I have this buried in my thread over on the recovery board, and thought I'd re-post it here as well so I could get some input from the vets around here.

I'm finding myself in kind of an odd place today...and I guess over the past couple days, really. I've been mulling something over (and trying to make it go away, to be honest).

This EA that J had wasn't his first - it was his second. When I was pregnant with our first son 5 years ago, he got in contact with his first love. It was long before I'd ever even heard of MB. I tried to be ok with it, because I thought if I didn't give him a hard time about it he'd be open about them communicating, and at first he was. One night I told him I wasn't ok with it and I wanted him to end contact with her because I felt it was inappropriate. That resulted in a HUGE fight that literally lasted days. Eventually he said he would, but continued contact with her behind my back. It was all email (could have been phone calls too, I'm not 100% sure). We live hundreds of miles apart and she was newly married to "the love of her life." I did some snooping and found out he was still in contact, and had upped the ante in their conversations - reminiscing about their relationship (sexual and otherwise), talking about how in love with her he was way back when. Even told her he had a star he'd look at (when they were together) and think of her, and she said she did then too. When we were in MC a couple years ago he said he'd learned his lesson, etc., but unbeknownst to me, he was involved with the skank. When I confronted him I got the typical fog babble "you invaded my privacy", blah, blah, blah.

I'm finding that anger is coming back up - I don't think I ever really recovered from that first one. I'm halfway tempted to contact #1 and tell her just how inappropriate those conversations were. I'm sure that she assumed I knew about them...I don't know for sure. I saw an email where he told her I wanted him to end contact and she said he should tell me I have nothing to worry about because she's in love with her husband, etc. HE pursued HER, but she certainly reciprocated.

A counselor I was seeing quite a while ago (before our first MC) was essentially prepping me for divorce, and from that time period I have a copy of one of their emails where they were talking about their special star, etc. I had forgotten about it for quite a while, but then remembered the other day that I had it stashed and pulled it out. Re-reading it made me angry and nauseous.

I don't even know what to do with this - I'm still all jumbled up. Part of me wonders - what makes this time different? Am I really supposed to believe that this won't happen again? I'm feeling a lot of anger coming to the surface and I'm kind of panicking....I don't want to start over on the roller coaster again.

I want to make it clear that he's had no contact with her in at least 4 years. This is coming up for me because it never really got handled right to begin with. Things now are FAR better than they've ever been...but I guess there's just still some old garbage hanging around. Should I contact her? Leave well enough alone? It's probably silly, but I'm a little afraid to tell FWH that this is coming up for me again.

Hi b_s...

If you are sure that there is no contact, then I would not contact her...

How is your husband handling your recovery b_s? Is he a truly FWH? When he hears about the adultery of others does it sicken him? Is he willing to talk about it at all? Has he shored up his boundaries? Does he understand how this happened?

I know that you've said that you guys aren't financially in a position currently to be able to attend an MB weekend, but how about looking into the home study course? I think that would do you guys a world of good...

Mrs. W

He's handling recovery really well. I mean, he's seriously made amazing changes that I didn't think he was capable of, and they've been consistent for 7+ months now. I have total access to email, etc. with no arguments, and if I question him on something he has no problem answering me. He hasn't done anything to trigger this - I think it's coming up now because things are good and it wasn't correctly handled back then.

I'm hoping to do home study course in the near future.

BS,

What makes this time different? What an excellent question to ask yourself...what are you answering?

This time you're validating the truth (NC) instead of hoping for it.

This time you're talking, sharing your concerns aloud, stating your triggers, your stuff, correct?

This time you're making different choices...and you don't know if he won't or will again...you know what you know now...which is a lot different than before. You're different.

Your brain told you his A with first OW was still going on when you read those emails...your brain does not filter the difference. Make sure you. You felt stabbed all over again, as if it were happening right now.

It isn't. Because you're aware and checking. And you're angry about not recovering from the first one...which means you feel safe enough right now to face those parts which weren't spoken, not shared, questions not asked...intimacy blocked...and maybe now, you will. What if this tears the scab off of the wound not healed, so it really can?

