Is closure re: lying, manipulative OW possible? - 05/11/09 04:49 PM
Warning! This is long. If you don't want to read all my examples, please just read the next three paragraphs.
I'd love to hear how BS's handle thoughts of the OP. DH(FWH) and I are doing so well in recovery. H has finally been able to give me all the details of the A that he couldn't bear to talk about earlier. We are now both at peace with the slight exception of me wondering what to think about OW. Should I pity her, should I hate her, should I forgive her? I've had no communication with her.
Right after d-day, H painted the OW as an innocent bystander, believing that he had done all the pursuing and that she wasn't expecting, much less actively working toward, the end of our M. H took all the blame for the A. With this little bit of information, I often felt sorry for her. I felt she had gotten sucked into the insanity of H's midlife crisis. I knew she had been badly hurt, particularly when H sent a harsh NC e-mail two days before Christmas.
Now that I've heard all the details, I'm left thinking the OW is a passive-aggressive, manipulative, lying skank who was on a mission to end my M from H's first contact with her. (H and OW went to high school together. They had a very brief fling back in the day which he didn't pursue. They had a 6 month very long-distance EA and a 1 week PA when H went back to his hometown for his 30th high school reunion. H ended the A about a month before d-day.)
From the beginning, H told OW he loved me and wasn't going to leave me. He assumed that he had laid the ground rules for the A and that she was OK with them. She clearly had other plans and was very patient, but H, in his fog, couldn't see it. Here are just some of the ways OW lied to and/or manipulated H:
H explained the A to her as a result of his midlife crisis. She actually researched MLC's and "helpfully" reported to him we were likely to divorce as a result.
OW tried to make H jealous by telling him that she and her (possibly imaginary) boyfriend had SF at least twice a night. A couple of days later she admitted to H that this wasn't true and that she only said it because she was stoned and trying to make him jealous.
OW would go "dark" occasionally in an effort to make him miss her. I read about this tactic on The Other Woman board.
During the EA, H would spend almost all the time talking about himself (his MLC made him into a manic, self-absorbed basket case). She was giving him the emotional equivalent of a hand job (sorry for the graphic analogy).
OW must have believed that SF was the way to cement their A and break up the M. In the months leading up to H's reunion, he lamented the fact that she lives about a 15 minute drive away from where he would be staying (with his mother), which was also where all the reunion action would take place. Despite the clear implication that it wasn't worth it to H to drive 15 minutes out of his way for SF with her, OW actually rented a place close to where H would be. During the week they were together, she left her two teenage children alone in her house so she could spend the nights with H. The younger one, who was only 12 or so, was even sick at the time.
Several times prior to the reunion, H would express misgivings about turning their EA into a PA and would ask her to cancel the vacation rental. She would tell him that even if they weren't there together, she still wanted to be closer to the action. She told H that the money for the rental ($500) was no big deal, even though she lives in one of the most expensive places in the country on a teacher's salary. She told H her step-father was rich and supported her. (Probably a lie.)
OW told H that she owned property in Vegas, which just happens to be H's favorite vacation spot. I am fairly certain this is a lie.
After the PA, OW asked whether it's possible his vasectomy didn't take, because although she's always regular, she was late. (OW was 48 at the time and H had his vasectomy checked twice.) H had totally forgotten this one. Once I started to realize how manipulative she had been, I asked H whether there had been a pregnancy scare. My clueless H answered, "no, but she did ask me about my vasectomy because she was late."
When H told OW he needed to end all contact because I had learned of the EA (the PA d-day wasn't until a week later), she just laughed and told him he could "spin" his way out of it.
OW supposedly had an abusive M (I now question anything she ever told H). She smokes pot regularly and drinks a lot. The one time they went somewhere together during the day, she threw up. Clueless H just believed her when she said it was because the heat was too much for her that day. (She has lived her whole life in a hot, humid tropical place . . .) Turns out she was just hungover.
H has finally realized that she was a very active participant in the A and that she was trying to break us up. Based on the phone records, had H not pulled back from the A when he did, I believe she would have gotten "careless" in contacting him so that their A would be discovered, which in her mind would have ended our M.
Is it possible to get closure regarding the OP, or do I have to make an effort to just stop thinking about her and what she's done? As I explained to H, I have a lot of rage toward her, some of which would have been directed at him had I not instinctively gone into Plan A on d-day.
