to stay. letting her know that she had to make her own choices as to our future.

i started doing fun things with our kids. she was always invited but never expected to join us. i started going to events with our friends, playing cards, beach, sporting events, bar-b-q's, etc.

again although it hurt i showed her indifference when she didn't come along.

once she realized that she was free to go she also realized that i had turned back into the man she originally fell in love with.

now this didn't happen over night or in a week. it took some time. i would say in our case about 6 weeks or so for her to "start" understanding that i was allowing "her" to make her own choice as to which life she wanted to live and where. with me or without me.

hope this helps you understand where i think we are trying to lead you.

and hey it took me a long time to get this age, don't expect me to change overnight. smile



Posted By: pops Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 02:26 PM
theroad my good man. you are completely right.

what i and others (i think) are trying to help dagger with is give him some tools so he can try and recover his marriage.

from what he says he wants to attempt to save it. he is very confused and needs to learn some very basic facts, techniques, battle formations if you will, to give it a go.

otherwise it is sure to fail.

sure if any of the scenerios you laid out come about and his marriage fails then it fails.

but if he feels he wants to save it, and doesn't make an effort and it fails he may regret that the rest of his life.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/03/09 04:17 PM
I am weak. From everything thst was said from your posts after my last one, just proved that. I'm doing all the WRONG things. I'm trying to show her what to do, I'm talking about things that dont really matter to her.

JL - Your words put alot of real thoughts in me about what marriage really is.

Pops- That is similiar to my story, and I need to change my @$$ around and do what you did... do things for me and my kids, and hopefully in time she will see, I just dont in time that she see's, it wont be too late.

Man, I've been going about all of this very wrong with her from the start, and I think if I were to have done them right from the beginning we would have already made progress.

Thank You all... frown
Dagger,

Just a little reminder and heads up. Do you see my user name. I picked it because when I came here in my 50's I realized I had a lot to learn, and to this day I am "just learning" many things.

The fact that you didn't see or know these things is not a surprise. Most people don't. It is a matter of acquiring knowledge. You are in that mode, keep learning, and you will never regret it. No matter how things with your W turn out, you will be a better father, a better man, a better friend, and a better husband for what you are learning. Odd that it takes something a traumatic as an affair and pregnancy for this to happen, but here again you have lots and lots of company.

Your job is to grow and learn and you do that best by listening and asking well focussed questions. It is true here, it is true in your marriage, it is true in your job, and it is even true when you are helping other people.

Hang in there.

God Bless,

JL
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/04/09 07:11 PM
JL- This site and you people have given alot of knowledge that I never thought of, and just like you, I'll learn and hopefully good comes out of it. I do think I'll be a better father, and person in general once I can get the full outlook of things, but thats why I came here. Yes, I do have alot to learn, as does she. I just hope everything can be restored.
Posted By: TheRoad Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/04/09 08:20 PM
Not against any one trying to recover. Just him to realize that if there are things that are truly non negotiable. Then he needs to hold his ground on those things he can not swallow.

There has to be a give and take. Though trade offs can not be done without concern as to their costs. Short term and long term.

I want for him to want what ever he want's.

Though that he takes the time to think things through. For his mental state is not the best for him to make long term decisions.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/04/09 08:32 PM
I would let the OM take it from here. Let HIM take care of your wife and thier unborn child.

She is not to be trusted again. Ever. Unless you want to continue in a lifetime of heartache.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/04/09 09:05 PM
Wait Wait... Isn't that what this place is alot about? Over coming marriage hardships, issues, etc..? Sure, people can only change themselves, but with the right knowledge anyone can switch it up on any given time or day. I'm not saying in this particular situation, because honestly I don't know her TRUE intentions or the real reasoning behind this mess yet.

There's just so many things to be talked about and I'm trying to learn on here how to control situations. She'll say something and I'll bring a valid point across and she gets histerical and turns it into a fight! It seems like any truthful point I bring up she don't want to discuss nor hear about it. Yes, I've learned I can't force anything on her otherwise it'll drive her away even more, but whats a guy suppose to do you know?

