You are not far past D-Day.
Are you in Plan A or Plan B?
If you're in Plan A, you should NOT be talking about the relationship, counseling, divorce, none of it. You should be meeting his ENs (and that does NOT include "explaining" things to him - that's a DJ) and avoiding LBs.
Sorry to object here, turtlehead, but the description of Plan A/Plan B, linked in your own signature, does not say the above. It says:
Plan A is for the betrayed spouse to negotiate with the wayward spouse to totally separate from the lover without angry outbursts, disrespect, and demands. These three Love Busters not only ruin any effort to reach a negotiated settlement, but they also make the betrayed spouse much less attractive to the wayward spouse. Instead of encouraging total separation from the lover, the anger, disrespect and demands of the betrayed spouse make the lover appear to be the only one who truly cares about the wayward spouse. They literally throw the wayward spouse into the arms of the lover.
On the other hand, if the betrayed spouse approaches the wayward spouse with respect and thoughtfulness, the cruelty and self-indulgence of the affair is much easier for the wayward spouse to understand. And once the wayward spouse's mistake is acknowledged, it's much easier for him or her to take the first step toward recovery by agreeing to never see or talk to the lover again.
In these negotiations for total separation, the causes of the affair should be addressed. Since one of these causes is usually unfulfilled emotional needs, the betrayed spouse should express a willingness to meet those needs after the affair has ended.
Another common cause is a wayward spouse's failure to take the betrayed spouse's feelings into account. The betrayed spouse's inconsiderate behavior sometimes leads the wayward spouse to believe that he or she has the right to return thoughtlessness with thoughtlessness by having an affair. Willingness of the betrayed spouse to follow the Policy of Joint Agreement goes a long way toward resolving the issue of thoughtlessness.
A third possible cause of an affair is a lifestyle where spouses spend much of their leisure time apart from each other, and form leisure-time friendships with those of the opposite sex. A plan to avoid being away from each other overnight and making each other favorite leisure-time companions goes a long way toward creating a passionate marriage that is essentially affair-proof.
In general, a betrayed spouse's effort to encourage the wayward spouse to end the affair should address all the root causes of the affair, and offer a solid plan for marital recovery. It should not be one-sided, however. The plan should make the wayward spouse and the betrayed spouse equally responsible for following the overall plan.
What are Plan A and Plan B? It seems to me that a discussion of "the relationship" - both the marriage and the affair - is integral to the plan.
Why is "explaining" things a disrespectful judgement? I can see much scope for explanation as well, in what Dr Harley describes. Negotiating for the WS to separate from the OP and exploring unmet needs might all involve explaining. Why is explaining bad? Doesn't it depend on the way it is done?
Similarly, I cannot see that Dr Harley would be against this being done in counselling. The MB team coach many people while the affair has not yet ended and the BS is in Plan A. Why do you say that counselling should not be addressed during Plan A?