Hey,<P>If your WS was single (lets say never married to you), and knowing them as well as we do, in your opinion would your spouse have PICKED the OP they're with now as their life's partner??? Please offer the reasons why.<P>For me, I say "no" my H wouldn't have picked the "Fruit Loop" he's with. He wouldn't want to live with someone who goes to bars as a means of entertainment and life's hobby. He doesn't like women who go overboard with "dolling" themselves up, that includes Implants. He requires a person who is active and likes the outdoors. Someone natural with a certain degree of intelligence so he can have a meaningful conversation with them.<P>Now your turn.<P>Jo<P>------------------<BR>Josie_Res@Hotmail.com<P>"Remain flexible like a reed, as opposed to an oak which can snap in the wind"<p>[This message has been edited by Resilient (edited August 31, 2000).]

Hey Jo,<BR>Haven't seen you much lately so I'm happy to respond to your thread. <P>My answer is no. Because... 1. OW is too young(she's 23, my H is 38...BTW I'm 32).<BR>2. She's naive. 3. She always cheated on his H or boyfriends. When my H started to go out with her she was seeing another MM(I know.. my H is totally stupid!). Also, she almost cheated on him(H) because this guy was "cute".. How inmature is this?<P>GRRRRRRRRR... I'm getting mad. He chose her over me at the end.. and she's SO LOW!! But my H is so low too so I guess the will get along well. I should be happy I'm not with him anymore. Sorry I'm venting.. Yesterday was a bit hard for me because I read too much "sad" posts here. Lora's post really made me go back to when I was so sad and angry..<P>Anyway I really don't think H would've chosed to be with OW... but that's my opinion and hope so I don't know .<P>How are ya doing, JO? You asked about legal separation and divorce on another thread.. It's funny because I received some info from an office re: separation & divorce today.<P>Take care!!<BR>Meg<p>[This message has been edited by MF (edited August 31, 2000).]

resilent:<P>I agree my h would have not either. Once they get to know a person, things are different. You know, like waking up from a fog. Haven't you ever gone a date and didn't go out with that person again? <P>When a person is selfish is comes out in time and that is what the ow is like. <P>Reality can kill a lot during dating, how much you have in common, bills and every day living.<P>Judy

Absoulutely NOT (sp. was intentional!)

Jo<BR>I love this question!<P>No!<BR>Because the bimbo makes a really great playmate but she is useless. My H needs a spouse who is capable of keeping things running.<P>I may ask my H this question though. The answer could be interesting. I'll let you know what he says.

Nope, nopey, no.<P>Wouldn't even have dated her. Can't think of one quality he actually likes about her.<P>WIFE

OW is me all over again--only a whole lot older. And she smokes. Blech!<P>Looking at her picutes, except for her big joker mouth and over--plucked Elvira eyebrows, she even kinda looks like me. Long brown hair. Dark skin. Substancial boobs.(I don't want to think about the boob part--it makes me very angry) Althetic build, only plenty skinnier than me (remember, I unwittingly wore her underwear that accidently turned up in my laundry, so I should know.)<P>I think he was trying to replace ME with a wiser, less emotional, more mature me. Mommy!<P>So, unfortunately, I would say 'yes.' But I do feel slightly complimented. Slightly.

No, NO, and Hell No..<P>Bill

I have to answer in the affirmative. She would pick a guy like this.<P>You see, I am the abberation in her dating history. Before me (and now after), she always picked guys not going anywhere, not too bright, manual laborers.<P>So maybe she is reverting to form. Too bad for her.

Good question...<P>After my H became normal again, he commented, "If my friends were to see that person that I had an affair with, they would all think that something is wrong with me! In fact, she reminds me more of a man than a woman..."<P>So, I conclude, the answer is "NO."<P><BR>

Sorry....double post <p>[This message has been edited by Survivor [aka_NoTrust] (edited August 31, 2000).]

Hi, Jo, where you been?<P>Would he chose a woman like OW for a mate if he were single back then?<P>Of course not...we are as different as night and day...matter of what he's looking for... right now it's a good time and lots of sex (I assume)...back then it was a home and family...H*** he can't ever take her around his friends or family because they can't understand what he is doing with a woman like that, she so unsuitable.<P>Buffy<P><BR> <P>

