Hello to all my friends,<P>I really don't understand my state of mind at present. It is almost as if I have no feelings left at all. I have lost all desire to fight for my marriage. I really don't care any more. I am so tired of having Arik's affair thrust in my face. He asked me to come and see him for lunch and while I was there SHE called. I hate that he works where contact is a must. He sent her a no contact letter but I really don't see that amounting to much. It was less than 5 hours back at work before they gave up on not using the phone to communicate work info. How long will it be before he detects a certain sadness in her voice and asks her "What's wrong honey?". Maybe I am being super sensitive but I honestly feel that as long as he is doing the job that he is doing there will be no hope for recovery. There are options within the company where daily contact would be cut off completely. <BR>I just want the pain to end. Maybe that is why I am shutting down. <P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Patient Love:<BR><B>Hello to all my friends,<P>I really don't understand my state of mind at present. It is almost as if I have no feelings left at all. I have lost all desire to fight for my marriage. I really don't care any more. I am so tired of having Arik's affair thrust in my face. He asked me to come and see him for lunch and while I was there SHE called. I hate that he works where contact is a must. He sent her a no contact letter but I really don't see that amounting to much. It was less than 5 hours back at work before they gave up on not using the phone to communicate work info. How long will it be before he detects a certain sadness in her voice and asks her "What's wrong honey?". Maybe I am being super sensitive but I honestly feel that as long as he is doing the job that he is doing there will be no hope for recovery. There are options within the company where daily contact would be cut off completely. <BR>I just want the pain to end. Maybe that is why I am shutting down. <BR></B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>Hope comes, and hope goes. I do not know your story, I am new. But I will remind you that everyone here is pulling for you. Others that know your situation will be contacting you soon, I'm sure. I think it is good he wrote a no contact letter, and he asked you to come to lunch at his workplace. Give him credit for that. It certainly is better than not having you there. Ask him for an extra hug and kiss tonight because you are having a bad day. And thank him for any of his actions you are thankful for. hope this helps.<P>Victoria

Did I miss something? When did Arik send her a no contact letter?<P>Is he trying to work on the marriage without a relationship with OW?<P><P>------------------<BR>Faith, Hope, Love Remain,<BR>but the greatest of these is Love.<BR>1 Corinthians 13:13

Victoria and FHL,<P>The no-contact letter was sent on Friday night. I am being very 'cautious' about it because it was worded in such a loving way and really didn't make any maention of his desire to make things right with ME. He closed it with I love you and then sent her another email 20 minutes later stating that he wasn't reestablishing contact but wanted to apologize for being so harsh.<BR>Maybe I am just being super sensitive again but it really didn't have the feeling of a no-contact ever again letter.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited February 29, 2000).]

((((((((((((((NICOLE)))))))))))))<P>you, by now, know my position on all this...LOL.<P>you know as well that what you have undergone is continued emotional trauma...<P>I, like you, don't have much faith in the no-contact letter...I mean, hey! after all, she was posting here..she knows what it's about...and let's face it....they both know that the letter was sent to placate you...as for there being options that would not include daily contact, he has not explored this!!?!??!?!.....sheesh.<P>I realize that I'm not helping here...I just want you to know that I empathize..I understand, and I stand behind you 1000% no matter what....<P>I have alternated between numb and angry....at least I realize that when I am angry, I still care....<P>you also know (as Jim would tell you) that plan B is to protect any feelings you do have left...they are still there, Nicole, they are just buried deep right now..also probably to protect your psyche....<P>I love ya!!....stay true to yourself and you can't go too wrong..LOL<P>Dylan

oh my gaaawd......I just read your response to victoria and FHL.....<P>HE CLOSED THE NO-CONTACT LETTER WITH I LOVE YOU!?!?!?!?!?!??!?<P>then contacts her?!?!?!?!?<P>yeah, he is really serious isn't he.......<P><BR>get the 2x4......or call Keosha....I hear she's a real good shot!<P>Dylan

