I don't know how to link my story to old post so I'll try to summerize.

Don't know how to link back to old post so will try to sumerize. About 1 1/2 years ago, 31 year old woman at H's work (he is 49 sent nude video to his phone. 17 year old son found it and was devastated that his dad was cheating. H denied physical affair and promised to break off contact. I should have known something wasn't right because we haven't had sex for a year and a half. We were both under a lot of stress at work and hadn't felt well and I thought it was that.At the same time we have been like best friends. Very close and talk about everything except us and our marriage.

About 6 weeks ago he started saying things about not being in love anymore and not knowing what he wanted. Said he wanted to separate here in the house.

He came home one morning with this big plan to clean out our back music room and put the stuff in storage so that we could move our bedroom back there and then redo our bedroom. Came home from work one day and everything from back bedroom was gone. Asked where storage was and he kept being evasive and said he would give me a key.

Asked about marriage counselling and he refused. Said he was confused right now and needed space. Put a tracker on his truck and found that he had lease/purchased a condo from a friend without telling me. He had moved all that stuff to his new condo.

When I confronted him he stayed about another week saying he wasn't sure when he was leaving. During that week, I did Plan A. He held me in his arms every night and we even had sex several times but he didn't say he loved me.

Also tracker showed that he had been to her house twice in one week. Confronted him and he denied.

Since he has left, I see him very little. Talk to him rarely on the phone. Not much chance to do anymore Plan A. Everything I ask about, he just lies. Still denies other woman.

He came over Wednesday night and stayed about an hour. (Came to pick up a $4000.00 check that had come in the mail for his business). He hugged me and was nice, but wouldn't look me in the eyes very much. Told me how he felt he was having a mental breakdown and had gone to a shrink that week and how much it helped. Says the shrink says he has lots of issues to work through including a lot of unforgiveness that he has held on to. Said the shrink made the remark that when he baited him to say something negative about his wife, my H defended me.

The last couple of days I have lost it. I have called him way too much trying to get him to open up and at least quit lying to me and tell me if our marriage has any chance. He just says he doesn't know until he has more visits with shrink. I know I am acting desperate, telling him how shabbily I have been treated through this whole thing. I feel I was tricked and made a fool of and I also believe he brought girlfriend here when I was at work to pick up some things from our shed and one of his vehicles. I know he lied about who brought him here. Was evasive then said it was the wife of a friend but I don't believe him.

I feel depressed that he doesn't seem to care about my feelings in all of this or my 19 year old sons. Its like you can't believe a word that comes out of his mouth and he won't give me any straight answers about anything. I feel like he may have gone looking for shrink who would make him feel OK about what he is doing to his family although the shrink did put him on meds for depression.

He was supposed to call me back this evening - promised me that last night. I have not heard from him and he doesn't answer my calls. Just doesn't seem to care about anyone but himself.

My question is this. I get very little opportunity to do any Plan A because he doesn't live here anymore. Conversations are meaningless except we haven't addressed how the money will work or taxes, or my sons college. I'm thinking of doing Plan B but I have so much anger and depression built up that I have not been able to express and so many unanswered questions that I don't know whether I should do that now.

The man I've been married to for 20 years was my best friend and soul mate. I miss him terribly but he has changed into this person I don't even recognize. I want him back but I want the man I married- not this jerk.

Let him call you.

Be super nice when he does call. Do not solicit his conversation. You have had your say, now is the time to step back.

I believe you should not go to Plan B until you have ended your Plan A in the most positive way that you can.

Your last contact with yours WS was negative. You should end with meeting whatever needs your WS has, whatever needs you CAN fulfill at this time, and have a positive attitude before you go into Plan B.

Just be nice when he does call. Stop calling him unless you have an emergency.

Be nice. Oh, and NO relationship talk. Perhaps a few compliments about what you love about him

You are in Plan A. You want to have him miss you when you go dark.

You are worthy.

And did I say NO relationship talk?

Love in Christ,
Miss M

RNMom...

Has this affair been exposed?

Mrs. W

RN, here is your original link if anyone wants to read it so you do not have to answer the same questions.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2226946&page=1

I really don't know what to do anymore. My WH has been moved out now for several weeks. Never returns calls (mine or sons), doesn't come over to house to do things he had promised when he left to do, had his mail changed so doesnt come to pick up mail. It's like we are in no contact, even with son who is very hurt.

I had a retireed minister today at work that I took care of. He was such a blessing. He said H won't come around because he has so much shame about what he is doing. I think he is looking for a counsellor who will make him feel OK about what he is doing. Also has lied so much and done everything in such an underhanded way.

