Lets say in January you begin to develope a EA with a coworker. By March that turns into a EA/PA. By mid June you H discovers it. Now that all the lieing and deception are uncovered. You have decided to tell your H that you can't stop seeing OM at least as someone to talk to. Now H notices you no longer work late and even though you have moved into your own apt. You seem more interested in the kids than you have been in months. You tell your H that you are going to abstain from sex with OM and H because it confuses you, until you sort through your own issues. (Your OM is married and will not tell his W). My ? is;<BR>When you have you next sexual experience with OM, what kind of emotions do you go through? Is the passion still the same? Or is there many other emotions. I can't imagine how one could cheat, I don't think I could ever do it, I really couldn't imagine continueing to cheat with my S being aware of it. What kind of a person could dilibertly hurt another person like that? It is one thing to carry on with the attitude of "what they don't know won't hurt them" but quite another to hurt them anyway.<P><BR>Thanks <BR>jason

homer,<P>Although not a wayward spouse, my wife continued the affair after I discovered it, even to the point of going for weekend visits to him. You can't imagine it because you've never cheated---but for my wife, the "addiction" model that Harley states was so on-target it was scary. She would come home "high" from her visit, and then crash over the next 24-48 hrs. Usually the crash was a mixture of anger at me and guilt with her. It was very similar to living with a manic person: high one minute, crashed the next.<P>She's not (probably) hurting you on purpose. She's hooked, and she can't help herself. The only help you can give her is to be the kind of husband that she'll want to come home to, after this affair crashes and burns...

K<P>You are an observant student! Very well put!

Jason:<P>Haven't posted to you in a while, but I see you're are doing fine as usual. Your questions are always so thoughful.<P>I think K is right, it is classic addictive behavior...why else would you be willing to sacrifice your marriage, your children, basically your whole way of live for one person. Addicts are willing to do anything to get the thing they need. <P>Your wife seems to be really in conflict over her affair...this is not always the case...paying more attention to her real world could indicate that she is really using the time to work through her feelings.<BR>Support her in this by continuing to give her the space she needs.<P>It is hard to imagine someone hurting someone they love by having an open affair, but usually they are so wrapped up in the affair they can't feel anything but how good it feels and they avoid feeling anything by continuing the affair. I do think everyone is capable of having an affair...but becoming addicted...I think that's the result of emotional problems.<P>Well, quit'n time. Gotta go back to my solitary life....yards to mow...daily walk to do...miles to go before I sleep.<P>Buffy<P>

K,<BR> This makes so much sense.<BR> When my stbx told me of her affair,she felt guilty,at first.But then she became very euphoric,even as I was obviously hurting.We were going to try and work things out,going to a counselor,and talking,but still she remained in this giddy stage,acting like a 16 yr-old(she was 42).<P> This lasted about 3 days,then the next morning,she woke up,and said I could never forgive her.At that point she became very angry,and said our marriage was over.It just went downhill from there.She said we could be good friends someday,and then wanted me to help her look for an apartment(yeah,right).<P>After she moved out a few days later,I tried to talk to her on the phone.She went into her little girl act again('I'm soooo in LOVE!"),but if I pressed her,she blew up,and got very angry.<P> This seems to be a combination of an affair,an MLC,and an Identity Crisis.<BR>But what you said about an addiction sounds like that is what is happening.She is giving me just about everything in the divorce.She lied to her family big time about me.She did whatever she had to,just to be with this BoyToy(11 years younger). <P> Jason,<BR> See,this isn't so unusual.But it's still very confusing to me.I feel I couldn't have done it,either.But perhaps if I was going through a MLC or major depression,I could have,who knows?<P> ~~Murph

I'm sorry, but I just gotta say this, out of frustration: what is *with* these people?<P>I personally feel that when the person having the EA is blatant enough to start taking it out in the open, talking about it to people (family, friends, coworkers, etc.), it is time for the weary spouse to say, "Enough! I don't want to hear about it!" From my own experience w/ H's EMA and other people I have known, they tend to make it very, very discreet. <P>If there is anytime to go directly to Plan B, this would seem to be it. What does everyone else think?<P>belld

belldandy,<BR> If you find out what IS with these people,let me know.<BR> <BR>Blatant is the keyword here.After she moved out,she"blatantly"went over to our neighbor's house,and divulged all the juicy details of her affair to a woman we hardly knew.She was showcasing her BF to family members within a month(after trashing me).She rubbed my nose in the fact that she had slept with a younger man.I just couldn't deal with it,so I went into a solid plan B.<P> Isn't there something really,really wrong with a person who could do this?<BR> <BR>I mean a discreet affair would of been one thing,but to openly flaunt it.....I'll never understand.If I had an affair,I would personally been ashamed of my actions.<P> Just a little venting today..... <P> ~~Murph

Murphy, I am so sorry. My H was relatively discreet about it, however, he went around with OW around town, so naturally, people who knew us both and saw them told me about them. He'd then deny, deny, deny. I hired a P.I., whoc tracked them around town. Again, even with solid proof, he still denied. He denied he ever lived with her, and the P.I. put in 300 man hours establishing that they lived together!<P>Sometimes the lies are more blatant than the affair, and I'm not sure which is worse, to be honest. I suppose at least you know what you are dealing with, and there is no ambiguity. For me, it was crazy-making behavior.<P>Oh, you don't offend me by venting, BTW. I feel like venting all of the time.<P>belld<BR>

Thank you for the replies.<P>I'd love to hear more opinions form other WS's out there. Please help me to understand the feelings that you go through during all this.<P>thanks