I Married My "Affair" Partner - Marriage Builders® Forums

Yes, I married my affair partner and now after one a year of marriage he has filed for a divorce because he dosen't trust me with money. If you read my other posts you will understand with the background history.I think he is back with his XW and it hurts because I love him so desperately. I don't want to let go but I know I do. He told me today there will never be anything romantic between us again and that he just wants to get this divorce over soon so he can get on with his life, take care of his kids and himself and not have to worry about anybody.I asked him if it was that easy to shut the door on 7 years and not feel anything and he said he's doing what he has to do. What does that mean? Men and women are so different--Men...can you actually shut the door and not think about your last 7 years and not carry memories with you? What about love?I was asked the question today by a co-worker--if he did come back and want to be together again do you trust him? I would take him back in a heart beat because of the way I love him and feel for him and his beautiful kids--I trust him in all areas but not with my heart.I had gotten him a vday gift several months ago (when we were still together) and decided to give it to him yesterday (something he needs and can definitely use for work) along with a card and his favorite candy bar. Didn't hear from his yesterday--only to find out he spent it with his XW and his kids and spent the night at their house--anyways, when I got home today the gift was sitting on the dog kennel with a note that read "I don't want this stuff". It was wrapped and he didn't even open it. I guess he does hate me. Its so hard to let go of the man I love soooooo much. I feel I have thrown away one of the best things that has come into my life and I can't do anything about it.Am I afraid to be alone? Am I afraid I won't find anyone else? Not sure--really don't want anyone else--nobody can match up or compare to my H. I've tried in the past when we've split up for whatever reason. Any men out there that can shed some light on a mans way of thinking. I am confused!! My other posts (for background info and the whole entire stories) are "Is there still hope" and "Help--I'm still in love and can't let go".Thanks!------------------

I don't know if this would help you but I would suggest taking a look into your past to help you find some answers. How did he react towards his ex when he was having the affair with you? Did he treat her shabbily as well? I think maybe our past will tell us sometimes what we are dealing with in the here and now. I hope that things work out with you and would go with NSR's welcome speach and tell you to read the books by Dr. Harley and then to post here with questions. I would suggest counselling for yourself as well. This helps sort out some of those issues that come with this. I pray things work out for you.....God Bless.------------------ Chick's BrenYou won't see things until your ready to not be blind!

I can't really offer much help. I just wanted to say that my H also turned his back on 7 years without even a shutter. Also, I have this tendency to purchase gifts for family FAR in advance (so far that I already have my brother's birthday present - for July). Anyway, I've give H some of the cards I had bought him. He doesn't even respond. I think they go straight to the trash. He hates me and tells me that he will never love me again. I have gifts boxed up that I had bought him for Christmas (he left in Nov.) I've tried to find someone who could wear the clothes, but I don't know anyone that size. I love him with all my heart and always will, but I have to let go. I hate to admit this, but it is starting to get easier. Maybe it is because he and OW called me the other night and verbally harrassed me. Just do what you think is right and keep your head up.

He is divorcing you over money and divorced his wife over money (per history). He either has some money hang up or has found this a most convenient way to exit a marriage. I don't doubt he needs to "get on with his life" and take care of what he should have been for the last several years. There's a door that was never fully closed, maybe? Do you think maybe his wife also heard the "I'm doing what I have to do" line?Accepting gifts from you at this point would have given you hope, possibly false hope.I don't doubt you love this "man". No matter what, many of his actions lead you to believe he was available to you and now it hurts. This website teaches the various stages of an affair, why they happen and what you can do. You could try using some of the advice and teachings of Harley. What I hope you would notice is the pattern of your relationship with him.Again, take care. You too deserve to be loved, by someone free to love you, faithfully.