Dylan,<P>Thanks for all your support. I am not sure that the no-contact letter was simply to placate me. I was never meant to see it. But, I do think he is still trying to keep that option open. <BR>I am breaking into little pieces and the only thing that will keep me together at this point is for Arik to go away(at least for a while). Like I've said before, maybe this is a huge mistake but my sanity can't take it anymore.<P>The option that he has is to return to the store and work there exclusively- he would no longer have to report to her, he would no longer work on the road, he would be under more direct supervison and therefore couldn't spend long periods on the phone. The problem with this option is he can at any time have his hours cut while he is working in the store. This could mean that one week he may only have 8 hours and the next 16. It is not entirely probable but is highly possible(it has happened in the past).<P>Anyway...that is where it sits.<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole <p>[This message has been edited by Patient Love (edited February 29, 2000).]

So sorry you continue to go through this termoil. What part of NO CONTACT is it that they don't understand? Do they think it means naked in the sack contact only? Geez!<BR> Sorry I'm not much help, feeling kind of frustrated about ongoing contact myself.<BR> Lora

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>Hang in there, I realise it's getting unbearable. I too am amazed he thad the gall to sign the letter the way he did.<P>Still praying for you.and Arik<P>Bill<P>------------------<BR>BB<BR>

Hi Nicole,<BR>Boy you sound just like I did 6 months ago. I could not handle the affair in my face either. I did ask my H to leave, we have been seperated for the entire time, but as you know we are now dating each other. Sometimes they just need to see that the grass isn't always greener on the other side.<P>You do what you have to do to protect yourself and those babies. As hard as it is right now, you have to be strong. You might want to talk with a counselor.<P>Ok, I will say this for Arik, it was the thought that counted. But that is the only thing about that letter that does. I love you is no way to end a no contact letter, kiss my [censored] maybe. ha ha<P>(((((((((((((((Nichole)))))))))))))))))))<P>You hang in there. We are here for you. <BR>Viki<P>------------------<BR>You can't live with them, you can't kill them!<BR>Viki

Your H seems to have a basic problem with the English language...<BR>Commitment to the marriage AND leaving his options open are two MUTUALLY EXCLUSIVE things!!!<BR>Sending a NO CONTACT letter that closes with I love you???<P>I'm voting for the 2x4.<BR>Kathi

Hey Nicole,<P>All I can say is that I am very, very sorry that you are going through this. We all care for you and will help and support any decision that you make. Please take care of yourself.<P>With lots of prayers and best wishes,<P>Peppermint<P>

I’m so, so sorry, Nicole... as you are well aware, that wasn’t a “No Contact” letter... it was a love letter. For him to continually rub your face in this is just so sad. The “option to return to the store” would work until withdrawal is past, but of course Arik doesn’t <B>want</B> to withdraw. I remember how strong the fantasy is; nothing anyone said mattered at the time. Hopefully he’ll be able to kick himself from the other side someday, but for now, this amazing “love” he feels for his OW is a one-of-a-kind thing. If only he could see how ordinary his affair is.<P>I think you’re doing the right thing by showing him the door... but you can’t shut down. You need to be strong for your kids. Hugs and thoughts to you, Nicole... <BR><P>------------------<BR>Resentment is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die

Nicole,<P>Grrrrrrr!!!!!<P>The quote/unquote no contact letter Arik wrote reminded me of when my H wrote his no contact letter. Of course he had been reading SAA and told the OW all about it and for her to expect a no contact letter. It was another month or two before he honestly cut contact. It's so difficult for the fantasy to end when the OW is so far away. They don't get the day to day stuff that an in person affair has to deal with. <P>Girl...your strength amazes me. I continue to pray for you and your family. Maybe kicking him out for a while will make him realise the harsh reality of what is going on. Meanwhile please make sure you take care of yourself. I ended up with bronchitis and upset stomach problems during that period. <P>my thoughts are with you...Jodi<P>

