Marriage Builders
Posted By: BROWNEYES I was right there is an ow - 01/20/09 06:57 PM
Okay so I couldn't figure out why my husband of 24 years rented an apartment without telling me he was unhappy or that he was leaving.
I found out when the aprtment called to say he was approved and I called him on it and he said he was sorry, hasn't been happy in over 10 years, no passion in our marriage, ect...
By the way he had an affair 10 years ago, we recovered and were very happy. I thought.
So I checked his cell bill today and yes he met someone online and has been talking to her almost nightly for along time.
I called and told him I found out and he says she has nothing to do with his leaving, he needs his own life, wants to be alone and hasn't loved me in 10 years, he never should have come back after his last affair.
I haven't seen him seen him, I left so he could come and get his things, I am so numb and sick, I can't eat, sleep think, work,
Is there any chance he will change his mind and come home, or am I just stupid for believeing all the lies?
Posted By: lildoggie Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/20/09 07:00 PM
Hi Brown eyes,
OT but I just noticed this Registered: 01/01/70 . Holy! I didnt even know the internet was around then, let alone MB.

I think you should ask the mods to move your thread to GQ2. It has alot more traffic and vets than JFO.

Click on 'notify' at the bottom of your first post and message the mods.

Sorry you have to be at MB but you will get great advice.

hug
Posted By: lildoggie Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/20/09 07:03 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
I called and told him I found out and he says she has nothing to do with his leaving, he needs his own life, wants to be alone and hasn't loved me in 10 years, he never should have come back after his last affair.
I haven't seen him seen him, I left so he could come and get his things, I am so numb and sick, I can't eat, sleep think, work,
Is there any chance he will change his mind and come home, or am I just stupid for believeing all the lies?

BTW all that stuff he said is just bog standard fogbabble straight from the 'Waywards Book of Verbal Diarreha'

And yes I ahve seen some apperntly hopeless situations end up in reconciiation. Besides you've done it once so you know that at least twice now he has chosen you laugh
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/20/09 07:14 PM
Oh, I'm sure he'll be back. But recovering from a second affair is extremely difficult, especially when you thought things were going fine.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/20/09 07:16 PM
You are going to have to find out everything you can about this OW (hire a PI) and expose to all her peeps and all his peeps. What have you got to loose? He's already left. At least if you expose, you have a chance at getting him back.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/20/09 07:33 PM
Well I found out about her by checking his cell phone bill and noticed alot of long calls after I went to bed to Vancouver, we live in California.
He says he has never met her, but I think it is his highschool girlfriend.
I can't hire a pi, I am broke and trying to keep my house and raise my kids, she is married also, and I called her number and left a message telling her about me and the boys and my 24 year marrigae to the man she is messing with.
I am so scared right now I can't even breath. the last time he left it was for 4 days and he moved in with his dad, this time he already has his own place, which we can not afford.
I would like to think he will try and win me back, but this time I am sure it is over and he won;t, he doesn't love me anymore.
I know this sounds stupid, but we neveer fight, we got out toghether, we make love, he was my best friend, I really just want to crawl in a hole and die.
I am hoping he will try to come back and that I am strong enough to say no.
Please pray for my boys, that they don't believe men do this and repeat the cycle in their own life.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/21/09 01:46 PM
Will your parents or his parents help you hire a PI?

Please keep to one thread, ok?
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/21/09 02:59 PM
well here I am day 2 and more sick and scared than yesterday. Yesterday he called the house 10 times, called my boys all acouple of times and wanted to meet with them, they said no thank you.
He wanted to make sure I knew that I would be fine without him, that the last 10 years have been a mistake, and that he has been faking his love to try to make me happy, but it is time for him to be happy.
I don't even know how I will live both financially and emotionally.
I know I have been here before, but this time I know in my heart he's not coming home.
I have prayed and cryed and when I finally fell asleep he called to check up on us and woke me up, then I didn't get back to sleep.
Posted By: turtlehead Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/21/09 05:39 PM
Well you know the stuff about him not really loving you for the past 10 years is hogwash, right? Nobody stays with someone they don't love for ten years.

Find out who OW's husband is and who her parents are. Intelius.com might help.
Find out where she works and if the cellphone calls are during her working hours.

When you know that, EXPOSE.
Do not warn your WH that you are going to expose, just do it.
Expose to OW's husband and parents.
Expose to WH's parents
Expose to your children
Expose to WH's work if the calls were made during his work hours
Expose to OW's work if the calls were made during her work hours
Expose to close friends of your WH and close friends of the marriage
Expose to people who might have an influence on him, such as your priest.
If he holds any positions of responsibility such as school board member, PTA officer, etc. expose to those organizations.

Read up on Love Busters and eliminate them. AOs are easy to identify, DJs not so much. Pay close attention to how you interact with WH.

Meet his ENs as best you can. Keep the house spotless and smelling yummy. Look your best and smell divine when he comes to visit the kids.

Do you work outside the home? If so, have your paycheck put into a separate account for now so he cannot squander your money on OW. If you fear you wont' be able to pay your mortgage, utilities, and food, see an attorney about that. You may have to file for a legal separation and get the courts to order him to pay you a certain amount each month.

And do stick to one thread. You have a bunch of them and it's hard to know where to respond to you.
Posted By: Bellevue Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/21/09 06:25 PM
Hey Browneyes, Yep, your H is spouting the standard fogbabble. Not a one of them can come up with anything original.

All the blood rushes out of their brains into their nether regions.

Follow the advice given here. Don't tell your H about MB; it's your secret weapon. smirk
Posted By: Trying2live Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 12:35 AM
Originally Posted by turtlehead
Well you know the stuff about him not really loving you for the past 10 years is hogwash, right? Nobody stays with someone they don't love for ten years.

Find out who OW's husband is and who her parents are. Intelius.com might help.
Find out where she works and if the cellphone calls are during her working hours.

When you know that, EXPOSE.
Do not warn your WH that you are going to expose, just do it.
Expose to OW's husband and parents.
Expose to WH's parents
Expose to your children
Expose to WH's work if the calls were made during his work hours
Expose to OW's work if the calls were made during her work hours
Expose to close friends of your WH and close friends of the marriage
Expose to people who might have an influence on him, such as your priest.
If he holds any positions of responsibility such as school board member, PTA officer, etc. expose to those organizations.

Read up on Love Busters and eliminate them. AOs are easy to identify, DJs not so much. Pay close attention to how you interact with WH.

Meet his ENs as best you can. Keep the house spotless and smelling yummy. Look your best and smell divine when he comes to visit the kids.

Do you work outside the home? If so, have your paycheck put into a separate account for now so he cannot squander your money on OW. If you fear you wont' be able to pay your mortgage, utilities, and food, see an attorney about that. You may have to file for a legal separation and get the courts to order him to pay you a certain amount each month.

And do stick to one thread. You have a bunch of them and it's hard to know where to respond to you.



I agree with Turtle, do all of the above and do it like yesterday.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 12:47 AM
I agree with Turtle too, especially this part:

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If you fear you wont' be able to pay your mortgage, utilities, and food, see an attorney about that. You may have to file for a legal separation and get the courts to order him to pay you a certain amount each month.

He wants to be divorced, he needs to see what it's going to cost him... and not just money either!

He CAN NOT just walk away, the courts won't let him. He has obligations.

But, on the other hand, follow Turtle's advice to the letter. MB doesn't GUARANTEE you'll recover your marriage, but it's the BEST plan you've got. I can promise you this though, YOU will come out stronger and better than ever if you do these things.

hug hug
Posted By: johnstwin Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 03:22 AM
Just FYI-recent post by BrownEyes on a new thread. I thought it might help to have them in one place and encouraged her to keep posting in one thread.

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Well he called again today and I told him I knew how often he was talking to her and texting and he admitted to ea, he says he didn't think that was what it was but he agreed when I explain the fog he was in and how he started talking to her about the same time he decided I wasn't what he wanted.
The wierd thing is she lives in Canada and we live in California and they haven't seen each other in 25 years.
She is also married and he promised to cut contact and see how he feels.
He wrote her as text this morning telling her it was over and so far no more contact, I can look up his cell usage online.
He called a couple of times today for silly reasons and came by to get a few things, but I stayed in the house and refused to see him.
I look like [censored], no sleep or food in 3 days.
He says he can't be happy with me, but if he could how would I feel.


PS: I know she can change her thread title, but I don't know how to do that. blush
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 06:27 AM
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I haven't seen him seen him
Browneyes, unfortunately the man you are dealing with isn't your H. It is a wayward who is addicted to the OP and the HIGH that he is getting from her. I can see how so many people are telling you that what he is saying, is absolutely hogwash, nothing special. And yet, how can we say that when it's your life. For whatever reason, and Dr. Harley has years of experience to show it, what happens to our spouses when they become involved an affair is so similar to that of an addict becoming addicted to crack. Their primary goal in life is to get that fix and they become, sound and look in their eyes like no one we have every seen before. You arent' alone. You aren't imagining and you aren't crazy.

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I am so numb and sick, I can't eat, sleep think, work,
Your in shock, you have suffered a tremendous, horrible, debilitating trauma that will take your own time to recover from. You may not believe this, you may not want to hear this, but you will recover. From the very loving and caring words of PM
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I can promise you this though, YOU will come out stronger and better than ever if you do these things.

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Is there any chance he will change his mind and come home, or am I just stupid for believeing all the lies?
Yes, many do change their minds and come home. But it takes work on BOTH parts. If he isn't there, you can roll up your sleeves, strategize YOUR plan A, make changes in you and go after him in Plan A. Prepare yourself for a possible Plan B and know that you are just shooting from the hips, but find comfort that there is a PLAN that can help you recover both your M and yourself.

Don't EVER believer your stupid, don't allow other peoples struggles or successes measure your journey. We are here for you, to help you, to cry with you and to watch you grow, prosper and work your way through this tough time in your life.

I look forward to getting to know you.





Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 02:50 PM

well thursday morning and feeling worse fhan ever, last night I fell asllep and this morning I woke up after a couple of hours can't stop crying and still wanting ti die.
I haven't eatten in 4 days I haven't slept more than a couple of hours a night and if I could think of a way my kids wouldn't find me I would kill myself right now.
This is hpeless, I can't expose anything, she lives in Canada and I only have her cell number.
I admit I got lazy and chubby, but I told him and showed him my love every day.
People say I am a great person, that I am beautiful and happy, but I feel like a nothing, I gave my whole life to him and he threw it back.
It is not going to be okay, I am not going to get strong and be happy without him,I can't plan a, I mean I told him his affair was emotional and I could forgive him, I told him how much I love him and am proud of all he is and what a great family we have, and how we could get through this, but now I can't se him, I don't want to, can't take anymore pain.
Plan b will have to do I am done
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 02:54 PM
Please call your doctor and get an emergency appointment today! You have GOT to do something to take care of yourself. Please promise me you will call.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 03:12 PM
no I don't want help she will just commit me, or give me some stupid pill that won't take this pain away.
How do I take legal steps to seperate myself from his spending now?
I can't afford much so scared I will loose my house already lost my life.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 03:20 PM
Also I nedd you to understand that 10 years ago he had a real affair, walked out on me and our kids, came home 3 days later took months to feel better, he lost his job, she wouldn't give up, we finally made it through and were happier than any couple I know.
Friends and family said how lucky we were, now he says he was trying but never felt in love with me again.' He says he should have left then and that now he needs his own life, deserves it and I need to get over it.
Part of me knows he is in a fog, but I can't take this pain again, I can't go through months of walking on eggshells to convince him what he doesn't see.
He is already living in an apartment, was from the day I found out he wan't happy, he just left, no warning, took all his stuff, and moved on without me.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 04:16 PM
hug BROWNEYES hug

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This is hpeless, I can't expose anything, she lives in Canada and I only have her cell number.


BREATHE..... HONEY..... BREATHE....

You can do this, you just don't realize that this very minute.

In the beginning I had to keep it to one second at a time, please G-d just get me through one second and then another. I didn't have any exposure on HER side either. Mine wasn't married, didn't have any respected people in her life. Heck her friends let her and my H sleep around from apartment to apartment. How grown up.

Please try to listen to me, You can do this.... You are fighting for your M, and you need to start strategizing. Are you readin on here? Can you afford to order the book Surviving An Affair?

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It is not going to be okay, I am not going to get strong and be happy without him,I can't plan a, I mean I told him his affair was emotional and I could forgive him, I told him how much I love him and am proud of all he is and what a great family we have, and how we could get through this, but now I can't se him, I don't want to, can't take anymore pain.
hug BROWN hug Honey, YES YOU CAN... YES YOU CAN. I was THERE, oh my G-d, but I was there, feeling the things, the overwhelmingness, the loss, the pain, the destruction. I remember feeling completely destroyed, alone, crazy, I lost 87 lbs. You are not ALONE, we are here right along side you, every step of the way holding your hand and YOU decide what you can and can't do.

Give yourself a break, it's not all at ONCE. It's step by step and you CAN do this. I DID... And I'm doing OK....

You certainly can move through this and be divorced. BUT, if you want to recover your M, and YOU CAN, you NEED to do a PLAN A first before you go into PLAN B. These plans WORK, if YOU WORK THEM. But they are designed to work together and after VERY CAREFUL strategizing.

During this time of turmoil, working these plans gave me new insight into who I was capable of being and what I was capable of doing. AND YES YOU CAN.... hug
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 04:19 PM
Brown, what you are doing by not eating, isn't helping your children. They NEED you. They NEED you to show them the light, to step up and help them walk through this.

All I had was my children and all I could do was think of them and step up and be their mom.

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I nedd you to understand
You will NOT be able to understand this until you start reading and reading and reading on here.

Your WH is a monster, don't look to him for answers, they are LIES, they are MONSTERS.

If you are in DANGER of HURTING YOURSELF, call 911 and talk to a professional. I DID, MANY TIMES. I understand this. I can feel your pain, BUT you CAN GET THROUGH THIS.... hug
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 04:28 PM
I can't, I know my kids need me but financially they would be better off without me.
If he could live in this house with them they will make it, sorry but no one needs me, I gave all I can, my kids just want me to get over it. their dad calls and texts them all day and they are doing fine with nhim, he is happy and strong, I am nothing.
I will not call 911, I know what they will do to me and I can't take it.
I understand how you want to help and I really do love your help, but nothing will make this better.
At this point I have given up, I can't imaginne life with or without him.
Dont want to understand or forgive, been there done that, I really just need the pain to go away.
I am not ctying out for help, and I can not eat or sleep, breathing is about it.
To make my kids happy last night I had one bite of dinner then threw up for an hour.
I understand what you are saying, but there is no hope no help nothing sorry.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 04:33 PM
Please call your doctor. I can promise you that antidepressants DO and WILL help you. It is difficult but you CAN pick yourself up and move forward in whatever it is that you prefer to do... And, your children DO need you.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 04:48 PM
BROWN,

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I can't, I know my kids need me but financially they would be better off without me.
I THOUGHT THE SAME THING. I remember believing that if I DIED or was GONE that my H, not the WH could suddenly appear and come home and be their amazing dad again. And that they NEEDED him more than they needed me.

Heck, he was the better parent. But IT'S not TRUE. He is SICK, he is a DRUG ADDICT, A MONSTER, who is solely out for himself. Your CHILDREN need YOU. Because they need you to help them get through this too. If I DID IT... and I DID. SO CAN YOU....

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but nothing will make this better. At this point I have given up, I can't imaginne life with or without him.
No, nothing will make this better. Do you have a relationship with G-d. If so, GET ON YOUR KNEES AND START TALKING TO G-D. Nothing fancy, just scream at him if you want. He KNOWS what's happening. He UNDERSTANDS your pain. YOU CAN DO THIS....

STOP ASSUMING you know what your kids are thinking and feeling. YOU ARE their MOTHER and that can NEVER change. Do you honestly want to lay the guilt of them losing you TOO on their shoulders. THEY NEED YOU TO FIND A WAY.... I HAD TOO, and I DID'T want to.

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but there is no hope no help nothing sorry
NO, you're right there is NO HOPE if you lay down and allow that MONSTER to WIN...

People who you don't even know you, will NEED you one day. Because one day you will have walked through this awful time and you will be able to help them. Like we are helping you NOW.

You CAN GET THROUGH this, but you have to breathe.... and just be easy on yourself. I didn't eat for weeks and weeks, and I didn't die. I ate one bite a day, stop making yourself do anything, but be kind to yourself. G-d loves YOU....
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 05:29 PM
he just called again adn wants me to refinance my house so we will be financally okay apart.
I don't want to do that. He now says it's been 15 year since he loved me and I told him that was the last thing he wil l ever say to mme I hope he enjoyed it.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 05:48 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
he just called again adn wants me to refinance my house so we will be financally okay apart.
I don't want to do that. He now says it's been 15 year since he loved me and I told him that was the last thing he wil l ever say to mme I hope he enjoyed it.

I don't know if you're a believer, but I am, so serious prayers are going up for you RIGHT NOW from Texas. pray

Lord, I ask You to bring peace to BE, right now. Hold her in your arms. Let her feel Your loving presence. She is crying out in pain, lost, not knowing what to do. Please put people in her path right now, today Lord that will comfort her and her children. She needs a miracle in her life.
Posted By: sunshinestate Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 05:49 PM
Hi There-

I never post, but lurk all the time and I feel compelled to talk to you right now. I know you would rather just throw in the towel- but you CANNOT right now, your thinking is fuzzy due to stress, lack of sleep, food, and depression. Please, please, please, can you call a friend and have them take you into the hospital, pastor, doctor.

Can you pick up the phone right now and call someone, not later, but right now. We have been in your shoes- and want to guide you....please respond
Posted By: sunshinestate Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 05:54 PM
Its me again,

I work in mental health, why do you not want to be committed? You need rest, to calm, and to you deserve to be in a better spot right now. Seriously, please call someone. i know you have not felt this low before, and you see no way through it, but there is a way.....please call
Posted By: Maverick_mb Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 05:56 PM
Dear BROWNEYES,

While the Marriage Builders website cannot become involved in threats of this kind, please know that your pain is taken seriously. Please contact a suicide crisis center in your area, call 1-800-SUICIDE or call your family physician.

BROWNEYES, this is very serious. We care. YOU MATTER VERY MUCH!

With Prayers,

Maverick
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 06:12 PM
O Lord,

At this time of emotional pain in my life, help me to remember that You became man to grant us a perspective on the suffering of this world. You, too, were moved by intense feelings, and were at times angry, near despair and filled with doubt. You, above all, suffered at the hands of others and were misunderstood by many. Yet, You listened, always with rapt attention, to others in pain, offering them comfort and acceptance.

Teach me now to find new faith in You, in myself, and in my fellow man. I ask Your grace and courage that I might embrace my life and experiences as my own, good and bad, and begin my life anew today. Allow me that strength to communicate about my inner experience so that others, working through Your hand, may understand, and I may find Your peace within myself.