I know I need to let things go so she'll realize things on her own, but my main issue is time and our kids. People say I have time, but do I really? How long should I let this go on and leave it be, or should I just come to realization that she does want out of the marriage and there's nothing I can do? Yes, all of that is something I need to find truth with in myself, its just a struggle no matter which way I look at it.

Like I've been saying, today is the day we're going to sit down and talk tonight, but at this point I just don't see anything REAL coming from her to work with or to even have an idea on.
Posted By: pops Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/04/09 09:36 PM
i know that it is hard for you to envision life without your w in it.

keep learning from tis site and you will indeed become a better person, father and mate. whether it is to your present w or someone else.

i also know it is hard but you still need to refocus your main attention on YOURSELF.

stop worrying about things working out with your w. it detracts from the most important subject in this whole situation. you being a stable and healthy father to your kids. they need to see you as a strong loving father.

if your w decides she wants out then it is better for you anyway.

you deserve a loving caring w.

you are young and have plenty of life ahead of you

keep your head up, look to a positive future for YOU and your kids.
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/04/09 10:19 PM
Remember what JL said - do a lot of listening. There is no need to make any decisions tonight. Don't LB her or get into any arguments. Let her do the talking, and then report back here what she says.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 12:19 AM
Well... I'm not sure there is much to report. W was suppose to come over at noon so I could see the kids who I was phsyically unable to see in the last week and so me and her could talk about all of this and such. Her father had to work, so she had to watch his kids, understandable. Then she was suppose to come over a little after 4:00PM and didn't come so I called and hour later. She had said our youngest had just woken up from a nap and W, OM, and her father were playing guitar hero when I called. I lost it. She knew I've been waiting for this day for a week now. We've talked about it several times. I lost it and asked her Why doesn't she think about someone other than herself for once, and she replied with "Now you want to think about someone other than yourself huh?" Yes, like I've said, I hurt her emotionally in all sorts of ways, which led to her leaving in the first place, and now I've stepped back and seen the bigger picture and realized how truely wrong I was for that.
Yes, the marriage has been tarnished by both of us. Everything she tried several times to change me, is what I am doing now to help change present time.

I think it's over. I honestly think that this is over... frown
Posted By: Stellakat Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 12:58 AM
She was with the other man????

Also preggers with the other man's baby?

Wow. It is beyond words how selfish and insane and hostile this woman is. I fear for any innocent children that have to be raised by that ..er...ah....woman.

I am sorry you ever met, married or had kids with her. Now you will have to pay and pay. But if you divorce at least you wont have to pay by being around her cheating, hostile, selfish, self.
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 01:55 AM
Have you exposed the affair to the OM's girlfriend? I think you need to do that. This guy is attacking your family, and you are sitting back, doing nothing, and waiting for your wife to "understand" the error of her ways.

Your wife is disrespecting you by not coming over to talk and being with the OM.

She has no future with him, but she doesn't see that.

Get a plan and start fighting for your family.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 02:47 AM
Alright. I let OM girlfriend know that OM has something to tell her and not to back down until he does, if fails, then I will let her know what is happening.

I didn't want to tell OM gf because it will cause more drama for me, however, you're right I do need to protect myself.
Man!!! Her Father was playing Guitar Hero with the OM? What a role model he must have been for her!!! I think you got your answer on how things will go.
Posted By: believer Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 03:11 AM
My dear, are you READING and UNDERSTANDING what everyone is saying here? I know you are stressed and upset, but letting the OM tell his girlfriend what is going on is a HUGE mistake. He will tell her that you are a nutcase, completely out of your mind and very paranoid, and that you think that there is something going on between your wife and OM. This is called damage controll.

So his girlfriend will think that you are crazy, and meanwhile he will continue assaulting your family.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 03:37 AM
No. Me and OM Girlfriend used to be friends, but have since stopped talking for about 2 years now, so we're somewhat familiar with eachother, its not like I've never met her or anything like that.