Nicole....<P>I am just so moved by yours and Eriks story....it is so clear to see how addicted he is to this affair, and how hurting it is to you. It is much easier to work on your marriage if he is there, but you must either find the strength to preservere with him there until he can give it up, or go to Plan B so that you still have feelings left for him. The no LB is so hard, especially when they continue the affair, at what ever level it may be. And continue the affair is what is happening if he is having ANY contact with her. You must look deep in your heart and figure how how much you can handle without loosing your love for him completely.Then make a decision you can live with. We are all here for you! <P>------------------<BR>Susan<P><BR>

Nichole<BR>I haven't been posting here much and I don't think I've posted to you before. I've wanted to. But you have so much wonderful support and advice, I thought it best to keep my mouth shut. To be honest, Arik reminds me very much of my H a year ago. <P>FHL can be my witness, I'd love to give you a two by four. I know it won't help though.<P>I just wanted to tell you that you are often in my thoughts and prayers. I have felt like you feel today. You need to take care of yourself for you. For no one else. You are special. Know that.<P> Let yourself grieve. You have had a great deal of loss and truama in your life. It can get better. Space can be a very good thing.<P>One more thing I wanted to tell you. My H never wrote a no contact letter. There was no closure. But we have survived so far. He didn't do it by the rules but I think we are both happier now than ever before.<P>Prayers for you!

Hi Nicole,<P>It hurt to read your post. I can't even imagine what you are going through. But, I do know that it is very painful.<P>That "No Contact" letter was ridiculous. You are such a strong woman and your actions and endurance have proven that.<P>I'll be praying that something positive comes out of this whole mess. Stay strong!

I must be losing my mind.......<P>because somehow I feel the need to defend him. I think that although the no-contact letter was far from perfect he honestly felt that it was a no-contact letter. He cried for at least 1 hour after he wrote it because the 'letting go' hurt so much. I just think that he has allowed his feelings for her take over his rational judgement and he does't see things very clearly. He doesn't see how the wording of the letter allowed for a reesablishment of contact. Even in seeing this and knowing that his rational thought is out the window right now I still need some time and space to heal. I hope all won't be lost in this but I just can't seem to go in this fashion any longer. The hurt, resentment and anger are getting to be too much for me. <BR>I realize that some of you have gone on for longer. I guess I am just not as strong or maybe I am being a little selfish. I just need something for me right now. It is probably the wrong time to be doing it. Just when he seems to be coming around the corner, but then again he has seemed to be coming around that corner a few times before too. <BR>I hope you all don't look at me as being a quiter. Maybe I am though, who knows.<BR>(Sorry Lori you have been my inspiration and I tried to emulate your Plan A efforts but I am just not as patient or as strong as you are.)<P>------------------<BR>Love and Prayers<BR>Nicole

The fact that he THOUGHT it was a no contact letter is part of what makes it so sad. <BR>He does not understand or accept (not sure which) that he cannot have both you and her. Very much like a child who wants to keep both halves of the candy bar. I do understand the conecpt of withdrawal, but he's not in it...you have to withdraw before you can expereince that! <BR>Only you can decide how long is too long for you to Plan A. But, given the lengthy history this appears to have (and, I;m speculating from bits and pieces here, so I may be wrong), I wonder how he is in the rest of his life?<BR>Before the affair, was he a responsible, loving, mature person? If so, maybe there is hope he will find his way out of this.<BR>Or, was he always self-centered, immature and unrealistic? If so, I'd think long and hard before I put much more of myself into this...<BR>Kathi

Nicole,<P>My H actually apologized to the OW in his "no contact" letter that the counselor had him write. Too bad he worked with her and I have figured out that he is with her again now! <P>Anyway, it's too bad we didn't live closer because I would talk you into a girl's night out!!! <P>Be there for your children! My daughter is 6 and is having horrible nightmares. It has forced me to be stronger for her.<P>Hang in there!<P>TB<P>P.S. Ironically, my daughter's middle name is Nicole!

