I have been married for almost 5 yrs now, & have gotten in contact with the 1st guy I had loved for many yrs, but it just wasnt meant to be. Is it wrong to think about what could've been if I had married this other person? Would it be wrong to flirt with this person even if you never lose that respect & cross the line? Its so confusing, because its just soo many emotions coming back, & I dont know if it's wrong to feel this way.

Hi Bianca,
Welcome to MB and well done for searching out a site such as this for your question.

If you click on notify on the bottom of your first post, you can ask the moderators to move your thread to the GQ2 forum, or you could start a new thread over there with this exact question. There are more people who could talk to you about it, and the question is more suited for there than emotional needs.

In a way I'm in the same position. I know exactly what you mean about the feelings that come flooding back. I was first needing an ego boost because my husband wasn't giving me any form of attention. I've been talking to my ex for a couple of weeks now and I know what he wants, but I have no clue of what I want. I've been unhappy for a while, but I don't know that the grass would be greener on the other side. I've been keeping our conversations friend oriented with minimal flirting. I say minimal flirting, because we are both the flirtatious type. But I trust him and I know that he would never take advantage of me, even though I know he still loves me.

I have been reluctant to join this site hoping that I could figure this out on my own, but I joined now for a reason. Maybe together and with the help of other members here we can figure out what to do.
Lacey

Hi GL,
A welcome to you too.
I think the same advice applies to you too. Start a thread in general questions 2, for more and more applicable advice for your situation

Regards.

I thank you for the welcome lildoggie. It took me forever to find the GQ2, but I see that its under the Infidelity section. I have not cheated on my husband nor do I plan to. I'm simply just confused, because I don't know what is going on in my family. I will place my post there at your suggestion. But I can say that my main problem is emotional needs.

Hi Bianca7,

I'm a long time lurker, first time poster, and a BS (betrayed spouse).

Don't know why your post compelled me to reply for the first time. But the answer to your questions appears very simple to me.

Yes it is wrong to think what could have been. You should be putting your thoughts and emotional efforts into thinking what WILL be in the future within your marriage. You may not think that you're taking anything away from your marriage by indulging in these fantasies, but you'd be wrong. The fact is that you are investing emotionally in a FANTASY relationship instead of investing emotionally in your marriage.

Yes it is wrong to flirt with another person when you are married. How can you do that and still 'never lose that respect' or 'cross the line'? By flirting with another man you are disrespecting your husband, yourself, and the other man. You ARE crossing the line.

I can understand that these feeling can be confusing and there is a simple solution which is contained in the MB material - have NO CONTACT with the other man EVER. For life. No meetings, phone calls, emails, facebook chats, text messages, lunch dates... ANYTHING!!

If you want to read more about how the MB principles can assist you to strengthen your marriage try the basic concepts link to the right.

Finally - think about how your husband would feel if he were standing right beside you when you were flirting with this other man. Would he feel that you weren't being disrespectful? That you weren't crossing the line? Also think about how you would feel if he were acting the same way with an old flame. Would you feel disrespected?

All the best to you!

If you want the God's honest truth, I had an 18 month PA with my "old flame" from 30 years ago. All it did was cause unbelievable hurt to my H and my marriage. That's your answer right there.

Yes, marriage is different from dating and "being young and free". It's different and it's much, much, much better.

My words of advice to you. You have a lot of growing up to do. Marriage is for keeps. Marriage is sickness and health and not enough money - then it's enough money, ups, downs, problems with kids, no problems with kids, happy times with kids, weddings, funerals. It's going through lay offs and crises and difficulties and joys and happiness. It's being up at night with a sick child, it's having the flu and stomach upsets. It's having wonderful times with friends and family. It's sharing camping vacations and overseas travel vacations. It's laughing together and crying together. It's losing parents to death. It's growing old together. It's realising that you're not 30 any more, you're nearly 60.

Well, if you still want to capture your teenage years with your "old flames" go ahead. Those years are gone.

My DD is 28. She knows what marriage means. If you want a rose garden all your life, divorce now, but you'll never get a rose garden. That is complete fantasy. Marriage is long term, marriage is putting up with all the crap stuff that happens through a person's life and still being strong and being "you and him against the world" at the end of it. Marriage is watching each other's backs. Marriage isn't for wimps and sissies and children.

One other thing. I blame my generation entirely for raising people who think like this after a few years of marriage.

I blame my generation for raising people who can't cope with a few moments of "oh, it's not all about me all the time".

It's not?

Dear Bianca!