Myself, OM, and W father work at the same place. However, W father was never in his daughters life until about 4 or 5 years ago, so I think he feels like he has to follow whatever it is she wants, but that is still no excuse as a person. W step father who raised her, her whole life is absolutely disgusted over all of this.
Posted By: Verve Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 03:47 AM
I don't understand why you want to let OM tell his girlfriend about what is going on. Just straight up tell her yourself. Wouldn't you want someone to do that for you? There is no telling what OM is going to say to her, so it's best that she knows the truth as soon as possible. It's going to be hurtful and devastating to her, also. Please, just be honest with her and tell her.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 04:09 AM
Tell OM girlfriend, bring her a picture of your wife, pregnant with his baby, give all the wwwifes contact information to the girlfriend and leave it for a day or so and see what happens. I am not saying you should take your wife back. But at least it would give the affair a snowballs chance at ending if you told the girlfriend.

Hey maybe the OM, your wife, and the girlfriend can all live together and raise the OM'as baby when it is born. The wifes dad can help with finances. She could care less for you, man.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 04:54 AM
Alright.. I did end up telling OM girlfiend. She heard what I had to say, she said "WHAT!" and that was the end of the conversation.

W came over tonight. Over all... She really had nothing to say except she see's no changes happening and that we can never find a middle ground on anything, which had not been fully true until this affair started. In ending she said that right now is not the right time to work on our marriage. Divorce to me is if you do, do it... that means the end for life, there's no looking back. I mentioned divorce to her and she hesitated and said she dont know about that because we would never happen again if we were to get a divorce. I stated that I cannot sit around and still be married to someone who is with OM forever. Our kids were here and getting a little cranky, so the conversation ended exactly like that.

So... I guess this is it... thank you all for trying to help me out in everything you said. I still have alot to learn, but hopefully in time I will recover from this.

Thank You, John P.
Posted By: pops Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 10:16 AM
JP don't just disappear.

even if you end up getting divorced there are many people here who can give you valuable info, a forum just for that, and plenty of info on just dealing with the kids after divorce. plus all the stuff to help you learn and grow for your next relationship. and YES there will be another if this one ends.

what you need to do now is get the ball rolling so that YOUR kids will have a good roll model in their life. obvioously your w is not one, nor her father ,nor the om.

sitting around playing guitar hero may sound like fun and good times but what about the true things those kids need in life. now is the time to be proactive in taking control of their future
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 01:33 PM
I underatand. I know my kids need everything that I can offer, and more as I learn the more ways and values of life.

I went to work this morning just a wreck, parked my car, and ended up leaving. I went to my W place she is staying with her fathers family. Everyone was still sleeping, so I let myself in so I could talk to her and see my kids. She's been the only person I've been close to for 5 years. I don't have any close friends because they create more b.s. that I don't need, so needless to say it's like I'm losing my W and my best friend. I walked downstairs to her room, opened the door and saw OM, W, and my oldest son sleeping in the same bed. Once again, another hard thing to swallow.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 02:05 PM
This is quite unbelievable to me. are you telling us a "story" here?

If you walked in and saw them together, then what did you do? What did you say?

Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 02:18 PM
WTF kind of woman lets her children sleep in the same bed as her stolemeat??????

You need to document, document, document...

And someone needs to "parent up" for those kids...cos all I see YOU doing is rolling over and taking what she's dishing out, and all I see HER doing is being a $lutpuppy.

Lord!

THESE are the people raising children????

Man up and get your kids.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 02:24 PM
No, this is not a story. No body woke up when I was there, so I just left. Believe me I would have liked nothing more than to beat the sh*t out of him, but like I said as my kids were there, and as much as I want to fight him, I have to be the bigger man.

I get my kids as often as I like. I got them last, will have them tonight and tomorrow. She is not selfish on letting me see or be with my kids.
Originally Posted by Dagger
No, this is not a story. No body woke up when I was there, so I just left. Believe me I would have liked nothing more than to beat the sh*t out of him, but like I said as my kids were there, and as much as I want to fight him, I have to be the bigger man.

SHAMEFUL ... BOTH of you!!!

Have you NO pride, self-respect ... nor apparently parenting instincts???

You may CLAIM to be one thing, but your ACTIONS indicate otherwise.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 02:50 PM
What was I to do? Wake up my kids and take them, waking everyone in the house up(Her fathers 2 kids sleeping, also)

We have both taken good care of our kids, her choices now aren't right, but I'm doing everything for my kids when I do have them. Imagine the idiots killing and torturing their kids physically and such.