kimberI'm going to get right to the point. You might not like what I am about to say, but hear me out.You have been married 1 year. From the sounds of it your affair went on for a number of years ( I got this impresion from your profile). You ask how could it be so easy for him to shut the door on 7 years with you, with 6 of them being part and party to an affair with him. How long was he married to his 1st wife? He just shut the door on that marraige didn't he? What made you think he wouldn't do the same to you?The money thing sounds like an excuse to me. The same one he might have used to end it with his 1st wife, perhaps?From what I hear the OW usually needs to back off during the entire divorce process and wait untill the MM is emotionaly unattached from his W if things have a snowballs chance of working out for their future together. Did you do this? If not it looks like he might not have ever became emotionaly untangled from his 1st wife. Throw in his kids from the 1st marriage and you have a divorce in the making. I don't doubt your love for your H. But you really need to read some of Dr. Harley's books on affairs to understand in many cases affairs are an illusion, or fantasy. Once the reality of day in day out surfaces with the OW things head south. It sounds like you two might have jumped into marriage way too soon. If he is seeing his XW, then I would think he is still attached to her in a big way. And she to him to still see him after the divorce. Do the two of you have any children together? If not, be thankful. The kids are the ones that really loose the most in divorce. You say you love him, right? You didn't neglect him, ignore him, or do anything other than be a loving wife, right? If this is the case then it may be he still loves his 1st W. You can try to do a solid PlanA. But if you have been meeting all his needs all along and he still wants to be with his XW, you may be fighting a loosing battle. If you love him as much as you say you do, perhaps the best thing for you to do is let him go. Let him be happy with the people that can make him happy. I know this will hurt you to have to do this. But there are some things you can't fight and one of those is true love.I mean no disrespect to you. And I am sorry if this sounds harsh. But it is honestly what I think.One last thing. I doubt that he hates you. He wouldn't have left his W for you if he hated you. I just think he is still in love with his 1st wife and wants to be a full time part of his kid's lives.I'm sorry this has happened to you. You deserve a man who can love you and you alone. It doesn't sound like your H can do that.If I were you'd I'd move on and make sure any man you meet in the future is available to be yours.Good Luck and God Bless,Fingers Crossed

Kimber,I feel so sorry for you. You built your relationship with your husband on a lie. He obviously was untrustworthy - he was cheating on his wife...with you. Hindsight is 20/20, but didn't you know what kind of person you were falling in love with?There is no easy way out of your situation now. It will be painful to let go of him, but that is the only real path for you. Try to find solace in the fact that the relationship was really wrong in the first place. It may be hard to see it now, but you are better off without him.Take care.

kimber,As you may know the divorce rate in the western world is 50%, higher in 2nd. marriages and probably even higher when the marriage was based on betraying someone.The thing is, we can end a relationship and start a new one but our own patterns, our typical behavior will put us in the same spot over and over again. I suggest you get some counseling to find out which of your habits are destructive... by changing them inside out your relationships (in general) will improve.As a betrayed H I don't want to discuss the "lie" part of the relationship (you and your now H's affair, his XW and his possible current affair (maybe only emotional- but still affair), but it's something that you should analyze.Alex------------------ Live fully and always learn

Kimber,Don't have a lot of time, but did want to suggest you stop thinking this is a "man" problem.My ex did the same exact thing after she met OM. They are in a fantasy world, and only look out for themselves.This is a tough one however, as I am sure he has seven years of guilt over his kids being releaved right now. Don't want to be negative, but I am sure that is what is driving a lot of this.

Kimber,I am sorry you are in pain right now. A lot of us are. This whole affair business is nothing but heartache. I think you will understand your relationship if you learn more about affairs. I know you think seven years is a long time, but in the middle of all that going back and forth and all, you never had his heart that whole time 100%. There are a lot of people that were in a "committed faithful" marriage for 7 years and their spouse still leaves. I believe in my heart a GOOD GOOD portion of the betrayers WISE UP AND GO BACK TO THEIR ORIGINAL SPOUSE. I don't mean wise up that you are not as good as first wife, I just think they go on to relationship #2 and really have a much higher expectation. Look what they gave up to be in this new relationship. A lot. SO it better be worth it. Once they see the same problems, they realize, that THEY were in fact part of the problem and first spouse wasn't so bad. AND most people will always love their first spouse, or the parent of their kids. How long was your H with wife number 1? I still think you should look at this. He left her with 4 children over money. There is no way he won't do it to you. Try to be strong and learn from this. Did you get papers served yet? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

[Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

prayers are with you.

Marriage is a covenant with God and you helped him break that convenant. It was not love on his part for you, you see the true love was with his wife. If she is a strong prayer person and has a relationship with God, then this the answer to her prayers, you see God upholds the marriage even if you and him did not. When the affair started her and her children were torn apart and if she was believing in her miracle from God, and prayed for him and their marriage then God has answered her prayers, read proverbs chapter 5, I am praying for this very same miracle in my own marriage and believing in God to do the work, I have to tell you I have some very ugly names for the other woman and have at times threathened her if she got near my kids and I meant those threats, they are our children and it is our family and she doesn't have a part in it, you need to let go and give him back to the woman God gave him to, to start with, no matter how hard, god will give you the right man and always remember if he's married already he can not be your man.

