Lost in emotion - 05/15/09 04:12 PM
Hey everyone, I am new to the forum and I am having a very difficult time.
I fouud out my wife was having an affair about three and a half months ago. I had a feeling she was up to something by her work hours and the way she was treating me. Then, one day I received a phone call from a woman telling me that my wife was seeing another man. The woman it turns out was the other guys x married lover that he dumped to start seeing and sleeping with my wife. He is married also.
I confronted her about the affair and she denied it from day one except to say that she had met someone and that they had talked on the phone twice. Two days later she said that they had spoken on the phone once and met each other out once. Two days after that she said that she had been speaking to him regularly every day and seen each other only once. I still did not believe what she was telling me but I was very nice and understanding while we waited to see a marriage councelor. I am under the impression that the affair was going on at least three or four months prior to her moving out but I can not be sure because she has never really answered any of my questions except to tell me that she was leaving the office and going to his house in the afternoon to have sex with him.
I finally lost my temper when three days before we were to go to counceling she started in on me about how bad of a husband I was and how the new guy listened to her and how nice he was to her (this was supposed to be a no talk day). Of course, he had no responsibility to her and never had to deal with her problems. I know that I am not perfect but this was all too much for me. As usual that night I could not get any sleep and when I woke up at 2:30am this time I was feeling as upset if not more than ever about the whole thing.
When she woke up at 5:15 she came into my office and started in on me again. I told her to get out of the house and never to come back. I just totally lost it. I also told her that I knew there was more to the affair than she was telling me. I went on to say that I knew she was getting screwed by this guy and so on.
I was legally able to throw her out because of our matrimonial agreement. I never realized how strong it was. Pretty much everything is in my name. We also have no children. We have been together for 19 years and 17 of those years were very happy ones. Then her mid life came crashing in. It has been a disaster ever since.
All along after my finding out about the affair she kept calling me and e-mailing me to tell me how sorry she was and how she never meant to hurt me. She also kept telling me how much she loved me. After being separated for a month and a half and having both signed a separation agreement contract she had kept telling me that she would like to reconcile. Finally one evening I went to her apartment and had dinner with her and she told me a little more about the affair, how she had created a large wound in my heart that was her responsibility to heal and so on. She said that she really wanted to get back together, that she would never see him again, how she had only been with him once since we split (a major league lie)and how she also wanted to move to a different part of town and to buy a house over there. Essentially she wanted me to put a down payment on the home and she would make the payments. She also suggested that I keep the other house and sell it later when the market got better and then we could move in together. This worried me especially after because of our matrimonial agreement she got none of my estate and was only able to keep what was hers. I should note that she is very generously paid by her company (six figures) of which she is the president.
The day after our talk I went to lunch near where she lives now and low and behold there they were having lunch together. I left and waited outside and sure enough after lunch they proceeded across the street to her apartment and stayed at her place for close to an hour. I was freaking out!
Now another month and a half has passed. I know now that she and her lover are the most difficult of adultrists. They started as friends and that evolved into a sexual relationship. I also know that they still see each other often and likely engage in intercourse regularly. She considers him her best friend and other than him she only has one other friend.
My dilemma is what to do now. We are almost four months into our separation and she has just removed her final belongings from the house. That was a very emotional event for the both of us. She and I talked of reconciliation but I told her that I could not even begin to think of the process until after she ended her relationship. Like I said I know that they are still with each other as much as the guy can get away from his family and job.
What do I do? I told her not to ever contact me again until she has stopped seeing him. Yet it is still so traumatic and emotional for me. I just can't stop thinking about how much I loved her and I do still care for her. This was so unlike her but I also know that we were having issues and her libedo had taken off in a major way a little over a year and a half ago. She is also very insecure yet also very pretty. Sexually I have no problems but I was not interested in some of the things that she had wanted for me to take part in.
So, what do I do? I have not talked to her in a few days and I have sent her the note telling her not to contact me again. Yet I have some friends that say they think we could still make it work while others say once the trust is gone not just once, but twice after seeing her again with him the day after she swore to never see him again.