Minister says I have a right to be angry - just not vengeful. I wrote a letter tonight but didn't send it yet. It tells him exactly how I feel about everything he had done to myself and son and how much he has changed from the man I married and a whole bunch of other stuff I wanted to say.

I can't really do a Plan A when he won't communicate or come around. He is avoiding us both. I know he feels guilty about son.

I felt a lot better after I wrote the letter. Yes, there were some judgements, etc that are probably LBs but I don't think at this point that I have much to loose by sending. I went over all the consequences of giving up family, money, respect, son's well-being, wife that loved him, etc for adulterous home wrecker.

Should I send since I can't do a Plan A? He would actually like it if I did a Plan B.

RN, take that letter and now burn it. You are not telling him anything he does not know. He knows all of this...all you are doing is repeating.

I know I act on emotions but sometimes it is better to do nothing.

I probably should burn letter but why is he avoiding son and I? Is he planning to file for D or what is going on? I don't see how I have a chance when there is no interaction anymore. I think he is just living the life with OW.

Have you read any of these books from this forum. If not order them NOW and then you will understand.

Read, read read. it will make sense, especially "surviving an affair"

RN, I agree with hope. Burn the letter. But write one every time you want to tell him these things -- just don't give them to him! That's considered 'educating', as well as possible LBing, and is wasted on the wayward! But... it will do you good to express your feelings. Hopefully, knowing that you are not sending it to him will allow you to be brutally honest about how you are feeling.

Definitely get the books -- order them, or see what you can find at the library. Read everything on the main page re: infidelity. Yes, he's checked out for now, use this time to educate yourself.

Another suggestion is if you are in A and he is not around, send him short little letters telling him little things about home life and son. Keep it short, keep it light. Find a sign-off that you can use every time (like love you always or something like that). Do not mention OW or relationship. Do not guilt trip. T2L's thread has info from a previous poster who did a great job adjusting her plan.

Keep posting, keep reading and follow the plans. They will lead to recovery -- for you and maybe your marriage, but definitely for YOU!

I have bought and read How to Survive Affair. It just seems like everyone else in Plan A gets to talk to and see their WS.Since I already made the mistake of calling him multiple times one day and acting desperate, he doesn't want to talk to me anymore. Wish I hadn't done that but don't know how to undo the dammage I caused. I feel like it's "out of sight out of mind". Also my son is feeling terrible and abandoned.

I know this guy is avoiding us and I think he has resolve to see this marriage end and it's easier when he doesn't have to think about us. I think he wants to stay in his own little world with OW.

He was very close to both my son and I for most of our 20 year marriage. I don't see how he can just forget us and have no contact. How long will this go on?

Where can I find 2TL's thread about the emails?

I think one of the reasons I have had such a hard time with my emotions is because WS has never been honest about what is going on from the beginning. And he has been so unwilling to talk about anything.

I am so sorry to hear you struggling with the abandonment of you husband of 20 years. It has only been 2 weeks. Hang in there. Take this time to read and take care of yourself and your son. How old is he? Are you exercising and eating right? What were the problems with the marriage before the affair? What can you do to work on those issues? Is this the first affair? When your husband does reappear, what can you do to show yourself in a better light? Don't let him find you desperate, clingy, and weak. This is really hard and you are human but plan A is about showing your WS that you are the better choice. He is not ready to face you right now. You have been married a long time. I do think that you will have contact with your husband again and you must be prepared.

Son is 19 and at a very critical time in his life. Needs his Dad. I can't be both a mom and a dad.

What do you think his no contact with us means?

I am not a professional but I would guess that no contact is the easy way out right now. He doesn't have to deal with the shame or guilt unless he sees his family. It is easier to stay away. Adultery is all about taking the easy road imho.

You have an opportunity to teach your son about forgiveness and humanity. My son is 18 and we have talked about family and forgiveness. It has helped heal our family. You can use this tragedy to teach your son compassion. People make terrible mistakes but are still worth redemption and still have value.

Have you exposed the affair to everybody that may have influence over you WS? This is a must. This will make staying away more uncomfortable. Everyone needs to know, family, co-workers, OWH, etc.

This is not fair but just be his mom. You are at a very critical time in your life too. Can you take care of each other? You can't make your WS do anything. It is out of your hands. You can only control what you do. Be good to yourself and your son.

RN here is T2L link. Start reading there. There should be some additional links on that page to read about plans.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2133954&page=260

If you read the book you will understand that WS lie, all the time. Sometimes seeing the family causes them pain so they avoid avoid aviod. The more you beg or ask to undertand the more you will annoy him and in turn love bust even more.