Everyone has their own opinion, but I don't need this bashing of how I'm a bad father, especially now.
Dagger... if CPS knew that your wife was allowing your child to sleep with her and OM, and that you did nothing about it, you would LOSE your children. Did you know that?

Nevermind the affair, you MUST protect your children. Yes, you could have woken them up and DEMANDED that your child be removed from such an ugly situation. You could have called the police right then! You could have called CPS right then!

No one is bashing you, we're trying to get you to WAKE UP and to MAN UP. Who cares if you woke everyone up in the house? What kind of father (FIL) allows his daughter to carry on like that in his home?

Shake things up. Let it be KNOWN that you will not tolerate this any longer. Sheesh...
Originally Posted by Dagger
What was I to do? Wake up my kids and take them, waking everyone in the house up(Her fathers 2 kids sleeping, also)

We have both taken good care of our kids, her choices now aren't right, but I'm doing everything for my kids when I do have them. Imagine the idiots killing and torturing their kids physically and such.

Everyone has their own opinion, but I don't need this bashing of how I'm a bad father, especially now.

I started to reply, but then seen where princessmeggy beat me to the point I was going to make, so I'll just concur with her advice.

Are you seriously setting the bar so low on your parenting skills that you are satisfied being only above those who torture and kill their own children???

You are one of those BH's who come hearing CLAIMING to seek help, but REFUSING to do anything that would actually help their situation. You are just looking for someone to commiserate with you about how bad your WW is, and not really interested in helping yourself OR YOUR CHILDREN.

What you did (sorry, DIDN'T do) this morning was inexcusable and showed your true colors. I feel sorry for your children.
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 04:02 PM
Quote
She is not selfish on letting me see or be with my kids.

yet she allows her children to sleep in the same bed as a man who not only isn't her husband, but who is NOT THEIR FATHER???

And you claim she is a "good mother?"

Are you serious?????????

There is NOTHING good about this.

This man has been in PRISON!!!!!!!!!!!!!

WTF???

I'd have had the police come and assist me in getting custody of the children.

At least I would have called for a welfare check so that you'd get documentation of WHO she is bringing around the children.

Daddy up.

These kids have NO ONE defending their little mores and values...so they WILL grow up to be

JUST

LIKE

HER!

SEEN it happen already. I'll be damned if I'll stay quiet and see it happen while I've got air in me to scream about it.



Quote
Everyone has their own opinion, but I don't need this bashing of how I'm a bad father , especially now.

Yes, you do!

You don't get the luxury of feeling sorry for yourself when your children are in danger!



Tell your wife you want Primary Custody of your kids and get it in writing. Get a lawyer. You should have no problem winning if she fights it. The kids come first and your wife is allowing them to live in a unsafe enviroment. This is no longer about your marriage and excepting a non-bio kid....your wife is still sleeping with the OM. She made her choice. Its now about your kids!!!
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 06:43 PM
So let me get this straight...

Even though her dads house itself is a suitable place for the kids, and this is going on, I have a chance? I mentioned to her that she needs to step back and take a look at what is truely happening, and I also mentioned what could happen(CPS taking kids) and she got extremely mad and won't talk to me. She is bringing the kids over right now, so that is good, but I guess I need some REAL answers so I dont go get a lawyer and end up wasting all this money for nothing.
Dagger,

LEt me say this to you as carefully as I can. A man is JUDGED and I mean JUDGED by how he rears his children, how he protects his children, and how he prepares his children for life. You are failing on all counts.

First, another man should NOT be sleeping with your children. The fact that he has been in prison makes it even worse. Where your W is staying, with her father, who she had little or no contact with for years, thus showing HIS parenting skills, puts your children in danger.

You go down to a lawyer, you file for divorce, and you file for full custody of your children with visitation by your W only as appropriate. YOU NEED TO PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.

YOu have messed up in the past, but you are a father, and right now you are the only parent in your children's life that seems to have their safety in mind...IF YOU DO.

Your W does not let you see your children whenever you want. You just got done saying how she did not bother to show up when she said she would. She is pregnant with another man's child and she has shown no inclination to acknowledge you other than she will demand financial support from you.