Amen

BROWN, honey, try to stop listening to HIM. You DON'T HAVE to DO ANYTHING.... Just breathe.... just listen to your breaths, just listen to your heart beating, just breath....

That's ALL you have to do.

YOU CAN DO THIS.... Look how you have touched our lives, we NEED you to stay here and let us help you. Your needed by people you don't even know, but who already care about you.
Posted By: Gack1 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 07:08 PM
Please, calm down.

Remember your children, they love you.

You will make it through this if you just calm down a little.

Please seek counseling, I had to for my own health, and It did help me. Think rationally, getting supper upset will not help.

Just calm down.
Posted By: broken_soul Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 07:08 PM
BrownEyes-

I know your pain. I'm a BS, I've dealt with depression nearly my entire life. I attempted suicide because of it when I was 28, and when I found out about my H's EA, I wanted to die. I know that right now you're in a blinding amount of emotional pain and you can't even see past your own nose, and you honestly believe the only way out of your agony is to die. I get that, I really do.

Please...open your eyes. You have a responsibility to your children. They don't deserve to be scarred forever by your death. I know you believe they'd be fine without you, but they won't. They need you. There's no replacement for a mother.

Please answer us.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 07:47 PM
browneyes, please let us know you're alright.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 07:55 PM
Browneyes, You are in our thoughts our prayers and we need to hear from you.

YOU MATTER TO US..... pray hug
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 09:22 PM
bumping for Browneyes to know she is in OUR THOUGHTS....
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 10:28 PM
bump...

hello?
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 10:42 PM
he was worried about me so he came into my house and refused to leave, tried to make me eat threatened to call 911.
He is in deep with ow and doesn't see what it's done, I am done not okay, just done
Please don't worry you don't even know me and the one the does know me best only wants to get away
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 10:48 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
he was worried about me so he came into my house and refused to leave, tried to make me eat threatened to call 911.
He is in deep with ow and doesn't see what it's done, I am done not okay, just done
Please don't worry you don't even know me and the one the does know me best only wants to get away

It's ironic that he recognized that you needed help but doesn't recognize that he's the cause. :RollieEyes:

Browneyes, we don't know you personally. But we know you in other ways, because we've been where you are right now.

Your kids need you. Forget WH for now. Concentrate on YOU and those kids. Don't be selfish like your WH and think only of yourself. Get mad if you have to, throw something against the wall, beat a pillow (but do this away from the kids). rant2

We're still here for you whether you like it or not. smile
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/22/09 11:17 PM
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Please don't worry you don't even know me and the one the does know me best only wants to get away
YES I DO KNOW YOU..... I was THERE, with all the SAME THOUGHTS, the DESPERATION, the NO HOPE, the not KNOWING WHAT TO DO.

I remember not imagining how he WOULDN'T EVEN GIVE ME A CHANCE.

Brown, he wanted something more... that something more was a crack addict with hepatitis C, twice divorced, on state disability, sucking the system along with my husband. She gave birth to her first kid at 15.. Uglier than you can imagine.

And he WALKED OUT WITHOUT SO MUCH AS A GLANCE OF DESTROYING ME.

This MAN is NOT your HUSBAND. DON'T LISTEN TO HIM, DON'T EXPECT ANYTHING BUT TRASH FROM HIS MOUTH.

You'll understand how we KNOW you, because you are ONE OF US. We have GONE THROUGH THIS...AND ARE HERE FOR YOU.. Every step of the way.

Are you breathing? Are you talking to G-d?


Posted By: womanoffaith5 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 12:19 AM
Do you have a girl friend, or sister, you can call to come over right now?

I know that in the beginning, you dont even want to tell anyone what is going on! it is too horrible to admit, and you hope that if you keep it all a secret, then he can quietly coem back and no one ever needs to know.

I kept my secret for 3 days. And when I couldn't take the pain any longer I called my sister in law and it was the best thing I ever did. She just sat with me and listened. And then, anytime I was reaching the panic mode again - I would call her. And she would sit with me.

Call your Doctor. Quit insisting that you know what they will say or do. Call. There is nothing wrong with taking "a pill" to get you through this.

And call a friend.

Your H is sick right now. He has an addiction. He is not thinking straight. Can you take care of yourself for now, while he is working through his sickness? Do you really want to leave your children with no Mom, and a sick father?

if nothing else, think of this: you get yourself some temporary support coming from this man. Make sure it is in writing so he cant wiggle out of it. How much fun will he have in his apartment when 2/3 of his income is going to you?

Posted By: Nerlycrzy Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 01:16 AM
BROWNEYES,

I remember you from years ago, and I'm so sad to see you back & so troubled.

PLEASE know,,we KNOW what you're feeling right now and how hopeless it all seems. So many of us have been there.

But it's NOT hopeless! You've been here long enough... You've SEEN the miracles happen, whether they were martial recoveries or personal successes.

BROWNEYES, I'm not too far from you. If you need someone to email or to call, or to call you,, PLEASE contact JustUss or one of the mods and we can exchange email addresses and/or phone numbers. PLEASE!
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 04:56 AM
Hey BE,

I am about 1.5 hours south of ya. If you need to get away just send me a message. my door is open. L.A. sunshine girl might be coming up to visit soon....it would be nice to get the cali MB crew together...
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 07:33 AM
Well my sister came over with loud kids and food I couldn't eat, and I fell asleep in my chair for awhile.
I asked him last time he called to please stop calling and coming over, and he said okay.
I was reading some posts while he was here and he sakd, look up the ones where the husband never comes home, they can't all have happy endings.
I know about the fog and the addiction and all that, did it all 10 years ago, but even while he was here worried about me he said some really cruel things.
Posted By: ark^^ Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 12:46 PM
well browneyes his cruelity is to justify and feed his actions...

you can not
you must not
and you should not ever ever

give your self worth to any other humanbeing on this earth....

you hold great value here regardless and inspite of anything he does ...

anything....

browneyes we all know your pain...it's as palpable as anything

but

inspite of his words
inspite of his actions

none of them are the end all and be all of you...

none of them

your worth and value never has been dependant on whether or not your husband values and respects you....

you give him way too much power...

what would you say to your child if he/she was in your position

you are in our thoughts and prayers..,

we know you can get through this

whatever this ends up to be...
for there is no conclusion now

be well for you and your children

ARK

Posted By: Maribel4 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 01:46 PM
browneyes - I remember you from almost 10 years ago. I used to post under the username "[Survivor aka No_Trust.]" I recently came back to MB because my FWH who had an EA/PA (10 years ago), just recently, had an EA.

I want you to know that you aren't alone. Please do not measure your worth by the actions or terrible behavior of your WH. You are worth much more than that. Believe that there are people around you who care about you and will agree.

Your pain is completely valid and understandable. But you need to refocus and heal. Whether or not your WH stays or leaves, you can get thru this. Your life can be good, with or without him.

I used to live near Fremont. If I still did, I'd go over to you and hug you myself. {{browneye}}
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 02:56 PM
I know you are hurting...it stinks...I know, I've been there and am still trying to get over it but am doing alot better. I felt very similar to you even though I wasn't the BS.
Please, open your eyes and try to see what this man is doing to you. Aren't you better than that? Don't you and your children deserve better than that?
I've learned over the years that you can not make someone want you if they don't and it's useless trying. If he wants to be gone, let him go. But please, respect yourself. You are worthy of better.
A friend just told me yesterday (we were talking in general about suicide and thoughts that we too had had in the past of it) and she told me that "it" is just a general disrespect for life and basically that it was a slap in the face of our creator who made us. To want to waste ourselves and our precious life that He has given us.
Get a phone book, look in the yellow pages and call a lawyer. Call the phone company and change your phone #'s and replace the lock on your doors. Remember, there is a solution to every problem. Pick yourself up and be strong because you deserve better and think about your children. And, yourself and try to stop thinking about this person that has caused you so much pain. And, do not be afraid to ask for help if you need it (from someone other than your H).
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 04:03 PM
Well I told him yesterday that he needed to stop calling me, I can't take anymore pain.
WEll guess what he did, and that hurts even worse.
I can't breath, and I know my self worth is not dependent on him, its just that when you truly give yourself to someone for 24 years and really try to make them happy, and you fail, it is beyond pain.
I am contacting a lawyer today and I know it was probably stupid becaue it is not what I want, but I told him I will never take him back so he should just be happy.
He was still wearing his wedding ring and he said, he is not sure it's over he is just going through something and needs time, I told him, no I won't do this again, go away.
I love my kids more than life obviously, but I can't stand the contact and it will continue the rest my life because we have them
They are 3 beautiful boys 22, 20 and 15, and they are very close to him and talk everyday.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 04:25 PM
Okay I need nore advise, I am ready and really need to legally seperate myself frmon his spending.
He has rented and apartment and is furnacing it getting cable, internet ect.
Together we were financally sound, but now he says without refinancing our home we will go under.
I think he just wants to refinance so he will be okay, but I can't commit to a higher morgage for 30 years alone.
I know it will help us for now, but I will try to get through my side of this.
I called an attorney and they want $2500 to help, I don't have it, and I want to stop his debt today help.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 04:49 PM
He is keeping you on the "back burner" in case this thing doesn't work out--a backup plan. Believe me, I know this.
Call several attorneys--get different prices. Most attorneys will consult with you at no charge. Maybe you could explain to them what is going on and they could work something out payment wise with you. Heck, put in the paperwork that H has to pay your attorney costs.
Do you work? If so, go open a new account in your name only and have your money put into that account.
You need to put yourself first...
Your children are practically grown with the exception of the 15 year old.
CHANGE YOUR PHONE #--don't ask him to stop calling--make it to where he can't call.
You need to start thinking in this respect. Hold your head up--take control of your life and your situation and stop letting this man push you around.
But it sounds like you need some legal help regardless. There must be more than one lawyer that you could call.
Posted By: womanoffaith5 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 05:26 PM
get the money to the lawyer ASAP. If you have a credit card that you can charge the $2500 to, then do so right away.
I would not normally advice anyone to take on more debt - but your WH is currently charging stuff that will potentially sink the family. you need to take steps to protect yourself.

Find a card that you can charge - and get on it while you still can.

The thing about the lawyer - you are still just seeking legal advice. That does not mean you have to file for D right away. But get that money to the lawyer now, so you can get REAL LEGAL advice. Not just the advice of well meaning friends and family who don't really know the law.

I remember when I first saw a lawyer I was TERRIFIED. But afterwards, I just felt better to have real facts.

There is still hope for your M!! But protect your finances while you can.

I want to share one little thing with you - I dont know if this will be helpful or not. I hope so!!
When my WxH went of the deep end, and had multiple affairs my boys were 13 and 16. And like you, I thought that I would have contact with him for ever, because of the boys. I wanted to seperate myself from his HORRIBLE behavior, and hurtful words, but I assumed that I would still have to talk to him because of the boys. As it turns out, I have very little contact with him. My boys are 18 and 21 now, and last year I think I talked to my ex twice. That was it. God has taken care of me beyond what I could have ever dreamed for myself. My life is so much fuller, so much richer than ever before.

Get ready for plan B. Protect yourself. Dont let that man think he has any more control over you. Pull up your boot straps and let him see that he has given up a treasure - pure gold - to live in a crappy little apartment with cheap furniture.

Dont talk to him, dont cry in front of him, dont let him know your secrets. Let him observe from afar that your life will be well lived, with or without him.




Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 05:34 PM
It sounds to me like he is flipping out and having a midlife crisis. I wonder if the crazy plan is for her to leave hubby and move in with yours. YIKES!

I would NOT refinance under any circumstances. If he doesn't give you money, you can put in for food stamps or welfare, and they will bill him. Also you can often file for child or spousal support through the court on your own.

This thing is going to fall apart fast. Let him worry about the bills. Stand your ground. Don't mortgage your future. Protect your family.
Posted By: Trying2live Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 05:36 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
I think he just wants to refinance so he will be okay, but I can't commit to a higher morgage for 30 years alone.
I know it will help us for now, but I will try to get through my side of this.
I called an attorney and they want $2500 to help, I don't have it, and I want to stop his debt today help.


Never enter into a financial contract with a liar or at least without an attorney. He wants to fund his fantasy with your equity and I personally would say h3ll NO!


You can have your 1st consultation with attorneys for free. Meet with several of them and ask different questions so at least you would know more of what to do.


I am sorry you are going through this, yup I know you've heard it, but we do know how you feel. I have been with my H since High school so I know the pain you feel. I understand your thoughts of not wanting to live as I think all of us have thought them, but you have to know that if you did how would your kids feel the rest of their lives knowing that mom did love us enough to stay here for us. I know you said how much you love your kids so push OUT those thoughts okay and right when they enter.

Now this is going to sound crazy but you need to pick your self up and find something you enjoy to do. I read a another book just before I found SAA and it really helped me in many ways. Well there was a chapter called GAL Getting A Life. It encouraged the reader to get up and get there own life outside of the WS. I am a full time stay at home mom and wife, I lived to serve and care for my family. Well this happened and guess what I picked myself up and signed up for a Salsa dancing class through the city parks and recs(so it was cheap). I have to tell you as depressed and hopeless as I was that 1 hour class made me feel better. That 1 little hour for the whole week was the happiest(if I can say that) that I would feel for 7 days until the class rolled around again.

Plus the added benefit, is that H was SOOOO irritated that I was taking the class and even going with girlfriends to practice at a local club(BTW Salsa dancing is pretty clean, and its all about the dancing, no nasty stuff involved so its harmless). Anyways he didn't like that I was still living and doing something so FUN at a horrible time. I think its great for WS's to see us still living and moving on with our lives. ITs a great reality check for them. So my encouragement to you is to find something you like to do and go do it. It sounds really dumb but you'll understand later when you do it.
Posted By: womanoffaith5 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 06:23 PM
Quote
I would NOT refinance under any circumstances. If he doesn't give you money, you can put in for food stamps or welfare, and they will bill him. Also you can often file for child or spousal support through the court on your own.

YES YES YES
I forgot to mention this in my post as well. Do NOT re-finance your house. Just tell him that you simply can not take on such a huge financial burden at this time, when your life has been completely turned up side down. The idea of taking on a new 30 year mortgage with him, while he is planning to D you, just does not make sense right now.

Do not try to rescue him from the consequences of his bad choices.


Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 06:28 PM
I texted him and asked that he see a lawyer and stop his new debt from becoming mine and says if we do not refinance I will loose my house.
I told him I will not enter into any financial contracts with him, and to see a lawyer and let it falls where it may.
I have a good job, but his is alot better, and we were fine moneywise without this seperation.
I know every cent I make will have to go towards trying to keep it together , but while he is spending, I haven't spent 1 cent.
He called and says he has to work doesn't have time to see a lawyer and I am stupid if I think I can keep the house
Posted By: johnstwin Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 06:54 PM
Browneyes-

It's possible that your work (or his if you are on his benefits) has an Employee Assistance Program. Sometimes these will offer you a free consultation with a lawyer. I did that when I was figuring out my options. You might also check with a women's law group or organization. These usually help women in situations like these.

Your county courthouse may have a family law clerk who can help you with some of the paperwork for a legal separation agreement.

If you have a home church, call your pastor and see if there is a lawyer in your church who could refer you to someone.

In my state, the legal separation agreement started from the day my XH left (June) not the day the papers were filed. All the debt he incurred after June was his, not mine.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 06:55 PM
He is trying to manipulate you and so far, you are letting him. Comments like "you are stupid" are meant to degrade you and tear you down. You can not let this happen. If I were you, I would just cease ALL communication with him at this point. It sounds a bit too far gone at this point. HE IS JERKING YOU AROUND...

With your next paycheck, go and open up an account solely in your name. Go speak with the attorneys and like another posted said, get the real facts.

If he wants the OW, let her have him... He is not worth your sanity or your happiness. But, by all means, stand up for yourself.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 07:07 PM
well he is all for the divorse, yesterday he said he was just going through something and could I give him time.
Ouch like I needed that.
I contacted a lawyer who said file today, but my courthouse says help only available Mondays andThursdays.
I told him since this is hie fault he should file and he says he has to work, not his problem and if I don't refinance we will be sunk.
I understand what he is saying about reducing our monthly bills, but I don't trust him and don't want to make this easy on him.
I appriciate all the advise I am getting, but I love this stupid fog induvced idiot and I want his to tell me he made a mistake and wants me back. I want him to beg and cry and say he is sorry.
Please don't tell me that will or will not happen, I can't tke it.
Posted By: Ragamuffin Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 07:14 PM
Quote
He is trying to manipulate you and so far, you are letting him. Comments like "you are stupid" are meant to degrade you and tear you down. You can not let this happen. If I were you, I would just cease ALL communication with him at this point. It sounds a bit too far gone at this point. HE IS JERKING YOU AROUND...


Read and repeat!

What would you do if you weren't afraid?

Knowledge is POWER, please consult with an attorney about your rights!
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 07:40 PM
ARE YOU LISTENING TO YOURSELF???
Listen, I am another OW--not your husband's of course but I WAS an OW and I realize I may not be in the correct position to be giving you advice, but common sense is common sense. They all say "give me some time", "I don't know what to do"--he is just keeping you on the side line in case things with his OW doesn't work.

DO NOT REFINANCE YOUR HOME OR ANYTHING ELSE. This is what he is wanting you to do and he is in no position to "ask" anything of you. YOU DO WHAT IS BEST FOR YOU AND YOUR KIDS...

STOP TALKING TO THE JERK AND PROTECT YOURSELF LEGALLY. End of story with refinance. Distance yourself from this man and let him go his own way.

Now, as far as working things out--he will probably do what he wants to do and when things don't work out with his OW, he may come crawling back to you. Hopefully, by this time you will have seen the light and realized that you do not need this poison in your life.

RESPECT yourself because he is not going to. DO NOT give your power away to this POS and do what LOGIC tells you to do--
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 07:46 PM
Oh, and I forgot to mention: WHO GIVES A RAT'S BUTT WHAT HE WANTS????
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 08:36 PM
It is so hard to talk to him, so I have asked him to stop caaling and twxting me.
She lives in another state and is married with kids, they haven't seen eachother in over 24 years.
I looked her up and she lives in a huge house, hot tub sailboat ect...
He says this has nothing to do with her and that he will not contact her again, but it isn't why he was unhappy with me.
I told him no refinance and he gets angry and says mean things, so I am sure it really is over this time.
Last time he was in a pa with contact everyday, but he was only out of the house for 3 days before he begged to come home.
This time he is renting an apartment, buying things and sure this is what he wants.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 08:43 PM
OK. So, if this is what he wants, it's what he wants. Let him have it.
I'm not sure if I buy the "he's not seeing her thing". He's gone to all the trouble of getting an apartment for some reason.

You have to ask yourself why is he getting so angry because you won't refinance... Something is not right with that. He probably just wants to do that so he will have more money in his pocket. It can not be good FOR YOU. Just for him.

