I am now being blown away...<P>My son (stepson)'s biological father(W's first husband) just called <B>me</B>!<P>I have never seen or spoken to him before...<P>He knows <B>nothing</B> of me... my marriage... my son's SSA benefits sqandered by my W... my other kids... my W's affair... separation... pending divorce!... <B>anything</B>!<P>He is now living in the same town I live in...<BR>(about a 4 minute walk from my house!)<P><B>He is now a Christian Minister</B>!<P>He found out about his son from the High School yearbook... since he is a local minister and some HS grads in his ministry showed him the yearbook!<P>I briefly spoke to my son...<BR>...I told him his bio-father would like to talk/see him...<BR>...but my son wasn't ready... yet...<BR>...my son will be calling his mom tonight!<P>My head is spinning...<P>I don't know what to think...<BR>...to do...<BR>...to say...<P>...but I(individually... without son) agreed to meet with him tomorrow... early AM.<P>Prayers please...<BR>...I'll be praying through the night.<P>If anyone has gone through this...<BR>...advise please...<P>-------------------------------------------<BR>When you're done reading this... go to my followup ===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004341.html" TARGET=_blank>soap opera continues</A>.<BR>-------------------------------------------<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited August 03, 2000).]

Jim,<P>How old is your son? I take it he doesn't know his bio-father??<P>I met my bio-father for the first time at 17. I would be willing to answer any questions I can.<P>But the main thing is what YOU think is best for your son, and second what your son wants.<P>Like everything, it has big pros and cons. Why was he never in contact, do you know??

You say he found out about your son from the high school year book...did he not know he had a son, or not know that his son was in this town? No child support? How did he know how to contact you? Just curious....<P>You're right in letting your son decide when he is ready, if ever. Good luck at your meeting and let us know what happens!

Gee Jim, the title from your post is MY nightmare title...<P>Well, it'll give you something to think about other than the divorce. I wouldn't offer too much personal information right now, and just see what he wants. It's a very strange coincidence---perhaps God working in mysterious ways!<P>Good luck with the meeting tomorrow!

NSR,<P>I don't have any wise advice to give you, BUT, I will keep you in my prayers...

Jim,<BR>Wholly mackerel!!!! Just what you needed?<P>I forget how old your son is, but its a decision he has to make if he is of age. Hopefully he won't make any waves for you at this point, but with people any more you tell.<P>Best of luck?<P>Bob

Just a bit more info...<P>...sorry I was so sparse with it before...<BR>...but my mind was/is unclear even now....<P>My stepson (I raised him since about the age of 4-5)... just turned 18 last month (July 20th)<P>He (W's ex = son's BF) thought (maybe was told) his(my) W moved out to California...<BR>...so he couldn't try to find his son.<P>How he was able to contact me... I believe... was by talking to some of my son's co-graduates (families attend his church!).<BR>My W's ex was kept from son (my stepson) since te age of 3 or 4...<P>The absolute last time they(son and BF) met...<BR>...was when my son was about 5...<BR>...and there has been absolutely no contact since then (i.e. 13 years of <B>no contact</B>)<P>Her ex (my stepsons Biological Father(BF) claims he would try to write...<BR>and make contact...<BR>but that my W (and all her relatives) would stop it...<P>He has been indirectly been giving support since about 1993 or 1994 by having SSA give 1/2 of his disability benefits sent to him to his grandma's house. (He(BF) has been disabled with 6 spinal cord surgeries in the last 5 years... and is most likely wheelchair bound... I'll see tomorrow) This is the money that my W has been siphoning funds from... and the month before she left (July of last year) she(my W) closed out the account with a balance of less than $2,300.00 (There should have been anywhere between $25,000 to $40,000 saved up!)<P>I personally feel he should meet his BF...<BR><B>Honor your mother and father</B>!<P>But...<BR>...my stepson agrees that I should meet with him(BF) first...<BR>... that is until my son speaks to his mom <B>tonight</B>!!!<P> <P>Jim

Jim,<P>Just curious, what reason did your W give you for your son's BF not contacting him? Why did she keep him away? <P>My son is the same age as yours (turned 18 July 12). He is in contact with his BF (but not very frequently - just holidays - BF's choice). BF was an alocoholic and I could have kept him away but felt it would be more damaging to my son if I had done that. I thought he should know his father and make up his own mind about him. I was very careful about visitation, though. I made sure that there would be a sober adult present (BF's mother, usually) whenever there was visitation until he quit drinnking ( a few years ago by my son's report).<P>Your son must be going through a lot of emotions right now. Good luck to both of you.<P>

NSR:<P>I can't offer much advice, but I recently went through what you are about to go through. Except mine son is 8 and his BF didn't see him for 3-4 years and little contact before because "DAD" didn't really care to see him. My son didn't remember him. <P>It is now settled (through the courts) and BF agreed to slowly get know my son. It has had some effect on my son a little of confusion for him. He now has three Dads. My Ex and I split one month after my son was born. My Ex and I divorced I met someone else and my son calls him Dad. My son was 9 months old at the time.<P>My son still sees this man every other weekend it really bothers my ex, but he is Dad to my son. I feel it is right for him to continue to see him. Ex does whatever pleases himself and doesn’t care if it hurts his son, so I won’t stop my son from seeing someone he knows as “Dad” for seven years. He knows he is not his BF but the love is still there. I am remarried now and he is a great step dad. My husband has custody of his son. The only thing I can suggest is, do what is right for your son and his wants. Hopefully his BF will understand what is good for him and what your son wants. You have raised this boy so I feel his is your son.<P>Bighope<BR>