Nicole,<P>I am so sorry that you are in so much pain cause I know that pain as most of us do. Last spring and summer I went throught what you are going through right now.<P>H tried for about two weeks of no contact and couldn't do it. Yes he worked with her and the only time they were suppose to see each other was when they first got to work and at the end as they all met in one room at the biginning of their shift and at the end. It didn't work soon their was contact. NOtes passed and telephone calls at work. The affair never stopped. I knew from the begining in my heart that he couldn't give her up till he lived out his fantasy and I am sure you know where I am now. <P>As much as it pains me to say everytime I read Arik's post it was like I knife in my heart because he sounded just like my H. <BR>Yes there are postives but I had postives too. We met for lunch, we went out on dates, but nothing worked. <P>I don't have the answers for you just as I don't for me. Wish I had them though. I don't even know what i could have done different. Sometimes I think they just have to live their fantasy to find out that isn't that way in reality. I wish I could say that my H has woke up to reality. I don't know if it will happen. BUt as everyone tells me you have to take care of your self. You have to do what is right for you. Only you can decide what to do.<P>But what ever you decide we are here for you.<BR>{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{Nicole}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Nicole -- I am so sorry for you.<P>I continue to pray for you guys. I will add an extra prayer that Arik finally realizes what he is doing to you, and stops before it is too late.<P>God Bless

I'm so sorry things aren't going so well right now. I wish things were ten times better. You really deserve it with as much effort as you put into saving your marriage. <P>Soulloss mentioned the 2X4, maybe you could just feed OW bacon and poptarts and say that its Ariks favorite??????????

Nicole,<P>You've gotten a lot of support here in this post, but I wanted to tell you that I am praying for you and Arik. I am encouraged that he wrote the letter, I think it may be a step in the right direction. I will also remind you that it took my W leaving for me to be placed in the crucible from which I recognized my addiction for the first time. I was deep in justifing and self deception about my behavior. Now that the fog has cleared for me, I have realized the hurt and pain I have inflicted on my W. I believe in a bigger God than all of our problems, stay close to Him, he'll give you the comfort and sustainance to get you through one day at a time.<P>Repenting<P>------------------<BR>Fear God and you will have nothing else to fear<P>Hosea 3

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Patient Love:<BR><B>I guess I am just not as strong or maybe I am being a little selfish. I just need something for me right now. It is probably the wrong time to be doing it. Just when he seems to be coming around the corner, but then again he has seemed to be coming around that corner a few times before too.</B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE> <P>ok...<BR>(sigh)<BR>the more I am here, the more I realize how little I know about relationships... but over the past ten years or so... and especially intensely over the last 5 months I have been taking lessons.<BR>And I have picked up a few hardcore beliefs. I think I may also be listening to way to much Dr Laura Shleshinger (spelling, anyone?)... Also I've hesitated to respond because I wanted to give Arik a place to vent if he wished, without being judged (not that I would have condoned anything I thought to be morally wrong, either) but I can't stand to 'hear' you 'talk' like this...<BR><B>I hope you all don't look at me as being a quiter. Maybe I am though, who knows.<BR>(Sorry Lori you have been my inspiration and I tried to emulate your Plan A efforts but I am just not as patient or as strong as you are.)<BR></B>[/QUOTE]<P>If you are serious... all I can say is go splash some cold water on your face, girl... what you are going through is, let's face it, pretty darn ... (they should have an icon for those three all rolled into one.) And as far as I understand Harley's principals plan B is not about quitting... if anything, it's about saving your feelings... I can see how in this case it would seem to becoming a neccessity. Understandably so. <BR>I think in your heart you know what to do (and I really am not implying one way or the other) Deep inside, and it may seem pretty deep right now, is a kernal of calm. You should put yourself aside some serious time to pray... at least 20 minutes, and pray quietly for the wisdom of the Lord. Make sure you are not disturbed. Eventually the waters of your mind calm, and you will see more clearly.<BR>I wish I could offer you advice... I know what I want to tell you... but instead I will just insist that you have some faith in yourself. 'Cause I do. <P>((((((((((NICOLE)))))))))))) <BR>(I did of course ask Dylan for permission to send this hug )<P>Deut

