It's been a while since I've posted, FWH and I are a little more than 2 years into recovery. For the most part, things have gone well. I still have my moments/triggers, which I suspect I will always have to some degree, but consider our marriage to have recovered quite well.

My reason for posting today is this:
I have a good friend who confided in me recently that she is contemplating having an affair. My friend knows that I went through a similar experience recently (of course I was the BS, not the WS!) and that it was painful, though I never told her the nitty gritty details. Needless to say, I told her to please, please, stop and think about what she is doing and to not throw away what has been a long and committed relationship with her husband on a fling. She admits that she is just bored, possibly in the midst of a mid-life crisis, and craves the excitement this new person offers, esp. the the 'physical' excitement. (As far as I know, they have not yet had any real physical contact -- they live in different states.)

Listening to my friend talk about her feelings for this person and her dissatisfaction with her spouse (which coincidentally she never mentioned before this -- can you say "fog"?), has been extremely difficult for me. I feel like I am reliving my husband's betrayal, and it is forcing me to think about things my husband said (and did) that I have worked very hard to put out of my daily thoughts. I'm wondering what some of you might do in this situation? This is a VERY good friend of mine, as is her husband, and it's killing me to see her going down this path, and I would really like to do all I can to stop her before it's too late. My only problem is that it is bringing up all of these things in mind that are so hard to think about, and I wonder if I am not up to this task? It has caused me to be a little short with my husband since this all started -- I can't help being a little big angry with him all over again!!! My husband does not know about my friend's problem -- she promised me to secrecy, and I keep my promises. I have considered telling her that I want to continue to help her, to listen to her, but that for the sake of my own marriage, I have to tell my husband that I am helping her with this.

Sorry for such a long post! I welcome any suggestions you all might have!

Me... I'd break that promise in a heart beat and tell your spouse and tell the friends spouse that their wife is getting into the deep end.

Sometimes people tell someone to...seek permission. Take permission away...

As MelodyLane often says around here, "The only thing worse than making a bad promise is KEEPING a bad promise"...

First, if you are practicing radical honesty in your marriage as you should be, then YES, you tell your husband! He needs to understand what is triggering you right now...He needs to be able to help you through that...

AND...

Secondly, HECK YES YOU TELL HER HUSBAND!!! Wouldn't you have given anything to have been told by someone before your husband committed adultery? You have the opportunity to HELP your friends! To be a friend to their marriage!!! By all means TELL!!! Listen, my childhood best friend supported my affair...Guess what? We are no longer friends...I do not look back in fondness at someone who held my hand through my trying to destroy myself, my husband and our whole family...And neither will your friend if she ever pulls her head from her hiney! My truest friends are the ones that told me what an idiot I was being and would have told my husband if I would have told them before he knew...Those are the friends that I value and cherish and will remain my friends for the rest of my life...

Do the right thing here HopefulBS and sing like a canary...seriously...

Mrs. W

HopefulBS,

Ok let's start at the beginning here, you are venting at the wrong person. You should be telling your friend what YOU feel and how her talk triggers you. She needs to see, hear, and FEEL what it is like to be betrayed. She needs to see it on your face, hear it in your voice, as you tell her of the triggers she is setting off in you.

She needs to know that her H will have the same triggers YEARS after affair and it is like she will NOT be married to him. She needs to understand that her triggering you is making you mad at your H all over again, and that this is what she has to look forward to if she has this affair.

She needs to be told in no uncertain terms that your friendship will be over if she has this affair. She needs to be told that she needs to talk to her husband and decide if the marriage is worth saving or leaving BEFORE she starts chasing men.

There is no problem finding them, there is no problem getting them to bed her. There will be a problem with respect, honor, morals, and all of her friends because she will never be the same again.

You are no friend of her H if you don't tell him of her affair IF she has one. You are really no friend of her's if she thinks she will get away with this.

Finding someone to go to bed with is easy. But, finding someone that loves you and has been with you for years and will be when things are going bad, that is not so easy to do. She needs to know this can and very likely will end her marriage.

Your marriage isn't exactly rock solid is it?? Your H is still walking the thin edge of you deciding that you have had enough triggers.

Get yourself out of this mess by being very very brutally honest with her. What you said to us here and what you feel about your H should be the LEAST of what she hears from you.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

It sounds to me as if there is already at the very least an EA going on...Your friend's husband needs this information about HIS LIFE, Hopeful...

Mrs. W

Hi Hopeful,
I agree with everything that has been said here except for one thing: She IS in an affair. Right now it may be an Emotional Affair, but it is a betrayal to her H.

Tell your H, tell her H. It is the right thing to do. It is already an affair--an emotional affair. She is in a fog; Do not let the addicted take charge here.

Mrs. Wondering,
Owe you a coke

I agree with the others that she is already in an Emotional Affair. Maybe you could direct her here?

JustLearning's post was great. Follow his sage advice and tell her in no uncertain terms that if she has a PA or even continues the EA, your friendship is over. If I were in your shoes, that is exactly what I would do.