Right now -- do nothing. Does not have to be a Plan B but just show your H that you are not contacting him as he wants. During that time try to get your emotions under control. You can do this.

As far as your son --- you can't make H see him. I know it is unfair and sad but you can't force him. Just give as much support as you can and make no excuses for H. I know about this, my D15 has not seen H since Dec.

Update on my situation. WH has totally quit contacting 19 year old son and I so I finally called his mother and told her that 19 year old son told me that he thinks WH left because he didn't play college baseball like my H wanted him to do.

I wrote him email at work and told H that son is blaming himself and needs support right now. Ended email by saying he doesn't need to be around OW. Response was very cold but he did call son.

He asked son to come to his condo to talk. Denied relationship with any other woman to son (not true), and said a few things that gave my son some hope. Told my son that he would help us with some of the things that needed to be done here at the house and that he would do some things with son and I. Unfortunately my son told him I was knee deep in a clinical depression (which is true).

I know from the last 6 weeks that he lies about everything. I don't believe that he will do any of that. I have quit calling him since over a week ago. I sent him one other email Friday that just said Happy Birthday and signed with my professional signature - no Love or anything like that because he never does that. ( We work at same hospital but not in same building)

His response to email was "Thanks. Hope you are doing well" and signed with his professional signature.

I have exposed to his and my parents but not workplace yet. Employee assistance told me that I would be thought of as a crazy lady if I did that. I may still do that if he cuts off his paycheck to our joint account next payday. Waiting to see.

Have not yet been able to find number for her either husband or x husband (I'm not sure which) but will also expose to him at some point.

We are having little contact but I am being polite just keeping it very brief. I don't call him anymore. Would love to do more of a Plan A. Wish he really would do some things with son and I.
He is still mad about the hidden guns and changing the locks.

I don't think he has a clue how much he is going to loose if we get D (Financially and respect, etc)Talking to him about anything to do with us right now is impossible and I know from this site, the wrong thing to do.

How long will it take an A with a woman 31 (he is 49) to end???
It's already been going on I think at least a year and a half.

How long should I wait to do Plan B?

Yikes! I had to go take an anti-D after reading your post. Are you taking them? It should only take about 3 weeks for them to kick in.

How are you doing at work, or are you off on FMLA?

Also, I would tell your son that dad is in the midst of an adulterous affair - it has nothing to do with baseball - kind of like the movie "The Body Snatchers" where dad looks and talks like dad but his body has been snatched by the alliens.

Yes, I started Lexapro about 10 days ago.

Oh good. I'm not sure how fast Lexapro kicks in. I understand it is very good.

I took Zoloft and Paxil, and noticed a big difference in about 21 days.

How are you doing at work? Or are you off?

I like my anti-depressants. It has been several months for me and I am stronger. My husband was at the house on Monday, we talked, some about relationship, mistake. however, I have not heard from him since. I believe that he misses his home because he said that things looked very nice and that he has a lot of work to do, however, I have not heard from him. I have sent him a couple of text, short, detached, and I hope pleasant, one said " I am not in control " the other said " be happy in the moment because this is your life" oh yea! I sent him a little prayer on his email yesterday. I will continue to work Plan A. go try to give him pleasant thougts of us. He admitted that his friends told him he should have never left his home and that he needs to return. He is stubborn. who knows! His mother is in contant contact with me, and is truthful about things, she invited me to church a couple week ago. She has her family in on this and just yesterday she said that she is going to get a family memeber that he respects to talk with him. We will see, right now, I am going to take care of myself.

You do the same. He will be in contact, just work on you as much as you can, I still so much advise myself.

I don't understand. My son just left here mad at me because he says I won't do anything bu mope. That is all I feel like doing right now.

I feel like we are giving him everything he wants right now. We don't contact him or say anything to him about how he has hurt us so he can just stay over in his new condo, decorate it, have dates with his OW, and never have to think about us or even feel badly about what he has done. I think as time goes on that he will get more entrenched in his new life and just never think about us. I think that the more time that goes on like this, the less likely he is to ever come home.

Today I feel like going Plan B. Even when I've emailed him a couple of times, (light and no relationship talk) his responses have been cordial but cool. Never initiates contact with me. 6 weeks ago I was his best friend. Never initiates any contact with me.

I am doing a little better than I was. Impossible to do any Plan A with the way it is.

Would Plan B make him wonder if I might move on or would it even bother him. It may be exactly what he wants.

Are you still working?

Yes, I have to. No more vacation left but do have FMLA.

