ExOW still lurks online - so why do I care??

Okay folks - believe me when I say that life with my H is wonderful - really. So why am I still obsessed with what exOW is "up to". She lives FAR away from us, they have not had any contact, yet I feel it necessary to check online once in awhile to see what/where she is. My H found out and is not impressed - partly because I go online as "him" however I NEVER try to contact her - I just see if she's haunting the chat rooms again.(Which she is - with photo on her profile and everything.)
So, what this tells me is that she's at it again and I wonder what other married guys she's "connecting" with. My logical self tells me - she's pathetic, her life has nothing to do with ours anymore, focus on your own life...but like a sick addiction I feel the need to do this.

Acccckkkkk!! Has anyone else kept tabs like this - even three years after the fact? Help me overcome this stupid, time wasting activity!!

Hey Alberta,

Gotta tell you that this 'ol gal does the same also. Why? Well 'ol PBR maintains at least 2 known websites (sells tea leaves and skirts/blankets/pillows).... don't ask me how she came up with that combination - something about going cha cha cha is what she says on both sites - <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" /> )

In our case, the OW is much closer so check up on her has helped. Now I don't get all the personal info but I finally saw her face and uuugh..... NOw I know why her H left but now think that my H needs glasses. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Eek!]" src="images/icons/shocked.gif" />

L.

Thanks for the reply Orchid - I almost didn't post this as I know so many others on this forum have more dire issues - I'm in a situation where the affair is OVER. My husband did fall out of love with me and with another however, and that is a fact that I have a hard time letting go of. He loves me now - no question - he's been honest and open - yet I still question things. I tried to explain that he always had my blind trust and that I knew for a fact that he would never ever cheat - yet he did. So, my reality completely changed. My husband was not the man I thought he was.

Okay - well, I could babble on - I just need to figure out why I hold on to some of the pain - like wanting to know about what she's doing, who she is - what her life is like now.

My poor dear Husband sometimes feels he can't win I think and I don't want to do this to him.

Thanks for letting me vent!!

Alberta,
I do the same thing. Its been almost 3 years for me too. I just like keeping an eye on her for some strange reason. I think its harmless.

[ June 14, 2003, 09:51 PM: Message edited by: MelodyLane ]

Melody -
I'm not so sure it is so harmless-- I think it is preventing me from "closing the door" on this period of our lives. Is that even possible to do?
Her life should mean nothing to me, yet I'm the one letting her affect me and my life. She has truly stayed away (since Nov 2001) and has moved on. I initiated online contact between her and my H, as well as her and I in Oct 2002,(I thought I had some "dirt" on her which would prove she was just a big fat liar..but that didn't pan out) and it was clear between parties that we have all moved forward....but CLEARLY I HAVEN'T, at least not entirely. I think I'm clearing my mind more with this post than seeking help (altho - any enlightenment would be appreciated) and trying to finally LET GO, LET GO , LET GO. Accckkk.....more wine needed. (Or should I say whine?? <img border="0" title="" alt="[Big Grin]" src="images/icons/grin.gif" /> )

Cheer and hugs

Alberta, I speedread your original post and glossed over the part where you said you were "still obsessed" with what she was up to. I have to concur that might not be the healthiest activity because it keeps you thinking about it EVERY DAY.

The way I break any addiction is to stop for just one day. And then try it the next day. And pretty soon the days just add up.

However, I don't think its a thing you can EVER completely let go. This is a person who was involved in the greatest betrayal a person can ever experience. It is as traumatic as losing a child. Even though I don't harbor any grudges against the OW, I will never forget what she did. It just takes some of us longer than others.

<blockquote>quote:<hr />Originally posted by Alberta:
...yet I feel it necessary to check online once in awhile to see what/where she is.
<hr /></blockquote>I don't think this is a strange or harmful thing in and of itself. At least I hope not, because I do this sort of thing on a lot of people I used to know. <img border="0" title="" alt="[Wink]" src="images/icons/wink.gif" />

I think the questions you need to ask yourself are, what are you checking up on her for, and what do you accomplish by it?

I'm not the sort of person who keeps in touch with old friends easily, even though I'm quite nostalgic. So, when the bug bites me, I'll run names of friends to Google to see if I can find out what they're doing now. Sometimes I write to them; sometimes not.

(Plus, I'm really, REALLY nosey!)

I like doing that because, 9 times out of 10, they're doing really well in their lives. Makes me happy.

Then, there is one guy, an abusive ex-boyfriend, I keep tabs on because I want to know if he ever comes back to town (he hasn't, thank god.) I'm watching him for a totally different reason, and when I see that he's in Atlanta and not Michigan, I feel a little more secure.

I think if you're checking for a reason like the one above -- not every day, but maybe a couple times a year -- it's no harm done.

[ June 15, 2003, 03:14 PM: Message edited by: wiegee ]

I haven't been able to find her in a chat room, but I have intense anger at this B that turned my life upside down and more, stomped on it and more... that is putting it mildly.

Don't know if I can ever forgive her? Maybe I should?

Hugs to all of you, nice to know I am not insane.

H