It is very painful for me now to be in plan B. I do not have any desire to contact H, but I think about him all the time and can't believe he just does not care at all about me.
He is with OW (not living together but "dating")and not seeing me will not make him grow fonder of me...as out of site out of mind.
I do not even know why I am saying all this when I know very well that plan b is for me to get over him...but as the months go by I this seems to be getting harder.
Does my H only care about himself at this point. It has been 2 month...can I hope for any results..? or is it too early?
blessing

Oh, Atena, I know it is very very hard in plan b.....I have been in Plan B for over a year and a half...and not a good plan B either...So my first advice is to stay very very dark...

second, keep yourself busy, work on yourself, do not event think about WH....and it will get easier, still hard, but much easier...

Third, just know that YES, active waynerds do only care about themselves...yours isnt any different...

{{{{{{{{{{{Atena}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}

Plan B not only was hard, but it was so BORING and I felt so alone especially during the first few months. I was taught to shake my thoughts of him literally out of my head as soon as I could catch myself thinking of something about him. While that worked a lot of the time, then I learned to just accept there were times that I was going to think about him and let it just take its course, and know that I will be better in time.

I often refer to this analogy of a wave. You never know when it's coming in, and when it does, it hits hard, but then just as fast as it comes in, it always goes back out. Just like the pain that hits, it will go away in time. I never knew what brought it or made it go back out, I just knew it was better...

I too often worried about out of site, out of mind. The truth is we don't REALLY know what is going on in their minds. For one, they are twisted thinking and not thinking clearly and too it's a dangerous place in their mind because I believe that they are avoiding G-d and doing what's right. Anytime you go against G-d is a serious and dangerous place to be so I found it easier to remember that I was helping G-d by staying out of it.

I couldn't imagine what my H was doing to me after all these years and thought all these things... The truth of what he was thinking wasn't at all what I imagined.

And lastly. I HATE this statement. Time take times. You are doing the best you can, and Plan B is not easy... try to give yourself a break.

You need to move to Texas!

Oh no, Here we go...

click here!

Don't do it! She'll make you grow your hair big, too!

I won't make her wear her hair big if she moves to MY part of Texas.

She's a lyin' polecat!!

OMG, you are hysterical ML...but seriously

Now listen here, you silly flat headed yankee gals! Atena LOVES TEXAS and used ta live here! SO THERE!

I sympathize with you atena. I liken this process to a grenade going off in the living room, everyone gets hurt. An affair is all about being selfish, your H is being nothing but self centered and is likely giddy with the prospects of this "new" fling. Meanwhile you are left to pick up the pieces of your life. You are likely feeling depressed so might I suggest some of the things to help?

Now is the time for you to become a better you. It is hard but you need to stop focusing and waiting on him, he is not your savior.

- Get a support group,
- get out and socialize.
- Get some exercise it helps with the mood
- Be gentle with your expectations on yourself you are going through what I believe to be the most difficult event in your life.
- Try some new things, sports, activities, hobbies.
- Be aware you may be sinking into a depression see your doctor if you start having difficulty coping

I understand how difficult it is to comprehend that this person who promised to love you forever can run off and not give one hoot about you or your feelings, but believe it, they are that self centered. So you have to look after you.

It isn't easy but we need to keep working on healing.

Gee, it woulda been just a tad bit helpful to check the volume on my laptop before hitting that link....

Lesson hereby learned!

**snort**

I had LOL about the TX postings. The idea of moving anywhere now scares me but I would love to visit TX and promise that my hair will stay the same... flat style!
I am still going through the shock stage of his affair with OW even though I am out of the marital abode.

I am still asking "why" - which is perfectly normal. The answer is there is no "why" there just "is". This is all I need to concentrate on. It is hard however, not to dwell on the details - That's the stuff that makes one go mad. Because along with still dealing with the shock, I am dealing with betrayal.

Right now he doesn't give a sh*t.
He's cheated on me before so the chance of him doing it to OW with the difficult are pretty high...however he is smart...he did not move in with her.
He wants to be a 14 year old. He doesn't want to be an adult.