As a wife - NO WAY (H actually told me that even if he were single he would never marry her)!<P>As a sex slut - I DON"T KNOW (I asked H this much later and H said WILL NOT HAPPEN because OW is not his type. Of cos I had to pursue that line of questioning because I thought he hesitated - and he said if he were single there would be no strings and he would run, really run after the first drunken night. Do I believe?)<P>The Chinless Wonder a.k.a. OW, has huge awful lips (I have seen) and H said he really try to avoid kissing those (it's like the Simpson's lips). <P>H told me that they only have sex in the night and that lasted only 5 to 10 minutes and Chinless always book and always pay (for the room, dears). <P>H also reminded me that we used to have sex everyday and sometimes 3 times a day and sometimes for half the day and sometimes 3 times in 3 hours.<P>We also have common interests, and I also close my mouth after talking, unlike OW who actually breaths through her mouth. <P><BR>I used to praise H for his impeccable taste (a roundabout compliment that he chose me! ). Now I am horrified and now I know my unerringly superb taste was only in CLOTHES!<P>Really, for the life of me how can I get EVEN! I really need to leave the country and search the world for someone chinless, gaping, drags his feet, likes to brandish little weapons, have saggy lumpy breasts (oops, wouldn't need those), ..., Come to think of it, I rather not get even, Kissing the magazine pictures of Brad Pitt should suffice now, quite nicely,...

Resilient -<P>Okay, I hope you don't mind me jumping in on this as a WS. But, I guarantee my H would say that I never would have picked this guy out to date if I were single. He is much younger than me, much shorter than me, he doesn't have the same interests as me, heck, I don't even know why I had the A with him . . .I guess it really doesn't matter what the person looks like, acts like, or even how the other person thinks - we (WSs) tend to ignore those things. While the OP definitely have their own faults, we choose to give them more slack than our own spouses. It's all a part of the fantasy - thank God I woke up in time to save my marriage. . . .<P>For any betrayed spouses who feel like they are not as pretty, or not as confident, or whatever as the OP - it's really not about that. . .It's like an alcoholic, they don't care what their next drink is, they just want that high that the affair brings. But, I wanted to jump on this thread, because it doesn't make sense to me either (I think I was having the mother of all mid-life crises . . .and I'm only 32, scary).

Hate to say it but yes, I think so. OM is an old unrequieted love from high school. You know, that one person that you wish you had dated, but never did? Too bad he's already married...oh, wait...that doesn't matter!

SKM -<P>That was incredibly insightful. THANK YOU for giving us the other side of it. Really said a lot to me about my H's choices.<P>THANKS!! And I'm glad to hear you want to work on your marriage. Gives us all hope.<P>Cali

hmmm...well..I am also a WS and would I have dated this man years ago had I met him then..yes..I would have..but I would have RAN away when things got as emotionally involved as they have now..only because I was a different person back then..less secure in myself, actually self contempt would be a great term..He's not controlling nor manipulative..like all the other men I have ever had relationships with..(including h) if I'd have said I wasn't looking for a sexual relationship back then he would have respected that..and not pushed the issue..<BR>I was changing back then the met H and stopped counseling..and the emotional healing that I was going through..and H ended up manipulating me in many ways to get his own way..Had I been healthier emotionally back then...I wouldn't have married H..I would have RAN!!!! I actually wanted to..but he would cry when I told him I didn't want to see him anymore..and make me feel guilty, and <BR>he used my daughter and his relationship w/ her as well..your just loosing me..but I would be loosing you and her..and what about her?? doesn't she need a father?? I'm the only dad she knows this will devastate her..<BR>(he wasn't even her bio father) so in looking back at how much I have grown over the past year..had I been emotionally healthier, and had met this man then..YES..I'd have dated him...but knowing what my emotional state was back then...I'd have gone out w/ him...but would have ended it..because I wasn't strong enough in myself to know what healthy was..

Absolutely not. And, since he became normal, which thank goodness happened quickly, he would die if his son brought her home!<P>ps she was younger than his children.

He might have dated her but the relationship would have lasted about the same amount of time that it did as an EMR, maybe less. She was much younger, totally not his intellectual equal, totally different backgrounds and interests. It was very important to him that the woman he married had a college degree (she barely squeaked out of HS although she told me she had hoped my H would pay for her to go to college, ick).<P>Also she has a child and was never married. H's family is very traditional, Italian Catholic. His Mom freaks out at the thought of divorce and a daughter in law with an illegitimate child would be a heart attack inducer to her for sure. He also very much wanted his own family, not a ready made one.<P>Last but not least, all of H's relationships before me lasted 3-9 months, usually averaging right at 6 months with him ending all of them. He had one GF in college who lasted a year. I was the only one who made it more than a year. OW lasted 6 months, right on schedule.<BR>