This site is about rebuilding marriages, but that only happens once the affair has ended. Her affair has not ended, thus there is nothing you can do, but work on yourself, become a better man and father, AND..PROTECT YOUR CHILDREN.

There isn't a single person in their lives right now that is really looking out for them. The lessons your W is teaching them will make chances of success in their life very very small.

It is time to grow a pair and man up. You are afraid to be alone. You are afraid to have friends. You are afraid to change. You seem to be afraid of being a good father to your children. ALL of this has to change and change now.

In case you haven't noticed your W is NOT your friend. No one treats a friend as she is treating you. You both failed each other, but now you are failing your children. Don't let that happen.

Please speak with a lawyer and your family. It is time you protected your children. You can do nothing about your W and OM and the child they are having, but you sure can do something about your children.

This site is NOT marriage at all costs and it certainly NOT MARRIAGE AT THE COST OF THE CHILDREN's future.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 07:47 PM
She's at her dad's right?

Is your house the house where the kids were raised in?

If that is the case, do not give them back.

She left, you got the kids back and they will be in their rightful home.

Any cops worth their salt will let a family court figure it out.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 08:18 PM
I don't have the funds right now to support child care or know anyone available to watch them while Im at work.

I have began to write down important dates like when she drop soff the kids, if he's with her or not(he was today), when I or someone else see's him at her place of residence, etc.. My sister asked me to do that, so the judge will look more kindly to my way. I will be speaking to a lawyer on Wednesday, as I'm native american and can get some help there for costs.

Cops around here are sort of one sided, I've seen many cases where the mother has gotten kids back on an instant. I'm looking up different laws and such for my state of South Dakota to see what I can and can't do right now.
Dagger,

I think you did the only thing you really could do after you went into FIL's house. They could have brought charges against YOU had you woken everyone and made a huge scene. This would have become a domestic issue and the cops could haul YOU off as you are the one who wasn't invited.

It's not fair. But it's pretty likely.

Get your ducks in a row and FIND A WAY to be the sole provider for your children. Men are generally conditioned to believe that they cannot do it alone or will have no chance with a judge.

This is not true.

You CAN.

Start working on a plan.....
Quote
They could have brought charges against YOU had you woken everyone and made a huge scene. This would have become a domestic issue and the cops could haul YOU off as you are the one who wasn't invited.

There would be a question of whether he was invited but if he has a history of just walking in, it would be hard for them to suddenly say "he wasn't invited!" Anyways, even if the cops did show up he could have made the allegation of child abuse right then and there and the cops would have HAD to make a record which would lead to an investigation. I think it would have been worth it myself.
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 08:57 PM
Quote
don't have the funds right now to support child care or know anyone available to watch them while Im at work.

Having been a parent for 19 years now...I gotta tell you, where there is a will, there is a way.

You WILL find a way, Dagger. Why? Because the alternative to NOT finding a way is for your children to be raised by an immoral tramp who doesn't give a fig if her new flavor of the month is SLEEPING IN THE SAME BED AS HER KIDS...nor does she see anything wrong with it.

There have been many times I've come up against the impossible due to scheduling or funds...guess what? Nothing has been impossible so far...because I thought about it till my thinker was sore and I/we FOUND the way to make it.

Will you do ANYTHING to make sure your kids are safe?

It's time to be creative, if so.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 08:59 PM
Yes, i did think about them calling the cops. Not right then, but after I left. I have just walked in everytime I've gone there, however, someone was always in the kitchen or in the living room when I did, so they knew I was there.

Actually a cop did show up and park behind my car not 2 hours ago, but he did not knock or come in, he sat there for a few mins and then left...?
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 09:03 PM
Originally Posted by Dagger
Yes, i did think about them calling the cops. Not right then, but after I left. Actually a cop did show up and park behind my car not 2 hours ago, but he did not knock or come in, he sat there for a few mins and then left...?

Don't think too much on it.

Cops have better things to do than to watch you.

Trust.

It's time to get the cops on your side, tho.

If you think that OM could be a threat to your kids, call the cops and ask for a "welfare check". Tell them that this man has been hanging around with your WW and you've heard that he's slept in the same bed as your kids.

They will go over to the house and document ALL the people there.