I think it would a big mistake to KEEP such a bad promise. Would you "promise" to keep her secret if she were buying illegal narcotics and getting high every day? Do you think a real "friend" would keep such a secret? Would a real friend help their friend engage in horrendously destructive behavior that would ruin her life? Ruin her marriage and her childrens family?

I honestly don't know how such a person could call themselves a "friend" who would help their friend destroy her life. A real friend would expose her dirty secret so she can get HELP. Her husband needs to be told the truth so he can try and save his marriage.

Please. Be a friend to this woman. It is not easy to do the right thing, but some day she will thank you. If you don't do anything she will likely grow to hate you if she ever wakes up from her fog. She will KNOW you were not a friend to her.

I'll take mine with some Gentleman Jack in it, Lake!

Mrs. W

traitor!

I was just going to suggest some cherry flavored syrup for that fountain coke

HBS,

If this woman is a good friend as you say then tell her H (and yours) right away. I agree with everything else the others have said and want to make one other point. As much as I despise POSOW I have nothing but utter contempt for her toxic friends that stood by and said nothing while her A with my H was underway. One "friend" knew of the A from the very beginning and another was aware a couple months into it. Had anyone said something to her H way back when, the A wouldn't have gotten as involved as it did and further damage could have be avoided.

Seriously, as much as I think OW is a piece of trash I'd risk assault charges if I ever came face to face with those two Bs. Don't become an enabler. Do the right thing.

Man I haven't heard someone use that phrase other then me and my girlfriends. Nice that it's a universal thing.

But Dr. Pepper is the bestest.

HBS,
I agree with everyone here. I hated that my FWH did not come to me his best friend for 17 years but chose to have EA with someone he only knew a couple of months. I would have no rspect for a friend that would have kept the A from me. Your friend's H deserves better than that, bad, good or indifferent - no one deserves to be blindsided. Women are so dangerous during MLC.

GG

You definitely need to tell your H what you're going through. It's selfish of your friend to dump this on you, knowing some of what you've experienced, and then expect you to keep quiet.

My FWH had a friend who enabled him at the beginning of his descent into infidelity. I can't stand the thought of spending any time with him (or H spending time with him for that matter), so the friendship has taken a serious hit. I'd guess that your friend's H will feel the same way about you if you don't do the right thing.

H's best friend and brother were the ones who exposed what they believed to be an EA to me. I have so much love and respect for them for what they did. H was furious at first, and angry for a long while, but now he realizes they acted out of love and he is thankful for what they did.

How about this, tell her that she needs to end the EA and confess to her H or you'll tell her H what you know. Give her the chance to do the right thing and make sure she understands why it's so important.

I would give anything if someone had talked sense to my H before his pathetic attempts at infidelity bore fruit.

You soooooo wrong!

Cactus cooler is yummy too!

But I do loves me some Coke too.

I would expose this to your friend's husband ASAP.

I would also try to find out who her AP is (it's already an EA) and find out if he's married as well. I would feel obligated to let the BW know as well, in order to try to prevent this sort of pain for her.

This is an intensely insensitive friend to tell you about this...after the pain you have been through. Yes, "fog" is right.

Lots of good advice here, and thank you everyone. JL, you hit on some good points about sharing with my friend how difficult it is for the BS to recover from betrayal, and how her marriage will never be the same.
As far as telling her H about this A, I am not sure at this point. And before you bring out the 2x4's, it is because the EA may already be over. According to my friend, the OM has stopped all contact with her about 10 days ago - he is also married (2nd marriage, and a fairly recent one at that - what a catch, huh?). I told my friend that more than likely his wife found out and has forced NC. I told my friend under no circumstances is she to try and contact him, and if he does, she should tell him to NC her any more. She agreeed with my advice. She is not happy about the place she has allowed herself to go, said she feels ashamed, etc., and she is reaching out for help. Frankly, we talked mostly about how she can reignite the passion in her marriage, and I did tell her about this site. I told her that if she is unhappy in her marriage, she needs to work on it with her husband, communicate with him the reasons for her unhappiness. If, after all of that, she still wants to end the marriage, then so be it. But the answer is not to bring a 3rd party into the mix -- that changes EVERYTHING and changes the marriage forever.

And I will tell my husband. You are all correct, the promise I made to her is a promise I cannot keep - one I made to my friend before I found out what she so desperately needed to talk to me about. (The classic "I need to talk to you about something, but you have to promise to keep this between us" - I had no idea it would be something so serious.....)

Amazing observation, that...

Who are you and what did you do with the guy who registered on March 5th?

Mark

I forgot to add my agreement with those of you who pointed out that my friend is being a bit selfish in asking me to be her support in this particular situation considering my personal history -- I thought maybe it was wrong of me to feel that way, and I'm glad to see that some of you do, as well.....and yes, I do think it is the 'fogspeak' that is causing her to see nothing but her own needs at this point.

It's worth losing a friend to save a marriage.

I believe it's irresponsible of you to NOT tell her H...if he doesn't know and doesn't know how unhappy she is, it WILL happen again...and next time it will go further.

