Dana,
I was wondering if there is anything I could have my son read when he comes home for xmas about affairs.
It will be the first time me and his dad will be apart in his eyes. I told son about H's A while son was in the States at college, so when son left for college H and I were still together.
I am sure son does not understand the impact of A on his dad's behaviour and he is going to think that his dad was just tired of the M and wanted to move on. Son hinted to me that he did realize his dad was tired of living with me all thru last year and that the fact that he is seeing OW could be due to the fact that he wanted to end the M.
I just want to show him that no, the reason why he is no longer the man he used to know is due to the A and that the A cause the demise of the M, not the other way around.
Let me know if there are any good links that my son would understand.
blessings
Im not Dana but I have colledge age children that have needed a lot of counsel from me and this book was awesome when I had a lot of questions.
Its not specifically about affairs but about life and the choices we need to make.
The road less traveled
http://www.amazon.com/Road-Less-Travelled-Psychology-Traditional/dp/0684847248#noop This is a great book
Atena, your son isn't stupid. He probably already does see but may be afraid to make too many waves. My son was 18 and away at college when d-day happened. His first reaction was to cry when he found out our marriage was ending, but after that he put an enormous amount of effort to ensure he maintained a solid relationship with his father. Suddenly, he was coming home every weekend and he was making plans with his dad, going to movies etc. I could tell (and he admitted later) that he was worried his dad would leave him as well. WXH, being the POS wayward that he is, started bringing OW (and occassionally OW's DD) every time. They would make out through the whole movie making DS feel like a 3rd wheel (and probably OW's DD as well). It became very clear to him why his dad left me. I could have told him this, but he had to see it for himself.
DS did not escape the affair unscathed, despite being an adult and living on his own. A year later he got married (after a very brief engagement). Luckily, my DIL is lovely and he had known her all the way through HS (they dated on and off so not quite HS sweethearts but close enough). But one thing I believe attracted him was that she is very religious and has strict views on adultery. This sounds all fine and good but adultery is just as prevalent within churches and religious communities as it is outside of them so I hope it doesn't give him false security. They are both very, very young. Just before the wedding WXH asked me if I though they were rushing it because of him. Can you believe that?
Why not just tell your son the truth? I have had several conversations about just this thing with my DS21. Virtually all WS say that "OP had nothing to do with the marriage breaking up, blah, blah, blah" and it's virtually always a lie.
Just tell your son what happened. Tell him the truth. I told DS21 that his father wanted both a wife *and* girlfriends and since I would not and could not be part of that, Dad chose the girlfriends and fired me. (This is the same thing I say to other family and friends.)
I also told him that with as much as it destroyed me to lose my husband (and DS21 is well aware of that), the answer was NOT for me to tolerate adultery and sit on the second-string bench and wait while his father was out with other women. That's what his father wanted, and yes there are plenty of women who live like that and suffer in silence, but I could not and I hoped DS21 did not think that was the answer.
I have absolutely no contact with XWH, but it seems that DS21 spends very little time with him. As I had hoped it would, XWH's actions seem to be speaking for themselves in this matter.
Just tell your son the truth, and don't worry if he doesn't believe you right now. As time goes on, he will see that what you told him was correct.
Mulan
It amazes me how many people seem to want to shield kids from their parents' actions.
I was literally read the riot act by my stepkids' father after I told them their mother and I weren't having Christmas this year due to her choice to spend it with a married man.
What is he trying to do? She already deserted them once. They already have a good idea of what an absent mom she is (only mom thinks she's still being a "good parent"). So it's okay to say she's left her latest husband, but not that she's done so for a married man? WTF?