Nicole-<P>Ok, this one pulled me out of the woodwork.<P>You may not like what I am about to say, but I am going to say it anyway.<P>You cannot let Arik continue with this abuse! Yes, you heard me, abuse. He is mentally, emotionally, and occasionaly ABUSING you!!<P>You can stop this. Go to Plan B. So what is Arik and C know about it. This is NOT about them anymore. This is about you saving yourself. This is about you saving your children.<P>Let him go, Nicole. You have done everything you can. Let him go.<P>If you ask me, Arik needs a hard dose of reality. He has no idea what he is doing right now, and because he has know idea, anything and everything you do right now is wrong.<P>Dont tolerate this behavior one more day. <P>Another thing I need to point out, is, Dr H methods are NOT fool-proof. If they were, no one would be on this board for more than 6 months. Some marriages, no matter how hard you try, can't be saved. Save yourself.<P>It is time for you to give this 100% over to the Lord. You are fighting, single handedly, an invisble enemy- Satan. Satan wants your marriage to fail. But more than that, Nicole, Satan wants you to fail. Don't let him!<P>You are going to make it through this. You are going to be ok!<P>Now, like Duet said, splash some cold water on your face, smile in the mirror and say to yourself, "I AM WORTH IT"- because, my dear, you ARE!<P>I hope that Arik realizes soon what he is doing and what he is putting you through. But until that time comes, you have to let him go.<P>I am praying hard for your family.<P>God Bless,<P>Cheryl

HI NIcole, I understand the numb feeling, during a situation like this, I find it came and went a few times. The frustration of it all was a big cause for it I think.<BR>I don't know if you rememebr my story, but my H's affair was also with a co-worker, they still kept working in the same place for some time during and after the affair was over, we also wrote a no-contact letter, that he also worded in a very caring way, he also cried after giving it to her. There was also some contact needed at work even after the letter, and there was definetly personal contact - at least in the form of going our for a coffee at break time and talk- after as well.<BR>Nevertheless, we made it. We're doing great almost two years after the whole nightmare started, and believe me he has no special thoughts or feelings for her.<BR>What I'm trying to say , I guess, is that it might not look much, the wording and ending might of your h's no contact letter might not be tactfull or thoughtfull, but it's a start. I remember he didn't want to end the contact at all, so writing a non contact letter was not even a possibility, and yet he did it. <BR>I know this hurts, since they don't seem to have the need to protect us from the pain, or say things in a way that will soften the blow, but many times they seem to have a tendency to be very gentle when ending contact with the op.I rememebr how upset I got when my H told me he wanted to do it gently because he felt he had lead her into this situation, and was now backing of, he didn't want to hurt badly. I got upset because he had not had this kind of thoughts for me, when the affair started, or continued , or when he confirmed it to me, or in any other very painfull situations, but in a way, I was able to understand that need.<BR>DOn't give up now if you think you can. Just wait and see for a a bit longer. THis might be his first real step. He might go back and forth for a bit, but if you can see more positive steps it will help you to hang on.<BR>In terms of work, I wonder if changing to something that might be uncertain in terms of hours, will not create as much stress as the one in the circumstances now. <BR>I must day that in my experience, and contrary to what has been said about the no contact and changing jobs, the fact that they worked ( and still work but have different schedules now ) together didn't affect our recovery more than just at the begining. He changed his schedule almost three monts after the affair ended, because the new position was a bit better than the other one, but he wouldn't have changed it if it meant going backwards, nor will I ask him that. I did, however support his decision to move, as well as his efforts to find another job in another company - which he's still trying, not to be away from her, but because he's not exactly satisfied with it or the company itself.<BR>ANyway, hope you feel better tomorrow.<BR>HUgs<BR>Kat<P>------------------<BR>Each and everyone of us is deserving of a kind word, a gentle thought, and the gift of understanding.