Or if she tells him and you can verify that he knows, that's fine too. Either way, he DESERVES to know.

Pur yourself in his position...what if you found out that someone KNEW your H had contemplated his A and did not tell you????

Sorry for the 2X4 but this is how I see it...

I agree he deserves to know, too, and I have told my friend she needs to tell her husband. That he deserves to know what danger their marriage is really in -- I told her that I wouldn't be surprised that he suspects something is wrong already, as I did when my FWH was in the midst of his EA. As a matter of fact, I reminded my friend that I confided in her at that very time, telling her that something was "wrong" with my H. And she told me I had to talk to him about it. So now the shoe is sort of on the other foot....

And I have been in her H's position when it comes to mutual 'friends' whom my husband confided in who kept his 'secret' - and I can say from first-hand experience that those friendships are forever changed for me. So I have thought about that alot, and though I have not yet felt that I should expose my friend's EA to her husband at this time, I have counseled her to STOP STOP STOP, whereas the friend my husband confided in just told him to "be careful." Unbelievable....were these 'friends' also not the parents of my son's very best friend, I would not have continued the relationship.

I think you are trying to avoid being the "bad guy" here and are splitting hairs to convince yourself that you don't have to expose to her H. You've told a wayward to stop and of course she will, right?

Well, at this point, she has stopped and her intention is to work on her marriage. But she sees so much lacking in her marriage, and I have tried to point out to her that she cannot expect the same kind of passion and excitement in her 20 plus year marriage that she got from her EA, and she needs to realize that. That she is making all kinds of unrealistic comparisons.

While I agree that she is making unrealistic comparisons, I disgree that her M can't have the same sort of passion and excitement in it. It all comes down to both spouses making the effort. Nothing will improve if her H doesn't understand the real risks he is facing. Is your friend going to admit that she'd cheat on him if he doesn't do X, Y, and Z to meet her half way? I doubt it. The man may never realize just how bad the situation is until it's too late.

HopefulBS,

Be a true friend to her...be a friend to her marriage...TELL HER HUSBAND...Stop making excuses, and do the right thing...Don't be a moral coward...

Mrs. W

I will talk to her and re-emphasize that she MUST find a way to tell her husband, and if she does not, I will have to tell him myself. You are all right, it is the right thing to do. But I also think I need to give her some time to have this discussion with him, to pick the right time and place. I'm not talking a matter of months here, but I do think giving her a week or two to talk to him, try and set up an appointment to see a marriage counselor where perhaps the EA can be revealed with the MC's assistance, would be preferable than me just dropping the bomb....frankly, there is a risk here that her husband, who has quite an ego and is already in a bad place when it comes to self-confidence (unemployed for over 6 months from a very high paying, high prestige position), may decide to walk from this relationship once he learns what is going on in her head. It could be just one more insult he just can't handle right now. And though they are married over 20 years, they have no children, and for many couples, it's the lover for our children who inspire us to work our problems out.

She sounds like a terrible friend. No true friend would put something like that on you after what you have been through.

It's going to be MUCH WORSE when he finds out she had a full-blown AFFAIR.

My bet is that she hasn't ended the EA, she has just told you that in order to continue unabated.

TELL HER HUSBAND. It's the right thing to do. You can even direct him here to get help.

Gosh, the more I read here the more I realize what a real mess this is....My initial thoughts before coming here were that my friend just needed to mainain NC and commit herself to working on her marriage. But I now realize she has some serious issues she needs to work on, and they can't be properly dealt with until everything is out in the open. I do believe the EA is over, at least for now, but not because she wants it to be. Why? It is because the OM has suddenly dropped off the face of the earth, and I am starting to realize that she may have confessed to me not because she wants help saving her marriage, but because she is going through serious withdrawal from the OM and needs someone to talk to, to "keep busy" as she says, to keep her mind off of "things." What I know about this situation is that this is a man she met on a business trip about 3 years ago, was very attracted to, they exchanged some emails that were clearly leading up to something. She confessed to me at that time that she had met someone on a trip that she was attracted to, and she was scared about where this might lead. Though this conversation occurred before my husband's EA, my advice then was the same as now. Forget about him -- this is wrong. Then very shortly after that conversation, my friend was very very serioulsy injured in a car accident, almost lost her life. It took over a year for her to recover. Her husband stood by her through all of this, and she told me many many times how the accident brought them so much closer together. Then out of the blue, this man from her past finds her on Facebook, and contacts her. And he has married since she last spoke to him! What a scum. Yet she falls for all of his flattery again. I just can't believe it. And I told her so, told her that he is just using her, that this man (I refused to ask her what his name was, or anything about him -- I don't want to humanize him in any way) is 'not a good man.' She said she knows, she's so messed up, etc. etc. etc. I think she just wants someone to tell her that in spite of what she's doing, she's not a bad person. Yet her actions of late show that she is unconcerned with how her selfish actions could very possibly destroy her marriage, unconcerned about how her need to spill her secret has opened old wounds of mine. It's all so classic, isn't it? I think I am very much sure now of what I need to do in this situation.
Thank you everyone -- I will keep you posted.