Just wondering, because part of Plan A is exposing the affair. It sounds like this would be very hard for you to do. But that is what usually ends the affair.

Need advice please. Yesterday, because my WH never contacts me, against all advice, I wrote him a letter asking why he refuses to at least be friends with my son and I. I also outlined all the reasons why we should not get divorced.

His response back was basically that he thought I had been unfair by taking his guitars. Never mentioned the guns which are worth a lot more. Said he had asked for 2 of the guitars because he needed to play them and said I had been unwilling to be his friend because I had not given them to him when he asked.

He didn't comment much about the letter which also had a lot of questions about taxes, etc. Just kept asking for guitars. We talked back and forth on email all day. Several times I asked if he had filed for divorce and he ignored question.

Finally, said that I don't understand anything about how he is feeling and that he needs me to listen and not just make assumptions about how he feels. Still wouln't answer the question and ended it by saying that we need to talk in person about the letter. Says he is coming over tonight at 8:30. It may be that he is only coming for guitars. I want an answer to my question before I give him guitars but should I just give them to him anyway?

It is the first time we have communicated much at all. What does this mean? Is he filing for divorce? He didn't say he loved me but said " I am not upset with you and don't have bad feelings toward you."

RNmom

Your H cares more about his guitars than he does his family??? His own child? This does not make any sense to me at all. Why does he want them sooooooooooooooo badly? I would certainly not give them to him. He is manipulating you with these items...if you give me my guitars, I will talk to you...wow, that is just shocking to me honestly.
Seems that if he had filed for D you would have received something but I'm not sure. Maybe you should call an attorney--have you done this?
Exposure is key if you want to end his A. Plain and simple.
But, you asked what does this mean? It means he is manipulating you and jerking you around--all because of some guitars.

RN you are still looking for validation from your husband. He is not your H right now but a wayward. He will lie.

I agree about exposure at work. Go to HR. Does OW work for H? It is wrong. Plain and simple

Stop trying to negotiate with him, don't give him the guitars -- he will not like you any better. Stop trying to second guess him. He is in deep with the OW right now and does not care for you or your son because he is in a fog. All energy is going into the A. These are hard truths. It is like dealing with an alcoholic -- you can't.

Hi RNMOM - I just read your story and wanted to send you my prayers. I know you are so sad right now and feeling horrible. Do you have a close friend that you can call and talk to? That really helped me when I was at your stage. Just a thought. Please don't go through this alone! I talked to my sisters so much and they really made me feel so much better.

I think that Plan A is about being the better person. I wouldn't hold his guitars hostage. I don't believe it is about the guitars. It is just typical WS fog-babble. You have to be blamed for something in fogland. I would try to rock your plan A when he comes over. You don't get many opportunities with him.

OK I need support right now. I emailed him today asking if he was filing for divorce and he never answered. He was supposed to come tonight at 8:30 to pick up guitars but I called and left message for him to let me know if he was coming. No return phone call from him.

I don't believe he will show up because I think I'm getting ready to be served. I am scared to death of someone ringing my doorbell at 5 in the morning to serve me. I feel like I'm going to freak out....

Well he did show up for guitars. Stayed about an hour and was very nice. Said he wanted us to work on our friendship right now and that he is still seeing counsellor and said just don't put any pressure on me right now. Also said he was not filing for D and that he planned to sends me check to help with son and some bills.. Praise the Lord. It went so much better than I thought it would.

Glad it went well. Friendship is a good place to start over. Hang in there. I know this is really hard. There are a lot of people here that you can vent to.

I have not heard from him since he came for guitars. Tonight I'm feeling really insecure and sad - wondering if he was just nice because it got him guitars. He was sick the night he came. I said something about OW and he sort of threw up his hands and said something like "Oh thats a real mess and I don't really feel like talking about it right now"

He is supposed to bring a check by Monday. I've played it pretty cool this last week but feel like calling him tonight and asking "Just what is your relationship with her? Do you love her?" I know he never tells me he loves me anymore. Told he parents he wasn't dating anyone seriously and makes all of this about him needing time away to figure out what he wants.

Am I being played for a fool? Or was the other night a good thing that he was so nice to me? Talk me out of calling if I shouldn't.....

Just to reiterate what I said before. Please stop the relationship talk, read about Plan A and give it a try when you do talk to him. You are fairly early into this. STEP BACK. Stop reacting. Get your Plan A going. Don't talk about ow.

Miss M,

You are so much help to me when I need it. I appreciate you. You always talk me into the high road.

Love in Christ,

RN

thank you.

Just step back and breathe. Do everything you can to fulfill his EN's when you can.