I concur with Regina Engel's post. If the X-W was his first wife he has returned to his covenant wife.

OK, I will probably be flamed on this one.You had an affair with a married man. He's going back to his wife after your relationship broke down.I'm sorry, I understand how hurt you must be but now you probably understand what his wife went through when he was ripped from her.Little sympathy here, sorry (I wanted to say more but I think you may know it already)Who said justice was unfair?J

LIke I said to a "friend" that was seeing a married man,,,,,,,,,,"If he can do this to his wife,,,,he'll do it to you too." And he did!!!!

I can say only one thing, and this is speaking straight from my own pain:You reap what you sow. ------------------ terri I believe in miracles...

AMEN!!

I so have to agree with all of these posts. You probably thought it was fine when you was taking him away from his wife and children 7 years ago. And even if you did have some guilt feelings about it, you did it anyway, because it felt good for you. Forget about those whom you hurt in the process. But now that the tables are turned, you are seeing that it doesn't feel so good. I know that doesn't make the pain any less for you, but I don't think you'll find a lot of sympathy on this site because you represent to most of the people on here what they are so torn up and in pain about-the person who, along with their spouse, is helping to destroy their life.

Kimber,With respect to all on the forum, I just want to say this, I do feel sorry for your pain. You are human and we all are. We all hurt the same. Hopefully we all learn from our mistakes. I am sorry that your marriage is ending. We are all here to help one another and I feel you have a lot to offer the forum. You can shed insight to things we may not know. Some of us here, myself included, are women that have been extremely hurt by our husband's betrayal. We were once happily married. Our husbands decided to have an affair, our whole life changed. Many of us have TERRIBLE feelings toward the OW. (myself especially). I personally hope the OW gets back what she gave me. I hope you don't take it personal if anyone tells you their opinion on the situation, because there are always a variety of opinions. I have to say thank you because I must say Kimber, I was served with divorce papers and my immediate reaction was to counterfile. I am going to try and hold off a bit. I truly believe most H's return to their W eventually. I am sorry you got caught up in the wrong end but your story does interest me. I have taken heat on the forum for something I did once too. Take it as a learning experience . I did. And in the end, I realized that they were right on the situation and I was wrong. (should I move on with OM) Everyone here is in pain and we all can help each other. Keep us updated. I do suspect by what you say that when your divorce is final, H will go back to his W. Have you read up on any of the MB site yet?Prayers go out to you.

Kimber,You were in a long term relationship with someone, and although you love him very much, and even married him, it will never hold the substance that is possible - with a person who is free to love you without weights on their shoulders.This man, this husband of yours, is never going to completely satisfy you. You will be always trying to out-love, out-win, and always feel short of the mark. There is nothing that can happen at this point to legitimize your relationship with this man, in my opinion.Your post caught my eye, because in some ways I question the legitimacy of my marriage. It is our second marriage for both of us.When I met my husband, he told me that his stbxw had been cheating on him for so many years, off and on. He told me that it was over between them. I discovered after coming to this site - that the brevity of our relationship while he yet was still in a legal marriage with his wife - has hindered our relationship from the get-go. Although our relationship was never built on lies and deceit, the foundation of a future family was on a bad foundation - because he didn't have a chance to heal, nor did his children. Also, his XW hasn't healed, and this is 10 years later. She had 9 serious relationships in 2 years, and had an affair with a married man and married him.We live 2000 miles away from her, and it is over 10 years later..... She still wants her first husband back, and now has convinced her 2nd husband to move to MN!!! Oh my gosh, neither of them have any family, except my husband and his XW's daughters! They will be moving here in 3 weeks.Uggghhh....So, I really understand where you are coming from, but I really hope that you take a good look at the foundation of your relationship, and heal, and find someone who is free to love you the way you want to be loved, in an entirety.TNT

I have to disagree with the comment that he probably doesn't hate you. My H now truly does hate the OW because of the things she said to me, did to me, and just the fact that she gave him the admiration he was missing from me. He realizes all of this because of Dr. Harley's books. You really should read them.Sorry if this sounds harsh.

this might be considered harsh, or judgemental...so forgive me now if i offend anyone on this forum. but my mother always told me... What Comes Around...Goes Around

We are still in the dark....please keep us posted. I do feel for you...you are a humanbeing and with that I can feel and understand your pain.I want so bad to say more.....as I am still hurting from my stbx....but I will save it for venting on my own post.Nancy