I am surprised that you need to ask. All you have to do is reverse the case: How would you feel if your Husband were harboring feelings and thoughts about a previous girlfriend? How would you feel if he kept glorifying the memories of her? How would you feel if he kept giving power and attention to every thought about her?


You don't need to answer; I know you wouldn’t like it. Thus you already KNOW this is very wrong.


And when you know it is wrong, what do you then need to do?

Dear Bianca

One more thing for you:

Realize that feelings like these are not something that "just happens to us".

These thoughts now have power over you because you have given them power. And you keep giving them power.

I will cite from my post above:


Realize that this is what you ARE doing. What you keep choosing to do!

Bianca & Lacey, hi girls you are a bit older than me but only a few years, M is not easy is it and why didn't anyone tell me???

I've been M for around 12 months but only had my DH around for 2 periods over the 12 months - 10 days for the honeymoon and then from a few days before Xmas to Feb when he was deployed AGAIN.

Its so easy to loose focus on your M and wondering when or what if's is a natural trap. I am afraid I party a bit with the band I'm in while my H is away, not a great way to cope I guess, so I'm being pretty careful about where and when and with who, if girlfriends are not around its a no no. Because I could give out the wrong message even if nothing happened at all to my H. So I am working on that. Its a compensation thing.

Some of the stuff I found here is great for ensuring you keep a wonderful M. It is mostly so much common sense which when you read some situations on the forum here is not so common apparently.

Its can be as simple as not doing ANYTHING that you would not do in front of your H

Keep your mind and thoughts focused on YOUR M, its just so great to do something for him which he may not even know you have done or brings a smile to his face, simple things from buying his brand of cola or cooking food he likes. The opportunities are endless.

And you know what? It may sound strange but not expecting anything in return is actually some fun too. Now I am not saying your needs we speak about on MB should not be met but rather more mundane matters where I'll do this if you do that for me. Its giving with love.

Spend at the very least 15 hours ALONE with your H a week doing whatever TOGETHER, fun stuff, leave the bubs at mums or when they are asleep, set that time apart just for you two, an hour here or there is so important, man I treasure those times, because they have to last me for months and months.

NEVER NEVER allow another man to fill your love bank - read about what that is here on MB - by meeting your needs for conversation or listening or whatever they are. THAT'S what you get your H to do. HE needs to know you need those things. Even if he thinks its 'girlie stuff' :RollieEyes: yeah been there.

YOU are both so lucky to find this place before you have to dig yourselves out of an affair and perhaps face a divorce. I found out about it from my mum who sadly did have an affair and it nearly broke her and our family. IT IS NOT FUN it stinking hurts.

If your M is getting you down or you are feeling left out maybe you should try to get your H to a MB weekend. Many very experienced posters here have been to them and say they are a Godsend. READ their stories please please before you even think about following your wandering thoughts.

It seems like I have this sign on my back at times which says 'guys come chat me up I'm feeling vulnerable' so the what if's are always going to be there, with old boyfriends and lovers to new sexy looking guys by the dozen. What you have to ask yourself is 'what is MOST important to me, my M and family or some player?" , because if they will cheat and play WITH you, they will do the same TO you.

I recommend you read the book His Needs Her Needs, its an eye opener, I also read I Promise You before I got M and did the work book as well. I'm not a very good MB person though, I always chose the option that said If you found out XXXX I'd cut off his ***** lol

So I'm not any where a great expert, you guys are way ahead of me in the M stakes. But listen to what MB can offer, get help if you need to. Cheaper than a divorce and even prolonged counselling after an affair, oh and remember affairs can be both 'emotional' affairs and physical affairs and BOTH seem to have much the same fallout and destroy M.

Hope you take MB up. Should teach it in schools.

Instead of thinking about what might have been with the one you didn't marry, why not think about what it could become with the one you are married to? M is not always easy. Not nearly as fun as dating. But it is a commitment. Contact of any sort with old BF is cheating/EA soon to become PA. You are already showing you have poor boundaries so there is no line you eventually wouldn't cross. If your M is not what you want, make it better.

I agree with the above answers. What you are doing is wrong. The feelings you feel are real. There is no doubt about it, but the thing is what are you doing about it? You said you would love your husband and forsake all others and when you give place to old feelings, you are not forsaking all others. The more you think about this other guy the more your feelings will grow. Eventually you will start having more fantasies and more love toward the other man and this is where the emotional affair comes in. You may not be having sex with the man but you are emotionally attached to him which can be worse. When these thoughts start coming to mind, make yourself stop thinking about him. You are not with him anymore and probably for good reason. Love your husband, work out whatever it is that is making you draw closer to this other guy, and make your marriage better in the process. Good luck.