Get the house clean, support your son, and pray, pray pray!!!

Hope those anti-d's help you soon.

Just know that we are here for you.

Crying, begging, and LB's are not going to get your WH back.

Just know I am praying for you. You are WORTHY!!! Start acting like it.

God has a plan for you!!!

Love in Christ,
Miss M

I just said a prayer for you after reading your post. Please don't give up! You are in God's hands!

Is there a reason you didn't have SF for a year and a half?

I think this could be a major reason your WS is having an A.

Do you know what his top EN's are?

Just some food for thought.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

Sorry I got off last night and went to bed.

About the no sex for 1 1/2 years. We both have very stressful jobs. Both have problems with our backs. He complains all the time about neck and arm pain. I also think we had gotten in a rut about sex. Same old thing every time. He even said that.

I guess I was in denial. Thought it was his health, stress, and maybe low testosterone level. Boy was I wrong. Wish not I had done something about it but he never seemed to want to talk about it when I brought it up. I guess now it was because he was seeing OW.

That last week he was here with me we had sex 3 times in about 5 days....

I just did a very stupid thing. My WH was supposed to bring me a check if I gave him the guitars Wednesday night. He was real nice to me that night. Now he won't answer his phone and no check. I think I've been scammed again just to get the guitars. Now my son and I will hardly be able to pay the bills and eat.

I just called him a left a voice mail. I said "you have evidently scammed me again. You don't even care if your son and I can pay the bills or even buy food. I hope you and your little girlfriend burn in hell together.

Then I called back and left one more message. I said "I wouldn't tell our son this but I dont think you care one bit about him. You never answer his phone calls and you should be talking to him at least every other day. I think he was right. If he would have played college ball you would have stayed because you would get some glory....What a man you are"

I know this was terrible love busting but I've really come to the conclusion that he cares nothing about us. He scammed, lies, doesn't answer either of our calls and now have left us without enough income to even make it.

I think he is really in deep with this 31 year old woman. Since he's been gone this last month it seems to be getting worse and worse. I think their relationship has really blossomed now that they can be together all the time. I don't believe that he will ever come back. I am so very depressed and sad right now.

RN, the thing is that waywards lie... all the time. Yes, you probably shouldn't have done that but what you do now is get up, brush yourself off and start over. It's okay.

As far as the support, you really should do something about that if you can. He is OBLIGATED by law to support his child. If you don't want to go the legal route, do you have anyone you could turn to for help with food and the bills? Do you belong to a local church? There is NO SHAME in asking for help. Of course, your WH should be helping but if he isn't, you've got to do something. And trying to GUILT your WH into it won't work. Trust me, I tried everything to no avail.

I'm so sorry you're hurting. I've been right where you are. It's not too late. For now, concentrate on caring for YOURSELF and your son. He needs you. I know it's hard, but you can do it. You're an RN!

Hugs to you and prayers for you RN.

RN:

We have attempted to advise you what to do to fight this Affair.

So, I will give you the clinical way of doing it. And every hospital runs on paper.

Document IT.

Start documenting everything. That happens. So that your attorney can help you get the support that you so desperatly need.

Because your wayward husband doesn't care. HE doesn't care that you are broke. That his son is having issues. That you don't have toilet paper.

Your Husband no longer exists. He has been replaced by Wayward Husband.

We can provide all sorts of advice on how to defeat Wayward Husband. But its up to you to use it.

There is no "magic pill".

Only work. That YOU get to do.

(((RN)))


LG

Excellent advice LG, as usual.

OK - he did finally call me back. He said I don't appreciate the things you said on those voice mail. I said, "I'm sure you didn't but you were going to scam me again and I'm so tired of all this. I dont think you love me or want to be friends with us so if its her you want just tell me so I can move on with my life. I'm tired of being in limbo. Are you going to make me hire a PI to find out what is going on or are you going to tell me the truth about things. You have treated me like dog crap through this whole thing and I deserve to know what is going on.

He said, I will bring you a check tomorrow night and we will talk about it. Now I'm very afraid of what he will tell me. If he says it is her he loves, and not me, what should I do????

RNMom,

STEP BACK. STOP REACTING.

You are Love Busting all over the place.

Don't make me go back to my original post. :crosseyedcrazy:

Calling him names (scammer) is NOT helping you.

Get into plan A pronto.

Yes, he scammed you for the guitars. And. . . ?

You STEP BACK. You don't react.

Read up on MB.

Get a Plan. Stop being in your plan, which is not working, and get into Plan A. NO relationship talk. No name calling. Know what is happening and stop reacting. Get your PLAN. Listen up to the wonderful people that are trying to help you.

