I need advice from some of the other jilted husbands out there. Once you know who the other man is that�s destroying your family, how do you fight off the urge not to go to his home, drag him outside, and beat his face to a bloody pulp? I have visions of my fist entering through this dudes mouth and exiting the back of his head. During my visions I imagine him making gurgling sounds as I stomp the life out of his 27 year old body. The more he begs me to stop the harder I hit him, until there is no anger left, only a sense of accomplishment.
I am sorry if this is graphic but this guy is destroying my family. I try to tell myself that my wife and I are to blame and he is innocent. But is he really innocent? He knows she has a husband out there some where. He knows she has a child. He is willing to play with fire. If he gets what�s coming to him then that�s the chance he took.
I know these are not the kinds of things that rational adults should feel but this is what I am dealing with.

Speaking as a betrayed wife, betrayed spouses don't always think rationally. I've read plenty of posts on here where the BS wants to physically exact revenge upon the OP (other person/party). It's very normal to feel this way, and I think it speaks to a desire for control and for punishment for the pain you are feeling - "you did this to my, I'm going to beat you up because it's all I can do to make you feel my pain". And it seems to be easier to blame the OP than your loved one, who made the decision to do this to you.

I also think it's distracting - remember that it took two to orchestrate this horrific tragedy. Your WW is the other person. The OM (other man) couldn't have done this without help from your WW. You need to come to a point where you accept that your WW chose to become wayward. You need to examine with her what caused that to happen. Your energy used in that direction will be much more productive than pounding on the OP.
If it helps, I physically attacked my FWH (formerly wayward husband) two or three times, leaving a LOT of bruises. I'm not proud of that. And if the OW (other woman) had been in the room at the same time, I think someone would have had to carry her out. So I know a little bit about wanting to physically respond to the damage the two of them inflicted upon me.
Read that last sentence again, timetofly - "the damage the TWO of them inflicted upon me."

Pounding on my FWH didn't really accomplish much. And having to go to court on an assault charge for pounding on the OM won't accomplish much, either. Work on this with your WW.

Go work out, play sports, etc...Your vows were w/ your wife but I understand where you are coming from. Its tough. All you can do is cheer for the karma bus like so many BS do on here...DUDE

Thanks, it's not like I feel this way all the time, I just get into these funks sometimes, especially on rainy days. It helps to have someone to vent to.

You've come to the right place, time. Vent early, vent often. You're speaking language we understand.

Your WW and OM are equally guilty and you are the only innocent one. A BS may have to own their own failures in a marriage but you are not to blame for your WS choosing to step out on you. Sorry you find yourself here. Wanting to pounding in OP's face is normal and it will get better with time.

Funnily enough, I don't think I've had such thoughts about the OM, and if so, only fleetingly.

I'm more in the "revenge is a dish best served cold" group

One day the Karma Bus is likely to catch up with the OM, but if the old bus needs a push to get going, I think I'd find it very difficult to deny myself the opportunity.

Hi TTF,

It might help you to think about his wife or GF. Don't you think they have the same visions of beating the crap out of your W and watching her life flow away. Stay away from him until you are sure you can control yourself, and sure he is not a complete crazy.


I suggest some physical activity to get some of this anger out.

Simple, my brother tought me 3 things in life before he died. He had persional experiance with all 3.

1. Never play with a weegie board.

2. Never go to someone elses house looking for a fight.

3. Never pull a gun unless you are completly willing to use it to end a life.


Going to OM house and trying to hurt him is a real good way to end up with a load of buckshot in your gut.



No he is not innocent. He is scum, and he will get what living such a life will get you.

For me, I am perfictly willing to let OM self destruct on his own. Eventually he will either end up with an extended jail sentence, or someone else will take care of him for what he did to them. I need only sit back and wait.

I will drive the bus if you want me to.

This may be good. He is from Wales, he is currently dating what he calls his "Green Card Bride". I think I will try to get into contact with her somehow. He is back and forth between his country and the U.S. about every other month. What a nice suprise for him when he comes back.

I hear where you're coming from, timetofly. My issue is different in that the OM is 1,500 miles away. The affair is strictly emotional, which I will argue is just as devastating as a physical affair.
I am waiting for the right time, if there is such a thing, to communicate with OM to let him know that he has no soul, no character, no integrity,and is worthless scum. I want to let him know how much damage he has caused to a husband and two innocent children because he delighted in participating in a fantasy with a woman who was very susceptible (if that's the right word). I can't wait to let him know what a low-life he is. Am I angry? Yes I am and I think I have the right to be. I will get over it, though and telling him what I think should help.