And, you can not just ASK him to stop contacting you--you are going to have to be proactive.

Remember, self preservation comes first and foremost.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 08:44 PM
Browneyes...

I hear you saying that you love him and want him back...If that is what you want, then let's get to work on killing this affair...EXPOSE...To EVERYONE...In one fell swoop...Do NOT forget the OW's side of the fence...What do you know about her? Try going to www.intellius.com and seeing what you can find out...Her husband/boyfriend must know and her parents for sure...What do you say BrownEyes?

Mrs. W
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 08:46 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
It is so hard to talk to him, so I have asked him to stop caaling and twxting me.
She lives in another state and is married with kids, they haven't seen eachother in over 24 years.
I looked her up and she lives in a huge house, hot tub sailboat ect...
He says this has nothing to do with her and that he will not contact her again, but it isn't why he was unhappy with me.
I told him no refinance and he gets angry and says mean things, so I am sure it really is over this time.
Last time he was in a pa with contact everyday, but he was only out of the house for 3 days before he begged to come home.
This time he is renting an apartment, buying things and sure this is what he wants.

EXPOSE to her husband...IMMEDIATELY...Do NOT listen to ANYTHING that comes out of the mouth of your WH...NOTHING...

Mrs. W
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 08:49 PM
Like I said before she lives in a diferant state far awy and he has never been away overnight or even for hours without me knowing.
I did the intelegence thing and got her address, but no home phone listed.
I wrote an email to his father uncle and sister telling them whats going on and asking them to not support his desition but they are his family.
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 09:10 PM
I think you really need to go into a good Plan B and stop talking to the guy. REFUSE to refi your home. I doubt that this is going to last. The guy has flipped out.

Take excellent care of YOU, and stop taking his calls. He can't refi without your permission.

You need to protect your finances and your HEART.

My ex went through hundreds of thousands of dollars, all of our retirement money, and after 3 and a half years, the affair ended. He blew the money like there was no tomorrow. Now he is alone and miserable. But I failed to protect myself and our finances.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 09:32 PM
O know I need to plan b, but I miss him so much.He was my best friend and my husband, we talked about everything and went out together , made love I didn't do anything wrong, not a big spender, don'y drink or do drugs, ccok, clean laugh, I am so lost without him, but I know I have to give him up for my own sanity, it just hurts too much to bear
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 09:34 PM
Oh by the way I called his dad and told him about the affair, he didn't believe me at first said Ron told him it wasn't another women he just isn't happy anymore
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 09:52 PM
Browneyes - You need to STOP feeling emotional and do the things that will save your marriage. You must get a plan.

Yep, you miss him and are lost without him, but he is freakin nuts.

If you are depressed, go get help so that you can formulate and stick with a plan. The guy is not your friend, and YOU need to be the one to step up to the plate.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 10:17 PM
Okay so I found her husbands business online and called him, I told him I was sorry to tell him, but his wire is having an affair with my husband of 25 years.
I told him they went to high school together and she called him about a year ago and they have been calling and texting alot ever since.
He said I am sorry for you, but she left me a year ago, our divorce was final 2 weeks ago and she is planning on moving back to California.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 10:21 PM
BE...

Call him back and get OW's parents phone number - call them and let them know what is going on...They need to know what their daughter is doing!

Mrs. W
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 10:34 PM
Her parents live here, and she is moving here to be with my husband, why would they care, the obviously raise a women without morals
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 10:43 PM
BrownEyes - You gotta pull up your big girl panties and fight for your marriage. This affair has zero chance of surviving.

I thought she must be moving to be with your hubby. What a trainwreck!!!!!!!!!! They haven't seen each other for years, they are maaaaddddddlllllllllly in love, and this affair ain't going nowhere.

Hubby is way out there. YOU need to be the one to think rationally.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 10:50 PM
ITA!
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 10:54 PM
Wow, pull up my big girl panties huh. WEll its hard when you are blindsided.
I wish I had done something wrong so that I understood, I wish he was an acoholic or mean, or something, but he's not he is confused and I love the jerk.
Don't get me wrong, I don't think he will come home. but he did ask me if he did how would I ever trust him again.
I told him we obviously weren't meeting each otheres needs and that if I did let him come home I would be checking his cell, email ect...
I understand that he got a high from her and he shouldn't have let that hapen, but I can't let her move here and ruin my life
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 11:00 PM
You are the only one thinking rationally. And YES, you were blindsided. But you need to fight for your marriage. Batten down the hatches, and let hubby suffer the consequences of his decisions.

The OW may move there, yeah, all the fantasy things. But this is never gonna last.

I suggest you go buy some popcorn and watch what happens next.
Posted By: MrsWondering Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 11:12 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
Her parents live here, and she is moving here to be with my husband, why would they care, the obviously raise a women without morals

I wouldn't be so sure about that BE...I am a FWW whose mother went BALLISTIC when she found out...She and Mr. W are responsible for busting up the affair - they plotted together and the affair ended THE SAME DAY that my mother called OM (she knew him since we had grown up together - you guessed it - old high school boyfriend)...Mr. W and my mom saved me AND our family from ME...I will be eternally grateful to them for that...I was raised with morals, and though I did abandon them for a short while, they are BACK with a VENGEANCE...

Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it. Proverbs 22:6

Call her parents BE, you just never know...

Mrs. W
Posted By: womanoffaith5 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/23/09 11:46 PM
Look, I know how horrible this is, we all do. You are among your sisters right now!!

He is saying he wants a D, he has an apartment, he bought furniture, etc. But NONE of that means your M is over. It really doesnā€™t. My WxH signed a 1 year lease on an apartment, and 6months later he was trying to get out of it. His apartment experience was the most miserable time for him. He was used to a home, with a wife and kids, and big yard. But he was determined to prove to everyone, and to himself, that he really was ā€œdoneā€ with our M. He had moved on, hadnā€™t been happy for years, same old crap. After 6 months, he ended up charging $1500 on our joint credit card to get out of his apartment lease so he could move in with OW#2. He thought the apartment, with the pool, would be this great happy single life. It was not.

Your WH is not trying to escape from you ā€“ he is trying to escape from his whole life. He wants to escape from responsibility, from finances, from himself. Right now, he thinks he has made the quick, easy getaway. But it isnā€™t quick, and it isnā€™t easy.

If he had truly been unhappy for 10 years, he would have made a much better plan than this. He would have put his finances in better order; he would have set himself up for a better place to live. He would have put aside money for an attorney, and he would know how to set up a D. But he has not done any of that stuff, and he thinks he is too ā€œbusy with workā€ to file for D. That is the stupidest thing I have ever heard. If he felt that a D was the right thing to do ā€“ he would do it.

You will talk to people ā€“ his family, mutual friends, who will tell you that ā€œit is really over, he has made up his mindā€, but that is not true. I am certain that he THINKS it is over at this point. He has probably convinced himself that this is ā€œall for the bestā€ right now. But tomorrow is a different day, and the next day different again.

Get busy reading ā€“ Surviving an Affair, Divorce Busters, etc. it helps to keep your mind occupied, and to come up with a positive plan. But donā€™t try to teach him anything. He is not ready to learn just yet. He is only ready to fall flat on his face right now.

By the way ā€“ your WH and this OW are CLEARLY planning to move in together. That is why she is moving to California. Anyone can see that. And right now they think this is going to be a happy happy life living in this apartment. I feel sorry for your poopy WH, because he is in for a huge surprise. This is not going to work out the way they think it will. Not at all. Yikes.

Please, take care of yourself. Take care of your finances. And quit trying to talk sense with him. He is really sick right now, and not capable of making sense.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 12:11 AM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
I appriciate all the advise I am getting, but I love this stupid fog induvced idiot and I want his to tell me he made a mistake and wants me back. I want him to beg and cry and say he is sorry.
Please don't tell me that will or will not happen, I can't tke it.
BE, speaking from a psychological standpoint, there is only ONE way he will become that man who begs you to let him come back - if you cut ties with him for the time being, do NOTHING he is asking you to do, take control of your finances and DO NOT let him have access to the bank accounts, and get on with your life. Show him you CAN live without him, whether you want to or not (that's irrelevant).

Hire the lawyer. Hire a PI to find any proof of an affair, and to find contact info on the OW. And then expose.

The ONLY way he will want you back is if you stand strong. I know it's hard, but you ARE strong!
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 02:06 AM
I don't know her maiden name and she has been married many times,
Her x said she is selling the house to move back here, but she has lived in Washington for 25 years.
I know I have to cut contact with him, but I can't stand the thought of her actually moving here and living with him.
That I promise I will never forgive.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 02:53 AM
I don't know for sure that she is moving here, her x said she was talking about it.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 02:55 AM
I don't knpw for sure if she is moving here, that is just what her x said she told him she might do
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 02:56 AM
Right now, what he OR she is doing is irrelevant. What matters is that you protect yourself and your kids.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 03:30 AM
I do understand that I need to protect myself and my kids, it's just we have been here before and I keep hoping with no contact with her (it has been 3 days now) he will see what is real.
I know I can't have false hope and I need to get on with my life, and how to ever trust again ect..., but I know this man sooo well and I can't believe he will be happy in this mess he is making.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 04:59 AM
That's because this man isn't your H! He is an addict, an alien. Your H is buried in there somewhere, but whatever this man says is pure hogwash.
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 05:53 AM
Wow just wow.... Can I B-Slap him for you?

Honey I know this is beyond excruciating. YOu gotta go DARK before you loose yourself.

If you need an Intermediary I would definatly use one...he won't like it but oh well he wanted it this way. Sucks for him. Like I said I am only 1.5 hoirs away. I've been a MBer since '04...I'm willing to help if it's needed...just say the word.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 06:19 AM
So basically what your saying is he is lying to me and I should stop talking to him?
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 06:42 AM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
So basically what your saying is he is lying to me and I should stop talking to him?

Hi Browneyes,

Let's put it this way. WS's like to re-write marital history. I'll give you an example.

Mine started with: 2 years ago he was unhappy (this was before the separation). Gradually, it became a longer and longer amount of time.

Now he has it pegged at a year after we were married he realized I was an ogre that mentally abused him, etc. etc. etc.

Nevermind that that was around the time ODS decided he wanted to live with us and we went to court and all of that so that he could. And I agreed to it even though we were still newlyweds.

In the first place, he didn't need me for ODS to come and live with him. And I was SO TERRIBLE!!! OMG!!! Yet I stood up for him in court so his son could stay with us.

Oh, but that was ALL me, now. I was the one who wanted ODS with us, etc. It's really insane.

That's just one example. There are many, many, many others.

Just wanted to let you know.

Hang in there.

Charlotte
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 07:24 AM
Okay so I am stupid he asked if he could call after work and I said okay, thought about not answering, but instead sat a waited by the stupid phone, he called and was like so what do you want to talk about.
He still says this isn't about her it is about us and he isn't happy, very confused, just needs time, ect...
But he did want to talk about the money, refinance, ect...
I told him look I love you so much and there is nothing in the world I would like more than to have you home, I can't believe for a minute that you can be happy without us, and I hope when you are ready I still want you.
Then I told him that I can't keep hoping hell come back so it is best if for now he doesn't call me anymore.
Hardest thing ever, it hurts so bad, but I can't keep doing this.
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 02:21 PM
It doesn't surprise me that he wants to talk about how HE can get money to finance his fantasy.

Stop trying to talk sense to him. That just drives him away. You are trying to reason with a crazy person.

Don't refi. Chances are excellent that he will be back. And it is easier to recover if they haven't spent all your money. That is one reason I divorced my ex and never wanted to get back with him. It was too hard to overcome. When the money was gone, so was the OW, and he still to this day doesn't believe that she just wanted a fantasy life.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 03:33 PM
First of all, I know that some of the replies you get are hard to take but you can't get defensive. Everyone here is just trying to help you through this... It is hard.

Second, do you hear what you are telling him??? In essence you're saying "Sure, call me" "Sure, I'll wait by the phone and talk to you" "Sure, I love you and just come on back anytime you're ready" "Sure, I'll be here waiting for you". This is feeding him and assuring him.

You have GOT to step back and stop talking to this fool. There is an underlying reason that he wants to refinance the house. Now, I don't know if OW is moving in with him or not. But, the possibility is that she is or maybe she's "thinking" about it but not sure. Maybe that is why he is being so wishy-washy. Who knows?

Put yourself first and foremost...your mental health, your finances, your well being and stop worrying about his. Stop feeding and supporting HIS fantasy life. It just sounds to me like he is trying to pull something on you...
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 03:48 PM
Yes, Dawn, trying to get her to see that the situation is very hopeful if she can just slow down and not follow her emotions all over the place. Although that is exactly how I was too.

Hubby needed to protect his boundaries. All along there has been this fantasy starting to grow - a reunion with somebody from highschool, who apparently isn't a very good bet for a relationship.

She may just want to move to California and could be using Mr. BE, who knows? But he has fallen hook, line and sinker. He is in danger of sinking the family boat, and that is hard to overcome.

So if we can just walk BE through the shock of this, I think she will be fine.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 03:49 PM
You're doing the right thing. Call the phone company and see how you can stop him from calling you.

Then go to the bank and let them know what he's doing, and see if they will set it up so that he can't take any money out without your permission. Or just open another account and move the money now!
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 04:13 PM
Again I understand what ypu guys are saying, but he says we have alot of debt I didn't know about and if we don't refinance and clear it up we will default.
He has always been a spender.
I don't know anything about spousal support or alimony, but he says if I refinance he will sign a legal binding paper to give me $2000 a month, thats almost half of his take home pay.
I told him how I feel. because I am going to plan b and I didn't want 24 years to end with me being mean or emotional, I just told him I hope its not too late when he changes his mind, but in my heart I know it will be.
I just pray I get the chance to throw this back in his face and send him away.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 04:30 PM
Wow. He is really wanting the refinance thing really badly. There shouldn't be any debt that you aren't aware of. This in itself is deceipt. You should be fully aware of any debt. Is it HIS debt or joint debt? I'm just guessing but it sounds like he wants to refinance to get "extra" money to pay off "debts that you don't know about" which may or may not be there. Maybe he wants the "extra" money to buy another house for him and OW??? Who knows? But, at this point you can not just have trust in what he is telling you. Make him "prove" the debt that you do not know about. And, even then it is not a good idea to refinance. He is wanting this really badly.

I don't know alot about alimony or spousal support either but you still have a 15yr that he would have to provide child support to... You have to ask yourself why would he be willing to give you half of his take home pay? How could he ever afford to do that if he has all this "extra debt" that you don't know about anyway?

And, even if you did decide to go this route, I would get the agreement in writing BEFORE doing anything. I still don't believe that refinancing is the answer to anything except for maybe getting him some extra money for whatever reason.

It is not a good idea and I wouldn't do it.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 04:42 PM
I understand again what you are saying, but he says that we owe more monthly than we can pay because of his apartment.
He says he deserves to have a place to live and I agree.
He says that we will never be able to afford to keep the house if we don't
He also says he got a great rate and in the long run we will be saving alot of money.
He only has about 21/2 years of child support, my other 2 live here, but are older.
He swears that he is so sorry he has to do this, but he does and this is the only way to come out of it financally oky.
I told him I read that in a divorce I get half his retirement and if needed I can pay taxes and cash it now and that will hold me over.
He says if I do that we will loose alot of money do to the current market and taxes and he will not deed me the house.
If I do this he will sign the house over to me and give me $2000 a month in support.
Posted By: jayne241 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 04:48 PM
Quote
he says we have alot of debt I didn't know about and if we don't refinance and clear it up we will default.
He has always been a spender.

DON'T refinance without talking to a lawyer. A lawyer will tell you for sure whether or not it's in YOUR best interests. A lawyer will know whether his secret debts will affect you. Talk to a lawyer. Call more than one - see if your employee benefits offer any assistance - call family, friends and acquaintances (you can expose at the same time) and ask if they know anyone who will offer the first consultation for free.

Call as many lawyers as you can think of, call the best, meanest, most expensive lawyers, IMMEDIATELY. If you talk to them, even if you don't end up hiring them, if you just talk to them then they can't be hired by your H. At least that's what I've heard.

And BTW:

Quote
I was reading some posts while he was here and he sakd, look up the ones where the husband never comes home, they can't all have happy endings.

No they don't all come home but that doesn't mean it isn't a happy ending. Dancing is having a very happy ending. And a long time ago in a whole nuther lifetime, I was a suicidal BW who thought there was absolutely no reason to live, I didn't even have kids to live for. Since then, WOW my life has been soooooo rich.... good times and bad, but mostly good.... I woulda missed all that.

The life I have now is so much better without XWH. I have a much much better faithful DH now.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 04:49 PM
You cannot do anything until you clear it with a good, tough attorney. Find one NOW and go over everything with them.

This attorney is MANDATORY if you are thinking of doing ANYTHING financial at this point!!!!.

1. An Attorney will help you get everything in writing
2. This Attorney will make sure the $2000.00 a month he promises is even legal
3. An attorney will make sure the husband DOES put the home in your name.
4. They will make sure the extra money goes toward DEBTS you guys actually have and NOT a home or gifts for the other woman.
5. They will also advise you on what to do in case of divorce or separation.

PLEASE DO NOT DO ANYTHING NOW. DO NOT SIGN ANYTHING NOW, BUT GET AN ATTORNEY RIGHT NOW!!!!!! YOU REALLY NEED ONE.

As Jayne says, get several attorney opinions. If you have never hired an attorney before, this is the TIME TO GET ONE.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 04:51 PM
JAYNE!!!!

Great minds think alike!!!!

kiss
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 05:00 PM
AGREED...You need legal help IMMEDIATELY...

Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 05:20 PM
Okay well this is Saturday so on Monday I will do that, I promise.
I really believe he is gone this time and that is why I can't plan a anymore.
I am a mess. that is what he would see if I let him see or talk to me.
I didn't cry while on the phone with him last night, even when his other phone (that was my imagination) rang while we were talking.
I have to cut all contact with him for my own sanity, I asked that he not call or come over and if he needs something he can call the boys.
Then I shut my cell off.
I know I should be plan a, but too hard, I know he knows my strenghts and weeknesses so there is nothing left to do, but pray he misses me and see's the light or that God will give me the strength to be okay.
I really thank all of you for being here for me, I feel like such a failure that I am having a hard time talking to my friends and family about all this.
I can't even imagine if I can go to my sons baseball games if he is there, is it fair to ask him not to come, or just not tell him when they are.
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 05:44 PM
Don't make the mistake I did and let him get all the money. Half of his retirement is yours, half the equity in the home, and he will have to pay child support.

You can look up your credit report online for free once a year, but I forget where. That should show your bills unless he has gambling debts or owes the OW.

Hang onto your house and money. He is not thinking right. Who in there right mind would get their own apartment when they can't afford it? And all to impress his fantasy girlfriend!