Not going backwards...healing more...in a deeper way?

Difference is in you, BS.

LA

I wouldn't contact OW1. NC means NC for you and for your FWH.

However, I think I would bring this up with your FWH. You can tell him pretty much what you've told us, that he's made obvious changes, that his work is evident, that things are great... and that's allowing ancient fears and anger to resurface.

Be sure he knows that you're not bringing this up as a punishment, that it's come up because he's done so WELL. Let him know that while the old anxieties and fears are no picnic, you're thankful to be able to come to him with them, and to let him be your rock and your comfort.

Broken_soul,
Don't contact her. Also, don't assume she thought you knew about her conversations with your husband. She was not thinking about you and he was not thinking about you. They were only thinking about themselves and how the conversation made them feel 'good.'

When you did come up in their conversations when your h told her you wanted them to break it off, they were still only thinking about themselves. Her statement that she could assure you that she had no interested in your H was still only all about 'her.'

It was all fog babble and not worthy of your effort to understand it or interpret it. The very fact that he is having no contact with her is the statement that it was inappropriate. You could have that suggested conversation with him and find out how he might respond to her if he ever did happen to cross paths with her again. You two could come to a mutual agreement on how that would be handled if it did happen.

But 'no contact' is 'no contact' and it goes for both of you.

I know how you feel as that first EA your H had is similar to my H's EA. In fact, when they were still talking to each other after he brought her to the house pretending he had just "run into her" when they had set up a planned meeting, he started to get a little less 'exciting' in his e-mail correspondence to her. She asked him what was wrong and was I 'feeling threatened' and should she talk to me to assure me I had nothing to 'feel threatened' about. This really shook him up--the thought that this OW was talking about his wife in that manner.

Anyway, I found his little stash of saved e-mails that were incriminating and he felt sick and gladly wrote the no contact letter.

For both of these OW--yours and mine, they were only thinking about themselves, they were not considering us at all. They are best forgotten.

Thanks for the input everyone - it was really helpful. I talked with J and he was receptive and understanding. Sometimes it's just more helpful to get things down rather than going in circles in your head.

Looking at your timeline, you are at the six-month mark from d-day. Not unusual for some anger to start popping up. You've had time for things to settle out, to think about things, to realize that the marriage will recover and the initial shock of everything to calm out.

Now, you're reviewing things in more depth. You can look over the history of the marriage, and realize that the first affair wasn't cleared up correctly, and that some things you know about now weren't processed in the first go-round.

So fix them. Tell your H that you are working through some things, and this has come up because of its relationship to the current situation, and that you realize it wasn't really handled the MB way when you two went through it back then. And that now that you have a more thorough understanding of how you two should talk about things, you'd like to walk through that situation again with him so that you can put some things in order so that it will be taken care of correctly this time.

Best to be open and honest about it, and straightforward. I wouldn't contact the OW unless your H tells you that there is/has been ongoing contact, he confesses new information, or that you find he has lied to you about something regarding that situation.

She is old news, and the affair - wasn't about her anyway. It was about your husband, and so is the new affair.

b_s,

Neither affair was about YOU. Both were about your H. I think you get that. But you can only heal if he understands that too.

What can he do to show you that HE gets that? Ask him.

RHW

Thanks so much everyone.

We talked last night and it went really well. He understood that it's coming up again because it wasn't dealt with properly the first time around, and he has no problem with me asking questions. I only had one, really, and that seemed to settle it for me. The EA died out on its own quite a while ago, and I made it very clear I wasn't making an accusation because I knew he wasn't in contact with her or the skank. I also told him we ought to make a contingency plan just in case they should come across each other again. He didn't think that would happen, but when I told him he ran into someone he hadn't seen in 15 years, he saw my point and agreed.

I had him shred the email and I watched him do it. It was symbolic of him "shredding" his old behaviors and our old marriage, and it felt good.

I also asked him if he understood why I felt that was an emotional affair, and he was adamant that he did and said "I think I understood it even then, but didn't want to admit it."