Physical or emotional, it really doesn�t matter to me. I would like to believe that my wife of 11 years did not have sex with another man�. I just can�t.
I just turned 40 in September, my wife didn�t call me on my birthday but she did call OM, according to the phone records they talked for 44 minutes that morning. In her defense she did send me some black balloons.
I mentioned in an earlier post how I got my wife the ring she always deserved. I gave it to her while we were on a weekend trip. When we got back the first person she called was� you guessed it. I asked her about this, I told her how much that it hurt me; she said she just called him to tell him what a wonderful time she had with me that weekend. I told her that I thought she should have called me instead. That shows how much I know. I can see now why people go off the deep end.

At least your WW just *called* the OM then. On returning from a vacation where I brought a new wedding ring to replace the one she'd lost, a vacation where we went through a special ceremony involving that ring, within a week of returning she'd invited the OM up to our home where she scr*wed him for the first time. I have a lot of bad memories from her A-period, but that particular one truly burns.

"The greatest remedy for anger is delay"

TTF,
Are you in MC? When you put out Anger - it comes back to you. One guy here beat up the OM and ended up in jail. Afterwards he wrote he thought his WW would appreciate him going to that extreme - she didn't. They are D.

Gg

TTF I hear what you mean brother I just found out a month ago, that my W was wayward. I instantly burned out of the drive. Luckily, I got the wrong guys address. I didn't go hunting this year again, didn't trust myself with a gun, still don't. I feel your pain, but he really doesn't owe me anything. He didn't prommis himself to me. The real villian here is my WW, I still want to feel OM's blood run down the backs of my hands. But, then all will loose, not just him. Hang in there bro, it takes a big man to get through this. I hope you are feeling bigger than I am.

I think we women (at least some of us) feel the same way. To knowingly get into an A with a married person.....where are the morals (of both parties)?

I know my WH is just as much to blame, though the thought of the OW pushing things by telling WH that she wanted to suck his **** over and over......yeah, that along with the rest of things really does upset me. I'm just hoping that karma visits her, and often.

Well, as a Christian, I read over the passages in the bible about adultery/adulterers. And I take solace in knowing that one day they will have to answer for their actions.

My WH has repented and is forgiven, but he fully recognizes he not only sinned against me, but against God. I hope these OP realize the same thing, because like it or not, they will have to answer for it one day.

Boy can I relate to your situation. I found out my WW was celebrating the OM B-day at the SAME restaurant she took me to a year prior. Stupidly I went there to confront both of them and the law showed up. I wasn't arrested but my employer was notified and I got a 3-day suspension. I just wanted to look him in the face and see how much of real man she claimed him to be. One of my biggest gripes was his comment over the phone that "It happens all the time". Well so does men and women being killed by their estranged spouses.

Thanks for the input brothers and sisters, sorry I am so slow to re-post. I had to leave work early yesterday to go pay taxes (when it rains it pours).
Our cell phones are both in my name. She has all her communication through facebook and e-mail on her Blackberry. I can�t access any of it. And she guards her phone like Rosie O�Donnell guards a cheeseburger.
My question is; should I cancel her phone and watch the smoke come out of her ears, or should I wait? I�m sure she would just go out and get her own phone. At least with the one she has now I have access to the records.

She may already have another phone you don't know about.

How closely are your finances tied together? I would say to cancel the account, making it clear that you will not aid her A financially. Yes, that may limit your ability to snoop on her Blackberry, but remember that she may have another phone already.

I'm sorry if I missed this, but have you exposed this A? You need to expose immediately, if you haven't done so already. All household finances need to be secured in some way so that she is not able to use them to finance the A. I know you can't do much about the money she earns, but you CAN cancel credit cards in your names, or at least lower the limits to the balance currently on them. Close checking accounts if you can do so. If not, write a check to clear out any excess cash and open another account in your name only. Same with savings, etc.

Some of the glow of the A will quickly wear off when the reality of money comes into the picture.

I have control over all the bank accounts; the only way for her to get extra money is to ask for it. I have looked for a throw away phone but have not been able to find one, in fact I searched her car this morning. She is probably keeping it at work. I am going to have a talk with her boss soon to see how much he knows. He just went through an ugly divorce and would probably help me out if he knows anything. I have not exposed her to her family yet. I don't know what I am waiting for, courage I guess. If anybody out there has an extra spine I could borrow please let me know.

