Update - Marriage Builders® Forums

HI. I am not sure how much time I have here, but I wanted to give an update. I think part of my not being here is because I wasn't doing what everyone here says I need to do. Not completely. I do still talk to the OM, and we are just friends. We have talked this thing inside and out. We talk much less frequently mainly because now that we are "done" it costs alot of money on his phone bill..lol. He has been very supportive, and my feelings for him are that of a friend I cherish. We did see each other once, for lunch, and it was a hug and a kiss on the cheek. That last time was pretty comfortable. Meaning, it felt fine, actually, it felt good, not doing anything else. We can see that we are friends, and only friends. My H and I are doing **OK**. We have been doing alot of talking. Feelings have been discussed alot. I want this to work. I don't feel telling him about my mistakes will help him, me, or us. It will only hurt. And it is over. I am searching, with him, what we have together aside from the children. I now have options, where when I got myself into the A I didn't. I wasn't working, I had no means of taking care of myself if we split. And from that, I think I felt trapped. I now have a job, and the ability to feel strong on my own. IF it came to that. We have discussed that too. It's a day to day thing, but nothing too earth shattering. I am doing ok..don't feel as much in a fog as I did. I know what I want now, and I am willing to work at it.He has given up his "affair" with his mom, and finally come home, and so have I. We both still feel comfort in knowing that they are there, but we are with each other. whoaaa..that sounds creepy. Ok, I am ready to get flammed...lol. But before you flame me, remember that I am smiling again, and things are much better even if I have chosen to keep this a secret. Even if H and I don't stay together in the long run, I know that I will be ok.

Speaking as the BS, I don't think I'd ever be able to accept the "we're just friends" line. I just don't think it's very respectful of your H's feelings. I don't know your whole story, but I'm sure that most people would say once you've had more than a friendship with someone of the opposite sex, it's almost impossible to go back. Just my opinion, but if you want true recovery, you need to get OM out of your life completely. I think you fooling yourself if you're thinking any differently.

I have to agree with mon on this one. You can not be "just friends" and you H knows this. Break all contact with OM and work hard to get your M back on track.Good luck

2Ws, Well, I for one am not going to flame you. In fact I might get flamed myself. Ok, I can accept the fact that you are not willing to tell your H of the OM. Even though it goes against MB principles. As long as you are willing to put 100% of yourself into repairing your marriage, then so be it. Do what you feel is best. And I will wish you nothing but the best. Having said that, I must agree with the others. Lose the frienship with the OM. Why can't you see the injustice of having him in your life? It is an incredible roadblock to the recovery of your marriage. With OM still around even as a friend you will never truely give your all to the marriage. All I ask is that you REALLY think about this. Ask yourself how you would feel if the shoe was on the other foot. You know? Back when you loved your husband with all your heart? Believe me when I tell you that I wish you and your future, NOTHING but the BEST. Good Luck jd

[ March 24, 2004, 11:10 PM: Message edited by: 2worlds ]

Thats wrong.
This is not a simple friendship.
And even if all she says is true about what brought you and OM together, it is no longer true now.If H is willing, aware, and able to meet all of your needs now -- that is who should be doing it.
Are you back in a place where you want your marriage to work? I believe you said that in your first post.This is NOT about whether or not you and OM can keep your body parts to yourselves. This is about showing respect to your husband. This relationship cannot continue in any form because it shows disrespect to your husband.I get a sense from the things you are saying that you are building a back door for yourself. Now you can support yourself, the thought of splitting up is still in your head, and I think your reason for not getting totally rid of OM is part of that.

Lexxy,You've come a long way girl!!!who

Lexx, I am very proud of you tonight. I know, I know, you probably could care less if I am proud of you or not. Irregardless of that, I couldn't have said it better myself. 2worlds, You need to listen to Lexxxy. She has been in your shoes, as WS. Not all that long ago she even sounded somewhat like you. With one possible exception. The difference as I see it is that you are sounding like you want to make your marriage better. I am not sure Lexx got to that point. Although I pray she will and that her H will give her that chance. As for the letter from your friend....well you have said you put a great deal into what she says to you. I can understand that. Friend or no friend, she is plain wrong. Simple as that. Yes, you know her, where you don't and likely will never, know any of us. That does not make her right about this. Please consider closing that back door Lexx is talking about. Or walk through the back door and forget about it. Your marriage deserves the whole chance to heal. jd

.....and today, the fog is thick......here I had thought it had lifted. BBL today when I have more time. [img]images/icons/frown.gif" border="0[/img] 2worldsPS..thank you...I mean that.