I ended up with half of what was left, which was NOTHING. My ex got me to let him have all of our assets to finance the affair. We raised 8 kids together and had planned to retire and travel. That dream is GONE. He is alone and miserable, and I am alone and happy.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 06:12 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
I understand again what you are saying, but he says that we owe more monthly than we can pay because of his apartment.
He says he deserves to have a place to live and I agree.
He says that we will never be able to afford to keep the house if we don't
He also says he got a great rate and in the long run we will be saving alot of money.
He only has about 21/2 years of child support, my other 2 live here, but are older.
He swears that he is so sorry he has to do this, but he does and this is the only way to come out of it financally oky.
I told him I read that in a divorce I get half his retirement and if needed I can pay taxes and cash it now and that will hold me over.
He says if I do that we will loose alot of money do to the current market and taxes and he will not deed me the house.
If I do this he will sign the house over to me and give me $2000 a month in support.
PLEASE don't do this! He is NOT your husband! This man is an alien, and a LIAR! He is counting on how nice you are, expecting you to not be able to be mean to him! He is setting up a love nest for him and OW! The ONLY way he will ever come home is if you make it as hard as possible for him to carry on the affair! PLEASE don't sign anything or agree to anything! Tell him if he wants anything, he can SEE YOUR LAWYER!

ETA: He deserves a place to live? He HAS a place to live; HIS choice to give it up and try to be a Don Juan, to relive his youth. HIS choice. So he can figure out how to pay for it. Let him get a second job if he wants it so much.

Personally I would never tell him a single thing more about the boys.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 09:25 PM
Well today I called the bank to make sure he couldn't touch my savings account in my name only and found out he has been bouncing checks all over.
Had to call, how do you nc with someone when there are issues like this.
He says he made a mistake and his dad has given him money to furnish apartment ect... he just bought a 3 year gym membership with a credit card, he says now the account is up to date and we a re okay for about 9 days.
I didn't want to talk to him, but I didn't need this added stress. while on the phone our 15 year old son came in the room, hasn't seen his dad since the move, and they are going to go out to lunch,, ouch.
I put the rest of his things in the garage and told him please take them, but do not come in the house.
Now I am hiding in my room so I don't have to see him, can't take it.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 09:41 PM
(((browneyes)))

Whatever you do, don't give him money! I predict he'll be asking you within the week. "If you won't refinance, you OWE me some money so I'll have a place to live."

puke
Posted By: RareMamaJewel Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 09:56 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
Again I understand what ypu guys are saying, but he says we have alot of debt I didn't know about and if we don't refinance and clear it up we will default.
He has always been a spender.
I don't know anything about spousal support or alimony, but he says if I refinance he will sign a legal binding paper to give me $2000 a month, thats almost half of his take home pay.
I told him how I feel. because I am going to plan b and I didn't want 24 years to end with me being mean or emotional, I just told him I hope its not too late when he changes his mind, but in my heart I know it will be.
I just pray I get the chance to throw this back in his face and send him away.

He's up to no good. doesn't matter if he signs a legal paper. You can't throw him in jail if he doesn't pay. You can only sue him in court for it.

But if you refinance with him, you're on the hook to the lender for all the monies borrowed right along with him. Why would you consider taking on a legal obligation to repay more $$$ for debts you aren't aware of? heck, the $$$ probably went for OW anyway. So what if he signs a legal binding contract? He's already done that on his marriage certificate and he didn't abide by that.



Not saying that you have to get a D, but please get legal counsel on how to protect yourself financially while you do plan B. Don't sign any obligations. In fact, tell him that to even consider refinancing you want him to sit down in front of you at your computer and get download his credit report from each credit reporting agency. That way, you get to see exactly what debts he has in his name without him having the opportunity to alter the reports.

I'd also recommend that you get your reports asap. That way you know if you've been a victim of fraud at his or anybody else's hands.

When people are cheating, they do the craziest things. I've known couples where the waywards and their affair partners took out debt "jointly" under the married couples names. The betrayed spouses were floored that the AP actually used their identity to open joint accounts with their cheating spouses. Talk about a legal nightmare. The betrayeds had to go and sign affidavits that it wasn't their debt and that they were victims of fraud.

You've got to protect yourself and make sure he isn't taking out debts in your name without your permission. Also, find out what obligations he will have to you. Some states just split everything 50/50. Others allow alimony. Be informed so you can make good decisions on how to proceed.




Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 10:32 PM
I know it is just so fu... hard to beleive that this man who I have loved for over half of my life could not only hurt me like this, but lie...
I will see a lawyer on Monday.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 11:09 PM
Well I woke up this morning feeling okay, and then he came to take my son to lunch and I found him in the garage taking more of his stuff, tried to be happy, told him I miss him am worried about money please think about what your doing, and he said I am always angry, never happy and he needs to get away. He says you come into this life alone and when you die you are alone.

I told him when you come into this life you have 2 loving parents and if you play your cards right when you die you have your loving family.
Jurting worse then ever my soul just had its final crack
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 11:18 PM
he just texted me and said he is just one person in my life and I will be fine, he says he is just selfish.
I texted back and said no refinance if you want to make our kids loose their house than do it
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 11:26 PM
Browneyes. Stop expecting him to do ANYTHING for you. He is trying to take advantage and will do whatever to get more money for his affair. Then I will tell you exactly what will happen. The OW, who he will insist doesn't have the slightest interest in your money will help him blow whatever equity you have in your home, any savings, and his retirement if he can get at it.

Then the affair will end, and hubby will be back, and you and he will get to work forever just to get back to where you are now. You will end up resentful that everything you worked for is gone.

Tell him you won't refi - he can get 3 jobs, and the OW can get 2.

And please, please go see a doc so you can settle down and fight this threat to your family.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/24/09 11:46 PM
I think the worse part is my kids listen to him and he said he sked me to change, go to the gym with him, he never asked not one time. I told him I wanted to join and he said wait until his membership was over and we would rejoin together.
Well he just rejoined alone again.
I cried my self out threw up bubbles (no food) and tried to watch tv with my kids, they can't stand me either right now
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 12:10 AM
BE,

You need to try and get something in your stomach. Please do not do what I did. I could not eat and it got to the point where I was millimeters away from calling 911.

I was so sick...and this happened in August 2007...I tried to call WH to pick me up from my g'ma's where I was taking care of her, or trying to, anyway.

Well, no answer. I was so sick and weak I barely made it home. When I did I had to go straight to the bathroom and throw up. I couldn't walk more than a few feet before dizziness made me need to lie down or throw up.

I made it to the couch. WH came in to "check" on me--probably to make sure I wasn't going to interrupt the IM session :RollieEyes: --and brought me a bucket.

If I even moved a FINGER I would throw up. I couldn't move. Could not move at all. Forget eating and drinking. And when I would retch and/or vomit, it felt like I was going to heave up my liver.

It was really bad. To be fair now, WH did do small things, bring cool rags, etc. But always right back to IM with Slag.

How I made it to the bedroom is beyond me. Sleep was ragged. In the a.m. he got ready for work and I had the worst vomiting session yet.

I apologized for being sick...how stupid is that? :RollieEyes:

He said, "It wasn't that bad." faint :RollieEyes:

Hello? I was thisclose to calling 911 for an IV drip. I knew they would probably take me to the hospital, though, and I sure as hell didn't want that!! That would have given the adulterers a chance to run off. Or whatever.

Have me committed. They talked about it, that's for sure. I saw that with my own eyes.

Anyway, long story short (Too late!!)--I managed to crawl back out to the couch that morning. I called the doctor. WH-Gray called and offered to come home from work to take me. But I still couldn't walk more than a few feet without the dizziness and horrible nausea.

I declined. I slowly made my way to the kitchen and got some chicken broth and some crackers and tried to get my stomach to accept food.

It was a long, arduous process. But finally I was able to keep food down.

Whatever you do, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE...I know you don't feel like eating but at least drink some broth, bouillon, stock... something with a little nourishment in it. Get some Pedialyte. My Mom got some for me, she didn't know about the A yet but had her suspicions...it tastes really awful (poor babies!! Yikes!) but if you water it down a little it's okay.

Just do that, at least. Get something on your stomach so your system isn't totally out of whack.

Just do it. And I want to thank you for making me remember that day because I need to remind Mom about this for court. I'm sure she remembers trying to get me to eat.

Take care,

Charlotte


Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 12:26 AM
Can you go to the emergency room and get some help? You are not getting that this can get better.
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 01:48 AM
You need to just stop talking to him.....what was the point of going into the garage while he was there? you are setting yourself up for more pain everytime you break the boundry you know you need to keep. for today....turn off the phone cell and home. lock the doors. lights off. go out if need be. kids turn off phones.....everyone needs a break especially you. he can suffer with not getting his fix. Because you know thats what he's getting from this right?
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 06:49 AM
I know I know, at the end of all this today I told him to leave me alone, and he is, that hurts too. There is just no winning.
I tried to eat tonight but just got sick.
I won't talk to him again and I will see a lawyer on monday, and my doctor too, I know I need help with this, I can't do it alone.
I am a strong beautiful women. I work at SAfeway and people tell me all the time what a nice smile I have, but I will never ever trust a man again. NOt him or anyone else, so I guess I do get to be alone.
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 06:53 AM
I highly suggest from here on out you use an intermediary....someone who can filter out the excrament.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 06:58 AM
Well that easy enough he talks to all 3 of our kids, when he feels like it, tried to tell them my faults and why he needs to be happy.
By the way he says he didn't spend anything on furnishing his dad gave him $1000 to help out.
Great right, I called him yesterday to expose and he didn't believe me.
I told my husband if money is so bad why don't you ask him for more
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 10:11 AM
*Hits buzzer* EHHHH wrong....don't put the kids in the middle of the warzone with white flags....thats one way to alienate them from you. do you have any friends there who would be willing to step in to an intermediary role?

Secondly you need to stop focusing on him....focus on you right now. you need to be fighting like a lioness protecting her cubs. Your husband is alien to you...an outsider....outsiders try to come into a pride and change everything and rule by there will. Time to fight back and protect your pride from the outsider.

Find an intermidiary...and stop fighting in front of and using the children as the messangers.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 01:27 PM
Talking to him is making you sick and putting you back to square one...Solution? Don't talk to him--
Asking him to not contact you is not working? Solution...Make it to where he can't contact you.
Seeing him is hurting you? Solution...DON'T see him and especially don't tell him you miss him???? Huh? Even if you do, you shouldn't let him be assured of this.
And, my thing is...What is up with this guy and money? Something serious...bouncing checks? Borrowing money from dad? Getting a 3 year gym membership when he doesn't have any money? Debts you don't know about? What is going on with all that?
Maybe you should sit down with all your kids and just explain to them what is going on... WH is telling them things to turn them against you it sounds like. They are all grown and you should be able to talk to them.
I know you're sick to your stomach but you do need to try to get something to eat...any little something. Even if it's just some saltines--the salt on them helps nausea.
Good luck with the lawyer tomorrow. I hope you do go see one--you need protection from this man.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 01:58 PM
Have you told your children yet that he's having an affair? IF you are following the Marriage Builders program, the Harleys tell you that you HAVE to tell your kids the truth. They NEED to know the truth.

Who else have you told? You do know the number one step to take is to expose the affair, right? You need to tell as many people as possible, all at once. And call his dad back and tell him HOW you know.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 04:52 PM
Look I have talked to his dad and he says phone calls text and email is not an affair, wh is just not happy with you.
AS far as the kids go. he was saying his good byes to them and explaining to them why he is gone, and when they tell me I try to explain about fog ect...
I know this isn't my husband, but I can't change what he is doing with the boys.
They are all men too and they all think dad will be home soon and I should let him have this time.
To them ea is nothing also.
I am not putting them in the middle of a war, I have told them that I was blindsided, didn't think anything was wrong with our marriage and now we all have to find a way to survive this.
AS for the esating, I actually ate last night and have been throwing up ever since.
AS for the money, he has always been a big spender, goes through money like water.
I have always been a saver, and in the last year he has needed most of my savings and I didn't see it coming.
I always thought okay times are tough, he makes less than before, gas and everything else is expensive we will get through this.
Now looking back I told him last year lets save, I don't need presents, how about mussy cards telling me how much you love me, so guess what, no presents and mussy cards full of lies.
I have to talk to a lawyer about the money, I have been taken care of all my life and I guess it is time for this 49 year old women to grow up.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 05:05 PM
You are 49? Wow. You deserve to have a great life. Life is too short.

I would go to the Dr and find out why you are puking. There is something wrong.

If you don't start babying yourself, being good to yourself and taking good care of yourself who will?

Please treat yourself like you would one of your children.

1. QUIT thinking about your husband for today or a couple days.
2. Get some good food cooked and slowly eat it
3. Play calm music and relax when you eat.
4. Start thinking how you would live WITHOUT a man.
5. Call and get some counseling appts lined up
6. Learn not to be needy, emotionally or otherwise.
7. Figure out who YOU are and what YOU like to do in life
8. Eat nice snacks throught the day.
9. Yogurt, cheese, crackers, hot chocolate, soup, spaghetti, casseroles, hamburger, have all this around the house ready for you to heat up and eat.
10. Pretend you are a needy baby and you need to take care of yourself gently like you would a small infant.

YOU WOULD NEVER STARVE AN INFANT WOULD YOU?


It is too long you have not had a strong and beautiful identity for yourself apart from a man. Maybe this is a chance for you to develop one. Go thru it with bravery, courage, and gritted teeth. You are going to learn to strengthen your self esteem so you wont freak out at anything in life.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 05:07 PM
Another thing:

YOU ARE STARVING YOURSELF

YOU ARE FREAKING YOURSELF OUT

YOU BEING IN CONSTANT ANXIETY

YOU ARE PUNISHING YOUR BODY

YOU ARE THINKING ABOUT HIM CONSTANTLY

ALL THIS PAIN YOU ARE BRINGING ON YOURSELF IN ADDITION TO THE NORMAL PAIN YOU FEEL AT HIS BETRAYAL:

WILL NOT RESULT IN ANY CHANGES TO THE SITUATION.

ALL THIS WILL NOT RESULT IN HIM COMING BACK AND THINGS GOING BACK TO NORMAL.


SO PLEASE QUIT DOING THIS TO YOURSELF HONEY! IT IS A WASTE!

YOU ARE PRECIOUS AND NEED TO CARE FOR YOURSELF AS IF YOU LOVE YOURSELF!
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 05:19 PM
Who else have you told about his affair?
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 05:35 PM
I have told everyone, and I know he's not coming back, don't even know if I could let him, I know I need to eat, I know I know I know.
I can't explain the marriage I had with him, it was so beautiful and I will never trust a man with my heart again.
He is jusr going to have to accept what he is done and I truley hope he's happy, but I don't want to know about it.
My boys are my life now, and I will try to be strong, but right now I can't eat, when I try I get sick.
I pray and I am not being listened to.
My dad was a minister and he taught me to always be kind and loving and that everything happens for a reason, but this time I guess the reason just doesn't make since to me.
I know people have it worse than me in alot of ways, and I pray I will be okay, but right now I am mourning the fact that the last 1/2 of my life has been a lie and now I will be alone forever with the pain that I let someone else take a strong women and crush her into nothing
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 05:40 PM
I pray and I am not being listened to.

Honey, i know you feel you are not being listened to. i know you feel this way. But sometimes our own feelings lie to us.

I can tell you from everything I have learned in life that:

God is listening to your prayers
God loves you
God has things to show you
God will not instantly wipe out our pain but will bring the lesson to us.

So the black clouds are blocking you from God right now. But HE is still there!

Hang on to that! HE IS THERE even if you DO NOT FEEL HIM!
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 07:43 PM
Well trying to be okay today, best I can hope for and my 15 year old asked for my safeway club card number for his e script at school (fund raising for baseball)
I gave him the info and he asked me what my last name is.
Ouch ouch ouch hadn't even thought of that one yet
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 08:06 PM
Browneyes - You are not thinking right, probably because you are still in shock. The rest of us can see it.

To think that hubby is permanently gone, that he is going to toss everything for a fantasy is unrealistic.

He is temporarily INSANE. If his dad can't see that, I don't know what to say. Come on, we are in a RECESSION, people are losing their homes. What normal person would go on a spending spree, move away from their wife, and try to mortgage everything? It is like a drug addict trying to get their fix.

Let him fall on his face. But please don't let him drown you in the process. Have you attempted any of the self care that Stella suggested?
Posted By: Lady_Clueless Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 08:12 PM
Quote
I know people have it worse than me in alot of ways, and I pray I will be okay, but right now I am mourning the fact that the last 1/2 of my life has been a lie and now I will be alone forever with the pain that I let someone else take a strong women and crush her into nothing


Ues, right now you are in the depths of grief, but you DO need to take care of yourself, so that you can be there for your boys! You do NOT want any OW trying to take your place with them!

You can AGAIN become a strong woman.

Do NOT pay any attention to what your WH SAYS.

PROTECT yourself and your finances.

ORDER a credit report for both you and your WH and FIND OUT what is going on with the money.

The next time your husband tells you that you are going to lose the house unless you refinance, tell him that you should NOT have to change your lifestyle or home because HE wants to rut in the affair pigpen that is his apartment. Tell him that he HAS a home, but you are not going to finance his affair by refinancing your home.

Show him your STRENGTH!

Since interaction with him is hurting you so badly that you may be lovebusting, go to Plan B NOW! Do NOT answer any of his phone calls. Do NOT allow him inside your home. Do NOT go outside if he comes over. Do NOT call him.

He is hurting you with his cruel words because he CAN. Take that ability away from him!
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 08:17 PM
Your own son asked you what your last name was? Huh??? Is it normal for son to need that type of card # for a school thing? Or, is WH trying to get it for some reason? I would be a little skeptical given the money situation with you WH.

God hears all prayers. They may not be answered immediately but God has not abandoned you.

I know this is an old cliche but everything happens for a reason. This MAY be a blessing in disquise. Who knows?
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 08:26 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
I have told everyone, and I know he's not coming back, don't even know if I could let him, I know I need to eat, I know I know I know.
I can't explain the marriage I had with him, it was so beautiful and I will never trust a man with my heart again.
He is jusr going to have to accept what he is done and I truley hope he's happy, but I don't want to know about it.
My boys are my life now, and I will try to be strong, but right now I can't eat, when I try I get sick.
I pray and I am not being listened to.
My dad was a minister and he taught me to always be kind and loving and that everything happens for a reason, but this time I guess the reason just doesn't make since to me.
I know people have it worse than me in alot of ways, and I pray I will be okay, but right now I am mourning the fact that the last 1/2 of my life has been a lie and now I will be alone forever with the pain that I let someone else take a strong women and crush her into nothing

BE,

DO NOT run your body down because of what this [censored] is doing!!

You can't eat...at LEAST drink some chicken broth, bouillon, whatever. Get some Pedialyte. Get some Gatorade. Get SOMETHING to balance your electrolytes!!