Good. Keep snooping and EXPOSE to her employer. I wish I could send you some courage, if that is what you need. I wish I had a nickel for every betrayed spouse on this site who said that snooping and exposure were the things that ended the A. And I could just cry in frustration for the BS who existed in fear of their spouse's reaction, and allowed the A to flourish because of it.

I know, and I guess anyone who has ever been through this type thing knows that eventually you have to stand up for yourself. My day is coming soon.
As a side note; I went to Barnes and Noble and bought a copy of �His Needs, Her Needs� last night. I haven�t got into it yet. Maybe I can read some this evening.

TTF, I'm late to this thread, but one thing that has been pointed out to me is that even though the OM may be a POS, he's not the one to blame. The fault lies with your WW and with you for possibly not providing her with the EN she sought.

I suggest reading Four Rules to Guide Marital Recovery.

It may be too early for you to focus on that, but in my opinion, you have to get past the anger before you can even hope to begin recovery (yours or your M's).

You need to be punching in two faces at the same time, but alas that wouldn't do much, but it would make you feel better I think.

For me her FIVE A's were over 20 years ago and I STILL want to punch in five different dudes faces, and one womans. If it were going on now I don't know what I'd really do.

For me, I'm of the opinion that God/Nature has done a far better job on the OM than I ever could. After he recovers from his prostate cancer surgery, he's going to need more than love to get the hydraulics working again.

I would cancel the phone. Hindsight on my part of just how much went on with the cell phone. If not going to cancel, I also found some great links on here (much too late for me) as to things to do to *bug* that phone and find everything (don't remember who posted it, but google Simms Card Reader).

I did expose my WH to his family, and he was furious! It was a smart move, though I endured some major emotional/verbal abuse over it, I wouldn't change a thing in doing that. It took away his ability to put on that angel act (barf), and pretend like he was such a good guy. His family looked down on him, felt for me, and it gave me extra eyes to watch out for anything he might be doing.

You're right Fred, I would call that Karma as well.

TTF
I am a BW, BH in EA for at least 4-5 months, 2 months before DD in April 09, contact every day via computer, phone and everyday in person until she got let go end of April.

I knew her, met her many times, OW is 24, i am 47, he is 45. I thought of her like a daughter. When I found out about this i actually was scared for her, concerned for her, she was so young. Begged my WH to look at what he was doing, her marriage being only 1 year old, ours was going on 25.

Well, after months of her pursuing him, not ending contact, telling him they did nothing wrong cuz they never had sex, just talked about it, admitted they wanted each other blah, blah, blah. i can tell you not only did i lose any respect, feelings of concern, like for her. i wanted to ruin her little life, like mine had been ruined. I wanted everyone who loved her to know what she had been a part of, wanted her to lose everything dear to her. my WH actually said to me once, the reason it never progressed was that she couldn't do that to you, she really likes you. are you kidding me? I have a husband who says he loves me, and a friend who likes me so much she wanted to sleep with my husband. This kind of love is gonna kill me!

I can tell you i had more that one fantasy of ruinging her life in every way, i figured she is young, she'll have a long time to deal with this and get over it. She is absolutly stunning, alot of people on this site will tell you most affairs affair down, not mine. he picked a J Lo look alike, i thought of ripping her long black hair out of her beautiful head, knocking her perfect white teeth down her lovley dark throat. pummelling her long beautiful legs and ripping her arms of her supple and young body. how's that for anger?

didn't do any of it. decided to plan A my A** off and love my husband back to me. let her ruin someones else's marriage, or better yet, let someone else ruin hers!

Take it from an expert on anger:

You either divorce your wife, or you wait it out. Plain and simple. You can work out until you drop from exhaustion, but the anger isn't going anywhere.

My severe anger stage lasted about 2.5 years.

I�m trying to decide whether now, before Christmas, is the best time to drop the hammer on my WW. I�m going to confront her about her EA and ask her if she�s willing to talk with someone, possibly a Christian counselor, about saving our family. If she does not agree to talk then I am going to cut off her phone and expose her to our daughter. I know she could get a Pay-as-you-go, if she doesn�t have one already, but I doubt she could afford to talk very much, especially over-seas.
I�m also going to tell her if she decides to leave the family she will have to do so without our little girl. We are not the ones to blame, if my wife wants to leave our home and destroy our family, I think she should have to do it alone.
My only dilemma is possibly ruining Christmas for my daughter. Any thoughts?