I'd love to hear how BS's handle thoughts of the OP. DH(FWH) and I are doing so well in recovery. H has finally been able to give me all the details of the A that he couldn't bear to talk about earlier. We are now both at peace with the slight exception of me wondering what to think about OW. Should I pity her, should I hate her, should I forgive her? I've had no communication with her.
Right after d-day, H painted the OW as an innocent bystander, believing that he had done all the pursuing and that she wasn't expecting, much less actively working toward, the end of our M. H took all the blame for the A. With this little bit of information, I often felt sorry for her. I felt she had gotten sucked into the insanity of H's midlife crisis. I knew she had been badly hurt, particularly when H sent a harsh NC e-mail two days before Christmas.
Now that I've heard all the details, I'm left thinking the OW is a passive-aggressive, manipulative, lying skank who was on a mission to end my M from H's first contact with her. (H and OW went to high school together. They had a very brief fling back in the day which he didn't pursue. They had a 6 month very long-distance EA and a 1 week PA when H went back to his hometown for his 30th high school reunion. H ended the A about a month before d-day.)
From the beginning, H told OW he loved me and wasn't going to leave me. He assumed that he had laid the ground rules for the A and that she was OK with them. She clearly had other plans and was very patient, but H, in his fog, couldn't see it. Here are just some of the ways OW lied to and/or manipulated H:
H explained the A to her as a result of his midlife crisis. She actually researched MLC's and "helpfully" reported to him we were likely to divorce as a result.
OW tried to make H jealous by telling him that she and her (possibly imaginary) boyfriend had SF at least twice a night. A couple of days later she admitted to H that this wasn't true and that she only said it because she was stoned and trying to make him jealous.
OW would go "dark" occasionally in an effort to make him miss her. I read about this tactic on The Other Woman board.
During the EA, H would spend almost all the time talking about himself (his MLC made him into a manic, self-absorbed basket case). She was giving him the emotional equivalent of a hand job (sorry for the graphic analogy).
OW must have believed that SF was the way to cement their A and break up the M. In the months leading up to H's reunion, he lamented the fact that she lives about a 15 minute drive away from where he would be staying (with his mother), which was also where all the reunion action would take place. Despite the clear implication that it wasn't worth it to H to drive 15 minutes out of his way for SF with her, OW actually rented a place close to where H would be. During the week they were together, she left her two teenage children alone in her house so she could spend the nights with H. The younger one, who was only 12 or so, was even sick at the time.
Several times prior to the reunion, H would express misgivings about turning their EA into a PA and would ask her to cancel the vacation rental. She would tell him that even if they weren't there together, she still wanted to be closer to the action. She told H that the money for the rental ($500) was no big deal, even though she lives in one of the most expensive places in the country on a teacher's salary. She told H her step-father was rich and supported her. (Probably a lie.)
OW told H that she owned property in Vegas, which just happens to be H's favorite vacation spot. I am fairly certain this is a lie.
After the PA, OW asked whether it's possible his vasectomy didn't take, because although she's always regular, she was late. (OW was 48 at the time and H had his vasectomy checked twice.) H had totally forgotten this one. Once I started to realize how manipulative she had been, I asked H whether there had been a pregnancy scare. My clueless H answered, "no, but she did ask me about my vasectomy because she was late."
When H told OW he needed to end all contact because I had learned of the EA (the PA d-day wasn't until a week later), she just laughed and told him he could "spin" his way out of it.
OW supposedly had an abusive M (I now question anything she ever told H). She smokes pot regularly and drinks a lot. The one time they went somewhere together during the day, she threw up. Clueless H just believed her when she said it was because the heat was too much for her that day. (She has lived her whole life in a hot, humid tropical place . . .) Turns out she was just hungover.
H has finally realized that she was a very active participant in the A and that she was trying to break us up. Based on the phone records, had H not pulled back from the A when he did, I believe she would have gotten "careless" in contacting him so that their A would be discovered, which in her mind would have ended our M.
Is it possible to get closure regarding the OP, or do I have to make an effort to just stop thinking about her and what she's done? As I explained to H, I have a lot of rage toward her, some of which would have been directed at him had I not instinctively gone into Plan A on d-day.