Stop this. Do you want to be right, or do you want to be married?

STOP calling him and challenging him. Be nice.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

You have some great people giving you advise.

Listen up, do the right thing. By the way, have you exposed? You were asked this, and I don't know if you responded to this.

Exposure, along with plan A, emphasis being on plan A, is poison to the A.

Listen to the great people here.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

RNmom--do you hear how immature the above statement sounds? It is fogbabble and wayward speak.
You were advised NOT to give in to your H's request for these items yet you did it anyway and now you're surprised that he did not hold up to his end of the bargain?



Why did you do this? Maybe you should have "bargained" with him and said "when you give me the check, I will give you the guitars." He has used you yet again.

Even if you don't want to D you should at least consult with an attorney and establish some seperation agreement so that you can get financial support. It is way past time for you to get tough with WH--especially where finances are concerned.
Why are you so reluctant to stand up and protect yourself and your son from this crackhead?
Contact a lawyer...and get some kind of financial agreement in place--PROTECT YOURSELF, please.

And, BTW RNmom...Miss M is right...exposure is your only hope.

I just saw this and it is from a few days ago, so I don't know if anything has changed for you, but your story sounds very much like mine. I too feel davastated. I have been trying to be kind, loving (not romantic) to my husband and look my best when I see him, I don't know if that is plan A or not. This is my first day here. I don't know how to walk this journey, I just know that it is so painful. I do think it's best to back away from your husband. To be stong and confident around him. Good luck.

So much has happened since I talked to you last. He showed up Monday night and brought us a check. He only kept out a couple of hundred dollars out of his paycheck and gave us the rest. I asked him about his OW. I said that I had a right to know what the relationship was so that I could move on with my life. I asked if he loved her. He said "No, its nothing like that. I said "You know she will end up cheating on you" and he said Look, I know she is way too young and yes, she will end up cheating."

My son came home and we had so much fun. We kept teasing him about that he could get his guns back if he came home and we were all laughing. I said "What are you going to do with that condo when you come back" and he said I'll probably sell it. Then he said, "But I want to fix it up myself without your help because you'll make it all girly and stuff" It was a good night with him. My son and I both felt at the end of the night like he was probably going to come back.

I emailed him on Wednesday about my electric bill and said some funny comment about laundry and he answered back some funny comment and said he did have my electric bill and would call me.

I've never heard another word from him all week. I called him tonight about looking for my son that I was worried about. He said he would call me back in a few minutes. 30 minutes later, I got a text that just said "Ill be there at 7 AM to pick up son because they are doing a job together" I called and left message that I needed to talk to him about son. He finally called a long time later and acted like he didn't really want to talk to me. I said why don't you just come here and sleep since you guys have to get up so early because he seemed afraid that he wouldn't be able to get up in the morning. He acted very strange when I said that..very cool and declined my offer. I really felt offended.

I feel like even though he says he wants us to be friends, he never initiates anything with me. No phone calls or emails and hardly ever comes over.

I feel like I am the only one wanting the friendship even though he says he does. I wrote a Plan B letter tonight because I just don't know how much more feeling of rejection I can take. Now I'm wondering if he was telling the truth about his relationship with OW and it not meaning anything. He acts like he has a very short leash if you know what I mean. Either that or he just doesn't want very much to do with us although he has been very good about the money.

Should I give him the Plan B letter since I hardly ever talk to him? I can't handle very much more of these feeling of rejection.

Well...I've been crying all night long. I gave him the plan b letter. It did not go well. He came this morning to pick up my son to do a job with him today. I sort of stayed in my room because I feel like I need to back off some. He called later and said they would be working most of the day and he was nice.

He forgot to bring my electric bill so he told me on the phone that he would go to his condo and get it and bring it to me when they were finished with the job.

I got all dressed waiting for him and he just dropped my son off and went home - never came in. I called him and told him that I wanted to give him a letter and that I was coming over. I asked if she was there and his wouldn't answer. I said I was coming anyway and he kept asking what was in the letter but would never answer about whether she was there.

I told him that if she is there, you can just come out to my car and get the letter. I pulled in and sat in my car for a while reading the letter over again and he came to my window. He asked for the letter and I said, "Can I come in or is she there?" He said no she is not there but you can not come in because we agreed that we would not show up at each other's homes without calling first. I said "I wouldn't treat a dog the way you are treating me" I said, maybe I just need to call Matthew. He said "Who is Matthew?" and I said it's her husband. He yelled at me "So you just want to start a lot of s---t." I called him crying on my way home. Evidently he had only read half of the letter. I said, "I have never had anyone be so rude to me in my life" He said, "Just let me finish the letter and I'll call you back." I guess after he finished the letter and saw the no contact thing he decided not to call me back.