They will make a report with the documentation. Pull it from the PD. Keep records of what your kids tell you about what goes on there.

You are fighting for their little minds and souls here, dude.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 09:17 PM
He doesnt live there, he actually has his own house. My kids are only 2 and 3 years old so they won't be able to say much on whats happening, as long as their enjoying themselves, ya know?

I dont think OM will harm my kids, but I dont know him on a real personal level I guess. From the sounds of it he is not harming them except by being present to confuse them on where's daddy and who are you
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 09:19 PM
You'd be surprised as to what they retain and remember. These are the years where imprinting begins.

Look, I've got 2 OCs from my husband's adultry. We've got custody and I'm raising them. You should HEAR what they remember. It'd make your hair turn white.

Sorry, but the prison thingy is enough for me to hold a grudge against him being around the children.

He's

Not

Worthy.
Quote
Tell them that this man ex-con has been hanging around with your WW and you've heard that he's slept in the same bed as your kids.
Posted By: pops Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 09:48 PM
D U D E ! ! ! ! you have had no less then 14 replies about how WRONG this situation is with your kids.

WHEN are you going to get some hair on those cahonies and buck up.

your w is not a good mother and you making excuses about no baby sitter are not being a good father

ok you have an appointment with an attorney on wednesday. have him prepare an emergency custody order for you to be the sole custodial parent until this goes to court.

what grounds you may ask? how about your w sleeping with om AND your kids? how about om having a crimainal record? and what was he in the calaboose for? maybe domestic abuse?

my oldest dd took up with a guy who had a Dom abuse record. her exh (long story) who was a He!!s angel got an emergency custody order and removed her dd from her. it was quite a show and took a healthy chunk of my change to get her back. trust me it was no small matter. only the fact that the ex was a he!!s angel caused the judge to reverse the order.

now i am going to say something that you will consider bashing, but that's me.

i don't for a minute believe that you snuck into that house to talk to your w. you did that to try and catch her with her pants down. well you caught her and now you know for a fact what she doing. now what are YOU going to do about it?

i'm all for you dude but stop making stupid excuses why you can't take your kids or why she is this or that or how she promises to talk whenever, or hope she will see the light.

right no wshe is gone, gone, gone. save those baby's

i'm all for saving a marriage when at all possible. but in your case it may be well past possible. at least for now. while you are at the attorney have him also draw up divorce papers and seek cs from your w.

this will do several things. 1 - it will show her that you have boundaries. 2 - it will show her that you are serious, 3 - it will show the courts that you are willing to step up and be the parents of those kids,

and who gives a rats behind whether she is mad or not. she can take a flying leap for all that matters. she has no respect for you or your kids to place them in such an environment.

no more excuses dude, just git er done



Posted By: Stellakat Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 09:56 PM
I dont believe a word of this now. You went too far when you made up that story bout going in to the FIL's home, etc.
'
I know you want to have some fun with us. On a message board. '


Do you work at all>?/
Posted By: Miss M Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 10:13 PM
Stellakat,

How was that helpful? I know you are parnoid about trolls, but you seem to be on another roll right now.

Dagger,

You are getting a lot of good advice from a lot of people, but you seem to be in a fog of your own right now.

I know you are probably in shock right now about all of this, but I highly suggest that you call the police and inform them of what you witnessed, or at least call CPS to report.

Good that you called om's gf.

But all of us 'old folk' here know how important it is that the kids have at least one good parent, and that would be YOU.

You have to protect those children, there isn't anyone else right now.

You have not been a good H, now is the time to be a good father. It may be hard to take this advice because I am sure you are reeling, but please, re read the posts to you and do what is HEALTHIEST for your family.

You WW is NOT being a good mom right now.

Go to your tribal council. They can help you big time.

Love in Christ,
Miss M
Posted By: Dealan-de Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 10:18 PM
Quote
but you seem to be in a fog of your own right now.

He is.

It's very common in this kind of situation.

But - he has very little time to be foggy and pops and I are trying to snap him out of it asap.

C'mon Bud-ro. It's time to papa-up for your young'uns. I think we may need to work on a list of stuff your lawyer needs to know.