But all good things must come to an end for us mortals. My H is going to have to grow up and out of this eventually because it's fantasy. And fantasy doesn't hold well in the reality of this world. He just doesn't want to believe or accept this "bliss" will change to something else. That's why cheaters cheat. They cheat for that "high". The "high" goes away and becomes the hangover of "real life".
What H is doing is wrong. It's just that the "honeymoon isn't over yet" for him and OW. He is going to make sure it is prolonged as much as he can...and if she is in only for the sex and companionship then they will be together for a while....
Hard to believe my life is shattered because of a shank.
blessing

(((Atena))), I know it hurts...firsthand unfortunately, I know....yes eventually their fantasy will come crashing down...but like my WH, yours doesnt live with OW, so I think its gonna take a while....

so in the meantime, stop thinkin about him....stop thinking of the why...you wanna know the why...because they are acting like selfish children, they could not control their boundaries and yours like mine sounds like he just didnt want the responsibilty of being married anymore...

My WH still only sees OW about once or twice a week, WH family has never seen her(they do not accept her) and my DS never sees her either.....I mean to me that mean my WH just wants to date his skank, forever...I mean if I was her I would not accept this...but she probably only wants the same from him...

And yes, my WH and OW ruined mine and my DS family, just for this foolishness...and it hurts like he77...and I hate to see another new BS on MB....But you are on the best website you can be on for support....WE GET IT, unfortunately.

PS....so Hmmmm, you would only want to VISIT, TX. And your hair would stay the same...seems to me TX is only another nice place to VISIT ehhh?

Hi Stillhere and thank you.
I see that you have been on plan B now for a year and half now, how are you doing? Is your plan B a dark one?
I do not even know why I want to save this M but I do.
H sees OW daily and spends every weekend with her as her kids are with her ex.
Are there any signs that your H is thinking about you after all this time or are you planning on moving on pretty soon?
blessing
PS: I love Texans a lot, they are my favorite people and the nicest I have ever met, however I left my heart in San Franscisco and if I were to move back to the states I would move near there...

No, I have done a kinda dark Plan B....So please stay dark dark dark....sometimes it gets really hard to do that, but I just caused myself a lot of extra pain and waywards just dont GET IT while they are still seeing OP...so use me as an example of what not to do....

I had a really hard time at first...I can honestly say it took me a while to start to even feel better...but I do feel better and Plan B is a godsend because all you would be doing if you arent in it is preachin to a wall...

And if he is seeing OW daily maybe your waywards fantasy will come crashing down faster...the more he sees OW the faster the fantasy dies....

I truly believe that my WH will not want to stay with this OW...and that he will come out of the fog, but I dont think it will be anytime soon, unfortunately...and I do think that it will happen when it is too late for me...and I gave myself until the two year mark of when he moved out which is April 2010, but if I dont feel I am ready to date yet, I will just keep goin in Plan B.

He hasnt even mentioned divorce yet...so I will probably have to do it when I am ready to date....Hang in there, K? You are another BS added to my prayers....

Thank you Stillhere, I am planning to stay very dark in plan B.
One thing I do not get about plan B, which, by the way is a lifesaver, is how can we expect the WH to come back to us with all that out of site out of mind thing that rightfully plan B brings?
I mean, even if they break up with OW...wouldn't they just look for yet another one instead of coming back to us.
Because if they break up with OW most likely they are having an "A" on her just like they did with us...
blessing

Hi all,
I just received this message from SIL.
I am tempted to answer by telling her I no longer live at the house and that I still love H and hope he breaks up with OW...but I am in plan B and I am not sure if communicating too many details to in laws could jeopardize it....
How would you answer her message?
Here it is:
Hello Atena,
I just wanted you to know that we are thinking about you. Bill, the kids and I drove up to XYZ to see my parents this past Monday. My mom and and I talked about how sad we are. It is impossible to know what to do to help you and brother. We hope you are getting the support that you need. It is so important that you know how much we love and care about you. As you know, my family is notoriously terrible at talking about our feelings. We all want to hide away until everything is resolved. The chief tool we use is plenty of time and a heavy rug. I know that does not help you. That is why I want to let you know that even if you haven't heard from me often enough, I am right here with you on my mind. I love you!
Amy

My inlaws are also notoriously terrible about talking about their feeling, partly what is wrong with WH...but anyway my inlaws have become my biggest allies....Yours seem like they also might be good allies...so it might be good of you to let them know you want your family back together...

