Help! What can I do? - Marriage Builders® Forums

Hi friends, I recently gave up a good job, long term benefits, a nice house, and moved to another state to get myself away from OW with whom I was in a long-term emotional affair moving into a physical affair. Recovery for us had been rocky due to the affair and without coersion from my wife, I made the choice myself to seek new employment and start over fresh in a new environment. Things have gone well in spite of mild depression (it's hard to give up so much, even for a good cause). Depression managed with Paxil. Withdrawal from OW proceeding quite well. However, my problem is with one of my new co-workers. Within a few weeks of starting work, she began flirting heavily with me, paying me a lot of attention, touching, wants to do everything with me, has given me her cell-phone # in case "I ever want someone to talk to after work." She knows little of my marital background and difficulties. I've heard she and her husband are separated. She's blonde, has a nice body, is very attractive to me and right now I feel very vulnerable and weak. My wife is closing up the house in the other state and won't be with me for two more weeks. My marriage is still in critical condition, on life-support, but I think we are getting on track again. But frankly, it wouldn't take much for me to fall into temptation's snare. She's very aggressive and I honestly like the attention although I've tried hard to be a "straight man." I've tried to be nice without being rude. I've made it clear that I am not interested in anything more than a working relationship, but guys, I am weakening. I can see myself more easily moving into affair mode if I am not careful! Can people sense your vulnerabilities even if you don't disclose them? How can I handle this situation? Thanks. Pilgrim [This message has been edited by pilgrim (edited May 10, 2000).]

Pilgram, Keep making your point very clear. If you have to, tell her if she doesn't leave you alone you will go to her supervisor. You are right, you are very vulnerable right now and should avoid temptation at all cost. Remember all the lessons you have learned from the last affair. As for can sense vulnerabilities, I do believe some people can. My H and I are seperated right now. This man at work has been asking me out for lunch, drinks, sending me emails, stopping by my office to chat. I finally agreed to have lunch with him, what could it hurt right? That went well, so I agreed to lunch again. During this lunch he proceeds to tell me that he's married. Now I'm the betrayed, he doesn't know that, and you can imagine my reaction to this proposal. So yes, I do think we may send out signals. Try and stay strong. Come here for support, we'll help you through this. ------------------ You can't live with them, you can't kill them! Viki

Pilgrim...Remember that...Accounting for time as an extraordinary precaution.. must be taken!!! ...it is based on the... <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>The Rule of Time: Take time to give your spouse undivided attention. (page 127 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>When you feel weak... ...call your W! ...get her support!I know your feeling weak now... ...but now is the the time to work on <BLOCKQUOTE>quote:<HR>The Rule of Honesty: Be totally open and honest with your spouse. (page 139 of SAA)<HR></BLOCKQUOTE>.Her knowing your feelings... ...instead of you covering them up from her... ...will lead you down the right course!Think of all you've accomplished so far!!! A little more time... a little more honesty... can help!What are you willing to throw away now?! [Linked Image from marriagebuilders.com]

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Jim

I agree with the above posters, especially about an accountability plan.I think you need to call your wife and tell her about this person. Honesty. I think you need to be accountable to her - for everything. Even potentials. Even the feelings that you have when you watch a movie. I really think this can help you.Your wife needs to understand that there is hope beyond affairs, and that you need her help and support.I realize it was you that have sought help, but is there anyway you can enlist her support? Call Steve Harley?

Pilgrim, I think your wife needs to get there as soon as possible. I told you both that that she should move with you. I am not really telling you I told you so but It is never good for either one to be alone. How soon can she get there? You both are too vulnerable right now. You know sometime we just have to be rude to some people tell this woman that you are not interested and to leave you alone. Yes I think you do send out vibes to people when you are in this state. So you have to be very clear that you want to be left alone then walk away. Think about what you want. Do you want another affair? Because unless you do something quick that is where you are heading. And knowing both of you your marriage would not take this at all. Think about what is important to you. And get you wife up there as afast as you can. It doesn't have to take long, I know!!! Email me and tell me how you are doing.------------------ di

Thanks all who have posted your replies. It's assuring that I have support here and I will impliment the ideas as I can. SDS, I do not have your current email address. You have mine. Write me there, ok? Thanks friends. Pilgrim

sorry...double post...[This message has been edited by NoTrust (edited May 11, 2000).]

[QUOTE]Originally posted by NoTrust: [B]Pilgrim,You have already given up your other job, sold your house and moved due to your recent affair.You've gone through a lot of turmoil, but so has your W. Do you think she would tolerate another affair? I can guarantee that she hasn't yet even healed from that recent one.It sounds as if she has given you another chance at the marriage. Are you going to take that chance and dump it as if it were meaningless?If you want your marriage, I suggest that you tell this new OW that you have no personal interest in her and if she doesn't quit approaching you, then you will inform her supervisor. Is this new OW really worth giving up everything? This OW is a stranger to you. Why would you give up your marriage for a stranger??!!Because if you do start a new affair with this new OW, I bet you will lose everything. There is only so much that a person can tolerate and I bet your W is already at her limit.You know what the right thing to do is. Stop sitting on the fence and commit to your W 100%. She deserves it, your marriage deserves it and so do you! The outcome will be rewarding.p.s. You mentioned how attractive this OW is to you?? Well, this particular OW sounds like pure predator, who doesn't give a crap if you are married. She doesn't give a rat's @$$ if your W gets hurt, if you get hurt, or your marriage at all....all she cares about is having an affair and who she can screw. Why would you even want to associate with someone who is so destructive? She is a wolf in sheep's clothing! What is so attractive about that??!

NoTrust and others, Cold hard facts, impartial judgement, caring ones who share my pain are what I seek and need here to keep me grounded in reality. Emotions are so deceptive and fickle and untrustworthy. I will back away from this - no, run away. I will appreciate the efforts my wife has made to change herself and to keep us together. I will hang on to the small gains we have made. Thanks all for your help and encouragement! Pilgrim

Pilgrim:You may be a man, but what you are being subjected to by this woman is no less than sexual harassment.I suggest that in addition to telling your wife (and reassuring her), you tell this woman that you are going to file a complaint if she doesn't knock it off...that you are NOT INTERESTED, and that her advances are unwelcome.Document everything, in case you need it.Either that, or succumb...and find yourself in the same mess again.