I asked my spouse what he liked about her and why he thought she might make him happier than I, early on after d-day, and I didn't like the answers I got, although some stuff was encouraging<BR>1 - she was closer to his own age (I am older than he)<BR>2 - she was more outgoing - but also could be obnoxious in public.<BR>3 - she was a good dancer<BR>4 - she was more athletic than me<BR>5 - she was high energy and fun to be with.<BR>6 - they were really close, never argued and got along great. <P>Now the negatives -<BR>1 - she was immature & unstable - he admitted she would be "high maitanence" and require alot of baby sitting on his part in a real relationship<BR>2 - she had a mean streak and a foul mouth<BR>3 - she smoked<BR>4 - she flirted with everyone and liked to be the center of attention <P>So my take on it is - she was the perfect affair partner, a high energy, fun to be with, hard drinking party partner. The scary thing is, he really did consider leaving me to be with her - thought they were more well matched and she could make him happier. Its been a few months since I asked him anything point blank about his feelings in this department, and now that we are 5 months into recovery, honestly, I don't want to ask again yet. I kept asking him early on what it was that he liked about her, and then I realized I was just forcing him to think about her and in a good way! Not a good idea. Maybe I'll wait another 5 months and ask then. I'd love to hear him say how wrong she was for him, and how right I am for him. Maybe someday.......<P>

No question about it. Yes he would.

In all honesty, yes, I think he would. Would it have lasted? I don't know. She couldn't keep her first H from having an A. She is rather needy and selfish IMO, but then again, so my H has been also lately. It, too, was a "why didn't we get together in HS" relationship. She's actually in a lot of ways a lot like me. Friendly, personable, affects an air of independence, perky. Of course, she married right out of HS. Her H cheated on her shortly before we got married. She turned to my H for comfort. My H told her that she needed to work on her marriage because he felt that to commit adultery would be a terrible sin. Funny, how he forgot his own advice when he was married and she was divorced. Logically, I think the relationship wouldn't have worked in the end, but I have to admit, he very well could have married her. I sometimes wish he had had an affair with her during her marriage before marrying me. I wouldn't have married him and perhaps I wouldn't be going through this now.

<BLOCKQUOTE><font size="1" face="Verdana, Arial">quote:</font><HR>Originally posted by Resilient:<BR><B>If your WS was single (lets say never married to you), and knowing them as well as we do, in your opinion would your spouse have PICKED the OP they're with now as their life's partner??? </B><HR></BLOCKQUOTE><P>My sad answer to this is:<P>1) I'm not sure I EVER knew my husband...looking back right now is like looking thru a web of lies and deceit....can't hardly remember the person I married....<P>2) I assumed my H believed (he said he did) in "forever-after-love." Now he states that he doesn't and never did. News to me....<P>So, it's hard to answer this question. He is so mixed up and confused that there probably aren't any REAL LOGICAL reasons why he picked her....she was just there and that's just fine and dandy with him at this point.<P>Good question tho....I like your "weirdo" questions....lots to think about.<P>Aloha,<BR>Mrs.O<BR>

I don't think so, but it's hard to tell. Here's a rundown of "the LOVES of my H's life": (I won't include the ex-wife since he was not in love with her. She faked a pregnancy and her grandfather pretty much held a gun to my H's head to marry her.)<P>Fiancee #1 - (My H was 17) She was 18, a competing powerlifter, weighed probably 250 - 300 lbs. My H's first true love. She ended up dumping him for another guy. She was a hood rat (sorry sweetie, if you're reading this, but from what you said and who she dumped you for, that's my take.)<P>Fiancee #2 - (My H was 23) Beautiful woman, nice figure, 47 years old. Granted, it was a "Southern California" 47, but nonetheless, a 24 year age difference between the two. She loved going to the bars, had 3 kids, the oldest being the same age as him. The age difference, along with his cocaine addiction caused her to end the relationship.<P>Fiancee #3 - (My H was 25) 18-year-old short-haired brunette (cute, but a major tomboy at this stage in her life) who was a professional wrestler. Athletic figure from being so active, day job was as a receptionist. She was very outgoing, but scared to death of men. They had a great time, fell in love after only 3 short months, talked about marriage, moved in together. After six months of being together, she becomes pregnant. After the baby's birth, they got married, and it's been up and down ever since (Yes, it's yours truly!)<P>So there's really no telling. I can safely say that if our marriage doesn't work out, he won't marry again. <p>[This message has been edited by Carolina Belle (edited September 01, 2000).]

No. Why a single and selfish guy like my H wants to take responsiblity for a woman who's<BR>-married<BR>-had 2 kids before she got married<BR>-always hang out w/different guys and let the whole town know<BR>-always chase a guy who's not available<P>If he was single and met her, probably he'd have sex w/her a couple times and that'd be it, just like all the other his ex-girlfriends before our m. Just because he was married, just because it was an A, it lasted, with all of my support for him!!! <P>In other words, the OW could be anybody else. IMHO, you can make ANYBODY a soulmate easily in an affair, out of guilt.