My sister came over here (she is going to by my intermediary). I had her call him to get his address so I could send mail and he acted irritated with her but gave the address. Wanted to know what it was I was going to send.

My sister and I talked trying to figure this whole thing out because it doesn't make any sense. Monday night he sounded like he was going to come home. I also asked if he wanted me to file for divorce and he said No. Then I remembered a conversation he and I had a few weeks ago before he left. I asked if she was pregnant and he denied it but then asked me if that were the case would you ever be willing to raise another woman's baby? I just kind of blew it off as smalltalk and said "No woman is going to give you custody of her baby."

Now, my sister and I are wondering if he left so suddenly and in such a desperate manner if she is indeed pregnant. He has told me in the past that she is a drama queen. Could it be that he feels that she may do something if he is not with her right now and that she is pregant? My sister thinks it was a very odd comment for him to make but he has sworn to me and to his mother that she is not pregnant.

Why doesn't he want me to file for divorce when he won't initiate any thing towards a friendship or anything?

So he got my Plan B letter and I am very, very sad. Don't know how I can go on without him. Does anyone think I even have a chance to get him back. I did a little good with Plan A but just found that I couldn't take feeling rejected all the time and felt I needed to go on to Plan B. I just didn't have enough opportunity with him to do a good Plan A because he dosen't live here and I don't communicate very much because he never contacts me.

You are all over the map.

You did NOT do a good plan A, or for very long.

I suggest you read a LOT more on this site and please RN, just STEP BACK and STOP REACTING to everything.

You are reacting, not doing what is healthiest for you and your family.

I don't know why you kept calling and talking about ow and about your relationship with WS.

It really is the opposite of what you are supposed to do.

You are supposed to go into Plan B after you have done a good plan A, that leaves and empty spot in your WS when you do it right.

It's too bad you didn't post your Plan B letter here and gotten help with it before you gave it to your WS. You could have a lot of help and good advice.

Have you gone to Plan B with your WS having good memories of you?

I don't think so.

Anyway, I suggest you read about MB and what it really is about.

We keep giving you advice and I don't think you have followed any of it. How can we help you when you just do what you want anyway?

The people that have been here a long time KNOW what you need to do. We have all been through it.

I am sorry you are having a hard time following Marriage Builders advice.

I don't know what else to say to you, you seem to be on your own agenda. You aren't in plan A or plan B, you are in plan RN.

I don't mean this in a mean way, but really, has what you have done so far been working for you?

Best wishes, I hope others can post and perhaps you will listen.

Love in Christ,
Miss M

If it was the wrong thing to do can I call him and take it back?

Hello RN,

MissM asked some very good questions that you should probably go ahead and answer to help people to help you...

I also have one...

You mentioned your OW's husband's name was Matthew...

Why did you THREATEN to call OW's husband Matthew instead of just DOING it?

Have you not exposed the affair to Matthew and EVERYONE else you know yet???

In reading your thread EVERYONE had advised you to EXPOSE THE AFFAIR and yet it seemed you had exposed only a very limited amount...

LIKE MISSM ADVISED, YOU MUST START USING A PLAN AND STOP JUMPING ALL OVER THE PLACE.

Start with letting us know EVERYONE you have exposed to.

God bless.

Jim

Ok you are right. I have really blown it. I think my emotions have gotten the best of me and I have not done things the way I should have. I'm going to show you my Plan B letter and then tell me if there is anything I can do to turn my mistakes around.

Dear WH,

I have begun to realize over the last couple of weeks that for whatever reason, you do not really want a friendship with me at this time. This is very difficult for me to face as for so many years I have thought of you as my very best friend in the world. I always thought that you loved me and always had my best interest at heart. It's so inconceivable to me that I was so wrong believing you felt the same way.

Your adulterous affair has destroyed much of the good things about our marriage. It's like you don't even remember anything good about the last 20 years. You treat me now as someone who has no real meaning to you at all.

I very much wanted to at least rekinkle the good friendship we had but now I am beginning to see that it is an impossibility. It takes 2 people to commit to any kind of a relationship and only one of us desires it.

I'm not stupid. You don't come here to see our son and I, you don't call me or initiate any kind of contact with me. The way you acted when I suggested you spend the night here really showed me how little you want a relationship.

I know you pretty well. In spite of what you tell me, you do probably have a need for the same things we all do. Companionship, friendship, love, admiration, acceptance, emotional support, conversation, and affection. Someone else is filling those needs for you right now. At the same time, I'm not getting any of those needs met.