My WH left me for his old girlfriend he went steady with 30+ years ago. He just met her this past November with some CD's from a reunion that the OW missed. They dated for 1 1/2 years so my H would have been around 16 - 17. The OW at that time dumped my H and moved on and married..the man she is still married to.
Once my H and OW saw each other..well let's just say it was over for me. I had no idea about her until my birthday Feb 11..from Jan 1 (right after 2009 rang in) my H asked for a separation..we lived apart but I thought for just a short time while he was going through his midlife crisis.
Well it turns out that he fell head over heals again for the OW. She has left her husband a 3 kids (the youngest being 10) and is going to move in with H. I have still yet to eat or sleep properly. This man, my H, is the one I love. I have been through 2 marriages before this (my H and I together 7 years, married for 4)..my marriages were not healthy relationships..but my H..never physically nor mentally abused me like the others. I love him with all my heart but cannot get him to change his mind or work on our marriage.
I did the typical scream, cry..all the rest.then the anger came..terrible anger and that is not like me..I broke pictures in the house when he was not home (our house is sold and he is getting a 'new' place with her)..I took things that I knew he held dear...and then I came back to ME. I am not that person with rage. I rec'd an email from my WH and he told me that he changed the locks (against the law since I am a co-owner) and that he cut himself on the glass that I broke..
That is when I realized that I am not a vengeful person. I cannot change his mind nor condemn him for his choice. I called him and we spoke for over an hour on the phone. I apologized for being so crazy with anger..but he had to understand where I am coming from.
My WH told me that yesterday was the first time he thought of how all of this has affected me. He said he could not help himself and that his love for me had 'changed' and he could not describe how or why. He could not tell me why he went and chose the OW..but he felt he just had to find out if this was the person he should have been with all along. He told me that he is happy and so is she..
I have to now realize that I have lost..that I will never have my H back no matter how much I want it..no matter how much I love him..he is determined to start his new life with the OW. I left my conversation with him (there was no yelling, just tears) that if he needs me..I may not be available for him, but he will always be in my heart. I am a forgiving person..not a doormat, but you cannot steal a person..they have to want to be taken.
My advice to anyone who is harbouring feelings for an old flame..blow out the flame...the destruction that is left behind is too great.
The OW H wants to have his W back in his life too. We have been in contact and are trying to help each other through this. The OW has not had much contact with her children since they are with her H...I am hoping she wakes up and realizes what she is giving up...
I wish someone could tell me that this pain in my stomach will go away..that my broken heart will mend..it just seems like it never will.
I have to accept what has happened. I can try to fight for my marriage all I want..but it is hard when he has closed the door on it and locked it..
Too many people can get hurt over what seems like harmless flirtation...it can turn into something that a person may regret for the rest of their lives...just look at my story and think before any moves are made toward an old lover...are they really the same person they were before...think before you act.

Bianca & Lacey,
I am a BS and two years into R. I now have the marriage that I always wanted. With that said the thing that hurt me the most was that my H chose OW to talk to instead of me. He could have talked to me and we could have worked on EN - instead he blindsided me be getting emotionally attached to someone else. How fair was that to me after 17 of marriage. How fair would that be to you if you H did it? You cannot undo what's been done once it's done. Reread the posts here and seriously think about what you think marriage should be and then sit you H down and have a discussion. Use the tools here to help build your M.

Read Eeyoree's post and get a good glimpse of what happens when you bulldoze your M...

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2098715&fpart=1

GG

Bianca,

Read this quote from Kiwi again.

You are young, as were we once. You do need to grow up, as did we.
What Kiwi wrote, is exactly what marriage is. It is a wonderful bond that you will share for many years and have many, many wonderful memories.

It is your duty and your H's, to protect that bond from any outside influences, this includes your thoughts as well as other people. This protection means having boundaries within your marriage. They keep you from crossing those lines and they are a MUST.

Remember, how you treat your marriage and your H, is how your children will treat their marriage and their spouse. The greatest gift that you can give your children is to teach them to be a caring adult and a caring, loyal spouse. This too is a duty when you bring children into the world.

Here is a quote from somewhere on this site.

Be careful of your thoughts, they become words.
Be careful of your words, they become actions.

Keep this one filed in your head, it's a good one.