Lists are always good to go into a lawyer's office with. That way you don't leave anything out.
Posted By: Verve Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/05/09 10:23 PM
Dagger,

There are programs out there to assist people with getting childcare. They will pay part or even ALL of the fees associated with that. I was a Child Care Advocate and I set people up to do this. Please go to or call your local Food Stamp office and ask them about programs to help you. You will need the children's birth certificates, social security cards, and your paycheck stubs. Get as much help as you can.

People on here are trying to help you and I know that it can come across as a bit harsh, but you have to do what's best for your children. Contact a lawyer ASAP. Your children do not need to be in that environment. It's very confusing for them.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/06/09 01:43 AM
Well we'll have to see come wednesday when I meet with a lawyer on what I can do. I don't believe he is physically harming my kids. My WW is still thinking that this doesnt effect the kids and that I created b.s. and maybe I did by pushing the subject of us for so long, but I'm turning the other cheek now on us, only talking about the kids, and am going to stay out of her life. She will realize one day once she pulls her head outta his a$$. She thinks things are so great right now, but they always are in the beginning! Marriage isn't comical by any means when its serious like this, I just think its ridiculous how some things are working out.

I'm in talks with my father and my sister on making a plan, as my father has been through the divorce courts several times and my sister recently had her H step out on her, but has since worked it out over time.

Once again thank you all for the advice. I'll take some of it, but some I will not take considering the situation. I think she'll snap outta this funk rather soon, a few months tops. You'd have to know the whole situation and us an individuals to understand it fully. I'm guessing that's where a counselor will come in for myself, and maybe my WW down the road.
Posted By: Dagger Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/06/09 01:45 AM
I missed this comment..

Stellkat- Yes I work building wood furniture. I wouldnt come onto a marriage board for the hell of it to build a story. Got no time for that nor time for people thinking as such.
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/06/09 03:30 AM
Originally Posted by Dagger
I think she'll snap outta this funk rather soon, a few months tops. You'd have to know the whole situation and us an individuals to understand it fully. I'm guessing that's where a counselor will come in for myself, and maybe my WW down the road.

Sorry, bro, but you're wrong here.

We DO know your story. We have been there done that. We too have had similar thoughts about the advice received on these boards.

This was the only place telling me the right things to do.

I'm going on three years now of waiting to see if the fog will ever lift. Actually, it's more like I quit caring if it would.

The fog is there. It's going to be there for a looooong time and I too had thoughts of "she'll snap out of it" for a while.

It's called denial. And no, it's not a river in Egypt. It's what you're in right now. It happens. We've been there.

Time to get past that and do what is right for your kids.
Posted By: pops Re: Wife has affair, pregnant w/his child - 01/06/09 03:46 AM
"""""""""once she pulls her head outta his a$$""""""""'

buddy i thinkst you need to take your own advice and reach back between your knees as far as you can. grab your ears and with a big yank pull your head out of your behind.

you are in denial. it has been said that we all have been there. that is a fact

""""""""""""I don't believe he is physically harming my kids. My WW is still thinking that this doesnt effect the kids""""""""""

that statement pi$$e$ me off. son if you think this isn't hurting your kids. you my friend are a dips#!t. this is affecting them in more ways then you can imagine. and for you to sit back and not do anything right away.

i am thinking those kids would be better with both you and your ww out of their lives.

dude they are your kids. your ww allows you to see them whenever you want. right. you should be the one with custody and she should be asking you when she can see them.

go to your attorney on wednesday and let us know what he/she says. until then i will read and try and keep up but my advice has fallen on deaf ears. no need for any more typing.

wishing you all the luck, cause you definately need it.
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I dont think OM will harm my kids, but I dont know him on a real personal level I guess. From the sounds of it he is not harming them except by being present to confuse them on where's daddy and who are you

Dagger, another poster just reminded me to ask you if you've had this guy checked out. You know you can check the sexual offenders database in your state for free, right? You've done this much right? A common ploy among SO is to hook up with a woman who has kids-- easy access to the kids.

Nevermind your WW allowing this man to sleep in the same bed with your child and what that says about her-- what does it say about HIM?????

Seriously, this is a DEADLY issue, not to be taken lightly. Find out who this man really is that you "don't know on a real personal level." If you find out he's a SO... CALL THE COPS!
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