question about being in the "fog" - Marriage Builders® Forums

I keep seeing references of the betrayer being in the fog and not much can be done till it starts to lift. What are some signs of it starting to lift and is there anything we can do except stand by and wait? What about for betrayers in long term affairs-do they ever get out of the fog??

Hoping someone will respond--I can't find any material to read on about the "fog"

db713 - I am by no means an expert and am constantly confused about these issues also - but what I think the "fog" means is when the WS begins to come out of the adddictive or fantasy phase of the affair and begins to see clearly. I have also heard of it refered to coming out of the withdrawl phase of the affair. So I guess my take on it is that the WS begins to see reality more clearly and hopefully begins to change their behavior. I hope this is helpful. I have been counseled here by others about similiar matters if it is helpful go back and read some of my posts or try the search option and see what happens if you type in "fog" as a key word. Good luck with everything. Kris

Dear db:I've copied a section of a previous post where I mentioned the FOG...hope it helps:(Posted 7/6/00)..."H went through withdrawal for about 2 months. He continued to be very moody, distraught, arrogant, selfish, and defensive during this time. Once the "fog" lifted it was VERY APPARENT. My H began to say things like, "you know, I don't even think about her anymore," and, "she's not the person I thought she was," and to me he began to say things like, "I was so stupid not to realize what I had right here at home," and, "I finally feel like I've come home again."Peace, ~Marie[This message has been edited by ohmy_marie (edited July 20, 2000).]

In all honesty, I think that once the divorce is final (as yours is) and the fact that it's been a couple of years now and he's still with the other woman that he's out of the fog. That doesn't mean he'll marry her and they'll live happy ever after. The thing is, think about when your young and dating. You meet a man that seems to be everything you want. You date for awhile and you walk around with that love sick look all over your face. All you see is the "perfect" part of him and that lasts awhile. That (imo) is a "fog". That's why you date awhile. You give yourself a chance to come out of that fog and see each other for the people you truly are. As you become more comfortable with ea. other you feel the "fog" lifting and you each start seeing each other for the real you. At that point you like what you see and you continue on with your relationship or you don't like what you see and you break up. The fog lifts at different times for each couple. If the om and ow move in together or start spending a lot of time together they can't help but to start showing ea. other the "real" them. I think the longer the affair lasts the more the fog lifts. In your ex's case I would guess the fog has lifted.