Should I even remotely be considering reconciliation? I miss her greatly but I am scared to death. She says that she is as well. What are the chances of her getting back with this guy that she has said in the past is like Heroin to her?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
M
I fouud out my wife was having an affair about three and a half months ago. I had a feeling she was up to something by her work hours and the way she was treating me. Then, one day I received a phone call from a woman telling me that my wife was seeing another man. The woman it turns out was the other guys x married lover that he dumped to start seeing and sleeping with my wife. He is married also.
I confronted her about the affair and she denied it from day one except to say that she had met someone and that they had talked on the phone twice. Two days later she said that they had spoken on the phone once and met each other out once. Two days after that she said that she had been speaking to him regularly every day and seen each other only once. I still did not believe what she was telling me but I was very nice and understanding while we waited to see a marriage councelor. I am under the impression that the affair was going on at least three or four months prior to her moving out but I can not be sure because she has never really answered any of my questions except to tell me that she was leaving the office and going to his house in the afternoon to have sex with him.
I finally lost my temper when three days before we were to go to counceling she started in on me about how bad of a husband I was and how the new guy listened to her and how nice he was to her (this was supposed to be a no talk day). Of course, he had no responsibility to her and never had to deal with her problems. I know that I am not perfect but this was all too much for me. As usual that night I could not get any sleep and when I woke up at 2:30am this time I was feeling as upset if not more than ever about the whole thing.
When she woke up at 5:15 she came into my office and started in on me again. I told her to get out of the house and never to come back. I just totally lost it. I also told her that I knew there was more to the affair than she was telling me. I went on to say that I knew she was getting screwed by this guy and so on.
I was legally able to throw her out because of our matrimonial agreement. I never realized how strong it was. Pretty much everything is in my name. We also have no children. We have been together for 19 years and 17 of those years were very happy ones. Then her mid life came crashing in. It has been a disaster ever since.
All along after my finding out about the affair she kept calling me and e-mailing me to tell me how sorry she was and how she never meant to hurt me. She also kept telling me how much she loved me. After being separated for a month and a half and having both signed a separation agreement contract she had kept telling me that she would like to reconcile. Finally one evening I went to her apartment and had dinner with her and she told me a little more about the affair, how she had created a large wound in my heart that was her responsibility to heal and so on. She said that she really wanted to get back together, that she would never see him again, how she had only been with him once since we split (a major league lie)and how she also wanted to move to a different part of town and to buy a house over there. Essentially she wanted me to put a down payment on the home and she would make the payments. She also suggested that I keep the other house and sell it later when the market got better and then we could move in together. This worried me especially after because of our matrimonial agreement she got none of my estate and was only able to keep what was hers. I should note that she is very generously paid by her company (six figures) of which she is the president.
The day after our talk I went to lunch near where she lives now and low and behold there they were having lunch together. I left and waited outside and sure enough after lunch they proceeded across the street to her apartment and stayed at her place for close to an hour. I was freaking out!
Now another month and a half has passed. I know now that she and her lover are the most difficult of adultrists. They started as friends and that evolved into a sexual relationship. I also know that they still see each other often and likely engage in intercourse regularly. She considers him her best friend and other than him she only has one other friend.
My dilemma is what to do now. We are almost four months into our separation and she has just removed her final belongings from the house. That was a very emotional event for the both of us. She and I talked of reconciliation but I told her that I could not even begin to think of the process until after she ended her relationship. Like I said I know that they are still with each other as much as the guy can get away from his family and job.
What do I do? I told her not to ever contact me again until she has stopped seeing him. Yet it is still so traumatic and emotional for me. I just can't stop thinking about how much I loved her and I do still care for her. This was so unlike her but I also know that we were having issues and her libedo had taken off in a major way a little over a year and a half ago. She is also very insecure yet also very pretty. Sexually I have no problems but I was not interested in some of the things that she had wanted for me to take part in.
So, what do I do? I have not talked to her in a few days and I have sent her the note telling her not to contact me again. Yet I have some friends that say they think we could still make it work while others say once the trust is gone not just once, but twice after seeing her again with him the day after she swore to never see him again.
Should I even remotely be considering reconciliation? I miss her greatly but I am scared to death. She says that she is as well. What are the chances of her getting back with this guy that she has said in the past is like Heroin to her?
Thanks in advance for your thoughts.
M