They seem like they want to help you, use it to your advantage....

Hi atena,

it's great that your in-laws are supporting you. Mine haven't contacted me at all and have welcomed OW into the family.

I would respond as you have suggested and to say that you haven't given up on your marriage.
Thank her for her support and say how much you appreciate her keeping in touch. Something like that.

TM

Thank you Stillhere, I agree with you, they are good allies especially my SIL. The only concern is that if they tell my H I still think about him and that I love him he might grow more and more distant because he will think: wow, what do I have to do to her to get her to understand I do not want her any more....and she is still hoping to R the M? She is really a doormat!
In other words, I would hate for him to think I am just waiting for him to change my mind and have no life....
blessing

Yes, I understand that waaay too much, Atena.....But it would just be reiterating your Plan B letter...Maybe show your inlaws a copy of that....and then just keep reiterating that, not how much you miss him or how bad you want him back, just the Plan B letter stuff....

I made the mistake of crying to MIL and stuff...and she was constantly LBing my WH for me....you know like a mother telling her teenage son that she doesnt like his girlfriend and that makes him cling to her more....

Restate your reason for going plan B.

However why not talk to SIL? Just don't talk about WH.

I do talk to my SIL and do reply to her, but now I do think that it would be good to let her know where I stand and that I have a door open if H wants to work hard on M and himself. She can be a good ally and so are my IL. They will not tell H what to do, but they will make sure to let him know that they will be happy if he decided to R with me. That is very important.
However, that said, we do need other people to make us happy and very few of us are able to find hapiness within ourselves. H is now made happy by OW and he is happy to be going home and then meeting up with her at his new place. He just hated coming home to me but he does not hate coming home to his new bachelor place and then having her come over...
Let's face it...I could not make him happy! She now can...and now it is all it counts.
I do not know how much the IL can help..but I did send her a message with a plan b tone.
blessing

Cut that out, Atena....Yes you cannot MAKE your WH happy and you shouldnt have to..he needs to find that within himself but instead he is looking for that in someone else...Its only a temporary happiness, it wont last....

You need to find happiness within yourself not from other people, he is not working on himself he found a quick fix....and that is only temporary...It has nothin to to with you or OW...it is your WH who has the problem he is just to stupid to figure that out right now...

You should not need outside things to MAKE you happy...So please please do not put yourself down...It hurts because I did the same thing and you are just plain wrong when you think your WH being unhappy has something to do with you

atena, look at my situation - there is me and the kids - our first home we just bought 2.5 years ago and which isn't even finished - we could do it up so nicely together for all 4 of us.

And then there is him alone without his kids and wife in a rented appartment abroad which has no personal touch at all - maybe having the occasional OW coming over for sex to keep him happy after work or getting drunk with his work mates.

I know which situation I would choose... it's not rocket science but each to themselves

I second and third that about in-laws. I don't have the Plan B situation going on. Nor the affair, but LOTS of other issues. My in-laws have been my rock. My family has been useless. If you've got a good relationship with your inlaws, you don't have to spill your guts, but make use of the support system. They love him because he's family and they love you too.

I just emailed my SIL and she already replied (please see below)
I do not want to be seen as a victim because it will go straight to my H who will not see me as appealing at all!
Please suggest a good non-victim response for me!
My SIL message:
Thank you Atena.
I know you must be going through a very difficult time. Really, if you want to get away to see son or to XYZ - I would help you get a ticket. We would love to see you. You are very much in our hearts.

Amy

Do you guys have any advice on how to answer my SIL's message pasted below? I do not want to sound like a victim because she will tell H I am hurting and still love him etc....I do not want him to think I am staying home eating boxes of candies and crying...
SIL message:
I know you must be going through a very difficult time. Really, if you want to get away to see son or to XYZ - I would help you get a ticket. We would love to see you. You are very much in our hearts.

Amy

Atena,

Do you want to respond? You already replied to her previous e-mail.

I think it may be a good idea to visit them. It would re-inforce your position in WS family and would be a good opportunity to show how strong you are (even if you don't feel it).

Do you want to take up her offer for a ticket? I don't know what your financial or work situation is as to whether you would need help with a ticket purchase or would be able to get away for the time required.

