Hi all,
my son arrives from the states tomorrow from his first semester in college and I am scared. It used to be mom and dad picking him up from the airport anytime he came back from trips. Now it is only me. When he left in august we were still together but he admitted he could see his dad did not love me anymore.
He knows about the A but I do not want to make this xmas break all about A and H and OW. I actually do not want to pollute my time with son with talk about those 2 cheaters.
Any advice?
Thank you and blessing

atena, IMO, you should not even bring it up. It is bound to upset you both. He will feel put in the middle and you will get angry if he plays the nihilist, as his father has taught him.

I do want to make sure son knows that this is his dad 2nd A.
But don't you think that if I do not bring up his dad at all it would be like hiding my head into the sand?

Your son may feel better if you both can set some groundrules before getting to house. Decide what your boundaries will be so your time together isn't monopolized by WH drama. Right now you both probably feel like you don't know how to act or behave. Setting some boundaries may help you both get through.

Gg

ok, you know how he responded before when you told him of the current affair. How do think he will react to this news?

When I told him about current A my son said: well don't all men sooner or later have one?
Then he added: you do not hate daddy, do you?
I guess if I tell him there was another A 4 years ago and his english teacher was OW, well, maybe he will say: mom,you are imagining things, that can't be true!
I am sure the shock will make him say this.
Also, I have people telling me that exposure will hurt me more than my H! I do not know if that is true but they say that son will become resentuful and will think I am telling him all this out of anger and revenge. He will think I want him to take sides...my side.

I think your son will sluff it off again and you will feel hurt and alienated ALL OVER AGAIN. He has been taught that adultery is ok.

I think your son NEEDS to hear your side of all this. He NEEDS to see your pain. He NEEDS to understand what infidelity destructs. He needs your honesty.

Yes, he does need to see your side and he also needs to know that you are hurt by it. My son was at college when d-day happened for me. He was actually confused by my hurt. He said his dad never treated me very well in the first place and now I would be able to do the things I couldn't do when I was with him, without his criticizing me about it. Now he was also very upset that his dad would run out on him as well, but once he realized he wouldn't, he wanted to understand about me.

Your son loves you Atena. He needs to know how you feel and have felt about the whole thing. I'm not saying dump your problems on him - not at all. Simply inform him about how this has affected you, that the holidays are going to be difficult for you and that you will do the best you can to give him a nice Christmas regardless.

Your son is a guy.
Guys really do not like talking about feelings. Young men especially do not like to hear their mother talking about her feelings.

Here is my suggestion.

ASK your son if he is interested in hearing your story.
If he says "Not now Mom." ... then say

"OK, how about after Christmas we talk?"

My point is, this will not go well at all if you try to cram this down his young male throat.

Timing is everything with this sort of information.
Christmas is probably not the best of timing.
Instead, make warm memories together.

I never thought holidays were going to be so hard especially with son around. I had a heart to heart talk with him and told him how much i hurt. He is on my side and said his dad is stupid and acts like a teen ...he also said that his dad is making a huge mistake and that he feels his dad needs to deal with lots of crap from his past andthat it will take him a long time.
Son went to see his dad yesterday and spend the night there. He is comin back in an hour. I do not want to hear anything they spoke about....should I tell son immediately that I do not want to know a word about his encounter with his dad?
Thank you for all your help, this is soooo hard!!!!!!!!
blessing

The littles just came back from their Christmas visit with the DNA donor. I never ask details, I only ever ask if they had a nice time. THEY are the important ones and your son is the important one.

Okay. I just read all of the responses and I totally agree with this.

I especially agree because sweeping the 1st adultry under the rug did NOTHING except provide you with a tripping spot.

You cannot, CANNOT do this again. There is no further sweeping...capice?

Atena, I am so happy to hear this! Agree with Delean that you should ask him not to tell you anything. {{{{{{{{ATENA}}}}}}}}}}}

Son came back from visit with his dad. He said his dad is totally into canoeing and sports, was doing ok but lives in a small room very crammed. WH asked son how I was doing, but neither my son nor H talked about his A. My son seems to think that since OW was not there with his dad she must not be as important as I made it to believe. Well H is very manipulative and wants son to believe OW has nothing to do with end of M.
I will work on son in the next couple of days to drill into him that A is what broke the M.
Thank u for all your help!
Happy new year

Be careful not to do it as an accusation, or he will feel it necessary to defend his dad, and take his side. Use logic. "Think about it, son. If OW were not important, why would your dad give up everything he's worked his whole life for, to live in a tiny box? His brain chemicals are doing this to him - the ones that take over when a woman comes on to a man, and he loses all control."

That way, he can identify with his dad, yet still see it's wrong.

Thank you cat, I just saw your message so I did not use your approach 100%, but what I did tell m y son is: son look at the facts. He is with her not us. He made his choice. Plus, why would he sneak around for 18 months behind our backs to see her and go on vacation with her if she was not important?