My W kept son from BF because... at that time (also reasons for divorce)... the BF was involved with drugs (marijuana), lot's of alcohol, and pornography addiction (my how the shoe has changed feet... W was really getting into porn sites just before she left last year... I know since I had access to her PC)...<BR>I do believe this is <B>all</B> true...<BR>...since it was corroberated by her family...<BR>...and others...<BR>...even as my W was working through her annulment.<P>Since my son had ADD... to avoid additional confusion... I never adopted him. This too was (at my W's urging) so that no further contact was to be made with her X.<P>This also shows that ANYONE can change...<BR>...He(BF) is a christian minister now!<BR>...so is it possible for my W to change (for the better??!)<P>Thanks for everyone's support. <P>Gee... he lives six very short blocks away from us... incredible! I will update you all tomorrow, after I meet with him.<P>I feel my life is turning into a soap opera... <P>But... I'll accept whatever is given me...<BR>...what else can I DO!<P> <P>Jim

Hey Jim,<P>Not to change the subject, but is your wife Catholic? You know where this is leadiing...

Hi Jim,<P>I was wondering earlier today how things were with you. Sometimes I think we are all living a soap opera. I need to run off and show houses, but will try to e-mail you later tonight. I met my BF when I was in my early 20's.<P>Take care, keep strong.

NSR,<P>Hi - I am sorry to hear what you are going thru. As an adopted child myself i know the pain you feel when a biological parent makes contact. It is somewhat of a reminder that you and your son are not blood. Not that that makes a father. From my experience i can tell you i did meet my biological mother and she tried to maintain a friendship w/ me but i felt i had nothing in common w/ her. This is the case w/ most biological parents that contact the child.<P>Good luck<P>Maturing

Jim,<BR> <BR>Yes, very much like a soap opera, all our lives...<P>I had no contact with my BF either from age 2 to 17.<P>Your son is of age, it is really his decision. This could add a new dimension to his life, knowing his roots. But it was tough for me too. Why had my BF abandoned me all those years? In my case, my stepfather was a jerk, not a good man like you. <P>However, as to the verse you quoted, YOU are his father. Even if your ex kept BF from his son, he could have found a way to have and enforce some custody.<P>Best case, he is a good man (not all ministers are) and could be a good adult friend to your son.<P>Worst case, it could add even more instability to your son's life at this point. Remember, this man is a stranger.<P>I would be very weary if he expected to be honored as a father. You meeting him is very good. My mother wanted no contact with my BF(I was living with her, she was single at that point) so I flew out alone to meet him when I was 17. It was frightening, to say the least.<P>Don't let yourself be pressured and by all means don't pressure your son. Take your time getting to know this guy so you can determine if this could be a good or harmful thing for your boy.<P>My prayers are with you.

Thank you one and all for your support and great suggestions...<P><B>K</B>...yes my W is <I>still</I> Catholic... still receives Holy Communion... if you get my drift on <I>how</I> Catholic she is. I don't know if you remember... she <B><I>was</I></B> a CCD teacher... and then got me involved as one too... about 5 years ago...(and I continue... now I'm doing confirmation preparation)<P>Is <I>this</I> going to make a difference in an annulment...<BR>...I haven't had time to think that one out though...<BR>...I am far from that!<P><B>hanora</B>...<BR>If you e-mail me... do so at imherczeg@ivillage.com ... thanks... <P><B>Maturing</B>...<BR>I'm not <B><I>that</I></B> hurt...<BR>...but I do already see some confusion in my son...<BR>...he(son) waffles back in forth about whether he wants to talk to his mom tonight... and about seeing his BF later...<BR>I will go slow on this!<P><B>schizzo</B>...<BR>You're right... it will eventually be my son's decision...<BR>...but he needs to weigh that with the fact that his BF initiated the SSA benefits to be sent to him... NOT my W!<BR>I'm not leaving this completely to his conscience... but my guidance will be loving...<P>---------------------------------------------<P>Update...<BR>I called my W...<BR>...she once again refused to talk with me whatsoever!!!<BR>...no surprise there.<P>After she spoke to my son(stepson)...<BR>...I spoke with him....<BR>...his mom put such a fright into him...<BR>...his first reaction to me was to leave the house for a few days...<BR>...she said his(son's) BF was dangerous...<P>I called my W's sister...<BR>...and she feels that my W is over exaggerating... and not just slightly!<BR>...her sister feels that BF probably has changed and is capable of this change...<BR>...her sister was the only one in W's to have contact with BF...<BR>......(when BF offered the SSA benefits to his son in 1993...<BR>......it was this sister he contacted.<BR>...there had been some physical abuse in BF (and my W's) past...<BR>...so you never know...<BR>...but bottom line is... she feels it would be safe for me to meet with this guy.<P>I'll give you all a report in the morning.<BR>...done ===> <A HREF="http://www.marriagebuilders.com/forum/Forum28/HTML/004341.html" TARGET=_blank>soap opera continues</A>.<P> <P>Jim<p>[This message has been edited by NSR (edited August 03, 2000).]

Your son is a man. He can make his own decision about this, but it seems to me that he needs someone to hold his hand and let him know that it's alright to see this man. Consider how you would feel to be kept from your parent for most of your life. I'd want any help I could get to restore that hole in my life.<P>My father was adopted. His search for his bio-parents began as soon as he was old enough to understand this situation. There were many blockades in his path, and he didn't ultimately meet them until he was 33 years old. <P>His relationship with his father and his father's side of the family was warm and wonderful. His relationship with his mother has been full of ups and downs. His mother has never stopped loving his father and tried every trick in the book to get back with him - after 33 years! She ended up being completely insane and doing many hurtful things. It has not been a healthy relationship at all, but neither the good nor the ill takes away from his need for it to be. Nothing has meant so much to him as knowing his parents. <P>I think it is this way for many people. <P>I'd let him make his own decision in his own time, but support his need to know his father. I think your son needs someone to say that it's okay.