I live overseas and the ticket would be expensive. Visiting her will show my H how much his family is supporting me. I guess it will be food for thought for him, or maybe he will grow even less interested in me.
I am not sure. I could only visit her in the February or the summer but not now
blessing

Well, in that case, I would thank her for her kind offer and say that you might like to take her up on it in the future.

Thank you for your post. I will.
I was just wondering why my H is not contacting me at all. I have been on plan B now for 2 months. I see that some WH get really angry in plan B and try to contact BS, but not mine. Mine acts as if I never existed in his life.
It makes me think he was really ready to not see me any longer and that coming home to me must have been a nightmare to him. NOw he is in his own place and sees OW recreationally and during week ends.
WS do not think like us, they have another mind. Is it possible that they just think that what they are doing is fine and there is nothing wrong with it? Is this a permanent change where we will never see the person we married again back into his right mind?
I am growing very worried and desperate at this point as I can't believe he was so fed up with me to the point of not giving a darn about me. I was so perfect in plan A which I did for tooo long. Nevertheless I was really an angel....he does not miss me a bit.
Sad but true.
Is this common?
blessing

Atena, I don't know all the details of your situation, but I have come to believe the following:

Most affairs end (Dr. Harley). They do so because they are not based in reality. Thus:

• The affair will end. If this occurs, two things will happen:
  • WS will seek to return to the M.
  • Or WS will not.

If the first, then you are ready to begin recovery. If not, then perhaps your recovery begins by accepting the dissolution of the marriage, healing yourself, and moving on.

• The affair does not end. In this case,
  • As with the second item, above, your personal recovery begins.

Now I know I'm being very black-and-white about this, but in my situation, I've had to face the very real possibility that the M can't be saved. Because we are dealing with two deceitful, dishonest people (the WS and the OP), I have found the following belief somewhat helpful:

• If the WS and OP stay together, they get what they deserve.
• If the OP and the WS part, they get what they deserve.

thank you Fred. I think plan b is so great because it allows recovery to begin right away. I live my life now as if H were not coming back. I have a strong feeling he will not. It has been a while now and he has always been pretty unhappy in the M and this is his 2nd A that i know of. In recent years his interest in OW has increased steadily and looking back now I can tell that it has been several years that he really does no longer loves me. I do not believe plan b will make my H fall in love with me. There is no chance of that.
I am very sad for the end of my M but this is a necessary step to move on and feeling the pain, venting on this forum and getting support take me a step closer to recovery every day.
Thank you all

atena, Plan B is NOT for getting him to want you. It is for teaching yourself how to move on with your life. If you go into it thinking it's going to trick him into wanting you again, you're setting yourself up for misery.

Stop thinking about him and stop trying to control him. Focus on yourself and make a great life for yourself. If he comes to his sense, fine; if not, then you've made a great life for yourself.

atena, one of the reasons you stay focused on him is because you see him every once in a while at work and at the apartment. Are you working on resolving that?

Write her back.
Say:
Your kindness means so much to me.
I'd love to get together for some "girl time" and NOT talk about sad things.
Is that possible?
Love, Atena

Thank you all for you help.
Yes Melody is right I do sometimes see him but only at work (very briefly walking in the hallway�we both look the other way and walk faster) but I have been taking very strict measures and now know his schedule. So it has been now 10 days since the last time I saw him.
I do not live in the States and right now in order not to spend time in my apartment building where the OW lives I am spending time at friends. It is not easy to be a few days here and a few days there but I am managing and the up side of this is that I have company and do not have to spend time all alone thinking of H and OW.

I can�t change my job now. The thing is�jobs here are not like in the States, you lose one you do not find another. There are age restrictions and contract restrictions. For me to change job it will take a couple of years. I am working on a M.Ed and will be done with it next July.
I can�t go thru any more changes than the ones I am right now.

In terms of plan B�thank you for reminding me that it is not to get H back. I do have a question however�. Why do some H come back after plan B? For ex. Quenney�s H did after more than 2 years of NC. How can H even think about that�.I mean they already are out of love with us, have OW and on top of that have not seen us for more than 2 years�.how is it possible they change and want us back? Is it out of loneliness, desperation�.what? Certainly not love!
Blessing