But son does not get it. He left today and at the airport son told me his dad is plannin a trip to the states in august.
I told son that That is the month when OW's kids are with their father for at least 2 weeks. So she is free to travel with H to the states to meet the family.
At that point son got really mad at me and said I put too much on this OW. Son added that if she was so important his dad would have introduced her to him formally during this xmas break but he did not. He would have also brought her along when H met son but he did not.
Well son knows her, she is the neighbor so no need to introduce
her. I also explained to son that H is planning this slowly because he knows he is doing something very wrong therefore having her around now would not have worked as son is coming into this new separation situation cold turkey and having OW around now would confirm to son that H left me for her.
In fact son told his dad that his dad was stupid for leaving me for OW. But H told him, no no no....that he left me because things were not going well between us.
Son just does not get the importance OW has played in breaking the M and is getting really upset at me for this.
I tried to explain everything to him, I even told him about the text messages OW and his dad were exchanging, but to no avail.
Probably I was too accusatory towards H and son felt he needed to defend him. But how can son not see what has been going on for 18 months under his own nose while his dad was doing neighbor in our building and was not spending time with us and was in a stupor when he did?
I think son is shocked by the situation and very hurt by what his dad did, but he is still in denial about the importance of OW. I do not blame him given he knows who she is...but still maybe I am expecting too much too soon.
Soon enough my H's madness will be so clear to everyone. It is only a matter of time.
I am curious to see what kind of tale he is going to spin in the next few months to justify his taking her to the states and introducing her to his family as I am sure that this is what he is planning.
He is just taking baby steps because if he introduces her now it would be too clear to everyone why he left me....but wouldn't it be clear even in 8 mnths from now? What is his logic in this?Does anyone have any ideas?
blessing

He wants to be able to bolster his story that you split up because of marital problems and only LATER latched onto the OW.

However, you have already told folks the truth, Atena, you have no control over whether they believe you or not. You will drive yourself crazy trying to figure out how to control the spin of a wayward.

Did you have an otherwise nice visit with your son?

Sons know their mothers will always love them. Their dads...not so much. It is VERY hard for a son to turn against his father, because he spends his whole life trying to gain his dad's approval. Asking him to support you over Dad is like telling him to spend the rest of his life as a vegetarian, because it's important to YOU. He may understand that, but it would mean he spent the rest of his life miserable, just to make you happy.

Give him time. Back off. Chances are, they'll be together for some time and your son will participate with them as a couple, and you can't do anything about it. But if so, your son may see what you saw in her. All you can do is say your piece and take the high road and show your son what a great mom you are, and what a POS the OW is, and let him come to his own conclusions.

Thank you cat and mel.
The visit with my son was full of triggers because was my son first time without his dad during the holidays. His dad never really called him and son had to do all the calling and arrangement to meet with him.
I guess I was angry inside because of the cunning attitude of H and his way of slipping OW by the back door just by giving it time.
I guess he is totally taken by her and the fact that he does not even care about spending time with his son does show how much he is into her.
I really cannot believe it. He has confined himself to a matchbox of an appartment just to be able to see her at will.
I guess I will have to be prepared for this A to last a while and there is really nothing I can do to prevent the 2 of them to spent time with son.
I am going quite crazy and do not feel well. These holidays have been showing me once more that my H is gone for good and that I have to really accept that and move on....
It hurt me to see my son stressed out and somewhat angry at me for being jelous (as son puts it) of OW who he believes is insignificant.
blessings

He is just a kid, atena. I know how it hurts when your kid doesn't get that. My XH left me for an OW and is still with her. All of their friends are perfectly fine with that so that is the example my son has learned despite what I have told him. Trying to force him to change his mind and take a stronger stance against my H's adultery is a futile mission that has only caused me hurt and grief. So I know very well where you are coming from.

{{{{{{{{{{{{Atena}}}}}}}}}}}}

How would you like to be an "OW" who is too sleazy to be introduced to your OP's son? He had to hide her in the closet like a pair of dirty underwear.

thank you Mel, at times I cannot believe he will spend the many years with OW! it seems so crazy. She has 2 bratty kids..and even if he introduces her to his family they all know who she is and what she did...and will look at her as a piece of trash.
Son told me H's new friends are really low life and that leaving in a small place with OW as only companion might grow old soon....of course he is underestimating the power of romantic love and of the A.
I am sad and my heart broke when son returned to the states yesterday.
blessing

(((((atena))))),

Mel's right, he is just a kid. Try not to take much of what he says to personally. I know it's hard, but he's at a stage in his life where is trying to figure life out and will resist the knowledge of his parents. How you present yourself during this time will stay with him, even if he doesn't understand it now.

You need to take care of yourself. It is imparative if not for you then for your son. He needs to have at least one sane, moral parent in his life......

So what are you going to do for yourself today??

Not2fun