Nothing new to update...my H is basically living with XW and kids. I haven't talked to him for a while. I hope he is doing okay. I was at my sons school last night for their italian dinner and my H XW, their kids and XW's parents were there. I passed his XW in the hall she smiled at me but wouldn't look at me eye to eye. I saw his kids at the book fair and they said they were waiting for their Dad to eat--big happy family...even with his x-inlaws he absolutely hated. I went to a support group last night for Women with Depression--it was good. They were very supportive--I think I'll go back again next week. Even though this was a bible study, they didn't think negatively of the fact that I committed one of the commandments--adultry. I told them I felt like I was now being punished for what I did 7 years ago. Instead, they gave me support and said God would never punish you--if I had asked for his forgiveness before he gave it to me--which I had within one year of the whole ordeal. So, I felt better about that because it was really bothering me thinking I was being punished. I need to let go, I'm trying my hardest, if he is happy with his XW and being a full time Dad again, I love him enough to let him go. I want him to be happy again and to be able to love again. He is a good man, a great Dad and a great H!! I will always love him in my heart and he will always have a special place along with his kids, but I am trying my hardest to move ahead.His birthday is one week from today and I've always done something special and surprised him--it will be hard on the 25th not to be with him, but he will be in my thoughts. I pray he his happy.As for me, well...I'm coping day by day. Some days its much harder than others and it feel like, at times, for each step I take forward I take two steps backwards. I'm sure it will get better...but not soon enough. At times I want to pack my bags and run away and start over where I know no one. My H and my lives are so inter-twined at times I know I will eventually run into him with his XW and I will be totally devestated--how will I handle it? Who knows--but I won't let him see me cry.I know right now I have my son and he is number one besides myself. I need to get out of our house until it sells (moving in with my parents) because of all the memories--along with all his things and his kids' things still here.Thanks for all your insight. Please keep me in your prayers.Kimber------------------

Kimber, You said he is living there, are they "together" again?You will get through this. Use this forum to learn as much as you can. Have you been learning about affairs yet, or reviewed the MB site or any books. They will help.My prayers are with you. Dana

Terri - that about says it all! Sorry I can't be sympothetic.

<BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>big happy family...even with his x-inlaws he absolutely hated.<HR></BLOCKQUOTE> I would say he most likely did not hate them. It's easier on the person having the affair if they alienate everyone they knew with their spouse (including the spouse) because then they don't have to deal with them.No, God is not punishing you.------------------ Prayers & God Bless! Chris For relationship info check out <A HREF="http://www.pcisys.net/~chriscal1/resources.html" TARGET=_blank>Marriage & Relationship Resources</A>

Kimber,I truly do feel your pain and am heartfully sorry that you are going through something like this. I just ended a 10 month affair today for the 4th and FINAL time and I am absolutely devastated. My heart is just breaking for you.....Please know that our God is not a punishing God. I do believe there are consequences for sin and I know I'm probably in for a whopper of a consequence, but the bottom line is this: just as you would love your son no matter what he did, what mistake he made, our Lord and Saviour loves us just as much. If we truly are sorry for the pain we have caused and the horrid sin we have committed against Him, as well as the MM's wife and family (I know you ended up marrying him but initally he was a MM) He will put that sin "as far as the East is from the West". I understand and admire you for wanting him and his family to be happy. I love my (x)MM sooooo much that his happiness has always seemed more important than my own. And even though his wife knows nothing of our affair, I still feel like a filthy no-good witch for doing this to her. I pray for your healing. May God truly bless you with a wonderful man who will love and adore you.

kimber, Isn't it amazing how self-righteous people can be in the name of God? (Hello Regina)God is not punishing you or creating "justice". God loves you and wants happiness for you. He created you didn't he?What I've come to realize and still struggle with is this: these seemingly horrible experiences are a fantastic opportunity for growth. You, like me, have probably been denying something inside yourself that deserves a closer look. These denials are what often cause poor judgement. Listen to yourself!Take your time to grieve but also take this time to heal. You can come through this stronger than ever and unwilling to fall into a destructive relationship ever again. His leaving, believe it or not, is probably a blessing.Good luck to you kimber. I know it's not easy. I'll say a prayer right now. You too, okay? Amen.