BTW, what does your H think of your friend? He does know right, since having a secret friend is not protecting your marriage.

Stay on the straight and narrow and you will be fine. Throw this other guy out of your mind. The path only curves if you choose to allow it.

His Needs/Her Needs by Dr. Harley is a must for you to read. I wish I had been so lucky to have read it 20 yrs. ago.

So, how are you thinking, honestly??? Keep posting, people here really do care.

Take care.

It is confusing because you are acting on emotion rather than reason and logic. And that is how we make BAD DECISIONS. Ask yourself if a) it is APPROPRIATE for a married woman to be flirting with an old boyfriend and b) is it ok if your husband flirts with women if he "feels" like it?

Of course not. Acting this way is degrading to you as a woman because this is not how a woman who respects herself behaves. Nor does any man respect a married woman who will flirt with him. He might have an affair with you, but that is about all.

Cut off all contact with this loser, tell your H the truth, and begin behaving in a way that HONORS you as a woman, rather than DEGRADES you. Happiness never results from being bad.

If you continue down this path you will probably have an affair with this "Human"

When the dust settles, you will have destroyed your life, your husbands life, your childrenes life, the other mans life, his wifes life, and there childrenes life.

Turn away from this path now.

bianca7

You are having an affair.

You think your not having an affair because your not having sex with the OM. Your only flirting.

How are you having an affair?

Does your BH know about this flirting?

Does your BH know about all of the contact you have with the OM?

Did your BH her all of your phone talks with the OM?

Has your BH seen all the emails between you and the OM?

Has the BH seen all of the IM's between you and the OM?

An affair is any thing that you won't do with another man in front of your BH.

An affair is keeping a relationship between you and the OM a secret from your BH.

Your not physical with the OM. You are having an EA, emotional affair. You are on the slippery slope to a PA, physical affair.

You are on step away from phone sex. If not meeting the OM in person.

You are cheating because you are giving your energy, emotion, attention not to your BH but to a man with no morals.

What kind of man is your EX?

He is willing to cheat. Those that cheat with you will cheat on you. He wants you to be a liar, to decieve and lie to your husband. If you have kids, this OM does not care how he will damage them for the rest of their lives. This OM wants you to be an acommplish to his theft. As he steals what he has no ownership of.

Yes bianca, go fall in love with a liar, thief, child breaker.

Would you want your H to think about what his life could have been like if he was married to someone else instead of you? Would you think it was wrong or hurtful if he flirted with an old love?

You know this is wrong. But if you still don't want to think so, try telling your H, your parents, and all your friends and family about your "flirting" and your thoughts of "what could've been." If you aren't doing anything wrong, there should be no need to hide it.

H had an EA (he insists it was only an EA--I'm still not totally convinced) with an old girlfriend from about August 05 until I hacked into his computer and threw the evidence in his face in September '06. Until then it was deny, deny, deny. And further, he never told me this person was even an old girlfriend. He'd always passed her off as just a high school friend. It wasn't until sometime late in fall of '05 that I even found that out.

I don't have a lot of high hopes for our marriage surviving. There are other factors as well of course--besides just the EA, but bottom line is that I can't shake the strong feeling that he never came clean with me, that he's truthful with me now, or that he's even able to put it in the past.

So there's your answer. You are playing with fire and the likely destruction of your marriage. If you truly want to flirt with this guy, then do the right thing and divorce your husband first.

Talking to your ex is cheating on your husband.

I think these posters didn't get the answers they wanted to hear and have quit looking. Or they're hoping to get answers that tell them it's ok to have these feelings.

It's normal to have nostalgic thoughts about old flames. But it takes maturity to understand that those old flames are fantasies.

How are they fantasies?

One of these posters has a 1 year old child. That old flame hasn't had to deal with the responsibilities of parenthood. He hasn't had to change diapers or stay up in the middle of the night or scrub toilets or wipe poop off their hands from changing a baby that had a nasty accident or had bills to pay or real life to deal with.

They had fun times during carefree days with no responsibilities.

Well, we can all look back with nostalgia on such days, but the reality is that these two posters and anyone else that has made marital vows has made a committment for life. Feelings will come and go. Love is a choice and not a feeling.

Contacting old flames and staying in contact with them is wrong. Doing something that you wouldn't do with your husband sitting right next to you is wrong. THAT is the standard that needs to be followed.

There's no such thing as "harmless" flirting. It leads to temptation which leads to destroyed lives.

Stop the fantasy of bygone days with little responsibilities and join the adult world where marriage is a beatyful institution where a couple deals with life's challenges together and makes a committment to each other. That is real love.