You DO NOT want to end up in the hospital!! What do you think will happen then? He might have you committed and then you will be OUT OF THE WAY so he can do whatever he damn well pleases with your money and your house and your life.

Don't let him do this to you!! He is NOT WORTH IT!! NO ONE is worth destroying YOURSELF over!!!

I KNOW it is hard. I was EXACTLY where you are, as were many others on this board.

You need to be STRONG--yes, it's HARD!! But you CAN do it!! You absolutely CAN!! You MUST!!

Charlotte
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 08:38 PM
Do you want your son to have to call 911 for an ambulance when you pass out or go into seizure, and have to sit by you while he waits, and wonder who he's supposed to call? And blame himself for not taking care of you?

If you don't eat or drink, that's what is going to happen.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 09:22 PM
The escript thing has nothing to do with money, it is a fund raising thing used by schools and they have people sign their club card up and get a very small percent of what you spend when you shop.
No his asking about my last name wasn't something his dad asked, he is 15 and just wanted to know.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 09:28 PM
Also wanted to add that I have turned off my cell, told the boys not to tell me anything they here.
Today is the first time in 25 years that we have had no contact.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/25/09 09:37 PM
A great step, browneyes.

We are here for you.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 04:52 PM
Well everyone,
I have contacted a lawyer, can't see me until tommorrow, I was hoping for today.
Yesterday was as hard as the day he left, wow already a week.
WE had no contact at all for the first time in 25 years.
I cry myself to sleep at night and I wonder where life will lead me.
I realize now that he was right, we need be apart.
I wrote him an email telling him That I love him, but I am done, I hope he finds peace, I just don't want to know about it.
I have given up hope that he will come home and I go between wanting to die, and knowing I will get through this.
Posted By: coachswife Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 06:46 PM
Is it possible she could have been making trips here to see him and him financing it?

I guarantee you that he's spent money romancing OW- I definitely agree that you need a credit report to see exactly what the damage is!

Do NOT refinance your house unless a lawyer tells you it is your last option. He ran up bills on OW? Oh well, let him pay them!
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 06:56 PM
I understand that this is the most painful thing in your life. I understand your feelings but you would be doing yourself a HUGE favor right now if you would exercise the no contact rule for the time being. This means emails too. You are reinforcing to WH your weaknesses which he does not need to know or be reminded of.
The world is not going to end if you go for a day or two with NO CONTACT WHATSOEVER. Communicating in any way, shape or form is re-opening the wound for you.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 07:05 PM
Dear B.E.:

I am glad to hear the fighting back starting to come into your voice. Baby steps, now. Only worry about today- and getting thru it.

Egads! I can't even begin to say I know what you are going through, but I can say I have seen good things happen to the BS who stay on the site- and take the advice posted here.

Your sons need to know that there is a teacher/woman/mother inside of BrownEyes that can stand up to anything, for anything. The best lesson you can teach them now--< and learn for yourself> is that:

It is NOT that you got knocked down, but you picked your a$$ up and finished the gol-daurn race that matters!

and I don't mean this as a "rah-rah" chant. I mean, if I have to limp or drag my buns (kicking and screaming) with tattered shoes and bruised ego down that trail -- I am going that way.

Which way? Don't know yet. We all need a "life GPS" to help us down the trail. Chin up, pac a lunch --pee now- it is going to be a long journey.

I am praying for you,
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 07:05 PM
I asken him for no contact and that is why he didn't call yesterday.
The email I wrote was a no contact letter telling him, I love him, but this is not okay and I don't want any more contact.
I was actually strong when I wrote it anf I felt it was something I had to do.
He called this morning and without looking at who it was I answered.
He was on his break at work and just wanted to see how I was.
I didn't cry said I will be fine and asked how he was.
He said fine working so he doesn't have to think. Loves me and misses me, but not sure what he needs in life.
He says he is not the man I thought he was and that I will be better off without him.
Sadly I agreed. I told him I know him better than anyone and I don't believe he will be happy, but I hope he is.
Again I did not cry until I hung up the phone.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 07:37 PM
I pulled our credit report and the score is excellent for now, I see balances, but not charges so no way to know how he is spending, I will ask lawyer tommorrow what to do next.
I guess now I wait and see what comes next.
Thanks for your support.
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 08:09 PM
Browneyes - You need to have no contact with him, and that is NOT happening.

Have you made an appointment with you doc to save yourself?
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 09:59 PM
I know I may not be doing things the right way, I don't even know who I am without him.
I have said no contact and then he calls...
I know I need to protect what is left of myself and move on, I am really tring.
I don't know what else to say, I have asked him to not call, I wrote him an email telling him no contact,
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 10:08 PM
My mother always taught me "where there is a will, there is a way" and I believe this.

You told him, he isn't honoring your request... Have you considered changing your phone #???

You are "enabling" him to do what you have asked him not to do. Change your phone #. Pretty easy.

It really seems like you know what to do and that you WANT to do them but for some reason you would rather cry about it than DO something about it. Do not let WH do this to you and keep you in this state. Pick yourself up...you never know what tomorrow may bring but, in the meantime help yourself to be a stong woman. It could do nothing but help you in the end no matter what the outcome of your situation may be.
Posted By: Gineva Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 10:20 PM
How true...they cannot come up with anything original...! LOL!! Not that intelligent.

Read a book called "The Script"

Best to you and the boys. You'll be fine.
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 10:41 PM
So have you talked to your doc? Are you eating?
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 10:54 PM
No I haven't talked to my doctor yet, and no so far still can't eat.
I was just reading alot in this websight and I guess I blew plan a.
When I heard he was looking at apartments I told him to go, and when he did I fell apart.
I am now in plan b with him living 45 minutes away, and I now I didn't do anything right so my chances are gone.
I wish I could go back in time and that I had let him come home that night talk about it, but I have been here before and I was so affraid of what he would say to me that instead I pushed him out the door,
Now he is happy being out and planning his life without me.
Again I failed, sorry
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/26/09 11:25 PM
Browneyes - Go see your doc. You are not thinking right. Your situation is very hopeful, but you are your own worst enemy.
Posted By: womanoffaith5 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 01:04 AM
you are not in plan A or plan B yet.
Youa re still stuck in that beginning stage where you cant eat, cant sleep, and cant make a plan.

you need to get your body physically back on track so you can come up with a plan. Once you ahve a plan, your days will go by a little better

My best advice for now - dont feel the need to make any final decisions, and dont leave him emails/texts/or voice mails saying you are done, you arent done, its over, its not over, etc.

The truth here, is that it is WAY too early for you to make any final decision. I know that right now, it seems like it would feel better just to say "thats it, I'm done, its over, I'm moving on" and then the next morning you should wake up feeling all better. But it just doesn;t happen that quickly. you will change your mind many times these next few weeks, so allow yourself that chance to change as many times as you wnat to. Dont make any formal committments to him yet.

Because you DO still love him, and thats ok!! That is the way marriage is supposed to be. He has had many months to think about this stuff, and plan his exit. You have only had 1 week to respond. if you want to tell him not to call for awhile, that is just fine. Tell him to give you some time, and then just leave it alone. Dont feel like you have to follow it up with a long email. Let him wonder what you are up to for awhile.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 04:04 AM
Quote
I know I may not be doing things the right way, I don't even know who I am without him.
I was NOBODY without him. I ACTUALLY believed this NO ONE.... and you know what. I didn't have a choice. I HAD to move forward. And you will too. Who you are is just being discovered. What you are capable of doing is just unfolding. Don't underestimate the power of prayers. ALL OF OUR prayers for you... Because we are praying for you and know that you can make it even when you don't think you can.

Brown,
Quote
I guess I blew plan a.
There isn't ONE OF US who hasn't blown our Plan A at some point or another, but remember we are SURVIVORS. We learned to develop the war mentality and so what if we lost a battle, there was still the WAR to be had.

Quote
I am now in plan b with him living 45 minutes away, and I now I didn't do anything right so my chances are gone.
Brown, do you know anything about WAR. Honey, you can't move indiscrimently between strategies. You can't be in Plan B because you haven't set up Plan A.... You can do this. I know you can. I DID. and I was a total flippin mess.

I have those same thoughts, I wish I could go back, I wish I did this, I wish... And you know what it killed me because I still get those thoughts, but the reality is we can't go back. We have our Plans to learn, to change and move forward. There are specific steps. These help you keep focused and healing while working on your M in a safe way.

YOU CAN DO THIS...

Quote
Now he is happy being out and planning his life without me.
I have to keep tell myself this... YOU DON'T KNOW THIS... It's a judgement, it's a guess. We don't really know what's going on in their world.

You haven't failed anyone. You are learning, we all are learning and ALWAYS doing the very best we can. This is EASY, this isn't like something that doesn't hurt. You suffered a TRAUMA, you need time to heal, time to understand and begin to take back your life.

Remember, you CAN do this...
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 02:39 PM
Just keep telling yourself "I am not going to let this ruin MY life". That is what I had to do and it's working.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 05:26 PM
Well yesterday he contacted all 3 of the boys, I am glad he still wants them in his life.
He asked about me and they said I am as good as can be expected.
He told Trev he would come by today to give him some papers he needs and I suppose to drop off a financial proposal for me.
I am seeing a layer this morning, mom is ccoming to support me and hopefully I will be okay financially.
I have been thinking about the refinance, it was something he talked about before he left to get the home equity loan put together with the morgage so the monthly will be lower.
I might have blown that because yesterday the loan guy called and I told him wh doesn't live here anymore. I didn't know who it was.
Last night I ate a couple of bites of eggs and again got really sick, I will keep trying.
AS Bonnie Raitt says "I can't make you love me, if you don't, I can't make your heart feel something it won't"
When we saw her a couple of months ago that song made us both cry and hold each other, I was feeling lucky, he was feeling trapped.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 06:02 PM
I love that song too but you need to go out and get an Alynnis Morrissett CD!!! She's a little angry woman!! Love her!!!
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 06:15 PM
Try a piece of bread. Soaks up the acid and doesn't add any.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 06:48 PM
See if your doctor can give you some Phenergan or something like that...for the nausea...
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 08:44 PM
Browneyes,

I have been reading your sitch. I am not a Vet and made so many mistakes but these Vets are so right.

At the beginning, like you, I was in shock, everytime someone tried to talk about my needs I kept referring back to my H -- what he wanted, how was he feeling blah blah blah.

You are your own worst enemy. At least 8 times you said I will have no contact with your H, and then you say "oh I picked up the phone without looking to see who it was" or "I emailed him". STOP Everytime you are doing this you are hurting yourself.

Everyone here has gone through tremendous sorrow, but it is time to pick yourself up and get a game plan. No one is saying here to throw away your M. They all want you to fight, but YOU are the one giving up on this.

My H also talked finances at the beginning, he actually wanted me to give him 40K out of my 401K -- seriously. And the sad part is I actually thought about giving it to him -- just so maybe he would love me again... Get the 2x4s out on that one.

Read about Plan B. Get someone from this board to talk to your H. Do not ask your kids what your H is saying about you. No more phone calls. Nothing. Go completely dark. Do not worry about Plan A, I skipped Plan A because I did it so badly. But I needed to be in Plan B to protect whatever love I still had in my heart for my H. Sometimes to get by I even pretend he is deceased -- whatever it takes to get by one more day.

Do I like it...NO. But to keep MY sanity and keep me away from my wayward Alien spouse..absolutely. You have to understand you are still thinking your H is the same loving man...HE's NOT. He does not want to hear you love him..he knows you love him. He has rewritten the M. All you can do for now is protect yourself and be strong. have attitude. Let him wonder what you are doing and why you are not crawling to him.

You have to take care of yourself. Turn him over to God. You cannot control this.

Sorry for the length of this but I want you to thrive and get your marriage back like we all want to do. But doing what you are doing -- you wont.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 08:50 PM
Okay, back from the lawyers office and I was right it hurt like hell.
He told me I will get half of his salary for the rest of my life and he does think the refinance is a good idea, but not to allow cash or credit card payoffs.
He told me to call wh so I did and I told him I filed for a legal seperation and that He could call my lawyer to sign papers of his intent to pay.
He says I don't get any of his retirement if he gives me the house, but my lawyer says that is wrong.
The lawyer also said next month when he gets his bonus and his raise I will get half and my monthly will go up acordingly.
WEll at least that part is settled, I am going to go let myself cry for awhile.
Posted By: saynomore Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 08:53 PM
Great post Hope! Browneyes, I know it is hard to believe but most of us have lived through this pain and walked out on the other side one way or the other. Please listen to the advice you are given and post when you are sad and weak.

God's Blessings,

Say
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 08:58 PM
My lawyer said I had to call him and give him his number so he can have him sign the agreement.
I called didn't cry told him I have to protect me and the kids, that was it last contact I promise, I am now going dark.
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 09:11 PM
Browneyes, what you need to do now is to get someone either on this board or someone you can trust to be the go-between to your H. It CANNOT be your sons.

All contact is done. If your Atty has a question that your H has to answer, you give the question to that person who in turn contacts your H. Make it difficult for him. Let H see what his world will be like without you. DO THIS TODAY.
You will protect yourself from this man who is posing as your H.

Go read Trying to Live sitch. It is long but she did a great Plan A (no you are not to try Plan A -- too late), but a great Plan B.

Glad you went to Atty. That is the first step.

Posted By: turtlehead Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 09:24 PM
Awesome post, Hope.

Browneyes, you're getting good advice and I know you're doing your best. It's really difficult to even remember your name right now, much less think straight, but you must. Keep reading and re-reading. If you haven't already, purchase Surviving An Affair or check it out of your library and read it. Just take one day or moment at a time and stick to your plan and goal.
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/27/09 10:32 PM
thanks I am finally "getting it" myself for my situation.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/28/09 06:49 AM
Okay now I am legally seperated, someone tell me I did the right thing.
I mean the lawyer told me I keep the house, he gives me 1/2 his salary forever, raises included, but am I not just pushing him further away.
Oh God I miss him so much, and I am so scared he will never come home now.
Is there anyone out there that had to go this far and stilll came out okay, or should I just accept that he is gone forever?
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/28/09 02:29 PM
Of course he can come back! I've seen people divorce and remarry! Even 2 or 3 times!

But he'll never come back if you don't start taking care of yourself.

ETA: Oh, and by you doing this, it shows you are strong and willing to go it alone if you have to. For some reason, people want what they can't have. If you can't do a Plan A, the next best thing you can do is start taking charge of your life and look like you can live without him, and might even thrive without him! There's nothing that will make him sit up and take notice of you more than you not needing him. Human nature.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/28/09 04:21 PM
Of course you have done the right thing. Showing that you ARE a strong woman who refuses to let this man push you around and that you ARE capable of making it on your own...

No one can tell if he will or will not come back...maybe he will maybe he won't. There is no way to tell this. Being "needy" isn't an enduring sign and not something that most men prefer. As a matter of fact it's a BIG turnoff to most men. So, by showing independance could only be a positive thing all the way around.

You have got to get your mindset in the correct place which should be taking care of yourself and taking care of business. NO CONTACT and stop letting this guy get the best of you...believe me it is not worth it.

It's like I tell my daughter, there are MILLIONS of men in the world. You don't realize this right now but you will...
Posted By: womanoffaith5 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/28/09 04:27 PM
you did the right thing
he can still come back, and when he does, you will not be completely broke, homeless, with a mountain of debt to overcome.

Also, please consider the fact that he did this before, and did not learn how to take the precatuions he needs to take to fully protect you, and the boys, from his selfishness. He broke off the A 10 years ago - but he did not learn from it, grow from it, and fix the brokeness inside himself that allowed it to happen in the first place.

You are not just fighting to save your M from this A. You are fighting to save your marriage from any future A's as well.

Prepare yourself now. he is going to be angry. In his little dream world, you were supposed to re-fi the house, give him the money and then quietly keep to yourslef. The two of you would still be friends, but he would be free to do whatever he wants, and end up broke in 6 months and begging you to help him. You have just shown him the reality of D. It is not pretty.
D is tough. It is ugly. It is supposed to be that way. when a man promies to be with you forever, in sickness and health, you should be able to count on that. If you had gotten in a car accident, paralyzed from the neck down, would it be ok for him to leave? No way!! But here he has left because he doesnt feel giggly happy all the time. Huh??

You have not done anything to hurt him. You have shown him the truth. The reality of D. It is best he see it now, before he has destroyed the love you have left for him.

Get yourself on anti depressants to help you deal with this stuff for a while

And fill your calender with good things to do, so you are not sitting at hoe when he needs someone to shout at.

when he calls you to say "that is it - you have destroyed me - you are taking half my salary and I will be brokefor ever, I knew you were a bad person, and this is jus proof" just keep thinking in your mind "I knew he would say all this stuff, it is part of the script"

I heard all that stuff too - and 6 months later my WxH wanted to come back to MY house, and enjoy the life that I had built for MYSELF. but, by then I was sick of him, and had no love left.

Hang in their friend. You are doing GREAT.
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/28/09 04:32 PM
Hi Browneyes, stop doubting yourself. H was steamrolling all over you to meet his own financial needs. He was not thinking about your best interests. He needed some truth darts thrown at him to see what his life will be like financially and without you. All of this will take time.

You are lucky that in your state you have legal seperation. Here we can only file for D. Also it is very difficult to get spousal support if you are working and if you get it, very limited time to receive it.

Now that you went to atty. you need to get a life. Call some friends, family, get out -- breathe. Sign up for yoga. I went to that when things were the worst and it truly helped me. I still go and plan on going forever at this point.
Stop dwelling on H, NO CONTACT, if you feel like calling him post on this board instead. You will get support here.

My H is serving me this week with divorce papers. I do not want to be divorced but I need to be strong to deal with it. I know it is painful and sorrowful. I could write a book about all of this crapola but right now I am taking one day at a time.

You did the right thing.
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/29/09 03:27 AM
There is no doubt you did the right thing. Now you have some protection from WH and his dangerous financial risks he takes.

I am very proud of you. You took a big step and though it was hard...you did it. You should do soething nice for yourself...be it a nice relaxing bubble bath...or a massage.

Now next step....you need an intermediary between dorkus (thats your new WH's nickname) and yourself. If you don't have anyone willing to do it. Let me know I would be willing to help out.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/29/09 03:47 AM
I really need to thank all of you wonderful people for your support.
Yes this is the hardest thing I have ever been through.
I question the very life I have lived with him for 25 years.
I love him and would have done anything in the world to make him happy.
we were best friends and I can't imagine how he could possiby not be feeling some kind of loss.
We were never apart, spent our days off at the beach or the movies, the family had dinner every night.
He is giving up so much, and I still have everything but him asnd I am in incredible pain.
He is not even contacting his sons now, wow whenever we went on a trip without them we called everynight to see how they were.
I have prayed more in the last 10 days than ever before in my life and at this point I guess I wait and pray he comes home to us.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/29/09 04:13 AM
browneyes, don't forget the one key tenet of affairs: the wayward spouse is NOT your spouse; he is an alien in your H's body. EVERYTHING he says and does while addicted to the affair is nothing more than an addict who is able to think of nothing but ensuring that he still gets to have those times with the affair partner. Even if that affair breaks up, your H is still not back to normal; he has to go through withdrawal, he has to be far enough away from the excitement and thrill of the affair that he no longer craves it. Eventually, that fog rolls away (hopefully) and they finally realize what they have done, and they are horrified.