I can't make you love me or want me. That's just not possible. We each have to choose what makes us happy in life.

The way you have treated me has hurt me more than I have ever been hurt in my life. And I hurt so much for our son. This is really all out of my hands and in God's hands. I just know that I can't take anymore rejection right now. Feeling like I'm pressuring you to have a relationship of any kind that you don't want is just too painful for me right now. It is also destroying the love I have for you. With every lie you tell me, I loose a little more of what I feel for you.

I need to step away from you right now for my own self esteem and to preserve any love I have left for you.

I believe that our marriage is worth recovering but it can never happen when you are involved in an adulterous affair. It would take a lot of changes in me which I am willing to work on but it would also require you to have no more contact with (OW) ever again and I can't see that happening anytime soon. Right now, I believe that she has taken my place in meeting your needs because I can tell that you neither need or want me to meet any of those needs.

I have made a lot of mistakes in the past as you also have. I have been forgiven by God - I just can't seem to ever be forgiven by you. That's sad because I've had to forgive you for many things in the past.

I need some time to get myself together - for whatever the future holds. And I want God in my life.

I think it would be best for both of us if we had no more contact for a while. Maybe we can both figure out what we want.

If you need to get a message to me about any business matters, my sister has agreed to be an intermediary for us. That way, you don't have to talk to me anymore. She will be glad to relay any non-personal messages for us.

I want you to know how very much I appreciate the way you have helped us financially. It means a lot to me. Don't think for a minute that I don't know how hard you have had to work to do this.

Please try to have more of a relationship with our son. He really loves you and needs you.

I do want you to be happy and I will probably always love you as I remember the last 20 years very differently than you do.

Love and miss you,

RN

OK, I have exposed to our 19 year old son, my WH's parents and sister, my family. I am afraid that if I go too far, that he will cut off any financial help. I was also told by employee
assistance that I would be labled as an unstable woman if I did that at work. With threatening layoffs, I am afraid. As far as OWs husband, I called the only number I had and a man answered and when I asked for H he said he doesn't live here anymore. I asked where he lived and the man said, "I don't know the exact address" Then I asked "Is he still married?" and the man said "Who is this and hung up. I called back yesterday and talked to him again. I don't know exactly what the relationship is but I think he knows him. This time, I told him that I had something very important and personal to talk to H about and I thought it was something he need to know. The man said that his wife had the number but was taking care of her sick father and to call back another time when she was home.

I know that if I expose to work or H that my WH will cut off support which has been good up until now. If I get a lawyer, I'm afraid that it will just start a divorce process which I'm not ready for. I don't think I would get separate maintinence as I make more money that my WH and my son is too old for child support.

You have to start the process sometimes in order to get what you need. The divorce process can always be stopped.

I don't even think you can get spousal support in Texas and I make more than he does.

Someone please give me some advice as to whether I can turn this around and what I should do. Please read my PB letter and reasons I have not gone further with exposure....I am so heartbroken right now. I felt like all Plan A was doing was irritating him and he just wasn't responding.

http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2225152#Post2225152

RNmom,

You have had some of the best advice here, now I am wondering why you haven't been following it.

I was wondering why people aren't responding to your thread, and found your old thread.

Have you changed any of your thinking or behaviors at all?

You need to listen up and stop reacting if you want to save your marriage.

Is what you are doing working?

Best wishes,

Love in Christ,
Miss M

You are right. What can I do now if anything?

Should I call and appoligize and say I didn't mean what I said in the letter? Should I further expose and risk loosing any financial support?

Are you getting individual counseling?

ITA with Pep.

I suggest you find a good Christian counselor IMMEDIATELY, who will understand that you want to save your marriage and help you process what has happened to you. Probably not associated with where you work.

We understand that you are devastated, but it is time to pull yourself together!

Your Plan B letter was full of disrespectful judgments, and your list of negatives about your WS on your other thread says that you are not doing what it takes to try to recover your marriage. You are doing nothing but pushing your WS further away from you. You are making the ow look really good, focusing on the negative.

We cannot help you if you don't get a PLAN.

You need to own your part in your marital problems, and fix what you were doing wrong. You are not responsible for the A, that is your WS's choice, but you have to see your part in your problems, and get busy changing all that!

Stop trying to change your WS, you can only change yourself.

Please get some help and pull yourself together.

Just be still and stop reacting. Go back over your other thread and re-read the advice you have been given.

You have been given excellent advice. I don't think I could add anything else.

Love in Christ,
Miss M