I'm not too sure what I want to say to you.Nothing bad, but I have very mixed emotions.You've been honest and up-front (more that my H gave me) but boy, what, just what do I think ?I'm sorry for what you are going through, it's awful for anyone to hurt so bad.....Take care of youJo

Kimber--I want to extend my heartfelt sympathy to you. Whatever the path was to get you to this point, right or wrong, conventional or unconventional...you are hurting and your H has left. Many of us will support you through your healing. Keep us updated. I'm glad you're taking steps to continue on with your life. You're a strong person and your little one needs you. As you heal, try to look toward new things, and when you consider what happened, learn from it as best you can. There's still a possibility your H may do another flip-flop; he already has--from you back to his Ex. I hope he's learning too to spare you ALL more pain, and not running in confusion. Pain is an excellent teacher though...without it, we wouldn't cherish the good. You WILL find what's "right" for you. [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

I really feel for you... I agree with Lucks, that there are those who will support you. Many here, though, have brand new fresh pain, and the OW in their lives are hateful manipulating shrews... they can't do anything about them, so they flame you. Your response in your update was kind and mature, and you didn't answer the anger with anger. I respect that.Kimber, I hope that you can find some peace, and that your H will make up his mind what and who he wants. It sounds like he still loves his first W, and misses his children and extended family. He should have thought long and hard about leaving them in the first place, but obviously, he pushed all those feelings inside and thought he was doing the right thing in marrying you. That is so sad! A lesson for us all!!! Take care, and keep us posted.

Well, here it is Sunday and H just left after coming over to pick up some clothes for his kids and himself. I talked to him earlier on the phone when he called to get mad because I wasn't leaving the garage door open and he could get in the house. I said I didn't lock it (which I didn't) but on occasion if you bump it just right it will lock. He had me in tears because he dosen't believe a word that comes out of my mouth--"You are a chronic lier with an addiction to lying".Anyways, he just left. When he is here in person a different side of him will appear for a brief moment then disappear and will appear again a little later. I didn't want to him to see me cry but I did--I am mad at myself for that. When I told him how bad I was hurting he said he was hurting too and that it wasn't a piece of cake for him--he's dealing with alot right now too. He told me he didn't love me at all--I told him I could accept that and asked if he still cared deeply like he told me and he said NO. He cares if I'm sick or hurting but that is it. I told him to give me 6 months to let me prove I can be trusted again. I will lay out all my credit card bills, checkbook, savings book and all to see I do pay my bill and I CAN be trusted with money. He says he hopes I can. I asked that in the future if he ever has a change of heart and thinks that things could be different between us if he would call. He didn't know. The day he asked for a divorce he promised he would give me time and when the time came that he was ready for a realtionship agian he would look at me first. When I asked him that same question again today he said he didn't think so but he didn't know. With what he feels inside for me, what I have done to him, and all we've been through, he said he could never trust me again and there would never be anything more. At times, from things he says, I question if he is physically back with XW or if he is just hiding it. He deserves to be happy and he deserves to love again the way he is capable of. Oh, I love him dearly. I just want a friendship back with him again in the future. We always had so much fun together. When I think of that I cry, like I'm doing right now. Spring is coming...when the snow melts will it wash away all the bad and bring in the new and good? Last night after church I talked to the pastor and laid all out to him. I am having a hard time with my Faith in God. I know our God is not a punishing God, but how could he let me hurt so bad. I know I have asked for forgiveness and he has given it to me, but why can't I let go of my H and deal with the pain. Am I getting now what I deserved 7 years ago--hurting they way his XW did when I took her husband away? Is she paying me back now being nice to him, them getting "so close" (as my H explained this morning on the phone) to hurt me like she hurt? Is she laughing inside knowing I have now lost and she was won? Or, is she stringing my H along and will drop him and hurt him like he hurt her? I couldn't bear to see him hurt. I can just remember so clearly when his XW pulled me aside this past November and looked at me in the eyes and said there was nothing going on between them, she has nothing left for him in that way, and he had hurt her one to many times and there will NEVER be anything between them again. Was that a put on? I'm sure she sees him differently now than when they were married. He is a hard worker, very active in his kids' life, and they still have a "bond" they always talk about. My H told me this morning on the phone that they have been doing alot of talking, more than they have since they divorced, and they have become much closer, have done alot of talking about the past, present and future. What does that mean?I just have so many unanswered questions that nobody can answer except my H. I wrote him a note and he took it with him and I said we both have unanswered questions and maybe someday we will be able to sit down and answer them for one another. Sorry to keep babbling...I'll sign off now. He said he would coming over alot this week to get his things packed so I'll keep you posted.Until later...Kimber ------------------