So don't agonize over what this imposter is doing. He is NOT your husband!
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/29/09 05:01 AM
browneyes, glad you are venting on this board, instead of picking up the phone and trying to engage your H in a conversation.

Don't ask your boys if he calls. They will start to feel like they are stuck in the middle.

Tomorrow is Thursday. Make plans for the weekend. Try something new. Get out and connect with people and shut off your cell phone

We are rooting for you.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/29/09 04:23 PM
Well its Thursday adn still no contact at all, I do not ask the boys, they are getting it themselves. They thought he would keep in contact and it is painfull for them.
I wish I could go out and do something, but I am having a wisdom tooth pulled today and will be home after that for awhile.
Oh well at least I will get good drugs right?
I am going back to work on Sunday and that will be hard because everyone will want to know what is wrong, but I will be strong, I can't talk about it yet, but thats okay.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/29/09 06:08 PM
Well its Thursday adn still no contact at all,

Honey, this is exactly what you want.

This is exactly what you need now.


"NO CONTACT" IS YOUR GOAL HERE!
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 02:44 AM
WEll I went and had my wisdom tooth out today, good drugs slept most of the day,
My sister came by to see me and went to get my medicine for me and while she was gone I checked my email and there was a long letter from him.
It said I have been his best friend, lover and wife for 25 years and he believes that we just choose diffent paths in life.
He says he is not with anyone else, he is alone, but he will not rule out the possibility of finding someone that likes the same things he does.
He said he is lonely and sad, but is on the right path to finding happiness. It is not with me and the kids.
He says that he knows he will be broke forever and he doesn't blame me for that, he is happy to give me all the money, I deserve it but he is not coming home ever.
Why the Fu.. did he have to even write that right now when I am trying to go on without him.
Why do I dream of him every time I fall asleep.
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 03:20 AM
"He says that he knows he will be broke forever and he doesn't blame me for that, he is happy to give me all the money, I deserve it but he is not coming home ever."

Have that signed and approved by your attorney.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 04:29 AM
The funny thing is that after I cried and sobbed, I decided screw him, I get the house and the kids and he has cronic bad breath anyway.
I would have done anything to make him happy and he goes on about things like he likes to hike and golf and I don't, well you know what I thought I was giving him time to be with his boys and his friends.
He is not the person I thought he was, he is a looser who wants to be alone, he says maybe one day he will find a women who wants the same things he does, but who would want a man with no home, no money who would walk away from a 25 year marriage selfisly to find himself.
Okay so now that that is over, I ate my dinner with my kids, we don't have to wait till he gets home at 730 anymore, we had fun and laughed for the first time in a long time.
I am going back to work on Sunday, I will get through this, I just pray I get the chance to tell him no thank you when he crawls back here. I pray I get that chance
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 04:44 AM
Quote
I just pray I get the chance to tell him no thank you when he crawls back here. I pray I get that chance
That's what my mom did. She said the other day that she was so glad she didn't take him back.
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 05:24 AM
Browneyes, glad you are feeling stronger. You are realizing that your H is no longer your loving H but some fog addled food spouting off nonsense.

Was happy to hear you were laughing at dinner with your boys. So important.

Keep your head up high and DO NOT RESPOND to his crazy e-mail. Agree with believer -- run that off for your attorney.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 06:10 AM
Quote
"He says that he knows he will be broke forever and he doesn't blame me for that, he is happy to give me all the money, I deserve it but he is not coming home ever."

Have that signed and approved by your attorney.


Believer is ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. I am learning the HARD way.... mad grumble rant2
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 06:17 AM
Quote
I would have done anything to make him happy
Geez, woman, we could be TWINS. I would have too. But I REALIZED that it wasn't MY JOB to make him happy. It's HIS JOB. And making your H happy isn't YOUR job. It's HIS.

This is HUGE. Yes, we are their completor, but we can only make ourselves happy. Please learn this.

I haven't been around and yet, look at you girl, already you are doing and sounding so much better. Good for you, good for keepign posting, following the advice to protect you and your children. Your children need you and need you to step up and be the leader of the family and set the example on when life KICKS you down you just GET BACK UP and MOVE FORWARD.

Quote
I will get through this
Yes you will get through this, because you are a survivor and look how far you have come in such a short time.

Remember the analogy of the wave. There will still be bad moments, days, whatevers, but just like the waves come in so do they roll back out and you will be stronger for having survived another wave.

I BELIEVE IN YOU....
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 09:10 AM
Hello everyone,
Thanks again for all your support, as I said before this email in which he stated he doesn't belive in marrigae and he has to find out what makes him happy really made me see that I am not dealing with someone I even know.
Why would someone who has inflicted all this pain on his entire family think he has the tight to just be alone and be happy.
I believe he will try, but I know him and he will have to find some dumb women to satisfy him. Just as long as I don't have to see it, or hear about it and neither do my kids.
I am strong now as I don't want this alein in my life.
I still pray God will give me back the man I love, but this is not him and I don't like this new guy.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 01:33 PM
Browneys, you are growin up! Good girl!
cool
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 08:25 PM
Glad you were able to eat something, and at least have a bit of peace with your family.

All the stuff he is writing to you is fogbabble. My ex sent me a whole garbage can full of the same words. I'm sure hubby thinks he is being quite original though.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 08:27 PM
Browneyes,

You are doing great... Even though I know this is still tough just continue to pray for guidance and direction and the strength to get you through this. You are grieving and grief is a process to get through. Just keep putting one foot in front of the other and your life will improve.
Just keep praying and believing in yourself and reinforcing the NC rule.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 09:52 PM
Thanks again guys,
today I went to my store to get my sickleave forms signed, kinda hard as 140 people who know and love me wondering where I have been.
I am going back to work next week, and as long as I don't talk about it I will be fine.
Sad thing though, my baby (15 years 190lbs) tells me when I got home that his dad text him and said he would take him shopping today for the cleats he needs for baseball and my baby said no thanks.
He doesn't want to see him.
I had hoped that my wh would be there for his boys, but so far none are interested.
Sunday will be hard as we always have a big superbowl party with food and friends and this year I will work my kids will go to firends houses and wh???
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 01/30/09 10:01 PM
Browneyes, my D15 has not seen or talked to her Dad since 12/22. I respect her decision. Do not force your kids to see their father. They are not little and you need to validate how they are feeling. At the beginning, I tried to force my D to see her Dad and she was sooo angry. She is still angry but at him and we have a good relationship. Will this be forever? No, but for now it is what it is.

You should plan your own superbowl party and have your boys, friends whomever. whope it up. Let H see you have not stopped living because he is being an alien.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/03/09 06:55 PM
I guess this is now the rollercoaster, yesterday I was fine, went shopping with my sister, went to my doctor, had a great day no tears or fears I was fine accepting that it is over for us.
Last night he called and asked if he could come over, I had the house spotless, me looking good, coffee made and he just wanted me to sign a paper for the refinance (my lawyer says it's a good idea because of his debts)
Came in said sign this I have to get home.
I reminded him that this was his home and his kids were in the next room and he said no I don't live here anymore.
Again reminded me he hasn't loved me in over 2 years and that he doesn't believe in marriage, I need to get over it.
I was strong gave him a hug, he said that feels so good.
Walked him out to the car and asked for his house keys, he said whY?
I told him I didn't want to have to pay for a locksmith and I don't want him just walking in, he said whatever.
I didn't d\cry till he was gone and the kids went to bed, but then I couldn't stop.
I told him I won't be calling him or emailing him and he said can I call you?
I used his line and said whatever.
Posted By: beginagain Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 12:33 AM
Browneyes,

So sorry for your pain. There isn't any shame in asking a dr for help, do it for you and for your kids.

I know what it is like to not want to cause your kids additional harm and sadness, it keeps me going many a day.

I too have 3 sons and they also do not want to discuss anything to do with our M, especially after the third D-day. I seriously don't know if they are disgusted with me or are distance themselves.

Anyway, just remember your sons are your children, not your friends or confidants. Try not to put them in the middle.

And really really try to have no contact. You do not stick to this and now your words don't mean anything to your WH. Actions do speak louder so all is not lost. Change your e-mail address, or block WH, or have all of his e-mails forwarded to a third party to read for you and have them contact you if it is important.

Another poster a few years ago took awhile to do no contact (lilsis), but then managed to do a stellar one once she put her mind to it. I know you can do the same.

I have people in my life who are negative and I recently play a verse from childhood in my mind "sticks and stones can break my bones but words can never hurt me". It is a choice to let them hurt you, remember that and protect yourself.

All the best,
Posted By: believer Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 12:41 AM
Well, you will find out shortly. Now you have signed to refinance the family home. If you never hear from him again, you will know that it is like we all thought, he is only after money.

Hope that is not the case though.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 01:11 AM
Wow that was really harsh.
I asked my lawyer if the refienance was a good idea and he said if we have alot of joint debt, which we do because we live in California his debt is mine, and it will lower the monthly cost to live then I should do it.
I did not sign the papers yet just a paper to get it going.
I have been kick plenty by wh without having to come here for support and getting kick by you. ***edit***
I know he is not coming home and I know he needs money, but I have no choice if I want to keepo my house. So thanks
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 03:02 AM
Hi Browneyes, I know you are upset by the last comment. But sometimes the vets come out with 2x4s because they know what they are talking about living through this.

If you look at my sitch when I first signed up, I got whacked for awhile. I was very upset, but guess what they were basically right. It took some serious soul searching and personal inventory to try to learn and survive instead of being a victim all the time.

Need to talk to a financial advisor. You are thinking of doing a refinance for a larger mortgage? Is that because your H has been spending money like crazy on himself and OW. Just because your state is community property and you are supposed to take 1/2 his debt, it is still negotiable especially if you provide documentation of "non-communal" expenditures. Why have your mortgage increase unnecessarily when maybe you won't have to pay for his credit cards. You need to see what will be best for you and your boys NOT your H. He is in fog land and is only thinking of his selfish needs. I kept thinking of my old H and kept looking for him but as long as he is involved with OW I do not know him.

Take care and continue to come here, maybe it is not what you want to hear but it is what you need to hear. This board has been a great resource for me.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 01:08 PM
Hey Brown, it is not too late! Until you sign those final mortgage papers in the title office, you can determine what kind of mortgage you want.

If it were me, I would force them to do a new mortgage at a lower interest rate WITH NO CASH OUT. That way you will not owe more on the home making the payments bigger. Also, you could demand the mortgage be placed in your name only. Ask an attorney about this...

In addition, I would nail some things down in writing with the husband and the attorney, though in truth, he may not actually come thru on those. For example if he signs a document that he will give you the home and pay so much a month there is nothing really holding him to any of that. You will still have to take him to court to hold him to any agreements.

If your husband ran his credit up to pay for stuff for the OW and his apartment, etc, dont let him drain the house to pay those off. Demand a NO CASH OUT mortgage simply refinanced for the better interest rate, NOT to give your husband any cash or pay off his cards so he can run them up again.

If you do let him pull cash out of your home this will happen"

1. He will pay off his cards
2. He will get some cash to spend on OW
3. You may get a dribble of cash to pay off some bills
4. He will run up his cards again on the OW
5. You will be left with much less equity in your home.
6. You may have a loan that is more than your home is worth
7. You will be stuck with higher payments.

So, be smart about this. Let them go thru the loan process and then make sure YOU DEMAND that there is NO CASH OUT to anyone or to pay anything off. If you do anything but this, you will be taken advantage of. Then, you will feel sad and ripped off but then no one can help you. Please do not be stupid here. Save yourself.

If you let him pull money out of your home to pay off his credit card debts, you will be actually supporting and financing this man's, your husband's, addiction to this other woman.
Posted By: barbiecat Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 01:22 PM
Woowzer! No one get anywhere by namecallin.

BE: The advice is well intentioned, the delivery service...ah could use some help.

What is your husbands resoning for this refi? This is a HUGE descision to make,

and one you should not be making until you are NOT UPSET about what is going on in your life.

It sounds as if he wants $$$ for debt reduction. Well, that can be done AFTER divorce (that is what you said you wanted)

This is what I told Tully...

#1. You have all the chips (ie: apparently the equity in the house you are living in.)

#2. WH wants "chips".

#3. Why, if you are holding 100% of the chips would you give him some NOW?

You need to ask yourself serious questions about what is your debt, and what you will or will not have to pay back. A financial lawyer is who you need to see.

You may have to declare bankruptcy>sp?. This happens in many divorce cases. If this is the case, it appears WH is lookng for cash to spend, not reduce debt. This will not help you.
this will not give you "chips".

You want chips, I eat them like PRINGLES.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 01:40 PM
Barbie is right. I forgot about that. In a BK, you may lose the home. Right now, he is going toward bankruptcy. Full speed.

Figure out exactly what is going on with the money before you take one more step, then talk with a financial lawyer as Barbie says.

That is a good idea, Barbie
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 06:00 PM
Browneyes,

No one here is "kicking" you...please try to understand that. We are all only trying to tell you or to reinforce to you NOT to let your WH take advantage of your or use you like a doormat.

It definitely does sound like he is just trying to manipulate you into doing something that is only going to be for his good and we are just trying to let you know that you cannot let this man keep using you to his advantage. That's all.

Everyone here is here to support you. I know that if it hadn't been for this site I don't know where I would be right now. And, the things that I had to hear were awful--but true and sometimes really hurt me when I read them but I was deserving and they really helped to open my eyes. My case was alot different from yours though. Just trying to let you know that everyone here is trying to help...not kick you down.

Hang in there.
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 07:32 PM
BE,

I just made it through your thread and wanted to share a few thoughts with you.

You remind me of a woman in my DivorceCare group. You guys are roughly the same age and have roughly the same situation and she was just as devastated and hurt by what she went through as you are.

Where is she today? She has her own home, is still recovering emotionally, but wants nothing to do with her XH. She sees him now for the shadow of a man that he once was. She also has a set of new friends and a whole new life.

Are things perfect? No. But she's adjusting to the new normal, which is a process that takes time.

My own situation is similar to yours in how I reacted.

A little background:

I was always a strong person growing up, with very clear goals in mind. I went to the Air Force Academy, which is one of the toughest colleges to get into. I lived the military life, went through the gauntlet of courses and training and joined an elite brotherhood/sisterhood of aviators. I made it through the most mentally gruelling programs in the Air Force and became a pilot.

I flew over 50 combat missions over Iraq and Afghanistan in a 50 year old airplane with no defensive systems that was loaded to the gills with fuel to offload to our allies and fighters dropping bombs on bad guys.

I came home from a deployment to a wife and set of kids that I grew to love very deeply through my experiences. They were the one thing I always thought of when I went to sleep at night and in order to sleep in a stinky tent out in the desert I would close my eyes at night and imagine that I wasn't there but at home in my own bed with my wife's arm wrapped around me.

So what happened?

I came home to find out she wanted a divorce and to confirm a week after that that she had gone out with 5 different guys right before I got home and got physical with one of them and was having an emotional affair with another.

My reaction was similar to yours. I was devastated and became a mass of tears. I too felt the nausea you have felt. I lost about 12 pounds in 3 weeks and couldn't eat more than a few bites of anything.

I couldn't think straight. I couldn't sleep.

I had the option to leave the military and took it, thinking it was the only hope I had to possibly save my marriage if there was ever going to be a chance at reconciliation.

In a period of 3 months I went from being happily married and veyr much in love with my wife to being divorced, separated from my kids, unemployed, and homeless (living with friends).

I crashed. There is no shame in seeking help. I became suicidal, a feeling which betrayed spouses know all too well. I spent 6 days at Walter Reed hospital and have battled depression for years now as a result of all of this and putting my life back together.

So where am I now?

I'm happy. It's 3 years since I came home from the war and I'm happy. This is the first time in 3 years I've been able to say that.

I have a girlfriend who is a wonderful woman who treats me incredibly. I have a wonderful set of friends from my DivorceCare group.

I fought for, and got, a significant amount of time with the kids. It was a long and hard fought battle.

So the message I wish to give you is that there is hope and most of us sharing advice with you have been through the he77 you're experiencing.

My mother went through it as well. I was the same age as your oldest son when she went through it. They're in a shock of their own and are hoping that this is a phaze with Dad. I would absolutely share with them that he is seeing another woman. They are old enough to handle it and believe me when I tell you that they will stand by your side in a way that will surprise you.

I wanted nothing to do with my father for years over his infidelity and the my brother and sister and I made the OW's life difficult at best, miserable at worst.

We never spoke to her, interacted with her, or acknowledged her in any way. Except for my little brother, whose sentences to her when she picked up the phone consisted of, "Bi**h! I'm not calling to talk to you. Don't answer the fu**ing phone!"

You are in the depths of a very deep hurt which can only be understood by those who have felt it.

There is no shame in getting medical help.

My post is long and I'll stop writing, but you're getting good advice here on what you should do both personally and legally.

Your WH may never wake up and see what he's thrown away, but I am pretty confident that the day will come in the natural process of your healing where you will not want a thing to do with him, which is when he'll finally understand that he's truly losing you forever.

My father regrets what he did to this day, and he was just as foggy as your H. But by the time he wanted my mother back it was too late.

She's happily remarried to a good man.

There is life after divorce and that is really the ultimate message I want to share with you.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/04/09 10:45 PM
Browneyes,

You mentioned in an earlier post that you saw your doctor. Did the Dr. give you something? Antidepressants, etc.?
I was just curious. I think that would really help you tremendously.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/05/09 08:45 PM
Quote
Demand a NO CASH OUT mortgage simply refinanced for the better interest rate, NOT to give your husband any cash or pay off his cards so he can run them up again.

Please print this out, put it in your wallet, and take it to the best finance lawyer in your town. Hand it to him, and say 'make this happen.'

Please!

You know that there is no getting back your old H by pleasing him with this, right?
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/05/09 08:55 PM
Browneyes??? where are you?
Has Elvis left the building? Hope you are ok
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/06/09 04:21 PM
Browneyes--where are you? Are you alright???
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/06/09 11:49 PM
I am here,just been working alot and trying to keep my mind off of it all.
It is so hard to see old couples shoppping together, when I know I'll never have that.
I am just trying to live one day at a time and breath.
He said the credit card dept is in both our names and if we don't pay them off he will file bankrupsy in both our names.
I told him to bring back statements so I know what he charged and then I will decide.
He says he will get that to me today and I will take it to my lawyer as I also want to know when support will start.
He says he has no money, paid all the bills and wants to just take care of everything without a lawyer.
He says he can give me $2500 a month, but I would rather have the court take it out of his check so I can get on with my sad little life.
Posted By: pomdbd3 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/06/09 11:54 PM
Don't make any deals with him without a lawyer. This is standard wayward garbage where they try to take advantage of your emotional state so they can work a sweet deal on their behalf.

