Marriage Builders®
Posted By: Ginnie Is he verbally abusing me? - 02/28/00 04:06 PM
I want to thank all of you who posted a response to my post a few weeks ago concerning my problems with my H. They were a tremendous help. Thanks to your suggestions and opinions, I learned to accept my mistakes and put my pride aside for the sake of my marriage. After my husband and I decided to give our relationship another chance and after I admitted and accepted my faults and tried my best to fix them and to change for the better... he turned around and verbally attacked me once again. I know he's very frustrated at the moment, (he's finishing law school and working long hours). He is obsessed with his plans about the future and about succeeding. He feels that living for the present is a huge mistake that the whole world suffers from! He says that we were put on this earth to suffer...not to enjoy ourselves. I honestly think he has some psychological issues and that he needs help with, but he refused to go for help. When he gets frustrated, he takes it out on me. In the past few weeks, I have been taking better care of our home, paying more attention to our nutrition and making sure that every night after work, he comes home to a nice warm and positive home. (I a 9 - 5 job). I was foolishly taking pride in my efforts to fix what was broken in our marriage. I even took pride in the little things like taking his shirts to the dry cleaners, picking them up, cooking something different every night and doing my best to be more patient and understanding of his feelings. But, all my efforts have not been good enough for him and I'm beginning to realize that I will probably NEVER be good enough for him. He seems very depressed, but claims that he doesn't need anybody's help. When he becomes frustrated with his life, he takes it out on me and grabs a hold of any one of my weaknesses and uses it against me. During one of his outbursts this weekend he yelled at me for not having checked his shirts when I picked them up at the dry cleaners. (one of his shirts had a little stain on it). I try to keep our apartment tidy, but he acts as if we live in the dumps. I hate to admit it, but I feel emotionally abused. When I've told him to stop verbally hurting me, he just says, "The truth hurts, doesn't it?". His attitude towards me, has taken a toll on my self esteem. When he's calm and positive, he is the sweetest man. I fell in love with that side of him...and have always accepted and learned to live with his bad points too. I think that's what marriage is all about. But, he has become very self centered and selfish. Last night when I finally realized and told him that I don't want to live like this anymore, his face changed completely and he became sweet and loving, telling me "NO, don't leave...I know you're not going to leave. You're just saying that to scare me". He thinks I'm kidding when I say that we can't make eachother happy and that the best thing is for us to separate. He's told this to me many times. He has said that we are too different, that our lives are too different, that our family values are too different (but always downing mine). That's why I believe that there is no hope for us. Since I confronted him, he has been asking me if I've gotten over that silly idea of separating. He thinks I don't have the courage to leave, maybe because I have always been willing to fix our problems in the past. But, I feel emotionally drained and the thought of separating hurts me very much, but I have to think about ME now! I would be more than willing to stay together, and help him overcome his psychological traumas, but he just doesn't want my help. I feel like giving up. Please feel free to share your thoughts with me once again. I just have to say that Marriage Builders has helped me very much during these difficult times. It's a great feeling knowing that there is a place where we can share our feelings. Thank you!
Posted By: yes_dup506 Re: Is he verbally abusing me? - 02/28/00 04:10 PM
I haven't read your previous posts, but have you considered a "Policy of Joint Agreement?"<P>Deut
Posted By: Lor (Lor) Re: Is he verbally abusing me? - 02/28/00 04:35 PM
Wow, can you come live at my house and take care of me? [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]<P>If your efforts aren't getting through to your H, there is some other problem. Depression could be a factor. My H was severely depressed and has only the last couple months seen the value of anti-depressants. You don't mention an OW...but I assume since you're posting on Infidelity that's a factor. Many spouses treat their betrayed very badly as they are trying to validate their choice to cheat, or even to work up enough negativity that separation is the only logical choice.<P>You can't make him change. You can't control him. All you can do is work on you and try to meet his needs. Have you read Harley's HIS NEEDS HER NEEDS or Chapman's THE FIVE LOVE LANGUAGES? You may be putting forth all this effort...but if these aren't his main needs or his love language...it won't feel like love to him.<P>Separation is no fun and makes it less likely the marriage will work, however, it can also break up some of the negative habits and behaviors and are so stressful and love-draining.<P>Best wishes,<BR>Lor
Posted By: peppermint Re: Is he verbally abusing me? - 02/28/00 04:40 PM
Hello Ginny,<P>According to the Marriage Builders philosophy, if the spouse thinks it's a lovebuster, then it is a love buster. I think the same is true of abuse.<P>If your husband continues to say and do things that he knows hurt and that you have asked him not to say or do, then YES it is abuse. Please don't tolerate abuse of any kind.<P>Personally, I believe it takes two people to make a marriage successful. Your husband obviously has psychological problems and needs counseling. No matter how hard you try, you can't make him feel better or be better than he is.<P>It is obvious that his behavior affects you negatively, and is starting to diminish your feelings for him. I would suggest that you ask him to go to a marriage counselor and if he refuses, go alone. It will help you to have an objective professional to relate your concerns to.<P>If your husband refuses to take an active role in improving your relationship, there is not much you can do to force it. You are obviously in plan A, but the results are unsatisfying to you. If things continue as they are, your relationship will deteriorate.<P>Take some time to do things for yourself, and realize that you have worth and value as an individual and not just as part of a couple.<P>Best wishes,<P>Peppermint
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