Think of the devestation your husbands would feel if they knew you guys were pining for past flames.

Exactly. I remember telling H that his little fantasy flirt/EA/whatever you want to call it was just a pile of warmed-over shyte. They dated for about 5 months when they were both 18/19. Then they dated again for a longer period (maybe 7 months?) when they were both 25 and they were both on the rebound out of crappy relationships. And for this, I asked him, they think they are star-crossed lovers? And then I said:

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!

Best laugh I've had all week. I wonder how star crossed she would be if she had to walk even 1/2 a mile in my shoes and live with the realities of life.

What a crock.

You are hurting your marriage. If you want to delude yourself that it's harmless, then tell your spouse what you are doing now. Give him the opportunity to decide along with you that it's harmless

You may be right. But, hopefully a seed has been planted.

I am SO not repeating The Sad Saga of OtherSusan the Stupid, but after the life I have lived, I certainly understand their situation. What I DON'T understand is why on earth anyone would come on a coping-with-infidelity site and expect the answers to a question like that to be any different from what they got! To anticipate anything else is obliviousness of the most clueless kind.

tl

Ah, shaddup BigK. You'd be amazed the strides I've made recently.

FWIW, I thought this post might be a set up but I wanted to write what I wrote anyway. Who knows who is lurking.

I hate trolls.

Especially "Is it OK to drop my panties for my true love" trolls....

I enjoy an occasional trolley ride.

I Left My Panties In San Francisco?

tl

Didnt think their stories gelled, thats why I sent them over here.
Should have given them the addy for The Other Weirdo's, thats more their thing.


Hopefully ya'll gave them food for thought

You too? :MrEEk:

Actually, I threw them in the laundry, but it's hard to get a really good ballad out of that!

tl

Splish Splash I was washin' my pants along about Saturday night...



Got a nice beat and you can dance to it.

I would give it a 7.

:MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk: :MrEEk:

Ah'm bleend!!! AGIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Then I hope you're not the driver picking up the kids this afternoon!:RollieEyes:

tl

Okay, I'm thick I'll admit it.
When you guys speak of trolls, what the heck do ya mean?

Trolls are someone who posts, shall we say, less than entirely truthful information, generally to attract attention, disrupt the normal flow of on-line forums or stir up controversy in some way.

The original term, trolling, came from Usenet and refers to the fishing method of the same name. You throw a bait out there as you travel along with no intent of staying anywhere for long and see what you can catch. In fishing trolling can search for a reaction strike when location and best fishing method are not really known.

It is derived for the commercial fishing term "trawling" which refers to dragging a large net through the water column to see what you can dredge up that might be useful and is related to a word for a method of hunting in the French that implies hunting for whatever presents itself as vulnerable rather than singling out specific prey.

Both etymologies apply to Internet trolling.

Most folks assign to the the word "troll" the meaning of the Scadinavian folkloric creature known to live under bridges and prone to stirring up trouble from nowhere as you traveled along your way, though that was not it's first intended application.

This is part of what Wikipedia has to say about Internet trolls.

Thanks Mark, I get it now, very good explaination btw. Imagine, you being so thorough.

I had in my head this seedy little man under a bridge and couldn't seem to connect the two. :RollieEyes:

I don't like trolls.

Or I would go with Gloria Estefan's -

Come on baby, get off yout butt gotta wash that tanga

you know you can't take the smell any longer....

I. SAID. BALLAD. Don't you think I'm too old anyway to be singing songs about underwear? Depends, I guess...

tl

How about Donovan's

.....
I'll wring a thong for you
That's what I'm here to do
.....

???

Here you go TL .... sung to the tune of Whitney Houston's - I Will Always Love You

If I should tell,
My panties would only smell and rub.
So I'll wash, but oh my gosh,
I'll think of you ev'ry time I scrub.

And I will always smell you.
I will always smell you.
You, my darling pantie. Hmm.

Malodorous memories
that is all I'm taking with me.
So, goodbye. Please, don't cry.
We both know I'm very sticky, indeed.

And I will always smell you.
I will always smell you.

OK, I concede that's more ballad-y than any of Pio's suggestions. :RollieEyes: Not very romantic, though. Unless your romance is with Weird Al Yankovich.

tl

I had the original poster in mind ... does that matter?

Tell you the truth, I'd pretty much forgotten the original poster!

tl

dork!

What can I say? I can be easily diverted... Let's go ride bikes!

tl