Don't fall for it at all.

A lawyer will secure things for you financially.

DO NOT make deals with him without one.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/07/09 12:49 AM
Brown, your husband is so desparate for money to spend on the OW, that he gave you a clue about what he is planning. You can now use this to help yourself.

He is planning on going BK and taking you down with him. Unless you refi the home and give him money to pay off the cards.

(The problem is you have no assurance he would pay off the cards with that money from the refinance. And if you have them paid off IN ESCROW during the refinance, you have no assurance he will not run them up again and THEN declare bankruptcy pulling you down with him. You also have no assurance he is going to pay you the 2500 a month.

~~~So, what do you need to do now in response?

1. Find out from your attorney how you can legally get your name off the cards and separate your credit from his.

2. Have your attorney develop a strategy for you so you do not get pulled into his bankruptcy. Like having the home in your name only and getting a legal separation.

You can and should protect yourself since you will be glad you did.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/07/09 01:47 AM
I got a legal seperation from him 2 weeks ago and the lawyer says it goes back to the day he left.
AS for the refi I understand what every one is saying and I am trying to be carefull.
He is a credit junkie and I am not, but his debts are mine unless I prove otherwise.
He knows I will get half his check pkus bonuses retirement ect and he will sink himself
I have demanded to know exactly what he wants to pay off and that if it is a credit card I see the statements to prove it was for us.
At this poiint she still lives in Washington and he swearsa he has stopped all contact, but who knows he now lives an hour away from me and the boys.
He has also promised to sign the house over to me before I sign and refinance papers.
He says we don'[t need lawyers< he doesn't want a divorce he just needs time to figure out what he wants with his life who knows he may want to come home.
I told him sorry I would love you to come home but I have to protect myself and I have a lawyer.
I told him the lawyer says I get half his pay and he says he will give me more than that and I said no thank you I have to be able to take care of myself and part of that is to not have to call him everytime a bill needs to be paid.
Even with the refinance the amount he has to give me is much more than the mortgage.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/07/09 02:21 AM
He's scared. You finally have him REALLY on the defensive. Go BE! Go BE!

Get a lawyer and take him to the cleaners. hurray
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/07/09 04:51 AM
browneyes, glad you are back.

It sounds like your H is hiding something with his debts. Do not back down. My H's credit cards are way out of control and I think he is counting on the money he will get from a D will give him a fix for awhile.
H does not want an attorney involved because an atty will say "don't do it". Stay strong
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/07/09 05:14 AM
GOD! Is this so very VERY typical! OF COURSE he doesn't want a lawyer. He wants to continue using you!

I am SO PROUD OF YOU!

But you are NOT listening to us. You are listening to your wayward, lying, cheating husband. Who tells you that you will have to pay off HIS DEBT.

You have a lawyer now. LET HIM DO HIS JOB! He will protect you!

Do NOT sign ANYTHING without your lawyer present.

BE, it doesn't matter WHAT he wants to pay off - that is no longer your problem!

WHO LEFT WHOM?!
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/07/09 04:08 PM
BE--you're doing great. Keep it up.

Of course your H doesn't want a lawyer. He wants to screw you over and put you in the poorhouse. He is trying to pull the wool over your eyes and you need to outsmart him.

I've never heard of anyone signing the house over BEFORE a refi. So, does that mean that if he did that, the house would be in your name only and you alone would be responsible for the refi? I don't know--doesn't sound too kosher to me...

He doesn't want a divorce....because if this thing with OW doesn't pan out he still wants the option of coming back to you maybe? Or, he is trying to wriggle out of you getting any of his assets??? Something's up with that too.

I know what you mean about seeing the older couples together. I feel that same thing too sometimes. But, we don't know what the future brings. You deserve someone who will love you unconditionally--and there are men out there like that. You deserve better than the way this man is treating you. Not only love you for what he can get out of you which is what your H seems to be doing right now. Manipulating you and thinking that you aren't keen to it--you are being smarter than him and this is the way to keep it.

By NO MEANS do you not use an attorney. Tell him to leave the credit card statements in your mailbox or something because you do not want to SEE him--NO CONTACT, remember???

Keeping busy is a great deterrant too by the way...
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/09/09 04:39 AM
Well yesterday was really hard, I heard that he calls my oldest son every day and asks how I am doing. That sucks I dont want him to know.
Last night my youngest came to see me in my room and looked up on the shelf where his dads things used to be and asked where his first game ball was.
I told him I didn't know and he got really mad and said "I hate him he has no right to take my ball, it is not for him anymore."
WEll I was a little suprised at his reaction it was the first sign of saddness or anger out of him,
Next thing I know he is on the phone yelling at his dad saying things like you are my father and you left me how am I supposed to feel. Then he started crying and couldn't stop.
I left him alone with his call and after he said Dad was crying too and I don't want to talk about it
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/09/09 05:13 AM
{{{BE}}}

I hope you tell your son how proud you are of him for saying his truth. He probably feels really guilty, but he shouldn't!
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/10/09 08:51 AM
no he doesn't feel guilty at all he is still very mad. Wh texted him today and asked for his email address so he could write and explain things to him and my son didn't even respond.
My oldest son called his dad today and told him he better fix this because he was that age when he left 10 years ago and he hated him for it.
Wh said he is very depressed and hurt and this is all my fault and he wants to see all 3 boys on Sunday.
I asked the boys to please stop telling me about contact as it hurts me, because we haven't had any contact at all.
I still can not believe he doesn't miss me or the us we were together.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 05:49 AM
Well he called tonight after a week of no contact to talk about the money problems.
He sent a paper with his proposal and said I could show my lawyer and see what he says. I will.
He says he knows I am making the boys mad at him and he also said there is no ow anymore she lives in Washington and now has another man.
He says this isn't about her it's about me and that I didn't love him enough.
He says maybe in 6 months we could talk about us, but not till then.
I guess I give up, I will go for the big d now, I will not feel like this for 6 months.
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 05:58 AM
WOW you are one sorry sad excuse of a woman......what happened to NOT TALKING TO HIM. But you know what it's your life....everyone here has told you how to handle this for your own sanity's sake as well as the kids. But you refuse to set a boundry.

Ok you wanna let this man walk all over you...steal your pride...hurt your kids....you keep allowing him in with contact to do that....Get a spine sister or you will be left with NOTHING but your own misery because you let him steal your soul......He is the devil. He is not your sweet loving husband. Unless you want to live in hell you better get up and fight like yesterday.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 01:20 PM
BE--I know that last post probably stung a little but don't get too excited...SIHW is right though. Just a little slap in the face to try to wake you up... You need to make up your mind and stick to it. Tell WH to LEAVE YOU ALONE--PERIOD. And, tell your kids not to tell you anything about what he does, says, etc.
You need to think about you and stop thinking about H. He is using you and if noone else is going to respect you, you should at least have some respect for yourself.
Even if you DID get back with this selfish, disallusioned, lying, cheating person--how long would it be before you are going through all this again??? Get it done and over with and move on with your life. You are deserving of much better. Don't keep being your husbands doormat. Get a grip on yourself. And, you really need to change your phone # and door locks since he doesn't understand no contact. And, I'm not sure you do either at this point...
It's time to hold your head up and RESPECT YOURSELF. This man is jerking you around. And, you're allowing it...
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 02:30 PM
Okay true but please understand we haven't figured out the financial part of all thisa yet.
He is still trying to refinance my house and he hasn't paid the mmorgage this month yet.
The call was strickly about money until he started in on me again and then I told him to get a lawyer.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 04:06 PM
BE, is your D in progress??? I think I might put in a call to my lawyer and ask them about the house payment not being made. You know that this will be your responsibility and a factor in the refi somehow? Also, is there a deadline for the refi to be done? Let your lawyer handle all this on your behalf. Wash your hands of this man and pick yourself up...
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 04:44 PM
I have a legal seperation in process right now and will change that to divorce as soon as possible.
I have a call in to my lawyer and will show him the financial breakdown my x sent to me.
He believes he is being fair, but last time I spoke to my lawyer he said I will get more than that, so I guess I will wait.
I have gotten his keys back and now will wait to find out what else has to ahppen.
Right now I am done with him, very angry and don't think I can ever forgive him.
I can't believe it is going to end like this, but such is life.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 05:04 PM
Brown,

I have been off living life, my computers broke and I didn't have money to get online or was able to get online at work. So I'm lost where things have left on.

I'm not sure if you are here trying to get help or just find a way to survive. I have seen so many people offer their advice, their words of wisdom and guidance. You are so blessed with that.

I totally get that moving on is something you have to do, or that this horror that has happened has thrown you for a loop. In the beginning, I was told to just breathe, just be still don't do anything.

I get the sense that you seem to have to rush through this, have the completion? Why, what's the hurry? Do you want a divorce, if not, go slow, delay, don't let yourself react instead of act in YOUR best interest.

Hopefully I'll get time to read through your thread and catch up, and certainly if you want to give up you have that right, but you also have to trust the process because in the end it's all we have. To trust those who have gone before us.

Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 05:08 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
Okay true but please understand we haven't figured out the financial part of all thisa yet.
He is still trying to refinance my house and he hasn't paid the mmorgage this month yet.
The call was strickly about money until he started in on me again and then I told him to get a lawyer.
BUT YOU HAVE A LAWYER! There is absolutely no reason for him to contact YOU other than to manipulate you and guilt you into giving him everything he wants. He blames you for her. He blames you for not loving him enough. He blames you for his kids being upset with him. And then he says...maybe I'll feel like forgiving you enough in 6 months to let you stay my wife.

See the manipulation?

Do NOT answer a single phone call. Ever. Even if he's dying, the paramedic can call for him.

Stop letting him walk on you. And file today.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 05:10 PM
Yeah I guess I am in ahurry now, because to continue to breath I have to be done with him and the pain he is causing all of us.
He believes that if I love him, really love him that in 6 months we could try again.
Why would I put myself through 6 months of hoping and praying so he could crush me again?
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 05:12 PM
BE, put together a Plan B letter spelling out very carefully that you will not talk, text, e-mail him.
there are some great Plan B letters on this site and any of the

Vets will send you one. Do all talk of finances through your atty or a mediator which could be a friend, relative or someone on this board. In that way you will protect yourself and your heart. EVERY TIME you talk to him it sets you back. I understand that with my H.

BUT everytime you end up speaking to your H a few things will happen:

You are giving him a fix on seeing/talking to you. This fix will make him stay away since he knows you are accessible.

H is being disrespectful. H knows you want to be dark and he knows that he can break boundaries since you keep answering that phone and engage in conversation with him.

Everytime you speak to him and the conversation is not pleasant, it will only reinforce why H wanted to leave you. You are not giving H a chance to miss you at all.

does this make sense? And for yourself it will keep your own sanity.

Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 05:25 PM
Quote
Why would I put myself through 6 months of hoping and praying so he could crush me again?
Well, IMHO because marriage is a commitment you made and in the end I wanted to do EVERYTHING I could to save my M.

Or you buy into the timeline and addiction theory and understand that WH is an alien who is OUT OF HIS MIND and that the odds, the bets are he will be home and figure it out.

This is YOUR story, YOUR journey, but things to consider are, even though WH is being a MORON and simple JERK, are you prepared to leave stones unturned and not try everything by just letting time be your guide.

I don't judge, I don't take peoples journies away, I just heard your pain in the beginning, I felt in, I felt the absolutely need to somehow make sense of the absolute insanity and it's just hasn't been that long since it happened.

You suffered a tremendous trauma, your life was blown to bits, but hurrying to conclusion isn't allowing G-d into your life and doing his miracles.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 05:33 PM
I didn't want to go into Plan B, I wanted to keep doing Plan A, and in fact I did the most AMAZING Plan A. I was having a blast.

I was willing to do ANYTHING, even if it didn't make sense to me, even if it was HARDER on me. I wanted to know that I FOUGHT the ABSOLUTE HARDEST for my M.

Plan B was one of the HARDEST things I ever had to do. But I'm owning that I have done an almost stellar Plan B. I have not had ONE WORD of contact with WH since March 17th. I saw him in court, and looked the other way, and then he emailed me right after and I ignored because it wasn't an emergency. And the last attempt on his part was threatening my child to put the cell phone bill into my name. I didn't respond and acted when it was best for ME. NOT HIM.

When I went into Plan B I went in believing that it was very possible I would NEVER have any contact with the man I loved with everything I had in life to offer, and yet I was willing to just trust G-d and those on here.

We somehow thing that going into Plan B is easy. Oh it's not, it's harder than Plan A because we BS's are getting OUR FIX of the H we once knew.

You can do whatever you set your mind to. But only YOU can do it. We can offer the suggestions, tell you how to do it, etc, but in the end it's your life, your choice, your war.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 06:36 PM
Oh god. I am so confussed. I don't know what to do, but I sent him a plan b letter again today and I hope the financial part will work out.
I wish I believed in us, but right now I don't.
The pain is easier when I believe it is over, so for now it has to be for me.
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 06:40 PM
Quote
Oh god. I am so confussed. I don't know what to do
Leave the Plan B letter, stay dark and do nothing. Let go and let G-d. TRUST G-d.

Quote
The pain is easier when I believe it is over
My AA sponsor taught me NO AMOUNT OF PAIN WILL KILL YOU. IT'S WHAT YOU DO WITH THAT PAIN THAT WILL.

Brown, this is painful stuff. It HURTS, it SUCKS, but you have to feel it, walk through the pain because you will learn about yourself, you will learn about who you are becoming and what strengths you have deep inside.

Don't lie to yourself, it you believe it's over because YOU want it to be over, then that's one thing. If you are saying it's over so it doesn't hurt. I would ask you to stop that and just let G-d work it out.

Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 06:46 PM
to be honest right now I have no faith in god. My dad was a minister when he was alive and grew up believing that if you were good and kind it comes back to you and this is unbelievable right now.
I know it could be worse, I have a friend whose child killed himself and I have 3 healthy beautiful boys, but no faith right now.
I can't imagine what I did in my life to deserve this or what kind of test it could be.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 06:52 PM
BE, things could always be worse. I've seen that just from reading some of these threads here. Things could always be worse...remember that.

But, you also have to keep in mind that this is not the first time your H has done this to you. So, do you want it to be a continuous cycle and perpetuate itself over and over again? Or, are you willing to say "enough is enough". We also have to keep in mind that G*d has a purpose for us all and His will be done...it is not our place to question the why... We will all be judged some day. But, we do have to take action--just pray for guidance and direction but also use your common sense.

My grandfather used to tell me "what goes around, comes around" and man, have I found this to be true.

Take charge of your life and stop being a doormat.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/12/09 08:35 PM
Quote
My dad was a minister when he was alive and grew up believing that if you were good and kind it comes back to you and this is unbelievable right now.

I grew up a pastor's daughter too and believed the same thing, although not in the way you'd think. My dad died very young and I saw him go through some horrific situations involving "members" of the church and his denomination. My dad WAS good and kind and it DID come back to him... he died at an early age with a broken heart because of people, but his faith in God remained strong.

It's taken me over 50 years to learn that people will mostly let you down, but God is steadfast, true and never changes. His mercy is BIG.

He loves you when you love Him, when you doubt Him, when you hate Him, and when you curse Him. He's still here.

hug
Posted By: womanoffaith5 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/13/09 12:02 AM
I can not tell you how many times I cried to God and said:
"WHY? why am I suffering, while he is out having a grand time?? I am the one who went to church, sang in the choir, took care of my kids. I did all the laundry, all the cooking,and worked full time. But I am the one lonely and alone. He is happy and having a great time. This is NOT FAIR"

fast forward to now, and my life is so much better than I could have ever dreamed for myself. I wish you knew me personally! You would know that I am telling the truth.

You are going through a season of pain. A horrible, no good, rotten season of pain. But it will only be for a season. Allow yourself to grieve. Allow yourself to cry when you need to. Go THROUGH the season, dont stay in it.

Meanwhile, your WH is going through a season of false "happiness". I truly believe that his happiness is mistakenly related to a notion that he is going to clear his financial slate, start all over, and no longer have bills and debt hanging over his head.

This is a lot of what my Ex had decided in his own mind. At first he was convinced that OW#1 was going to sell her house and the two of them would have all of this money in the bank to spend wildly. Turns out her house was an older mobil home, in a park and not even worth the amount she owed on it.

and at one point, OW#1 was no longer in the picture, and my WxH was still acting like I was the source of his troubles, and he needed to remain free to chase his own happiness.

within 9 months he was even farther in debt, with no W, and no OW. That was when his season of "happiness" ended. And mine had just begun.

I am in a MUCH better place now. I am married to a man who truly loves the Lord. My new H does not have a probelm with debt or money. I can fully trust him to take care of our bills, and I no longer lay awake at night wondering how I am going to pay them.

My Ex definately had a spending problem. He once got a credit card at Bi-Mart (discount store) and bought a $600 rifle without telling me. Then he would hide the bills from me and mail the minimum payment each month. Problem was, the check he used to pay the bill, came out of the same account I used to pay for everything else. I never knew when a check was going to clear the account that I had not written. He also got a Disney Store credit card and bought hundreds of dollars worth of Disney crap. then it was a $2500 boat motor. Each time, he would tell me that he would "pay for that himself"with some miracle money that was supposed to come, that never did. I was always trying to juggle the finances, and keep everything afloat.

I am 100% certain that when he left, it wasn't really because "I did not love him enough" - but that is what he said to me. I think it was because he could not get that "high" from spending money any more, because he knew he had us too far in the hole all ready. So then he found an OW to give him a new "high" and decided that his spending problem from our 18 year M was all my fault. I didn;t give him the "high" that a new relationship gave him, so that forced him to go out and spend money we didn't have, to make himself feel better.

I was just like you once. certain that I would never be happy again. That I would be lonely, alone, and divorced. Certain that God had rewarded my Ex, and punished me. I was SO wrong. it is just that my reward was coming later. And my reward has been worth waiting for.

and I have to say: my life was better even before I met my new H. I had reached a point of peace. I was enjoying my life, my friends, my children, and my closer walk with God. After I reached that point, I knew I was better off. And then the Lord brought me another prize - my current H.

God is not punishing you - or rewrding your Poopy WH. Be still, and know that He is at work in a mighty way.







Posted By: womanoffaith5 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/13/09 12:08 AM
I wanted to add one more thing:

You talk about believeing it is over. think on this:
Your old M IS over at this point. Done. The relationship you once had, does not exist. BUT you CAN have a new M with this man. And at some point, that will be YOUR choice, not his. He ended the old M. You will someday decide IF you want a new one, and if so, how YOU want it to be.

You may not believe me yet, but someday, you will.

Cry out to Jesus for now. He is right there with you. And he does not test you - he allows you to go through times of learning, and growth.

and if you spend a little time each day seeking him, talking to him, reading the Bible, you will start to see his plan for your life. And his plan wil be something MUCH bigger than you have now.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/13/09 03:20 AM
Thanks for that, it helps so much tobe understood.
My kids and friends say get over it, stop crying it has been 3 weeks and I barely make it home from work before I cry.
I do truly believe one day he will want to come home, but we will see.
I still have trouble sleeping and eating, but I am getting stronger every day, okay maybe every other day
Posted By: Bellevue Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/13/09 04:17 PM
browneyes, sometimes you can only get through the next five minutes. Other times you can get through 20. Don't think about the long haul. Just concentrate on the next hour or the next day. The pain is so bad at first that thinking about surviving a week or even a day seems impossible.

So just break it down into 5 or six minutes at a time. Then tack on another small unit. Maybe a half hour. And stick in a prayer. A rosary if you are catholic, an our father if "other". That fills a minute.

Later you can start a gratitude journal. But not right now. 3 weeks is still pretty raw and fresh.

Okay? You have just been hand-held and hand-squeezed for encouragement. You can make it through today, just through today. We'll talk about tomorrow tomorrow.
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/13/09 06:20 PM
BE, I think I've asked you this before but don't remember your answer...when you went to the doctor, did he/she give you anything? i.e., antidepressants, etc? If not, have you considered something like St. Johns Wort? I have started taking this and it has seemed to help me...

You are doing very well for such a short period. But, it sounds like your WH is stringing you along--you know, leaving a door open for IF he wants to come back. But, this is something that you have to decide for yourself--what is in your best interest...

And, with the returning of the house key thing...it costs about $2.00 to have a duplicate key made. He MaY have done this before he returned your key. Did you think about that?

Any new developments?
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/16/09 06:34 PM
Just bumping for Browneyes,
How are things? You haven't posted in a while???
Posted By: faithfamily Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/16/09 07:37 PM
I have been following your story and just wondering how youare doing too. smile
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/17/09 02:12 AM
Well thanks for caring, but it's all pretty bad.
My lawyer looked at the finances ans agreed that the refinance is a good idea, we got a great rate and it will clear up the credit card bills only up to the day he left.
He already has over $3000 in his name only.
He said he doesn't want a divorce, he just needs to find himself blah blah blah.
He swears he is not in contact with any other women just unhappy with his life and needs to find out what makes him happy.
He says if I love him I will give him that time.
What a load of bull huh.
He will never come home we only talk about the refinance and we are signing tonight so goodbye any chance our marriage had.
I can't make him want me or love me when we have no contact and it is to painfull to talk to him so I guess it is really over.
He has been gone for a month now and I have seen him 2 times for a couple of minutes.
He hasn't even seen the boys in weeks.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/17/09 02:13 AM

sorry, my doctor has been calling me constantly and I think it is time to get something to help with this pain
Wh actually said it makes him sick that I would even want him home.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/17/09 04:45 AM
Okay he knocked on the door tonight instead of walking in and he went to check on the leaky sink, had some coffee made gaot him a cup fixed the way he likes it and even had baked my famous chocolate chip cookies. He asked if he could have a couple, I said of course.
I was wearing my skinny jeans as I am quite a bit smaller then last time he saw me and I looked and acted happy and content.
As soon as the notory left he gave me a paer he signed saying the house is mine and he will pay morgage, taxes, and pge until a time that I want to take it to court.
He acted like we were never even friends, like we just had to sit and sign papers together and then he left, i waited about 20 seconds before I started crying, and now I can't stop, I guess my marriage is really over, I don't know what to do, I know I can't keep having him tell me bad things about myself, but I love him and I miss us.
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/17/09 06:26 AM
Browneyes, why didn't your H go to the L and sign papers? You are not protecting your heart by still talking to him and having him come over. I thought you did a Plan B but still in contact with H.

Look at your posts, ever time you see him you fall apart. It is not good for your soul.

Get to a doctor and speak to him about your emotional state and stop answering the phone for H.

You will start to feel better with no contact.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/17/09 04:08 PM
I know I shouldn't talk to him or see him anymore, but this had to be done and I wanted him to see me looking and feeling better, even though it wasn't real.
I had really hoped he would see the me he loved and not the one that has been crying and who knows maybe he did.
We had a great marriage and were best friends, I still don't understand what he is doing, but I thought the last time we see each other I should be looking good and pretending to feel strong.
I am having such a hard time giving him up, he seems fine with no contact and is living his life without me no problem.
I just miss him so much and wanted one more chance for him to miss me, now I guess I have to go dark and give up 25 years of my life.
Posted By: Stellakat Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/17/09 06:05 PM
Brown, how are you this morning?

I just miss him so much and wanted one more chance for him to miss me, now I guess I have to go dark and give up 25 years of my life.

Brown, think of about 10 things you loved to do during those 25 years that do not include your husband.

Then focus on those things. You need to develop a positive gratifying blessed life apart from any man!

You can do this.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/17/09 06:39 PM
Stella's right. Now's the time to focus on you. If I tried to do all the things I've wanted to do all my life, I wouldn't have enough time! Look into some area groups, like church groups, that do things together. Around here, people take bus tours to the casinos in Louisiana. Or vacation tours to places. Or cruises. Or trips to local gardens. All kinds of stuff you can show up for just like everyone else does.
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/17/09 07:20 PM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
He acted like we were never even friends, like we just had to sit and sign papers together and then he left, i waited about 20 seconds before I started crying, and now I can't stop, I guess my marriage is really over, I don't know what to do, I know I can't keep having him tell me bad things about myself, but I love him and I miss us.

Ok Browneyes, you still have certain expectation every time you see your H. What your expectations are is not the reality of a wayward spouse -- look at your quote above.

You are trying to appeal to your H. He is an alien right now. I know how difficult this is. I probably had the worst weekend since all of this started. BUT you need to take care of yourself. You have kids that need you. Our Hs are not taking care of them so we need and have to. Who will they have if we continue to fall apart. For our waywards it is all about them. They are selfish. We need to be selfless.

You need to write your goals and stick with them.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/20/09 02:50 AM
WEll he has been gone for over a month now and we are in no contact. My boys are falling apart, fighting hating everyone getting angry all the time.
They all refuse to talk to him and they are old enough to make their own choices about that.
My youngerst birthday is in a week and he and I were talking about it so he decided to text his dad and ask if he could get a new phone, his was stolen last week.
While they were talking he asked him if he could have the very expensive hand made necklace I got wh on his 21 birthday, that he never took off until this ove of his.
He said sure no problem,
This neclace is worth over a thousand dollars and it has a hand made lightning bolt because I have a tattoo of a bolt.
He must really have made his mind up to do something like that.
Posted By: hope3343 Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/20/09 04:39 PM
Hi BE, glad you are finally in NC.

Have you set up counseling for your sons. I just made an appt for my D15 because basically she hates her father and I don't want this anger affecting her life on a daily basis.

If your son wants to wear the chain, so be it. Let someone who will appreciate it - - wear it.

So what have you been doing for yourself these days? Have you made plans to go out, movies, gym, meet friends. Would like to hear how you are getting a life for yourself.

We all struggle here emotionally with ebbs and tides.
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/21/09 10:40 PM
wow this plan b stuff is too hard for me, I miss the man I spent 25 years with, where did he go.
He swore he isn't having an affair, he admitted to a ea with highschool girlfriend, but says he cut contact 4 weeks ago.
This is all things he said before, not new, we aren't talking.
He says he is depressed and doesn't know what to do with his life, he says he has to find himself and figuire out what he wants. He says he hasn't loved me in over a year, how could I have noit noticed that?
How the heck can we fix this marriage if we don't talk?
I feel like I am giving up, I know I need to protect myself from his harsh words, but God help me I miss him so much.
Will he miss me and our life, or will he forget me and move on?
Posted By: QueeniesAdventures Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/21/09 10:49 PM
Brown,

Remember he is an alien, he isn't YOUR H. He is spewing his poison at you because he is hurt and hurt people hurt people.

Plan B is hard because while we are taking ourselves out of the emotional drama and danger we are also taking out ourselves from the "norm" that we became used to.

Please try to remember that part of Plan B is to STOP thinking about WH. Leave him to G-d. Let go and let G-d.

Of course you are going to miss your H, you were married to him for a very long time, but this person you keep wanting something from ISNT YOUR HUSBAND. Remember that. Don't listen to his words, he is psycho, a liar.

He is the same as any other wayward and as hard as we try to think OURS will be different, they aren't. Don't worry about what he IS doing. Take care of yourself.

Pray to G-d, talk to G-d, ask HIM for help in walking through this. Leave the WH to G-d and you move forward and just walk in FAITH. You can DO this... If you seek G-d.
Posted By: johnstwin Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/21/09 10:52 PM
Browneyes-

Your H is a wayward regardless of what he is saying about not being in an A. Don't listen to anything he is saying. He is following the standard script for a wayward. He is re-writing your history together. Funny that he "says" he hasn't loved you for a year but you didn't notice. You would think that is something that he would have mentioned. But no, he didn't, because it isn't TRUE. It is to justify what he is doing now.

Plan B IS for your protection. In Plan B you don't have contact with him for this reason.

The only thing you can work on is you. I would recommend a book called "When He Leaves." by Kari West and Noelle Quinn. It helped me a lot when my XH left me. It just gives you strategies for getting through all the emotions and hurt, and also things to do, consider and journal about.

Hang in there. This is a terrible journey, but it is survivable. I know, I've been there.

Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 06:35 AM
Okay so on the advise of my attorny i went ahead with the refinance of my house. He wrote and signed a paer ststing he is giving up all rights to the property after the refinance comes through.
So I looked up the bank account on line the other night and saw that $18000 was there so I text him to ask why money was there but the morgage hadn't bveen paid yet.
He is mad that I am in plan b so he didn't reply, I called the bank and had half of that money transfered into my account to pay my bills and he is furious.
He called texted called text went nuts, says I stole his money (my house) and that he is not going to give me a cent, pay anything and is going to sue me.
I know he had plans for that money, he was supposed to pay off his credit cards and my one card, but I am only responsible for half the debt, so I figured I would take half the money sice he wouldn't reply and make sure me and the kids were okay for awhile.
I mean really I don't even know him anymore, loved him lived with him for 25 years and he is acting like I am not only a stranger, but I irritate the heck out of him.
He called and insulted me, called me names told me all about the things he hates about me and than told me to put the money back or we are done.
I hung up called my lawyer, who said Half the money is mine and we go to court in a month mto get support for me and the boys.
I am still in shock over everything that has happened in the last 5 weeks, trying to be okay and strong, but he acts like he never even liked me so what is the use?
He locked me out of the online banking and removed the rest of the money and says he is done.
me too.
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 01:36 PM
You had to do it. It's hard to see the mean side of a person. Never trust a wayward to follow through on their promises.

He wasn't coming back anyway, so you protected your family.

After he has been on his own for awhile, his old, 'worthless' life may start to look like the one he used to love. But you have to protect yourself regardless.
Posted By: KaylaAndy Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 02:00 PM
BE,

You knew intuitively there was a shoe that was going to drop - that's why you hesitated and that's why you consulted your attorney and questioned here. In other words, behaving as he is, it would be consistent that the deal had a "scr*w Browneyes" part of the contract you couldn't see.

LOL! Now he's pissed that you caught on to that unspoken part of the agreement and took away the advantage!

Poor poor WS! Browneyes is just smarter than he thought she was!

But since he's a fogged out wicked wayward, he's not caught on that you can still outsmart him - he's going to continue his bully tactics. A letter from your attorney might be well-placed if you feel you can't go into a dark enough plan b to escape his rants!

You're far too fragile at this point to take a bit of what he has to say.

Are you ready to write a plan b letter?
Posted By: karmasrose Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 05:04 PM
You mean lil Browneyes couldn't settle for a measly $1,000 or so? The poor WH! He will ONLY HAVE $9,000 to spend on his OW! How will he ever keep her happy???

/sarcasm

Way to go, Browneyes! You're so strong now! dance2
Posted By: Bellevue Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 05:25 PM
browneyes,

I know you're in shock. You can't believe the things your WH has and is doing, has and is saying.

He's going to sue you? What an idiot. It's an empty threat. He's throwing a tantrum. You did right to remove the money for your family's expenses.

Look how far you've come girl. Keep on, okay? You're going to be fine!
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 05:28 PM
Well he is so mad now he locked me out of the online banking account and said he won't give us a cent.
I told him the $9000 will last until the courts order him to pay, which will be in about a month accourding to my attorney.
I don't even know him anymore, he swears there is no one else adn he just needs 6 months to find himself, I said have fun, but I don't feel at this time I can sit and be sad and wait for him.
I am so lost and it is wierd that he changed overnight into someone I don't know after spending 25 years together.
When he first left I was sure he would miss me and our life, but he seems to be enjoying his freedom so I guess it is time to heal.
When he said if I loved him enough to wait 6 months we could try again I asked if we were supposed to be with other people during that time and he said yes, well he won't admitt it but I am sure he already has.
\ I was prepared to help him if he was just confussed or depressed, but I won't sit by for 6 months and wait oling my breath hoping he comes home.
Yesterday was our youngest boys 16th birthday and he texted him but no card no gift, how sad for my child that his dad is gone.
My whole family 11 of us took him to dinner and gave him gifts, but it was sad for him anyweay, he came home and did homework and went to bed early, I cryed all night for him.
I called the bank this morning and got access to the online account and he has paid the bills even though he said he wouldn't
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 05:49 PM
I've said it before and I will say it again. At this point you need an intermediary to filter out his crap he says to hurt you and weaken your spirit. This will also tell him he is not in control here and won't get his fix.
Some waywards start to show some of there old self when they do not have the access to spouses they once had. You need someone who will not take crap from him and will make sure he understands this.
My offer is still on the table. When your ready to begin protecting yourself and your heart let me know.
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 06:20 PM
You really NEED to take SIHW up on her offer.

For your HEALTH, before you end up doped up and in a straightjacket. What good will you be for your kids then?

DO it!!

Don't let that mother [censored] push you around ANYMORE!!!

Charlotte
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 06:24 PM
And this?

Quote
he just needs 6 months to find himself,


Tell him to get a magnifying glass and a [censored] flashlight, maybe he'll have some luck. This is BS. Just don't talk to this jerk anymore.

Get your IM and work through IM and your attorney ONLY.

Charlotte
Posted By: catperson Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 07:29 PM
Originally Posted by Dancing_Machine
You really NEED to take SIHW up on her offer.

For your HEALTH, before you end up doped up and in a straightjacket. What good will you be for your kids then?

DO it!!

Don't let that mother [censored] push you around ANYMORE!!!

Charlotte
I agree! Please use a Plan B to protect your family. Your kids need you strong, and all his crap is weakening you.
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 07:55 PM
Look you came here for help. We are throwing some huge and hard 2x4's at you to smack you out of this.

What are you afraid of....hurting his feelings....pushing him away....making him cry....

Because sweetie he seems to have no problem doing these things to you.

You can stop the cycle of abuse. Because it IS a form of mental abuse.
Posted By: princessmeggy Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 08:08 PM
Quote
I called the bank this morning and got access to the online account

hurray Good for you!

Now just take advantage of the HUGE offer that you've been given (for an IM) and start having some peace in your life. I for one think your WH will do an about-face when he realizes BE isn't the little woman that he thought she was.
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 08:09 PM
Originally Posted by SIHW
Look you came here for help. We are throwing some huge and hard 2x4's at you to smack you out of this.

What are you afraid of....hurting his feelings....pushing him away....making him cry....

Because sweetie he seems to have no problem doing these things to you.

You can stop the cycle of abuse. Because it IS a form of mental abuse.

Yep!

And you need to STOP allowing yourself to be abused!!

Think about a nest of angry hornets. Do you stick your hand in it again and again only to keep getting stung? HELL no!!

So STOP!!

Charlotte
Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 10:17 PM
Thanks guys for all the help and offers, but I don't think I will hear from him anymore.
I told him last time to get a lawyer I will see him in court, I really beleive we are done, he is not going to change his mind and I have to take care of me.
I promise I am going dark, no contact and I will give it to God now.
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/27/09 10:42 PM
I swear....sometimes I think I am talking just to hear myself.

You will still need to communicate to him certain things....you have CHILDREN.

Trust me I know I have been there.....and every conversation will turn into an arguement for awhile.....a lawyer is not an intermediary.
They do not assist you in scheduling certain things or if things change suddenly. Once the divorce is done the lawyer had done there job.

But like I told someone the other night there will always be an excuse to not do something.....so you will never accomplish what you need to. I think instead of protecting yourself and kids you want the drama to continue so you will be getting the attention your lacking.

I mean you come here depressed and sullen complaining about what has happened and what you allowed to happen but when advice is given from veterans who have been through this you brush it off or ignore it.

So you come here for what sympathy? This is a place designed for people to help others from experience. Not a coddle session for the door mat who refuses stand up for herself and most of all your children.

YOU are the one the boys will look up to during this and what exactly are you teaching them. Maybe they should expect there girlfriends/wives to lay down and just take it while they do whatever pleases them.

Posted By: BROWNEYES Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/28/09 12:30 AM
Whatever goodbye I won't be back so don't bother replying.
I came here for help and yes it is hard to accept sometimes whan all you want is your life that has been taken from you, but if I want to be treated like that I'll talk to him
Posted By: SIHW Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/28/09 12:39 AM
Well winner winner chicken dinner.

Give up if you want. That's your call. People have tried to help you so don't complain because someone called you out for not following through on what you claimed you wanted. H-E-L-P

In the end you will have to explain to your children and deal with there anger at why you didn't do more to protect them.
In the mean time we will focus on the people who actually want to do something about there situations and welcome the advice they ask for.
Posted By: karmasrose Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/28/09 12:39 AM
Browneyes, why are you swatting aside the help?

We can't give you sympathy....

This is not a place for coddling or for pats on the back for failed attempts at true plan Bs.
Posted By: Dancing_Machine Re: I was right there is an ow - 02/28/09 12:51 AM
Originally Posted by BROWNEYES
Whatever goodbye I won't be back so don't bother replying.
I came here for help and yes it is hard to accept sometimes whan all you want is your life that has been taken from you, but if I want to be treated like that I'll talk to him

No one is trying to hurt you. We are trying to HELP.

When we see someone walking barefoot back into the fire again and again...what do you expect? We are getting frustrated because you won't listen!!!

Charlotte
Posted By: dawn012365 Re: I was right there is an ow - 03/06/09 08:14 PM
bumping for Browneyes...

BE, I know you are/were frustrated with some of the replies you were getting but they were true. Not to be mean but it was sincere advice meant to try to help you--not offend you.

I hope you are still reading on MB as it is a valuable source for coping with our situations. And, a source of great support regardless of whether or not we like the responses.

I hope you are doing alright and if you can give us an update???
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